You Know That Uncle That Gets Drunk And Lecherous? Don’t Be That Uncle
Highlights: Evil Uncle Jack becomes creepy; Chuck finds out the consequences of trusting family; Blair’s no one’s wife; the search for the star crossed love child continues
Why is it that SluttySerena can go to Buenos Aires on a fifteen hour flight, break up with UberPretentiousAaron three hours in, dance around shanty towns with old men who don’t speak English but wear fine white hats, and return thinner with a tan while I go to Mexico for a jaunt and come back whiter and chubbier while simultaneously struggling with intestinal rebellion? Oh, that’s right, because she’s rich.
Chuck continues to perfect the art of frowning without moving a facial muscle while EvilUncle perfects his creepiness enough for me to start calling him CreepyUncle. Blair scolds CreepyUncle for being creepy. C comes out of The Palace to meet B and Creepy Uncle when BoringNate suddenly appears to support him in his time of need during the reading of the will. Then, and this is what it looks like to me, go back into The Palace.
Over in very poor Brooklyn, KleptoJenny insists that her dad must be boffing JudgyLily on their excursion—you know, the trip RockinRufus and JL left for while informing only half of their offspring. DownerDan insists otherwise. KJ suggest that DD doesn’t want RR to be with JL because he’s back with SluttySerena. Then he gets a restricted call and stares at the phone.
JL is missing the reading of the will. The will reader asks C if he’s okay with CU being his legal guardian. Casks CU if he can have girls sleep over, CU says sure thing (as long as he can get in on it no doubt), so C is fine with it. All assets are in a trust for C to start blowing on his 18th birthday. 29 % of Bass Industries remains with the board and 20% is for JL. Then he hands a letter to C who doesn’t want to read it because it’s about his inheritance.
B and BN want C to read the letter but he doesn’t want to because he thinks his father wrote to him about how he sucks. B reads it aloud. It says that he was hard on C and knows how hard being a man is so the majority share of Bass Industries will go to him. CU and C are upset by this. C doesn’t want it because his dad never thought he was worthy while alive. He tells CU he can have it.
SuicidalEric complains to SS while walking down the street in the cold. Don’t they have a car service? Why are they always walking everywhere? He says that KJ keeps showing up whenever he’s out with Jonathan, and SS says she has no other friends. Then they come upon KJ planning a film festival with Jonathan and she loves their matching backpacks.
SS finds DD to tell him that their parents aren’t getting back together so now they can mack it and he doesn’t have to avoid her. DD lies that that was what he was worried about and says that they’re good.
In some orphanage far, far away, RR gets a frantic phone call from DD about how he’s lying to SS and she has a right to know. RandomGirl and the chickadees overhear and want to tell SS. Then they start talking about B behind her back for no apparent reason.
B chases after C to tell him that his father trusts him with the Bass legacy and she knows he can do it; all he needs to do is read the rest of the letter. He walks away, reading. CU creepily stares on through the glass in the door.
In the school courtyard, everyone stares at DD as he walks through. He shakes his head and keeps walking, knowing the feeling of everyone hating him. Again. Or still.
C goes to CU’s office to say he owes him a lot but will be taking over Bass Industries. CU says he will have to turn 18 to do so because it’s not an after school job and he has no experience. C says that he’ll find a place for CU in the company if he wants to stay. CU leaves. C flairs his nostrils, and then takes a seat at his new desk, obviously drunk with power.
CU calls B. Oh, God, he keeps getting creepier! What adult male thinks it’s okay, for any reason, to call up the cell phone of a sixteen year old girl he’s not even related to? He apologizes and wants to make things right because C is his only family. He wants to throw a party for C taking over and B suggests that partying while FatherSlime is dead is tasteless. He really wants to do something nice so he invites himself to dinner with her, C, and their friends, so that he has his pick of the litter, or rather the chickadees in this case.
RR and JL are pissed because the adoption agency is following their rules. RR wants to find his own lawyer and JL tells RR to stop thinking about himself. The agent says he’ll try to get in touch with the family.
B tells SS that GossipGirl is looking for evidence of DD cheating on SS. B says no one would want DD. The chickadees smile, thinking they’re helping. B leaves to get ready for dinner. No one has attended class today.
DD and LongLostVanessa arrive at Dylan’s Candy Store where NelliYuki suddenly appears. DD tells her about RR and JL’s secret. So now LLV knows before KJ, SE, and SS. LLV drops all her candy while NelliYuki steals DD’s phone out of his pocket without either of them realizing it. Seriously. These people need self-defense classes. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS! Then the mini-chickadees show up and once again confront DD for cheating on SS. They tell LLV that she’s failing upwards by dating BN after DD. He leaves, LLV stays, and NelliYuki remains crouched behind a candy counter with stolen goods in her possession.
CU greets C at home and wants him to reschedule B for dinner. He tells him that Chuck Bass can’t work all day and go home to the wife. Then he opens Door Number 2 to reveal a bunch of whores, ready to go. This is so wrong on so many levels. So. Gross.
LLV finds SS at the Poor Art Gallery to ask if DD has said anything to her about them, admittedly a pathetic inquiry. LLV lies and says she knows nothing. SS knows that DD can keep secrets form her. LLV smiles a smile that says, I’m not telling you anything so go away. Then she texts DD when SS leaves about RR and JL.
At some club, the chickadees praise NelliYuki for stealing DD’s phone. They get the text from LLV and figure out that RR and JL have a love child. They tell NelliYuki that her probation is now a little bit shorter.
Jeez. Now B’s sporting boobs like SS. She gets a text from C that says he’s working late. It simply leaves out the part about the kind of work he’s doing. In a limo. With alcohol. With vaginas. With his uncle. So. Gross.
Over in the world’s most taking-forever-storyline RR gets a call from the adoption agency. He tells JL that the adoptive family doesn’t want to talk to them ever. He brushes JL off and leaves.
SS and B attend a casual setting party in a library where C is supposed to be meeting the members of the board. She gets a text from CU that says they’ve arrived. KJ and DD come in. KJ wants to find SE. DD is using RR’s old cell. He finds SS because he loves brunch and it’s perfect and he thinks it’s crazy he’s here.
CU walks in as B and the attendees sing For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow. No C, though. CU says that C is in the office after a rather rough night. Then the chickadees interrupt to tell B about the Gossip Girl hit for DD’s cheating ways. She gives them the okay to release what they have on him without knowing what it is. Then CU introduces B to the Bass Industries people and she shows them to C’s office.
KJ sits with SE and he tells her that he needs to hang out with Jonathan alone. She’s mad that SE is conceited and wants to hang out with his boyfriend alone. He tells KJ she’s annoying. Thank you, Suicidal Eric! She storms away.
Then everyone gets the Gossip Girl blast, including JK and SE. Then SS flips open her cell. She pouts at it. Then DD reads over her shoulder and pouts, too. No one says anything, though. The chickadees stare and offer fake sympathetic glares. SS leaves.
B opens C’s office door with the big wigs in tow to find C enveloped in whores with pills and cigars strewn across the desk. He’s all slurring and pale. The board members storm out.
Down at brunch, SS blames DD for their parents having a love child. KJ and SE look at each other dismayed.
B returns to the brunch to drink champagne. The board members storms after her. Then C arrives to pull up his pants. He tells the board members that he didn’t know they were going to be there. They don’t understand what his father was thinking and they all leaves. He tells B to stop trying to play wife.
DD follows SS out to say that RR told him that JL wanted to tell SS herself. He tells SS to call JL right away. He says that’s why they’re in Boston. Then SE emerges to ask if it’s true and SS says it is because she found out at the same time he did so she has some authority of course. Then KJ says this is why they fight like siblings. What the? Sharing a sibling doesn’t make them all related. DD wants to get all the facts. SS wants to process this alone.
JL packs in Boston but RR isn’t ready to leave. He wants to write a harassing letter to the family. He says that it works out well since she doesn’t want to meet her son. She says that she’s thought about him every day and she doesn’t want to make more mistakes. He doesn’t want to fail and wants one more day. She says that one more day is excruciating because she’s still in love with RR and she doesn’t want him to hate her forever. He then starts mackin it with her because that’s fairly appropriate right about now.
RR and JL lie in bed together, reminiscing about the old times. His phone rings. He frantically writes down a bunch of information. The adoptive father wants to meet with them without his wife knowing. They’re good at lying and sneaking, so this will work out.
C finds CU eating after the brunch. He wonders how his only family could ruin him. CU says that FatherSlime placed him on the other side of the world and has repaid him by giving the company to his pecker son. CU says that there’s a morality clause that allows the board to replace C with CU so now he’s in charge.
JL and RR meet the adoptive dad in a restaurant. He has something he has to tell them.
SE finds SS in her room to see if she’s okay because him, being the one who most recently attempted suicide between the two of them, is the more level headed.
DD goes to the Poor Art Gallery to find LLV and finds BN there, celebrating his anniversary with LLV. He tells DD he saw the blast and knows what he’s going through. Instead of allowing the sympathy, DD gets all tooly and is like, Really?? You found out your girlfriend shares a sibling you never knew you had? Because DD’s problems are the world’s only problems and no one could possibly relate to his woes. BN found out who his real friends were through his own problems and says that LLV has been talking about DD and then apologizes for kissing KJ. He wants BN to tell LLV he stopped by. Actually, he calls her “V”. Yes, they’ve started calling her V. Ugh.
The adoptive dad starts telling RR and JL a story about sailing. Any story that starts with a boat and is about someone you’ve never met ends in death. Andrew, the love child, was caught in a rip tide. RR and JL are so sorry; if they had known, they wouldn’t have bothered. Had known? They didn’t even think about the possibility. I’m surprised RR isn’t blaming them for killing his son. The dad says that his wife has had a lot of trouble with it and hands them a newspaper clipping. JL asks if he was happy and the dad says that he always smiled. Nice to rub in the pain, JL. How much you wanna bet this dude is lying?
C arrives at B’s with her favorite flowers and an apology. She says that it’s too late and she won’t let him self-destruct. She says he has to blame himself because she and his father believed in him. She’s done. He steps back on the elevator and the doors shut but not before she throws the flowers at his feet for the long trip back down alone.
Over in the Poor House, KJ and DD talk about what they aren’t going to talk about. Then SS and SE arrive. DD babbles quickly about the secret and wanting to tell her. He wants to know if it’s incest to date the sibling of a half-sibling and hopes someone in Russian literature has an answer. SS says that Cher from Clueless dated her step-brother. I’d never thought I’d say this but Thank You, Serena! for putting ToolDownerDan and his too-smart-references to shame.
KJ serves SE a plate of something (waffles?!?!!) and he apologizes first. They talk about getting on each other’s nerves. SS and DD come into the kitchen and want sandwiches. Dangit, not waffles. I guess only RR can make waffles.
Now it’s a musical montage but with funky music! C strips off his tie. The distraught wife finds her husband in the restaurant and asks if it’s over; he says that they’ve lost one son and they can’t lose another. See? I so friggin called that! (You see, the clipping was about their other son and not the RR/JL love child). Plus, for even MORE comedy, the dad says he and his wife have to lie because they have money. Obviously, he does not know that RR is poverty stricken. JL suggests to RR that they’re not meant to be a family as they open the door to the Poor House to see all their offspring there. They immediately join hands and my heart skips a beat because this has got even more chaos written all over it.