Things I Said In Class This Semester That I Could Never Have Fathomed Saying When I Started Teaching College

You’re here! You’re, like, really here! Like on my screen! How did you know to log on? Yeah, I know I sent you seven emails in the past three days, but still. I don’t even have a plan to teach right now! I didn’t think anyone would show up!

Cameras on please. I want to see your shining faces!

I know you’re at home, but this is a classroom, so don’t do anything right now that you wouldn’t do in a regular classroom. Yes, I understand your grandmother loves you, but you can love her back later. Okay, fine, Hello, grandma, we all love you.

Your bed wouldn’t fit in your car to come to campus, so please avoid lounging in your bed for class.

Unmute yourself. No, I can’t hear you. I see you talking, but—yes, unmute.

Please stay off your phone. I mean, unless, like you’re using your phone to come to class. Then use your phone but stay off the other things it does.

Sorry about the gardener noise.

Is that a cat? I think I hear a cat. Oh, it’s a toddler. Hello, little toddler. I teach college because I don’t know how to interact with you. Am I doing it right? Sorry. Toddler? Please don’t cry. Toddler?

Hang on. Just a second. I’m lost in the Zoom.

You wouldn’t lug your laundry to campus and fold it in the classroom, so let’s not deal with our wardrobes now.

Speaking of clothing, thank you for wearing clothes. Let’s not get into why I’m saying that. I’ve heard some things.

Use a reaction emoji to show you understand.

No, you don’t have to ask to go to the bathroom, but you can type in the chat “Be right back” so I don’t call on you when you’re not there. But really, you can’t go between classes? Why are we having this conversation?

Mute yourself.

Sorry about the children screaming outside. I don’t know why they aren’t in school like we are. I’d ask them to stop, but we all know how that would go.

I can’t see you right now, so shout out your name along with your answer.

If you’re driving, please log out when you get to the next red light and then log back in when you are parked at your final destination.

I’m lost in the Zoom again.

If you don’t answer when I call on you like three times, I’m going to put you in the waiting room so you can think about what you’ve done.

Again, the chat. BRB. I don’t want to know about your bathroom situation.

Y’all, the electrician is here because he could come only during class time, so if class shuts down, give it a minute and then log back in.

Y’all, thanks for coming back into class. Power is back, but it’s shaky.

Everyone’s ceiling fan looks marvelous today.

Y’all, when the electrician was leaving yesterday, he said hearing me talk reminded him of how much he hated school, especially writing, so you have my apologies.

If you have a goofy smile on your face, I know you’re watching TikTok and not my stellar Prezi about comma splices.

Sorry, hang on. I’m completely distracted because there’s a woman on my lawn walking a 30 pound cat on a leash and it’s pulling her all over the place and she’s tugging at the leash to try to get it off my lawn and the cat is seriously huge, like I’ve never seen a stronger cat, and okay she’s given up the walking part and is now carrying the cat off my lawn. — Maybe we should end class here.

Strange days, y’all. Strange days.