Shhhhhh, It’s a Secret!

Highlights: RockinRufus gets put in his place by his lying truant daughter KleptoJenny; DownerDan is a big tool who can’t write for shit; ChuckSlime is Chuck Bass; Father Slime is even slimier; NastyMom takes the credit; SluttySerena takes Blair’s light; BoringNate appears only in a commercial

It’s gettin’ good.  Real good.  So good that we’ve gotta jump right in.

It’s Fashion Week in New York!  White tents in Bryant Park!  Runways and high haut coutour.  Which means lots of work in the sweat shop.  Blaire is helping NastyMom with the seating arrangements of the media and VIPS who need to be seated based on who they are and aren’t dating.  Blair sat the girls from school in the second row.

The Poor Humphreys have no one but each other so they stroll the street together, talking about Lowly Dan’s plans because Dan is incredibly self-important and he barely sees KleptoJenny.  They talk about his writing and Yale and blah blah blah.  Dan’s a tool.  Who cares?  Then he leaves saying Ciao because he’s suddenly Italian.  KJ calls NastyWoman  to say she’s on the way to the sweat shop.

JudgyLily is checking out her art collection on her walls that she set up for Father Slime.  She notes that SluttySerena got in late last night and Serena says she was at the MoMa.  Then Lily goes back to her art and Serena knows all about Mapplethorpe because it’s kinda slutty.  Lily says she modeled for him and Serena thinks that’s cool because sluts run in the family.  (Honestly, I love Mapplethorpe and think he’s an artistic genius.  I don’t think he’s slutty, but I still think the Van der Woodsen’s are).

ChuckSlime catches up with Blair on the street and tries to stir the pot.  Blair says that Serena has been keeping her seat warm.  Now that it’s Fashion Week, Blair is totally on top.  The chickadees are thrilled about their seats at Fashion Week.  They’re even more thrilled with Serena being in a magazine with Poppy Rich Girl.  Blair storms away.  Chuck pops up and mocks her.  His scarf is back, by the way.  Blair says there’s a reason he’s always alone.  She points out that even Dan Humphrey has a friend in his own loser dad.  I love how she takes this opportunity to make a jab at Dan even when he has nothing to do with anything. 

Speaking of…DownerDan is all down and out.  He’s writing about being down and out.  His advisor complains that Dan is writing crap and Dan needs to do something new by learning something.  Dan knows nothing about danger.  His advisor advises that he have someone shoot something off his head.

NastyMom is complaining in the sweatshop.  NastyWoman is complaining that no good celebs are going to be seated at the show and they won’t have any press.  KleptoJenny suggests that they get Serena’s help because Serena has new friends in the magazine.

DownerDan arrives at ChuckSlime’s to talk to, well, Chuck.  Really?  Really.  He goes to the boy who tried to date rape his little sister.  Bygones!  Dan knows that Chuck thinks of him as a boring, sheltered nobody and Chuck corrects, “I don’t think of you.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Dan needs to experience new things and Chuck asks him, “Are you gay?”  Even more HIL.AIR.EEE.US!!!!!!  Especially since last season, Chuck had the whole break up with BoringNate, he would know.  Dan wants Chuck to get him out of his comfort zone.  He wants to experience the world of Chuck Bass.  Chuck agrees because he loves himself. 

Blair runs home and complains to her servant lady that SluttySerena is taking over her spot because Serena was in a magazine.  The chickadees don’t realize that that Blair gets them into fashion week.  Then she goes ballistic because KleptoJenny changed the seating chart and put Serena in the front row with Poppy Rich Girl. 

NastyMom thinks the changes are marvelous and praises KleptoJenny.  Blair says that Slutty Serena will be backstage with her and that Poppy Rich Girl and all her friends will be at the Marc Jacobs show which is at the same time.  Blair then rats KleptoJenny out because KJ has been saying that she has an independent study when really she’s skipping class.  Blair accosts KJ in the hallway and KJ says she didn’t know Blair made the chart.  Poor Jenny.  Literally and figuratively.

Meanwhile, Downer Dan is getting on ChuckSlime’s nerves as they drink.  Chuck does his sexy whispery thing, telling Dan he’s gotta go all or nothing, go down the rabbit hole or walk out the door.  Downer Dan takes the pill Chuck hands him and downs it with a shot.  Ah, I love references to Alice In Wonderland.  Fun Fact: C. S. Lewis was a huge pervy perv! 

Over at the Van der Woodsen’s, Poppy Rich Girl is sitting pretty with Slutty Serena and Judgy Lily.  Serena thinks Blair will be mad if she goes with Poppy instead of Blair.  Poppy and Lily don’t agree with Serena, and Lily likes Poppy because Poppy has money and status, more than Blair does, and it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known Blair because this isn’t about loyalty.  Lily gets a phone call about some art work that she can’t buy but desperately wants.  This has got Rockin Rufus’s Poor Gallery-Cafe-Gallery written all over it. 

Blair arrives at the Poor House, telling RockinRufus that she’s got chicken soup for KleptoJenny because KJ’s been sick and out of school.  Rockin Rufus says that Blair knows KJ’s been working for her mom.  Blair says that the fact is that KJ hasn’t been to school in two weeks.

DownerDan is falling in love with ChuckSlime.  He’s in the back of Chuck’s limo, gushing about what a good time he’s had.  Chuck Slime tells him to take off his shoes and get out.  Tonight was nothing, Chuck’s amusement.  He leaves Downer Dan “shoeless and clueless.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.

RockinRufus arrives at the sweat shop to scold KleptoJenny for not going to school.  He says that her fashion days are over because he pays tens of thousands of dollars for her to go to the school that she’s not going to.  He makes her leaves even though NastyMom is counting on her.  Gossip Girl says that one minute you’re in, and the next you’re out.  Because that’s what Heidi Klum says on Project Runway!

Umm, if you go to CW11.com, you can see Rockin Rufus (Matthew Settle) talk about his butt.  I don’t know what that’s all about, but that’s what the commercial says.  Moving on.  AND Boring Nate (Chase Crawford) is in some horror thriller movie.  He may make it boring or he may surprise us all.  AND the girl who plays Naomi from the new 90210 is in it too.

The waffles are back!  The waffles are back!  RockinRufus makes waffles and KleptoJenny says that she’s keeping up with the assignments and homework.  Rufus calls her a liar and a truant.  She apologizes and says she wanted to help NastyMom and she’s good at it.  Rufus had to convince the head mistress that she shouldn’t be expelled.  He makes her get dressed and go to school on Saturday because poor people need to do things like that.

SluttySerena arrives at Blair’s because Blair won’t answer her calls.  Blair is angry that Serena is abondoning tradition.  Serena says that NastyMom asked her to do a favor to sit in the front row, and that she won’t go.  She was going to invite Blair to hang out and Blair doesn’t want to be included.  Serena then changes her mind.  She will sit front row!  She will enjoy it!

Heeheee.  DownerDan’s story still sucks.  The advisor likes the character based on ChuckSlime.  Dan won’t write a story from Chuck’s point of view. Charlie Trout is the character.  The advisor says that he needs to draw out the secrets of Chuck to write a good story.  Because Dan sucks. 

Meanwhile, KleptoJenny is at school in her Saturday best, which includes a neon pink Hawaiian lei.  NastyMom needs her but she can’t go.

JudgyLily finds out that FatherSlime must have bought the Mapplethorpe that she’s been trying to buy.  She’s surprised that he, her husband, knows her so well.

SluttySerena is at Fashion Week and she’s enjoying it!  She and Poppy Rich Girl arrive.  They find that their seats have been moved to the back.  KleptoJenny arrives in her pink lei and says that they should sit in the front.  NastyMom scolds Blair for moving the seats and tells her to go backstage.  She praises KJ because she obviously hates her own daughter.

ChuckSlime calls his dad because he wants to have a drink when FatherSlime comes home tonight.  FatherSlime gets another call and is jetlagged.  Basically, it’s a no. DownerDan of course overhears all this and stands there with his mouth hanging open, catchin’ flies.  He mocks Chuck because, say it with me, Dan’s a tool.

KleptoJenny puts her afterparty dress in the back.  Blair asks what KleptoJenny is in charge of.  Calling models out onto the runway?  Blair’s gonna take care of that instead.  So either she’s going to do a great job to impress her mother or a horrible job and blame it on KJ.  Really, either way, Blair screws over KJ, which is her ultimate goal.

Dan The Tool presses ChuckSlime to find out about his childhood and his father.  Chuck says that Father Slime is like him only older and meaner.  Chuck is bored and goes to hit on some blonde.  He wants to give her cash up front and she’s not a hooker.  Oops.  Some other dude comes over and is pissed off that Chuck thought his girlfriend is a hooker. Chuck says she dresses like a call girl.  Dan steps in and punches the guy out.  So Dan protects the guy who tried to date rape his sister.

Meanwhile in the poor house, RockinRufus gets a message from the head mistress.  She spoke to Jennifer and the situation is out of control.  Rufus silently broods.

At the fashion show, KleptoJenny accosts Blair, wanting to know where the models are.  Blair sent them home because they were overbooked.  Not really.  Blair’s doing.  NastyMom is going to pass out but KJ has an idea.

ChuckSlime and DownerDan are now in jail.  Dan thinks RockinRufus will kill him.  Chuck’s dad will be only slightly annoyed to make a phone call to his lawyer.  Dan says that Chuck’s dad can’t be a baby hater.  Chuck says that his mom died giving birth to him, so Father Slime hates him.  Then the cops release Chuck and he says that he’ll see if his lawyer can get Dan out too.  Because now they’re best friends who share secrets!

FatherSlime arrives home and has missed JudgyLily.  She’s going to lock him up.  He gives her an emerald necklace.  She’s surprised because she was expecting the Mapplethorpe.  He says he did buy it but not for her.  He’s a powerful man.  He’s a target.  He needs to protect his family.  She figures out that he’s had a private detective make up a dossier of who she is and she wants to see it. 

NastyMom is flipping out at the show.  Instead of models, they’re using the socialites.  They all walk the runway like models.  Slutty Serena’s hair is in a non-frizzy afro, and she doesn’t want to walk out.  Poppy Rich Girl says that Serena is always trying to make Blair better by not shining and that Serena should be more sparkly.  Serena shouldn’t hide her light. Who talks like this?  She says that Blair will support her if Blair’s a true friend.  Serena wants to go out now so Blair hands her a dress. 

SluttySerena walks the runway in a green dress that has a tutu skirt thingie on it.  Serena’s dress isn’t an Eleanor Waldorf.  It’s KleptoJenny’s dress.  Because once again, even though Serena’s a foot taller than Jenny is, they fit into the same size and are interchangeable.

KleptoJenny asks Blair why she can’t just claim her throne and leave KJ alone.  Blair just can’t!  KJ deduces that it’s all about SluttySerena.  She says that Serena glides through and she and Blair need to work at things.  KJ wants Blair to be her friend for a reason.  They both have to work.

At the police station, ChuckSlime accidentally gets DownerDan’s possession.  He finds the story of Charlie Trout.

JudgyLily finds that FatherSlime has all her old love letters.  She wants her children to know their mother and she’s not ashamed that she slept with a professor.  He asks if “this” is something she wants them to know and hands over a piece of paper that makes her tear up.  She wants to know where he got it.

ChuckSlime goes back to the cell to say he’s going to make a Humphrey Sandwich.  He says that his mother died in a plane crash in the Andes when he was six.  So there!  Write about that, tool!

NastyMom is scolding KleptoJenny about the dress.  The critics loved it.  KJ says she used scraps of fabric and NastyMom’s old designs.  She doesn’t want to take credit for a dress made by a child.  Blair tells her mom to take her bow because KJ saved the show.  So NastyMom takes the credit.  All of it.  All of KJ’s hard work.  Then one of the workers won’t let RockinRufus in and KJ refuses to put him on the list because she’s now richer than he is.

Downer Dan gets his advisor to bail him out because RockinRufus is too poor.  The advisor is nostalgic for his criminal past and is proud that Dan mixed it up.  Downer Dan decides not to exploit ChuckSlime’s story and wants to be safe rather than use people.  The advisor tells Dan that he’ll always be second rate.  Dan wants to write a story about how an advisor tries to live vicariously through his student.  Good one, Dan, you’re a tool.

At the after party, NastyMom toasts to KleptoJenny, who made the entire show a success.  In the background, RockinRufus overhears and glows proudly at his liar, truant daughter.

Blair finds SluttySerena.  Serena is mad about the dress.  Blair apologizes because she was hurt that Serena blew off their tradition.  Serena says to get over it and she’s tired to hold herself back so she won’t outshine Blair. Serena says she’s going to be who she is and Blair needs to support it or not.

RockinRufus makes KJ walk out because he doesn’t want his children repeating his mistakes.  KJ thinks she’s more talented than he is because he career didn’t take off when he was young.  This family is so loving.  He hopes she’s successful but only after she finishes school.  KJ doesn’t want to finish school and she told the head mistress she’s not going back.

Montage!  About secrets!  ChuckSlime stares at the Charlie Trout story, a reflection of himself.  DownerDan types away at his computer, guaranteed to write a horrible story.  KleptoJenny curls up with her garments.  FatherSlime drapes the emerald necklace around JudgyLily’s neck.  They’ve all got secrets or are exploiting secrets or are burying the secrets of others.  Blair gives Serena the death stare as Serena pouts and poses for the paparazzi; Blair’s waiting for Serena’s star to fall. 

I smell cat fight.  Do you?