Gettin Drunk, Gettin High, Gettin Naked, Gettin Arrested

There ain’t nothing like a hot burlesque show to get the Upper East Side goin.  Chuck Slime is mesmerized by women taking off their lingerie on stage.  One of those women looks very familiar from the back….hmmm….but we’re getting ahead of ourselves apparently…

…A few hours before…

ChuckSlime tells Blair he wants his dad to invest in a burlesque show because Chuck likes naked women.  Blair says it has franchise potential and his years of womanizing and boozing have paid off. He says the Bass Slime Empire was built on this kind of thinking and he’ll send a car for Blair for a victory party.

Boring Mom tells Boring Nate he must attend rehab after they go to a party where they lie and say he’s not an addict.  Capt. Hook tells Boring Mom he wants to talk to Nate alone and then Nate goes into a tirade about how Capt. didn’t fess up to owning the cocaine.  Capt. tells Nate not to worry and he won’t end up in rehab. Try to make him go to rehab and Nate says no, no, no.  Capt. explains that some guy at his office offered him a pick-me-up when he was tired. Everyone takes cocaine to pull an all-nighter.  Then Capt. wants Nate to have non-alcoholic drinks with him after school to prove he doesn’t like illegal substances.

At the Humphrey house, Rockin Rufus fights with Alison on the phone. Jenny’s on her own phone and then Long Lost Vanessa arrives at the front door on her phone looking for the other Humphrey.  Shouldn’t she be making her way through an air conditioning vent instead of using a door?

Serena and Dan are making out against a stoop and Serena says the bricks are uncomfortable so Dan switches places with her.  He says it’s not comfortable.  Serena thinks the school should have better make out spots.  Dan talks about the chem teacher.  Serena wants to find a private place as she strips him in public. He asks what the rush is and the Chickadees take pictures of them with their cell phones because they’re into porn. Serena wants to talk about eventually having sex and Dan says sure but then squirms away.

Jenny arrives at school and Boring Nate finds her and calls her Serena again.  She asks what he’s doing in the girls’ hall and he says that he lied about his feeling for Serena when he kissed her.  He gives her a box of chocolate to make up for it.  He needs her to help him and Blair arrives and Nate gives her the box of chocolate instead.  Jenny walks away and Blair calls her Cinderella, holding up her bracelet. Blair hates secrets and friends don’t lie and she calls Jenny her friend. Then Blair returns to fawn over Boring Nate and his box of chocolates.  Forrest Gump was more interesting and he wasn’t rich.

Father Slime is busy making out with Judgy Lily in her office when ChuckSlime walks in.  Chuck points out a missed button as she leaves and she buttons up the rest of her shirt.  Father Slime tells Chuck not to say a word to anyone and Chuck asks if he’s serious.  Father Slime avoids the question so Chuck dives into his investment idea about the burlesque club. Father Slime is pleased because Chuck is interested in something other than boozing it up.  Chuck says that the place sells itself.

Blair tells Serena that she heard on Gossip Girl that Serena and Dan were practically having sex on the very school steps they’re sitting on.  The Chickadees had filmed Serena and Dan’s make out session.  Big future in porn.  Blair hears it was aggressive and Serena says that Dan is good at everything they’ve done even though they haven’t done it.  Blair reminds her that this is her first relationship and they need to talk about it. Serena says talking ruins it.  Blair knows that.  Only the guys they like would want to slow things down because in the end, they’re all gay.

Dream sequence! Dream sequence!  Shirtless Dan,who is shirtless because he’s poor most likely, “awakes” next to Serena and asks how he was.  She wants to ask the judges.  The Chickadees hold up scorecards that say 4 and negative 3.  They mock him and he says he chose to wait. Dan’s a virgin because he can’t afford a hooker.  He says you don’t rush art and the Chickadees want to know who Art is.

LowlyBoyDan really wakes up when he overhears Rufus asking Alison if she slept with the neighbor who answered her phone.  Not the conversation you should have in front of your own children.  Alison hangs up on him and he says that he didn’t realize Dan was home.  Dan says that his mom is having an affair and Jenny overhears but pretends not to. Rufus goes out to buy groceries meaning the ingredients for waffles.

Boring Nate walks to the club and calls Capt to tell him he’s almost there but Capt can’t make it because of work even though they need to have an important conversation.  And that’s the entire scene.  Boring.

Meanwhile, ChuckSlime is being slimy with some woman who has on bright red lipstick.  She tied a knot with a cherry stem and so he tries to mack it with her but Father Slime shows up and cockblocks.  His dad doesn’t think he will invest in something for his son to get drunk and get women.  He tells Chuck to get a few A’s in school or maybe a part time job.  He walks out and finds a pretty young think to get into the limo with him. Chuck looks on in jealousy because he wants the pretty young thing.

NastyMom tries to find something for Blair to wear at their party.  She tells Blair that Nate asked for the family ring from his mother to give to Blair. 

Nate shows up at Capt’s office and sees Capt buying drugs. 

Over in Brooklyn, Serena’s about to deflower Lowly Dan in the empty Humphrey apartment that they have for about twenty more minutes.  Serena starts taking her clothes off and Dan says that it’s way too bright.  But then Vanessa comes through his window and Dan throws Serena on the floor.  Dan says it’s good to see her and then walks Vanessa out the front door to show her what a front door is.  Vanessa sticks her head back in to see if they’re still doing it.

Serena asks if they should talk about what almost happened and Dan says Vanessa’s name about twenty times.  Then Serena says they shouldn’t talk about it and tackles Dan on the bed to continue.  Then Rufus comes home with breakfast.  Waffles!

ChuckSlime is all drunk when he calls Nate’s voicemail to say that his dad didn’t go for the business deal but he’s still having a party and Nate has to come to make the party a little bit boring before it gets out of control.  Chuck drops his key on the ground and Judgy Lily judges that he’s drunk. Chuck sits on the floor because he loses his balance and Lily asks if he had a long night and guesses that Father Slime turned him down.  She helps Chuck up and Chuck says that he was born loaded and his dad used to be poor and Lily says that his father loves him.  Chuck complains that while his dad tells him he’s not committed, his dad screws 25-year-olds when he’s supposed to be committed to Lily.  Lily says they’re not committed. Chuck wonders aloud about the Asian chick from yesterday andLily leaves distraught.

Boring Nate tries to talk to Boring Mom about how the drugs are Captain’s but Boring Mom needs to get her hair blown out and doesn’t listen to Nate when he asks for help.  She has a hard time looking at him.  She says that Capt has been under a lot of pressure because Nate has been rebelling against Dartmouth and Blair.  Boring Mom tells him to wear a tie to be less boring.

To get some pointers, Dan watches some porn on his laptop when Vanessa comes into his room through the door this time, but doesn’t knock. She asks what he’s doing watching porn. Um, he’s a teenaged boy.  That’s what he’s supposed to do.  But it’s not porn. Porn is too expensive.  He’s watching art cinema.  Vanessa tells him he doesn’t need to do research from what she saw and she questions why he’s considering having sex since sex is art and you don’t rush art.  Apparently, Vanessa knows who Art is.  Then Vanessa declares that he’s losing his virginity to Serena who’s done it with tons of guys in all shapes and sizes.  Vanessa says that if it were her with him, she’d want him to replace his sheets and get some candles.

Jenny thanks Blair for fixing the clasp on her borrowed bracelet.  Blair says that she won’t forgive Jenny next time she tries to cross Blair.  Then Blair says that Nate is planning to give Blair the family diamond.  This is sounding like the Great Muppet Caper.  Jenny says it’s been a weird week and Blair wants to know what Jen’s hiding.  She asks if Jenny’s jealous and Jen tells her that Nate kissed her at the ball and that he said he wasn’t over Serena.  Blair dismisses Jenny for good because she needs someone to blame.

Later at the party, Blair is wearing knotted pearls and a lacey gray dress that NastyMom picked out. The Boring family is there and Nate tells Blair that she looks beautiful.  She asks if there’s anything he wants to say.  He says no. 

Dream sequence! Dream sequence!  Dan watches Serena and Nate have sex on a bar stool. He asks Nate if the hair grab works and Nate says every time.  Dan asks if he has to keep his shirt open and Nate says yes.

Rufus wakes Dan up and sees that Dan was looking at massage on the internet.  Rockin Rufus invites him to go to the gallery with him, Jenny, and Vanessa.  Dan says he wants to stay home and Rufus asks if Dan would like a refresher sex talk. Dan says no.  Rufus tells him to be safe and to lose the football sheets and Cabbage Patch doll because Rufus is a rocker dad and wants his children to have sex as soon as possible.

Vanessa and Jenny talk about Blair and Nate at the gallery.  Then they talk about Rufus and Alison.  They sweep.

At NastyMom’s party, Capt says that NastyMom is fantastic and NastyMom asks them to eat cheese.  Then the parents talk about the children getting married. Capt tells Blair to try on the ring and Blair doesn’t want to but Capt insists that they’ll be a beautiful couple. NastyMom says it looks pretty. Nate wants to smoke cigars with his dad to get him out of the room.

ChuckSlime is once again watching girls strip at Victrola, the burlesque club.  FatherSlime and the Asian woman arrive, prompted by the Asian woman who said that he should look into his son’s endeavor.  FatherSlime offers to invest and Chuck half hugs him. Father Slime says that he can’t get a hold of Lily and Chuck says there’s something he has to tell him. As in he ratted his own dad out to her.

Capt Hook and Nate are bickering about his drug problem again.  Nate is such a nag.  Nate is tired of his dad sabotaging everything all the time and Capt says that he’s the adult.  Capt tries to go back inside and Nate grabs his arm.  So Capt does what any loving father would do.  He punches Nate out.  Nate falls to the ground as a police cruiser pulls up and a cop asks if everything’s all right.  Capt says it’s all fine and that the guy bleeding on the ground is his son.  The cop asks Nate and he apologizes to his dad and tells the cops to check his dad’s pockets.  Nice way to sell out your family.  Capt shouldn’t have pushed him so much about Dartmouth.

Lily still isn’t taking Father Slime’s calls and Chuck says that it’s not all his fault because there’s a reason Lily believed him so quickly.  Father Slime leaves to find Lily to fix everything.

Nate plans to find Chuck at the burlesque place and Blair stops him to accuse him of kissing Serena at the ball.  She asks if he loves her and he stares at the ground.  Blair shakes her head and tells him to deal with his father who needs him.  She doesn’t need Nate. She climbs into the limo and leaves.

Dan invites Serena into his bedroom which has candles and new sheets and no signs of a Cabbage Patch. She says it’s perfect.

Blair arrives at Victrola. Chuck asks where Nate is and she says she thinks they just broke up.  They both go inside and drink and Blair says she’s relieved.  Then she says she’s got moves.  Now we’re back to the beginning.  The girl who was up onstage before we flashed back?  Was Blair.  She takes off her headband.  Then her dress.  Chuck is mesmerized.  The crowd cheers.  A transvestite asks him who the girl is and Chuck says he has no idea. He toasts to Blair with his champagne. Gossip Girl voices over that you can’t keep a bad girl down.

Judgy Lily shows up at Rufus’ art gallery where he’s sweeping the ceiling.  He automaticallyberates her about her love life and says he’s in no mood but she can stay for the installation to keep him company.

Dan’s candles are still burning but his record is skipping.  He throws something at the record player.  So he’s one of those guys.  He listens to everything on vinyl.  He macks it with Serena who’s terrified at the thought of sleeping with him because that might make her poor, too.  They mack it some more but then theycuddle.  Rufus is gonna be disappointed.

Nate arrives home and his mom now hates him and blames him.  Nate wants to pay Capt’s bail but his dad is facing all kinds of charges for fraud and embezzlement.  Now it’s all Nate’s fault.

Rufus and Lily watch the light installation at his gallery.

Jenny arrives at her mom’s house and tells her to come home.  We still don’t know what her mom looks like.

Dan and Serena are still cuddling as if they’re teenagers.  Oh, wait, they are.

Blair and Chuck are heading home in the limo and Chuck tells her she was amazing on stage.  She kisses him and he asks if she’s sure and she macks it hard core so Chuck starts ripping her clothes off.  Finally, Chuck gets to deflower someone but doesn’t have to rape her in the process.