Twelve Step Program of Christmas
Highlights: Gay men ice skate and I don’t mean Nate and Chuck; Judgy Lily spills the beans; Rufus dates the guy Alison had an affair with; Vanessa, Serena, and Dan make a big deal out of gift giving for dirt cheap; Jenny makes the family fall apart
Jenny’s singing again. She’s wearing a red beret along with the choir and they’re singing Santa Baby. LowlyBoyDan and Rich Serena shop for presents and Dan wants to buy a butter churner because making your own butter is cheaper than buying it from the supermarket. He complains that it never snows anymore and Christmas is about slush.
Long Lost Vanessa arrives with an afro and a copy of the New Yorker and a letter to Mr. Humphrey from the mag that wants to publish the short story he wrote and Vanessa submitted behind his back which she stole from his desk along with a stapler. Not only does she break and enter, but she’s also a klepto. BTW—it’s impossible to get published in the New Yorker, especially if you’re poor. The story is 10/8/05 and Serena asks what the date means and no one answers her and Dan thanks Serena.
Rockin Rufus and Affair-Having Alison arrive in a cab and he can’t believe he just spent 32 dollars on it but Alison didn’t want to wait for the subway. They bump into JudgyLily and Father Slime and there are a bunch of awkward introductions all around. Lily excuses them so they can end the awkwardness.
Lily tells Father Slime that it wouldn’t have been awkward if Lily let people know what’s going on. He says he’s in love with her. Then Blair arrives to cut the conversation short. He tells Blair he’s stuck in town on business while ChuckSlime is in Monaco at the Bass House until New Years.
Blair walks away and texts ChuckSlime to ask why she doesn’t know about Monaco. Her dad arrived from Paris 27 minutes ago so she doesn’t have time to talk to Serena but does have time to yell at cabs that don’t stop for her. Blair explains that her dad should be in NY and suggests Serena buy Dan an outfit for his Cabbage Patch Kid for Christmas.
Daddy reintroduces Blair to his boyfriend and they hug awkwardly when Blair arrives home. NastyMom was surprised when she saw both of them there instead of just Daddy. Blair gives Daddy and Daddy’s boyfriend candy canes because it’s another one of their traditions. And everyone else’s at Christmastime.
The Humphrey household is decorating their Charlie Brown Christmas Tree and Dan’s going through the holiday cards. He finds one from Alex that says Alison should meet him on the 24th. Alison tells him not to read it and Dan puts it back saying, That’s not a Christmas card. Hil. Air. Eee. Us!!! And awkward. Rufus asks why he’s writing to her and then Dan points out that Dan and Jenny are in the room and can still hear them. They continue to discuss it in front of the children and then Rufus announces that it will not ruin Christmas because they will all have to forget about it.
Blair, NastyMom, Daddy, and Daddy’s boyfriend take a stroll through Central Park. Blair and NastyMom are wearing poofy berets and plaid wraps—very shee shee winter gear. NastyMom has a meeting with Victoria’s Secret after they go ice skating and Daddy’s boyfriend is all about Vickie’s Secret. Because he really is gay. Blair is proud of her mother’s line and makes NastyMom talk to the boyfriend so Blair can have alone time with Daddy. Daddy tells her he misses the soiree that Blair is going to but it’s impossible for him to be in NYC and Paris at the same time. He bought a place in Paris that has great gardens.
Some old man and his niece asks NastyMom where the ice skating rink is because he can’t find it. NastyMom points to the rink right in front of them that is impossible to miss. The man walks away and Daddy’s boyfriend explains that the man was flirting with her. That’s pretty ballsy considering Daddy’s boyfriend could have very well been NastyMom’s boyfriend. Daddy’s boyfriend decides he will skate with NastyMom who begrudgingly agrees.
LowlyDan reads through several of the same issue of the New Yorker and Vanessa asks if he plans on autographing them. Serena shows up and gives Dan a box of perfection; she makes him open it to reveal a watch. She noticed he didn’t have a watch so he now has one so he can get to meetings on time. He stares at it speechless. She thinks he wanted the brown band instead. He doesn’t want to accept it because he gives everyone he knows poor gifts. Serena asks if she overdid it and he says her underdoing is overdoing. They set guidelines: tomorrow morning they will give each other gifts worth no more than 50 bucks. When Serena is on her way out, Vanessa wants to tell her Dan’s favorite used book shop but Serena doesn’t listen to her because there’s no way she’ll set foot in a shop that sells used things.
Rockin Rufus gets his bad boy on and meets up with Alex at the place Alex’s note told Alison to meet him on the 24th. Rufus threatens him and tells him to stay away from his wife and not to send more letters to the place where his children live. Rufus tells him Alison wants Alex to leave him alone. Alex apologizes because that’s not what Alison told him a few days ago. Bad boy turns into girly man when he asks, You spoke to her a few days ago? Rufus wins Tool of the Episode.
Meanwhile, Blair texts people as her three parents fall all over the ice rink. ChuckSlime asks how she faked her virginity for Nate. Daddy’s boyfriend trips over Blair’s skate, which Blair stuck out on purpose but pretends that she didn’t because passive aggressive is her middle name.
When they get back home, Blair can’t believe that Daddy is staying in the ER with Daddy’s boyfriend instead of going back the Carlyle with Blair. NastyMom says that Daddy’s boyfriend isn’t so innocent because he used to be infatuated with a guy named Freddy who Blair shall not mention to Daddy. She asks for Freddy’s last name, just for fun purposes, not because she’ll mention it to Daddy.
Rufus Humphrey goes home and tells Alison he was on a date with Alex who is a cool guy. Alison owed him an explanation and didn’t think she needed to tell Rufus that. Rufus asks if she would’ve come back if Jenny hadn’t shown up. She asks if Lily would be there right now if she hadn’t. I hate it when people answer a question with a question. He wouldn’t be talking to Lily if Alison hadn’t left in the first place so shut up Alison. Rufus says they can fix themselves by cutting off all ties to the outside world. Alison says that other people aren’t the problem and they’ve changed. Rufus asks when do they admit that it will never work between them then.
Now Jenny shows up at the café that Dan is at and she finds cheese online for Dan to get Serena. He says make my own cheese and Jenny finds it funny and so do I. She says that Eric told her that the hotel the van der Woodsens are staying in doesn’t allow trees.
Blair, meanwhile, calls up ChuckSlime who isn’t answering his phone. She asks him not to tell anyone about the two of them. Serena walks in and Blair hangs up. She wants to log in to Serena’s website for modeling from years ago when Serena modeled for GAP. Blair tells Serena she’s late and Serena says Blair is lucky because she doesn’t have a gift for Dan and it’s Christmas Eve and all the stores are closing. Umm, no, Serena. You live in NYC. The stores stay open straight through the night. She doesn’t know what she can get for under 50 bucks. Blair says dinner at a mid-priced restaurant or stockings. Because neither of them knows what it’s like to be poor. Then she says to buy him a gold money clip. Blair books a model named Freddy. Ooh, can it be the same Freddy that Daddy’s boyfriend used to date? Yes. Of course it is.
Serena arrives at Vanessa’s job lamenting the fact that she still hasn’t found anything for LowlyBoyDan and needs Vanessa’s help. Serena found a book and a pen but they are all over budget. All Dan wants for Christmas is snow and Serena can’t give him that. But Vanessa, Queen of the Sneaky, thinks she can.
NastyMom is in love with a tree at her party. Judgy Lily gets a call from Rufus so she steps outside the party to tell him they shouldn’t talk but he should say whatever he needs to say. He asks if she wants him to say something. She asks why he’s calling. He says Merry Christmas and have a good holiday. She says she’s flying to Anguila with Father Slime and tells him goodnight and good bye. She hangs up and asks herself what’s the matter with her. Rufus sighs on his fire escape.
The old man from the skating rink in the park arrives at NastyMom’s party. Daddy’s boyfriend had invited him. NastyMom takes his gift and walks away from him and then yells at Daddy’s boyfriend for inviting a strange man to the party. Daddy’s boyfriend is all like, Jack came!??!?! and waves profusely across the room. NastyMom is appalled but Daddy’s boyfriend gives her the lowdown about how old man Jack owns hedge funds and finds NastyMom attracted. NastyMom says a friend wouldn’t steal her husband as Daddy’s boyfriend did to her.
Boring Nate hasn’t called Blair yet. Blair goes into her bedroom to find Serena, Eric, and Vanessa planning Dan’s present. Serena thinks it’s incredible and Blair says she wants to help with the project. She asks Vanessa to help her find scissors. They go into the bathroom so Blair can berate Vanessa. Blair sees the truth; Vanessa likes Dan too much and she’s watching Vanessa’s every move. Vanessa decides to leave and won’t tell Serena where she’s going. Blair leaves too without helping but she says her work is done.
Lily comes in and tells her children that she will take them out to dessert when the party is over. Just the three of them. Serena says that whenever Lily says just the three of them it’s code for Lily’s whoring herself out to someone new. Lily then tells them that she’s dating ChuckSlime’s dad, Father Slime. Eric and Serena don’t like it because Father Slime has a scary face and a scary son. Lily says she’s not marrying him nor is she asking for their permission.
Jenny and Dan are hauling a stolen tree down the sidewalk. Jenny thinks the tree is romantic and wonders if her parents’ gifts are just as romantic. She hopes things will be back to the way they were. Dan thinks they’ll split up. Jenny thinks that it’s all her fault. Dan hugs her because she did the right thing in splitting the family up. Yet again, it’s all Jenny’s fault.
NastyMom decides to finally talk to Old Man Jack who doesn’t skate as well as his niece does. He thinks NastyMom was very pretty on the ice.
Freddy the Model shows up, saying that Daddy’s boyfriend invited him. NastyMom can’t believe he’s there. Freddy thinks Daddy’s boyfriend is electric. Daddy is pissed that his boyfriend invited Freddy. NastyMom thinks Blair invited him. Freddy says that Blair offered him a cruise and a gym membership. NastyMom tells him to get out and he won’t be in her catalog. Blair stands awkwardly in the middle of the party because they caught her doing something not so sweet.
NastyMom tells Daddy not to yell at Blair because Blair wanted to spend time alone with Daddy and not Daddy’s boyfriend. Daddy had hoped it would all work out but he’s naïve. NastyMom explains that Blair learned scheming from her mother and dreaming from her father, and although Blair acts all grown up, she’s really a little girl who needs her Daddy.
Jenny and Dan are still lugging the tree over to Serena’s hotel. Jenny needs to distract the doorman while Dan sneaks the tree into the elevator. JudgyLily shows up and says hi to Dan, Jenny, and tree. They want her to help them sneak the tree in. She says that they can’t fool the guard but they can sneak in through the service entrance.
Serena find Vanessa and thanks her and wants her to stay around to see Dan’s face. Vanessa tells Serena not to tell Dan that she helped.
Blair calls Nate but gets his voicemail. Then Daddy comes into her room to say goodbye. She pouts. He asks her to forgive him for bringing his boyfriend without telling her. He had hoped she would love him. She hoped that Daddy would come back to NYC but he bought a vineyard instead. Blair thinks there’s no room in Daddy’s life for her but he says there’s always room, just less. He gives her part of her Christmas gift—a DVD with a slideshow of his house in France. He shows her the room that’s hers when she visits. He had it decorated just for her. They also have a cat named Cat from her favorite movie which was Daddy’s boyfriend’s idea. He wants her to spend the summer with them.
Dan arrives at the Humphrey gallery to find a snow video projected on all the walls to make it look like it’s snowing. He gives Serena the handwritten version of his story that was published. The date refers to the day he met Serena and she spoke only two sentences to him because at that time she wasn’t interested in slumming it. Then Serena gets naked and Dan gets scared and can’t believe they’re gonna do it. But then they do. Bow chicka bow wow.
The next day, it’s really snowing so Serena really didn’t have to go through the whole arts and crafts deal. They wake up on the floor of the gallery naked. They agree it’s the best Christmas ever.
NastyMom walks Old Man Jack to the door. He spent the night apparently. Daddy and Daddy’s boyfriend bump into Jack walking out. Their flight was canceled and NastyMom tells them they can stay with her. She tells Old Man Jack she’s spending Christmas with her family and he leaves. Blair is happy they’re all there and tells Daddy’s boyfriend that a Waldorf Christmas is the best Christmas.
Serena comes home to find a Christmas tree in the hotel illegally. She smiles.
Dan goes home and says that Lily helped with the tree. Rufus is surprised that Lily isn’t out of the country. Alison and Jenny come into the kitchen to have waffles and Rufus says he needs to go to the gallery because art never sleeps. So he too knows Art. Alison says that the three of them can hang out, watch a movie, and drink cocoa, and when Rufus comes back they can go for a walk. In the snow. Because they’re poor and can’t afford heat anyway.
The Waldorfs exchange expensive gifts.
Over at the Humphrey house, Jenny asks if Alison is going back to Hudson. She says yes but things will be okay. So this Christmas, Alison gave her children divorce.
At the van der Woodsen’s, Father Slime gives Eric a Marlins shirt because everyone thought Eric was in Florida when he was at the center because Florida is a euphemism for attempted suicide. Eric apologizes for not getting anything for Father Slime but he didn’t know Father Slime was coming for Christmas. Father Slime tells Eric and Serena he has deep feelings for their mother. The phone rings but he tells Lily not to interrupt the moment. He drops to one knee.
Outside in the snow without a coat because jackets were expensive this year is Rufus, on the phone, leaving Lily a message that the diner is closed. He wants to sue for false advertising.
Upstairs, Father Slime opens a box to show Lily a diamond ring. Her face shows that she judges it’s real.
Downstairs, Rufus tells Lily’s voicemail that Alison is leaving and spending time with the kids and he walked from Brooklyn to her doorstep without a jacket. He misses her. He’s been missing her for a while.
FatherSlime wants Lily to be his wife. Her voicemail alert goes off.
Then Blair gets a text from Chuck saying, Don’t worry who would I tell? Then there’s a picture attached of ChuckSlime and Nate hugging it up in Monaco.
Gossip Girl says to have a holly jolly Christmas. I surely will after that.