Bus Sex and Other Naughty Nasty Things Rich People Normally Don’t Do

Highlights: LowlyDan and SluttySerena agree to be hypocrites together; Blair tries to impress The Lord; BoringNate is so boring; ChuckSlime schemes for the good; RockinRufus comes home; LongLostVanessa is home schooled–since when, we don’t know

The summer is over for our Upper East Siders. 

Gossip Girl’s Summer Tip #1: Don’t fall asleep because morning breath is gross. 

SluttySerena and LowlyDan awake on the beach and kiss good morning and neither is shivering and there’s no wind at all.  The Hamptons at the end of the summer is not exactly scorching in the morning but fine.  She’s confused.  He’s amazed.  She’s still confused, so then he gets confused.  She calls him romantic, but thinks they have to think.  He thinks they’re back together.  They keep kissing and she says they broke up for many reasons but kissing wasn’t one of them.  Then she leaves him to think some more.

Summer Tip #2: There’s no “we;” only you and me.  Find out where you stand before your stand alone.

The Brit Marcus, Blair’s new boy toy, and Blair ride bikes a la Kermit and Piggy in The Muppet Movie.  She wants to know what he plans on doing since he doesn’t go to college.  He says that he’ll go where she’ll go.  Basically, he’s going to be a stalker.  They arrive at a restaurant and she explains that she needs to go back to the city because senior year is coming.  He says something about his parents and she says she’d love to meet them.  He says, “we’ll see.”

Blair goes off and calls SluttySerena.  She calls herself Gregory Peck and proclaims her love for The Brit.  Serena thinks Blair is simply getting revenge on ChuckSlime but Blair insists it’s love.

Speaking of.  ChuckSlime arrives and asks The Brit if he can have breakfast with them.  The Brit says no.  Chuck says the British are supposed to be civil so then The Brit agrees.

Blair tells Serena she feels like a secret summer shame.  Then she asks where Serena had gone off to the night before.  SluttySerena hangs up quickly because she’s so ashamed of Dan.

SluttySerena finds LowlyDan waiting for the Jitney.  She rides the Jitney?  She says they are not going to make out.  She sits and he stands, ensuring that they won’t make out.

Inside the restaurant, Blair finds ChuckSlime sitting in her seat.  She calls him Charles and says she’ll squash him when she finds out that he set up a squash match with The Brit.  Chuck insists that he likes The Brit, too.  He leaves and she asks The Brit for a ride back to the city.

Meanwhile, BoringNate finds BoringMom in her boring garden.  He says he’s going back to the city early.  She tells him that the government sees Captain Crunch’s leaving the country as an admission of guilt so they’ve frozen all their assets and the Archibald family is going down.  She then says she asked grandpa for help and he refused.  Nate can’t believe he’s going to be poor. 

That leads us to Gossip Girl’s Tip #3: Smell flowers.

Nate’s new lover WifeyCatherine leaves a message for BoringNate calling him stupid and saying he should be more clever.  Her phone rings as soon as she hangs up.  It’s The Brit.  He calls her Dutchess.  Oooh, no WAYYYYYY.

So if you haven’t caught on… the married woman that BoringNate has been boringly boning is The Brit’s MOM, the Dutchess. 

DutchessWifeyCatherine says she’ll meet The Brit later in the city.  Then Blair climbs into his limo with The Brit.

Buy Season 1 on DVD.  You can hear Christina Ricci read from the book version.

On the Jitney, SluttySerena hands PovertyStrickenDan a magazine because he can’t afford his own entertainment and their hands touch.  They’re not supposed to be touching.  Then she eats chocolate covered strawberries, licking her fingers, and offers him one but he’s already creamed his pants, which is apropos with strawberries.  She gets up and falls on him.  He gets another boner.  They then go into the bus bathroom together. 

Okay, fine, I accepted that Serena was on the bus in the first place and since she’s so slutty, I’m sure she’d do it in a bathroom.  But have you ever been in a bus bathroom?  No, no, no.  Serena van der Woodsen would NOT have sex in a bus bathroom.  Dan?  Maybe because he’s poor. but bus bathrooms are nasty and gross and too too small.

In the limo, Blair says she’d love to have dinner with The Brit’s mom.  He hasn’t really invited her.  Then Blair says she’s having her big annual Welcome Back To The City party and he can’t come if he goes to dinner.  He says he’ll ditch dinner for the party. 

In a different limo, BoringNate finds ChuckSlime and tells him that he can’t match up to The Brit in squash.  ChuckSlime plans to get The Brit out of the way soon enough so he can have Blair.  He complains that BoringNate is unsupportive in his endeavors.  Then Nate’s phone rings.  Chuck stares out the window, formulating his plan.

Back in the city, LongLostVanessa shows RockinRufus how she’s redecorated the coffee house space.  Honestly, I have no idea where they are.  Are they at the coffee shop she works in?  Are they in his gallery that was converted into a coffee shop?  Does anyone care really?  No.  He says that the road was great and he can’t wait to see his kids.  He gets a coffee to go because he needs to go downtown.  Ew.  The vibe is all about tension here.  If they mack it?  Ew.  So wrong.  There’s more chemistry here than between SluttySerena and PoorDan in the bathroom on the bus.

Nate arrives home to find a federal prosecutor in his house.  They moved in to go through all the possessions to lock up Captain Ahab for good.  BoringNate says he doesn’t know where his father is.  The fed thinks BoringMom won’t be able to hack it in jail.  BoringNate calls DutchessWifeyCatherine because he needs someone to talk to and he talks to her voicemail.

ChuckSlime and The Brit are in the middle of a sweaty racquetball match.  Or it could be squash.  I really don’t know.    The Brit stops and talks but I can’t understand a word he’s saying.  Then they play more angrily and start panting.  The Brit leaves for Blair’s party.  ChuckSlime asks The Brit for his home number.  Basically, this is all foreplay.

At home, Blair tells her maid that she needs to add more people to the guest list for the party that’s not an annual party and she made that up to tell The Brit.  She wants to invite strangers if necessary.  SluttySerena arrives and tells Blair that Blair is completely the Dutchess’s type because Blair is like a dictator.  Blaire wants PoorDan to come to the party because he knows all about soccer, which The Brit calls football.  While she approves of Dan’s knowledge, she’s still happy that Serena is free from DownerDan.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  I’m so calling him that from now on.

BoringNate arrives at ChuckSlime’s place.  ChuckSlime doesn’t want to let him in and Nate wonders if he has a girl in there.  Chuck says he’s in the middle of a business deal and Nate realizes that Chuck is selling the club.  Chuck says it’s to one-up The Brit and asks Nate to leave again.  Nate’s phone rings.  Again.

DownerDan calls SluttySerena to tell her that the bus bathroom wasn’t in the plan and they have no willpower. He realized that they need time apart.  She agrees but doesn’t mean it.  Then she tells him that Blair wants him to come to the party and he says sure, completely negating what he just said. 

BoringNate goes to the poor part of town to find LongLostVanessa because he’s desperate to talk to someone and she’s his last resort.  First she wants him to rat out his dad.  Then she promises to give his mom tips on how to be poor like where to eat tacos and when to shop at the Salvation Army Store.  His phone rings AGAIN.  Really, this is what’s exciting for him.  His phone rings.  That’s the depth of his character.  His mom is calling to say that she fixed the problem by getting money from a friend not exactly on the inner circle and by not asking but having him offer it to her and she didn’t turn it down. 

That roundabout mumbo jumbo can mean only one thing.  She got the money from Chuck Bass.  Am I right or am I right?

BoringNate hangs up in a huff and leaves LLV to go find ChuckSlime.  Before he leaves, he turns and says, “I’m so glad I called you.”  That?  Is so gay.

ChuckSlime broods in his maroon suit.  DutchessWifeyCatherine arrives to meet him. She says she usually doesn’t meet with children and wants to know what he wants quickly.  Apparently, having sex with children is different from meeting with them. 

Now onto Blair’s party.  I love her dress.  It’s strapless and off-white with a dark green viney pattern.  The orchestra finishes and she says she loves Mozart even though they weren’t playing Mozart.  SluttySerena asks her who everyone is at the party and Blair has no clue.  DownerDan arrives and Blair says, “Come meet the Lord.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  She drags him to The Brit, she and Serena mumble something about football, and then The Brit offers to get her a drink.  Awwwwwwwkwwwwwaaarrdddd.

DownerDan and SluttySerena pull away and then Serena spots ChuckSlime who Blair didn’t invite.  Blair storms over to Chuck who is about to introduce her to his new friend.  She asks if she’s going to tell her about Botox.  Then ChuckSlime informs her that the woman is The Dutchess.  Serena overhears and comes over but doesn’t help much.

RockinRufus arrives back at the coffee shop and tells LongLostVanessa that the college tour promoter called him about another tour.  She says that her home schooling isn’t all that much work and she can stick around the shop if he needs it.  He thought that the tour would get his need to be on the road out of his system but he’s not sure if he’s finished.  She says again that she can stay if he goes back out on tour.

At the party, Serena wants Blair to apologize to The Dutchess.  Blair tells The Dutchess that her facework is flawless and then lists lots of things ChuckSlime may have mentioned that are all negative reflections of her.  The Dutchess says that Chuck said nothing negative but it wouldn’t matter because she wouldn’t let her son be with a lowly Waldorf.

BoringNate arrives at the party and SluttySerena sees him first.  Then The Dutchess recognizes him and Serena says that The Dutchess and Nate know each other from a summer book club.  As if either of them read.  So Blair is dating the son of the woman Nate has been boning.  Ahh, a love rhombus.

Blair laments to SluttySerena that her party and life are a bust.  She claims she had good intentions in scheming to win The Brit.  Serena tells her to be herself around The Dutchess and the Dutchess will come around.  Then Serena uses the word “denegrate” and goes off to find DownerDan.

BoringNate finds ChuckSlime and tells him he can’t believe that he gave BoringMom money.  ChuckSlime says he didn’t tell Nate because Nate would’ve told him not to.  BoringMom called Chuck to see if Nate was okay but Chuck didn’t know what was going on so when he found out, he offered the money.  Nate is mad at Chuck for lying. 

SluttySerena wants to go with DownerDan to pick up Jenny from the train.  She doesn’t want to think anymore and starts making out with him.  DownerDan discusses the universe.  Then Nate comes over and asks if they’re back together.  They say that they’re just kissing.  The elevator opens and then go in and wait for Nate to go in but he doesn’t because his phone goes off.  It’s WifeyCatherine saying she’s in the library so he decides to go there and not get on the elevator.  Which is totally weird because it makes it seem as if he came up to them and asked them about their kissing because he was interested and a bit pervy instead of happening upon them before he got in the elevator to leave.

BoringNate finds WifeyCatherine and says that it can’t work between them because he doesn’t want to be Blair’s step-dad.  What the?  I don’t think The Dutchess plans to marry you, Nate.  She wants to know about his family problems.

RockinRufus finally arrives at The Poor House.  He listens to a message from Jenny and goes in her room to look at her dresses and patterns.  Then he thumbs through Dan’s story-filled notebook.  I thought he lost his internship for not being able to write a short story.  Rufus then stares at a collage of his kids.  He quickly calls up the tour promoter.   Possibly to get out of there fast, but more likely to say he has to stay home.

Back in the library, WifeyCatherine explains to Nate that his mom wouldn’t simply lost money, but she would gain humiliation.  She wants to help him.  He asks what he needs to do in return.

Blair goes to find Dutchess Catherine in the library.  She finds it empty.  Until she hears…something.  She moves in farther and BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!  Half naked Nate mauling The Dutchess!  Blair’s response: Oh my effin’ God!  Awesome.  Blair doesn’t want an explanation but does want a word with The Dutchess.  She tells the Dutchess she’s sorry for judging her, thinking she was a washed up swimsuit model, and that she now realizes Catherine has a sensitive side, having crept so low as to make out with Blair’s pubescent ex-boyfriend.  Awesome awesome awesome.  We love Blair.

The Brit finds Blair and his mom (really, it’s his step-mom) in the library and asks if The Dutchess has scared Blair off.  She says that she finds Blair to be a treat.

DownerDan and KleptoJenny come home and hug RockinRufus.  He’s made gnocchi and pesto for dinner.  What happened to the Humphrey pancakes?  He wants to hear about The Hamptons.  DownerDan says he’s writing a novel and calls his dad old. 

At SluttySerena’s house, Blair tells Serena that The Dutchess loves her.  ChuckSlime appears.  Serena takes away his orange juice and leaves.  Blair tells Chuck that Catherine is sicker than he is and so she’s finally won her over.  She recognizes someone in Catherine—heh heh, meaning Nate—and says that they’ll get along from now on.  So Chuck has lost out again.  Chuck says tomorrow is another day.  Oh my effin God, there’s so much sexual tension between the two of them, it’s unreal.  More than between RockinRufus and LongLostVanessa and much much more than between DownerDan and SluttySerena. 

BoringNate calls up LongLostVanessa and apologizes, saying he can’t make it back to the poor part of town tonight because he’s fulfilled his poor quota already.  She says it’s fine.  She’s all dressed up and has candles burning and bought Chinese food for them to share.  Chinese food!  A romantic dinner gone to shit.  She blows out the candle.

WifeyCatherine climbs into BoringNate’s limo and hands him a thick envelope.  Then she grabs his hand and he stares out the window with a blank gaze.

When it comes to scandal, we’ll ALL take Manhattan.  It’s good to be back in the city.