Thank Goodness For Poverty

Highlights: The Captain goes felonious; Suicidal Eric learns the truth about judgment; LongLostVanessa and KleptoJenny make up, and so do BoringNate and ChuckSlime

Thanksgiving again!  We don’t have any flashbacks like last Thanksgiving.   Instead, GG is equating the destruction of an entire native culture with Blair’s need to move because of PapaCyrus.  B wants to have a perfect Thanksgiving this year even though GayDaddy isn’t coming.  SluttySerena tells her she can come but only for a while because UberPretentiousAaron, her non-boyfriend, is meeting the van-der-Woodsen-Bass clan.  B thinks that SS doesn’t like him since she’s showing him off.  SS doesn’t want to date anyone else, which is typical of girls who are dating boys who don’t want to be exclusive.

DownerDan shows up at school looking for KleptoJenny.  RockinRufus can’t find her anywhere.  SS says KJ has been spending time with SuicidalEric.  He tells SS to have a happy Thanksgiving.

Then BoringNate accidentally (wink wink) bumps into DD in the hallway.  Oh, to touch the ex-boyfriend but only for a second more.  ChuckSlime runs into BN but BN wants to brush him off, still distraught over losing all the loves of his life in one fell swoop.  The lesson here is clear: Don’t get yourself involved in a love rhombus.  BN chooses slumming over CS.

KJ and SE are finding out about how to divorce your parents.  KJ is surprised to hear that her parents will be notified.  The woman in charge explains it: They need to know you no longer want to be their child.  Heh heh.  Only one polysyllabic word in that explanation.

LongLostVanessa tells DD that she’s going to watch a German film and eat frozen turkey on Thanksgiving.  DD invites her to stay at the Poor House for the holiday but she doesn’t want to see KJ.  He says that KJ will be a no show.  LLV thinks KJ is having Thanksgiving with BN, but DD explains that BN doesn’t talk to KJ anymore.  RR comes in babbling about Tokyo, SketchyAgnes, and KJ.  He wants to call the cops.  DD says that KJ is with SE.  RR immediately calls JudgyLily and asks to speak to KJ.  JL says that KJ isn’t there.  RR says she’s been staying with SE.  Then JL finds KJ’s sewing machine which really isn’t all that hidden.

BoringMom is dragging BN through a hotel, telling him they’ve run out of options.  Then they drop in to Captain Ahab, who’s been in hiding.  His disguise: weird, old man facial peach fuzz and a fluffy sweater in lieu of a suit.  BN is angry that he’s been squatting while Captain Crunch has been livin’ it up in the Caribbean.  Captain wants them all to move to Domenica and they leave the decision up to BN.  Because once again, children should make adult decisions.  Then again, in reviewing the track record here, BN probably is the best qualified.

Speaking of bad parenting, RR and JL are taking a stroll along the water and the cold doesn’t seem to be affecting them even though it’s November in NYC (then again, RR walked from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side in a sweater while it was snowing, so it’s fitting). JL didn’t know that KJ was living at her place until today.  JL insists that she mediate between RR and KJ and that KJ stay with the van-der-Woodsen-Bass Clan for Thanksgiving because they are a family.  RR tells her to give KJ marshmallows. 

SS calls B and tells her that UPA is probably out with a girl.  B is baking. SS wants to make new traditions.

SE finds FatherSlime home early.  SE texts KJ not to come up and tells FS that things may not work out with Jonathan.  FS thinks Jonathan is schtupping the swim team captain.  SE finds CS to ask why FS would say that.  CS explains that FS has a dossier on everyone in the world.

SS is impressed with UPA’s romantic dinner.  He says she’s all he thinks of, especially when he’s hittin’ up other girls.  He’s now a one-woman man, most likely out of convenience.  She’s overjoyed and wants champagne.  He explains that he’s sober.  She says she used to party, but now she’s stone cold.  Because she changes who she is to be with the boy she likes.

FS and JL catch SE on his way out.  She calls him out on the whole KJ living there in hiding situation.

B finds PapaCy in the kitchen, eating her pie, and critiquing it.  She asks NastyMom why she’s letting PC ruin everything.  Heh heh. I love hyperbole.  NM says that PC made reservations at B’s favorite restaurant and B needs to get with the program.  B complains to Servant Lady.  SL shows B a ring that PC proposed to NM with and says that they’re going to tell everyone at Thanksgiving dinner.

JL tells KJ that she saw RR and they need to work things out because RR loves her.  KJ thanks her and goes to bed.  I don’t know how KJ suddenly goes deaf or beams herself out of earshot so quickly, but JL calls after her and she doesn’t hear.  So JL does what any normal person would do; she goes through KJ’s bag.  She finds the emancipation papers.

RR and DD are food shopping for Thanksgiving, which apparently not a busy holiday from the looks of the store.  DD tells RR he should actually tell KJ that he misses her.  They bump into UPA who lives around the corner, whom they’ve never bumped into before, and he says he’s picking up food for [dramatic pause].  DD says that he can hear her name. 

Now it’s a Convergence of All Things Tool as DD wants UPA to say hi to SS for him and then babbles on about FS and RR and JL and how it’s so complicated even though it was a full year ago and SS doesn’t like cheese and suggests wine.  UPA says that SS no longer drinks so DD sees that as a reason to bring up SS’s alcoholic binge when Georgina/Sara was in town.  Man, now I don’t know who’s douchier.

B complains to NM about not wanting to hear “the news” but NM refuses to admit to any “news” on the horizon.  B decides not to go to dinner.

BN bumps into LLV at the Poor Gallery and Café where she plans to get some paperwork done.  He’s dropping off The Pixies Boxset (really?  really) and he wrote a thank you note to RR, no doubt in girly handwriting.  He can’t take it to the Poor House because of the awkward aftermath of the love rhombus fallout.  He says that he’s alienated everyone he knows and tells LLV to take care.

SS barges into CS’s room fro a word and he tells her to hike up her dress.  No, it’s not a date rape moment, yet.  She wants him to promise not to tell UPA anything about her because she wants it to come out naturally.  CS could care less and goes to FS’s study.  UPA arrives miserable about the Georgina news and SS stumbles over her words to cover until she simply calls DD a liar and jealous.  Now she’s the tool.  The three of them deserve each other.

JL calls RR to order him to walk from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side again.  RR tells DD to tell LLV not to come because Thanksgiving is canceled.

LLV gets stopped on the street near the Poor Gallery.  Some guy wants to talk to her about BN.

CS and SE are opening FS’s safe.  Gold bars and files are inside.  LLV calls CS to tell him that BN’s in trouble with the FBI.  CS decides reluctantly to help and leaves SE to the files. 

B walks along with SL, scolding her that there’s nothing to be thankful for.  SL wants to feed the ducks.

JL tries to force SS to drink and SS reminds her that she’s only 17.  Good parenting.  Then UPA talks to JL about all the paintings in the house. 

SE is freaking out to KJ about the FS’s dossier on him.  KJ asks about SS’s and JL’s files.  Then she calls him “E.”  Since when is that his nickname? She can’t find her emancipation papers anywhere.  DD shows up and UPA asks why he lied about SS.

JL shows RR the emancipation papers. KJ catches them looking at her papers and is not too happy about it.

DD and UPA show up in SS’s room to confront her about who lied to whom.  DD lies and says that he lied to UPA and UPA says, That’s not cool man.  Omigod, I hate them all. Then UPA leaves and DD reminds her that the truth always comes out. In walks SE with everyone’s files of truth.

BN arrives at the Poor Gallery again to meet up with LLV, CS, and the FBI guy. They tell him that Oh Captain My Captain has been planning a kidnapping to get ransom money to live on and that he and his mom are the kidnappees.  BN is on the verge of tears.  CS says that the only way to end it is to turn the Captain and Tenille in.

KJ babbles about burned dresses.  RR says he misses KJ and is willing to let her go to get her back because he won’t stop loving her.  Um, NO NO NO NO NO.  Be a parent, dammit! She probably won’t be granted emancipation anyway since there’s really no neglect.  At least not until recently when RR gave up and turned to his guitar for solace.  She thinks he’s giving her a guilt trip and leaves.

JL confronts FS about the dossiers.  He wants to protect them all.  JL thinks it shows a lack of trust.  She drags her kids away because he’s not for family.

BN arrives at the Captain’s place to say that he knows about the kidnapping plan and loves him but can’t respect him.  He gives the Captain the option to get some sack and turn himself in or run away.  BN refuses to live in a mess. 

JL brings SE to a restaurant.  SS has gone off with her own file.  SE says he read JL’s file.  He can’t believe she didn’t tell him she was in an institution when she was 19 and that her telling him would have helped him when he was in the institution.  Let me say that again: JUDGY LILY WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED WHEN SHE WAS 19.  SE becomes the parent as usual and tells her she can talk about it when she’s comfortable with it. 

SS arrives at B’s dinner while B isn’t there.  She gives the file to UPA and says that DD didn’t lie and UPA can read all about SS’s indiscretions.  Then he can decide if he wants to be with her.  Then she tells NM where B is after texting her.

KJ bumps into B and SL on the street.  They both complain about their parents.  B says that RR will go anywhere for KJ and NM won’t do the same.  Then NM shows up, gives KJ a scarf, and tells B to come home to show her something.  They bring KJ home too.

Captain Kirk kisses BMom and hugs BN.  He turns himself in.  BMom cries.  BN whimpers.  Then they magically transport themselves to their condemned abandoned house where LLV and CS somehow know they’ll be.  They’re still squatting but now that Captain is no longer on the lam, they have their assets back.    BN tells LLV he hasn’t heard from KJ so now he’s available for her again.  Didn’t it not work out the first time because she lived in Brooklyn and it had nothing to do with KJ?  Nothing’s changed so why would it work now?  CS tells BN they’re going to go get drunk.

B comes home and finds GayDaddy there.  That’s the big surprise.  B thought NM and PC were getting engaged.  NM explains that she wanted GayD’s approval first because PC would be the step-dad for his daughter. 

RR and DD arrive at the Poor House and find KJ already there.  She loves RR too and wants to be part of the Poor Humphreys.  They all hug each other at once. Suddenly, it’s The Waltons.

UPA arrives at SS’s bedroom and doesn’t want to read the dossier.  He wants to hear it all from her in time.

JL comes over to the Poor House with SE to have dinner because that’s where real families go because only the poverty-stricken know what it’s like to really have to be thankful.  LLV arrives too.  She and KJ have an awkward moment, but now that LLV secretly has BN back, everyone can be friends again.  Hooray!  DD gives KJ her mail but RR pulls her away to eat marshmallows first.  On top of the stack of mail is BN’s letter, waiting to be read.

GG is thankful for a lot this year:

Rekindling old friendships, like CS and BN drinking in the limo.  Aww, it’s good to see the boyfriends together again.

New relationships of the tool variety like SS and UPA.

How close we get by being ourselves, like Gay Daddy finally being gay.

How you can always go home again, no matter how poor your home is.

Now FS wants to find out why JL was institutionalized and he makes a phone call to find out. 

LLV goes to call her parents.  She finds BN’s letter.  She reads it.  BN declares his caring for KJ.  LLV does what any good friend and confident would do to someone who is part of a family that has taken her in for the holidays—she gets rid of the letter immediately, thinking, Boring Nate is mine, bitch, mine mine mine!