Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 14: The Blair Bitch Project

OMFG! What A Difference Spring Break Makes

Highlights: Poverty Stricken Jenny goes klepto,Suicidal Eric goes homo, LowlyDan gets incenstuous, ChuckSlime gets aconscience but Serena screws him over

It’s been sooooooo long. Scroll down to see where we last left the rich kids, the poor kids, and the who’s who of UES’s most private schools.

It’s a rainy day. Blair walks down a dark alley, calling out after a kitty.  Moon River plays.  BoringNate appears in a matching trench coat and calls, You don’t have a cat, Jenny; you don’t have anyone. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Ah, how I’ve missed you Gossip Girl.  You know it’s gonna be a good episode when BoringNate makes me laugh.  Blair can’t understand why he’s calling her Jenny and then?

Blair wakes up.  Her maid is telling her to get out of bed. She’s fallen asleep next to a box of Godiva.  Surprisingly, the box isn’t empty.  I guess she didn’t have a breakdown as bad as the pie-eating binge of last Thanksgiving during her Spring Break.  She tells the maid to cover her mirrors because she’s in mourning for her former life. 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena is adjusting to living in an actual home instead of in a hotel.  The home is the Bass Residence.  Which is also a hotel.  This is kind of like the Brady Bunch with less kids and more expensive stuff. Still, ChuckSlime can’t seem to get out of Serena’s way.  He’s smoking weed and she’s pissed that her bathroom smells of pot.  She says she doesn’t want him in there and he says if she doesn’t want his DNA near her,she’d better steer clear of the hand towels. Hahahhahaaa.  Funny.  Gross, but still, Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Not even ten minutes in and we’re two for two in the laughs department.

Poverty Stricken Jenny has fallen into the in-crowd which means she gets to have brunch before school with the chickadees and Random Girlwho now has a name but I haven’t quite picked up on it yet.  Who has that kind of time in the morning before school starts?  PovertyStricken Jenny owes Random Girl 120 bucks for the meal.  She also returns a bracelet to one of thec hickadees who says that she wouldn’t have even remembered to ask for it back.  Jenny makes a mental note.  They’re excited about Jenny’s birthday the next night at Socialista.  She doesn’t know what she’s going to wear because she’s poor.

Father Slime, Judgy Lily and Suicidal Eric sit down to eat breakfast together because, again, everybody has that kind of free time on a weekday morning.  ChuckSlime hits on his futurestep-mother.  Judgy Lily notes that Serena hasn’t showered and is all stinky dirty.  Serena has to skip breakfast in addition to skipping her shower to meet up with Blair to go to school with her and protect her from all thosenasty rumors that are true.  When Serena leaves, Father Slime asks ChuckSlime to be his best man and the Bass-Van DerWoodsen covenant toasts to themselves, proving that Serena will never truly bepart of the family.  Eric, however, has become ChuckSlime’s new project and has new hair and everything.  Pretty soon, I’m sure Eric will develop a man-crush of the gay kind on ChuckSlime. First Nate, now Eric. ChuckSlime, can you leave no heterosexual male unturned?  They make fun of Serena for being all dirty.  Then Chuck woos Eric by taking him to school in their limo.

In the poor part of the city, LowlyBoyDan and Rockin Rufus have some breakfast together.  Rufus says something about letting Jenny go to Aspen on a pre-paid trip with her new friends and brunch and blah blah blah. All it translates into is: Rufus let Jenny go to Aspen to somehow spite Allison, not because he loves his daughter and wants her to have a good time.  Then he tells Dan to go to school. Dan runs out because he can’t be late because he’s poor.

Blair begrudgingly heads to school in sunglasses and a headwrap, highly noticeable and definitely not incognito.  Serena swears that no one will remember those nasty rumors that are true about Blair.  After all,they’ve all been on Spring Break.  Three weeks makes a huge difference.  The Asian chickadee has moved away.  Eric dyed his hair.  Mention of Brody Jenner.  No one cares who boned Blair.  The new talk of the town is how Serena and Chuck now live under one roof. Serena’s always stealing the spotlight. She gets Blair to remove the scarf and sunglasses. However, Blair hangs onto the odd weight-lifting gloves she’s got on.

When they arrive at school, there are some whispers.  However, Jenny’s in-crowd is eating frozen yogurt up above.  Blair and Serena walkup the school steps.  Blair gets nailed in the hair with yogurt.  Everyone laughs and points and laughs some more. Blair clamps down on her head as if she’s bleeding out and Serena rushes her inside.  The girls up top cackle.

Boring Nate pulls Jenny aside to warn her about her new friends.  He says that they treat Blair that way and they used to be really tight. Jenny says she can take care of herself.  Nate tells her to be careful but also says she has good aim.  I fall into a coma because this is the most boring conversation ever.

ChuckSlime and Eric get to school and Blair calls Eric a mini-Chuck.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Is anyone going to go to class today?  Serena tells Blair that Serena was invited to Jenny’s birthday bash but said no because she’s friends with Blair.  Serena then tells Blair that if she’s nice, she’ll rise again in the social ranks. Blair tells Serena that her hair is dirty. Heheheeee.

Jenny is sitting on the steps with the chickadees and they all talk about how Hazel and/or Penelope and/or Random Girl has a crush on BoringNate.  They wonder if Jenny can make something happen.  The chickadees decide to go to Butter for dinner. Jenny has visions of zeros dance in her head.  She tells the girls to hang on and goes over to Blair to invite her to dinner.  Serena says that Blair would love to go.  Actually, Serena claps and says, “Yes, Butter!”

ChuckSlime interrupts LowlyDan and Slutty Serena’s make out session and Serena tells him to leave. That was a quick school day. Chuck’s there to inform them that the tasting for the wedding is happening.  And he’s wearing a bowtie.  Dan gets up to leave but Chuck said that he had the servants set a place for him.  So ChuckSlime is being less slimy.  Odd.  Awkward.  Dan doesn’t have the urge to deck ChuckSlime again for attempting to rape Jenny because a place setting pretty much evens out any rapy tendencies directed towards Dan’s younger sibling.

During the tasting, Serena tells Dan how to pronounce all the gourmet foods that Dan would never be able to afford because his taste buds are also poverty stricken.  Then a package arrives for Serena.  Judgy Lily tells her not to put her dirty package on the table and ChuckSlime says, “If Ihad a dime for every time I heard that.” OMG.  Too friggin funny!  She opens it—porn!  Lots of porn!  She yells at ChuckSlime for sending her porn and then runs out.  Dan is left with the box o’ porn and says he’ll take care of it.  Then he backpedals and says, no he doesn’t like porn.  Then he decides to throw it out and go after Serena who has been traumatized by the porn.

Later on, Blair appears at Butter.  No one else in her party has shown up. The host asks if she’ll be leaving.  Cut to shady Jenny at one ofthe rich chickadee’s houses.  RandomGirl says the only thing better than dining at Butter is NOT dining at Butter.  They eat and talk more about the dresses for Jenny’s birthday.  Jenny gets a call from Rockin Rufus who is upset because he hasn’t seen her in like forever and needs her to come home soon so he can blame all their family problems on her again for her birthday. Jenny says she’s going to celebrate with her friends and hangs up on him when she stumbles upon the rich girl’s mom’s closet.  Enter KleptoJenny and the Pawn Shop Project.

Instead of leaving Butter, Blair orders only one entree and no pie, and asks that someone separate the tables since she’ll be diningalone.  She calls information and asks for Brooklyn which she thinks is in New York. Hahahhahahahhaaaaaa!  Big ups to Brooklyn, Blair style.

KleptoJenny arrives at a pawn shop.  The lady asks if she wants her sewing  machine back.  KleptoJenny says she wants a dress that’s 1200 bucks and hands over the stolen red dress.

The next day, Eric, ChuckSlime, and FatherSlime are talking about the impending bachelor party. FatherSlime tells Eric to leave while he talks to ChuckSlime.  Father tells Chuck he needs to behave better and not to ruin things between him and Judgy Lily. Basically, he bribes him by saying he’ll invest more in ChuckSlime’s club if Chuck is civil until the wedding.  He’d thought that asking him to be the best man would be bribe enough, but now he’s upping the ante with cold hard investment.

Blair calls Serena to tell her she’s not going to school.  She says she didn’t go to Butter the night before and asks if Dan is going to school.  Serena says he’s going to be there soon. Blair is full of wrath and revenge, but still has not filled up on pie.  She takes a trip to the Poor Art Gallery and reintroduces herself to Rockin Rufus who doesn’t think twice about a young girl his son’s age not being in school on a school day.  He must realize that she’s rich and privileged and needs not follow the rules meant for the poor.

Out of nowhere, a deliver guy “luckily” finds Serena standing on the steps of her HIGH SCHOOL and hands over three cases of champagne.  I know that it’s his job to deliver, but alcohol to a high school student?  I think there might be laws against that. Serena blames ChuckSlime for sending the booze to her in public because now everyone is going to think she’s a drunkard in addition to being the world’s biggest slut.  He says it wasn’t him. It’s definitely not Chuck’s style.

Later on during break because no one actually goes to class when they go to school, KleptoJenny wants to show the girls the dress she just bought but does not say she got it at the pawn shop. One of the chickadees is telling the others about how her parents had to fire their maid for stealing.  What did she steal?  A one-of-a-kind custom-made designer gown.  Because a maid has lots of cocktail parties for which she needs a dress like that.  KleptoJenny is racked with guilt but says nothing.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair is telling Rufus that Jenny is overwhelmed with her new friends.  Blair wants to help make Jenny’s birthday fabulous.

KleptoJenny continues with the Pawn Shop Project to get the dress back and somehow get the maid’s job back without being caught.  She can’t get the dress, however, because the pawn shop had the dress re-evaluated by a dress expert and the dress is worth way more than Jenny’s worth. Klepto gets all frantic.  She does what any girl would do in this situation. She calls up the cutest most nicest boy she knows so she can borrow money.  She asks BoringNate for 8 grand.  Eight.  8,000. KleptoJenny decides it’s a good idea to steal back the dress since she can’t afford to buy it back. So while it seems like it’s the second time she’s stealing the dress,really it doesn’t count this time because it wasn’t hers to pawn in the first place. This is simply a continuance ofthe first theft.

Meanwhile at the hotel house, Serena bemoans her future sibling-relationship with ChuckSlime. She tells JudgyLily about the champagne delivery and how mortifying it was.  Judgy Lily blames Serena and doubts ChuckSlime is diabolical. FatherSlime overhears all this, knowing his son is indeed diabolical and maybe a little bit rapy, and is not a happy camper because this is exactly the kind of behavior he was telling Chuck not to conduct as part of the bribe.

KleptoJenny arrives home to the hoots and hollers of the rich chickadees, Blair, Rufus, and her own face on a cake.  Now I’m not a poverty stricken girl trying to fit into a rich man’s world, but even I find that painfully embarrassing.  KleptoJenny hugs her trench coat tightly around her and runs inside to change. Trench coat must be a theme this episode.  Anyway, she looks like a flasher because she holds it closed tightly at the top so no one sees what Pawn Shop Project clothing she has on today.  The chickadees wonder why Blair is there to begin with and concur that this indeed is the lamest birthday party ever.  The balloons and streamers are kinda pathetic.  KleptoJenny is obviously ashamed of her poor house. One of the chickadees thinks Rufus is hot.  Bow chicka bow wow!

Serena and Dan are on a date outside in the cold.  They’re always sitting in the cold.  Dan is talking about his grandma and a sponge bath.  Boring Nate shows up and talks like a robot.  He tells Dan about how Jenny wanted to borrow lots of money and now they’re both concerned.

KleptoJenny gets caught in the dress in two ways.  First, Rufus comes into the room after Jenny said she was going to go change so he’s obviously being pervy.  She can’t get the zipper undone.  So she’s caught in it. Then the girls come in and see her in the dress. Again, she’s been caught in it.  Get it? She tells them that this is the dress that she bought at a discount shop.  They point out that it’s themom’s one-of-a-kind dress.  KleptoJenny suggests that chickadee’s mom probably gave it away and forgot about it.  Rockin Rufus asks if they’re calling his daughter a thief. Blair tells them all that it’s a private matter so she’s going to Butter where she made reservations for an after-party.

All the girls leave and Rockin Rufus explains that Blair told him the original party fell through and that Blair wanted to help Jennyout.  KleptoJenny tells him he washad.  He asks how she got the dress and says that he knows she didn’t make it because her sewing machine is gone.  She whines about how she had to sell all her stuff and she asks if he thinks she’s ashamed of where she comes from.  He says he’s not apologizing for not buying her a private jet.  She says that she has no choice but to eat her lunch in the bathroom out of a brown paper bag.

Serena tells Boring Nate that he’s a very forgiving guy.  I have no idea why he’s still hanging out on the date with Serena. Eric arrives and says that he was at therapy and then was playing basketball.  Serena is upset that he’s hanging out with ChuckSlime and Eric explains that he’s always wanted a brother and ChuckSlime is the only person who doesn’t treat him like he’s going to kill himself.  Eric gives Serena a letter laced with drugs. She says that ChuckSlime is using Eric as a drug mule.

LowlyDan arrives home and asks Rufus who turned 12.  Hahhahahhaaaaaa.  He asks Rockin Rufus what happened and then decides to have a heart-to-heart with his sister.  He tells her that she’s so much better than those chickadees.  He grabs her shoulder and squeezes.  What the? That’s uncomfortable.  Then he tells her that she has so much to offer. Second shoulder squeeze.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Incest is best for the poverty stricken.  Hey, speaking ofpoverty—where the heck is Vanessa? She’s the poorest of the poor.  Anyway,Dan continues to hit on his sister. He invites her out for ice cream (which he will undoubtedly lace with Love Potion#9) to celebrate her birthday.

SluttySerena goes to yell at Chuck.  ChuckSlime tells Serena she’s gotten her wish.  He’s all packed up.  He needs to move back to his suite because his dad thinks he hasn’t been making nice with the Van Der Woodsens before the wedding.  He’s pissed off because he’s actually been being good which goes against everything he stands for.  ChuckSlime can never catch a break.  Poor rapist Chuck.

At Butter, the same host from the other day asks Blair if her party is going to show.  She insiststhat they’re coming.  Then who should  appear?  All the chickadees sans KleptoJenny.  Once again, all is right with the world.

Rockin Rufus tells LowlyDan that he doesn’t want KleptoJenny leaving the house ever again.  He says that Spring Break is over for everyone forever.  He suggests they celebrate Jenny’s birthday with the cake with her face on it.  LowlyDan goes to get Jenny and she’s snuck out of her room. Good call, Klepto.  After all,your brother was hitting on you.

KleptoJenny arrives at Boring Nate’s place and rejects a call from her dad on her cell. She doesn’t want to be alone on her birthday and apologizes to Nate about asking him for money.

Serena arrives for dinner and Eric won’t talk to her.  She recieves a letter.  Judgy Lily asks her what’s wrong and she says nothing but leaves.

At Butter, Blair can’t get the server’s attention so she goes to the bar to get a drink. KleptoJenny and Boring Nate show up at the table.  They sit. The chickadees decide that Jenny was right—the chickadee’s mom probably did give away that dress. Ah, the power of a pretty boy at a table of gaga girls.

Serena shows up at ChuckSlime’s door.  She apologizes for accusing him of all the pranks.  She hands him the letter she got and he reads a confession about all the stuff that Serena got. It’s from G.  He brings Serena inside to make her a drink.  And maybe to rape her.

2 thoughts on “Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 14: The Blair Bitch Project

  1. whataboutjohnlee says:

    glad to see the blog synopsis’ are back!  as for the adverb and i, we’re pretty much a week behind on episodes since baby girl keeps us pretty busy on most nights.cakes with photos on it, must be available on every brooklyn corner store :)what’s up with other random girl who doesn’t talk and looks like she’s 12y/o?


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