Black Eye Blackout and The Truth About Elevators

Highlights: ChuckSlime gets kicked while he’s down; BoringNate makes being a gigolo boring; Blair gets frustrated; SluttySerena and DownerDan talk about talking; KleptoJenny gets fired; RockinRufus thinks he’s 14; Long Lost Vanessa keeps popping up; The Return Of NastyMom, but JudgyLily and FatherSlime are nowhere to be seen but can be heard through a cell phone via Shanghai

Things I’ve pondered since last week.  Yes, I ponder Gossip Girl between episodes.  1. Rufus turned his gallery into a cafe.  What the?  That’s a completely different type of business that requires all kinds of licensing.  2. Blair’s tan is amazing.

Nice opening shot of the fake metal waterfalls from this past summer’s artistic endeavors in Manhattan. 

Gossip Girl starts to give advice about the dog days of summer.  Much like last week’s advice about Hamptoning.  Only these are ridiculous tidbits about the city. 

#1: Drink lots.  Meaning watch ChuckSlime down some whiskey.  Or is it Scotch?

#2: Stay out of the sun.  Meaning watch KleptoJenny fumble around in the sun on a crowded city sidewalk with lots of hot goods. 

#3: Limit physical activity.  Meaning watch DownerDan and SluttySerena mack it in a doorway.   Gossip Girl adds “within reason.”  Meaning Blair can make out with The Brit, too. 

Suddenly, The Brit looks 30.  He wants to get away so she can go host a party and calls her a delicate flower and calls her special.  He doesn’t want to sleep with her.

KleptoJenny is still fumbling on the sidewalk, now on the phone with Long Lost Vanessa, giving LLV advice about if she should call BoringNate.  Making this phone call boring.  KJ says she should call him.

Meanwhile, BoringNate is letting WifeyDutchess fit him with a suit.  She’s happy this affair hasn’t ended and he says, “me too” but it’s incredibly unbelievable.  His cell rings.  AGAIN.  It’s Long Lost Vanessa and he immediately asks her out for later.  He tells Wifey that it was his mom who called about the party tomorrow.

Cut to Slutty Serena and Downer Dan mackin it on the street and talking about how they’re back together and everyone knows.  He thinks things are good and if they tell people, it will all be bad.  She thinks everything will be fine.  They mack it more, and, I shit you not, some girl is one foot away from them, taking a picture of them with her phone, and neither one of them notices.  Much like the girl from the drug store last season who snapped a pic of Serena buying the pregnancy tests.  Really, they need to be more aware.  Not so much Dan, because he’s poor, but Serena needs to not get mugged.

Over to ChuckSlime who’s tightening the belt on his Hefner robe with big-boobed-pretty-girl in tow.  He gets an e-blast—a picture of SluttySerena and DownerDan kissing.  Then Blair gets it.

In the poor house, KleptoJenny screams and runs towards DownerDan, apparently in love with him.  Even RockinRufus now knows DownerDan and Slutty Serena are together again.

Now BoringNate and Long Lost Vanessa are having a boring conversation on the street.  Her phone call made him feel like he could breathe and he wants to make them right.  She wants to go out with him the next night and he says he can’t.  So much for making things right.  He says he’ll reschedule family stuff and they hold hands all smitten-like.  Guess who’s across the street, stalking BoringNate.  You’d be right if you said WifeyDutchess.  If you didn’t say WifeyDutchess, you shouldn’t be watching this show.  It’s the easiest thing to follow and predict and there’s seriously something wrong with you if you couldn’t guess that.

SluttySerena is in a pretty light green frock at Blair’s house; Blair’s wearing a bowtie.  Serena wants to know if Blair’s excited that Eleanor, NastyMom, is coming home and can meet The Brit.  Blair’s pissed off that The Brit hasn’t date raped her yet.  SluttySerena expressed an interest in Blair’s relationship and she’s upset that Blair hasn’t asked about her and DownerDan.  She wants support.  Blair wants to know if they talked about the very real reasons they broke up.  Blair thinks they’re fooling themselves because they haven’t.  The Dutchess calls Blair and Serena leaves in a huff.  Blair tells the Dutchess that the girl she saw Boring Nate with lives in….pause of distain….Brooklyn.  OMFG, how much do I love Blair?

Speaking of BoringNate, he arrives at ChuckSlime’s place.  ChuckSlime calls him Nathaniel.  I love it when Chuck calls him Nathaniel.  Chuck’s still in his robe.  BoringNate says he overreacted about the money and would love to take him up on the offer as a loan.  ChuckSlime thought that he was getting the money elsewhere and Nate admits that the offerer wanted too much in return.  Meaning his penis.  ChuckSlime laments that the money is now tied up in bonds.  BoringNate says he’ll find the money somewhere else. 

Chuck asks him if he’s seen Blair and “Lord Fauntleroy” lately.  OMFG, how much do I love Chuck?  He’s been feeling off his game lately.  Some servant guy comes in to say that the flight from Tokyo has landed and in walks some Japanese girl dressed all in red.  So this is where Chuck’s money really went.  Mail order bride.

KleptoJenny is at her internship and the nasty woman in charge says that some bulimic left them a present in the bathroom.  KJ fits an outfit and goes through a laundry list of horrible tasks she had to do this summer just to get NastyMom to look at her designs.  KJ then tells the nasty woman that something is wrong with the dress.  Nasty Woman says that KJ is like the little birds from Cinderella, covered in feathers and opinionless.  BTW, KJ’s chest is slathered with stuff to make her look sweaty.  Eew.

Now SluttySerena and DownerDan are strolling through the park.  She’s complaining about Blair’s lack of support and says that she and Dan will talk about things when they talk about them.  I really can’t follow much of this because I’m distracted by Dan’s wearing a suit vest with a v-neck purple t-shirt.  If that collar were an inch lower, he’d be Memphis from Big Brother 10.  JudgyLily calls in from Shanghai, where I’m pretty sure it’s 3 in the morning, so she takes the call. 

Meanwhile, DownerDan gets accosted by three tweens all decked out in Chickadee-like handmedowns.  They tell him that SluttySerena is only going to lie to him again and he shouldn’t be dating her again.  He actually tries to defend Serena and logically talk it out with them before calling them creepy and telling them to go.  Serena comes back and they ask how she can forgive him for sleeping with Georgina/Sarah.  She tells them to shoo.  That?  Was Gossip Girl.  Serena says they should talk about some things.  That’s what they’ve been saying since before the White Party, no?  Then Serena goes to do some stuff.  So they still aren’t going to talk. 

Over in Poverty Stricken Brooklyn, Long Lost Vanessa and Boring Nate are on a date.  BoringNate is answering his text messages.  AGAIN.  It’s Wifey, asking where he is.  He tells LLV he’s sorry and LLV suggests he needs to be properly distracted.  Then his cell blips again.  In galavants Blair, who calls the place “half-gallery, half-faux-ho coffee shop.”  Have I mentioned how much I love Blair?  She says she was planning to invite LLV to the party to surprise BoringNate and neither of them believe her.  LLV needs to get a delivery, leaving Blair and BoringNate to bicker about him sleeping with her boyfriend’s mom.  LLV returns and BN agrees to go to the party.

Blair calls WifeyDutchess to report that BN is bringing LLV.  She warns Wifey that her bedroom floor is off-limits.  That’s it.  I want to be Blair.

TokyoRed is still lurking around the Bass-Van Der Woodsen Residence.  Serena envies Chuck.  He says nothing happened.  Serena says he’s had different girls every day.  She can’t believe it.  ChuckSlime can’t get it up and SluttySerena suggests it’s because he’s still in love with Blair.  He admits there’s a blockage and wants to go at Blair once more.  Serena says he can’t use Blair as “sexual Drain-O.”  He congratulates her on getting back with DowerDan.

KleptoJenny is still in the sweatshop, now rehemming the dress she’s not supposed to have an opinion about.  She calls it very 90s, just in time for NastyMom to enter and overhear.  KJ awkwardly introduces herself.  NastyMom is irritated that interns have opinions.  She tells the model to go home because it’s hot.  Then she tells KJ she can’t trust her and orders her to clean out her station and that she won’t get a letter of recommendation.  So ends the sweat shop job.

BoringNate is running boringly through the park.  He looks good sweaty.  He should take off his shirt.  He runs into The Brit who tells him that Dutchess is coming to the party because she and Blair are friends.  Then The Brit leaves and BoringNate gets on his phone AGAIN and calls LLV to tell her that she’s uninvited to the party because she’s poor.

Over in Brooklyn, Rockin Rufus comes home to find Long Lost Vanessa there, all upset that BoringNate left her a message about family drama and how she can’t go with him to the party.  Downer Dan is now ready.  RockinRufus wants to know what everyone else thinks of Dan dating Serena and then asks if he should tag along to the party.  What the?  Rockin Rufus seems to be forgetting that, despite his most recent childish escapades on a band tour bus, he’s NOT a TEENAGER anymore.  DownerDan says that having him there could be awkward but Rufus says he can bring a date.  Oh, no.  If he says LLV is his date, ugh.  Dan doesn’t think a date is completely outside the realm of possibility and leaves.  Then RockinRufus tells LLV to call him or, better yet, stalk him, saying that she never got the message not to come.  Mature, Rufus, real mature.

At the party, Blair, in her yellow one shouldered dress and hair in cascades, gushes to everyone about The Brit.  ChuckSlime slithers in to hit on Blair.  She says that she and The Brit have a great sex life.  Chuck wants to know what names he calls her when they make love and where he touches her.  Then he starts to molest her and talk dirty to her.  Then he says, “have sex with me.”    She responds, “You are disgusting and I hate you.”  Then he retorts, “Then why are you still holding my hand?”  THIS is why they can’t be together.  They’re so great not.

DownerDan is picking up SluttySerena who looks like she may have gotten a boob job.  The lights flicker on and off for no reason.  They wait for the elevator and have an awkward conversation about what they did this afternoon.  We all know they didn’t talk about things they need to talk about.  Maybe they’ll mack it in the elevator. 

BoringNate shows up to the party and Blair wants to know where LLV is.  BTW—that Asian girl and the Random Girl who took Blair’s place for 30 seconds last season are now flocking as the new Chickadees.  BN says that he wasn’t going to fall into Blair’s trap and then scolds WifeyDutchess for using his friends in a power play to get to him.  She apologizes and squeezes his hand to make it all better.  Then Long Lost Vanessa shows up to see them holding hands and says, Oh my God. 

Then the power goes out.

DownerDan and SluttySerena are stuck in the elevator.

Blair calls out that it will all be okay.  BoringNate calls out for Vanessa.

With the lights out, Blair hands out candles, explaining it’s a city-wide black out.  Vanessa wants to leave but they don’t want to let her.  Because no one can go outside in a city-wide blackout.  I’m not quite sure why.  No one explains that.  Then BN pulls her aside to say that him and Wifey are complicated.  She asks if they’re sleeping together and he says yes and that’s the reason he keeps canceling.  She calls her a Mrs. Robinson and says that she didn’t “sign up for some creepy love triangle” with him and someone’s mother.  To somehow make it better, BoringNate explains, “She’s giving me money.”  Because male prostitution makes it all better.  I mean, he is pretty enough, but still.  He goes on to say that there was no other option because he couldn’t be poor.  She wants to know everything.

Blair is telling everyone to get a drink and a candle.  Wifey is looking for Nate. Actually, she asks Blair, “Have you seen Nate?” and Blair responds, “Uh, no, it’s a blackout.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!! Blair tells Wifey to deal with it if Nate went off with Vanessa.  Wifey wonders if The Brit is everything Blair wants and Nate makes her feel alive. 

DownerDan is on the phone in the elevator to tell someone it’s stuck.  They have to wait.  SluttySerena wants to do it.  No, actually, she tells Dan that he should have said her name on the phone because she lives in the building.  He thinks it won’t make a difference but calls back.  Now they’re sending someone.  See what being rich gets you, Dan?

Meanwhile, KleptoJenny is stuck in the sweatshop and NastyMom asks her to hold a flashlight and give her opinions since she can’t be fired twice.  KJ gives good advice.  Then steals the flashlight, no doubt.

BoringNate finishes his tale of woe and tells Long Lost Vanessa he wants to be with her, not Wifey.  She says that he’s better than being a male prostitute.  Then she rubs his face and says she’ll wait for him.

The Brit is on the phone with the building manager.  Blair is trying to make out with him and seduce him.  He wants to get the power back on for the guests.  She wants him to make her feel alive in the bedroom.  ChuckSlime follows her instead.

Wifey shows up in the dark room LLV is in.  They’re both looking for BoringNate.  LLV thinks Wifey is disgusting.  Wifey thinks LLV really cares for Nate because she’s waiting for him.  She says that she’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep him.

ChuckSlime arrives in Blair’s room and she blows out all the candles, making the room pitch black when she hears a British accent.  Then they go at it, her thinking he’s The Brit.  Can’t she smell that it’s Chuck?  Or realize from touching him?  Probably her hormones are getting in the way.

At the sweatshop, KleptoJenny apologizes for criticizing NastyMom.  She says that the first dress she bought was a NastyMom design.  NastyMom tells her to hold the light straight. 

DownerDan tries to get out of the elevator by climbing up into the shaft.  SluttySerena asks Dan why he’s always right as he falls back into the elevator.  Thank you, Serena.  FYI—elevators don’t open like that because of safety reasons because they don’t want people climbing into the shaft if the elevator gets stuck.   She forgives him for Georgina.  He forgives her for mumble mumble mumble.  She can’t change who she is and neither can he.  They keep having the same fight.  He wants to know what happens now.  She doesn’t feel like talking.  He doesn’t either.  And when the elevator repair people get there, he’ll take only Serena to safety.

BoringNate comes back into the other room to find Vanessa.  Instead, he gets Wifey who says LLV had to leave.  The lights come on.

Then in Blair’s bedroom, Blair and ChuckSlime go at it as the lights come on.  And as The Brit comes into the room.  He asks, “Blair?”  She doesn’t seem surprised that it’s Chuck who she’s been kissing.  She seems only minorly upset that The Brit caught her.  She then goes a little hysterical and tells The Brit she thought it was him because ChuckSlime had an accent.

The Brit punches Chuck and runs out.  Blair follows.  He asks if she knew it was Chuck and she says she knew.  She says she wants The Brit, but The Brit says that she wants his title and he wanted her which makes him a fool.  She tells him to show her that she’s not a flower.  So he macks it with her on the stairs.  Now he knows what Chuck tastes like.

At the elevators, BoringNate finds Vanessa.  She asks if he ended things with WifeyDutchess and he says not yet.  She tells him that Wifey loves Nate and he should be with her.  LLV is out for good and leaves.  See what happens when you’re almost poor, Nate?  Even poor people don’t want you.  Then Wifey gives him her hotel key for lunch.  Meaning floor sex.

In the sweatshop, NastyMom wants KleptoJenny to continue to hold up the flashlight even though the lights are back on.  RockinRufus arrives at the sweatshop because he’s worried about KJ.  He’s all sweaty because he walked from Chelsea to the Upper East Side.  In probably five seconds flat according to Gossip Girl geography.  Her phone died.  He was on a date and introduces the woman he’s been dating, Claire.  Claire didn’t want to meet Jenny when she was sweaty.  NastyMom remembers that she has a daughter and should call her.  NastyMom wants Jenny to stop being dramatic and get to work as Rufus and Date get them coffee and sandwiches because anyone who enters the sweatshop is a slave.

The elevator opens for SluttySerena and DownerDan.  Now they’re both scared instead of being scared before when they were stuck.  It was over between them before it started.  He says he still.  She says she knows, her too.  I shit you not, that’s what they say.  Then she says I love you to the closed elevator doors.

ChuckSlime has go his erection back but he won’t stick it in anyone, not even the girl mauling him in the backseat of a car.  His wiener is for Blair only.

Then DownerDan finds Long Lost Vanessa who tells him BoringNate is a prostitute.  LLV says she like Nate, and that’s why she told him to continue his prostitute ways.  Wifey told LLV that if Nate left her, she would tell the FBI where Captain Crunch is hiding.  DownerDan makes a serious frown face and they both stare out at the skyline.