Whoring In The Hamptons

Highlights: BoringNate gets it on with an old lady; SluttySerena can’t find anyone worthwhile to be slutty with; Blair falls for an accent; ChuckSlime falls for himself; KleptoJenny and Suicidal Eric are friends once again because they’re both bitchy; RockinRufus is on the road; JudgyLily and Father Slime must be on their honeymoon because they’re nowhere to be found; Long Lost Vanessa is lost again

Because I don’t have a DVR and because my VCR doesn’t grasp the concept of Leap Year, this week’s long awaited recap will have to be delayed even further until the CW starts streaming the premier online.  For now, here’s what we’re looking forward to, all gathered from memory, and most likely out of order:

BoringNate has found something semi-interesting to do in the Hamptons over the summer.  That semi-interesting something is a long-limbed blonde.  We’re supposed to think it’s SluttySerena at first because when we last left the kids, they were smiling at each other on the sidewalk, speaking of how they could buddy up in the Hamptons.  Immediately, it’s apparent that this is not SluttySerena.  It’s some woman who is probably married.  We all know that BoringNate is secretly imagining it’s a boy, most likely ChuckSlime, but that doesn’t stop the non-witty banter of how they want to get it on in the worst way and she’s going to take him back to her guest house so her husband doesn’t find them.  I wonder if they’ll get caught.  Hmmm, from the recent commercials showing BoringNate running around the burbs in his underwear, all signs point to You Bet Your Ass They Get Caught.

Speaking of…ChuckSlime is busy on the beach objectifying women.  SluttySerena walks by in a lovely satin frock.  Who wears that to the beach?  That material is the opposite of breathable.  She passes by with a huff and ChuckSlime ogles the three girls some more.  Gossip Girl wonders why Serena is always spotted alone and why Nate is totally off the radar.  Umm, I know the answer to one of those—Nate’s boring.  Perhaps that’s the answer to both.

Meanwhile, back in the city, PovertyStrickenLowlyBoyDan is interning as an assistant for an author who I’m pretty sure is Jay McInerny in real life but is a fake author in Gossip Girl Land.  PoorDan takes interning very seriously—he uses this opportunity to make out with girls behind bookshelves.  He gets one girl’s number and then gets admonished by the author because Dan wasn’t paying attention to the author when the author read Dan’s favorite chapter.  Dan has it memorized.  I don’t doubt that.  He probably recites it to himself as a self-soothing technique so he can fall asleep in his lonely poor loft in Brooklyn while visions of Serena dance in his head even though she’s a slut who kills people and keeps secrets.

Then there’s another girl who also is mackin on LowlyBoyDan.  Gossip Girl wants to start calling him Playboy.  Um, no.  Uh-uh. I will not be referring to Dan as Playboy.  Fred suggested we call him Po’Boy instead.  Heeheeee!  I think we’ll stick with Poverty Stricken, Poor, Lowly, Lowly Boy, or any combination of those.  He can’t be a Playboy for that long.  Because he’s Dan and Dan’s deep and sad and cares too much about people to sleep with every girl he meets.  Plus, he has to write a short story as part of his internship so who has time for girls.

Awww, as punishment for stealing, KleptoJenny is working in a third world country sweat shop, which is really not a far stretch for her since she lives in poor Brooklyn.  Oh, oops, not really.  She’s interning at a bitchy designer’s shop and the bitchy designer isn’t interested in KleptoJenny’s dress because it’s made from stolen goods and as punishment for making an ugly dress, KayJay has to match up buttons for homework.

Both LowlyDan and KleptoJenny are left to their own devices back in poor Brooklyn because their mom, who I guarantee we’ll never see again, went out and RockinRufus is on the road with the band.  Dan wants spicy food and Jenny is too hot for that.  Then Dan stares at Jenny in the way Brandon Walsh used to stare at his twin sister and it gets kinda creepy for a few seconds.  So creepy that KayJay leaves the room with her buttons and PoorDan slams closed his laptop having not written a thing and goes off to find food.

ChuckSlime gets all snazzed up and buys some flowers since he heard that Blair is coming into town.  SluttySerena tells him he’s not going to be able to buy back Blair.  He doesn’t listen and goes to the bus stop to win her back.  I can’t even describe the insane outfit he’s got on.  It’s very bright.  Like, you know that movie with Robin Williams?  He dresses up in a shiny rainbow outfit and dances around for children?  Well, that’s what ChuckSlime has on.  The bus pulls up and Blair disembarks and then, well, well, Blair has a boy toy with her and they mack it.  Chuck gets pissed. 

SluttySerena and Blair are lounging together.  Serena tells her that a lifeguard asked her out.  Blair says lifeguards should be used once and tossed aside.  Serena then goes on a date with the lifeguard and tells Blair to tell anyone who asks that she’s with Boring Nate.  Blair doesn’t understand but says she’ll do it.

BoringNate inevitably gets tossed off the guest house balcony in his undies when the lady’s husband arrives home.  She gave him the choice of under the bed or out the window.  To spice up his boring life a bit, he tucked and rolled out of the driveway.  Then he runs across the street only to almost be hit by a car.  Driven by a lifeguard.  With SluttySerena in the passenger seat.  She’s shocked.  He’s shocked.  They lock eyes and then BoringNate runs off. 

Ah, now I’ve caught on.  Serena has been Nate’s beard.  They’ve made a rumor that they’re dating to cover up the fact that Nate is gay.  Oh, wait, that’s not right.  Not yet, anyway.  They’re covering up his affair with the married lady.

Later on…Damn that Mother Chucker!  Heeheeheeee.  My sentiments exactly, Blair.  Blair and Serena are walking around the Hamptons, bemoaning the likes of ChuckSlime.  Then ChuckSlime and BoringNate show up.  Blair takes to bickering with ChuckSlime.  Serena takes to scolding Nate for dating a married woman because when he said older, she thought he meant college and not old married lady.

And now for the most awkward afternoon luncheon ever.  Here are the attendees: JudgyGranny, SuicidalGayEric, Blair, Blair’s new boy toy, and ChuckSlime who is wearing a creamy green suit and looks like Easter.  And Eric’s the gay one?  ChuckSlime quizzes new boy toy about Blair’s likes and dislikes and Blair despises Charade.  Eric points out that it’s boring for the rest of them who already know Blair to talk about what she likes.  New boy toy says he likes learning about Blair. Then ChuckSlime sees the heart pin on new boy toy’s sweater sleeve.  Chuck gets all bent out of shape and leaves.  Blair runs after him and asks him to tell her that he loves her.  ChuckSlime can’t.  She runs back to the table.  Then she plucks the pin off new boy toy’s sweater anyway, saying it must have gotten caught.  New boy toy hadn’t noticed and doesn’t care and keeps eating.

Suicidal Eric, ChuckSlime, and BoringNate all play croquet.  Fred pointed out that they’re not playing the correct way because when Eric got his ball through the wicket, he was supposed to go again but Chuck took his turn instead.  Damn that Mother Chucker.  Chuck wonders why Blair’s new boy toy told him that he went to Princeton while Blair insists that the boy toy goes to Georgetown.  ChuckSlime calls up his own private investigator as SluttySerena storms into the backyard. 

At some point in the episode, and I’m not sure where because it was completely random, KleptoJenny calls up Suicidal Eric and he’s really bitchy to her because she’s taken three months to call and apologize.  She asks him for a favor and he says he’ll be her friend because he doesn’t have many. 

Now it’s time for the product placement white party.  Vitamin Water is hosting it so we all must now go out and buy Vitamin Water.  The invitation has a picture of Vitamin Water on it.  I know this because we see the invitation when LowlyDan arrives in the Hamptons and goes to JudgyGranny’s house to find SluttySerena and she invites him to be her date to the party.  I shit you not.  JudgyGranny says that after going through her tragedies, she realizes that poor people are people too and if Serena wants to slum it, so be it.  She gives Dan her husband’s white suit and off they go to the party.

Also at the party—KleptoJenny wearing the lace frock she made specifically for the party.  The designer she interns for finds her there and asks how she got in because her name isn’t on the list.  Jenny says she has friends there and then Suicidal Eric comes up with Tinsley Rich Girl and introduces them and Tinsley loves Jenny’s dress.  Later on, the designer kisses Jenny’s ass because Jenny knows rich people.  KayJay says she’ll still intern for the bitchy designer.

SluttySerena goes with BoringNate to the party to make his married girlfriend jealous because she’s there with her old and crotchety husband.  This is obviously not P. Diddy’s white party because people are wearing off-white, Serena has silver in her hair, Nate’s cardigan looks yellowish, and ChuckSlime has black stripes along his seams.  In any case, SluttySerena macks it with BoringNate to make married lady jealous.  PoorDan arrives at that exact time and gets all bent out of shape.  Serena chases him and Dan’s upset, not because she kissed the boring guy, but because she can’t have a simple answer and has a convoluted explanation and can’t tell him exactly why because it’s a secret.  Dude, it’s not like she killed anyone.  Oh, wait a minute, yes she did.  Moving on.

Then the two girls from the bookstore in the city arrive and confront Dan because they found out that he’s a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn and they have colorful drinks.  At a white party.  I wonder what’s going to happen now.  Uh-oh.  They each pour a drink on Dan—one red and one blue.  Then he turns to Serena and asks if he has a simple explanation.  Ha!  She’s got you there, buddy.  She takes him inside and tries to get the stains out of her grandfather’s suit by rubbing at them.  That makes total sense because as a rich girl, she wouldn’t know to pat rather than rub.  She and Poor Dan decide to leave together but first she needs to say goodbye to people.  JudgyGranny walks by and nods her approval.

Boring Nate and married lady make out in the corner of a room because she’s jealous that he was kissing Slutty Serena.

Then ChuckSlime wants Blair to be his and Blair will have none of it.  She asks him why she should be with him and warns him that “because you’re Chuck Bass isn’t an answer.”  That’s the best line ever.  Chuck has nothing convincing to say so Blair returns to new boy toy.  Oh!  I forgot.  At some point, new boy toy told Blair that he knew she was using him to make ChuckSlime jealous and he thought she didn’t even like him.  To which Blair replied that new boy toy is indeed boring.  Fast forward to them making up at the white party.  He admits that he’s been lying.  He liked that she called him boring because she was being real.  He doesn’t go to Princeton or Georgetown. Then he starts talking with a British accent, tells her he’s a Lord, and then wants her to date him because he figured out she’s the real deal.  She calls him “m’Lord” and then wants to date him now even though he’s still boring and now has lied to her.  That right there is true love.

Also true love?  PoorDan tells Serena he’ll wait for her on the beach.  Which beach?  Where?  The Hamptons is huge and located on an island.  It’s all beach.  Still, SluttySerena uses her PovertyDetector to find Dan who is waiting for her fireside.  We began the episode with her wearing something insane on the beach–satin–and now we end it in the same way–party dress and silver strappy headwrap.