A Gay Epidemic On The Upper East Side
Highlights: Eric’s gay–that happens halfway through the episode but really, who didn’t know that already? He’s as gay as Nate. Anyway, back to the highlights: Georgina’s still Sarah, KleptoJenny breaks up with her dad and clings on to her gay boyfriend, Dan gets jealous when he thinks someone else took Jenny’s virginity before he had the chance, Lily judges her son
Everyone loves a cliffhanger. The rich kids left us with lots of unanswered questions: Who’s coming out of the closet? (Obviously, Eric, as if he needs to come out). What exactly did SluttySerena do that SluttyGeorgina knows about that’s gonna be all over the internet? It can’t be that bad—we already know she slept with her best friend’s boyfriend and she was caught buying a pregnancy test which wasn’t for herself. Why is ChuckSlime being so, you know, human? Will Rufus eat the free hot dogs of KleptoJenny’s new beau? (again, obviously yes because he’s poor). Why does SluttyGeorgina call herself Sarah and will LowlyDan figure out she’s really Georgina and where the heck did that dog come from? Let’s find out!
Wow, all the bright spring colors are back in the form of coats and tights and shoes. Blair and KleptoJenny still have their claws out in a power struggle. Blair doesn’t get invited to a party that KleptoJenny does. Jenny says the party planner is calling her.
Rockin Rufus is on the other end instead, asking KleptoJenny if she can have a dinner date with him because he’s lonely. She totally blows him off and tells the girls that the lacrosse team is coming to the party. Then the Rich Dog Walker shows up and they cuddle.
Meanwhile, SluttySerena and Suicidal Eric talk about the rumors on Gossip Girl that Eric reads on his phone. Eric reads Gossip Girl, just like all the other gay boys and boys who hit on their sisters (ahem, Dan.)
Now Sarah/Georgina is makin friends with Long Lost Vanessa. Apparently, she and Dan have taken Sarah/Georgina in because she’s new to the city and the subway. SarahG tells Dan that Jenny’s obsession with the Dog Walker is perfectly natural and casually asks him about his girlfriend, what was her name again, oh that’s right Serena. He says they’re okay and she says she wants to meet her. LowlyDan gives one of his rambling moronic answers before saying that they can all meet up tonight.
Back at school, Suicidal Eric asks KleptoJenny where she’s been because she doesn’t return his calls. She says that her new boyfriend keeps her busy along with her newfound glory as career criminal. He asks her how long she’s known the Dog Walker and she thinks it’s sweet that he’s being protective. First, Eric says he’s not being protective, but then he says he is. Okay, so this is where the situation must be headed: Eric is gay and Dog Walker is/was/wants to be Eric’s gay lover because they bonded at the Ostroff Center when they both failed to commit suicide because they both felt so alone in the world being the only two gay guys on the planet, or in the UES, as if it makes a difference. Jenny asks Eric if he has a crush on her and she says she’s flattered but her heart wants the Dog Walker. Oh, little J, you have no clue.
Lowly Dan runs after Slutty Serena who complains about studying for the S. A. T.’s. She refuses to use the score ChuckSlime bought for her. He asks Serena if she can have dinner with SarahG tonight but Serena already agreed to have family dinner. LowlyDan complains about KleptoJenny’s new boyfriend because Dan wants to have his sister all to himself and Serena tells Dan to give the Dog Walker a chance. SarahG gets a text that plans for dinner have fallen through.
Then LowlyDan emerges from the building and then stops short and backs up. Gay kissing on the street! Gay kissing on the street! This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. It’s in the middle of the day and two guys from the prep school are fondling each other’s ties and then one looks around to see if anyone is looking IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and then hunches over and kisses whoever the other guy is. Then he looks around again ON THE BUSY STREET, feels as if he’s in the clear, and walks away all stealthily. Dan comes back out and the other guy has vanished. However, I think Dan saw who it was and we’re just being strung along to think of who it could be (Eric/Dog Walker/NATE).
JudgyLily is busy planning a wedding and tells the planner seat Eliot Spitzer as far from Serena’s table as possible. I wonder if that’s to keep the leacherous Spitzer away from Serena or to keep Slutty Serena away from Spitzer. Hey, maybe THAT’S what’s on the video Georgina has of Serena. Rockin Rufus shows up looking slightly disheveled. Lily asks, What are you doing here? Really, she does. As in, What are you doing here? How did you afford to get to this side of town? Do they let people like you into the UES? Really? Rufus says he was looking for her, and she tries to blow him off because she’s busy planning her wedding. He stops her, asking for a mother’s advice since Allison is a big bitch ho-bag away on an artist retreat.
Meanwhile, LowlyDan finds DogWalker to say, hey man you’re gay. Dog Walker denies it and asks, Are you calling me queer? Dan answers, Yes. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! Dog Walker says that he’s so queer that he’s gonna pop Dan’s sister’s cherry tonight. Nice goin, Dan. You saved your sister from rapy ChuckSlime at the beginning of the season only to cause her to be raped by some rich Dog Walker anyway. They scuffle and Klepto runs out to break it up. Dan wants to talk to Jenny alone (meaning make out with her) and she says he can say anything in front of her boyfriend. So Dan’s like, Oh really well then…but Dog Walker jumps in and invites Jenny to his country house. Jenny wants Dan to want her to be happy. Dan wants to get in his sister’s pants. Jenny calls her boyfriend a legacy and even Dan should know that jealousy clashes with L. L. Bean pants.
Blair wants to have girls night out with Serena but she has dinner with the family. Dan arrives on the steps to tell them he’s worried about Jenny because of who she’s with AND she dissed his pants. Blair agrees with Jenny on the pants and says girls like her care only about the four G’s: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl. What about giggling? Goggles? Gum drops? Georgina—ooh, that’s a tricky one because it starts with a G but sounds like a J. Anyway, they tell him not to worry. He says nothing of the gay kissing to change their minds. With all the rambling he does, he stops at a weird time.
RockinRufus is bemoaning the trials of his little girl growing up to JudgyLily. He read Jenny’s email. JudgyLily said that she needed Botox because of Serena’s indiscretions which were X-Rated. She tells Rufus that Jenny will come back to him. Rufus puts a bracelet on Lily. It’s the closest he’ll get to real jewels ever.
Over at the rich school, the girls read up on Jenny’s homosexual boyfriend. They’re all happy that Gossip Girl got her balls back. Jenny accuses Blair of the false story and Blair says she wishes it were her but she didn’t do it.
SluttySerena gets a call from the concierge desk about a package for her from Georgina. Serena gets that look on her face that says she just shit her pants. She totally blows Dan off in time for Blair to call him dirty. She asks him how he came up with telling Gossip Girl that Jenny’s boyfriend is gay. She says that if he can prove that Dog Walker is gay, then Blair can prove that Gossip Girl is reliable, and then Jenny will break up with him and everyone will be happy. He doesn’t want to hurt his sister. Um, then why did he contact GG in the first place? Telling the whole world that her boyfriend is gay isn’t hurting her? And how gay is it that Dan told GG? Seriously. He tells Blair he wants no part of it even if Dog Walker is using Jenny as a cover.
Now Rufus is helping Lily buy her wedding dress. That’s not exactly right. She takes his breath away. They both ache so much. Ah, the world is so cruel! A love like theirs could never work! Alas alas alas. Moving on.
Back at school, the chickadees are still roaming the halls because no one ever goes to class. I hope their S. A. T.’s last week were about how to text your friends because they don’t learn anything. SluttySerena runs into KleptoJenny and says she’s in a rush. Penelope says that Serena is totally rushing to get into Dan’s pants. Jenny can’t believe she said that about her brother and the chickadees ask Jenny how far she’s gone with the Gay Dog Walker. Then she says something no 14/15-year-old should ever say. The girls suggest he’s gay and she asks, Is that why we went to third? They ask, You went to third? She says, No, he did. Then they say, way to go—make him work for it. Ewwww. That’s a discussion I didn’t have until I was, like 25.
The less popular chickadees Isabel and the new chick Nelly Yuki are over at Blair’s place, planning to take Gay Dog Walker down. They forward a mass email to people to destroy his rep.
Jenny arrives at Dog Walker’s place and he’s surprised to see her. She immediately starts to make out with him hard core and he stops her saying that that’s not what they do. He asks if she’s unhappy. He calls her “Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn” and that means she’s poor and he’s her boyfriend to give her access to all the things she can’t get. She asks what she does for him and he doesn’t want to talk about it because he really is gay and she’s the only person in the world who doesn’t think it’s true. He asks if she really thinks someone like him would date someone like her if he didn’t need to seem straight. He says that their relationship works because she’s throwing a big party with him on the UES and no one can take that away from them. Then he wants to put the rumors to rest even though they’re true.
Serena gets home and finds a video file from Georgina. She loads it onto her computer and sees Georgina telling some guy named Shepherd that Serena will go down on anyone. Then Serena on the video says she’s too hot and proceeds to go down on the guy. At least that’s what the audio says. She tries to run out but Lily stops her, saying that Serena needs to stay for dinner if Serena invited an old friend. Up pops Georgina. Okay, now this is getting so good. I can’t wait for Eric to come out of the closet at dinner. Then this episode will be perfect.
In the poor part of town, Jenny holds up various stolen dresses in front of her in the mirror when LowlyDan storms in holding up his phone that shows Gossip Girl’s latest—KleptoJenny swiped her V-card at Dog Walker’s register. Dan wants to know if it’s true—did Jenny use a Visa Card? Oh, wait, ohhhhhh! I get it. Virginity. Gotcha. She tells Dan it’s private and asks since when Dan started reading Gossip Girl. Since he’s been gay, obviously. He asks if she wants her friends thinking she slept with Dog Walker even if it’s not true as she says it’s not. He asks if he believes everything on Gossip Girl and he says that he didn’t read it; he saw it and tried to tell her. She says she knew the whole time and let him use her. She tells Dan not to judge people because the minute he sent tips to GG, he became one of them. Oh, my God, how much do I love Jenny, kleptomania and all.
Serena tries to get in touch with Blair but Blair’s too busy. Ha ha. That’s what happens when you don’t make time for your friends, Serena; they don’t make time for you either. Why doesn’t she just get Superman ChuckSlime to bail her out once again.
At the dinner table, Georgina tries to get Eric to out himself but Lily interupts, asking Georgina why she’s back in NYC. Georgina tells Lily that she has a nice ring and thinks there’s love in the New York air: Lily’s engaged, Serena found a great guy, Eric found himself a new boyfriend. OMG! HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! She really DOES out him. Eric’s all, Excuse me? Lily thinks she heard it wrong. Georgina says that she thought everyone knew since Eric was blatantly mackin it with the Dog Walker that morning. Ohh, that guy who was looking around and walking away all stealthily WAS the Dog Walker. Proves how much I pay attention to what these people actually look like. So as I said before, Suicidal Eric and The Dog Walker—both GAY. Georgina apologizes because she thought Eric was dating a boy. Lily says it doesn’t make sense because if Eric dates a boy, then Eric is gay, and he’s just not. Then she asks, Are you? He throws down his fork and runs away, no doubt plotting his next suicide attempt. Serena offers a lame, Eric!, and then admonishes Lily for driving him to his second suicide attempt in the past year.
In Brooklyn, KleptoJenny tries to leave for the big party and tells Rufus she’s going to choir practice. Rufus, being the keen Mr. Mom he is, says that unless her choir is entertaining for the Dog Walker’s party, she has lots of explaining to do. She asks how he knew and he opens his shirt. What the? Oh. He pulls open HER bag with the dress in it and says that he should have asked his permission. She insists that she’s throwing the party. He threatens that if she walks out that door….but he can’t do anything really. She says she’s not a little girl and he can’t make her do anything. But THEN he says, You’ve already lost my trust; do you want to lose my respect too? And now I love love LOVE Rufus. What a way to guilt your child! First poverty and now ruin her social life. Nice.
Serena finds Eric in his room. Eric is texting ChuckSlime. She wants Eric to talk to her instead. He says that he wanted to tell her but was waiting for the right time. She apologizes that Serena abandoned him. He says he’s fine and no longer suicidal. He explains that he met this guy at Ostroff and now the guy is Jenny’s boyfriend. How good am I that I totally called that? Serena hugs him and says she loves him no matter who his boyfriend is or what method he uses to fail at suicide. Eric wants to go to Dog Walker’s party.
The party is hoppin at Dog Walker’s gay pad. Everyone who’s anyone is there. Blair arrives in partial slo-mo and the chickadees can’t believe she’s crashing. She says the most important parties to attend are the ones you’re not invited to. Then she wants to give something to the host. Now would the host be Dog Walker or Jenny because I’m still confused on that point.
Serena finds Dan and Dan introduces her to SarahG. SarahG says it’s nice to meet her. Serena wants to talk to Dan in private. Long Lost Vanessa comes over to show them a short film and Georgina wants to show them a movie of her own. Why doesn’t Serena just point out that Sarah is really Georgina and Dan shouldn’t talk to her? This is really stupid. Dan leaves for a minute and Serena tells Georgina not to show them the film of Serena Goes Down. By the time Dan and Vanessa get back, Serena decides to go along with calling Georgina Sarah and Sarah agrees not to show the movie.
Back at the party, KleptoJenny says DogWalker made her feel safe when they slept together and then freaks out when she hears that Blair is there. Blair goes up to Dog Walker and says that she has all the hard evidence she needs to prove he’s gay but she’s giving him a chance first because his lover is her good friend. Then Eric shows up, having failed yet again to off himself. Then Eric gets his gay drama on. He tells everyone that Dog Walker was kissing him this morning but Dog Walker says that he was with Jenny all morning. Jenny says that Eric’s lying and Eric asks why he would tell everyone he’s gay. Dog Walker wants them to get the faggot out when Eric outs the both of them. Eric leaves and Blair texts something to someone but won’t say what or who.
JudgyLily calls up Rufus and asks what kind of mother she is to have not known that Eric is gay. Rufus is waiting for Jenny to come home so he can ground her. Lily calls the two of them a good team. He says she’s going to be a beautiful bride.
The chickadees are leaving the party because the gay bomb dropped. They ask Jenny if she slept with Dog Walker and she says she exaggerated. They say that lying about sleeping with a gay guy is an offense no one can make up for. They all turn to Blair who is going home now but tells them to meet her the next day for dinner. They all leave Jenny at the gay party.
When Suicidal Eric comes home, Lily tells him that she made tea and her reaction wasn’t okay. She wasn’t ready to hear it. Eric says he wasn’t ready to tell her. She thanks him for his honesty and she says she’s scared that life is tough and she wants the best for him but money and gayness don’t go together. He says he’s happy if he’s honest. Then he makes fun of her because she can’t hold a marriage together and they hug.
All of Blair’s info shows up on Gossip Girl. Jenny goes to Blair’s. Jenny tells Blair that Blair won and Jenny’s done with all the chickadees. She lied and stole and it wasn’t worth any of it, especially because she lost her daddy’s respect. Blair says that she tried to warn Jenny there would be a price to pay that Poverty Stricken Jenny could not afford. She commends Jenny for putting up a good fight but not to expect a hug. Jenny expects nothing because she can’t even afford hope.
This is so strange. Dan really, really wants Serena to like Sarah. Why is Dan befriending girls anyway when he has a girlfriend? That may happen when you’re an adult, but if it happens in high school, the girlfriend goes ballistic and gives an ultimatum. This is so dumb. Anyway, Serena says she likes Sarah. Why Serena’s going along with this whole thing, I don’t know. LowlyDan knew she was a slut when he started going out with her. What’s the big deal? Dan doesn’t understand why Serena’s jealous. Serena says she loves him but he can’t trust Sarah. He says that she’s been lying and now she’s giving advice about trust. He suggests that Serena catch a cab but she wants to talk.
Insetad, Dan and Vanessa walk away and Georgina tells Serena that she wants to go back to being good friends with Serena. Serena asks why she would want to be friends with someone who outs her brother at the dinner table. Georgina says it was an honest mistake. Serena doesn’t believe her but I kinda do. I mean, Eric is clearly gay. Georgina says maybe she did it on purpose because she can, because she knows things about Serena before Serena does. She tells Serena to get home safe and runs to catch up with Vanessa and Dan who must be really slow walkers.
In poor Brooklyn, Lowly Dan and Rockin Rufus play Scrabble when KleptoJenny comes home. Rufus and Jenny can barely look at each other. She asks if she can play and he says there’s always room for her here. Oh, man. That’s so cheesy. No noo noooo. She’s crying and apologizing and he holds her and now neither of them is interesting anymore.
Serena arrives at Blair’s in tears but won’t tell Blair what’s wrong. Blair says she’s not anyone, she’s me. Serena says if she tells her, then Blair will be a part of it and Blair can’t be part of it. Blair says that they’re family and she loves Serena and she can tell her anything. Blair says, what is it? Serena says,
I killed someone.
Seriously, my heart stopped a second. I was NOT expecting THAT. Kudos, Gossip Girl! Slutty Murderous Serena. That has a nice ring to it.