Even Rich Kids Take The SAT’s (Kinda)

Highlights: Vanessa and Nate vie for the affections of Dan, Dan worries too much, Georgina is the new old slut in town, Serena breaks down, Jenny finds a dog

Who’s G?  Georgina.  She’s coming back to town after sending all that stuff to Slutty Serena.  Yeah, I was confused about that, too.  But Gossip Girl doesn’t care about that right now.  Right now, we’re all studying for the S. A. T.’s.  Serena self-medicates with tea.  The chickadees lick things.  ChuckSlime hires some black dude to become Chuck Bass to take the test for him.  Lowly Dan rips out his hair until Rockin Rufus busts in on him to stop him from exeeding the time limit.  A boring conversation about baseball ensues.  Thankfully, KleptoJenny needs to be escorted to school by Rufus because she’s a major fuckup.  He says it’s not punishment and wants to spend time with her either on a walk or over lasagna. 

Blair and Serena are taking electronic S. A. T.’s and Blair wants to go to Yale by kicking Nelly Yuki’s ass.  ChuckSlime arrives when Blair leaves and Serena says they need to work out their issues.  He’s found out that Georgina Sparks is dating some prince in Switzerland and Serena is relieved.  ChuckSlime wants to sleep with Serena still.  She wants to study instead.

The chickadees tell KleptoJenny that she’s lucky she’s a freshman because she doesn’t have to take the dumb test.  She suggests they go over to her house for her dad’s lasagna.  Blair interupts to invite them to her place for private tutors and massages.  The girls say yes to Blair and Blair tells Jenny it’s for big girls only.  They leave Jenny all alone.

Boring Nate and Dan have an odd conversation until Serena pounces on Dan and kiss rapes him.  They mack it more and giggle and kiss and they are so lovey dovey.  When Dan leaves, Georgina appears.  Apparently, she’s not in Switzerland.  She wants to catch up.  Serena isn’t happy about the packages Georgina sent and Georgina threatens her to either have drinks with her or get her reputation smeared even more.

Later on, KleptoJenny buys a hot dog on the street to meet a girl who might be a chickadee but I have no idea who she is.  Jenny wants to have a boyfriend so she can one-up Blair.  They check out guys on the street and a dog walker runs into Jenny with his dogs.  They dogs eat Jenny’s hot dog and the guy gives her his last dollar.  She doesn’t want his crappy dollar bill so he gives her his number.  The girl says that the boy is gorgeous and Jenny says that he’s a dog walker, not a king.  Because KleptoJenny is a rich girl now that she knows how to get a five finger discount from the pawn shop.

Oooh!  Poverty stricken Vanessa is back!  Boring Nate finds her in the coffee shop where she’s editing her cinematic masterpiece that has a snippet of the boy toy himself.  Dan comes over and asks why Nate is there.  BoringNate gives Dan his books about the S. A. T.s because Nate already took the test and doesn’t need them.  Vanessa is upset because she wants to have sex with Dan just as much as Nate does so now she’s vying for affection by tutoring him.  She gets even more upsets and resorts to making fun of Nate’s blank look on his face when Dan accepts the books because Dan can’t turn down free stuff being that he’s a charity case.  He tells Nate to ignore Vanessa because he likes it when people fight over him.  Boring Nate leaves and Vanessa silently smolders until she finds some loose leaf papers in one of the books.

Later on, Georgina and Serna are at a bar where two guys have bought them drinks.  Georgina insists that the gifts were funny and Serena says she’s changed and isn’t the old Serena.  Georgina promises not to get out of control and they can’t hang out like old times.  Serena says only one drink.  That means she’s getting trashed.

Random Girl (Penelope?), Hazel, and black girl arrive at Blair’s and none of the tutors are there.  Blair shows them Nelly Yuki on her web page, listing all of Nelly’s academic assets.  She wants to find Nelly’s weakness and annihilate her so Nelly can’t impede them from getting into their colleges of choice.  Then she calls Hazel dumb.

Meanwhile, Serena and Georgina are drunkenly reminiscing.  The guys who bought drinks for them come over to buy them more drinks.  Georgina pretends to be Greek and Serena is Southern.  Serena answers Georgina’s phone and hears a dealer at the other end.  Serena is upset about the druglord and calls ChuckSlime for solace and advice.  Let me say that again.  She calls ChuckSlime—the boy who tried to rape her in a kitchen after making her a grilled cheese sandwich with truffle oil—for solace and advice.  She was supposed to meet Dan to study and said she would be late but not this late. She doesn’t want Dan to know Georgina exists because no one, not even Chuck, likes her.  He makes Serena say his name and say that she needs him before he’ll help.  But the bottom line is, he’s going to help her.  Where is this good ChuckSlime coming from? 

Dan’s phone rings and he thinks it’s Serena but it’s ChuckSlime.  He says that Serena has food poisoning.  Dan doesn’t believe him.  ChuckSlime says she’s not coming and not to call because she’s barfing in the bathroom where there’s no reception. 

LowlyDan arrives at school the next day and huffs on up to ChuckSlime.  What’s with ChuckSlime’s coat?  It’s very very VERY bright red-orange.  What?  His signature scarf wasn’t enough?  Dan tells him that he’s ruining his relationship with Serena.  She shows up and says her migraine is gone.  Dan thought it was food poisoning.  She said it came after.  She said that ChuckSlime helped her out.  Dan asks her more questions about her food poisoning and he goes to class when the bell rings because he’s poor and has to.  She laments to Chuck that this is why she didn’t want Georgina coming back .  ChuckSlime suggests she tell Dan about Georgina.  She just can’t.  In all of this, Chuck makes the most sense.  Is it odd that I’m slowly finding myself completely attracted to the Slime?

Penelope and Hazel find Nelly to try to befriend her.  Nelly doesn’t like them at all and doesn’t want them to talk to her.  She’s also upset because her boyfriend broke up with her at a FloRider concert while they were waving their hands in the air.

KleptoJenny and the nameless girl walk along in the rain with big bright umbrellas.  How many people reside in NYC that they just so happen to run into the dog walker again?  Only this time, it’s at a far, and the girl points out that he’s probably the owner of the dogs and not the hired walker.  They wave and Jenny goes up to him because she’s a gold digger yo.

Blair pops on FloRider on her cell and walks by Nelly.  Nelly breaks down and tells Blair that the song reminds her of her ex.  Blair asks what his name was—Brad? Bill?  Nelly says Todd.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  Blair invites Nelly over to cry.  Nelly, for all the book smarts she has, is a dope and trusts Blair.

Boring Nate arrives at a Greek restaurant to meet up with Vanessa.  He knows the waitress and Vanessa is all like, Yeah right you slum it to Brooklyn for food.  He explains, well Vanessa my father is in rehab here.  Really?  Really.  Captain Fantastic is in rehab in Brooklyn?  Not at the Ostroff Center where Eric was when he tried to off himself?  That seems more likely a place for the Captain to go than to Brooklyn.  Okay, though, we have to accept it so that Nate and Vanessa can bond over something other than wanting to bed Dan.

Vanessa apologizes and he says that it’s not a secret.  It was in the newspapers.  Nate goes to the Greek place to think about his parents after visiting his dad in rehab.  Vanessa confesses that she read one of his practice essays he accidentally left in one of the books he gave Dan.  It don’t think it was an accident; he obviously left it there for Dan to find so Dan would console him and sleep with him.  Vanessa called Nate to apologize for being mean to him when she judged the cover (pretty blank stare).  They giggle. 

Serena gets a call from Georgina who does not want to go back to Switzerland before making things up to Serena.  Georgina finds Serena’s changing from slutty to not-so-slutty inspiring.  Serena says it’s possible to change.  Georgina thinks there’s hope for her. Serena wants to study for the S. A. T.’s the next day but Georgina wants to take her out for dinner where all they’ll drink is water.  Serena decides she’ll give her an hour.  Serena is a big idiot.

Over in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Lowly Dan has a hard time studying because he had a fight with Serena.  Rockin Rufus arrives home and KleptoJenny shows him all the progress she’s made in her school work.  He considers that plus the returning of the dress and her volunteer work all steps in the right direction.  So Klepto gets points for returning something she stole.  And when did she volunteer?  I think Jenny has extra time that no one else has.  She does volunteer work and reads library books that she always has to return right before they’re due.  Rufus gives her a sewing machine but does not say she’s no longer grounded.  Dan is happy that Jenny can sew his zippers because they’re all poor and zippers are expensive AND if she sews his zippers, maybe she’ll think about his crotch and what’s in his pants since he enjoys hitting on his sister.

KleptoJenny tells Rufus that she met a boy in the park.  They’re supposed to have lunch.  Rufus says that even if she weren’t grounded, she couldn’t go.  She’s not old enough to date.  The boy goes to Unity.  Rufus thinks Jenny wanted to get away from that crowd.  Jenny storms out.

Blair has all the girls over for drinks and massages.  Nelly is getting a massage but wants to go home to study.  Before that happens, Todd her ex arrives.  He apologizes to Nelly and wants to talk about how things between them ended.  Nelly thanks Blair and they go into the other room.  Blair points out that mental acuity and common sense do not come in the same package.  So true.

Later on, Boring Nate and Vanessa are talking about lesbians.  Vanessa wants to study because college is optional and she wants to have Dan’s baby.  Nate wants her parents to adopt him because they don’t believe in college.  They arrive at some doorway where Vanessa doesn’t live but her laptop does.  She invites him in anyway and he macks it with her.  Oooh, Nate’s slummin it big time!  So really, their attraction for Dan has morphed into an attraction to each other.

Serena and Georgina are drinking diet Coke over dinner.  Georgina wants to know all about the poor boy Serena’s dating because he has an odd zip code.  Serena likes the way Dan makes her feel because she feels better about herself seeing how poor he is.  Georgina thinks it’s incredible and tells Serena it would take a lot for her old self to come back.  Serena goes to call him to wish him luck.  While she does so, Georgina rufees Serena’s drink.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Georgina toasts to the new Serena.  Serena?  Still a big idiot.

The next day, Serena awakes all disoriented when she’s supposed to be at Hunter College where they’re not going to let her in if she’s late. Georgina wants to make her eggs and tells her she was drinking Patron.  She pretends that she saved Serena last night and that Serena was going to go home with a guy who has an ironic mustache.  Serena calls ChuckSlime SuperMan, directing him to keep the doors open at Hunter for her to take the test.

Again, how many people reside in all five boroughs of NYC?  Boring Nate and Vanessa bump into each other.  He wants her to jump into his car and it’s a one time offer.  She hesitates but who can resist that boring look?

Rufus and Jenny eat breakfast in silence in the poor Brooklyn loft.  She wants to be excused and Rufus demands that she speak to him.  Klepto tells him that she learned her lesson and the boy she met likes animals so she should be able to go to lunch.  Rufus can’t believe she didn’t cancel the date so he makes her stay home to prove that he will not be swayed.

BoringNate has taken Vanessa to the S. A. T.’s!  What a great date!  He thinks that she’s studied enough to tutor Dan so she knows enough to do really well,  He doesn’t want her to be poor the rest of her life.

Nelly arrives all distraught and the Chickadees feign distress and sympathy.  She’s all crying and Blair wishes her good luck on the test.  For insurance, Blair took the batteries out of Nelly’s calculator.  Also, Blair tells Isabel (the black girl) that she now has to sleep with Nelly’s ex.  Isabel declines.

Blair finds Dan and asks where Serena is.  They plan to save a seat for her.  Dan keeps calling Serena.  While that happens, some red head shows up and says she’s Serena Van Der Woodsen.  Dan is floored.  He thought Serena had blonde hair.

After the test, Dan tells Blair that he finished but was distracted.  Blair calls Serena and leaves a message that she’s worried.  Dan sees Boring Nate congratualting Vanessa and Blair is distraught because he used to be boring for her and only her.

Lowly Dan arrives at Serena’s and she won’t tell him what’s going on.  ChuckSlime says that Serena was with him and Serena says was sick.  Dan can’t believe that she paid someone to take the test and Serena asks Chuck what he did.  Chuck says he was trying to help by thinking on his feet.  Dan says he’s not mad but he’s worried and he wants to understand what’s going on.  Serena wants to talk tomorrow because she needs to think of how to explain things in poor-man’s terms.  She says she’s sorry and he says he’s sorry and then Chuck closes the door.

Serena tells ChuckSlime he went too far.  He says she did too and he can’t even fathom what Georgina has on her because it must be pretty bad that she can’t tell anyone.

Georgina is packing up for Switzerland.  Serena arrives and tells her never to contact her again.  Serena says it wasn’t fun missing her test or lying to LowlyDan.  Serena claims to make bad decisions when she’s near Georgina.  Georgina tells Serena that last year, Serena was not an innocent bystander.  Serena is talking about last night, not last year.  Serena forbids her from ever talking about what happened last year.  Georgina says she doesn’t want anyone in her life who doesn’t want to be there so Serena plans to never talk to her again.

Over in the poor boroughs, Asher, the guy with the dogs, shows up.  He introduces himself to Rufus and has brought hot dogs to KleptoJenny since she couldn’t meet him in the park and steal some from the vendor.  Asher wishes that more of his friends’ parents grounded them when they messed up because kids these days grow up without consequences dammit.  Rufus allows Asher to stay because he cannot turn down free food.

Meanwhile, Dan is at the park and Georgie the dog disturbs Dan.  The dog belongs to Georgina.  He rambles on about a cat and his grandmother.  She introduces herself as Sarah.  He’s Dan and it’s nice to meet her. 

And so the fairy tale love affair of the star crossed lovers is quickly coming to a close.  Next week?  Eric goes gay.  At least I think it’s Eric.  I mean, he’s the only one still in the closet.  Nate and Chuck have already had their openly gay relationship go sour and then there’s Dan who’ll be anyone’s boy toy for a dollar.  So it’s gotta be Eric.  Unless it’s one of the girls?  Nah, too not-UES.