Hey Jesus? The Bitch Is Back
Highlights: JudgyLily judges; RockinRufus reverts; Georgina converts; SluttySerena tries to make things better, but only Chuck and Blair are capable of such things
Chuck takes Georgina back to the city via taxi. She refuses his offer of alcohol because it’s not Jesus-like. SluttySerena calls to apologize to C for not believing him about Gabe. She never believes anyone!
SS tries to tell JudgyLily about the scam but JL instead gives her the family’s antique bracelet to represent SS’s becoming a woman.
Blair tries to leave BoringNate’s new place to help SS. BN wants an answer about whether or not she’ll live there with him. She won’t answer and BN tags along to help SS.
RR has turned into a complete moron, albeit a happy moron. He gleefully strolls down the street with the Humphrey offspring and says he’s going to ask SuicidalGayEric for permission to marry JL. DownerDan goes off to bribe SS with a latte so she’ll come to brunch and witness the proposal.
B arrives at SS’s and neither of them want BN there, but he doesn’t catch on. He’s so pretty. B and SS say that feelings for boys make them do silly things.
C brings home G. She wants to apologize to B. C makes her wait in the foyer as he heads up to help SS who is calling Gabe to say she’s pregnant. She tells C she didn’t call the cops because she doesn’t want JL to know about the scam. She thinks her and Gabe’s feelings were real so she can get the money back. C and B want C to handle it instead. DD and his stupid latte overhears about the money and tells SS that RR invested his college fund with Gabe and he wants to tattle. SS begs him not to tell anyone. B says it will take an act of God to get the money back this way.
Reactions: DD—Someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.
B—Are you trying to have me killed?
BN: Shhhhhhh (translation: my manbangs are so pretty)
SS—You bring Georgina here?
Gab comes to meet SS at the restaurant. She reveals she’s not pregnant and knows about the money. He says Poppycock took it and he doesn’t have it. C enters to let him know that he can’t leave until he gives back the money or they’re going to the feds.
DD bumps into JL after brunch. He does his usual nervous babbling and spills the beans about the money. JL tells him not to tell RR and that she’ll take care of it.
Gabe explains to C and SS how Poppycock used him to get investors and then how he had to develop a Ponzi scheme to keep the money coming. Poppycock is the one they want.
C goes outside to tell B, BN, and G about Poppycock. SS and Gabe emerge, him all apologies and how his feelings were real. They let Gabe go without confirming his story but with SS’s reassurance that if they need to find him, it won’t be difficult. Umm, why are they trusting SS? She can’t use the pregnancy bit again. They realize Poppycock wants more money so they will trap her using Georgina.
At home, JL develops a financial plan to pay back the investors and save face. She calls SS naive and tells her that Poppycock must get away with it so they don’t ruin SS’s reputation. Then she creates a different payout for RR.
On the street, SE tries to convince RR not to marry JL because JL has a touch of the nutloaf. RR loves the taste of nutloaf so SE grants him his blessing.
At B’s, she convinces G to restyle herself, pointing out that helping in the revenge plot is God’s way of letting G gain forgiveness from B.
Poppycock shows up at SS’s to have tea with JL. Where did the tea come from? They have a tea party in waiting just in case? SS wants to call the police but JL insists on letting P go to Miami.
C, SS, BN, and B sit around and plot to get Poppycock with the newly styled, fake-daughter-of-an-oil-tycoon Georgina. DD calls SS and she yells at him for telling JL. He overhears that they’re going to The Russian Tea Room.
RR sets up a flower adorned meal to prepare to propose. KleptoJenny distracts JL by talking about Twilight as RR sets up.
Our Fave Five arrive at The Russian Tea Room. Before they go in, BN asks C to stop lying to himself about B. He tells him to man up or cut B loose because BN wants her. Then they make out because of all the sexual tension. Okay, fine, they don’t make out but you know that they so want to.
RR finds the ledger about JL’s special payout to him in a drawer at JL’s while she’s on the phone with SS, trying to get SS to stop the sting operation. SS refuses to listen to her mother, as usual.
Georgina convinces Poppycock that she wants to invest. P wants cash so G hands over an envelop-full. It’s the money from Christ Camp to buy Bibles. P leaves.
Meanwhile, C and B, yet again, have a heart-wrenching tragic conversation about how C is always there when she tries to move on and how he wants her to be happy and doesn’t want anyone to ever be as unhappy as he is. She wasnt to know if it’s a game or if it’s real. He whispers, It’s just a game; I hate to lose; You’re free to go. B lets her signature single tear fall. She snaps, Thank you, and rushes off. SS, having overheard, asks C why he did it. He says, I love her but can’t make her happy. THIS IS TORTURE! YES! STILL!
Outside, SS gets arrested. HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAA. She keeps repeating, Call Chuck! as B claps at the officers once as a signal to stop what they’re doing to her friend and BN looks on helpless (but still pretty). B goes back inside and accuses G of double crossing them, but G declares she lost her money and didn’t do anything wrong.
Turns out JL called in the bracelet as stolen to get SS to be in jail and avoid ruining the Van der Woodsen name. She decides to let SS stay in jail but not press charges, obviously, to let the situation blow over.
C arrives at the station and barges in to see what he can do to get SS out. B tells BN she got an answer from C and she can now answer him. She will not move in with BN. BN replies that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to live together anyway. She still wants him to take her to prom.
G calls B. She’s back to being the old Georgina, and she wants B to let Jesus know. I wonder if she’ll go by the name Sarah again. She plans to fix the Poppycock mess.
RR fights with JL about leaving SS in jail. He says that JL is acting like her mother. He returns to the Poor House and tells his kids to return the ring for him.
C, BN, and B remain at the police station, working all angles to get SS out. Awww! This is so reminiscent of how they pulled together to make SS not be drunk and how they pulled together to make her not a murderer and how they pulled together to make DownerDan go away. Good times. Great memories.
Inside, SS poses for some eerily-lit mugshots. Her hair still looks fabulous. Those will surely show up on Smoking Gun. Or, in this case, Gossip Girl.