Waffles Are A Girl’s Best Friend, Or Butterflies Are The New Slime

Highlights: Nate and Jenny are the best of friends; Serena and Vanessa are the best of friends; Captain and NastyMom are the best of friends; Alison and Rufus are the best of friends and make waffles

Last week, Gossip Girl followed Jenny Humphrey all the way to Hudson to watch her tell her faceless mother to come home.  Gossip Girl surely does get around.  I wonder how Jenny could afford to go to Hudson.  Maybe she had the lady who hit on Rufus drive her.

The Catholic Church absolves mortal sin through confession.  Blair confesses that she got it on with ChuckSlime in his limo after breaking up with Boring Nate for about twenty minutes and Chuck will act like it doesn’t happen and she’s not really Catholic which is a sin in and of itself.  The priest tells her not to drink and to keep her clothes on.  She should avoid those who cause her to stray.  She thanks the priest and then asks if he grants birthday wishes.  He says he’s not a genie.  She asks the priest to tell God to give her Nate back anyway.  He disappears into his golden lamp.

LowlyDan and Serena are making out in the café where Long Lost Vanessa works.  Dan calls out Vanessa!  Serena reminds him that her name is Serena. Dan says, no, Vanessa, and waves at Vanessa with the big hoop earrings.  Vanessa, wearing a colorful heart shirt that only the lower class would wear in the boroughs, takes their order.  Dan points out that she works there.  He’s quick.  She reintroduces herself to Serena and apologizes for coming through Dan’s window when they were making out.  She asks what they did last night to see if Dan is still a virgin.  They tell her that she’s not prying.  Vanessa supports Dan losing his virginity even though Dan has yet to lose it.

Blair emerges from church, newly pure.  ChuckSlime pulls up in his limo and she tells him to go away when he asks her to go to breakfast.  Instead, she goes to the jewelry store to pick out stuff for her birthday that Nate should give to her.  Blair tells him that they will never mention last night’s deflowering again and uninvites Chuck to her birthday bash.  Gossip Girl voices over that the devil has appeared in his trademark scarf which makes him furious. 

Jen comes home from Hudson with Alison.  Rockin Rufus asks Alison what she’s doing there.  Jen asked her to come so that her parents could talk.  Seriously, a fourteen year old girl shouldn’t be responsible for getting her parents to communicate like adults.  Jenny talks a mile a minute and Rufus says he’s not angry.  Jen says to give Alison a chance. Rufus says not on an empty stomach and goes to make them breakfast.  Waffles solve everything.  EVERYTHING.  But Alison beat him to it—she’s makin waffles already.  He says he sticks to whatever he commits to.  Like waffles.  Jenny gets the syrup. 

Blair goes home and stares at Nate’s boring phone number on her phone.  NastyMom shows her the newspaper that says Captain (but not Tenille) is being charged with embezzlement.  NastyMom says it’s awful for her because it’s all about her. 

Over at Casa De Boring, Capt doesn’t know why everyone is making a big deal about his fraud.  His lawyer tells him he’s not locked up because Boring Mom could afford to bail him out.  She says she would pay ten times that and he’s not going to jail.  Capt. thinks it’s a set up.  Nate tells his dad to shut up and listen to the lawyer.  The lawyer says they need to be a united front.  Nate boringly suggests a plea bargain and Capt. is appalled that Nate thinks he’s guilty because he’s a drug addict so he must also be a fraud.  Boring Mom tells Boring Nate that he can’t participate in the grown up conversation.

Lowly Dan arrives home to find his family, including his mom, eating waffles without him.  Dan overloads on sarcasm and asks if anyone else finds the waffle eating extremely weird.   Jenny brings up the guy in Hudson that Alison slept with.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Dan suggests that if they want to keep secrets, they move to a place that has more walls.  Can’t argue with him there.  He goes into his bedroom and now no one can eat waffles.

At Blair’s house, Blair can’t believe that Dan told Vanessa that he and Serena were gonna do it.  Serena says that Vanessa is a girl. Sure she is—she wears big hoop earrings.  Blair explains that the best friend becomes the second best friend when the first friend gets a girlfriend.  Serena asks how Nate is and Blair lies that she told him to focus on his family because Serena doesn’t know that they broke up and Blair thinks Serena might get all judgy like Lily if Serena knew.  Then she says she told Nate not to come to the party if he wasn’t up to it.  Really, she doesn’t want him to make the party boring.  Serena hugs Blair and says they’ll go together.

Boring Nate listens to a boring song on his juke phone thingie while lying on his boring couch. Boring Mom makes him stop listening to the music and start listening to her.  She tells him that he needs to give Blair something special for her birthday—grandma’s heirloom diamond ring from the Great Muppet Caper.  Boring Mom thinks it will show loyalty.  Nate says they broke up.  Boring Mom tells them to get back together and blames Nate for getting their family into this predicament.  Nate reminds her that Capt’s drug problem is to blame, not him, but she tells Nate it’s all his fault no matter what.  Then she molests his hand and makes him take the ring to give to Blair.

Blair googles Capt and finds all these stories about embezzlement when Nate calls her to tell her he’s fine and needs her to get back together with him.  Blair isn’t sure if the breakup was a good or bad decision but points out they have a lot of history.  She tells Nate he needs to work for it if he wants her back and he says, Yeah yeah.  Really, that’s what he says—yeah yeah.  He tells her he has a birthday present for her.  His package!  No, it’s the ring. Because he never wants to have sex with her ever. Blair calls the jewelry store and asks if any of the pieces she put on hold were picked up.  The diamond necklace was.  She thinks that’s what Nate picked up and she gleefully squeals “thank you” to the empty room.  But Nate didn’t pick up the necklace. I wonder who did.  Not really.  It’s obvious who did.  I’ll let you mull it over.

Alison goes into Dan’s room and Dan berates her.  He says he’s not mad about the cheating but he’s mad she promised she’d be home by the end of the summer and she left in the first place.  She had hoped he would have said something if he had a problem with her leaving.  Do these people know how to be adults?  How to be parents?  First off, you don’t ask your kids for advice.  Secondly, you don’t ask your kids for permission.  Third, you don’t sleep around and ask them to understand.  Fourth, you have to make waffles whenever you have conversations like this and Alison has no waffles in sight.  Dan says he’s pissed that his father is in love with her and Jenny goes to school with date rapists.  He goes out and Jen leaves to force her parents to be alone with each other.

Boring Nate arrives at ChuckSlime’s house and begs to be let in.  Nate explains the ring thing to Chuck and Chuck is like, You broke up. Nate is like, How do you know?  Chuck is like, I know everything, and Nate accepts that as a good answer.  Then ChuckSlime tells him to be done with Blair and Nate asks what happened to the tap-that-ass philosophy he had.  Chuck tells him that he needs to not be controlled by his parents because teenagers should be in charge of their own lives.

At Blair’s party, everyone plays Guitar Hero and gives Blair presents.  Blair and Serena arrive and find the Chickadees dressed in sailor suits even though the masquerade ball was so two weeks ago.  They eat sushi and Serena asks where Nate is and Blair says he’s coming soon.  Blair asks about Dan and Serena says he’s coming but she hasn’t talked to him since the morning.  Blair cautions her to check in with him because his best friend hovers at his window, ready to pounce at any moment.  Then ChuckSlime walks in and Blair runs off to hide from him. 

Dan is, meanwhile, at Vanessa’s, complaining about his family.  She’s giving him good advice and tells him that he’s got her.  He says he’s going to meet up with Serena and she tells him to have fun.  Then he asks what they’re doing and he says he likes Serena and Vanessa and Serena likes him and Vanessa so they should have a threesome.  Oh, wait, that’s not where he’s going with this. He just wants Vanessa to be nice to Serena.  He doesn’t want to be forced to choose between them so Vanessa invites herself out with him to Blair’s party.  Dan says that’s like bashing her head onto a rock but she likes rocks so they go together.

Out on the balcony, Blair grabs ChuckSlime’s hair and twists his head around in an act of nausea. He tells her that it’s all over with Nate and she tells him he sounds like a jealous boyfriend.  He says, Yeah right you wish.  That’s witty. She asks Chuck if he likes her and he wants a definition of like.  He hasn’t slept and he feels sick and has a fluttering stomach.  She’s appalled that he has butterflies.  He’s surprised and ashamed that he likes her.  Blair explains that he needs to kill the butterflies.  He says fine and it wasn’t that great anyway.

Jenny arrives at the party and sees Nate on the street.  She apologizes for telling Blair what happened at the ball and he says it’s not her fault.  Things have been strange between him and Blair and asks if Jenny’s going inside.  She’s not sure if she wants to because she was invited before the fight.  She asks Nate to give Blair her birthday card.  Nate asks Jenny to go for a walk.  She goes with him even though she doesn’t know what Blair would think about it.  Has Jenny learned nothing from almost being raped?  Why does she go off with boys alone?  Oh, wait, it’s Nate.   Nuff said.  Moving on.

Dan and Vanessa arrive at the party and Serena introduces them to the Chickadees.  She introduces Vanessa to Blair and Vanessa isn’t impressed and Blair says that Serena’s looks are a problem.

Speaking of problems, Rufus and Alison are finally talking about theirs.  He asks why Jen had to drag Alison back from Hudson if she wasn’t sleeping with the neighbor anymore.  Alison says that Rufus sounded like he didn’t want her back when they spoke on the phone.  She wanted to give Rufus space and he says they have too much space already because they have no walls.  He tells her not to act like she cares about what he wants.  She reminds him that she was there for him when he was on the road playing with his band and her entire life has been about him and now she screwed up because she was a later bloomer.  What is she talking about?  She cries.  Rufus says he cares and he cries but his crying is not very believable.  They mack it. 

Blair and ChuckSlime are again on the balcony and she can’t find Nate who is supposed to call her at midnight on her birthday.  ChuckSlime tells her it’s not a coincidence that Nate wants to get back with her while his family and hers are in a business deal.  She says that Nate loves her.  ChuckSlime bets her that Nate won’t call; if he doesn’t call, she needs to spend the night with him.  Blair says that Chuck will lose.

LowlyDan tells Serena he brought Vanessa to the party to make Vanessa like Serena.  Instead, it’s all weird and awkward.  Serena wants to make an effort to bond and Vanessa decides to play Guitar Hero.  Oh, no.  This is very very awkward.  Not for them, but for me.  The screen is wall sized and Serena is playing Free Bird but making weird faces and swaying not in time with the music.  Vanessa looks on with a happy smirk as Serena spins around and Dan sings the whoa whoa whoa part.  Then there’s some jumping and cheering and Dan bobbing his head to the beat and Serena rockin out with a snarl and a guitar solo and the song ends but anyone who knows Freebird knows it’s like eighteen minutes long.  Vanessa says that she’s bringing dessert and wants to play Warrant’s Cherry Pie.

Then it stops being awkward for me and gets awkward for them as Dan tells Serena that Jenny brought his mom home.  Serena is upset that Dan told Vanessa and not Serena.  Serena walks out and Dan apologizes for telling Vanessa anything.  Serena tells him he’s not six anymore and she was hoping that he would tell Serena everything now.  Dan says that the girlfriend thing is new to him. She doesn’t want to compete with Vanessa other than in Guitar Hero.  He says that they’ll talk about his family tomorrow, just the two of them.  They mack it.  She stops when it’s almost midnight for no apparent reason.

Jenny and Nate sit on some random steps and she says that she heard about his dad and didn’t want to come to Blair’s party but wanted to get out of the house.  Boring Nate then shows Jenny the birthday present for Blair and Jenny’s says that Blair told her about his grandmother’s ring.  Nate tells Jen that he and Blair broke up and he knows it was the right thing to do and it’s not fair that their parents want them together.  He wonders when it will ever stop if he helps his parents now.  Jenny tells him only he can stop it.

Blair downs a drink as Chuck comes over to be slimy.  He tells her to turn around and Serena’s standing there with a big birthday cake. They tell her to make a wish and she says it already didn’t come true and refuses to blow out the candles.  Chuck blows them out instead.

Nate hails a cab and tells Jenny he had a good night with her.  She giggles.  She says that her parents think she’s with a friend so they won’t be mad.  He says that they think right and he hugs her.  Some random girl walks up behind them and takes a picture with her cell.  They don’t see her and she disappears. 

Blair gets a text of Nate hugging Jenny.  So do the Chickadees.  They hope the slut gets herpes.  Then Blair says that they broke up and he was only trying to help his dad get her mom in a business deal.  Serena says that Blair can talk to her and Blair thought that it wouldn’t be true if she didn’t acknowledge it.  She wants to be alone so she goes into her room in tears.

Boring Nate arrives at his boring house and tells his parents he didn’t go to the party and didn’t give her the ring.  He tells them it’s over and Capt. says that Nate needs to support him.  Nate says he better hope they don’t call Nate to the stand because he would totally rat out the Capt.  Payback’s a bitch.

Rufus and Alison are making out on the living room floor when Jenny comes home.  So inappropriate.  These kids are going to need major therapy.

Vanessa asks Serena if her friend is going to be okay and Serena rambles on about boyfriends and break ups.  They agree that friendship is challenging.  Serena and Vanessa are both protective of Dan.  Serena rambles some more with her slurred speech and barely opens her lips again as she brags about her Guitar Hero skills.  Vanessa says that she can smoke Serena and she’s a golden god.  Dan interrupts them as they giggle so Vanessa goes away.  Dan is jealous that they now have secrets.  Serena is going to stay so she sends Dan home on Vanessa’s Vespa.  Eventually, Serena might steal that Vespa.

ChuckSlime comes into Blair’s room to give her the diamond necklace that he picked up from the jewelry store.  The necklace she thought Nate bought.  Chuck puts it on her and says that she’s beautiful and so is the necklace.  He kisses her shoulder but doesn’t try to rape her.  Instead, they mack it on mutual conditions as Serena walks in on them.  Gossip Girl says that, contrary to popular opinion, not herpes, but Chuck is the gift that keeps on giving.