I Heart Vili Fualaau
Highlights: ChildTeacher somehow finds DownerDan’s pretentious toolness endearing while SluttySerena gets jealous; Blair wages a war without much of an arsenal; Chuck tries to remember the greatest night of his life; RockinRufus kinda acts like a parent
War, what is it good for? It’s a good way for Blair to find something to complain about. She strolls through the park on her cell, complaining to SluttySerena who’s shoulder deep in her closet. Blair breaks to scold ServantLady for how she’s picking up leaves and trash incorrectly. SS blames B for her troubles and defends ChildTeacher. B then makes fun of DownerDan for no apparent reason other than that she’s talking to SS.
B tells ServantLady that SS is siding with the enemy and can’t recruit her. GayDaddy shows up and tells her she’s handling her punishment with grace so he has a picnic lunch. She so wanted to handle this on her own. By her own, she means getting SL to do it for her. GD hugs her and leaves with the dog.
ChildTeacher and DD meet in a cafe to talk about his short story that she praises. She asks if any other student takes the subway and he says that only the poor people do. They exchange a quick-fire mockery of all things rich—i. e. all things not them; ergo, all things of which they are jealous and desperate to have but feign an above-all-that attitude to get by. SS walks in to find ChildTeacher and DD. Oh, they call their teacher Rachel, her first name, because that’s really appropriate in high school. DD leaves awkwardly and SS goes to sit while CT raves about DD’s references to King Lear.
Chuck Bass awakes! He’s wearing a button down black shirt. He has a tattoo on the inside of his right wrist. He has flashbacks to the night before. It’s filled with women, most of whom are licking him. He calls BoringNate to ask if they spoke the night before because it was the greatest night of C’s life.
B finds CT on the steps at the school. B pretends to be nice but when CT walks away, she approaches the Chickadees with a plan for a take-down. None of the girls want to help B because HMQ will call Yale and say it’s all good. B takes a stand to say that it’s not about Yale, but about their legacy as Chickadees. None of them are with her.
HMQ comes outside to announce their new school policy: No cell phone usage during school hours. They all have to check their phones at the door. NelliYuki calls it evil. B wonders if they’re with her now, and of course they are.
The Chickadees wonder in the bathroom about Gossip Girl and scandals. ServantLady arrives incognito to smuggle cell phones to B. DroopyHazel pipes up, Thank you, Jesus! B corrects, No, Thank you, Blair. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! NelliYuki wants to check the dow. B tells the girls to dig deep into CT’s past to run her out of Constance. They all scramble for the phones.
C meets up with BN and, by annoying necessity LLV. He received a business card yesterday that he thought was for a business meeting but was for the ultimate private gentlemen’s club. They go into a mansion-like building that he has a key for and then again as he tells the tale, there are flashback to girls. Basically, yesterday for Chuck Bass was a scene from Eyes Wide Shut, hopefully without the annoying one-note piano. He doesn’t remember a whole lot, but he hopes the building will jog his memory.
The Chickadees are still in the bathroom, complaining that they can’t find any dirt on CT. B tells them to make something up if they can’t find something bad, and then calls them idiots.
DD literally bumps into CT in the hall. Is it just me or does DD literally knock into people more than the average person does? He picks up the books that he made her drop and says that he likes her sweater and then babbles on as only DD can about her wardrobe. B looks on from a doorway. The Chickadees line up behind her and tells them to abandon the first plan because she’s found something better. B emails GG about the Mary Kay Latourneau alert. Omigod, I love B, even when she’s evil.
At school, DD finds himself in the rare position of people in the courtyard smiling at him and patting him on the back instead of completely shunning him. KleptoJenny finds him and asks if he wants to say anything to her. He takes that as an opportunity to tell her that her teen angst phase make-up made her look like one of The Incredibles. God, he’s such a tool! She shows him her hand that NelliYuki wrote on—it says that DD and CT are probably having an affair. SS comes in while KJ leaves and she wants to know that it’s not true. He says that it’s absolutely not and wonders why anyone would do this. SS thinks that maybe B has something to do with it.
Okay, I’m not making this up. BN is sitting at the piano with LLV, giggling and pushing random keys and it seems more like a fag hag and her gay pal rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m just saying. C is descending the stairs. Oh, no, this really IS Eyes Wide Shut. Incidentally, whenever I type Eyes Wide Shut, I keep writing Eyes Wide Shit by accident. Perhaps it’s not an accident. That movie? Sucked moose wang. Moving on. BN says that this place reminds him of his aunt’s house. C remembers velvet curtains and women with masks. BN wants C to get some rest. C holds up a photograph of a woman holding an infant and says that she is the woman from last night.
Still in the school bathroom, B plays with makeup while DD comes in to accuse her of sending out the rumor. B tells him to write a story about it and have CT give him notes while she’s naked. Dude, get out of the ladies’ room.
SS finds CT on the street to give her the assignment. They then discuss how great DD is. Jeez. CT then mentions that a lot of the students have been looking at her awkwardly and SS clues her into the rumor, saying that eventually everyone forgets. CT learns all about Gossip Girl. Then DD approaches her on the front steps in front of everyone. Good game plan to avoid the rumors.
C calls a real estate agent to tour the mansion and get dirt on the owners. The agent doesn’t want to give out the client’s information. C gets all up in her personal space and puts on his husky hushed charm to try to get her to give. She goes to get water and he calls a residence to talk to a nanny he thinks is the woman he met. The man who answers says that the nanny was watching the kids the night before, but C goes ahead and leaves a message for her anyway.
B goes into HMQ’s office, where CT is waiting. HMQ says that the school has turned a blind eye to Gossip Girl since it’s always been about students, but now a teacher is involved. B denies, denies, denies. CT says that someone came forward to accuse B and B guesses it’s DD. CT says it was then confirmed by a witness. And in walks Nelli. Yuki. Let me say that again.
In. Walks. Nelli. Yuki.
Her head is hanging and B’s jaw is clenched so tightly that her teeth may combust into powder. I’ll avoid discussing how I really don’t think they’d pit one student against the other in the office because this is just too good. NelliYuki says she needs to get into Ivy League. HMQ tells B that they can’t tolerate this kind of behavior, and B gets expelled.
GD tells a semi-sleeping B that HMQ won’t change her mind. B calls this her darkest hour. She’s had several of those. GD says that CT has a legitimate case for slander. B says she may have posted something on Gossip Girl because that’s how she and her friends communicate, and she didn’t lie. He says that the real issue is a teacher having an inappropriate relationship with a student. She thanks her daddy.
At the Poor Cafe, LLV questions DD about SS’s reaction to getting B expelled. DD says that the boyfriend clause is not at stake when B involves DD in her schemes. Then RockinRufus questions him about the slander, which he learned from an emergency meeting of the parents’ council. He asks DD if there’s something they need to talk about. RR, no doubt, is secretly hoping that DD really is boning his teacher. A package arrives for LLV; it’s a business card and a lacy bra. She goes to file it and DD walks away, denying the rumors.
SS meets CT in the park. WHY is CT turning to STUDENTS for consolation about the craziness that’s going this week? THIS is the problem. Do NOT meet your students in a park, in a cafe, anywhere off of school grounds, ESPECIALLY when there are rumors flying about you having an inappropriate sexual relationship with one of them. THIS is inappropriate to begin with. You are not their friend, Rachel Child Teacher! SS begs for B to not be expelled. CT feels terrible but B could have destroyed CT’s future. SS calls Gossip Girl a stupid website and CT won’t budge. She still, however, wants to be SS’s friend. NO! IDIOT! SS calls B when CT leaves. B hands her dog to SL because she doesn’t deserve him because she’s not going to Yale. Then SS sees that CT left her planner on the bench. She sees a meeting for later penciled in.
RR and JudgyLily arrive at school for a parent meeting. GD approaches them to say that B is being scapegoated. RR wants to discuss online honor codes. GD wants to advocate for his daughter. RR wants to make sure that his son is no longer slandered. Heeheeee. Funny.
BN calls C to see if any progress has occured. C says he’s meeting his very flexible chiropractor. Some woman lingers behind C, holding a candle.
CT and DD have coffee. She thanks him for supporting her because she has no friends in the city. He says he could always be a character witness. She’s overwhelmed and is on the verge of tears. She says that she would never do something like that and he’s insulted that she uses the word “never.” Oh, come off of it, Tool, you know what she means. She explains that if he were older and not a student at the brother school of where she teaches, then maybe she’d blow him or something. Okay, she didn’t say that much, but you know she’s thinking it. She’s really, really pathetic. Then she cries and does the girly wave her hand in front of her face thing. Then DD reaches over and tucks her hair away from her face because, like, right, THAT’S necessary to do to a person when she’s crying.
SS arrives just in time to see this and she snaps a shot of them touching each other. He goes to hug her and she stops him. He says he’s just trying to help and she says—and I shit you not—It’s just not appropriate. Really? Now you’re figuring it out. You know what else is not appropriate? MEETING YOUR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT—ESPECIALLY ONE WITH WHOM EVERYONE ALREADY THINKS YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR— IN A COFFEE SHOP OFF OF SCHOOL GROUNDS AT NIGHT ON A SATURDAY TO POUR YOUR HEART OUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.
Meanwhile, C finds out from the mystery lady that he inadvertantly received that invitation and wasn’t supposed to be at the party. She wants to know what he remembers so he macks it with her. He says he remembers nothing else. She says she was at the party for another man—his father. She took over a client list and sent out invitations not realizing. When she found out his name, she drugged him to get him out of there in the hopes he wouldn’t remember anything so that he would be safe. Finally, C brings up that this whole situation is way too much like Eyes Wide Shit (I’m not fixing it anymore). She orders him to stop asking questions because it’s too dangerous for him to know anything.
Oh, jeez. LLV comes over to BN’s in her lacy blindfold—which is not a bra as I thought it was—and says that she got the invitation earlier. He grabs her and they mack it back inside his place.
SS arrives at B’s in a tizzy. B is going to apply to Oberlin. SS says that B was right about DD and CT. B wants proof and realizes that SS has it. SS says that she wants to confront DD first to give him another opportunity. Then SS shows her the picture. B says she’s sorry about DD and B drags her to the parent meeting while yelling at SL to get her dog back. SS texts DD to meet her at school pronto.
At the meeting, GD proclaims that Gossip Girl represents freedom of speech. RR says that B posted slander. One of the women says that they can seek an injunction and shut GG down if it’s slander. JL points out that a hundred other sites will pop up in its place. RR insists that slander is wrong. JL doesn’t want B to lose Yale over this, and RR questions DD’s future.
B busts into the meeting even though it’s closed to students. She asks HMQ to check her email. HMQ does so on the big screen so that the picture of DD and CT pops up. The parents gasp.
DD finds SS at school. She yells at him for lying and says she saw them in the coffee shop. He says that CT was upset and when he went to comfort her, she pulled away. SS says that she took a photo and shows it to him. DD says she can’t show it to anyone. SS says she already gave it to B who’s in the meeting right now.
Then the meeting empties out. RR passes right by DD. DD calls out that it’s not true but RR doesn’t want to be seen in public with DD. CT comes out and says that she got fired. Well, now she really can make out with DD. B comes out to say she’s back in. DD calls what she did a lie. B says that what she said was eerily prophetic. GD overhears and goes to walk home, upset over his daughter’s lie.
DD and SS talk more about their stupid relationship. DD wants to know why SS believes the worst even when he’s telling the truth. She says that part of her probably wanted to. Hold up. Weren’t the roles completely switched last season and DD kept dropping her because he didn’t trust her even though she was being as honest as she could? Tool. Tool. Tool. They realize that their relationship is over. Again. They hug it out. I so want to say that the Era of Couple Tool is over, but I’ve been tricked into that before. Let’s say that the Era of Couple Tool is on hiatus. Again.
Omigod! Omigod! DD is wearing RR’s granny cardigan!!!! They sit in the kitchen of the Poor House, discussing DD’s stupid breakup with SS. DD tells him that CT didn’t do anything. RR says that he believes him, but “meeting a student off hours…” DD gets angry that RR actually wanted CT fired. Well, good! She was being inappropriate! Way to be a dad, RR! Now if only you were a dad all the time and not whenever the mood strikes.
SS goes over to CT’s to return the planner. Then she admits to taking the picture at the coffee shop. CT returns SS’s paper, which she says is good. Then she asks SS to leave. Okay, now CT is a tool. She thinks she did nothing wrong. Join a social group. Meet people at work. Do NOT think your students are your friends. A lesson learned the hard way.
B has her dog back. GD is disappointed in B because she lied to him and allowed him to defend her lie. She did it because Yale was on the line because she has to go there like he did. He says what matters most to him is the type of person she is, not where she goes to school. She wants to take him to the airport but he wants to say goodbye at home. They both have a lot to think about.
C rifles through his father’s safe and finds all the invitations from the secret club. Then he gets a call from the guy who C called before to find the nanny. The nanny never made it home.
DD goes to CT’s house to apologize. He says that the hug was wildy stupid and inappropriate. So CT does what any well-balanced teacher would do—she grabs his head and shoves her tongue into his mouth. She says she doesn’t teach at Constance anymore. So they mack it more and go inside.
At school, HMQ meets with RR and JL because they are in charge of the parents’ council. HMQ says that the rumors are not provable. CT can have her job back to avoid her suing them for wrongful termination. I don’t think CT is old enough to understand that concept. So HMQ is going to call CT to inform her.
SS walks down the street under the biggest umbrella ever. She leaves a message for DD to apologize about everything. She wants to forget this whole CT thing ever happened.
Meanwhile, the clothes are flying off in CT’s house. DD has one missed call.
Umm, yeah, just because you’re not his teacher anymore, you’re still an adult and he’s still a minor. Welcome to the world of statutory rape, genius. And if RR finds out, he’s totally going to sue you because he’s poor and, really, he’s probably a little jealous that DD gets to screw the teacher.