Waaaaaaaaaa–No New Episodes Until Next Year
Highlights: What do we think may happen?
How sure are we that FatherSlime, aka Bart Bass, is dead? We do not know what kind of accident he had. We did not see a body. We know he had a shitload of money and young female blood on his hands (figuratively–Chuck usually has the literal kind from all the deflowering he does, forceful and otherwise). The private investigator who was with him before the accident, as I pointed out last week, was unscathed, and that’s left unexplained.
Here’s a cool plot twist. FatherSlime is alive and in hiding for whatever stupid reason he came up with–something like he was finally developing a genuine rapport with his only son so he had to stop that quickly and remain the crappy stoic father he’s been all these years. So he fakes his own death. JudgyLily immediately marries RockinRufus who forgives her for the super secret Granny told him (we’ll get to that ridiculousness in a second). Then FatherSlime shows up alive and well, rendering JudgyLily a polygamist, a huge no-no in most socially elite circles.
Maybe Chuck is in on the faked death, and has left to live with his father in hiding, which is why he pushed SuicidalEric away and left Blair with only a note. Then again, a date-rapey seventeen year old with a penchant for fine whiskey may not be capable of pulling off that kind of torturous, heart-breaking charade of single-teardom.
JudgyLily’s super secret sounds super dumb. Super uber dumb. They couldn’t come up with anything better than “was it a boy or a girl?” Maybe the “it” isn’t a person. Maybe RockinRufus is asking about a puppy she drowned, and he was using personification because he’s deep and musical. The “it” may be a person, but perhaps a person she killed or maimed or kept as a sex slave. Alas, I have a feeling “it” is indeed a love child. A commenter on NYMag’s blog suggested that Jonathan, SuicidalEric’s ex-boyfriend, is the love child. That? Would be awesome. I don’t think it will happen, unless the writers aren’t sure who it is and read that blog and decide it’s a really good idea.
SluttySerena nor Suicidal Eric can be the love child. The timing wouldn’t make sense. DownerDan nor KleptoJenny can be the love child since they came out of Alison, not JudgyLily. LongLostVanessa cannot be the love child because she’s a little too funky, so while RockinRufus could be in her DNA, JudgyLily, no matter how hip she claims she was, cannot. UberPretentiousAaron’s ex-uberpretentious-girlfriend could be the love child, but I don’t think she’s coming back on the show since DownerDan didn’t sleep with her so that’s out of the question.
Maybe a foreign exchange student will appear at school and that will just so happen to be the love child. Hey, this is interesting. DownerDan and SluttySerena will get together when UberPretentiousAaron gets bored of pretending to be in love with SluttySerena and dumps her. Then they will both find out that their parents have a love child, and they will find out that RockinRufus has forgiven JudgyLily and they are getting married after all. Which means that DownerDan and SluttySerena will be step-siblings dating one another, and will each share the same half-sibling. Now if they have babies, then their babies will somehow be related already but not quite.
Then KleptoJenny will have more temper tantrums because there’s another child involved that takes attention away from her. SuicidalEric may succeed in committing suicide after realizing what a ridiculous family he’s part of, especially after his own mother left him for the holidays. LongLostVanessa will also commit suicide, seeing as how she cannot get RockinRufus to love her no matter how much time she spends hanging around the Poor Art Gallery And Cafe in her Forever 21 gear.
Where has Chuck gone? Spending his time boinking flight attendants from plane to plane? Living out of his limo? To a dark, dark place?
Boring Nate. Boring. But so pretty. He will be relieved when LongLostVanessa commits suicide because he will realize how slumming isn’t really the way he wants to live after all.
Blair will never get over Chuck, and she will pine away until he returns from said dark place. However, she will never feel horrible about herself again because PapaCy is there to put NastyMom in her place. I still think PapaCy and NastyMom may run into the Humphrey-van der Woodsen love child on their honeymoon. She will take all her anger and sadness out on the chickadees.