Highlights: JudgyLily decides to chuck Father Slime; ChuckSlime and Blair get together only as clones; Another tool joins the box; the love rhombus with KleptoJenny, LongLostVanessa, and BoringNate reshapes and reshapes and reshapes
Gossip Girl’s Guide To Surviving A New York City Winter: Cashmere sweater for ice skating, gourmet hot chocolate for window shopping, and a perfect date to the Senior Snowflake Ball. One of these things is not like the others, but sure sounds like fun.
Blair can’t wait to see the creme de la creme of the ball attendants. Slutty Serena has no time to think about it. ChuckSlime disapproves of all the guys who want to bring Blair because he’s in love with her. Aw. True love is hating every guy who wants to bone the girl who has your heart.
SluttySerena literally runs into DownerDan and shows him all the profound books she’s bought at one of those poor people used book shops. She’s not reading them herself. She’s giving them to UberPretentiousAaron for Hanukah. Ouch; nice to use the knowledge from one relationship to benefit another and never use it yourself. UPA can’t go to the Snowflake Ball, but SS is still going to go because she likes Anna Karenina. DD wants to go, too, and they’ll both be going solo. They will hang out together at the ball, and UPA will have no problem with it because he’s friends with his own ex. Meaning he’s totally doing it with her.
LongLostVanessa arrives at The Poor House to find KleptoJenny rearranging RockinRufus’s vinyl by genre because she has nothing better to do because she has no future anymore. The one thing she can’t stop thinking about is BoringNate. LLV suggests KJ move on. Then LLV’s phone rings. It’s BN of course. LLV goes to leave for the gallery so she can quickly return his call. She bumps into RandomGirl on her way out. Here’s the priceless exchange: “Oh hello weird documentary girl” “Goodbye sad wannabe Blair.” How much do I love this show?
RandomGirl wants to commission a dress from KJ for the Snowflake Ball. The chickadees keep biting off her. KJ hates her but gets to overcharge for her designs so she agrees.
RR finds JudgyLily on the street outside The Ball. She hasn’t spoken to FatherSlime since Thanksgiving and doesn’t plan to until the New Year. RR may go to the dance but isn’t sure he wants to. Then he runs away when FS shows up wanting to talk.
At the Poor Gallery, UPA’s uber pretentious ex is mocking all the art. SS and DD show up and can we feel the tension, people? I love it when exes meet exes.
Meanwhile, BN is slumming it hardcore yet again by mackin it with LLV. He wants her to go to the Snowflake Ball. That’s the gayest date request I’ve ever heard. She hesitates and he realizes that LLV hasn’t told KJ about them. I guess that means that they’re an item. BN doesn’t want to come between friends, but he insists that KJ blew him off and doesn’t care. He says he’s happy with being with LLV. By default. She tells him to reign in his horses before they make the front page of Gossip Girl.
RandomGirl asks KJ what the story is between her and BN because she wants to ask him to The Ball. Then she reminds KJ that the Upper East Side is way better and richer than Brooklyn so there was no way things would work out with KJ and BN. Then they both get a text blast from GG—a picture of BN mackin it with LLV. It’s a real close up, too. Seriously, these people need to be a little more aware of their surroundings.
JL doesn’t like that FS has shown up at a school function to talk to her. He’s fired his private investigator and promises to try to not control her or the kids because he realizes that he’s a sucky husband. He vows to change in time for The Ball. She leaves without answering him.
SS complains to UPA that his ex is too protective of him. Meanwhile, his ex is being uber pretentious towards DD at the Poor Cafe Bar in the Poor Gallery. She wants gourmet stuff and DD practically hands over some DunkinDonuts. Wow, another tool in the mix. DD agrees to give UPEx a tour of Brooklyn. UPA agrees to go to the Snowflake Ball. They all agree to be tools.
At the Poor House, LLV arrives all happy until KJ points out the text blast from Gossip Girl. LLV says that KJ kissed BN behind her back first. KJ says she felt guilty about it and backed off and calls LLV desperate. LLV says she’s going to go to the Snowflake Ball with BN, dangit!
Now for my favorite part of the show—any scene with Blair and ChuckSlime, filled with sexual tension and true love without ever speaking of either. ChuckSlime informs Blair that he must choose her date to the Snowflake Ball to prove he knows her better than anyone else. She says she has to pick his date then. Of course, this all turns into a bet. Blair gets CS’s limo for a month if he likes his date. He wants ServantLady if Blair likes hers. Leave it to these two to put a person up as ante for a bet.
Oh, jeez. Buzzkill. The Tool Quartet is trolling around the city, discussing, well, who cares? Something pretentious that SS has no clue about most likely. UPEx wheedles a date out of DD so now all four are going to the Snowflake Ball together. I didn’t think this would happen but I love it when opposite exes get together—that makes everything all that much more awkward. In this case, however, it’s too much toolage. Hang on—did UPA say that UPEx is bisexual? Let’s leave it at a maybe for now because I’m too annoyed by the four of them to actually go back and find out for sure.
FS is leaving for a meeting in Miami, but first berates CS for opening the file safe. Nice progress in their relationship.
KJ arrives at RG’s to discuss fashion. The chickadees tell KJ that LLV sucks. One of the chickadees tries on a dress to find out that it’s see-through. Then KJ tells them that LLV is going to the ball with BN. They plan to somehow make LLV wear the unlined dress, I think, but I have no idea how they’ll do that.
Blair chooses shoes from her closet while bragging to SS that she will so find the right date for CS. SS says that seeing exes with others is awkward and that she found out UPEx “extends” herself to guys on a first date. Oh, so she’s slutty like Serena, and not bisexual. She wants to give DD the heads up. Blair points out that guys don’t exactly care and DD doesn’t think about SS having sex with UPA. SS hasn’t slept with UPA, though.
KJ comes to the Poor Cafe and Gallery to deliver the see-through dress to LLV. She calls it a peace offering. LLV agrees to try it on.
Blair is crucifying ServantLady because they can’t find the perfect date for CS. SL joined Facebook to find the girls, but it’s not working. Blair describes herself to describe his perfect date, but it can’t be her. SL doesn’t want to shine CS’s shoes for a month and Blair says, “His shoes if you’re lucky.” OMG, total handjob reference.
DD calls SS as he walks down the street, complaining about the price of renting clothes. He asks if she’s okay with him going to the ball with UPEx and she says sure, which is a lie. They hang up and SS thanks UPA for going with her to the ball. Then she wants to thank him properly. Meaning sleeping with him.
LLV has the dress on and they agree it’s great. LLV says that she’s always been jealous of KJ because growing up, KJ and DD had it all. Then she tries to continue but BN calls and interrupts. KJ leaves and LLV wants to talk to him in person.
JL calls home to tell FS that she’s waiting for him to go to the Snowflake Ball. FS is in a meeting with the investigator FS said he’d fired. She calls back to tell FS that her plans have changed—she’s not going to wait and he shouldn’t show up.
Snowflake Ball Time!!!!! Ooh, really bad dancing! The chickadees plan to play a particular song when LLV walks in and get DroopyHazel’s “new boyfriend” to shine his spotlight on LLV, exposing her underwear, ooh or lack thereof!, through the dress. RandomGirl asks BN to save her a dance.
Remember Natasha Liukin from the Summer Olympics (whose name I’m probably spelling incorrectly)? Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that’s her, hitting on Chuck Bass. Blair cockblocks and asks where her date is. She introduces him to Justine, a practical look-alike. He brings out a practical-Chuck look-alike as Blair’s date. Heh heh.
DD awkwardly dances with UPEx, who tells him that SS and UPA haven’t had sex because that’s typical first date conversation. He says he doesn’t care. He so does.
Blair and CS are not happy with the people they’ve been set up with. Neither wants to concede.
JL shows up to the dance. RR shows up to the dance. I suppose they’re chaperones, but I think they feel as if it’s really their own dance because they both act like children. They dance together when JL says she’s leaving FS for herself and wants nothing from him.
DD and SS both stand in awkward solo poses in the middle of the room until they notice one another. They talk about how they each seem to be having a good time. He says he knows the plan for SS to sleep with UPA later. She says there’s nothing to talk about, and she knows that UPEx plans on seducing DD. He gets all Dan about it, overanalyzing and being a major tool. Then they do weird innappropriate touching. She thought sex meant something to DD. He says he hasn’t had it in a while. She gets frustrated with his tooldom and leaves.
LLV finds KJ at the dance and wonders why she’s there. She sees BN behind her, wiping off his suit, but I don’t know if they had been talking. LLV says she’s going to end things with BN. She didn’t want to hurt KJ. The chickadees are wondering when the big sheer reveal will happen. LLV approaches BN who says she looks gorgeous. She wants him to be quiet and look pretty as she breaks things off with him. She’s never felt this way about anyone else and then shows him the letter she took away from KJ’s house and admits she stole it before KJ saw it. Then she cries and tries to leave.
That’s when the chickadees hit the spotlight and LLV’s all, well, actually, you can’t see a thing. BN stands mesmerized. Then he has a blank look on his face. Everyone cackles in slow motion echo except for KJ who offers her jacket and BN who looks on in indifference-bordering-some-sort-of-emotion.
BN pulls KJ aside to ask, Did you do that to Vanessa?, as if he’s a first grade teacher. He says that LLV didn’t deserve public humiliation simply because LLV went behind KJ’s back and lied and ruined everything between her and BN. He then shows the letter to KJ and says that he wrote it to tell her his true feelings and that LLV stole it and felt so bad that she confessed. KJ knows that BN thinks she’s horrible. BN is happy she didn’t get the letter because she’s not who he thought she was.
OMIGOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW. CS and Blair are all ornery and they find the look-alikes making out. Blair claps her hands at them and shouts, “Hey! Explain this!” The CS wannabe has a higher-whisper voice, like CS’s, and explains that when CS and B walked off, he and Justine the B wannabe liked each other. B gave Justine the headband. Ha! Dopplegangers can work it out, but the real thing won’t work. Oh! The agony!!!
JL feels horrible about having to leave FS and she never thought her life would turn out this way. RR says something about her smiling and faking it. She wants him to tell her something he shouldn’t. He let her go on her wedding day because he wasn’t sure what he needed and wasn’t sure he could give her what she needed. He’s full of regret for that decision. CS sees them talking. The ball is so not the appropriate place for this conversation.
FS is in a limo with the detective who insists on finishing the job even though he’s been fired. CS calls FS to tell him that JL is at the Snowflake Ball with RR and she’s figured something out. FS asks the detective what he knows.
CS finds JL and admonishes her behavior now because she’s been good for the Bass family. He says that FS is on his way.
LLV is outside getting into a cab. Wow, that took a long time to leave the ball. BN runs after her and asks if she did anything more than steal his letter to KJ. She says that was all. He admits that when she walked away, he realized that she was the one he wants to be with. Then they mack it. Again. I really don’t like this—mostly because I don’t like BN with anyone because I want him to be with me because I’m a sucker for pretty boys, man bangs, and 23 year olds.
The chickadees accost KJ and scold her for trying to save LLV. KJ can’t imagine why she wanted to be one of them and says LLV is ten times the person they will ever be.
Everyone at the ball at this point is making out. Except for B and CS. He wants B to dance with her. She says there’s no point because they’ll never be like that. He says he would never change them if it meant losing what they have. She wants to know what they have. He says, “Tonight.” Then they dance together and I go completely gaga all over again. I heart ChuckAndBlair!!!
Then JL gets a restricted call on her cell.
UPEx wants to leave with DD alone. He doesn’t want to be rude and leave without the other tool duo. SS wants to talk to DD alone so the other exes go to get separate cabs. She apologizes for the way she acted earlier. She doesn’t want him to do what he wants to do without her clearing the air. He says it’s clear and doesn’t need an apology. He’s happy they can both go with clean air. Awwwkkkkkwwwwwaaaarrrrdddd silence. Then he says that sleeping with her was the greatest night of his night. She says it was hers, too.
JL runs up to SS looking for CS. She says FS has been in an accident. Which means we need to batten down the hatches for the most evil version of Chuck we’ve ever witnessed. Which means my tinglies are in for quite a ride.