Suspension, Blackmail, and Other Rich Kid Hobbies
Highlights: Long Lost Vanessa sticks a camera in everyone’s face; the rich kids try to murder someone less rich; Lowly Boy Dan sinks a notch lower; Slime and Judgment unite while Rufus tries to find a new tune; Blair wears a maternity tuxedo
Man, it’s been way too long since we followed the antics on the UES. Last we saw them, Poor Lowly Boy Dan Humphrey boinked Serena the slut and Long Lost Vanessa was sporting an afro and NastyMom revealed Vicky’s Secret to some stranger in the park and Daddy and Daddy’s Boyfriend licked candy canes while Blair pouted but didn’t eat an entire Christmas cake and Eric was still alive but kinda missing and Jenny was responsible for her mother leaving and ChuckSlime and Boring Nate were basking in one another’s arms on an exotic deserted island and Captain and Boring Mom but not Tenille were figuring out more ways to lie about him snorting coke and Not So Rockin Rufus was waiting outside Judgy Lily’s hotel home after having walked there from Brooklyn with no coat in the snow to tell her that he loves her again while Father Slime was proposing to JudgyLily upstairs. Got all that? Good.
Pool party! All the cool rich kids are splashing around in a pool at night which is what all cool rich kids do. They’re drinking cocktails and getting laid. Too rich for beer, they have martinis. They’re smoking pot which is so inaccurate. They’re rich. They should be snorting Captain’s coke. The pool is at the school—I know this because my detective skills are keen and there’s a huge school crest on the wall. Someone has the key. I know this because my detective skills are keen and Gossip Girl says that all it takes is a key and there’s a key being thrown on the floor. It’s a pretty fancy schmancy key. Like an uber rich skeleton key that unlocks the door to riches.
Blair and Nate pop up from underwater and Nate asks why she’s been avoiding him. He molests her while he complains and then he kisses her ear and she asks what he’s doing and he says This and they mack it for a full twenty seconds. She swims away frazzled. I have to admit, although he’s boring, he’s pretty hot when he’s soaking wet.
Blair swims over to ChuckSlime who’s on the life guard chair. Is he wearing a onesy? A one piece male bathing suit? I think so. It’s red and white horizontal stripes. Where’s his scarf anyway? Blair tells him she’s had enough of the blackmail and she can’t keep avoiding Nate. ChuckSlime threatens to tell Nate about his devirginization of Blair and says he chooses Blair to torture. And walks away in his onesy.
Oh, boooo! It’s NOT a onesy. It just looks like one. His bottoms are matching red board shorts with a flower patter. It also matches Blair’s red bikini. Serena is wearing a one piece though and it’s the only one piece bathing suit I’ve ever seen that I’ve liked. ChuckSlime wonders aloud to her about what will happen if their parents come back from South Africa engaged. South Africa? I thought they got engaged under Judgy Lily’s Christmas tree. ChuckSlime wants to get it on with family. Serena wonders if incest is the only taboo he has yet to break. He goes in for the kiss and Serena knocks his martini out of his hand.
Meanwhile in the poor part of town, Dan does homework while Long Lost Vanessa films him with her camcorder and no afro. In the background, Rufus rocks out sadly, playing the same three notes.
Serena calls and they say they miss each other and I puke into my hand. She wants him to come to the pool. He says it’s at school. She tells him to bring his bathing suit. He and Vanessa head over to swim.
There’s some retro 80s song playing and this now becomes a scene from one of those St. Elmo’s Fire John Hughes Less Than Zero flicks with the drinking and drugging and heavy petting and ChuckSlime blowing his whistle in his onesy (okay I know it’s not a onesy but a girl can dream, can’t she?). Dan shows up feeling like an outsider. He’s wearing a button down and slacks and is being followed by a pauper with a video camera. Why would he feel separate from the group? Serena sees him and hugs him and kisses Vanessa hello.
Then two guys push each other by the edge of the pool and one turns and walks into a pillar and hits his head and falls into the pool. This is the lamest poolside accident ever in the history of all almost-drownings. Boring Nate juts his chin in the direction of the guy who fell and lightly caresses ChuckSlime’s arm to draw his attention to it. Of course, ChuckSlime is not at the life guard station when this happens nor does he have his whistle. Oh, and Boring Nate has his shirt off and is still wet. Is he at least 18? I’m hoping so or else I’m gonna be arrested.
Dan and Serena also see what’s happening and she kind of points and heads over that way. Vanessa isn’t filming. She so should not be a filmmaker if she doesn’t know when to keep the camera rolling. Nate finally jumps into the pool after feeling up Chuck’s arm and drags the guy to the edge. Serena calls 911 and Nate pushes way too quickly on the guy’s chest. We don’t actually see Nate giving mouth to mouth but I’m sure he’s practically tongue-kissing the guy because unconscious is the way he likes em.
Someone leaves a cell phone on the bench as they all scatter when the sirens blare and Chuck fondles the key and then takes it.
The school officials have taken all the pictures off the cell phone and now have all the students in the room to tell them that they’re all in trouble. Everyone is there who was at the party except for Vanessa who is even poorer than Dan is so there’s no way she could even look at their school, let alone go to it. The drowning kid didn’t die. The guy official introduces the new head mistress who really is new probably because the actress who was the head mistress decided to go on to other dramatic endeavors.
Head Mistress Queller admonishes them and says that they have to write personal essays about how they are assholes. Basically. She plans to interview them one by one to find out who initiated the party, and they all face expulsion. They all brood gloomily.
Outside, they all decide that no one talks and no one can get into trouble. They all agree except for Dan. They tell him to hush up because silence works every time. Then they all walk away dramatically, leaving Serena and Dan on the steps alone. Serena says she’ll get him out of it and then she bounces away too. They all may as well just blame Jenny Humphrey since she gets blamed for everything else anyway. Or they can blame Vanessa because she has a habit of breaking into places through windows and secret passageways. Still, it’s so obvious that Serena’s the one who got in even though they want us to think it was Chuck or someone else. Fine, I’ll go along with the mystery madness for now.
Blair’s first in HMQ’s office and she says she doesn’t know who broke in or why she was there and then she says she did stupid things, meaning she had sex with ChuckSlime and Boring Nate, but that has nothing to do with the almost drowning at the pool.
Outside, Boring Nate is writing furiously—he tells ChuckSlime it’s a heartfelt letter to Blair. ChuckSlime says that Blair is uninterested in him. Nate says that she kissed him in the pool. Chuck can’t believe she did that. Nate says that the torture is worth it. ChuckSlime stares away, raging with jealousy because Blair still gives him butterflies.
Rockin Rufus calls Dan and tells him that if he knows something that can keep him out of trouble he needs to cooperate because the rich kids are going to blame him.
JudgyLily arrives at Rufus’s poor art gallery and says that she just found out their kids are in trouble. She’s not there to talk about that though. She’s there to rub it in his face that she landed at the airport moments ago after a whirlwind vacation with FatherSlime. So she went directly to Brooklyn after flying in from South Africa. Believable. She then tries to break him even more by telling him that Father Slime proposed and she’s going to say yes and she didn’t want him to hear it from their children. She says she didn’t get Rufus’ message on Christmas day until she was on the plane and says that his missing her is great. He didn’t plan anything with Allison. She says he doesn’t plan anything. He says her plan probably involves jets.
Vanessa and Dan are in the elevator to Blair’s penthouse looking at the footage of ChuckSlime at the pool holding the key to the pool. They come in to find all the people who were at the party now partying at Blair’s. Blair explains that someone made out with someone who will write all their papers. Then she tells Vanessa that she can’t film her. Heeheeeee! Way to go, Blair. Then Blair tells Serena, “Michael Moore over there is using this to get closer to Dan.” Heheheheheeeee. HIL. AIR. EEE. US! Serena insists that Vanessa’s filming him because she really needs a scholarship. Either that or she’s hoping to get Dan drunk and make an “art film” with him.
Blair sees Chuck dangling the pool key in front of him. She snatches it from him and takes it upstairs. Dan comes over and tells Chuck he needs to fess up. Chuck tells him that regardless of who he puts his penis into, they come from two different worlds. Chuck comes from a world that no matter what he does, he can build a library and all will be forgiven. Dan comes from a world where he needs to not get caught because when he gets caught, he loses what little money he has and will have less of a chance of putting his penis into another rich girl. Chuck suggests all the Humphrey’s have are used MetroCards and has-been music hits.
Boring Nate follows Blair up to her room. She asks what he’s doing and he says he wanted to talk to her and then gives her the love letter he wrote for her. This is all getting really too pathetic. Stop groveling, Nate. Now not only is Nate boring, but he’s just too sad. Really, he’s a hot guy; he could move on and sleep with one of the chickadees. What happened to his obsession with Serena? Go for her. Dude, seriously, stop. Blair leaves without taking the letter. Nate puts it on her desk and then opens the drawer to find the key that Blair just hid. Now he thinks that she’s the one who started the party.
Dan goes to leave the party because Chuck is right. He tells Serena that none of this matters to them because they’re all rich. Then he puts up his hand and says, “Vanessa, please, some space.” Hil. Air. Eee. Us! Finally, Vanessa gets the verbal bitch slap from Dan. Again, she’s not a very good filmmaker. She doesn’t hide behind a bush to get the footage. She listens to Dan and walks away. Because maybe when he comes back to her, they’ll do it. Dan explains that he and Serena are not in the same boat because he’s on partial scholarship and he’s going to tattle. He asks her if she knows who it is and Serena says that he doesn’t understand. Man, it’s so her.
Blair finds Chuck who tells her to stop her Archibald habit. She says she’s tired of blackmail and he should tell Nate and she’ll tell Nate that he’s lying. He says he has proof. Vanessa has been recording and she says she now has a new angle. Chuck grabs her because he wants the tape and Dan comes to the rescue. He tells Chuck that he owes him a black eye so unless Chuck is trying to claim it, he should let go of Vanessa. Why does Dan owe him a black eye. He already gave him one for almost-raping Jenny. Where the heck is Jenny this episode? Maybe she’s being raped by Carter Basin. Or maybe she’s visiting Alison in Hudson. Maybe she’s destroying yet another family. Plus, I don’t get how Dan can still be in the same room with Chuck without going apeshit all the time. I mean, the guy tried to rape his sister. That’s not something you get over.
The next day Rufus arrives at JudgyLily’s door, this time with his coat on. He thinks she wants him to give her a reason not to spend the rest of her life with Bart Bass so he proclaims his love. She reminds him that they’re not on the road and 20 and he says thank God because now her mother can’t make her decision. They’re at the same crossroads and she should claim her life the way she wants to. He quickly kisses her and then leaves.
Nate is now in HMQ’s office and admits his guilt and apologizes. She tells him he always toes the line of mediocrity. That’s awesome! Mediocre Nate. He shows her the key and she asks how he got it and what the key chain looked like. He can’t answer such hard questions. She hands him a picture of the key with its chain and asks who he’s protecting.
Blair find Vanessa outside with her camera. Vanessa tells Blair that there’s no way she’s getting the tape. Vanessa says that Blair has nothing on her and doesn’t want to distribute it and wants to only pay her rent. ChuckSlime finds Vanessa when Blair storms off and holds up a wad of 10grand because money matters to everyone. He says that this money can make a real difference in her life. She takes the money, calls him sick, and hands him the tape out of her camera. How much you wanna bet that that’s not the tape he wants?
Meanwhile, JudgyLily and FatherSlime are having lunch at some fancy restaurant and they’re way too dressy for midday. I guess that’s why I can’t live on the UES. She stares at the people around her who are all old and wearing ugly makeup. And FatherSlime gets a phone call and walks around the restaurant to take the call. She calls RockinRufus and tells him they should try to see who they can be. He says they should go away and she says sure—they should meet at 6 PM on 90th and 5th and she’s terrified. How can they just pack up and leave when they have kids? Is it really that easy? I mean, Eric was suicidal last week and now not only is he gone, but Jenny’s missing now too. No worries, though. Rufus and Lily can run away and live on love to reclaim their rockin lifestyle.
At school, HMQ tells the partiers that someone confessed yesterday but it was a lie. She appreciates self-sacrifice but punishes dishonesty and announces that Nate has been suspended and it will go on his transcript. Gossip Girl voices over that he’s a dead man walking and it’s an eye for a lie. That makes no sense. HMQ says she’ll keep going until each of them have walked out the door. I thought she was going to expel everyone. What kind of time frame do they have on the fess up essay writing? Outside, Dan tells Serena that he can’t get suspended or be expelled and asks her if she knows who it was or why she won’t say anything about it. She says, Because it was me. He’s shocked. I’m not.
Serena says she didn’t tell him because she didn’t want to have him in the position he’s in now and didn’t want him to judge her because her mom already judges her. She says that she dated the swim team captain at the end of freshman year and he gave her a key so they could do it in the pool. Blair knew she had the key and she thought it would be just the girls but then people called people and someone almost drowned. She says that Dan didn’t know her before she went away and if she got expelled no other school in town would take her and she can’t go back to boarding school and be away from him. Here’s a thought—go to, dare I say it, public school. Now THAT would be an awesome turn of events. Then an announcement over the PA says that HMQ wants to see Dan after class.
Blair finds Nate in the yard and he says that his suspension was worth it because he knows how hard she’s worked to get into Yale. She says that the key wasn’t hers and realizes that he confessed because he thought she did it. She says that it’s so romantic. Yeah, romance is getting suspended for the girl you mack it with. He says he loves her. She says that she doesn’t want to be with him. Omigod, that’s so awesome. Now THAT’S romance. I love you; I don’t want to be with you. This can’t get any better.
At Hotel/Home du Judgment, JudgyLily is packing and asks Serena if she got expelled yet. Serena says she’s not sure. JudgyLily says that she can’t help Serena as she tries to pack perfect outfits. Serena asks why she’s packing and Lily says she’s taking a spa weekend. Serena doesn’t understand why she needs to relax after taking a vacation. Then the Phone of Judgment rings and Serena sees that it’s Rufus and Lily won’t answer so Serena catches on that Lily is going away with Rufus. She tells her that she can’t. Lily says she won’t listen to Serena’s preferences. Serena says that Dan is the most important thing in her life and she’s rather be Chuck’s stepsister than Dan’s. Oh, how the vicious circle of incest comes around. Because if Lily and Rufus get married, then Serena would have to wander into the unspoken taboo. Not really, though. It’s not incest if you’re teenagers who’ve been dating and then have your parents marry afterwards. Then Serena goes back to school.
Vanessa shows up at Blair’s house. Vanessa’s jacket is uber shiny but let’s forget about that and talk about Blair’s outfit. She’s wearing this baggy, potato sack tuxedo thing. It’s a dress I think. It’s got a bow tie and a white bib thingie. What the? The high-waist pants I can forgive. But this? Come on! Vanessa gives her the tape because it’s the decent thing to do and says that the tape she gave Chuck was blank. I called that. Then Vanessa tells Blair that having observed her, she thinks Blair and Nate make a good couple and Nate is one of the good guys even if he is boring and mediocre.
HMQ is berating Dan about his dreams being in his grasp but he’s now dating Serena van der Woodsen. He asks, Is that in my file? And HMQ flaps it shut. HIL. AIR. EEE. US. I love Dan. She asks who had the key to the school. He says he doesn’t know. She reminds him that he’s poor and he needs this school. Serena comes in and says she has something to say. Nice timing. Then, in front of Dan, HMQ berates Serena about her record of insubordination. Serena explains that she’s been different since she came back and her grades are higher and she’s barely been absent. Now she’s someone who stays out of trouble except for almost drowning someone in a pool. She says that she’s accepting responsibility and wants whatever HMQ thinks is fair.
Meanwhile, Blair shows up to the café where Vanessa works. She’s still wearing the maternity tuxedo. Blair says she just paid Vanessa’s rent for a year because she doesn’t want to owe anyone anything and now they’re even and Blair can go back to hating Vanessa. Vanessa says that she took Chuck’s money and started a foundation in his name to help teens who have genital herpes. Funny but unlikely.
Serena and Dan finally leave the office, glowing about how all Serena has to do is 25 hours of community service which she would have done anyway because she’s on the committee. Dan’s yeah-ing her a lot so she thinks he thinks that there’s a double standard. Well, he’s poor and was going to be expelled. She’s rich and gets a punishment of “do this thing that you were going to do anyway.” She says that her mom didn’t make any deals and she doesn’t get special treatment. Then her driver shows up to take her home. She tells the driver that she’ll walk. Dan asks him if he’s going to Brooklyn. Nice!
Later on, either in the hotel/home or in one of the many places own by Bass Slime, Father Slime gives a toast to the merging of families while ChuckSlime, JudgyLily, Serena and Eric who now has dark hair again stand by.
Cut to moments ago when Lily showed up at 90th and 5th empty-handed and Rufus asks if she’s packing light. She asks him to understand. He think he does but he’s sorry. So’s she.
Then the Slime family and Judgy family drink their rich champagne as Rufus walks back to Brooklyn. Here’s a question. Why does Lily have to choose either one of them? Why does she have to marry Chuck’s dad? Why can’t she date someone totally new? Or why can’t she be on her own? Be single? Focus on her children maybe. This is so dumb. It’s as if she has no other choice between Rufus and Father Slime. Dumb dumb dumb.
After the toast, ChuckSlime half hugs Serena and calls her sis. She tells him never to call her that again. Chuck wants to bathe with her.
Blair invites Nate over while she’s wearing her maternity tuxedo and tells him that she forgives him. He says that if she truly forgives him, nothing can tear them apart. She says that she loves him too. They mack it.
Father Slime tells Serena that her new step-brother told him about her little problem at school which he didn’t find surprising given her reputation as a rowdy slut whore. He explains that he made a call and it was harder than usual but at least he got her a minimal punishment and tells her not to tell Lily. ChuckSlime says that he was looking out for his family and that the van der Woodsen Bass Library should be open by the time Eric graduates.
Serena jumps up and leaves to get some air. The air she needs is in Brooklyn. Poor air. She finds Rockin Rufus packing up old pictures. He says that he’s going to find something new to write about. Then she squeezes his arm inappropriately. She finds Dan in his room doing homework. Dan’s a lefty. He tells her she’s overdressed for their study date. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Because then he’d know that he was totally right about the double standard. Instead, they read Chaucer together and she spits a pen cap at him. Ah, romance.