The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Is On Fire

Highlights:  DownerDan grows a pair; KleptoJenny makes a lousy firefighter; SluttySerena dates the most pretentious boy in all the land; NastyMom dates;  B finds herself on the other end of the manipulation stick; The Bass Family Empire forms a new bond; RockinRufus realizes that he’s the root of the arrogance in the Humphrey trio

 

RockinRufus is doing what any dad would do after finding out that his daughter has run away to move in with a better family—making pasta sauce and clinging to his son.  DownerDan got a recommendation from Shapiro after he sent off his Bass story.  KleptoJenny is now living with SketchyAgnes, and RR met with the mom who is just enough June Cleaver to pass inspection.

 

Blair reminisces to the chickadees about dressing up with SluttySerena as a child and now she’s turning 18.  She has to meet her mom’s new boyfriend, Cyrus, an old friend of NastyMom.  SS can’t stop texting UberPretentiousAaron and wants martinis at B’s party.

 

KleptoJenny and SketchyAgnes are meeting with a business manager.  They can’t agree on the name of their brand.  KJ wants herself to be the brand while SketchyAgnes insist on having the line named after her.  They start bickering in front of the guy. Then they tear out of there and it’s all SA’s fault.  They need a manager to meet with buyers.

 

Servant Lady is preparing for NastyMom’s boyfriend to come over.  B wants to put about twelve dozen white roses on the table and wants to use the good China, dammit.  Then Cyrus appears.  Small.  Bald.  Lisping.  How perfect.  It’s Cyrus Rose, who is reminiscent of the description of that bald Rose character from Candace Bushnell’s book, Trading Up. 

 

ChuckSlime has gotten hockey tickets for FatherSlime.  FatherSlime says that the gesture is nice but misguided because FS has no time for hockey.  Meaning he has no time for his son.  Meaning CS killed his mother and FS will never forgive him for it.

 

DD shows up at a restaurant to pick up a letter from Shapiro.  Shapiro introduces DD to the lead editor of New York Magazine.  The editor wants DD to write a story on the real Bass family because it’s the anniversary of Bass Industries Taking Over The Universe.  They want DD to go undercover and dig up dirt, the same kind of dirt he used in his short story which was completely obvious in being based on the Bass family.  DD doesn’t want to make enemies, but Shapiro tells him to get some sack and do it.

 

SS is roaming around Time Square (Upper East Siders NEVER do that) and sees herself on a jumbo video billboard.  UberPretentiousAaron appears behind her.  This guy is getting annoying real quick.  He wants SS to pose for him.  That’s how all artists get to see naked girls.  They call it an art project and next thing you know, you’re all naked all over for the world to see. 

 

B meets up with SS to tell her that Cyrus is unsuitable; she expected Cary Grant and got Danny DeVito.  SS has to go because she needs to be UberPretentiousAaron’s muse.  B says that it won’t work out and UPA will leave her when he moves on to cubism.  SS calls B Grace Kelly and B decides to tolerate Cyrus for the time being.

 

DD finishes up interviewing FatherSlime.  FS is happy to help DD learn about construction because DD is a friend of SS.  DD wants to shadow FS after school for a few days.  He says that his own dad has a narrow world and is poor.  FS calls RR a fine man but knows that DD is right and FS is much better and richer.  He offers DD two days a week to be his son.

 

KJ screeches at SA for not showing up to meetings.  SA is hung over after hanging out with CreepyMax.  KJ left her fifteen messages and is angry that they have no business managers.  SA may do it today if she can get out from under her big hat.  KJ laments that she left her school and job and her dad hates her and clothes is all she has.  SA goes to throw up.  KJ steals her food and calls the business guy from the day before.

 

FS offers for DD to go to a hockey game with him because FS is trying to replace the son who killed his beloved wife with another more acceptable son.  CS shows up and sees that he’s being replaced by DD.  DD leaves after having caused enough strife.

 

Cyrus thinks that flowers for 18 dollars is too steep.  B mumbles maniacally about being Grace Kelly and says she wants to use her own florist and not a cheaper one.  B used to reenact Cyndi Lauper with NastyMom.  Cyrus says he got tickets to Cyndi Lauper so he and NastyMom will be out of her way.  B wants her mom at the party.  NastyMom chooses the Cyndi Lauper tickets because B is a fatty.  You know, FatherSlime and NastyMom would make a much better pairing rather than JudgyLily and FatherSlime.

 

KJ arrives at the business guy’s office, saying that she severed ties with Sketchy Agnes.  He says he’ll be happy to work with her.  She says, Awesome, which is now her response to everything.  The guy asks if she’s 18 and she says she’s 15.  He says that he needs her parents’ signature on a permission slip.  Not feeling too good about making your dad hate you now, huh, KJ?

 

SS meanwhile acts like a muse for UPA.  He wants her to do nothing and be still.  He’s got on some uber hipster music.  He has SS lounge over a chair and pretty soon he’s gonna have her naked.  They mack it.  This is exactly what KJ was doing with CreepyMax. 

 

CS sees DD meet Shapiro at New York Magazine.  He calls up some girl he knows who interns there. He will find out what DD is up to.  I feel an “I’m Chuck Bass” moment coming soon.

 

UberPretentiousAaron has made a montage of all the images of SS from the day before.  She’s all giggly about it.  Wasn’t this the same kind of exhibit DD made for her with snow and stuff when she took DD’s virginity?  Then some other girl shows up to model for UPA.  She thought that modeling was her thing so she leavs.  The other model drinks SS’s coffee.

 

DD gets an email and thinks he’s already cracked the Bass Secret Code.

 

B berates NastyMom about the characteristics of Cyrus, all of which are unlike B’s dad.  NastyMom needs to get her hair done for the Cyndi Lauper show.  B thinks the tiny man Cyrus has a big secret that makes him bad for NM.

 

Some chubby guy wearing flannel meets with DD on a street corner and tells him that FS got her start up cash by burning down his own building and collecting insurance.  DD runs home to tell RockinRufus about his new-found knowledge of Bass Arson.  RR thinks that telling the world will ruin everyone’s lives.  DD thinks he’s more important than everyone else.  Then RR gets a call that says KJ is missing.

 

B is eating with Cyrus, saying her mom is happy with him.  Cyrus knew NM was the one.  B asks if he was romantic with his ex-wife.  He says no and tells B that he was too young and wasn’t passionate when he got married at first, so when he went to Vietnam in the draft, he fell in love with Kim Lee, the Vietnamese girl.  He decided to end his marriage, but found out Kim Lee was killed in her village.  B shows a facial expression akin to remorse.  Cyrus couldn’t stay in a loveless marriage anyway, but remained friends with his ex.  Now he feels love with NastyMom. 

 

SS calls UberPretentiousAaron and asks him to go out to one of her favorite spots, a puppet theater.  He’s still hanging out with the model in the studio.  He wants to play with puppets the next day.  She says sure because she likes guys who don’t want her.

 

B is getting ready for her party.  NastyMom scolds her for having a meal with Cyrus because he was touched by the meal and she knows that B always schemes.  She knows B is looking for dirty but can’t find any because Cyrus is pure and clear.  She says that Cyrus cheated on his ex-wife and fell in love with his mistress.  NM gets teary eyed and leaves.

 

SketchyAgnes gets a call from the business guy’s office, looking for KJ, saying that the contracts are ready for Jenny Humphrey Designs.  SA says she’ll give her the message, but I think we all know that SA is either going to go ape shit or she’s going to sabotage KJ.

 

At the party, the chickadees are mooning over the platinum blonde bus boy.  They ask SS what’s up with her boy toy.  SS says the muse thing backfired and tells B about the other girl who modeled for UPA.  B is wearing a dress that looks like it was on Project Runway.

 

KJ shows up at SA’s and SA says RR was ringing her doorbell for an hour.  Then she accuses KJ of stealing the contact list and her designs.  SA claims that she was responsible for all of KJ’s success so far.  KJ wants her dresses back. SA says that the dresses don’t belong to anyone and pours lighter fluid all over them.  KJ screams that SA is out of her mind and KJ weeps weeps weeps instead of physically trying to stop SA by maybe grabbing some of the dresses out of the can, hitting away the lighter fluid, or blowing out the flame.  Maybe she plans to put out the fire with her tears.

 

Cyrus sees SS at B’s party and says he’s seen her all over the studio.  OMG.  UberPretentiousAaron is Cyrus’s son.  How bout that?  This show is so incestuous.  Cyrus thinks UPA is smitten with SS because he took SS to The Cloisters.  SS is on the way to his studio.  NM then inappropriately asks Cyrus if he cheated on his ex.  He says yes and she kicks him out of the party.  She tells B she thought Cyrus was different.  Then Cyndi Lauper appears.  Cyrus bought out her gig and asked Cyndi Lauper to come to the party because Cyrus is in love with B’s mother.  B introduces Cyndi Lauper to Servant Lady.  B got a conscious for her birthday and runs out of her own party.

 

DD arrives at FatherSlime’s house and asks him about the arson story.  He wants a good explanation and apologizes since it’s not his business anyway.  CS is listening in the hallway.  FS says it’s been on his conscience for years.  DD realizes that there was a death in the fire.  CS runs in and tells FS not to say anything else because DD is writing for New York Magazine.  FS offers him money but DD doesn’t want his money.  Dude, take the money.  You’re poor, remember?  Just because you hang out with rich kids doesn’t mean you’re rich.

 

CS threatens to destroy DD as DD tries to leave.  CS tells him not to ruin his family.  DD thinks writing is more important than anything in the world.

 

B finds Cyrus outside.  She expected a better fight.  He knows that fighting with the daughter of the woman he loves wouldn’t bring him anything.  B realizes that the Cyndi Lauper move was his manuever and calls him a genius.  She tells him to come upstairs so she can tell NastyMom the whole truth about the Vietnamese girl.

 

DD meanwhile has titled his stupid article after a date, which I believe he did with his first story ever published.  He sends it to FatherSlime with an index card that has an apology scrawled across it.

 

SS arrives at the studio to find UPA having dinner with the other model.  He lectures her that high school dating is different than real life dating.  He likes to date lots of girls at once and she can feel free to date too.  She leaves, trying to scrape together some dignity.  I get what he’s saying, but he doesn’t need to be a condescending douche bag about it.

 

In the poor house, KJ asks RR for his signature, saying she’ll be back if he does so.  How does she have the upper hand in any of this?  She says that if he doesn’t sign, everything she’s done has been for nothing.  She needs to find another way, maybe sleeping on SA’s couch.  Little does RR know that SA is a nutloaf and kicked KJ out.  So KJ roams around the streets with her sewing machine and luggage one more time.

 

KJ has found a couch to crash on.  She calls Mr. Smith, the business guy, on a Sunday, wanting to meet at his office later.

 

FS finds CS to apologize.  He says he never blamed CS for his mom’s death.  He read the DD story and found out that CS felt that way.  FS has had trouble being close to CS because every time he looks at CS, he sees the mom.  He misses her and doesn’t want to make more mistakes.  He wants to know his son.  He wants to go to the hockey game.  That will surely make it better.  CS smirk-smiles in a genuine way. 

 

DD broods in the Poor House while RR tells him that KJ is still on the lam.  DD points out that RR always has to be right, but to get KJ back, he might have to let her win.

 

KJ tells Mr. Smith that neither of her parents will sign the papers.  He suggests she divorce her parents.  She says okay because emancipation is easy and of course the man who knows her for five seconds has her best interests in mind and gives the best advice ever.

 

SS complains that UPA doesn’t want her.  B thinks that SS doesn’t believe in relationships like that.  She admits that Cyrus isn’t that bad.  Then she sees Cyrus at the breakfast table.  He’s been talking about love, life, and death with NastyMom.  NM says that Cyrus is moving in.

UPA arrives at SS’s to take her to the puppet park.  She says that they broke up the night before.  He says that they couldn’t have broken up since they weren’t actually dating.  She thanks him for making her feel shittier.  He goes off on a completely irrelevant tangent about life on the Upper East Side.  So SS goes out in her slip and a coat to walk in the park hand in hand with the biggest tool box since Dan Humphrey.