Every Old Queen Is New Again
Highlights: DownerDan is a tool; RockinRufus is a tool; Judgy Lily is alive and so is Suicidal Eric; Long Lost Vanessa screws over Boring Nate and Blair big time; Slutty Serena, well, you’ll see
When we last left the kiddies, they were weeping outside elevators and sweating in, well, sweatshops. Now the summer is finally over and it’s the first day of school.
JudgyLily has finally returned. From some place that has a beach because that’s where she made FatherSlime wear flip flops and Slutty Serena is enjoying that. Suicidal Eric isn’t as amused. He wonders if more people are coming to breakfast because there’s so much food. Then ChuckSlime appears and Serena threatens to kill him if he calls JudgyLily “mom.” Lily explains that FatherSlime is in Beijing.
Serena wants more details about her mom’s trip and the flip flops and wants to stay home from school. Chuck explains that Serena broke up with DownerDan. He says that she’s queen and needs to rule, but Serena says that’s Blair’s old job. Then she calls Chuck a eunuch. Nice one. Lily didn’t even know Serena was back with Dan. Were they ever really together? They were just doing it.
Meanwhile in the poor part of town, RockinRufus is having the same conversation with DownerDan. Rufus tells him to be honest and stop with the sarcasm. Dan says he heard Rufus’s “friend” sneak out earlier in the morning. Sweet. Shackin up!
Then KleptoJenny comes into the kitchen wearing something like a tuxedo but not the maternity tuxedo Blair wore last season when she could have been pregnant. KJ doesn’t want to go to school because Blair and the chickadees categorize all the other girls into victims who need help and total losers. Neither Rufus or Dan understand because they’re not girls. Girl-y, but not girls.
At school, Blair and the chickadees are interviewing girls. And criticizing them and making them feel bad about themselves. All the girls are wearing that tuxedo thingie. Apparently that’s the school uniform for the girls. Did they have that last year? Did I totally miss the entire tuxedo theme last season? I knew the boys wear yellow shirts and red ties with blue blazers, but the girls? They have tie thingies over white shirts?
Suicidal Eric is following around ChuckSlime at school. Chuck is using a similar system that Blair uses to weed out girls but for dating purposes. Eric thinks it’s impersonal. Chuck thanks him.
SluttySerena walks the halls pouting. She sees DownerDan doodling in the courtyard and walks away. She wonders what’s wrong with her.
Blair and the chickadees bemoan the weak set of girls they’re meeting. ChuckSlime approaches with a dossier of his own. Blair says that she and The Brit are better than ever because of what happened last week and leaves.
At the poor community arts center in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Oh. My. God. BoringNate is so gay. The following description of what he’s doing really does this scene no justice but I’m going to try. He hops up onto the curb, his arms out, his jacket blowing open, his shirt untucked. He calls out—Vanessa! Hey! Wait up! Long Lost Vanessa is mortified by him and tries to make him go away. She’s dressed in some fushia-red pants and a purple top because she’s the youngest member of the Red Hat Ladies. He complains that she hasn’t returned his calls and he doesn’t understand why she told him to stay with Catherine. He wants to know if they’re not friends now and she says they never were. Cold, LLV.
At the rich school, DownerDan hits on KleptoJenny in the girls’ hallway. He’s waiting for SluttySerena without really waiting for her. Then the chickadees walk by and totally ignore KleptoJenny. Dan says, Welcome to my world, and goes off on a tangent about automatic doors not opening for him. KJ thinks ‘tis better to be ignored than tortured.
DownerDan attempts to return to his side of the building but winds up bumping into not one but two people. The second one is a girl. She introduces herself as Amanda. He says, I’m Dan and I just assaulted you. Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
Meanwhile, SluttySerena is telling Blair about hiding before when she saw DownerDan in the courtyard. Serena is totally not wearing the tuxedo thing. She’s got on a white t-shirt, a white shrug, and a long black untied ribbon around her neck, but it’s not what Jenny was wearing. Blair’s in white too with a shawl and a black ribbon with a huge black ball (flower?) in the middle. What is going on? Blair tells Serena that breakups are easy and she rubs The Brit in Chuck’s face. Serena calls that twisted foreplay.
DownerDan tells Amanda that he interned for that author guy over the summer. He does not mention that he got fired, went to the Hamptons, and did it with his now ex-girlfriend the whole rest of the summer.
Blair tells Serena that whoever dates first after a breakup wins, and since Serena dated PovertyStrickenLowlyDownerDan Humphrey, Serena wins by default. And the girls round a corner to see that very same Dan Humphrey talking to Amanda. He’s daring to date before Serena does according to Gossip Girl, but really, is bumping into someone in a school hallway really a date? Probably on this show, yes.
Blair goes through Amanda’s file to find that she’s won awards and is a pretty good student. SluttySerena doesn’t really want to hear it but Blair calls Amanda “Dan with boobs.” Hil. Air. Eee. Us. Serena says that it doesn’t mean anything that Dan was talking to Amanda. She so doesn’t believe it and neither do we.
WifeyDutchessCatherine arrives at the gallery, which I thought was converted into a coffee shop but is now a full out gallery again. She’s there to tell Long Lost Vanessa that she knows BoringNate was there and appreciates LLV’s making him go away. LLV wants Wifey to leave. Wifey hands LLV an envelope before leaving. LLV finds a check for five grand (that’s $5000) inside and wants to give it back but Catherine has already left. Since she left seconds ago, it would be impossible to run after her. It’s also impossible to rip up the check. So LLV now must keep the 5 g’s. That Nate will definitely not find out about, no way, no how. Not right now, anyway.
Back at school where all the non-home-schooled kids have to go instead of getting to hang out in hip coffee shop galleries in the poor part of town, DownerDan and SluttySerena finally say hi to each other. Dan says, I waved, for no reason. They have an awkward conversation. They are both nervous. Then ChuckSlime watches on as Dan suggests the two of them be friends. Serena wants to have lunch together. Amanda arrives and Dan explains that since Amanda’s new, he suggested they have lunch. So Serena says, Welcome! Then slinks away ashamed. ChuckSlime catches Serena on her way out and asks, Who would have thought Humphrey would be the one to move on first? Heeeeheeeeee. He’s so evil. Then in typical “if I think no one sees me, I’m invisible” fashion, Chuck holds up his phone about three feet away from Dan and Amanda, and takes their picture. These people are seriously going to be attacked in a mall parking lot someday. Most likely Dan because no one else would go to a mall.
Blair and the chickadees all get the picture on their phones immediately. Blair calls for her class schedule now. I don’t know what that means.
JudgyLily makes it over to RockinRufus’s gallery. He’s all excited to see her. Then he tries to act all suave, telling her he’s busy. RepoMan is playing at the Sunshine and he’s on his way out. She wants to go. He says that 20 years ago, they went to see RepoMan and she stole his soda and walked out. Lily offers to buy him another because now she’s rich and he’s poor. So very poor. That one soda sent him on a downward spiral.
Blair and the chickadees accost Amanda and invite her to lunch. They tell her that going to lunch with Dan Humphrey is hazardous to her health. They drop a tennis racket on Amanda’s foot. Or it’s a stick. Whatever. SluttySerena wants Blair to stop but Blair won’t because if Amanda goes to lunch with DownerDan, not only will Amanda magically become poor, but she’ll also become Dan’s girlfriend. They all walk away, leaving Serena alone.
LLV is at Wifey’s house now, trying to return the check. She barges into the study where she catches Wifey making out with, um, er, is that her stepson, the guy Blair is dating? It looks like him but I’ve been very wrong before. So as of right now, I’m holding off on my incredibly disgusted ew until I know for sure. LLV snaps a picture of them. Okay, so maybe Nate won’t find the check Wifey left for LLV. This is even better.
ChuckSlime finds DownerDan to tell him that Amanda’s not going to lunch because she was threatened with hockey sticks. He explains that they’re taking Amanda into their clique so that she has to follow the code of not being allowed to date exes. Chuck leaves and Long Lost Vanessa calls Dan.
During lunch, Blair and the chickadees explain to Amanda that she can’t date Downer Dan because he’s SluttySerena’s ex. That was quick. Serena sends Amanda to get gelato and tells Blair that this is wrong. She goes off to find Dan to tell him they were all wrong. What about the gelato?
Then Dan meets up with Vanessa. Where the hell are they and how did he get there so fast? She shows him the picture she took of WifeyDutchess. Dan tries to hand back the phone and asks, “Why can’t I look away?” Heeheeeee! LLV can’t confront Catherine because the butler will remember her and then Wifey will “drop the dime on the Captain” according to DownerDan and he’s so happy he gets to talk like that. Me, too. Captain talk is fun. LLV isn’t sure how to use the picture to help Nate. Dan tells her to get Blair to help because Blair is the revenge expert. Then Dan needs to go because something about Serena.
Now Dan’s back at school and SluttySerena apologizes and tells Blair to stop. He keeps interrupting her. She’s trying to apologize and he keeps stopping her and making her feel worse. Because Dan’s a tool. So Serena says that if this were a competition, she wouldn’t need Blair and her posse to win.
Amanda finds Dan and asks him what they’re doing tonight. Because now they’re a couple.
Long Lost Vanessa arrives at Blair’s and explains all about the Captain and Wifey and The Brit. Okay, so I think it really is The Brit who was making out with his stepmom. EW. EW. EWWWWW. Blair’s in tears and doesn’t want anyone else to know. LLV says she simply wants Boring Nate out of WifeyDutchess’s clutches.
Amanda has taken DownerDan to this hotspot where everyone goes. It’s a declaration of war, apparently, on Dan’s part. The chickadees take a picture from across the room which is more believable.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. KleptoJenny wakes DownerDan up by hitting him with a pillow. Awesome. She asks about him and Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl. She tells him that he’s committing social suicide and it’s mean. Dan says SluttySerena started with the girl mafia. KJ tells him to apologize before it’s too late.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. ChuckSlime wakes SluttySerena up by tickling her ear with a flower. She reminds him of boundaries but he doesn’t move. Hey, remember when he tried to rape her in the kitchen of his dad’s hotel after feeding her grilled cheese made with truffle oil? Ah, memories. She says that she and JudgyLily had a girls’ movie night. ChuckSlime shows her the morning headlines—Gossip Girl’s headlines of Dan and Amanda.
KleptoJenny finds Long Lost Vanessa near school and LLV explains she’s looking for Blair. KJ gets some sac and asks the chickadees where Blair is. They remind her that her day will come when they will obliterate her.
SluttySerena runs into DownerDan and she accuses him of using another girl to embarrass her in front of her friends. He says he’s sorry and he was wrong. She agrees. Now Serena wants him, her, and Amanda to go out all together. He agrees to it begrudgingly. Amanda apparently doesn’t get a say in it.
LLV arrives at the restaurant where Blair is meeting up with the Brit. He can’t wait for her to go away with the family. She asks if it would get too cramped, with him sleeping with his stepmom and all. He says it’s happened only a few times. Then Wifey arrives and Blair instructs, Take a seat. WifeyDutchess responds, Beg your pardon? Blair answers, Not yet but you will, as she texts her the picture of Wifey and Brit mackin it. I. Love. Blair.
LLV arrives at Wifey’s house. She wants to speak to the Duke. She’s totally going to ruin everything. This is what happens when you’re homeschooled in Brooklyn.
Now Downer Dan, Amanda, and SluttySerena are on their date together. They’re talking about books. Actually, DownerDan and Amanda are and SluttySerena is being dumb. She goes to the bar to get some hard alcohol. The chickadees arrive and bring over boys. They offer to buy her a drink. She offers to get next round and then flings her hair around seductively while downing her martini. Dan isn’t even paying attention to her. Yet. Last time she drank, didn’t she wind up killing someone or something?
One of the guys comes back to the table with Slutty Serena and tells them all sports stories. Serena explains that DownerDan likes poets and letters to poets. Amanda goes to the bathroom and Serena goes for a drink. The guy says to Dan, Smokin hot, and Dan leaves to talk to Serena. He asks if this is her peace plan and she says it wasn’t planned. Then she starts crying, saying that just because they broke up doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him. He goes to touch her arm but can’t. He wants to stay away from her and for her to do the same. She says that he and Amanda should go. He asks if she’s ordering her to leave. She says it’s a suggestion because everyone there is her friend and it’s not his kind of place. And the real Serena comes out. Awesome. She walks away before he can respond.
ChuckSlime sidles up to Dan. Chuck is wearing a purple suit. Let me say that again. Chuck is wearing a purple suit. That’s not a metaphor. He’s wearing a purple suit. He wants to know what Dan is cashing out and leaving soon. The real Serena is about to come out. Dan says he’s seen enough but Chuck doesn’t think so.
Blair gets BoringNate to come over. She tells him that WifeyDutchess is a lying whore who’s sleeping with her stepson. She’s convinced them both to leave town. Wifey will pay the Captain’s restitution as long as Blair will keep her mouth shut. Then Wifey calls Blair and finds out that Long Lost Vanessa talked to the Duke. Way to go, LLV. You just ruined everything. EVERYTHING.
ChuckSlime, still in his purple suit, tells the chickadees that SluttySerena is making all this about DownerDan instead of blaming Amanda. He reminds them of the Danish exchange student in 9th grade and squirts some blue gel into a martini glass. I have no idea what’s going on.
JudgyLily arrives at The Poor House with a video of Pretty In Pink because Serena canceled on movie night. Rufus asks why she’s really there and she says that her life is in an empty house or crowded restaurant and she needs a friend. He apologizes and says he can’t be her friend. He says that he can’t be her safety net because she made her choice to be Mrs. Bass. Then Claire shows up and kisses Rufus right smack dab on the mouth. He introduces the two women. That was cold, Rufus. Now we know where Dan gets if from. Lily gives him a bottle of wine that used to be his favorite and walks out.
LLV is back at the gallery (wow they get around fast) and is trying to get Boring Nate to call her back. Blair storms in yelling. LLV thought Blair was doing nothing and says that the Duke promises that the Captain will be safe. Blair says that Nate was about to have his old life back and explains the plan that LLV messed up. Blair says that it’s all over for Nate thanks to LLV.
RandomGirl chickadee pours the weird martini concoction on Amanda’s hair and her hair starts to fall out. She makes weird sounds. DownerDan wants to help but Amanda runs out. Serena asks if she’s okay and says she didn’t plan it. Dan yells at Serena, saying that nothing is ever her fault. He says that she can’t see herself and this is who she is. He says at least the chickadees own up to it. Maybe Dan should also own up to being a tool and then everyone will be themselves for once. Serena tells the chickadees that from now on, everything goes through her. Queen Serena back again.
LLV finds BoringNate walking down the street. She apologizes. He doesn’t care about the money and he’s upset that she lied to him and confided in Dan and Blair. He needs to get to school. She asks if they can’t even be friends and he reminds her that they never were because she’s poor and homeschooled.
The chickadees are meanwhile going through KleptoJenny’s stuff and KJ says that they lack imagination. The chickadees say they’re still effective. KJ cleans out her locker.
DownerDan calls Amanda to apologize about the night before and says it wasn’t Serena even though he blamed her.
Meanwhile, ChuckSlime is sitting with Amanda. He planned for her to get Dan interested so that Serena would be jealous and become queen. This has something to do with Blair in some way. He heard that Amanda’s going to boarding school in Vermont. And then he leaves.
KJ arrives at the sweatshop to intern. The nasty woman believes that KJ has off from school so makes her clean tables.
Blair arrives to find the chickadees gushing over Serena. So much changes when you’re home sick from school. ChuckSlime tell Blair that Serena’s back on top. He knows exactly how that happened. Blair storms away.
DownerDan finds everyone in the courtyard staring at him. He asks around for Serena but no one will talk to him. At all. Mass exodus in the courtyard. Poverty has that effect. So does being a tool. Then Slutty Serena comes waltzing through, gives him a look, and walks away. This is the real Serena, queen of the sluts.