Slap That Tool!

Highlights: DownerDan becomes an intrinsic part of LongLostVanessa and BoringNate’s relationship; Chuck and Blair switch roles; JudgyLily feels the other side of judgement; oh, and SluttySerena slaps the tool and it feels real good for everyone

LongLostVanessa and DownerDan take a stroll through the Spring snow and run into BoringNate and his cousin, Tripp.  Really, that’s his name.  Tripp.  Tripp’s engaged to Maureen and wants BN to come to a family gathering.  BN declines.  DD judges BN for skipping out on the reunion.  BN has loyalty to his mom and doesn’t want to hang out with family who didn’t.

Chuck calls SluttySerena on her phone while simultaneously entering her bedroom.  He can’t get in touch with Blair.  SS tells him that B got rejected from Yale.  “The only thing she wanted more than me,” he answers.  Ahhh, that’s the Chuck Bass I love.  He wants to lick B’s wounds.

JudgyLily checks out art for her place.  RockinRufus interrupts with a phone call but she wants to focus on the art.  The art lady thanks JL for being cool about the art lady being RR’s ex.  JL obviously didn’t know that but says RR told her. 

BN figures out how to use the split screen on his television but LLV and DD have decided that he should go to the family reunion.  They know best because she’s BN’s girlfriend and he’s BN’s boyfriend.  Work those manbangs, BN!

RR tells JL at home that the art woman wasn’t an important girlfriend.  RR doesn’t think about exes but JL insists on making lists.  Finally, RR is not wearing a strangling turtleneck.

BN takes DD and LLV to the family reunion where Tripp greets them in time to see Grandpa’s helicopter pulling in.  BN finds out that Grandpa didn’t know he was coming.  He greet GrandpaBoring who is delighted to see BN.  The family claps as they hug it out.

C arrives at B’s.  She’s sitting on her couch in lingerie.  He hands her a gift.  Out of nowhere, Carter Baysin, the guy who hung out in Dubai, emerges.  Remember when I used to call Chuck “ChuckSlime”?  Yeah, the slime baton has been handed off to Carter.  He’s so slimy and not in the sexy Chuck Bass way but more in the creepy stalker peeping Tom kind of way even though he’s neither of those.  C tells B that Carter The Guy From Dubai is using her to get to C and spills the info about the Super Secret Call Girl Club.  B says DubaiGuy can’t be worse than C was.

LLV, DD, and BN take a tour of the house with Grandpa Boring.  BN says that his college apps were derided because of the situation with his dad.  Grandpa Boring is proud because BN acted nobly during the debacle.  Then Tripp wants to play football in a bright yellow sweater.

B tells SS that she’s exhausted from being an overachiever in conniving for 18 years.  She’s happy DubaiGuy is showing her a different world.  Then she steals sunglasses.  SS calls C for help with B.  C is working with a private dick to get dirt on DG.

SS finds JL making her list of lovers.  SS doesn’t think it’s a good idea.  JL says she was saying yes to lists.  Umm, it was JL’s idea!  On JL’s list?  Bart, Trent Reznor, and Slash.

BN is getting bent out of shape because Grandpa Boring won’t dive out penalties during the game.  Maureen meets LLV who feels out of place.  M tells her that BN’s charm and LLV’s activist background will make a good political career.   On the filed, BN knocks down Tripp and scores some points.  Can we say “boring?”

DG arrives at C’s and SS comes in with a ticket to Dubai to make him go away.  She threatens to tell B about what happened in San Torini.  He says that he has things on SS from that trip, too.  DG says his going away won’t fix B.  C is dying to know what happened in San Torini.

Meanwhile, B arrives at a strange townhouse. Alone.  And enters.  Dun dun DUN!

Now it’s tie for Awkward Dinner And A List.  RR hands his small square of paper to JL.  She hands him one of the many sheets of names, pretending it’s her only page:

• Darius Manard
• Hollis Meringer
• Steve Krieger
• Pierre Elliott
• Randy Manion
• James Borio
• Ben Noble
• Justin Pittman
• Chris Nelson
• Lindsey Hall
• Jeffrey Rehlaender
• Lawrence Orviet
• Duncan Bryant
• Jeff Christiano
• Alan Cohen
• Trent Reznor
• Slash
• Rufus Humphrey
• Claus Richter
• Bart Bass

Questions I know we’re all thinking:

1. In what kind of order is this list other than completely random?

2. Why did she include Rufus on the list?

3. Is this a list of ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-one-night-stands, ex-lovers, ex-pity-fucks (aka Rufus) or a combination of all? 

RR is relieved.  He wasn’t sure they’d be in the same ballpark considering all the high society slutting around JL has claimed.  Basically, he’s completely on the mark because she’s totally lying.

DD and LLV return to The Poor House.  DD makes pretentious, unnecessary literary references and asks KJ, who is and has been sitting in the living room behind her laptop, to get him something for his ankle he hurt during the boring football game because she’s his minion.  He grills LLV about her look.  She had no idea BN’s family had high expectations but she doesn’t want to cause trouble between BN and his boring grandpa. 

ServantLady refuses to tell SS and C where B is.  C offers to buy the info.  SL speaks in her native tongue and then in English complains about not being able to keep up with the many faces of B and SS.

Meanwhile, BN is working his manbangs hardcore as he explains to LLV that he won’t get roped into doing something he doesn’t want to do.  He says, Hey hey hey, which is Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  He gets a call from Tripp and turns down an offer to hang out because he’s eating pirogues with LLV.  She tells him to go out because they’ll have time to eat pirogues in Budapest over the summer.

C and SS find B as she is begging a Dean for admission to Sarah Lawrence.  So the townhouse wasn’t the venue for a Super Secret Sex Slave party, but is the residence of a dean B came to ask for mercy.  She storms away from the house because she doesn’t get admission and now C and SS saw her beg.

The next day, SS and C crash BN’s family party to find B.  She realizes that she can throw her life in the fire in front of New York Society.  She begins by insulting a society woman and then the B I fell in love with comes out when she insults DD once again when he’s not around, apropos of nothing other than it’s a fun fallback hobby.  When in doubt, insult DownerDan the Tool.

Can someone tell me why DD is invited to all the events BN takes LLV to?  Oh, that’s right—because DD is BN are boyfriends!  BN is wearing a blazer with a crest.  LLV and DD find dinks.

RR finds the rest of JL’s list when he looks for cash for a tip in her purse.  Because, in case you forgot, he’s POOR. 

Tripp asks LLV if she’s excited about B’s big summer plans.  She’s looking forward to pirogues.  He says BN’s interning at the mayor’s office.  She wants BN to tell his grandpa that he’s going to slum it with her instead.  BN says he has a good opportunity and needs to figure out what to do in five years because his grandpa believes in him.

B continues to alienate people by disparaging her mother who isn’t even there and calling a woman an alcoholic.  C pulls her away—btw, he’s wearing a pink bow tie.  B suggests she’ll head up to the roof as C has done in the past.  He knows she won’t because he knows her best.  She pushes him against the wall and reminds him of their night at Victrola.  She wants him to take her right then and there to prove that nothing matters.  She’s not the B he wants so he says no.  She says goodbye because she won’t be that B again.

BN finds B on a balcony and gives her his crested blazer.  They reminisce about when they were 12 and 13, dating, and talking abou ttheir perfect future.  She doesn’t know who she is or what to do.  They feel lost.

SS slaps DD!  Let me say that again: SS. Slaps.  DD!  One more time with feeling: SS SLAPS DD!!!!!!!!  Right across the face!  He realizes that B told SS about him benging CT in the costume closet.  His defense:  “She wasn’t my teacher.”  OMG.  SUCH.  A.  TOOL.  SS can’t stop smiling because hitting him was invigorating.  No fair!  I want to hit Downer Dan the Tool, too!

JL thanks RR for ordering egg rolls.  RR takes out the list he found.  He wants to pretend it never happened.  JL thinks RR is embarrassed by her list.  He storms out.

LLV believes in BN but a different version of him.  Perhaps, one with less manbangs.  Grandpa Boring announces BN’s internship.  BN makes a speech about family and commitment.  LLV is upset that he takes the position.  Now who’s gonna pay for her pirogues in Budapest?

C brood alone at home.  SS asks what happened with B.  He’s losing her.  He tried and failed.  SS reminds him how many times B tried to get through to him.  She says that B is scared because she no longer has a plan.

Over in Poverty Stricken Brooklyn, KJ can’t believe LLV and BN broke up.  We know that she’s secretly screaming in her head, “Yeah! That’s right bitch!  He’s all mine!”  LLV isn’t sure they are broken up.  We know that KJ is secretly screaming in her head, “I’m sure you are, boyfriend stealer!”  DD tells LLV it’s going to be okay.  Easy for him to say; he’s still together with BN.

RR returns to JL to show her a new list of things that make her happy, sad and crazy.  It’s the only list he needs.  He apologizes.  FOR WHAT????  It was all her idea and then she lied!!!!  She says it’s all her fault.  Yeah it is!  She doesn’t understand how RR didn’t have more girls while on tour.  He says he was pining for a certain blonde the whole time. 

C tries to see B again.  SL won’t let him.  He needs to tell her something.  SL goes upstairs.  C stares and looks like he’s gonna ralph at any second.

B thanks BN, who’s in the bedroom, for making sure she got home okay.  He goes to leave but their hands touch and she tells him to stay.

Downstairs, C pucks up BN’s jacket.  Then he glares up the stares, smoldering.  Dun dun DUN!