Highlights: Serena and Jenny are not the same height but look exactly the same in yellow dresses; Capt snorts; Chuck loses his clothes but doesn’t get raped; Blair doesn’t have sex again because Nate couldn’t be less interested; enter Vanessa–but never through a door
Masquerade Ball Time!!!!!! This has got awful and awesome written all over it. Jen is helping Blair with her costume by picking something up at the jewelry store for her. The sales guy makes Jen buy something for herself and put it on Blair’s tab because he can see that she’s poor and Blair has more money than Oprah.
Blair and Serena are discussing how Boring Nate will be allowed to see Blair at the ball. He will have to go through a series of quests and quizzes to find her so he can deflower her. I don’t know why Blair thinks he’ll be looking for her in the first place since he’s had several chances and showed no interest in putting his junk in her trunk. Blair says he’ll have to go through several ladies to get to her. Serena’s all, You have ladies now?
1. Has Serena not noticed the Chickadees at Blair’s beck and call?
2. Maybe Nate would be more intrigued with the quest if Blair had men instead of ladies. I’m not saying Nate’s gay. But I’m also not completely exing out the idea.
Serena tells Blair that she won’t come to the ball if Blair doesn’t want her to. Blair wants Serena to be one of her ladies so they can all start over and she trusts Serena and Nate.
Over at the Humphreys, Jen is explaining how helping out Blair has its perks, like hand-me-downs. Dan rationalizes that Serena doesn’t have to invite him to the ball since they’ve been out only twice and he knows her well.
He’s lying to himself but he’s right because that’s what Serena is explaining to Blair right now.
Blair insults him to Serena yet again and then makes her invite him.
Dan tells Rufus that he would go if Serena asks but he doesn’t have to go and he has no bold gesture windows. Dan’s phone rings and it’s Vanessa who hasn’t called in a while. She wants her book back from Dan. He’s insulted that he hasn’t talked to her in a year and she wants to hear about her book. Then she comes in through the window because she’s back in the city and she creeps into people’s apartments for fun. Dan finds her visit unexpectedly awesome. His phone rings and she smells waffles because that’s all the Rufus can afford to make so she goes to get some.
Serena’s on the line and she’s going to invite him to a stupid ball but she hears a girl in the background and asks who it is. He says it’s his sister but Jenny comes into Blair’s room where Serena sees her and knows he’s lying. So then she tells him to have a good day and hangs up.
Vanessa asks Dan what they’re doing tonight because he’s obviously free because he’s Dan Humphrey and has been waiting for her.
Serena tells Blair that she needs a date.
Captain Crunch and Boring Mom are bickering at Boring Nate’s house and Nate overhears and is bored about it. He asks his mom if Capt. is okay and she lies and says it is but it’s not.
Vanessa is wearing big hoop earrings—a sure sign of poor. She tries to get Dan to figure out what he wants to do and he’s not responsive. She makes fun of the rich kids and asks if it’s weird having her back. She reminds him that he said some things and he says that a lot has happened over a year. She wants to hear all about it tonight. They plan on going to a movie. How is he going to tell her all about his year if they’ll be at a movie?
Nate is trying to find evidence of his father’s downfall while ChuckSlime dusts off his masquerade mask. Nate finds cocaine in a book. Chuck smirks at it and thought that Nate smoked only week. Nate whispers, This isn’t mine! Dun, dun, DUN!
Blair tells the Chickadees that they need to find Serena the hottest date ever. NastyMom puffs on a hooka and plans to have a party like a harem to celebrate her line. Blair doesn’t understand NastyMom. Neither do I.
Nate calls Blair and leaves her a message that he really needs to talk to her about his dad. YAWN.
Jenny continues to help Blair with her party and Blair sees Jen’s new bracelet. Jen says that the man at the store lent it to her. Blair says that Jenny can’t come to the ball, no matter how expensive her borrowed jewelry is. Jen says that there were five dresses and Blair says she needs backup in case a zipper breaks. Blair says that Jenny’s time will come. Just not in this lifetime.
JudgyLily asks Serena if her dress is okay for NastyMom’s party because Lily thinks she will be judged since she judges others. Serena tells her to bring a goat. Lily says Serena’s dress is very dressy. Serena says that Dan has plans with someone else and Lily is relieved because Serena should play the field. Serena asks Lily if she has a hot date and Lily says no way; she’s going to find a goat.
Then Serena’s IM bings and it’s Edward Abbott, a hottie who got her screenname from one of the Chickadees. Meanwhile, Dan is checking Gossip Girl and finds out that the Chickadees are finding Serena a date. Serena tells Edward Abbott that she’ll go to the ball with him while Dan plans on surprising her with a tuxedo.
Nate shows up at Serena’s to talk to her, which means have sex with her. She suggests that the cocaine is a leftover from Capt. Crunch’s early days. Nate thinks Capt. is having money problems and his parents are robots. He says he’s not a little kid and deserves to know everything. Serena says he needs to talk to his parents and tells him not to give up. She grabs his arm and he thinks that means she wants to sleep with him. Wow, Nate has managed to make Serena boring.
Long lost Vanessa shows up in hobo gear through an entrance other than the front door because she likes to be different. She awkwardly grills Rufus about his estranged wife so he retorts with an awkward conversation about her breaking Dan’s heart. She plans to tell Dan that she hated being away from him. Rufus tells her that a lot has changed but since they’ve been close, they’ll figure things out. Rufus admits he’s going out to a party with someone who isn’t exactly his friend.
Dan calls Vanessa and she says she’s at his house. He tried to catch her before she left her place because he totally spaced and he has a history paper due and he’ll make it up to her some day soon. Jenny comes home and ignores Vanessa and Vanessa goes after Jenny because she needs attention now that she’s no longer lost.
Rockin Rufus and Judgy Lily arrive at the hooka party and Rufus complains that he sees no benefits for him here. Lily says he can make a lot of contacts but he can leave because Alison would have a fit if she knew he were there with She Who Casts Judgment On Others. Rufus doesn’t care what Alison thinks. Lily introduces him to NastyMom and they say they aren’t on a date and go to eat appetizers. Judgy Lily then sees Father Slime and squirms and Father Slime introduces them to his date and Rufus catches on the Lily brought him to make Father Slime jealous.
Jenny explains to Vanessa that she was Blair’s handmaiden. Vanessa tells her to go even if she’s not invited. Jen says that she doesn’t have a gown or invitation. Vanessa says she can help her out because Vanessa knows how to sneak things.
And it’s a montage of rich kids donning masks! ChuckSlime is in red and has a devil mask. Blair wears a butterfly-like black lacey mask. Nate has a silver phantom of the opera mask which suits him since Phantom was one of the most boring musicals I’ve ever seen. Serena has a glitzy silver pointy mask and a yellow dress.
Dan arrives with no mask. He wasn’t in the montage because he’s poor. He finds a drunk guy, steals his mask, and then steals the guy’s identity so he can get in. Vanessa is sneaking Jenny in through a back door. Jen has a blue round sparkly mask and a yellow dress. She walks in all petrified and spins around in confusion.
Blair sends her Chickadees to start the quest for her virginity with Nate. Nate stands around all bored and boring. Really, I don’t think the mask hides who Blair is and he could probably find her by walking past her.
Dan enters and sees Serena dancing with a guy dressed like King George or some royalty like that. He’s heartbroken. Gossip Girl voices over what you see is what you get even though what you see may not be what you’re supposed to get. That’s a pearl of wisdom worth remembering.
Vanessa comes back through the sneaky entrance and asks some random dude where the girl she was with went because she has her keys. The dude shakes his head. I guess Gossip Girl doesn’t have the budget for him to answer verbally. They spent too much money on masks. Vanessa finds a mask in a vase and walks into where she’s not invited through a side curtain.
Blair complains to Chuck that Nate isn’t even trying to find the Chickadees. Chuck spots Jenny across the room and courts her. Jen makes fun of him and he asks her to dance. She says they should skip dancing and go somewhere quiet to talk. Because she’s planning to rape him now.
At NastyMom’s party, Capt. talks business and Boring Mom says that they need to give Blair her grandmother’s ring when the kids get engaged. Lily spies on Father Slime and Rufus tells her she’s being too easy. He kisses her and Father Slime sees and looks away disgusted. I bet Alison wouldn’t like that. Then they get drinks ASAP.
Edward Abbott yaps about his yacht until Dan interrupts and asks her to dance. Serena says she doesn’t need to be saved. Dan can see she’s bored.
The Chickadees annoy Nate and give him rhyming riddles to figure out even though he doesn’t want to figure them out. Then they skip protocol and tell him to find Serena because she’ll lead him to Blair. Now he’s intrigued and is off to find Serena and maybe sleep with her instead.
Jen tells Chuck that they need to play Hide N Seek. Chuck says he’s died and gone to heaven. He takes off his jacket and goes to hide.
Dan follows Serena around to tell her he cares about her. Serena tells him that he lied about being with the other girl. He explains that he was with Long Lost Vanessa who moved to Vermont and now she’s back and he’s an idiot because he lied for no reason. He says his relationship was complicated but now it’s not. Serena says that she was going to invite him to the ball and she’s not into Edward Abbott. He says he’s not into Vanessa. Then they take off their masks and mack it while Vanessa stands to the side and watches because not only does she break and enter, she’s a peeping tom.
Dan excuses himself and says Vanessa Vanessa. She says she’s writing a history paper. He says he didn’t lie; he refrained from telling her the truth. He says mask and invitation a lot. He says that she hates this world. She says he used to, too, and she’s obsessed with him. She lays on the sarcasm pretty thick and tries to leave but then he grabs her to apologize for lying about writing the term paper. She says that he said he loves her. He says, Loved and things have changed. Vanessa says he traded up. Serena guesses that the girl is Vanessa and Dan has to follow Vanessa because the poor stick together.
Chuck is on the roof with no pants on. Jenny says she found his pants. He says she’s getting warmer to him and she’s hot. She says she hopes it doesn’t get cold. She’s wearing his red bow tie which clashes with her yellow dress and blue feather mask. She then grabs all the clothes and locks him up on the roof while taking his phone.
Dan grabs some woman on the street, thinking it’s Vanessa. He apologizes and says it’s a case of mistaken identity, ironically not involving a mask. Points for Dan for using irony in the correct way.
Judgy Lily sits alone at the hooka party and pouts. Rufus finds her and she says she needed a moment because she almost threw up from the kiss. She says she’s kind of kidding and apologizes for asking him to the party. He apologizes for kissing her but he did it as a mercy kiss. Then he says beauty fades and Father Slime is missing out on hers while it lasts. Then Father Slime comes over and asks to talk to Lily alone. She runs to him, leaving Rufus by his poor self to ring the elevator door and leave.
Nate trounces through the party to try to reach Serena who goes into the bathroom where he can’t go. Serena finds Jenny who says that Serena needs to pretend she didn’t see Jen. Serena tells Jen about Vanessa and Jen says that she’s only a friend even though they have a history. Jen tells her that Dan’s never liked a girl the way he likes Serena but not the ice capades. Serena says she’s going to go try to find Dan now that she knows about the ice capades. Has anyone noticed how Serena doesn’t move her lips when she speaks so her words come out half slurred most of the time? Just me? Moving on.
Serena complains about her mask and offers to trade it with Jenny’s. Then she gives Jenny her shrug because Jen’s a good charity case.
Jenny leaves the bathroom and Nate grabs her because he was stalking Serena and now that Jenny’s wearing Serena’s mask and shrug, she obviously looks exactly like Serena even though Serena is about seven feet tall and towers over everyone. Nate says that he made a mistake and he wants only Serena and he can’t fight it. Then he kisses her, thinking it’s Serena but it’s Jenny.
Serena comes out of the bathroom and is like, Nate what are you doing? Nate doesn’t understand how Serena’s there when he just kissed her and she ran away. Serena tells him to find Blair but she doesn’t rhyme like she’s supposed to. The count is on to midnight and Blair still hasn’t been found. She grabs at Jenny and calls her Serena, but finds the bracelet from Jenny’s wrist. Then midnight hits and she sees Nate standing behind her and no one is wearing a mask.
Chuck complains that Little Jenny Humphrey got his pants off and he didn’t get to enjoy it. Blair says that it’s good he’s not on the roof and doesn’t want to know where he got his tux. Nate tries to get into the limo with Blair but she doesn’t let him because he didn’t find her by midnight and didn’t really try all that hard.
Dan calls Serena and asks why she ran away. Serena is standing right behind him. He describes what she was wearing and Serena walks up behind him. He says that he likes her and only her. She feels the same way. They mack it. She tells him that the ice capades are in town and he says he’ll go, which shows his love.
Nate arrives home and finds his parents up late because they were celebrating the business deal between them and NastyMom. Boring Mom shows Nate the cocaine she found and blames Nate for it. Capt. lets Nate take the fall because, contrary to popular belief, a captain does not go down with his own ship.
Dan finds Jenny at home and tells her he went to the ball. Jen says that his night isn’t over and points across the room at Vanessa who came in through the window. She brought him food and he’s hungry because he’s literally starving. They exchange a bunch of shouldn’t haves and decide to be friends. Dan’s missed having friends because he has none. Vanessa wants to hear all about Serena. Dan says that Serena is as fantastic as Vanessa’s fried food which is pretty dang great.