The Darkest Realm Of All
Highlights: JudgyLily, RockinRufus, and Evil Uncle Jack compete for World’s Worst Parent or Guardian; Blair masters the art of fooling herself; SluttySerena and DownerDan reunite the toolbox; KleptoJenny returns to the life of a fifteen year old and as SuicidalEric’s best fag hag
Is your heart beating quickly with anticipation? Boys and girls, it’s time to exhale. Gossip Girl has returned from our New Year’s festivities. SluttySerena tangoed with old men in Buenos Aires. DownerDan celebrated (read: brooded) alone. KleptoJenny is going back to high school. Blair has found a new social ladder to climb with the Colony Club, a group of middle-aged women. Uncle Jack Bass is out looking for Chuck. Chuck is smoking the hooka pipe in a sweat hut somewhere in a jungle with a hot Asian chick. LongLostVanessa is still visiting her grandma (which means we don’t have to see her this episode!). No mention of BoringNate. He’s probably checking the cake (inside joke—for those of you who watch The Soup).
RockinRufus returns home from his Boston trip not having found the sculptor or painter he told DD he was on the hunt for. Wait a minute. After he got angry with JL, didn’t he tell DD and KJ he wasn’t going anywhere? So then he skipped out on the holidays with the children he knows to go to Boston in search of an artist, which is obviously a total fabrication. This? Is stupid. He wants to go to school with DD. Because he’s still regressing to when he was a teenager.
B is honored to be in the running for the Colony Club. She tells Servant Lady that she wants a perfect future, Chuckless. Then she gets a text from Chuck’s uncle, saying that he found C and they’re headed home.
KJ tells SE that she can handle high school after all the adult stuff she’s been through. Then she admits she’s a little nervous. Nelli Yuki is happy KJ is back. The chickadees immediately reprimand Nelli Yuki for talking to KJ. SE points out that Nelli Yuki is the new old KJ. He warns KJ to not get involved.
Evil Uncle Jack is H. O. T. He finds B and SL on a sidewalk and pulls C out of a limo, all disheveled and pale. B orders SL to go home.
Upon arriving at school, RR wants to make a plan with DD for later because they missed the holidays together and RR has no friends and needs to hang out with his son to feel wanted and liked. DD goes to class and RR gets a call from an adoption agency in Boston. The lady says that they have no record of the adoption he described and suggests he talk to the birth mother. He says he was going to do that because he’s been looking in Boston all week and found nothing. Let me reiterate: he skipped the holiday celebration with his own children to look for a child he does not know.
DD and SS meet up. She’s tan and newly single, having dumped Uber Pretentious Aaron three hours into the fifteen hour flight. There goes the Mile High Club points. Unless they had break up sex. She got an email from her mom that said JL and RR would never be together, so she waited in Buenos Aires to decide if she should be with Downer Dan again. DD feels the same way she does and so now they’re back together. Jeez. They mack it—the two original tools become one again. At least UPA won’t be around anymore, touting his unfortunate facial hair and manipulation skills.
B and SS embrace in the hallway at school. B says C was so messed up and admits she told him she loved him. SS thinks that’s great but B insists it’s not. Then DD shows up and B goes to vomit. Me, too.
JudgyLily finds RR in the Poor Art Gallery. He wants to know where the child is and then bemoans the Boston adoption agencies. She says it was a boy and she gave up her rights to look for him. RR says it’s not fair because he’s a father, not a rock star, and deserves to know his other son.
At a coffee and yogurt shop, the Chickadees torture Nelli Yuki while KJ and SE watch on as if it’s a scene from The Hills. RandomGirlPenelope makes her clean her shoe and KJ intervenes. She tells RG to be nice. RG says sure, and then drops yogurt on her own shoe again to make Yuki clean it again. KJ pulls Yuki away. RG orders DroopyHazel to clean it.
B finds C smoking the reefer in the school courtyard. She wants to know if he has something to say to her. He stares blankly and silently. Then Head Mistress Quigley scolds him for smoking a giant joint.
RR walks in on DD and SS mackin it in the Poor House. He wants SS to go home and never be there if he’s not there because he feels left out. Before SS is even out of the room, he tells DD that it’s a big mistake to get back with her. Because obviously, she’s gonna get pregnant and give up the baby for adoption and not tell DD and make him find out seventeen years later through a dossier of her life.
B goes with C to HMQ’s office to defend him. EvilUncle comes in and C greets him because C doesn’t remember how his uncle brought him home in the rickshaw. B wants to stand up for C anyway. MHQ says that C was smoking pot and C corrects that it was hash. B says that legally C would be found temporarily insane, so if a court couldn’t convict him, they can’t either. So then C pulls out another joint for the walk home and EU asks what kind of suspension will be involved.
RR plays 90s depression rock during the Poor Humphrey Breakfast. Where are the waffles? KJ loves SS and is happy she and DD are back together. In fact, I think KJ wants to date SS herself. DD knows that RR hates SS because of JL and doesn’t understand why RR can have input on DD’s relationship but DD can’t comment on RR’s. Actually, DD, that’s right—you DON’T get to comment because that’s your father, an adult, and as your father, he has every right to approve or disapprove of your relationships and you don’t get to have a say about his. However, in DD’s defense, rarely do the parents play the parent role so I’ll let the snotty tool comment (You’re not gonna walk me to school today? I’m heartbroken!) slide. Plus, it’s Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
BTW—What’s up with RR’s too tight turtleneck collection?
At school, KJ brings her defense case for Yuki to B, saying that it’s not cool that the Chickadees broke Yuki’s glasses. RG says that if Yuki leaves the group without hassle, the Chickadees will be finished. B says that she’s hosting the Colony Club and she doesn’t care about the Yuki nonsense. RG goes a little nutso, suggesting Yuki leave the group in a body bag, and even DroopyHazel calls her out on it.
SS and DD bemoan their star-crossed forbidden cursed love. B approaches so DD leaves. B tells her about C’s hash smoking. SS says C always disappears but then comes back. B says this time, C is different. SS suggests they wait until nighttime and then if he’s still missing, they’ll look for him. Because looking for a missing person is always better in the dark. Then SS has to run to class. Since when is SS so concerned with getting to class on time?
SE, KJ, and Yuki are sitting at the Chickadee’s table at the coffee yogurt place. Since when do they have a table there? Where IS this place? Then a shitload of people come in and KJ tells them all to sit wherever they like. RG swears to get KJ. She calls her dad and says that she’s being bullied and that he should report it to HMQ.
B finds C at the burlesque club that he bought back the night before. She tells him to go home and he says he has no home and he’s hosting a party. He wants her to let go of her fantasies and asks if she’s going to profess her love again. She storms out.
DD arrives at the Poor House with SS to rummage through RR’s stuff. She finds a ring and thinks RR proposed to JL who denied him and that’s why RR is angry. DD says that it’s his mom’s ring but the theory was a good one. Then SS gets a text from B and leaves. DD finds RR’s Map of Boston Adoption Agencies. DD calls the number and hears adoption and then thinks RR is giving him up for adoption. Okay, not really.
B arrives home and cries in her mirror without tears. She then grabs her own neck and stiffens up. She’s okay again.
KJ is in trouble at school because the Chickadees claimed she was bullying them. Then Yuki babbles about the secrets she knows about the Chickadees. Information that could have been helpful yesterday, Nelli Yuki.
DD confronts RR about Boston. RR asks if Chuck Bass said anything to DD. Man, this is just pathetic. DD is appalled that C knows something about the Humphrey family that DD does not know. RR says that now isn’t the right time for DD to know and refuses to give up any information.
SS meets B but B has pulled herself together. SS says B is all C has. B insists upon hosting the Colony Club. SS says they need to help C if he’s in trouble. Umm, wasn’t SS the one who said that B shouldn’t worry and they should wait on it? B says that she’s saving her own life instead of worrying about C. GOOD FOR YOU, BLAIR!!!!! SS could learn something here. Instead, SS gives B a condescending shake of the head before getting on the elevator to leave.
DD goes to C’s club to ask about RR and JL. DD babbles about artists and orphans. C says he was going to keep JL’s secret but since they’re even, he tells DD that JL and RR had a love child and RR just found out. The last person to tell would be SS and even C wouldn’t share a sibling with a lover. Yes, even C has boundaries.
B sucks up to the Colony Club in her living room. They ask B about the company she keeps. They don’t approve of SS’s cleavage on Page Six. They’re happy Father Slime died. They think C is an abomination. B tells them that the Van der Woodsens are kind and that she needs to go help C. She says that the Colony Club is just like high school.
C meanders around the club in a haze. SE shows up to tell him to come home. C says it was nice to having SE as a little brother. Awwwwwwww! I KNEW C loved SE like a brother. C says he’s going to check out things from higher up. SE goes outside when he gets a text from KJ.
The Chickadees are threatening to ruin KJ and KJ spills all the rumors about them that she’s going to send to Gossip Girl if they don’t back down. RG thinks KJ wants back into the group to go to the Collegiate Party and KJ says she doesn’t care and is doing a good deed. The Chickadees are bored and walk away. Yuki is upset because she thought KJ was going to take over the Chickadees in a new regime, and then Yuki runs after RG because she did all this because she wants to go to the party. KJ goes to get hot chocolate with SE. Hey, umm, where’s Jonathan and what did he have to say to SE last episode?
RR arrives at JL’s to say that DD knows. JL wants to know what her kids will think of her. She says she was heart broken and scared and not ready and has had a hole in her ever since she gave up their kid. RR doesn’t hate her and neither will her kids, but he needs time. Six months to six years, perhaps? (awesome memory if you get that!).
DD finds SS at C’s club. DD wants to tell SS what he found out.
EvilUncle finds B at the party. He’s drinking and boasting that his family really can throw a party. She says EU isn’t a great influence. SE, being half hugged by EU, tells them that C is taking in the view from above. EU thinks C’s upstairs. B says he knows nothing about C and that C has a penchant for rooftops.
C is singing to himself as he skips along the edge of the roof. He drops his glass and it smashes in slow motion on the sidewalk. He says, oops. He could be next. Is this karma? He tried to rape KJ on a rooftop so now he bites it on a rooftop?
EvilUncle calls out, CHUCK! when he and B get on the roof. C teeters on the edge. B calls EU an idiot and says that you can’t surprise someone standing on a ledge. B needs to write an advice book. EU tells C to come down because his father wouldn’t want this. C says he knows what his father didn’t want—him. He yells out, I’m Chuck Bass! Then he whispers, Who cares?
B runs over and says she cares. She can’t take it if he leaves. She tells him he can’t do anything to himself because he’d be doing it to her. She reaches out her hand. He looks at it. Then C gives her his hand. He squeezes. Then he climbes down and buries his head in her neck. He apologizes. She soothes him, saying it’s okay. I melt.
DD starts to tell SS outside of the club the big news but then gets a call from RR. RR says that he and JL are going in search of their child. WHAT THE???? When the hell did that happen? How can they simply up and leave like that? RR instructs DD to keep the secret from SS because that’s something between Mother and Daughter. Which is great when Mother is going away and can’t tell Daughter until she gets back, possibly with the secret in tow. Also, in this case, it’s something among Mother, Daughter, Step-Son, deceased Husband, ex-Lover, and Son. And never mind telling SE and KJ. Can we say “bad parenting?”
B tells EU to take C back to the Van der Woodsen place. EU says C will be better with him. B doesn’t trust EU and says that C cannot find out about New Year’s. EU smirks and goes away in the limo with C while B gives them the death stare.
DD tells SS that RR is going away. She rubs DD’s face.
JL and RR load up into her car, beginning the long-overdue search for their lovechild, leaving two of their children completely in the dark about where they’re going and with no supervision at home.