Gorillas In Dresses and Some Tough Love

Highlights:  The Boring Nate-Downer Dan-KleptoJenny love triangle becomes a love rhombus when Long Lost Vanessa gets involved; ChuckSlime still hearts Blair and vice versa; RockinRufus knows what success is and doesn’t want it for his children

KleptoJenny and Agnes are busy making KJ’s new line.  Interesting how Agnes is still hanging around KJ seeing as how last time they hung out, Boring Nate swept KJ away.  Apparently, BN is now ignoring KJ after their passionate smooch on the sidewalk.  The two of them are trying to make clothes in time for something, but I’m not quite sure what.

Meanwhile, DownerDan is teaching BoringNate all about the poor part of town.  I suppose BN felt so guilty after kissing DD’s little sister that BN is now working even harder to keep his love affair with DD strong.  DD doesn’t understand why KJ is acting so secretive and BN says he has no clue why but of course he knows about the clothing line.  Then DD’s text goes off and it’s the girl that BN hooked up with at Yale when he was  pretending to be Dan.  DD is all jealous and wants to be BN.  DD is all down on himself, thinking that he won’t get a recommendation and BN tells him to cheer up buckaroo!  DD wants to be alone to brood silently so he suggested BN go talk to KJ.

Blair and SluttySerena are having tea with some woman from Yale who is ignoring Blair and wants to hear all about SS’s life in the limelight.  The woman leaves and SS keeps trying to hide her own light because that’s what she does for Blair but it’s not working.  SS tells B to stop cracking her knuckles.  The woman is going to order room service for her daughter and SS offers for B to take the daughter to a movie. 

Hold on.  The woman just said that her daughter would be fine with some ice cream and Harry Potter.  Then the daughter comes out and she’s, like, the same age as SS and B.  I was expecting a little girl in pig tails.

SS struts down the street and runs into Aaron.  They start talking about the caterpillar at camp and then Aaron says the girl on the motorcycle was a friend and that he recognized SS as soon as she stepped into the gallery.  SS starts to invite him to a gala where her mom is being honored and her brother is out of town (hopefully frolicking in a field with his boyfriend).  But before she finishes, some girl runs up and mack it with Aaron.  SS walks away.

DD and BN arrive at the Poor House in time for DD to judge KJ.  This time he has reason to judge.  She’s wearing one of those hats that you would put on a teddy bear.  It’s the size of a thimble.  It’s atrocious.  Agnes is trying to wheel out KJ’s line and DD catches them in the act.  The act of trying to design a clothing line?  Busted.

Blair is sitting for the Yale woman’s daughter and the daughter wants to go out and be devirginized with Bacardi and a boy.  B tells the girl to stop moving her mouth. HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  Has anyone else noticed how these people are the fastest talkers in the world?

DD can’t believe that KJ quit NastyMom’s and BN grumbles to defend KJ but DD tells him it’s none of his business.  Come on, DD, he’s her brother-in-law, practically.  KJ announces that they’re putting on a gorilla fashion show so they have to get to the zoo to fit the gorillas in time.  Tonight’s her one chance and BN stares on, moving his Adam’s apple dramatically.  DD goes off to think.

SS sits in her bed to moon over pictures of Aaron from camp.  B busts in to rat out the Yale lady’s daughter who wants to be deflowered or else she’ll ruin B’s reputation to the Yale people.  SS is all about herself and caring about the pictures.  She tells B to take the girl to the charity ball.

The daughter wants to go wherever Gossip Girl talks about on her blog.  B wonders where the glory is in doing a hipster.  She suggests she make Muffy the Rich Girl jealous by trying on outfits from SS’s closet and going out to a party.

DD arrives at the Poor Cafe to complain to Long Lost Vanessa about KJ.  She’s defending KJ, too, and doesn’t want to be lumped with BN because BN is DD’s friend, not hers.  Ooh, those are the words of a woman scorned.  I wonder how DD lives with himself knowing he’s got sloppy seconds.  LLV says that DD did the right thing in taking BN in even if BN hates her.  DD says that if LLV likes BN, she should tell him because BN is a likeable guy.  LLV finds it odd that DD will defend BN to the end while he’ll jump to condemn his own sister.  Love is blind.  Love is strange.  DD doesn’t want KJ to get into trouble and ruin her life.  Rockin Rufus shows up in time to hear the word mistake.

ChuckSlime bumps into Emma the Yale daughter and she’s all giddy and calls him the devil.  He reveals that the gala is all old people.  She wants him to take her for a ride.  He sends a box to SS and agrees to take her out.

B and SS get ready and the servant gives the box to SS.  It’s a licorice ring.  Aaron had left it for her with the consierge.

Back in Brooklyn, KJ berates BN for trying to offer advice and for not talking to her since they macked it on the sidewalk.  BN says it’s complicated.  She says that if he cares about her, he should go with her.  He says maybe he should drive.  So they get into the van and go.  RR, LLV, and DD see the van drive off and try to make it stop because they think even poorer people are kidnapping BN.

Meanwhile, CS is in the date rape limo with Emma the Yale daughter.  She’s all over him.  This is gonna be the easiest date rape ever.

Hours later, SS and B are texting CS and SS put out an APB on Gossip Girl.  CS commes in complaining that the girl tried to rape him.  B scolds him for trying to deflower another virgin in the back of his limo—she’s more upset because that was her own scenario, not because she won’t get into Yale because of it.  He says that the back of the limo is one of the few things sacred to him, which obviously makes B feel better about having popped her cherry there, and that right there shows the love between the two of them.  He says Emma ran away.  SS gets a text that Emma was at a bar.  SS doesn’t want to help B because she has to go to the charity thing but B makes SS come out anyway.

BN and KJ arrive at the charity gala and BN wonders if KJ might be showing her fashions to the wrong crowd because everyone there is friends with his mom.  She explains that all the wealthy people will be there to fund her line.  She gives him a suit to wear so he can fit in with the crowd.  He stares at the suit as she walks away.

B, SS, and CS arrive at the bar where Emma should be.  B doesn’t want to hear SS complain about an albatross.  They find Emma in a booth with some guy.  B calls Emma tacky.  Some guy pulls SS aside to set up her table and Emma bolts again because she’s the fastest girl alive.

KJ goes into the ball and sees a sign with JudgyLily and FatherSlime’s picture.  She realizes who the ball is for and is dismayed.  When the door guy asks for her name, she becomes uber slick and says Erica Van Der Woodsen but sometimes they leave off the A.  Smart smart smart.  She says her parents are the guests of honor.  Really, when did she get to be so clever?  JL finds KJ and KJ awkwardly congratulates her.  JL asks who she’s there with and BN arrives in time, saying he invited KJ.  KJ tells BN that she’s about to ruin the night of the only rich people who have been nice to her but she has to go through with it.  BN starts kissing her mid sentence, and some tweeny bopper takes a picture of them.  She says, You kissed me.  He says, I know.  Wow, romance.  He doesn’t regret anything and then she walks away as he lets out another one of those sighs.

B and SS are still in the bar and B blames SS for ruining B’s chances at Yale again.  CS interrupts the argument to point out Emma in a corner booth.  Oh, wait, not Emma, but Emma’s mom.  In the booth with a man who isn’t Emma’s father.  As the lady macks it with the stranger, B takes a picture with her phone.

At the ball, Agnes and KJ find the tech guy at the function who’s quitting to go into gaming so he doesn’t mind helping them out.

Over in Brooklyn, RR wonders where KJ is and what she could be doing.  Neither KJ nor BN are picking up their phones.  RR can’t believe he trusted any of them.  DD is online and sees the pic of KJ and BN mackin it at the ball on Gossip Girl.  DD obviously is shocked at such a betrayal.  He won’t show RR but says they’re at the palace.  RR and DD run off quickly while LLV leans against a wall, also upset about being ignored by BN.

RR, LLV, and DD are in a cab uptown.  They all obviously pooled their funds to afford this ride.  RR thinks BN would have said something if he’d known in advance about it.  LLV defends BN and DD says that BN’s morals are questionable.  He wonders aloud who would have thought BN would date LLV and an old married lady at the same time.  That’s obviously his wounded heart speaking.  They bicker about BN being a good guy and BN doesn’t like him.  RR can’t believe the cab driver is letting the Mr. Softee truck pass them and tries to bribe the driver with everything he’s got—a single dollar bill.  Man, I love this show.

At the Palace ball, the doorman won’t let RR, LLV, and DD in because they’re poor.  DD looks for BN.  LLV looks for KJ.  JudgyLily sees RR and says she saw KJ and then FatherSlime greets RR and RR runs off and FS is upset so JL gets him a drink.

SS doesn’t want B to blackmail the Yale lady.  SS says the family needs help.  B says they’re more screwed up than SS’s family.  SS needs to go to the gala.  She asks B to save Emma first before using blackmail. 

DD finds BN at the gala.  DD grabs him and throws him against a wall.  This is sooooo reminiscent of the fight between BN and CS when they broke up.  History repeats itself, only this time, BN is the breakee while DD (whoda thunk it) is the breaker.  He shows BN the Gossip Girl picture on his phone and asks if that’s him with his 15 year old sister.  DD is angry because they took him in.  BN says that he’s not a creepy older guy and it just happened.  DD calls him the guy who traded sex for money.  What?  But they’re all poor.  Oh, he means LLV and the Duchess.  BN says DD has no right to judge him.  DD wants BN out of the house and he goes off to find KJ.

B and CS arrive at the apartment to stop Emma from losing her virginity.  They tell her to check Gossip Girl on her phone.  It says Muffy has lost her virginity and Gossip Girl cherry in one night.  Then B walks in and feels violated.  CS tells the guy to lose the tulip.  We don’t get to see anything.  I think that’s best.  Emma storms out, upset that Muffy the Rich Girl beats her at everything.

SS is in a cab, listening to Aaron’s outgoing message, saying that the girl who kissed him isn’t his girlfriend.   She wanted to thank him for the ring.  Then some girl picks up while she leaves a message.  The girl says that Aaron’s in the bathroom and SS hangs up flustered.

BN tries to leave the ball and KJ wants him to stop.  BN says that RR and DD are there and DD saw them kissing on Gossip Girl.  She begs BN to stay because she needs him.  He stands there and takes a deep breath.  He’s got this breathing thing down.

Time for the awards.  Some guy congratulates JudgyLily and FatherSlime for their philanthropy in Sri Lanka.  Then the lights go aout and music comes on.  All the screens show pictures of KJ and models in her clothes and announce her clothing line.  RR’s reaction?  “Oh, no.”  Heehee. 

The models plow through in some punkish fashions.  They throw post cards around.  JudgyLily smiles and giggles while FatherSlime is aghast and may pass out.  BN catches KJ’s eye and smiles.  JL dances.  Then Agnes comes through in a tutu dress.

LLV laughs.  Agnes dances on a table and breaks classes.  BN gives KJ a sideways glance.  They hug and mack it.  LLV sees and her smile fades into disgust.  She walks out right past them.  KJ tries to run after her.  BN tries to stop her but KJ says she shouldn’t have done that and leaves anyway.

Then the show is over and RR and DD moan about how they can’t believe KJ did that.

In the back of CS’s limo, B tells Emma that this was not the way she should want to lose her virginity.  CS wonders what would be a better way.  Emma gets out of the car.  B thanks CS for getting Gossip Girl to post the stuff about Muffy.  He says he’d do it for her any time.  I LOVE THEM!!!   B has to bolt out of the car before Emma runs away again.

Emma tells B that B, Muffy, and her mom all won.  B says that she should sleep with someone she loves.  Emma asks if B was in love her first time.  B says yes and that she wrote the book on self-centered mothers.  Emma thinks B is perfect.  B says, True!  Heeheeheeeeeeeeee.   Emma is upset that her mom doesn’t want to hang out when they go to the city.  B tells her to avoid gross guys.

The TA from Yale calls DD and tells him that she couldn’t get him a recommendation letter.  SS finds DD and says that KJ won’t get into too much trouble.  He says that KJ does whatever necessary to get what she wants; she alienated everyone in her life but she’ll be in the New York Times tomorrow, while he has no courage.  SS cares about DD and he says that he’s not getting into Yale or any other school with a decent writing program.  He goes off to find his dad.

Emma and B walk in to find Yale lady all bent out of shape because they’re home late.  B tries to warn Yale lady not to say anything, but Yale lady scolds B and says she’s not Yale material.  B asks if she had fun with the strange man and shows her the picture from the bar.  Emma comes back in to defend B. The woman says it’s no wonder why she doesn’t want to spend time with Emma.  B decides not to show the picture and says that the woman should pay more attention to her daughter before it’s too late.

KJ runs out of the ball trying to find LLV.  RR instead comes out and pulls her aside.  KJ tells him to let go of her.  He says she doesn’t care who she hurts.  She says that people adore her and she has too many missed calls already.  He says that he’s disappointed because he’s her dad.  He wants KJ to apologize to JudgyLily who’s just appeared and tells them that the whole thing was inspired.  He says that KJ won’t get away with it and then rats her out to a policeman for being the person responsible for the criminal fashion show.  The officer says he has to take her to the station and they’ll call her parents from there.  She says that RR IS her father.  This?  Is AMAZING!!!!!! 

JL says that they won’t be pressing charges because they own the hotel.  Crap.  JL ruins EVERYTHING.  RR tells her to stay out of it.  JL is trying to save RR from a mistake.  KJ tells them to figure it out and decides to walk home.  To Brooklyn.  At night alone.  In her dress and heels.  And stupid stupid hat.

CS finds BN at BN’s barren house.  CS can’t believe how bad it is.  BN says that Brooklyn is over and he’s going to stay with his mom.  CS wants him to come to his place but BN won’t hear of it.

SS tries to get B out of bed with the idea of going to Princeton.  B calls Princeton a trade school.  Man, I love Blair.  The Yale dean calls B’s cell and then SS gets called away because she has a visitor.  It’s Aaron who wants to get pastries.  She says that the ring was sweet but she doesn’t want to date his posse.  He explains that one girl was a friend and the other one was something he can’t explain but he can’t stop thinking about SS.  He wants to think fate brought them back together.  SS falls for this stupid crap and he tells her not to eat the ring because it’s 9 years old, the original from camp.  B comes bounding in saying that the dean wants her at Yale.

In Brooklyn, RR tells DD that KJ stomped out at 6 AM.   DD was up all night finishing the story about Chuck Bass because now that his sister has staged a fashion show, he needs to try to one up her.  RR explains that success is not the same thing as other people’s praise.  That one line makes me fall in love with Rufus all over again.  DD refuses to listen.  RR goes into KJ’s room and finds that only plastic hangers are left.  KJ’s moved out.

MUSICAL MONTAGE!!  B and SS giggle on SS’s bed, looking at the Yale catalog.  BN walks around the city with a suitcase and mails a letter to KJ.  Then walks off looking pretty.  DD mails his story to the guy from the Paris Review.  RR walks in circles around KJ’s room.  KJ walks the streets of Brooklyn with a suitcase and her sewing machine, wearing way too much eyeliner.