Love Is Poor, Love Is Gay (and Lust Is All Over)
Highlights: BoringNate and DownerDan secure their love with a date; SluttySerena complains complains complains; LongLostVanessa teams up with ChuckSlime; Blair denies being a horndog; SuicidalEric’s boyfriend comes out to play
SluttySerena comes into family breakfast to find that FatherSlime has returned and he and JudgyLily have some new rules for the family. No staying out late on weeknights and she must wear a Parisian suit that FatherSlime bought for her. They will be having a house warming party so they can debut as a family and SuicidalEric and his darker hair gets to bring a friend. Finally we get to see his boyfriend! Serena can’t believe her mom is making rules and stuff.
In the Poor House, Long Lost Vanessa and KleptoJenny are cutting up fliers to save a speakeasy in Brooklyn. DowerDan doesn’t think anyone at his school would feel guilty about being rich so no one will help. Then they notice that he has a soccer ball in his bag. His new boyfriend, BoringNate, asked him to try out for the team, so of course DD is going to. Can’t upset the new boy toy.
Remember when SluttySerena wore a silk dress on the beach in the Hamptons? Remember when the girls suddenly had semi-school uniforms? Today, as Serena and SuicidalEric walk to school, she’s sportin a matching silky silver cardigan and has the belt wrapped around her neck as a tie. Yeah. Anyway, she’s complaining about the rules and Eric is trying to get her to see the bright side—at least she doesn’t have to deal with being suicidal and gay. Serena still doesn’t like the rules because JudgyLily chooses to do whatever her new men want to do like ski, have colonics, and convert to Islam. Serena doesn’t think her mom should decide what the children are allowed to do.
Awww! Yeay!!! New boyfriends DownerDan and BoringNate are strolling the school halls together; they both have their shirts untucked and their ties askew. BN compliments DD on his soccer skills. ChuckSlime arrives in his scarf (it’s about time that thing is back!) and now not even BN wants anything to do with him. You see, since BoringNate is now poor, he needs to stick to his own kind, even if no one else knows that he’s lost all his money.
Blair walks by in time to see ChuckSlime get the brush off and delights in his having no friends and not being able to sleep with her again. Even though her body wants him, her brains know better. She goes off to a disciplinary hearing….
For one of the girls at the steps. RandomGirl and Chickadee are scolding some girl for wearing the wrong outfit. The girl says, I didn’t realize–. Then Blair yells, That tights are not pants?!?!?! Hil. Air. Eee. Us!!!
LongLostVanessa arrives to ask Blair to help her save the speakeasy. Blair tells her that charity is for diseases, not NYC real estate. LLV blackmails Blair with the picture of WifeyDuchess and The Brit making out and threatens to show it to everyone to show why Blair and he broke up. Blair takes a clipboard to have people sign a petition to help LLV.
ChuckSlime finds SluttySerena lounging in her room, reading a book, obeying the new rules since SuicidalEric convinced her. Chuck explains that the new rules don’t apply to him so he’s on his way out. He says that his dad is trying to impress some new clients by showing his family shares their values. Serena is not going to have values. Instead, she frolics out of her room in a short-short, red, plunging-neckline dress and tells FatherSlime she’s not wearing underwear and is ready to find some tabloids so she can get a crotchshot on Page 6.
ChuckSlime meanwhile arrives at Blair’s house. She wants him to seduce and humiliate LongLostVanessa because LLV is now annoying Blair way too much. She thinks that since DownerDan stole Chuck’s best friend, Chuck should steal DD’s. Plus, Chuck will be able to do the impossible—the only person LLV hates more than Blair is Chuck Bass. Then she says Chuck has erectile dysfunction. He kisses Blair on the cheek and saunters out.
SluttySerena and Blair are having lunch the next day in what looks like Tavern On The Green but probably isn’t because no Upper East Sider would actually eat there. Serena thinks Blair still has a thing for Chuckslime. SuicidalEric comes in and introduces Jonathan, his boyfriend. The girls’ mouths drop open and they get all giggly and giddy. FINALLY! Eric’s boyfriend is HOT. Maybe he’ll stay away from the suicide game for a while. And maybe the hot boyfriend will do something about Eric’s ever-darkening hair. He looks sickly. SuicidalEric has invited Jonathan to the housewarming. Jonathan has already met Chuck. Seriously, I really love the brotherly relationship Chuck and Eric have, and it’s so right that Chuck has met Jonathan first. SluttySerena wants to hear all about how the two of them met. I’m sure it has nothing to do with them fiddling with their ties on a busy street in broad daylight.
Over in the poor part of town, DownerDan is bragging about his stupid soccer skills to KleptoJenny, who is mighty tan for someone who’s been slaving away in a sweatshop for the past few weeks. She’s happy that DD finally has guy friends. He insists that he has other guy friends. Right now, I’m realizing that Dan has absolutely no friends, guys or girls. Not even LLV, really, since RockinRufus has stolen her away. Plus, RockinRufus claims to be DD’s friend but dad’s can’t count and neither can freaky dolls like Cedric, DD’s boy doll. To prove that he has friends, DD calls up BoringNate and I guess it’s a real call even though it seems fake and I’m surprised they didn’t tell him so. DD first has to explain that he’s Dan, Dan Humphrey, and then sets up a place to meet up later and says “Love you” and hangs up. Okay, okay, he says “love it” because it’s too early in their relationship for those three little words. They’re going to “Play soccer” later. Here, “play soccer” is obviously code for “dry hump like crazy.” KJ and RR wonder if Cedric is invited and mock DD relentlessly. Ah, family love.
LLV is hanging with older and older men every episode. Her new friend is the guy who wants to save the speakeasy, and I’m pretty sure he’s in his 60s. ChuckSlime arrives and wants to buy the building but keep it the same. LLV doesn’t trust him and wants landmark status. Then someone throws a tomato at Chuck to make him leave. Chuck storms away in his limo.
SluttySerena arrives home and JudgyLily tells her not to be childish and Serena says she’s being treated like a child. Umm, isn’t that the way a family works? Serena wants to defy FatherSlime and Lily explains that he’s her husband so all the rules are from both of them. Serena says that FatherSlime is not her father and last year they were almost a real family. Lily says Serena could benefit from structure and she should have insisted on it three years ago. Serena suggests that was three husbands ago and decides not to go to the party later.
DownerDan arrives at BoringNate’s house and finds the seized notice. He then trespasses and finds the place deserted except for a pillow and a sleeping bag in the middle of the living room. Then he gets a call from BN who’s waiting for him in the park to “play soccer.”
ChuckSlime arrives at Blair’s to tell her that the deal is off. Blair still wants LongLostVanessa destroyed but Chuck says there’s not enough in it for him. She ups the ante and offers to prostitute herself if Chuck reconsiders. He unties her robe and says they have a deal. He can’t wait to date rape her.
LongLostVanessa arrives at ChuckSlime’s house because she saw his proposal for buying the building and keeping it a landmark and she thinks that she still shouldn’t trust him. He says she can go on a website to insult him. Heehee. He changes out of his smoking jacket for her.
Blair is putting on a dress that ChuckSlime bought for her as SluttySerena complains that JudgyLily dated two guys named Klauss. She says that FatherSlime is the worst because he’s a hypocrite.
In the park, BoringNate and DownerDan are on their date, talking about their dads. DD wants to learn how to do that cool bounce the ball on your knee trick from BN. BN instead asks him if he’s going to the house warming and DD says he didn’t plan on it since he wasn’t invited. BN seems surprised because he thought DD would at least still be kind of speaking to SluttySerena. BN wants to stay home and watch a movie but he can’t invite DD since the housekeeper hasn’t been around. And now he’s poor but he won’t admit it. To prove he’s not poor, he buys DD a drink. Ah, how gentlemanly. I guess BN is the man in the relationship, which I find quite surprising.
ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy with LLV and the old man knows Joe Kennedy, who Chuck admires for being a womanizer. The guy reminisces about the gangsters who had style and thinks Chuck would fit in. Chuck thinks that’s the nicest compliment.
DownerDan calls KleptoJenny to tattle to her about his boyfriend BoringNate’s living situation. They don’t understand why he’s not living with Chuck, as if Dan wouldn’t get all jealous. They concoct a plan to invite BN over for dinner because RockinRufus is making chili and everyone who hears about it is required to go, which makes no sense, and while he’s at the Humphrey Home, they will convince him to stay, preferably in DD’s bed naked. When BN gives DD his water, DD tells BN he has to come to dinner and that Scattergories will be involved.
SluttySerena runs into SuicidalEric’s boyfriend Jonathan at her house and finds out that FatherSlime said that the house warming was family only. Which it isn’t.
At the speakeasy, LLV likes that ChuckSlime is going to save the place and she apologizes for being wrong about him. He gets a text from Blair and he tells LLV that she should come to the housewarming. He’ll send a car because she’s poor and has no transportation.
Oh. My. God. My new favorite music video? The Chuck Bass montage to Britney’s Womanizer. AWESOME!!!!
The Bass-van-der-Woodsen house warming is more of an upscale gala event where JugdyLily is wearing a prom dress and SluttySerena is wearing the Paris suit. Serena asks FatherSlime why SuicidalEric couldn’t bring his boyfriend. He suggests she speak to Eric.
Blair finds ChuckSlime and she still wants him to crush LongLostVanessa even though he’s really buying the building. LLV shows up, happy to not have brought a poor casserole. FatherSlime pulls Chuck away from them both.
Meanwhile at the poor house, BoringNate is impressed with KleptoJenny for leaving school to work at the sweatshop. RockinRufus asks BN how things are with his dad being locked up. DD changes the subject to brag about his boyfriend’s soccer skills. BN likes living alone right now where the memories are.
At the housewarming, FatherSlime is angry that ChuckSlime is buying the speakeasy. Chuck tries to show why it’s a good idea, but FatherSlime hates his son no matter what and Chuck isn’t worth anything.
BoringNate tries to leave and DownerDan desperately tries to tempt him to stay with Scattergories. DD admits that he saw the squalor at BN’s place and BN gets all mad that DD broke in. DD says that KleptoJenny wants him to stay, too, if BN wants to act straight for a while. BN is appalled that they think he’s the Humphrey Family Charity Case. He says, “We hung out at Yale and played soccer once. So what?” Harsh! BN is so nasty when he breaks up with people. He storms out.
LongLostVanessa tells ChuckSlime that he deserves to be treated much better than how his dad treats him. Chuck says that his father knows him better than LLV does and makes some good points. He wants LLV to stay and she starts falling for his act. Or is he going all BoringNate on us and really falling for her too? Blair looks on all jealous.
Meanwhile, SluttySerena is complaining about FatherSlime to SuicidalEric because that’s all she does. She insists that FatherSlime didn’t want Jonathan there because it would ruin their family image even though Eric is telling her point blank that it was his own decision because he didn’t want to come out of the closet in a national magazine unless that magazine was The Advocate or something. A reporter comes over to ask them questions about their family being close-knit. Serena takes that as a personal insult and tells the reporter about how JudgyLily constantly left her and Eric to run off with random men, some of whom were coke-heads. Lily’s hair looks like a helmet. Serena realizes that it’s not FatherSlime she hates; instead, she hates her mother.
Blair finds ChuckSlime to call off the bet on the grounds of boredom. He thinks Blair is worried with having to go through with sleeping with him because he’s making headway.
JudgyLily is complaining to SuicidalEric that SluttySerena went off in front of the reporters. Eric explains to Lily, his mother, that she wasn’t ever there. She says there was a lot going on in her life and she’s doing the best she can. He says she can’t expect them to become a family by simply saying it. Why is Eric the smartest person ever and he’s only 14 and has to parent his own mom?
Oh. My. God. I can’t even. Right now, I’m recovering from a fit of raging giggles that landed me on the floor. DownerDan and RockinRufus are licking and sucking the most phallic-looking popsicles ever. I can’t I can’t I can’t. I have no idea what’s going on. Where did these popsicles come from? What happened to Scattergories? What’s happening? RR gives DD the advice that a good friend is one who stalks someone who refuses help the first time around. Being a friend is giving someone something he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it. The popsicles are totally a symbol here. Totally. In other words, RR approves of BoringNate as a possible son-in-law because he’s so darn pretty, so DD needs to give it to him. Hard.
LongLostVanessa is trying to leave the house warming but Blair has taken her bag. She erased the picture of The Brit and The Duchess so now LLV has nothing on Blair. She then tells LLV all about the bet between her and ChuckSlime and LLV doesn’t believe her. Blair tells her that the real estate was foreplay and the real goal was to humiliate LLV. Chuck appears and doesn’t agree or disagree but LLV takes his silence as agreement. Blair is happy that LLV was humiliated and admits to losing so will wait for him in her room. How did she lose, exactly? I really don’t understand the bet.
SluttySerena and DownerDan run into each other on the steps of BoringNate’s seized house. Now they’re, like, boring by association because this scene is pointless.
ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy—man, these people get to Brooklyn fast—and the old guy has heard about the deal not going through from LongLostVanessa. Chuck won’t give up. The guy tells Chuck to save himself. LLV is wearing way too much makeup.
SluttySerena asks DownerDan why he’s there. DD explains that BoringNate is his “friend” or at least hopes he still is. Serena needed to get some air and talk to someone, but the one person she wants to talk to she can’t anymore. DD suggests she pretend that he’s Nate since Nate pretended to be him. Dude, let it go. Serena tells him about the house warming and how she hates her mom. DD suggests her mom is ashamed of not being perfect and that’s why she acts so perfectly. Serena says, I thought you were pretending to be Nate, meaning that answer is way too smart to come from Nate. Then Serena apologizes for everything that happened between them. FatherSlime arrives in a limo to take Serena home and she’s happy that DD is Nate’s friend. She leaves with FatherSlime.
When SluttySerena and FatherSlime arrive home, everyone has since left the party. JudgyLily apologizes for not being around for seventeen years. Serena says that the brief period between Klausses was good. Serena apologizes for embarrassing them. Lily says that’s who they are and she doesn’t care who knows. But doesn’t FatherSlime, since he has that whole dossier on Lily?
DownerDan arrives back in the poor house with BoringNate right behind him. KleptoJenny gets ice cream and RockinRufus gets his 80s songbook because Nate seems like a Wham! guy. What the? I mean, I agree Nate would be into Wham but what’s with the guitar and the ice cream?
ChuckSlime finally comes to Blair’s room, where she has lit candles. She asks what took him so long and he says if she thought the wait was long, she has no idea what she’s in for. Is that a penis reference? They mack it. He tells her to say those three words she wanted him to say to her in the Hamptons. She won’t say those words. He counts the letters and the syllables. She won’t say them but she’s prepared to settle. He’s not. He won’t give himself to her if she won’t say those words. She thinks this is because of LLV but he says he wants to raise the stakes. He chased her for long enough so now it’s time she chases him. He leaves her on her bed, all hot and bothered, and all alone.