Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 13: Oh Brother Where Bart Thou?

Bye  Bye Father Slime

 

Highlights:  The paler ChuckSlime gets, the darker his soul, and the sexier he becomes.  So.  Very.  Sexy.  And nothing else matters.  Aside from SluttySerena becoming as toolish if not more than DownerDan and UberPretentiousAaron when she screams at Chuck during his own father’s funeral.  Yeah, that happens.

 

FatherSlime, AKA Bart Bass, is dead.  Everyone at the van der Woodsen / Bass residence is wearing black except for SuicidalEric who’s in hospital attire.  Granny is drunk.  SluttySerena is in a sexy slip.  They think JudgyLily is mourning by making lists and possibly moving into The Palace with ChuckSlime.  She wants comfort food, not a tuna tower, so she goes for a walk to get away from the hot kitchen.

 

Blair and PapaCy are eating breakfast in awkward silence.  NastyMom likes the picture of FatherSlime in the paper.  Blair laments that CS won’t answer his phone.  PC encourages B to eat more, more, more.  Ah, what a refreshing change from NM urging her to puke even on an empty stomach.  B’s appalled that NM is talking about her honeymoon, but PC explains that in death there’s life, or something to that affect.

 

DownerDan arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  She thanks him for being a rock since FS passed away.  Does anyone really say that?  “Thanks for being a rock”?  They both think it feels natural that he’s around to be a rock.  Again, rock?  Tool, yes.  Rock?  Sounds stupid. 

 

UPA arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  Do you see a pattern developing?  She tells them that she’s going to the funeral with her family. She will meet them both there.  What is this, prom?  Like they’re silently fighting over who gets to take her to the graveyard?

 

RockinRufus is apparently JL’s idea of comfort food.  She meets him in the park for a walk.  She feels guilty about FS’s dying.  He tells her not to blame herself and that it’s okay.  She has a voicemail from FS but hasn’t listened to it yet.  RR says he’ll listen.  Sure, and then he’ll erase it before JL gets to hear it a la LongLostVanessa’s slick move with BoringNate’s letter to KleptoJenny.  Then RR vows to wait for JL anywhere from six months to six years.  As they chat it out, Granny, who has followed JL, watches.

 

ChuckSlime looks strung out and evil.   Oh, man, I’m feeling that in my tinglies.  You know, I’m tired of calling him ChuckSlime.  He’s taken his angst and highjinx to a new level this season.  Chuck is now Chuck.  Simply Chuck.  Chuck meets the private dick and bargains for the info that FatherSlime had wanted when they got into the accident.  Wait a second.  Was the detective in the car with FS when he was in the fatal accident?  Because the detective doesn’t have a scratch on him.  Anyway, Chuck says that his father is dead because of JudgyLily.  He goes to bury his father.  Is it wrong that grief is sexy?

 

JL listens to the voicemail: FS didn’t even care that she was going behind his back to talk to RR; FS knew why JL was in the hospital in France.  Dun dun DUN!!!

 

DD and UPA wait on the church steps for SS.  Both get texts from SS and they bicker about why UPA got his second.  The van der Woodsen limo arrives and SS hugs DD first.  SE finds KJ who appeared out of nowhere and asks if she’s seen Jonathan because even though they’re not together, he was hoping he’d be there.

 

Granny asks JL if RR will be making an appearance since his kids are there.  Then she says she saw JL with RR in the park.  Because she’s a stalker mom.

 

Chuck is drunk on alcohol, madness, and bloodlust.  B and BoringNate are holding him up and B is instructing him to lift his knees and move foward.  BN thinks C showing up is a bad idea, but B insists that he needs to show up at his father’s funeral.  She offers to make C throw up.

 

JL thanks DD for being at the funeral.  Then from over the hilly graveyard comes Chuck, flipping out.  He bellows, What are you doing here?  DD immediately gets high and mighty, catching an attitude with the boy whose father has passed.  B explains that Chuck is loaded.  SS jumps in to defend DD, saying that DD has been more helpful these past few days than Chuck has.  What the?  See?  T. O. O. L. Granny says that Chuck doesn’t have to make sense today.  Not often do I agree with Granny; here, she’s right.  JL tells C he needs to be with his family.  C says, I have no family.  Mmmmm, he’s so pale and disheveled.  Mmmmmm.

 

In the poor part of town, RR strums his guitar, beginning the long six month to six year wait for JL.  DD comes home, reporting that he was kicked out of the funeral.  Chuck said that DD’s father killed C’s father.  DD wonders if RR thought of going to the funeral.  RR says that wouldn’t be okay.  Then DD says he and SS are friends only even thought they’ve been hanging out a lot lately.  RR says good and DD over-analyzes and questions why his being just friends with SS is so good for RR.  Of course, RR is looking at the big picture of six months to six years, and does not want step-siblings hooking up because that would be step-incest and JL might judge that and dump him again.

 

B and BN try to make C eat at the funeral. Actually, B is the one trying to help while BN stands by all pretty and quiet.  C leaves and BN says B is maternal.  She says she’s been hanging out with PapaCy too much and is turning Jewish.  Heh heh. 

 

PapaCy tells NM that funerals make him think of death too much.  He wants to get married tomorrow instead of waiting.  B buts in and says no way because she was all for their marriage only if she’s away at college and not involved.  NM thinks it’s romantic.  KJ comes out of nowhere again and offers to make NM a wedding dress by 7 AM because she owes her an all-nighter and wants to make amends.  Really?  As much as KJ was wrong in turning her back on everyone, she really doesn’t owe NM anything considering NM took credit for KJ’s designs. 

 

UPA wants SS to go to Buenos Aires with him for the holidays.  She needs to take care of her family.  UPA thinks she wants to stay for DD.  He says that trip is his gift to her and her coming can be her gift to him.  She says, But I bought you a book.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  That?  Was awesome.  I bought you a plane ticket so you bought me a book.  Classic.  She’s left to think about it.

 

Granny pulls JL aside to ask what Chuck knows about JL and RR.  JL says that Chuck has already told what he knows.  Granny insists that JL go find Chuck.  Then Granny gets a call, gets mean, and goes downstairs to meet someone.

 

Jonathan shows up to talk to SE.  Aww, young love.

 

Chuck is tearing through files, looking more and more like a neurotic vampire.  He tells JL she should be worried.  He refuses to look at her because she disgusts him because she disrespected the family by hanging out with RR the poor man.  She blames Chuck for making his father get in the car and for meddling.  He says the blood is on her hands so she smacks him across the face to show that her hands have no blood at all.  She immediately apologizes.  He says when he gets his money, he’ll disappear.

 

Chuck goes to leave downstairs, and SE tries to stop him.  SE says that he’s buried his step-father and doesn’t want to lose his brother.  Chuck says, We’re not brothers.  Oh.  Knife to my heart.  That’s so sad because Chuck was the only one who treated SE like a person when SE was still suicidal and just came out.  They really were brothers and their relationship has been so endearing.  So sad!

 

Chuck heads out and B follows even though BN tells her not to.  The writers have really made BoringNate out to be a really bad friend in times of need.  Sure, he’s there, but he’s not doing anything. 

 

Granny tells JL that she found out that the super secret about JL is in enemy hands and they should sell the info to the highest bidder.  JL thinks it’s the worst time to let the super secret come out.  Granny says it’s the best time to reveal the super secret.

 

B finds C on the street and wants to go with him.  She wants to be there for him.  He tells her she’s not his girlfriend.  She says that he’s him and she’s her.  Then she says—and she must be reading my recaps to say this—they are ChuckAndBlair, BlairAndChuck.  She will stand by him through anything.  He asks why and she says, Because I love you.  Oh. My. God.  SHE SAID IT!  She said I LOVE YOU.  He says, That’s too bad, and leaves in the limo.  Nooooooo!

 

SS tells DD that UPA invited her to Buenos Aires.  I have no idea where they are or why they’re walking in the rain.  He says she should pack a bikini.  She goes back to the conversation they never finished at the Snowflake Ball and how neither of them wound up sleeping with the UberTools.  She wants him to tell her not to go with UPA, but DD refuses to tell her what she should do. Then he mumbles really quickly and leaves.

 

At home, PapaCy tells B that they are family.  She says that C is as soulless as ever even after she admitted she loves him.  Then she cries.  PC says that C needs time.  They hug.  Then B asks for more hugging.  Finally, B has a parent who treats her lovingly.

 

Granny haunts JL some more, asking what JL’s going to do about loving RR.  JL has tried to fight it, but she can’t stop loving him.  SS overhears, realizes why C was so upset.  Then for no apparent reason, she points out that FatherSlime is dead.  JL reminds her that she stopped being with RR so SS could be with DD.  SS says that UPA asked her to go to Buenos Aires and she’s going to go…if that’s okay with JL.  Nice way of sort of asking permission.  JL is happy to let her go off to a foreign land with someone she barely knows.  SS tells JL to be with RR.

 

DD finds KJ in her room at the Poor House.  She’s steaming NM’s outfit.  She tells DD that if he plays the game, he’ll get the girl.  She orders him to carry the garment bag so that he can come along to NM’s wedding and see SS there.

 

JL calls RR to ask him to go away for the holidays since the kids are all away somewhere.  Wait a minute.  Where’s SuicidalEric going to be?  The Humphrey kids are going to their mom’s and SS is going abroad, but what about SE?  Nice one, JL.  And nice not to care about C, even though he hates you.  Such a bad parent.  RR can’t wait six months to six years, so he agrees to go with JL.

 

The private dick brings C the super secret information because C is the only bidder.  Granny told the detective that she was going public with the info, but he doesn’t believe it.  C doesn’t know if he should buy the info if it’s going to be public anyway.  Private Dick tells him to make a wise decision since he’s going to be the richest kid in New York.

 

At the Waldorf house before the wedding, SS tells UPA she’s going away with him.  KJ and DD arrive.  DD says he carried the garment bag—an OBVIOUS reference to Dirty Dancing’s Baby saying she carried a watermelon.  UPA checks on PC.  DD tells SS he doesn’t want her to go with UPA.  She says that JL and RR are in love and she can’t ask JL to stop loving RR a second time when things between SS and DD never work out.  Then B interrupts to get SS’s fashion advice.  SS hugs DD and says she’ll be in touch post-holiday.

 

Chuck meets with JL, saying he can’t believe she’s going to go public with her super secret.  She says it’s Granny’s decision.  He says Granny lied.  She begs him not to turn his back on the people FatherSlime didn’t trust.

 

NM and PC get married.  UPA and SS hold hands at the ceremony.  B tears up.  Servant Lady smiles and gets teary eyed.

 

MUSICAL MONTAGE!  The wedding ends with laughter and clapping. DD walks the streets depressed and brooding.  Chuck burns the super secret info.  JL removes her ring.  RR wears a too-tight turtleneck as he packs his guitar .  B laughs as champagne is poured.  PC toasts to the Waldorf-Rosens.  B finds C in her room and snaps at him for a second but he’s completely broken so she cradles him and he falls into her and he’s so lost.  Swooooon.

 

RR busily scribbles a note at home.  No doubt, this is how he’s informing his children about his going away for the holidays and have a good Christmas and all without making sure they get to their mom’s or anything.

 

ETA: I was right about the note.  Upon pausing my DVR, I could see what it said.  It’s written in that dad-like all-caps handwriting except for when he’s writing the closing.

 

Dear Dan and Jenny,

I’m going out of town for a few days.  Don’t worry–it’s all good and when I return hopefully we’ll have lots to talk about.  Your mom is expecting you tomorrow and is going to pick you up at the train.

Have a great holiday.

Love you gu

 

This?  Is bad parenting.  Don’t worry it’s all good?  What middle-aged man says that?  Certainly not one who wears too-tight turtlenecks (although I have to admit he is a hottie).  Have a great holiday?  Like he has to be politically correct towards his children.  Dude, it’s okay to say Merry Christmas when you know your offspring don’t bask in the glow of Kwanzaa candles.

 

Granny arrives in Poor Brooklyn.  She wants JL to be happy.  He doesn’t want Granny to come between him and JL.  Granny says the problem is that JL’s in love with RR and they can never be together if JL holds onto her super secret.

 

UPA decides that the first time he and SS sleep together will be on the airplane.  They cuddle in the limo with a neck pillow.

 

RR broods in the dark Poor House when DD arrives home from his brooding walk.  DD sarcastically thanks RR for not telling him that RR and JL are in love again.  RR says that SS doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that the note and the packing mean nothing because RR isn’t going anywhere.

 

DD calls SS.  She doesn’t want to answer the phone in front of UPA.  He says she can because he knows she still has some feelings for DD and he wants her to work them out because UPA is falling in love with her.  She ignores the call and macks it with UPA.  Omigod, she fell for that.  The only reason he said that was so she wouldn’t answer the phone.

 

ANOTHER MUSICAL MONTAGE!  UPA and SS mack it.  B and C spoon on her bed.  JL waits in Grand Central with her bags for RR.

 

RR arrives in Grand Central with an angry frown.  He storms up to JL and says: Tell me one thing—was it a boy or a girl?  That’s it?  She was pregnant and got an abortion, no doubt forced to by Granny? That’s the super secret?  I was hoping she was a hermaphrodite or something.

 

Back to B’s house.  She’s now alone with only a note:

 

I’m sorry for everything.

 

You deserve much better.

 

Don’t come looking for me.

 

Chuck

 

Nooooooooooooo.  Not my ChuckAndBlair!!!!!!!!!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 12: It’s A Wonderful Lie

Dopplegangers!

 

Highlights: JudgyLily decides to chuck Father Slime; ChuckSlime and Blair get together only as clones; Another tool joins the box; the love rhombus with KleptoJenny, LongLostVanessa, and BoringNate reshapes and reshapes and reshapes

 

Gossip Girl’s Guide To Surviving A New York City Winter: Cashmere sweater for ice skating, gourmet hot chocolate for window shopping, and a perfect date to the Senior Snowflake Ball.  One of these things is not like the others, but sure sounds like fun.

 

Blair can’t wait to see the creme de la creme of the ball attendants.  Slutty Serena has no time to think about it.  ChuckSlime disapproves of all the guys who want to bring Blair because he’s in love with her. Aw.  True love is hating every guy who wants to bone the girl who has your heart.

 

SluttySerena literally runs into DownerDan and shows him all the profound books she’s bought at one of those poor people used book shops.  She’s not reading them herself.  She’s giving them to UberPretentiousAaron for Hanukah.  Ouch; nice to use the knowledge from one relationship to benefit another and never use it yourself.  UPA can’t go to the Snowflake Ball, but SS is still going to go because she likes Anna Karenina.  DD wants to go, too, and they’ll both be going solo.  They will hang out together at the ball, and UPA will have no problem with it because he’s friends with his own ex.  Meaning he’s totally doing it with her.

 

LongLostVanessa arrives at The Poor House to find KleptoJenny rearranging RockinRufus’s vinyl by genre because she has nothing better to do because she has no future anymore.  The one thing she can’t stop thinking about is BoringNate.  LLV suggests KJ move on.  Then LLV’s phone rings.  It’s BN of course.  LLV goes to leave for the gallery so she can quickly return his call.  She bumps into RandomGirl on her way out.  Here’s the priceless exchange:  “Oh hello weird documentary girl” “Goodbye sad wannabe Blair.”  How much do I love this show?

 

RandomGirl wants to commission a dress from KJ for the Snowflake Ball.  The chickadees keep biting off her.  KJ hates her but gets to overcharge for her designs so she agrees.

 

RR finds JudgyLily on the street outside The Ball.  She hasn’t spoken to FatherSlime since Thanksgiving and doesn’t plan to until the New Year.  RR may go to the dance but isn’t sure he wants to.  Then he runs away when  FS shows up wanting to talk.

 

At the Poor Gallery, UPA’s uber pretentious ex is mocking all the art.  SS and DD show up and can we feel the tension, people?  I love it when exes meet exes. 

 

Meanwhile, BN is slumming it hardcore yet again by mackin it with LLV.  He wants her to go to the Snowflake Ball.  That’s the gayest date request I’ve ever heard.  She hesitates and he realizes that LLV hasn’t told KJ about them.  I guess that means that they’re an item.  BN doesn’t want to come between friends, but he insists that KJ blew him off and doesn’t care.  He says he’s happy with being with LLV.  By default.  She tells him to reign in his horses before they make the front page of Gossip Girl.

 

RandomGirl asks KJ what the story is between her and BN because she wants to ask him to The Ball.  Then she reminds KJ that the Upper East Side is way better and richer than Brooklyn so there was no way things would work out with KJ and BN.  Then they both get a text blast from GG—a picture of BN mackin it with LLV.  It’s a real close up, too.  Seriously, these people need to be a little more aware of their surroundings.

 

JL doesn’t like that FS has shown up at a school function to talk to her.  He’s fired his private investigator and promises to try to not control her or the kids because he realizes that he’s a sucky husband.  He vows to change in time for The Ball.  She leaves without answering him.

 

SS complains to UPA that his ex is too protective of him.  Meanwhile, his ex is being uber pretentious towards DD at the Poor Cafe Bar in the Poor Gallery.  She wants gourmet stuff and DD practically hands over some DunkinDonuts.  Wow, another tool in the mix.   DD agrees to give UPEx a tour of Brooklyn.  UPA agrees to go to the Snowflake Ball.  They all agree to be tools. 

 

At the Poor House, LLV arrives all happy until KJ points out the text blast from Gossip Girl.  LLV says that KJ kissed BN behind her back first.  KJ says she felt guilty about it and backed off and calls LLV desperate.  LLV says she’s going to go to the Snowflake Ball with BN, dangit!

 

Now for my favorite part of the show—any scene with Blair and ChuckSlime, filled with sexual tension and true love without ever speaking of either.  ChuckSlime informs Blair that he must choose her date to the Snowflake Ball to prove he knows her better than anyone else.  She says she has to pick his date then.  Of course, this all turns into a bet.  Blair gets CS’s limo for a month if he likes his date.  He wants ServantLady if Blair likes hers.  Leave it to these two to put a person up as ante for a bet.

 

Oh, jeez.  Buzzkill.  The Tool Quartet is trolling around the city, discussing, well, who cares?  Something pretentious that SS has no clue about most likely.  UPEx wheedles a date out of DD so now all four are going to the Snowflake Ball together.  I didn’t think this would happen but I love it when opposite exes get together—that makes everything all that much more awkward.  In this case, however, it’s too much toolage.  Hang on—did UPA say that UPEx is bisexual?  Let’s leave it at a maybe for now because I’m too annoyed by the four of them to actually go back and find out for sure.

 

FS is leaving for a meeting in Miami, but first berates CS for opening the file safe.  Nice progress in their relationship.

 

KJ arrives at RG’s to discuss fashion.  The chickadees tell KJ that LLV sucks.  One of the chickadees tries on a dress to find out that it’s see-through.  Then KJ tells them that LLV is going to the ball with BN.  They plan to somehow make LLV wear the unlined dress, I think, but I have no idea how they’ll do that.

 

Blair chooses shoes from her closet while bragging to SS that she will so find the right date for CS.  SS says that seeing exes with others is awkward and that she found out UPEx “extends” herself to guys on a first date.  Oh, so she’s slutty like Serena, and not bisexual.  She wants to give DD the heads up.  Blair points out that guys don’t exactly care and DD doesn’t think about SS having sex with UPA.  SS hasn’t slept with UPA, though.

 

KJ comes to the Poor Cafe and Gallery to deliver the see-through dress to LLV.  She calls it a peace offering.  LLV agrees to try it on.

 

Blair is crucifying ServantLady because they can’t find the perfect date for CS.  SL joined Facebook to find the girls, but it’s not working.  Blair describes herself to describe his perfect date, but it can’t be her.  SL doesn’t want to shine CS’s shoes for a month and Blair says, “His shoes if you’re lucky.”  OMG, total handjob reference.

 

DD calls SS as he walks down the street, complaining about the price of renting clothes.  He asks if she’s okay with him going to the ball with UPEx and she says sure, which is a lie.  They hang up and SS thanks UPA for going with her to the ball.  Then she wants to thank him properly.  Meaning sleeping with him. 

 

LLV has the dress on and they agree it’s great.  LLV says that she’s always been jealous of KJ because growing up, KJ and DD had it all.  Then she tries to continue but BN calls and interrupts.  KJ leaves and LLV wants to talk to him in person.

 

JL calls home to tell FS that she’s waiting for him to go to the Snowflake Ball.  FS is in a meeting with the investigator FS said he’d fired.  She calls back to tell FS that her plans have changed—she’s not going to wait and he shouldn’t show up.

 

Snowflake Ball Time!!!!!  Ooh, really bad dancing!  The chickadees plan to play a particular song when LLV walks in and get DroopyHazel’s “new boyfriend” to shine his spotlight on LLV, exposing her underwear, ooh or lack thereof!, through the dress. RandomGirl asks BN to save her a dance.

 

Remember Natasha Liukin from the Summer Olympics (whose name I’m probably spelling incorrectly)?  Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that’s her, hitting on Chuck Bass.  Blair cockblocks and asks where her date is.  She introduces him to Justine, a practical look-alike.  He brings out a practical-Chuck look-alike as Blair’s date.  Heh heh.

 

DD awkwardly dances with UPEx, who tells him that SS and UPA haven’t had sex because that’s typical first date conversation.  He says he doesn’t care.  He so does.

 

Blair and CS are not happy with the people they’ve been set up with.  Neither wants to concede.

 

JL shows up to the dance.  RR shows up to the dance.  I suppose they’re chaperones, but I think they feel as if it’s really their own dance because they both act like children.  They dance together when JL says she’s leaving FS for herself and wants nothing from him. 

 

DD and SS both stand in awkward solo poses in the middle of the room until they notice one another.  They talk about how they each seem to be having a good time.  He says he knows the plan for SS to sleep with UPA later.  She says there’s nothing to talk about, and she knows that UPEx plans on seducing DD.  He gets all Dan about it, overanalyzing and being a major tool.  Then they do weird innappropriate touching.  She thought sex meant something to DD.  He says he hasn’t had it in a while.  She gets frustrated with his tooldom and leaves.

 

LLV finds KJ at the dance and wonders why she’s there.  She sees BN behind her, wiping off his suit, but I don’t know if they had been talking.  LLV says she’s going to end things with BN.  She didn’t want to hurt KJ.  The chickadees are wondering when the big sheer reveal will happen.  LLV approaches BN who says she looks gorgeous.  She wants him to be quiet and look pretty as she breaks things off with him.  She’s never felt this way about anyone else and then shows him the letter she took away from KJ’s house and admits she stole it before KJ saw it.  Then she cries and tries to leave. 

 

That’s when the chickadees hit the spotlight and LLV’s all, well, actually, you can’t see a thing.  BN stands mesmerized.  Then he has a blank look on his face. Everyone cackles in slow motion echo except for KJ who offers her jacket and BN who looks on in indifference-bordering-some-sort-of-emotion.

 

BN pulls KJ aside to ask, Did you do that to Vanessa?, as if he’s a first grade teacher.  He says that LLV didn’t deserve public humiliation simply because LLV went behind KJ’s back and lied and ruined everything between her and BN.  He then shows the letter to KJ and says that he wrote it to tell her his true feelings and that LLV stole it and felt so bad that she confessed.  KJ knows that BN thinks she’s horrible.  BN is happy she didn’t get the letter because she’s not who he thought she was.

 

OMIGOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW.  CS and Blair are all ornery and they find the look-alikes making out.  Blair claps her hands at them and shouts, “Hey! Explain this!”  The CS wannabe has a higher-whisper voice, like CS’s, and explains that when CS and B walked off, he and Justine the B wannabe liked each other.  B gave Justine the headband.  Ha!  Dopplegangers can work it out, but the real thing won’t work.  Oh!  The agony!!!

 

JL feels horrible about having to leave FS and she never thought her life would turn out this way.  RR says something about her smiling and faking it.  She wants him to tell her something he shouldn’t.  He let her go on her wedding day because he wasn’t sure what he needed and wasn’t sure he could give her what she needed.  He’s full of regret for that decision.  CS sees them talking.  The ball is so not the appropriate place for this conversation. 

 

FS is in a limo with the detective who insists on finishing the job even though he’s been fired.  CS calls FS to tell him that JL is at the Snowflake Ball with RR and she’s figured something out.  FS asks the detective what he knows.

 

CS finds JL and admonishes her behavior now because she’s been good for the Bass family.  He says that FS is on his way. 

 

LLV is outside getting into a cab.  Wow, that took a long time to leave the ball.  BN runs after her and asks if she did anything more than steal his letter to KJ.  She says that was all.  He admits that when she walked away, he realized that she was the one he wants to be with.  Then they mack it. Again.  I really don’t like this—mostly because I don’t like BN with anyone because I want him to be with me because I’m a sucker for pretty boys, man bangs, and 23 year olds.

 

The chickadees accost KJ and scold her for trying to save LLV.  KJ can’t imagine why she wanted to be one of them and says LLV is ten times the person they will ever be. 

 

Everyone at the ball at this point is making out.  Except for B and CS.  He wants B to dance with her.  She says there’s no point because they’ll never be like that.  He says he would never change them if it meant losing what they have.  She wants to know what they have.  He says, “Tonight.”  Then they dance together and I go completely gaga all over again.  I heart ChuckAndBlair!!!

 

Then JL gets a restricted call on her cell. 

 

UPEx wants to leave with DD alone.  He doesn’t want to be rude and leave without the other tool duo.  SS wants to talk to DD alone so the other exes go to get separate cabs.  She apologizes for the way she acted earlier.  She doesn’t want him to do what he wants to do without her clearing the air.  He says it’s clear and doesn’t need an apology.  He’s happy they can both go with clean air.  Awwwkkkkkwwwwwaaaarrrrdddd silence.  Then he says that sleeping with her was the greatest night of his night.  She says it was hers, too.

 

JL runs up to SS looking for CS.  She says FS has been in an accident.  Which means we need to batten down the hatches for the most evil version of Chuck we’ve ever witnessed.  Which means my tinglies are in for quite a ride.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 11: The Magnificent Archibalds

Thank Goodness For Poverty

Highlights: The Captain goes felonious; Suicidal Eric learns the truth about judgment; LongLostVanessa and KleptoJenny make up, and so do BoringNate and ChuckSlime

 

Thanksgiving again!  We don’t have any flashbacks like last Thanksgiving.   Instead, GG is equating the destruction of an entire native culture with Blair’s need to move because of PapaCyrus.  B wants to have a perfect Thanksgiving this year even though GayDaddy isn’t coming.  SluttySerena tells her she can come but only for a while because UberPretentiousAaron, her non-boyfriend, is meeting the van-der-Woodsen-Bass clan.  B thinks that SS doesn’t like him since she’s showing him off.  SS doesn’t want to date anyone else, which is typical of girls who are dating boys who don’t want to be exclusive.

 

DownerDan shows up at school looking for KleptoJenny.  RockinRufus can’t find her anywhere.  SS says KJ has been spending time with SuicidalEric.  He tells SS to have a happy Thanksgiving.

 

Then BoringNate accidentally (wink wink) bumps into DD in the hallway.  Oh, to touch the ex-boyfriend but only for a second more.  ChuckSlime runs into BN but BN wants to brush him off, still distraught over losing all the loves of his life in one fell swoop.  The lesson here is clear: Don’t get yourself involved in a love rhombus.  BN chooses slumming over CS.

 

KJ and SE are finding out about how to divorce your parents.  KJ is surprised to hear that her parents will be notified.  The woman in charge explains it: They need to know you no longer want to be their child.  Heh heh.  Only one polysyllabic word in that explanation.

 

LongLostVanessa tells DD that she’s going to watch a German film and eat frozen turkey on Thanksgiving.  DD invites her to stay at the Poor House for the holiday but she doesn’t want to see KJ.  He says that KJ will be a no show.  LLV thinks KJ is having Thanksgiving with BN, but DD explains that BN doesn’t talk to KJ anymore.  RR comes in babbling about Tokyo, SketchyAgnes, and KJ.  He wants to call the cops.  DD says that KJ is with SE.  RR immediately calls JudgyLily and asks to speak to KJ.  JL says that KJ isn’t there.  RR says she’s been staying with SE.  Then JL finds KJ’s sewing machine which really isn’t all that hidden.

 

BoringMom is dragging BN through a hotel, telling him they’ve run out of options.  Then they drop in to Captain Ahab, who’s been in hiding.  His disguise: weird, old man facial peach fuzz and a fluffy sweater in lieu of a suit.  BN is angry that he’s been squatting while Captain Crunch has been livin’ it up in the Caribbean.  Captain wants them all to move to Domenica and they leave the decision up to BN.  Because once again, children should make adult decisions.  Then again, in reviewing the track record here, BN probably is the best qualified.

 

Speaking of bad parenting, RR and JL are taking a stroll along the water and the cold doesn’t seem to be affecting them even though it’s November in NYC (then again, RR walked from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side in a sweater while it was snowing, so it’s fitting). JL didn’t know that KJ was living at her place until today.  JL insists that she mediate between RR and KJ and that KJ stay with the van-der-Woodsen-Bass Clan for Thanksgiving because they are a family.  RR tells her to give KJ marshmallows. 

 

SS calls B and tells her that UPA is probably out with a girl.  B is baking. SS wants to make new traditions.

 

SE finds FatherSlime home early.  SE texts KJ not to come up and tells FS that things may not work out with Jonathan.  FS thinks Jonathan is schtupping the swim team captain.  SE finds CS to ask why FS would say that.  CS explains that FS has a dossier on everyone in the world.

 

SS is impressed with UPA’s romantic dinner.  He says she’s all he thinks of, especially when he’s hittin’ up other girls.  He’s now a one-woman man, most likely out of convenience.  She’s overjoyed and wants champagne.  He explains that he’s sober.  She says she used to party, but now she’s stone cold.  Because she changes who she is to be with the boy she likes.

 

FS and JL catch SE on his way out.  She calls him out on the whole KJ living there in hiding situation.

 

B finds PapaCy in the kitchen, eating her pie, and critiquing it.  She asks NastyMom why she’s letting PC ruin everything.  Heh heh. I love hyperbole.  NM says that PC made reservations at B’s favorite restaurant and B needs to get with the program.  B complains to Servant Lady.  SL shows B a ring that PC proposed to NM with and says that they’re going to tell everyone at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

JL tells KJ that she saw RR and they need to work things out because RR loves her.  KJ thanks her and goes to bed.  I don’t know how KJ suddenly goes deaf or beams herself out of earshot so quickly, but JL calls after her and she doesn’t hear.  So JL does what any normal person would do; she goes through KJ’s bag.  She finds the emancipation papers.

 

RR and DD are food shopping for Thanksgiving, which apparently not a busy holiday from the looks of the store.  DD tells RR he should actually tell KJ that he misses her.  They bump into UPA who lives around the corner, whom they’ve never bumped into before, and he says he’s picking up food for [dramatic pause].  DD says that he can hear her name. 

 

Now it’s a Convergence of All Things Tool as DD wants UPA to say hi to SS for him and then babbles on about FS and RR and JL and how it’s so complicated even though it was a full year ago and SS doesn’t like cheese and suggests wine.  UPA says that SS no longer drinks so DD sees that as a reason to bring up SS’s alcoholic binge when Georgina/Sara was in town.  Man, now I don’t know who’s douchier.

 

B complains to NM about not wanting to hear “the news” but NM refuses to admit to any “news” on the horizon.  B decides not to go to dinner.

 

BN bumps into LLV at the Poor Gallery and Café where she plans to get some paperwork done.  He’s dropping off The Pixies Boxset (really?  really) and he wrote a thank you note to RR, no doubt in girly handwriting.  He can’t take it to the Poor House because of the awkward aftermath of the love rhombus fallout.  He says that he’s alienated everyone he knows and tells LLV to take care.

 

SS barges into CS’s room fro a word and he tells her to hike up her dress.  No, it’s not a date rape moment, yet.  She wants him to promise not to tell UPA anything about her because she wants it to come out naturally.  CS could care less and goes to FS’s study.  UPA arrives miserable about the Georgina news and SS stumbles over her words to cover until she simply calls DD a liar and jealous.  Now she’s the tool.  The three of them deserve each other.

 

JL calls RR to order him to walk from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side again.  RR tells DD to tell LLV not to come because Thanksgiving is canceled.

 

LLV gets stopped on the street near the Poor Gallery.  Some guy wants to talk to her about BN.

 

CS and SE are opening FS’s safe.  Gold bars and files are inside.  LLV calls CS to tell him that BN’s in trouble with the FBI.  CS decides reluctantly to help and leaves SE to the files. 

 

B walks along with SL, scolding her that there’s nothing to be thankful for.  SL wants to feed the ducks.

 

JL tries to force SS to drink and SS reminds her that she’s only 17.  Good parenting.  Then UPA talks to JL about all the paintings in the house. 

 

SE is freaking out to KJ about the FS’s dossier on him.  KJ asks about SS’s and JL’s files.  Then she calls him “E.”  Since when is that his nickname? She can’t find her emancipation papers anywhere.  DD shows up and UPA asks why he lied about SS.

 

JL shows RR the emancipation papers. KJ catches them looking at her papers and is not too happy about it.

 

DD and UPA show up in SS’s room to confront her about who lied to whom.  DD lies and says that he lied to UPA and UPA says, That’s not cool man.  Omigod, I hate them all. Then UPA leaves and DD reminds her that the truth always comes out. In walks SE with everyone’s files of truth.

 

BN arrives at the Poor Gallery again to meet up with LLV, CS, and the FBI guy. They tell him that Oh Captain My Captain has been planning a kidnapping to get ransom money to live on and that he and his mom are the kidnappees.  BN is on the verge of tears.  CS says that the only way to end it is to turn the Captain and Tenille in.

 

KJ babbles about burned dresses.  RR says he misses KJ and is willing to let her go to get her back because he won’t stop loving her.  Um, NO NO NO NO NO.  Be a parent, dammit! She probably won’t be granted emancipation anyway since there’s really no neglect.  At least not until recently when RR gave up and turned to his guitar for solace.  She thinks he’s giving her a guilt trip and leaves.

 

JL confronts FS about the dossiers.  He wants to protect them all.  JL thinks it shows a lack of trust.  She drags her kids away because he’s not for family.

 

BN arrives at the Captain’s place to say that he knows about the kidnapping plan and loves him but can’t respect him.  He gives the Captain the option to get some sack and turn himself in or run away.  BN refuses to live in a mess. 

 

JL brings SE to a restaurant.  SS has gone off with her own file.  SE says he read JL’s file.  He can’t believe she didn’t tell him she was in an institution when she was 19 and that her telling him would have helped him when he was in the institution.  Let me say that again: JUDGY LILY WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED WHEN SHE WAS 19.  SE becomes the parent as usual and tells her she can talk about it when she’s comfortable with it. 

 

SS arrives at B’s dinner while B isn’t there.  She gives the file to UPA and says that DD didn’t lie and UPA can read all about SS’s indiscretions.  Then he can decide if he wants to be with her.  Then she tells NM where B is after texting her.

 

KJ bumps into B and SL on the street.  They both complain about their parents.  B says that RR will go anywhere for KJ and NM won’t do the same.  Then NM shows up, gives KJ a scarf, and tells B to come home to show her something.  They bring KJ home too.

 

Captain Kirk kisses BMom and hugs BN.  He turns himself in.  BMom cries.  BN whimpers.  Then they magically transport themselves to their condemned abandoned house where LLV and CS somehow know they’ll be.  They’re still squatting but now that Captain is no longer on the lam, they have their assets back.    BN tells LLV he hasn’t heard from KJ so now he’s available for her again.  Didn’t it not work out the first time because she lived in Brooklyn and it had nothing to do with KJ?  Nothing’s changed so why would it work now?  CS tells BN they’re going to go get drunk.

 

B comes home and finds GayDaddy there.  That’s the big surprise.  B thought NM and PC were getting engaged.  NM explains that she wanted GayD’s approval first because PC would be the step-dad for his daughter. 

 

RR and DD arrive at the Poor House and find KJ already there.  She loves RR too and wants to be part of the Poor Humphreys.  They all hug each other at once. Suddenly, it’s The Waltons.

 

UPA arrives at SS’s bedroom and doesn’t want to read the dossier.  He wants to hear it all from her in time.

 

JL comes over to the Poor House with SE to have dinner because that’s where real families go because only the poverty-stricken know what it’s like to really have to be thankful.  LLV arrives too.  She and KJ have an awkward moment, but now that LLV secretly has BN back, everyone can be friends again.  Hooray!  DD gives KJ her mail but RR pulls her away to eat marshmallows first.  On top of the stack of mail is BN’s letter, waiting to be read.

 

GG is thankful for a lot this year:

 

Rekindling old friendships, like CS and BN drinking in the limo.  Aww, it’s good to see the boyfriends together again.

 

New relationships of the tool variety like SS and UPA.

 

How close we get by being ourselves, like Gay Daddy finally being gay.

 

How you can always go home again, no matter how poor your home is.

 

Now FS wants to find out why JL was institutionalized and he makes a phone call to find out. 

 

LLV goes to call her parents.  She finds BN’s letter.  She reads it.  BN declares his caring for KJ.  LLV does what any good friend and confident would do to someone who is part of a family that has taken her in for the holidays—she gets rid of the letter immediately, thinking, Boring Nate is mine, bitch, mine mine mine!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 9: There May Be Blood

Gorillas In Dresses and Some Tough Love

 

Highlights:  The Boring Nate-Downer Dan-KleptoJenny love triangle becomes a love rhombus when Long Lost Vanessa gets involved; ChuckSlime still hearts Blair and vice versa; RockinRufus knows what success is and doesn’t want it for his children

 

KleptoJenny and Agnes are busy making KJ’s new line.  Interesting how Agnes is still hanging around KJ seeing as how last time they hung out, Boring Nate swept KJ away.  Apparently, BN is now ignoring KJ after their passionate smooch on the sidewalk.  The two of them are trying to make clothes in time for something, but I’m not quite sure what.

 

Meanwhile, DownerDan is teaching BoringNate all about the poor part of town.  I suppose BN felt so guilty after kissing DD’s little sister that BN is now working even harder to keep his love affair with DD strong.  DD doesn’t understand why KJ is acting so secretive and BN says he has no clue why but of course he knows about the clothing line.  Then DD’s text goes off and it’s the girl that BN hooked up with at Yale when he was  pretending to be Dan.  DD is all jealous and wants to be BN.  DD is all down on himself, thinking that he won’t get a recommendation and BN tells him to cheer up buckaroo!  DD wants to be alone to brood silently so he suggested BN go talk to KJ.

 

Blair and SluttySerena are having tea with some woman from Yale who is ignoring Blair and wants to hear all about SS’s life in the limelight.  The woman leaves and SS keeps trying to hide her own light because that’s what she does for Blair but it’s not working.  SS tells B to stop cracking her knuckles.  The woman is going to order room service for her daughter and SS offers for B to take the daughter to a movie. 

 

Hold on.  The woman just said that her daughter would be fine with some ice cream and Harry Potter.  Then the daughter comes out and she’s, like, the same age as SS and B.  I was expecting a little girl in pig tails.

 

SS struts down the street and runs into Aaron.  They start talking about the caterpillar at camp and then Aaron says the girl on the motorcycle was a friend and that he recognized SS as soon as she stepped into the gallery.  SS starts to invite him to a gala where her mom is being honored and her brother is out of town (hopefully frolicking in a field with his boyfriend).  But before she finishes, some girl runs up and mack it with Aaron.  SS walks away.

 

DD and BN arrive at the Poor House in time for DD to judge KJ.  This time he has reason to judge.  She’s wearing one of those hats that you would put on a teddy bear.  It’s the size of a thimble.  It’s atrocious.  Agnes is trying to wheel out KJ’s line and DD catches them in the act.  The act of trying to design a clothing line?  Busted.

 

Blair is sitting for the Yale woman’s daughter and the daughter wants to go out and be devirginized with Bacardi and a boy.  B tells the girl to stop moving her mouth. HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  Has anyone else noticed how these people are the fastest talkers in the world?

 

DD can’t believe that KJ quit NastyMom’s and BN grumbles to defend KJ but DD tells him it’s none of his business.  Come on, DD, he’s her brother-in-law, practically.  KJ announces that they’re putting on a gorilla fashion show so they have to get to the zoo to fit the gorillas in time.  Tonight’s her one chance and BN stares on, moving his Adam’s apple dramatically.  DD goes off to think.

 

SS sits in her bed to moon over pictures of Aaron from camp.  B busts in to rat out the Yale lady’s daughter who wants to be deflowered or else she’ll ruin B’s reputation to the Yale people.  SS is all about herself and caring about the pictures.  She tells B to take the girl to the charity ball.

 

The daughter wants to go wherever Gossip Girl talks about on her blog.  B wonders where the glory is in doing a hipster.  She suggests she make Muffy the Rich Girl jealous by trying on outfits from SS’s closet and going out to a party.

 

DD arrives at the Poor Cafe to complain to Long Lost Vanessa about KJ.  She’s defending KJ, too, and doesn’t want to be lumped with BN because BN is DD’s friend, not hers.  Ooh, those are the words of a woman scorned.  I wonder how DD lives with himself knowing he’s got sloppy seconds.  LLV says that DD did the right thing in taking BN in even if BN hates her.  DD says that if LLV likes BN, she should tell him because BN is a likeable guy.  LLV finds it odd that DD will defend BN to the end while he’ll jump to condemn his own sister.  Love is blind.  Love is strange.  DD doesn’t want KJ to get into trouble and ruin her life.  Rockin Rufus shows up in time to hear the word mistake.

 

ChuckSlime bumps into Emma the Yale daughter and she’s all giddy and calls him the devil.  He reveals that the gala is all old people.  She wants him to take her for a ride.  He sends a box to SS and agrees to take her out.

 

B and SS get ready and the servant gives the box to SS.  It’s a licorice ring.  Aaron had left it for her with the consierge.

 

Back in Brooklyn, KJ berates BN for trying to offer advice and for not talking to her since they macked it on the sidewalk.  BN says it’s complicated.  She says that if he cares about her, he should go with her.  He says maybe he should drive.  So they get into the van and go.  RR, LLV, and DD see the van drive off and try to make it stop because they think even poorer people are kidnapping BN.

 

Meanwhile, CS is in the date rape limo with Emma the Yale daughter.  She’s all over him.  This is gonna be the easiest date rape ever.

 

Hours later, SS and B are texting CS and SS put out an APB on Gossip Girl.  CS commes in complaining that the girl tried to rape him.  B scolds him for trying to deflower another virgin in the back of his limo—she’s more upset because that was her own scenario, not because she won’t get into Yale because of it.  He says that the back of the limo is one of the few things sacred to him, which obviously makes B feel better about having popped her cherry there, and that right there shows the love between the two of them.  He says Emma ran away.  SS gets a text that Emma was at a bar.  SS doesn’t want to help B because she has to go to the charity thing but B makes SS come out anyway.

 

BN and KJ arrive at the charity gala and BN wonders if KJ might be showing her fashions to the wrong crowd because everyone there is friends with his mom.  She explains that all the wealthy people will be there to fund her line.  She gives him a suit to wear so he can fit in with the crowd.  He stares at the suit as she walks away.

 

B, SS, and CS arrive at the bar where Emma should be.  B doesn’t want to hear SS complain about an albatross.  They find Emma in a booth with some guy.  B calls Emma tacky.  Some guy pulls SS aside to set up her table and Emma bolts again because she’s the fastest girl alive.

 

KJ goes into the ball and sees a sign with JudgyLily and FatherSlime’s picture.  She realizes who the ball is for and is dismayed.  When the door guy asks for her name, she becomes uber slick and says Erica Van Der Woodsen but sometimes they leave off the A.  Smart smart smart.  She says her parents are the guests of honor.  Really, when did she get to be so clever?  JL finds KJ and KJ awkwardly congratulates her.  JL asks who she’s there with and BN arrives in time, saying he invited KJ.  KJ tells BN that she’s about to ruin the night of the only rich people who have been nice to her but she has to go through with it.  BN starts kissing her mid sentence, and some tweeny bopper takes a picture of them.  She says, You kissed me.  He says, I know.  Wow, romance.  He doesn’t regret anything and then she walks away as he lets out another one of those sighs.

 

B and SS are still in the bar and B blames SS for ruining B’s chances at Yale again.  CS interrupts the argument to point out Emma in a corner booth.  Oh, wait, not Emma, but Emma’s mom.  In the booth with a man who isn’t Emma’s father.  As the lady macks it with the stranger, B takes a picture with her phone.

 

At the ball, Agnes and KJ find the tech guy at the function who’s quitting to go into gaming so he doesn’t mind helping them out.

 

Over in Brooklyn, RR wonders where KJ is and what she could be doing.  Neither KJ nor BN are picking up their phones.  RR can’t believe he trusted any of them.  DD is online and sees the pic of KJ and BN mackin it at the ball on Gossip Girl.  DD obviously is shocked at such a betrayal.  He won’t show RR but says they’re at the palace.  RR and DD run off quickly while LLV leans against a wall, also upset about being ignored by BN.

 

RR, LLV, and DD are in a cab uptown.  They all obviously pooled their funds to afford this ride.  RR thinks BN would have said something if he’d known in advance about it.  LLV defends BN and DD says that BN’s morals are questionable.  He wonders aloud who would have thought BN would date LLV and an old married lady at the same time.  That’s obviously his wounded heart speaking.  They bicker about BN being a good guy and BN doesn’t like him.  RR can’t believe the cab driver is letting the Mr. Softee truck pass them and tries to bribe the driver with everything he’s got—a single dollar bill.  Man, I love this show.

 

At the Palace ball, the doorman won’t let RR, LLV, and DD in because they’re poor.  DD looks for BN.  LLV looks for KJ.  JudgyLily sees RR and says she saw KJ and then FatherSlime greets RR and RR runs off and FS is upset so JL gets him a drink.

 

SS doesn’t want B to blackmail the Yale lady.  SS says the family needs help.  B says they’re more screwed up than SS’s family.  SS needs to go to the gala.  She asks B to save Emma first before using blackmail. 

 

DD finds BN at the gala.  DD grabs him and throws him against a wall.  This is sooooo reminiscent of the fight between BN and CS when they broke up.  History repeats itself, only this time, BN is the breakee while DD (whoda thunk it) is the breaker.  He shows BN the Gossip Girl picture on his phone and asks if that’s him with his 15 year old sister.  DD is angry because they took him in.  BN says that he’s not a creepy older guy and it just happened.  DD calls him the guy who traded sex for money.  What?  But they’re all poor.  Oh, he means LLV and the Duchess.  BN says DD has no right to judge him.  DD wants BN out of the house and he goes off to find KJ.

 

B and CS arrive at the apartment to stop Emma from losing her virginity.  They tell her to check Gossip Girl on her phone.  It says Muffy has lost her virginity and Gossip Girl cherry in one night.  Then B walks in and feels violated.  CS tells the guy to lose the tulip.  We don’t get to see anything.  I think that’s best.  Emma storms out, upset that Muffy the Rich Girl beats her at everything.

 

SS is in a cab, listening to Aaron’s outgoing message, saying that the girl who kissed him isn’t his girlfriend.   She wanted to thank him for the ring.  Then some girl picks up while she leaves a message.  The girl says that Aaron’s in the bathroom and SS hangs up flustered.

 

BN tries to leave the ball and KJ wants him to stop.  BN says that RR and DD are there and DD saw them kissing on Gossip Girl.  She begs BN to stay because she needs him.  He stands there and takes a deep breath.  He’s got this breathing thing down.

 

Time for the awards.  Some guy congratulates JudgyLily and FatherSlime for their philanthropy in Sri Lanka.  Then the lights go aout and music comes on.  All the screens show pictures of KJ and models in her clothes and announce her clothing line.  RR’s reaction?  “Oh, no.”  Heehee. 

 

The models plow through in some punkish fashions.  They throw post cards around.  JudgyLily smiles and giggles while FatherSlime is aghast and may pass out.  BN catches KJ’s eye and smiles.  JL dances.  Then Agnes comes through in a tutu dress.

 

LLV laughs.  Agnes dances on a table and breaks classes.  BN gives KJ a sideways glance.  They hug and mack it.  LLV sees and her smile fades into disgust.  She walks out right past them.  KJ tries to run after her.  BN tries to stop her but KJ says she shouldn’t have done that and leaves anyway.

 

Then the show is over and RR and DD moan about how they can’t believe KJ did that.

 

In the back of CS’s limo, B tells Emma that this was not the way she should want to lose her virginity.  CS wonders what would be a better way.  Emma gets out of the car.  B thanks CS for getting Gossip Girl to post the stuff about Muffy.  He says he’d do it for her any time.  I LOVE THEM!!!   B has to bolt out of the car before Emma runs away again.

 

Emma tells B that B, Muffy, and her mom all won.  B says that she should sleep with someone she loves.  Emma asks if B was in love her first time.  B says yes and that she wrote the book on self-centered mothers.  Emma thinks B is perfect.  B says, True!  Heeheeheeeeeeeeee.   Emma is upset that her mom doesn’t want to hang out when they go to the city.  B tells her to avoid gross guys.

 

The TA from Yale calls DD and tells him that she couldn’t get him a recommendation letter.  SS finds DD and says that KJ won’t get into too much trouble.  He says that KJ does whatever necessary to get what she wants; she alienated everyone in her life but she’ll be in the New York Times tomorrow, while he has no courage.  SS cares about DD and he says that he’s not getting into Yale or any other school with a decent writing program.  He goes off to find his dad.

 

Emma and B walk in to find Yale lady all bent out of shape because they’re home late.  B tries to warn Yale lady not to say anything, but Yale lady scolds B and says she’s not Yale material.  B asks if she had fun with the strange man and shows her the picture from the bar.  Emma comes back in to defend B. The woman says it’s no wonder why she doesn’t want to spend time with Emma.  B decides not to show the picture and says that the woman should pay more attention to her daughter before it’s too late.

 

KJ runs out of the ball trying to find LLV.  RR instead comes out and pulls her aside.  KJ tells him to let go of her.  He says she doesn’t care who she hurts.  She says that people adore her and she has too many missed calls already.  He says that he’s disappointed because he’s her dad.  He wants KJ to apologize to JudgyLily who’s just appeared and tells them that the whole thing was inspired.  He says that KJ won’t get away with it and then rats her out to a policeman for being the person responsible for the criminal fashion show.  The officer says he has to take her to the station and they’ll call her parents from there.  She says that RR IS her father.  This?  Is AMAZING!!!!!! 

 

JL says that they won’t be pressing charges because they own the hotel.  Crap.  JL ruins EVERYTHING.  RR tells her to stay out of it.  JL is trying to save RR from a mistake.  KJ tells them to figure it out and decides to walk home.  To Brooklyn.  At night alone.  In her dress and heels.  And stupid stupid hat.

 

CS finds BN at BN’s barren house.  CS can’t believe how bad it is.  BN says that Brooklyn is over and he’s going to stay with his mom.  CS wants him to come to his place but BN won’t hear of it.

 

SS tries to get B out of bed with the idea of going to Princeton.  B calls Princeton a trade school.  Man, I love Blair.  The Yale dean calls B’s cell and then SS gets called away because she has a visitor.  It’s Aaron who wants to get pastries.  She says that the ring was sweet but she doesn’t want to date his posse.  He explains that one girl was a friend and the other one was something he can’t explain but he can’t stop thinking about SS.  He wants to think fate brought them back together.  SS falls for this stupid crap and he tells her not to eat the ring because it’s 9 years old, the original from camp.  B comes bounding in saying that the dean wants her at Yale.

 

In Brooklyn, RR tells DD that KJ stomped out at 6 AM.   DD was up all night finishing the story about Chuck Bass because now that his sister has staged a fashion show, he needs to try to one up her.  RR explains that success is not the same thing as other people’s praise.  That one line makes me fall in love with Rufus all over again.  DD refuses to listen.  RR goes into KJ’s room and finds that only plastic hangers are left.  KJ’s moved out.


MUSICAL MONTAGE!!  B and SS giggle on SS’s bed, looking at the Yale catalog.  BN walks around the city with a suitcase and mails a letter to KJ.  Then walks off looking pretty.  DD mails his story to the guy from the Paris Review.  RR walks in circles around KJ’s room.  KJ walks the streets of Brooklyn with a suitcase and her sewing machine, wearing way too much eyeliner.