Ivy League Lovin’
Highlights: Blair hits SluttySerena in the head with a handbag. Really, that’s the only highlight worth highlighting. All the others pale in comparison. I heart Blair in that non-sexual girl-crush way. Still, other highlights include: KleptoJenny turns RockinRufus onto slave labor; BoringNate falls in love again; DowerDan is King Tool
Since I’ve had two weeks to ponder the last episode, I have a bit more to say. That whole SluttySerena always dimming her lights as to not outshine Blair… Hmmm, exactly who was the one person who truly helped Serena with that whole murder thing? Blair! Yeah, that’s right, Serena. Plus we all know that you have only dim bulbs anyway.
What’s better than following every action minute-by-minute of our Upper East Sider High School Elite? Following them to COLLEGE! No, they haven’t graduated yet, but they are visiting their colleges of choice. Or college, singular, since they’re all visiting Yale. Beware of the ivy, kids. It’s not poisonous, but your classmates lurking behind those ivied walls are.
Oh. My. God. I’m starting to sound like Gossip Girl. Moving on.
Blair is that chick from My Fair Lady. She can’t get rid of her cockney accent. Yet SluttySerena has the best accent because she has light now. This is all Blair’s dream, of course. She wakes to see her servant lady bringing in breakfast as directed by NastyMom, which means that Blair should barf it up afterwards because Blair’s a fatty. Blair can’t wait to attend the Yale Dean’s reception because she can make Larry King cry. She can’t wait to be around people like herself, who are, by definition, people not like SluttySerena, when Blair walks through the gates of Yale. Speaking of, who’s gracing the front page of some silly newspaper?
SluttySerena wants to go to Brown. JudgyLily tells her to visit Yale because Serena got a hand-written invitation to go. Serena knows Blair will be there and doesn’t want to be where Blair is because they’re not speaking to each other. Then Lily tells Serena not to hide the paper because she’s already seen it and the reporters refer to Lily as Serena’s unidentified friend.
Blair bemoans the existence of Serena. Servant lady tells Blair that Marc Jacobs named a purse after Serena. I bet it’s called a slutbag!
Serena and Lily fawn over two dresses that they’ve received from Blair’s mom from the new collection.
DownerDan is stressing over the color of paper. RockinRufus tells Dan that he has perfect grades and something is wrong with Yale if they don’t choose Dan because grades are all he needs. Rufus is forgetting that they’re poor and they also need money to go to Yale.
ChuckSlime can’t wait to rape co-eds in bunk beds. BoringNate doesn’t want to go to Yale; he wants to go to USC. Chuck wants them to make their own freshman fifteen. I’m guessing that again he means raping 15 girls. Then he tells Nate that Yale has a great secret society and that’s the real reason he wants to go.
All the kiddies arrive at school before heading out to Yale, Harvard, and Brown. The guy in charge tells them that they are ambassadors. DownerDan hopes that Yale at least likes his stories. ChuckSlime retorts by making fun of Dan for riding the bus. See? Even when it’s apropos of nothing, making fun of Dan is fun!
Blair tells SluttySerena she can’t wait for Serena to come home from Brown as a crunchy vegan with dreadlocks. Serena says that not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf. Blair says not everyone can be. How much do I love Blair? Serena insists that Brown is Ivy League and Blair says that Serena isn’t smart enough for Yale. So Serena calls her mom to say she’s going to Yale instead of Brown.
Oh, jeez. Long Lost Vanessa arrives at the Poor House in Brooklyn. RockinRufus tells KleptoJenny that she cannot be homeschooled like LLV is. KJ wants him to go intern with her for just a day to see what it’s like. He agrees because he’s a child and has no authority.
DownerDan tells the Yale admissions guy that he has something to say. The admissions guy says, then say it! Heehee. Even strangers beat up on Dan. Dan uses words like flourish and thrive. The admissions guy likes his synonyms but points out that DD has only one rec letter and needs more. Karma! All those writers DD thought he was above because of his toolness! Hahaha! No rec from the last writer who DD thought was exploiting him and not even an acknowledgment of knowing him from the guy over the summer who DD ditched for The Hamptons. The admissions guy tells DD to go to the English Dept, have someone read his stuff, and get a rec letter from there.
BoringNate and ChuckSlime lounge on the grass on campus. Chuck is waiting for the secret society to find him. A bunch of girls walk by and, surprisingly, Nate leaves Chuck to his own devices and chases after the girls. Then, ChuckSlime goes from Big Man On High School Campus to Low Man Fucked Sideways On The College Totem Pole in 3.2 seconds. “We’ve been waiting for you” is never something you want to hear, at least not when you’re Chuck Bass. The guys in the secret society of rich people throw a bag over his head and take him away as he kicks and struggles and shouts.
Blair waits outside the Dean’s office all prim and proper. She hears him laughing and the secretary says that the Dean hasn’t laughed like that ever. SluttySerena walks out of the Dean’s office with a huge smile on her face. Behind that smile is the satisfaction of pissing off Blair coupled with the satisfaction of having offered up her best blow job yet. I’m speculating, of course; I can’t guarantee her satisfaction.
BoringNate and the girl he ran after are on a bench, talking about electives. She likes sex and art and he can’t believe that’s a class. The guy eavesdropping next to them asks if he knows Nate Archibald because Nate goes to the school he mentioned and the guy was talking about Captain Archibald in econ class. BoringNate wants to see the rest of campus and the girl asks him his name. He says, Daaaan, Humphrey. I suppose Chuck Bass is too notorious. No one would second guess his being a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn.
Now ChuckSlime is in a dark room with the boys in black. Bow chicka bow wow! No, it’s not a gay cult, but I’m sure Nate would be incredibly jealous if he knew about this. They tell Chuck that he’s a prime candidate for their group because he’s slept with Maxim girls. They mention John Mayer. Chuck wants to throw a party. If this is what being in a secret society is about, it’s pretty stupid.
The Dean likes Blair’s application but wants to know something about her that’s not in her packet. He says that the young lady before her was in a fashion show for the fun of it. Heh heh. Blair calls herself traditional and the Dean thinks tradition is stuffy. Blair admits she lacks some grace with strangers, she’s not full of surprises, and her hair doesn’t sparkle, so the Dean should rely on her folder. He tells her to find something to do on campus and runs back into his office after sending her away.
Outside, Blair accosts SluttySerena, Serena gets a call that invites her to the Dean’s gathering and she tells Blair that she’s the last invite. Why would the secretary tell her that? Dumb. Blair bemoans, of all the things Serena has taken—Nate, the Chickadees, NastyMom—Serena is being cruelest by taking Yale. Blair promises to take her down. SluttySerena would like to see her try. This encounter takes place with Serena standing on a step so that she towers over Blair by three feet instead of her normal foot and a half ginormity.
Because the Humphreys need to make even more money to send DownerDan to Yale, now both KleptoJenny AND RockinRufus are in the sweatshop. KJ is very busy. NastyMom barely gives Rufus a glance but he insists on having her help him. He wants her to fire KleptoJenny so he can gain back some of the leverage he’s lost as a parental figure. NastyMom refuses to fire her. She asks if he had dreams and how he would have made them wait if he had the opportunity to fulfill them at 15. She’s got ya there, RR!
ChuckSlime runs into SluttySerena on campus and reminds her that Brown is in Rhode Island. She says she’s been invited to the Dean’s special party. He reveals that the Dean will ask who she wants to have dinner with dead or alive and tells her that Blair’s answer is George Sand becaus that’s the Dean’s favorite writer. Serena doesn’t want to use Blair’s answer and wants to give up her slot to Blair but she continues to listen and take copious notes about what Chuck is telling her. Chuck is suprised Serena’s alive and in tact considering Blair didn’t get an invite.
BoringNate is still pretending to be DownerDan. He didn’t simply use Dan’s name; he’s completely stealing Dan’s identity, calling himself a writer. Mid-make-out, the girl asks his thoughts on Marquez. NateDan is too pretty to have a real opinion.
The real DownerDan arrives at the girl’s door because the English Dept. sent him over. She works in the dept (a T. A.? I wasn’t really paying attention) and can give him a rec letter if she reads and likes his stories. Nate keeps motioning for Dan to say nothing but Dan says, Nate? The girl is like, No, that’s Dan Humphrey. So Dan gets all uppity and proclaims that the guy in her bed is Nate Archibald and that he himself is Dan Humphrey of the Poor Humphreys of Brooklyn.
The two boys file out with BoringNate upset with DownerDan for interupting his heterosexual rendevous with a real live girl who isn’t a married couger duchess. DD says that he won’t help out when his own educational future is at stake. Nate tells him to knock the chip off his shoulder. Thank you, Nate! You may be boring, but at least you’re not a condescending tool. DD says it’s not okay to pretend to be him. Nate says it’s no wonder why Serena dumped him. Ooooh, ice.
Blair finds the Dean’s secretary and demands an invitation. The secretary says no. Blair tells the secretary that she has salt and pepper shaker cats on hold for her at Christie’s auction house (okay, I’m not sure what they are but that’s what they look like). The secretary takes the bribe and gives Blair the invitation.
RockinRufus is impressed with KleptoJenny’s work and professionalism. He still wants her in school, though. School’s too important. BTW—this whole time, Fashionista KJ has been sportin’ a Christmas tablecloth. He’s surprised she isn’t yelling. She says he did what he said he would—he watched her awkwardly in the sweatshop for a day and asked her boss to get rid of her so she can’t complain. She has a final errand of the day and asks him to take her and he agrees.
Blair arrives at the Dean’s party. SluttySerena can’t believe she’s there. Blair can’t believe Serena stole her answer to the Dean’s quiz. Serena says that she’ll get to answer first because the Dean goes in alphabetical order. Blair eyes the bowl of their answers.
ChuckSlime has set up a party with girls who don’t speak English who work in threes. The guys in black want to test his loyalty to them. They want him to bring them Nate Archibald because the Capt. Archibald screwed up all their dads’ trust funds.
BoringNate calls ChuckSlime, saying he’s done with Yale. Everyone hates him because of what his father did. Okay, that does suck because he’s being blamed for the sins of his father. He also complains that everything is DownerDan’s fault. Also true. He wants Chuck to meet him off campus at Mike’s Bar. ChuckSlime hangs up and tells the guys that it’s done. No, I don’t believe that Chuck is going to turn on Nate. He’s got something cookin.
Blair loves Sir Thomas Moore. Serena likes popes as well as her tutors. This is a dumb party. Blair has a backup answer for the Dean’s quiz. The dean announces something in Latin which means that the quiz will now begin.
Meanwhile, on a semi-dark part of campus, the secret society attacks DownerDan, stripping off his clothes. He screams like a little girl.
The Dean gets to SluttySerena’s answer. He reads that Pete Fairman is the person living or dead that she’d like to have dinner with. He says he’s unfamiliar with that person and wants to know who it is. As Serena sputters, Blair answers for her matter-of-factly—He’s the man she killed. OH. MY. GOD. BRILLIANT!!!!!! Blair changed the answer and revealed Serena’s murderous side. Ah, I love friendship.
SluttySerena says Pete was a man she knew. Blair interjects, man slash dealer. Serena says he died but she’s not responsible. Blair asks if she’s responsible for the sex tape, which isn’t all that sexy. Serena drags Blair away as Blair calls out her perfect quiz answer.
Serena yells at Blair for using a dead guy for leverage. Blair says it’s not a game because Yale is her dream. She says Serena crossed the line with Yale and Serena says Blair crossed the line with Pete. Since when is she so into defending the guy she killed? Serena thinks that Blair should take her problems with Serena’s being there to the school and storms away. Blair does what any normal girl would do—she throws her clutch at Serena’s head, and hits her dead on, I might add. Serena can’t believe Blair did that.
They get into a pushing match and tell each other to shut up. Then it’s a Dynasty moment. Hair is everywhere. Legs and shoes scuffle. Serena hates Blaire’s stupid headband and uses her ginormity to pound Blair on the head with her own purse.
Back in New York, JudgyLily is trying on the black Waldorf dress. KleptoJenny arrives to drop off something she left out of the garment bag. She tells RockingRufus that Lily isn’t home, but then Lily appears in the dress. KJ offers to get Lily a pair of matching shoes from the closet. Lily says everyone is out of the house, including SuicidalGayEric and his new friend, meaning boyfriend hopefully. That kid needs someone to lean on. Rufus says he likes her house and her dress. Lily tells him that his daughter made the dress and he’s lucky to have a daughter with such talent so young, kind of like what he had with music. KJ comes back with some gold strappy sandals. RockinRufus tells JudgyLily that no matter what she wears, she looks fantastic.
BoringNate phone stalks ChuckSlime from the bar. The boys in black walk in, bragging that they got Nate Archibald. BoringNate gets pretty angry—and by that, I mean he gets angry and remains oh so pretty— and starts a brawl with them saying that he’s Nate Archibald and they don’t have to wait until next year to want to kick his ass. And then in the dumbest move I’ve ever scene in bar-fight history, Nate throws a three-foot-high stool on the floor as he runs away and the guys running after him actually see this stool as an obstacle and fall down all around it as if it weren’t a stool but a PrettyBoyForceField.
DownerDan finds himself tied around a statue in his boxers. He calls out to people passing by for help and is not happy with his choice in underwear. BoringNate arrives to untie him and says that the guys thought Dan was Nate and Dan, in all his toolness, says, Well I wasn’t the one pretending to be you. Nate should leave him there. Then the girl from before arrives to find them and says she can get the knot out since her mom was in the Navy.
At the Dean’s house, Blair picks up the contents of her purse. SluttySerena doesn’t want to do this anymore because betrayal is exhausting. Blair is sick of being Darth Vader to her Sunshine Barbie; she says life is too short and Serena makes it feel so long. Omigod, that’s like the worst thing to say to someone. Serena thinks they shouldn’t be friends and Blair agrees. Now they’re no longer friends and no longer frenemies.
In the poor part of town, Long Lost Vanessa and RockinRufus are staring at each other across the breakfast bar. Rufus breaks away long enough to tell KleptoJenny that his dreams of being a young musician were killed by his parents and he wants to be a much cooler parent than they were. LLV hands over the papers for homeschooling. KJ shrieks with joy.
SluttySerena runs into Blair near the Yale Dean’s office. She’d told the Dean that Blair deserves to go there. Blair was about to do the same thing for Serena. They reminisce about how Blair used to beat up little girls and decide that they should be friends after all.
BoringNate, DownerDan, and the English Dept. girl are walking through campus. Nate hopes that she can help Dan get a recommendation letter. She’s going to try. Dan is delighted since all his has are his dreams—dreams are free. BoringNate apologizes for his tool impersonation and she tells him to swing by if he’s on campus again. She kisses him and leaves. Then Downer Dan says that Nate does a better Dan Humphrey than Dan himself does. So DD is taking all the credit for the girl taking interest in Nate. Sure, Dan. Whatever.
ChuckSlime is packing up and the secret society is upset that they got the wrong guy. Chuck says it was the right guy for him and reveals incriminating photos taken by the girls the night before. He says the future leaders of America are now under the control of Chuck Bass: “I own you.” That’s sooooo Chuck.
BoringNate is waiting for ChuckSlime at the limo. Chuck says he missed Nate last night. Awww, he must be nostalgic for the times before the huge break up in the middle of the street. Nate thinks that was Chuck’s plan all along to keep Nate out of the way and points to DownerDan across the lawn who is walking around clueless. Awwww, Nate has a new crush. He thinks DownerDan is pretty cool and decides to take the train back to New York with his new boyfriend.
Blair and Serena walk around campus, bemoaning the fact that they’ll both have to go to Hunter. Serena gets a call from the Dean who asks her to enroll during early admission. Serena asks about Blair and he says Blair has to wait until Spring and wants to put out a press release that Serena visited Yale. Serena tells Blair that she won’t accept the spot and Blair says she has to. Serena wants to do it all together.
Gossip Girl talks about dreams forgotten, outgrown, and coming true. JudgyLily changes her dress. KleptoJenny toils in the sweatshop. New boyfriends BoringNate and DownerDan buddy it up in the quad as ChuckSlime looks on from the limo. Gossip Girl comments that some of us just have nightmares. That includes me—The Toolship of the Cockring with BoringNate and DownerDan may be too much to handle.
Blair then heads for her own car to go home, turning around for one last forlorn look at what could be her last glimpse of Yale.