Bye  Bye Father Slime

Highlights:  The paler ChuckSlime gets, the darker his soul, and the sexier he becomes.  So.  Very.  Sexy.  And nothing else matters.  Aside from SluttySerena becoming as toolish if not more than DownerDan and UberPretentiousAaron when she screams at Chuck during his own father’s funeral.  Yeah, that happens.

FatherSlime, AKA Bart Bass, is dead.  Everyone at the van der Woodsen / Bass residence is wearing black except for SuicidalEric who’s in hospital attire.  Granny is drunk.  SluttySerena is in a sexy slip.  They think JudgyLily is mourning by making lists and possibly moving into The Palace with ChuckSlime.  She wants comfort food, not a tuna tower, so she goes for a walk to get away from the hot kitchen.

Blair and PapaCy are eating breakfast in awkward silence.  NastyMom likes the picture of FatherSlime in the paper.  Blair laments that CS won’t answer his phone.  PC encourages B to eat more, more, more.  Ah, what a refreshing change from NM urging her to puke even on an empty stomach.  B’s appalled that NM is talking about her honeymoon, but PC explains that in death there’s life, or something to that affect.

DownerDan arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  She thanks him for being a rock since FS passed away.  Does anyone really say that?  “Thanks for being a rock”?  They both think it feels natural that he’s around to be a rock.  Again, rock?  Tool, yes.  Rock?  Sounds stupid. 

UPA arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  Do you see a pattern developing?  She tells them that she’s going to the funeral with her family. She will meet them both there.  What is this, prom?  Like they’re silently fighting over who gets to take her to the graveyard?

RockinRufus is apparently JL’s idea of comfort food.  She meets him in the park for a walk.  She feels guilty about FS’s dying.  He tells her not to blame herself and that it’s okay.  She has a voicemail from FS but hasn’t listened to it yet.  RR says he’ll listen.  Sure, and then he’ll erase it before JL gets to hear it a la LongLostVanessa’s slick move with BoringNate’s letter to KleptoJenny.  Then RR vows to wait for JL anywhere from six months to six years.  As they chat it out, Granny, who has followed JL, watches.

ChuckSlime looks strung out and evil.   Oh, man, I’m feeling that in my tinglies.  You know, I’m tired of calling him ChuckSlime.  He’s taken his angst and highjinx to a new level this season.  Chuck is now Chuck.  Simply Chuck.  Chuck meets the private dick and bargains for the info that FatherSlime had wanted when they got into the accident.  Wait a second.  Was the detective in the car with FS when he was in the fatal accident?  Because the detective doesn’t have a scratch on him.  Anyway, Chuck says that his father is dead because of JudgyLily.  He goes to bury his father.  Is it wrong that grief is sexy?

JL listens to the voicemail: FS didn’t even care that she was going behind his back to talk to RR; FS knew why JL was in the hospital in France.  Dun dun DUN!!!

DD and UPA wait on the church steps for SS.  Both get texts from SS and they bicker about why UPA got his second.  The van der Woodsen limo arrives and SS hugs DD first.  SE finds KJ who appeared out of nowhere and asks if she’s seen Jonathan because even though they’re not together, he was hoping he’d be there.

Granny asks JL if RR will be making an appearance since his kids are there.  Then she says she saw JL with RR in the park.  Because she’s a stalker mom.

Chuck is drunk on alcohol, madness, and bloodlust.  B and BoringNate are holding him up and B is instructing him to lift his knees and move foward.  BN thinks C showing up is a bad idea, but B insists that he needs to show up at his father’s funeral.  She offers to make C throw up.

JL thanks DD for being at the funeral.  Then from over the hilly graveyard comes Chuck, flipping out.  He bellows, What are you doing here?  DD immediately gets high and mighty, catching an attitude with the boy whose father has passed.  B explains that Chuck is loaded.  SS jumps in to defend DD, saying that DD has been more helpful these past few days than Chuck has.  What the?  See?  T. O. O. L. Granny says that Chuck doesn’t have to make sense today.  Not often do I agree with Granny; here, she’s right.  JL tells C he needs to be with his family.  C says, I have no family.  Mmmmm, he’s so pale and disheveled.  Mmmmmm.

In the poor part of town, RR strums his guitar, beginning the long six month to six year wait for JL.  DD comes home, reporting that he was kicked out of the funeral.  Chuck said that DD’s father killed C’s father.  DD wonders if RR thought of going to the funeral.  RR says that wouldn’t be okay.  Then DD says he and SS are friends only even thought they’ve been hanging out a lot lately.  RR says good and DD over-analyzes and questions why his being just friends with SS is so good for RR.  Of course, RR is looking at the big picture of six months to six years, and does not want step-siblings hooking up because that would be step-incest and JL might judge that and dump him again.

B and BN try to make C eat at the funeral. Actually, B is the one trying to help while BN stands by all pretty and quiet.  C leaves and BN says B is maternal.  She says she’s been hanging out with PapaCy too much and is turning Jewish.  Heh heh. 

PapaCy tells NM that funerals make him think of death too much.  He wants to get married tomorrow instead of waiting.  B buts in and says no way because she was all for their marriage only if she’s away at college and not involved.  NM thinks it’s romantic.  KJ comes out of nowhere again and offers to make NM a wedding dress by 7 AM because she owes her an all-nighter and wants to make amends.  Really?  As much as KJ was wrong in turning her back on everyone, she really doesn’t owe NM anything considering NM took credit for KJ’s designs. 

UPA wants SS to go to Buenos Aires with him for the holidays.  She needs to take care of her family.  UPA thinks she wants to stay for DD.  He says that trip is his gift to her and her coming can be her gift to him.  She says, But I bought you a book.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  That?  Was awesome.  I bought you a plane ticket so you bought me a book.  Classic.  She’s left to think about it.

Granny pulls JL aside to ask what Chuck knows about JL and RR.  JL says that Chuck has already told what he knows.  Granny insists that JL go find Chuck.  Then Granny gets a call, gets mean, and goes downstairs to meet someone.

Jonathan shows up to talk to SE.  Aww, young love.

Chuck is tearing through files, looking more and more like a neurotic vampire.  He tells JL she should be worried.  He refuses to look at her because she disgusts him because she disrespected the family by hanging out with RR the poor man.  She blames Chuck for making his father get in the car and for meddling.  He says the blood is on her hands so she smacks him across the face to show that her hands have no blood at all.  She immediately apologizes.  He says when he gets his money, he’ll disappear.

Chuck goes to leave downstairs, and SE tries to stop him.  SE says that he’s buried his step-father and doesn’t want to lose his brother.  Chuck says, We’re not brothers.  Oh.  Knife to my heart.  That’s so sad because Chuck was the only one who treated SE like a person when SE was still suicidal and just came out.  They really were brothers and their relationship has been so endearing.  So sad!

Chuck heads out and B follows even though BN tells her not to.  The writers have really made BoringNate out to be a really bad friend in times of need.  Sure, he’s there, but he’s not doing anything. 

Granny tells JL that she found out that the super secret about JL is in enemy hands and they should sell the info to the highest bidder.  JL thinks it’s the worst time to let the super secret come out.  Granny says it’s the best time to reveal the super secret.

B finds C on the street and wants to go with him.  She wants to be there for him.  He tells her she’s not his girlfriend.  She says that he’s him and she’s her.  Then she says—and she must be reading my recaps to say this—they are ChuckAndBlair, BlairAndChuck.  She will stand by him through anything.  He asks why and she says, Because I love you.  Oh. My. God.  SHE SAID IT!  She said I LOVE YOU.  He says, That’s too bad, and leaves in the limo.  Nooooooo!

SS tells DD that UPA invited her to Buenos Aires.  I have no idea where they are or why they’re walking in the rain.  He says she should pack a bikini.  She goes back to the conversation they never finished at the Snowflake Ball and how neither of them wound up sleeping with the UberTools.  She wants him to tell her not to go with UPA, but DD refuses to tell her what she should do. Then he mumbles really quickly and leaves.

At home, PapaCy tells B that they are family.  She says that C is as soulless as ever even after she admitted she loves him.  Then she cries.  PC says that C needs time.  They hug.  Then B asks for more hugging.  Finally, B has a parent who treats her lovingly.

Granny haunts JL some more, asking what JL’s going to do about loving RR.  JL has tried to fight it, but she can’t stop loving him.  SS overhears, realizes why C was so upset.  Then for no apparent reason, she points out that FatherSlime is dead.  JL reminds her that she stopped being with RR so SS could be with DD.  SS says that UPA asked her to go to Buenos Aires and she’s going to go…if that’s okay with JL.  Nice way of sort of asking permission.  JL is happy to let her go off to a foreign land with someone she barely knows.  SS tells JL to be with RR.

DD finds KJ in her room at the Poor House.  She’s steaming NM’s outfit.  She tells DD that if he plays the game, he’ll get the girl.  She orders him to carry the garment bag so that he can come along to NM’s wedding and see SS there.

JL calls RR to ask him to go away for the holidays since the kids are all away somewhere.  Wait a minute.  Where’s SuicidalEric going to be?  The Humphrey kids are going to their mom’s and SS is going abroad, but what about SE?  Nice one, JL.  And nice not to care about C, even though he hates you.  Such a bad parent.  RR can’t wait six months to six years, so he agrees to go with JL.

The private dick brings C the super secret information because C is the only bidder.  Granny told the detective that she was going public with the info, but he doesn’t believe it.  C doesn’t know if he should buy the info if it’s going to be public anyway.  Private Dick tells him to make a wise decision since he’s going to be the richest kid in New York.

At the Waldorf house before the wedding, SS tells UPA she’s going away with him.  KJ and DD arrive.  DD says he carried the garment bag—an OBVIOUS reference to Dirty Dancing’s Baby saying she carried a watermelon.  UPA checks on PC.  DD tells SS he doesn’t want her to go with UPA.  She says that JL and RR are in love and she can’t ask JL to stop loving RR a second time when things between SS and DD never work out.  Then B interrupts to get SS’s fashion advice.  SS hugs DD and says she’ll be in touch post-holiday.

Chuck meets with JL, saying he can’t believe she’s going to go public with her super secret.  She says it’s Granny’s decision.  He says Granny lied.  She begs him not to turn his back on the people FatherSlime didn’t trust.

NM and PC get married.  UPA and SS hold hands at the ceremony.  B tears up.  Servant Lady smiles and gets teary eyed.

MUSICAL MONTAGE!  The wedding ends with laughter and clapping. DD walks the streets depressed and brooding.  Chuck burns the super secret info.  JL removes her ring.  RR wears a too-tight turtleneck as he packs his guitar .  B laughs as champagne is poured.  PC toasts to the Waldorf-Rosens.  B finds C in her room and snaps at him for a second but he’s completely broken so she cradles him and he falls into her and he’s so lost.  Swooooon.

RR busily scribbles a note at home.  No doubt, this is how he’s informing his children about his going away for the holidays and have a good Christmas and all without making sure they get to their mom’s or anything.

ETA: I was right about the note.  Upon pausing my DVR, I could see what it said.  It’s written in that dad-like all-caps handwriting except for when he’s writing the closing.

Dear Dan and Jenny,

I’m going out of town for a few days.  Don’t worry–it’s all good and when I return hopefully we’ll have lots to talk about.  Your mom is expecting you tomorrow and is going to pick you up at the train.

Have a great holiday.

Love you gu…

This?  Is bad parenting.  Don’t worry it’s all good?  What middle-aged man says that?  Certainly not one who wears too-tight turtlenecks (although I have to admit he is a hottie).  Have a great holiday?  Like he has to be politically correct towards his children.  Dude, it’s okay to say Merry Christmas when you know your offspring don’t bask in the glow of Kwanzaa candles.

Granny arrives in Poor Brooklyn.  She wants JL to be happy.  He doesn’t want Granny to come between him and JL.  Granny says the problem is that JL’s in love with RR and they can never be together if JL holds onto her super secret.

UPA decides that the first time he and SS sleep together will be on the airplane.  They cuddle in the limo with a neck pillow.

RR broods in the dark Poor House when DD arrives home from his brooding walk.  DD sarcastically thanks RR for not telling him that RR and JL are in love again.  RR says that SS doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that the note and the packing mean nothing because RR isn’t going anywhere.

DD calls SS.  She doesn’t want to answer the phone in front of UPA.  He says she can because he knows she still has some feelings for DD and he wants her to work them out because UPA is falling in love with her.  She ignores the call and macks it with UPA.  Omigod, she fell for that.  The only reason he said that was so she wouldn’t answer the phone.

ANOTHER MUSICAL MONTAGE!  UPA and SS mack it.  B and C spoon on her bed.  JL waits in Grand Central with her bags for RR.

RR arrives in Grand Central with an angry frown.  He storms up to JL and says: Tell me one thing—was it a boy or a girl?  That’s it?  She was pregnant and got an abortion, no doubt forced to by Granny? That’s the super secret?  I was hoping she was a hermaphrodite or something.

Back to B’s house.  She’s now alone with only a note:

I’m sorry for everything.

You deserve much better.

Don’t come looking for me.

Chuck

Nooooooooooooo.  Not my ChuckAndBlair!!!!!!!!!