Not So Sweet 16
Highlights: Boring break ups; boring make ups; boring getting back togethers; Jonathan and Suicidal Eric are still together though!
I continue to think it’s not possible to hate DownerDan any more, yet every time he’s on screen, the loathing builds up and spills out all over. He’s in the Poor House, bragging to KleptoJenny about how some kid sent him a story because he read and liked DD’s story. Then he gives RockinRufus the Yale papers.
RockinRufus notes that while DD got into Yale, KJ may make it to 16 and DD chimes in that it was touch and go for a while. How KJ isn’t a bulimic suicidal cutter is beyond me. RR isn’t making waffles this morning. They’re heading over to JudgyLily’s to eat jam.
LongLostVanessa arrives to get advice from DD as KJ and RR go ahead of him. She complains that BoringNate hasn’t contacted her in a week. DD takes BN’s side and blames LLV for everything because BN is DD’s boyfriend and he has to defend him. LLV gets an email from BN before she leaves.
A tan girl runs into SluttySerena on the street and updates her on her new boyfriend Gabriel and the jet-setting they’re doing. SS’s update is not much of anything and the girl says that everything is basically the same. SS invites the girl to the party she’s planning for KJ and the girl calls it sweet, with obvious disdain.
The Poor Family Trio arrives at JL’s for jam. Suicidal Eric is alive! Chuck is running out to a meeting and DD, who rages with jealousy of never being as cool as Chuck, wonders where C has to be so early.
SS runs in and she and JL announce that they’re throwing a party the next night to celebrate KJ’s Sweet 16. KJ wanted to do something small with the family and the two girls from chem class who didn’t set her on fire. I guess Agnes isn’t invited since she has pyro tendencies. RR will make his famous chili. Why is everything he cooks “famous?” They all exit awkwardly. RR reads through the Yale papers that say DD has been denied for financial aid. Yup, Yale has to draw the line somewhere and can’t offer aid to that kind of poverty.
At school, SE explains to SS that KJ most likely fears no one will show up to the party. The chickadees thank SS for canceling the KJ party so they can all go to Penelope’s party and not pretend to feel bad about missing the one SS was throwing. SS calls Poppy, I guess that’s the girl from the street who called SS boring, and asks for help.
Out on the street, LLV spies BN giving B a hug and sending her on her way from his house. C pulls up, explains that he sent LLV the email before from BN’s account, and says that Blair leaves BN’s place every morning.
Later on, C confronts B at school to say he knows she’s back with BN. She’s BN’s friend and brings him breakfast. C says BN and B never had chemistry. She insists they did. C says that he and B had sparks, not her and BN. B complains that she fought for her and C and now she’s tired. C lets B know that LLV and BN are technically still together.
JL tastes RR’s chili. He tells her that DD was denied financial aid. She offers to help and he refuses to take her money. She suggests he sell the loft and move into her place on the UES. He calls it a big step and wonders if it would work. She says there’s only one way to find out.
The questions we are all thinking:
1. Why will RR turn down a loan yet consider selling his only claim to real estate to move into a place that he does not own at all?
2. Why is selling the Brooklyn loft and combining families at rapid pace the only way to find out if living together would work?
BN and B stroll through the snowy park. She wants to embrace their fate and be together. He is going to break up with LLV officially at dinner. She wants him to do it over text. He does the hey hey hey thing again and insists that it will all work out.
SS, Poppy, and KJ shop for a designer dress for the party. Why doesn’t KJ simply steal one? KJ isn’t having a dressy party so she picks a casual dress. Poppy tells SS she needs to be more of a socialista and should plan an elegant party for KJ. They make KJ put on the dressy dress and SS starts replanning.
BN and LLV have dinner and break up. She asks if there’s someone else. He says there isn’t.
Then BN comes to B’s to announce he’s single again. Then he kisses her on the forehead and leaves before SL has time to break out the champagne.
LLV storms into C’s living room. They both think BN and B are making fools of LLV and C. The revenge plotting begins.
In the Poor House, KJ gathers all her board games for the party. DD says LLV will come to the party because she’s bummed about the break up. He answers the house phone and a real estate agent, who thinks DD is RR, tries to make an appointment for a showing of the loft.
KJ and DD arrive at the party with the board games and a vat of chili. She’s excited that things are going good between the Humphrey’s and JL. DD chooses this moment—the one in which KJ is finally content and the one right before her celebratory party—to inform her about the potential selling of her childhood home. Then they both come to the realization that they are Humphrey’s and they don’t belong in the UES.
They get off the elevator to find a swanky party. The chickadees are there. Penelope canceled her party because they heard Poppy would be here.
KJ finds SS for an explanation. SS makes KJ pose for a picture with her and the photographer doesn’t know it’s KJ’s birthday.
SE and Jonathan mock the customized napkins. SE says SS got carried away. KJ emails GossipGirl to invite everyone in NYC to the party.
C stares at LLV’s boobs in the elevator to the party as they discuss making a sex tape. I know this was so last season, but why is C going to KJ’s Sweet 16 after attempting to date rape her? Yeah, as much as I’m in love with him, he’s never even apologized for his rapey behavior. When C and LLV get off the elevator, they see BN and B talking to each other. And so, C and LLV do what any two people would do when they see the people they want to be with standing with each other—C and LLV mack it.
Drunk table dancers arrive and SS is embarrassed. Poppy and her crew leave. SS wants KJ to help get rid of the dancers. KJ says she invited them. SE interrupts to say that strangers are having sex on SS’s bed. She enlists the help of DD to get rid of them.
BN warns LLV about whatever she’s doing with C. He then insists nothing is going on with him and B. B says it’s true but something could happen now that everyone’s single. B pulls BN into a room and tries to have sex with BN. He says that things never worked for them as a couple because they were never friends before; now they are friends and should let that be it right now. She tires to kiss him and he says Hey hey hey. I shit you not. Seriously, is he watching Fat Albert for acting tips? He is not excited by her. Because B’s a girl.
As the unhappy duo reenters the party separately, LLV attempts to gloat. BN instead calls her more Blair-like than ever before.
SS and DD remake her bed as they discuss how the party is not what KJ wanted. SE interrupts again to say there’s a problem. The three of them and KJ head down to the front door to see a mob of teens trying to get into the party. The police show up. Then RR and JL show up.
JL is pissed that her apartment is in shambles. She blames SS. SS takes responsibility for the caterers. DD takes responsibility for the chili. KJ finally admits that the mob was her fault. She says she’s not Park Avenue and can’t stop being a Humphrey.
SS seeks out Poppy for help again. Poppy invites her to Spain with Gabriel the next day.
The next morning, RR and JL apologize to each other for their kids. Then they discuss how living together could be complicated. DD overhears them start to talk about Yale and finds out he didn’t get financial aid. RR tells him to stay positive and to contact his fan.
B and SL walk in the snowy park to feed the ducks. SL reveals that BN called and asked where in the park they’d be. BN appears in front of them. He tells B he does want to be with her. They mack it. I wonder what this means for DD, his boyfriend.
SS drags her luggage to Poppy’s where some guy asks if she’s Savanna. He met her last year when she was pal-ing around with Georgina. The guy turns out to be Gabriel, Poppy’s boyfriend.
DD calls his lone fan. The parents pick up their kid’s cell and answer for him. They are the parents RR and JL met with when they went to find out who their love child was. The love child is DD’s one and only fan. That figures. Only a blood relative would appreciate DD’s stupid story.
Meanwhile, LLV and C totally did it. And they are totally doing it again.