Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 24: The Goodbye Gossip Girl

I. Love. You. Too.

Highlights:  The kiddies graduate from high school, except for KleptoJenny and SuicidalEric, and including DownerDan even though his name isn’t in the graduation program—heeeheeheeeheeeHAHAHAHAHAAAA


SluttySerena has long been the topic for Gossip Girl and her arrest is no different.  Blair says that GossipGirl won’t follow them to college.  SS hasn’t told Chuck that B ended things with BoringNate.


LongLostVanessa creepily records BN who’s starting his stint at the mayor’s office soon.  He apologizes to LLV for how he left her for B.  She’s going to NYU after backpacking.  He says, “Hey, stop by my party.”  STOP IT WITH THE HEY.  DownerDan overhears and is all, Can I come Can I come?


KleptoJenny is dressed for a black tie affair at graduation.  The Chickadees are searching for the next queen and tell her the gal with the best gossip will win.  B disapproves of their headbands and claims that only she can choose who’s next to reign.  The Chickadees insist they will choose, not B, at BN’s party later.  They may choose Emma, the girl B babysat for not even a year ago.  What the?


SS finds DD in the courtyard at school and asks why he’s all alone.  Umm, because he has no friends and is a tool?  His name has been left out of the program.  Hahahhahaaa.


B and C meet up and it’s torturous.  She can’t bring herself to tell him that she broke up with BN.


RockinRufus sits right next to JudgyLily at graduation because it’s not like there are a bunch of other rows to sit in, including the one behind her.  Instead, PapaCy and NastyMom slide in there and urge the two of them to get married soon.


Why can’t SS wear a graduation cap like everyone else?


Everyone gets a blast from Gossip Girl at the ceremony: BN is the class whore; DD is the ultimate insider; Chuck is a coward; Blair is a weakling; SS is officially irrelevant.


That about sums it all up.


SS wants to stop Gossip Girl but the Chickadees don’t want to be involved.  B, BN, and C will try to help SS find out who GG is.


RR apologizes to JL for “before.”  She doesn’t know which “before” he means and doesn’t understand why her secretly giving him money was a problem.


BN tells his grandfather about his affair with the Duchess last summer.  Gramps says he’ll protect BN.  C asks BN if he’s seen BN’s girlfriend.  BN tells C that B broke up with him.


SS asks DD what GG meant about him being the insider.  DD is already above high school.  SS says that they’re still friends.  DD is like, No there’s no point to our friendship.


The four members of the Nancy Drew Crew use their deduction skills to figure out who GG is.  They check out Facebook to help them.  C distracts everyone at the party into being quiet while SS sends a text to GG so they can see who receives the text.  Umm, why didn’t they come up with this plan in the very first episode? 


Johnathan’s cell phone goes off. SE’s boyfriend is Gossip Girl!


No, not really.  He hacked into her server when he was bored.  He and SE have been getting all the messages she’s been getting.  She’s got em stockpiled to send out when they can hurt people most.  KJ finds one on B that would surely make her queen with the Chickadees.


RR plays his poor guitar at the Poor House when DD decides to go to a movie instead of going to BN’s party because he’s already so over high school.  Man, graduation made him even more of a tool.  RR insists he go to the party.  He does and then JL arrives with beer and pot that she stole from C.


Party Time!  NellyYuki is beyond drunk and tries to tell DD she loves him (maybe) but then sees SS and runs away.  KJ finds B to tell her that GG knows about New Years.  B refuses to believe that the Chickadees don’t bow to her anymore.  KJ decides to use the info to be queen.


Once again, B and C are alone in a room, loving each other but not admitting to it.  She strips off her clothes.  He gets to the “I” part but the “love you” is interrupted by another GG blast.  Seriously?  Torture.


GG tells them to blame SS for forcing her to drop all her gossip at once:  ChildTeacher skipped town because DD slept with her during the play; KJ had topless photos taken of her and BN kissed her right afterwards; DD was in jail; B slept with C’s uncle; C slept with “that girl from Brooklyn.”


C and B blame SS, as GG told them to.  BN and DD stand up for SS.  B says that GG was right about at least one person:  DD.  He is the insider, and while he pretends to be so different, he’s exactly like them to the bone.


B corners C to talk about their love.  Again.  She thinks GG as right about him being a coward but she refuses to be weak.  She says, “Chuck Bass, I love you . . .I know you love me too.”  He takes her wrists and pulls her hands away from his face.  He says that was true.  He walks out.  She sheds that single tear reserved for these C situations.  TORTURE!


In the Poor House, JL and RR reminisce about how they used to be.  He gives her a paper bracelet, the kind you wear at concerts, in lieu of an engagement ring.  She will accept him as her fifth husband.


BN finds SS and says, “Hey.”  I shit you not.  SS wants to fix the mess she started tonight.  She wants GG to meet her at the bar in an hour.  She threatens to reveal who GG is if she doesn’t show, yet SS doesn’t know who GG is.


B finds KJ in the bathroom to tell her that C doesn’t love her anymore and she can use that gossip to be queen.  KJ doesn’t want the gossip.  B says you need to be cool to be queen and you can make people fear you rather than love you, which is why she deems KJ the next queen.


DD shows up at the bar where SS and BN are waiting for GG.  No, he’s not GG.  He basically stalked SS. She doesn’t want to be irrelevant.


B walks in.  KJ walks in.  They received text to come there.  Then the entire graduating class shows up, all having received the same text.  Then they get another GG blast.  GG says that they are all GG and they should remain friends.  She plans to follow them to college.


SS asks B where C is.  B says it’s over once and for all.  He’s outside, looking in through a window.  But then he walks away.


A week later, JL has a ring.  SE is excited to have RR’s waffle maker in his kitchen.  SS and B have found out from GG that C is in Europe.  B gives SS a framed version of SS’s mugshot.  SS is going to Europe.  B wants to stay in one place.


In a downtown coffee shop, DD tells LLV he misses high school.  BN arrives, slumming it once more, and says that the deputy mayor was hitting on him so he wants to go backpacking instead.  LLV says that she already found a replacement for BN on the trip and points to a random guy who’s reading behind her.  BN begs to go.  She decides he can.


The Chickadees try to give Emma the queen tiara.  B stops them because KJ dropped a crapload of gossip about them all.  Since RR is marrying JL, KJ is now richer than all of them.  That combination makes her queen.


RandomReaderBoy calls him mom and says he’s going to like NYU.  Then he reads about RR and JL in a newspaper as he stares at DD.


DD gets a call from Georgina.  She says he should check his accounts because all his money is back.  He says that he’s already going to NYU.  That means he can’t take his money back? 


Then G tells the housing office that she wants to room with Blair at NYU next semester because they’re good friends.  (As if B won’t be notified beforehand?)


Carter Baysin finds SS on the street.  He’s back from Dubai.  He tells her that he found what she’d been looking for when they were in Santorini—her father.


C is waiting for B with flowers at her limo.  He went abroad to buy her macaroons.  She can’t believe him because he’s hurt her too much.  He says that this time she can believe him.  She doesn’t want to.  Then he holds her.  He says, “I love you, too.”


Omigod!  I love you, too!!!!!


And now, as the kiddies go off to college, my recapping comes to an end.  I know, Gossip Girl plans to follow them, but things just aren’t the same in college life.  Sigh. 

It’s been wild.  You know you love my recaps.  XOXO.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 23: The Wrath Of Con

Hey Jesus?  The Bitch Is Back

Highlights: JudgyLily judges; RockinRufus reverts; Georgina converts; SluttySerena tries to make things better, but only Chuck and Blair are capable of such things

Chuck takes Georgina back to the city via taxi.  She refuses his offer of alcohol because it’s not Jesus-like.  SluttySerena calls to apologize to C for not believing him about Gabe.  She never believes anyone!


SS tries to tell JudgyLily about the scam but JL instead gives her the family’s antique bracelet to represent SS’s becoming a woman.


Blair tries to leave BoringNate’s new place to help SS.  BN wants an answer about whether or not she’ll live there with him.  She won’t answer and BN tags along to help SS.


RR has turned into a complete moron, albeit a happy moron.  He gleefully strolls down the street with the Humphrey offspring and says he’s going to ask SuicidalGayEric for permission to marry JL.  DownerDan goes off to bribe SS with a latte so she’ll come to brunch and witness the proposal.


B arrives at SS’s and neither of them want BN there, but he doesn’t catch on.  He’s so pretty.  B and SS say that feelings for boys make them do silly things.


C brings home G.  She wants to apologize to B.  C makes her wait in the foyer as he heads up to help SS who is calling Gabe to say she’s pregnant.  She tells C she didn’t call the cops because she doesn’t want JL to know about the scam.  She thinks her and Gabe’s feelings were real so she can get the money back.  C and B want C to handle it instead.  DD and his stupid latte overhears about the money and tells SS that RR invested his college fund with Gabe and he wants to tattle.  SS begs him not to tell anyone.  B says it will take an act of God to get the money back this way.


Enter.  Georgina.


Reactions:  DD—Someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.

B—Are you trying to have me killed?

BN: Shhhhhhh (translation: my manbangs are so pretty)

SS—You bring Georgina here?


Gab comes to meet SS at the restaurant.  She reveals she’s not pregnant and knows about the money.  He says Poppycock took it and he doesn’t have it.  C enters to let him know that he can’t leave until he gives back the money or they’re going to the feds.


DD bumps into JL after brunch.  He does his usual nervous babbling and spills the beans about the money.  JL tells him not to tell RR and that she’ll take care of it. 


Gabe explains to C and SS how Poppycock used him to get investors and then how he had to develop a Ponzi scheme to keep the money coming.   Poppycock is the one they want.


C goes outside to tell B, BN, and G about Poppycock.  SS and Gabe emerge, him all apologies and how his feelings were real.  They let Gabe go without confirming his story but with SS’s reassurance that if they need to find him, it won’t be difficult.  Umm, why are they trusting SS?  She can’t use the pregnancy bit again.  They realize Poppycock wants more money so they will trap her using Georgina.


At home, JL develops a financial plan to pay back the investors and save face.  She calls SS naive and tells her that Poppycock must get away with it so they don’t ruin SS’s reputation.  Then she creates a different payout for RR.


On the street, SE tries to convince RR not to marry JL because JL has a touch of the nutloaf.  RR loves the taste of nutloaf so SE grants him his blessing.


At B’s, she convinces G to restyle herself, pointing out that helping in the revenge plot is God’s way of letting G gain forgiveness from B. 


Poppycock shows up at SS’s to have tea with JL.  Where did the tea come from?  They have a tea party in waiting just in case?  SS wants to call the police but JL insists on letting P go to Miami.


C, SS, BN, and B sit around and plot to get Poppycock with the newly styled, fake-daughter-of-an-oil-tycoon Georgina.  DD calls SS and she yells at him for telling JL.  He overhears that they’re going to The Russian Tea Room.


RR sets up a flower adorned meal to prepare to propose.  KleptoJenny distracts JL by talking about Twilight as RR sets up.


Our Fave Five arrive at The Russian Tea Room.  Before they go in, BN asks C to stop lying to himself about B.  He tells him to man up or cut B loose because BN wants her.  Then they make out because of all the sexual tension.  Okay, fine, they don’t make out but you know that they so want to.


RR finds the ledger about JL’s special payout to him in a drawer at JL’s while she’s on the phone with SS, trying to get SS to stop the sting operation.  SS refuses to listen to her mother, as usual.


Georgina convinces Poppycock that she wants to invest.  P wants cash so G hands over an envelop-full.  It’s the money from Christ Camp to buy Bibles. P leaves.


Meanwhile, C and B, yet again, have a heart-wrenching tragic conversation about how C is always there when she tries to move on and how he wants her to be happy and doesn’t want anyone to ever be as unhappy as he is.  She wasnt to know if it’s a game or if it’s real.  He whispers, It’s just a game; I hate to lose; You’re free to go.  B lets her signature single tear fall.  She snaps, Thank you, and rushes off.  SS, having overheard, asks C why he did it.  He says, I love her but can’t make her happy.  THIS IS TORTURE!  YES!  STILL!


Outside, SS gets arrested.  HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAA.  She keeps repeating, Call Chuck! as B claps at the officers once as a signal to stop what they’re doing to her friend and BN looks on helpless (but still pretty).  B goes back inside and accuses G of double crossing them, but G declares she lost her money and didn’t do anything wrong.


Turns out JL called in the bracelet as stolen to get SS to be in jail and avoid ruining the Van der Woodsen name.  She decides to let SS stay in jail but not press charges, obviously, to let the situation blow over. 


C arrives at the station and barges in to see what he can do to get SS out.  B tells BN she got an answer from C and she can now answer him.  She will not move in with BN.  BN replies that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to live together anyway.  She still wants him to take her to prom. 


G calls B.  She’s back to being the old Georgina, and she wants B to let Jesus know.  I wonder if she’ll go by the name Sarah again.  She plans to fix the Poppycock mess.


RR fights with JL about leaving SS in jail.  He says that JL is acting like her mother.  He returns to the Poor House and tells his kids to return the ring for him.


C, BN, and B remain at the police station, working all angles to get SS out.  Awww!  This is so reminiscent of how they pulled together to make SS not be drunk and how they pulled together to make her not a murderer and how they pulled together to make DownerDan go away.  Good times.  Great memories.  


Inside, SS poses for some eerily-lit mugshots.  Her hair still looks fabulous.  Those will surely show up on Smoking Gun.  Or, in this case, Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 20: Remains Of The J

Not So Sweet 16


Highlights:  Boring break ups; boring make ups; boring getting back togethers; Jonathan and Suicidal Eric are still together though!


I continue to think it’s not possible to hate DownerDan any more, yet every time he’s on screen, the loathing builds up and spills out all over.  He’s in the Poor House, bragging to KleptoJenny about how some kid sent him a story because he read and liked DD’s story.  Then he gives RockinRufus the Yale papers.


RockinRufus notes that while DD got into Yale, KJ may make it to 16 and DD chimes in that it was touch and go for a while.  How KJ isn’t a bulimic suicidal cutter is beyond me.  RR isn’t making waffles this morning. They’re heading over to JudgyLily’s to eat jam. 


LongLostVanessa arrives to get advice from DD as KJ and RR go ahead of him.  She complains that BoringNate hasn’t contacted her in a week.  DD takes BN’s side and blames LLV for everything because BN is DD’s boyfriend and he has to defend him.  LLV gets an email from BN before she leaves.


A tan girl runs into SluttySerena on the street and updates her on her new boyfriend Gabriel and the jet-setting they’re doing.  SS’s update is not much of anything and the girl says that everything is basically the same.  SS invites the girl to the party she’s planning for KJ and the girl calls it sweet, with obvious disdain.


The Poor Family Trio arrives at JL’s for jam.  Suicidal Eric is alive!  Chuck is running out to a meeting and DD, who rages with jealousy of never being as cool as Chuck, wonders where C has to be so early. 


SS runs in and she and JL announce that they’re throwing a party the next night to celebrate KJ’s Sweet 16.  KJ wanted to do something small with the family and the two girls from chem class who didn’t set her on fire.  I guess Agnes isn’t invited since she has pyro tendencies.  RR will make his famous chili.  Why is everything he cooks “famous?”  They all exit awkwardly.  RR reads through the Yale papers that say DD has been denied for financial aid.  Yup, Yale has to draw the line somewhere and can’t offer aid to that kind of poverty.


At school, SE explains to SS that KJ most likely fears no one will show up to the party.  The chickadees thank SS for canceling the KJ party so they can all go to Penelope’s party and not pretend to feel bad about missing the one SS was throwing.  SS calls Poppy, I guess that’s the girl from the street who called SS boring, and asks for help.


Out on the street, LLV spies BN giving B a hug and sending her on her way from his house.  C pulls up, explains that he sent LLV the email before from BN’s account, and says that Blair leaves BN’s place every morning.


Later on, C confronts B at school to say he knows she’s back with BN.  She’s BN’s friend and brings him breakfast.  C says BN and B never had chemistry.  She insists they did.  C says that he and B had sparks, not her and BN.  B complains that she fought for her and C and now she’s tired.  C lets B know that LLV and BN are technically still together.


JL tastes RR’s chili.  He tells her that DD was denied financial aid.  She offers to help and he refuses to take her money.  She suggests he sell the loft and move into her place on the UES.  He calls it a big step and wonders if it would work.  She says there’s only one way to find out.


The questions we are all thinking:


1. Why will RR turn down a loan yet consider selling his only claim to real estate to move into a place that he does not own at all?


2. Why is selling the Brooklyn loft and combining families at rapid pace the only way to find out if living together would work? 


BN and B stroll through the snowy park. She wants to embrace their fate and be together.  He is going to break up with LLV officially at dinner.  She wants him to do it over text.  He does the hey hey hey thing again and insists that it will all work out.


SS, Poppy, and KJ shop for a designer dress for the party.  Why doesn’t KJ simply steal one?  KJ isn’t having a dressy party so she picks a casual dress.  Poppy tells SS she needs to be more of a socialista and should plan an elegant party for KJ.  They make KJ put on the dressy dress and SS starts replanning.


BN and LLV have dinner and break up.  She asks if there’s someone else.  He says there isn’t.


Then BN comes to B’s to announce he’s single again.  Then he kisses her on the forehead and leaves before SL has time to break out the champagne. 


LLV storms into C’s living room.  They both think BN and B are making fools of LLV and C.  The revenge plotting begins.


In the Poor House, KJ gathers all her board games for the party.  DD says LLV will come to the party because she’s bummed about the break up.  He answers the house phone and a real estate agent, who thinks DD is RR, tries to make an appointment for a showing of the loft.


KJ and DD arrive at the party with the board games and a vat of chili.  She’s excited that things are going good between the Humphrey’s and JL.  DD chooses this moment—the one in which KJ is finally content and the one right before her celebratory party—to inform her about the potential selling of her childhood home.  Then they both come to the realization that they are Humphrey’s and they don’t belong in the UES.


They get off the elevator to find a swanky party.  The chickadees are there.  Penelope canceled her party because they heard Poppy would be here. 


KJ finds SS for an explanation.  SS makes KJ pose for a picture with her and the photographer doesn’t know it’s KJ’s birthday. 


SE and Jonathan mock the customized napkins.  SE says SS got carried away.  KJ emails GossipGirl to invite everyone in NYC to the party.


C stares at LLV’s boobs in the elevator to the party as they discuss making a sex tape.  I know this was so last season, but why is C going to KJ’s Sweet 16 after attempting to date rape her?  Yeah, as much as I’m in love with him, he’s never even apologized for his rapey behavior.    When C and LLV get off the elevator, they see BN and B talking to each other.   And so, C and LLV do what any two people would do when they see the people they want to be with standing with each other—C and LLV mack it.


Drunk table dancers arrive and SS is embarrassed.  Poppy and her crew leave.  SS wants KJ to help get rid of the dancers.  KJ says she invited them.  SE interrupts to say that strangers are having sex on SS’s bed.  She enlists the help of DD to get rid of them.


BN warns LLV about whatever she’s doing with C.  He then insists nothing is going on with him and B.  B says it’s true but something could happen now that everyone’s single.  B pulls BN into a room and tries to have sex with BN.  He says that things never worked for them as a couple because they were never friends before; now they are friends and should let that be it right now.  She tires to kiss him and he says Hey hey hey.  I shit you not.  Seriously, is he watching Fat Albert for acting tips?  He is not excited by her. Because B’s a girl.


As the unhappy duo reenters the party separately, LLV attempts to gloat.  BN instead calls her more Blair-like than ever before. 


SS and DD remake her bed as they discuss how the party is not what KJ wanted.  SE interrupts again to say there’s a problem.  The three of them and KJ head down to the front door to see a mob of teens trying to get into the party.  The police show up.  Then RR and JL show up.


JL is pissed that her apartment is in shambles.  She blames SS.  SS takes responsibility for the caterers.  DD takes responsibility for the chili.  KJ finally admits that the mob was her fault.  She says she’s not Park Avenue and can’t stop being a Humphrey.


SS seeks out Poppy for help again.  Poppy invites her to Spain with Gabriel the next day.


The next morning, RR and JL apologize to each other for their kids.  Then they discuss how living together could be complicated.  DD overhears them start to talk about Yale and finds out he didn’t get financial aid.  RR tells him to stay positive and to contact his fan.


B and SL walk in the snowy park to feed the ducks.  SL reveals that BN called and asked where in the park they’d be.  BN appears in front of them.  He tells B he does want to be with her.  They mack it.  I wonder what this means for DD, his boyfriend.


SS drags her luggage to Poppy’s where some guy asks if she’s Savanna.  He met her last year when she was pal-ing around with Georgina.  The guy turns out to be Gabriel, Poppy’s boyfriend.


DD calls his lone fan.  The parents pick up their kid’s cell and answer for him.  They are the parents RR and JL met with when they went to find out who their love child was.  The love child is DD’s one and only fan.   That figures.  Only a blood relative would appreciate DD’s stupid story.


Meanwhile, LLV and C totally did it.  And they are totally doing it again.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 16: You’ve Got Yale

Even Poor People Go To The Opera


Highlights: BoringNate and LongLostVanessa have the most boring relationship ever; SluttySerena and DownerDan have the most repetitive relationship ever; getting all rapey is hereditary; Blair needs Yale; RockinRufus will not shut up about his magic skin flute


ServantLady, GayDaddy, and Gay Daddy’s Boyfriend greet Blair in the hall and wear Yale sweaters.  They present her with a dog that’s the mascot for Yale.  They then sit on either side of her at breakfast and ask if Chuck will be accompanying them to the opera later on.  B says C’s dead to her.


DownerDan brings SluttySerena some breakfast at her place even though she can afford it better than he can.  He’s being supportive on Yale Day.  They’re all finding out if they’ve gotten in.  Then they bring up their shared half-brother.  DD hopes they can reinvent themselves at Yale, as in tell NO ONE they share a brother. 


RockinRufus and JudgyLily come downstairs.  Oh, there’s got to be a morning after.  JL tries to believe that it’s not at all awkward to have them both come down to see their children there.  SS and DD leave, all grossed out.  JL brings up opera plans for later and RR thinks they should get more than four hours of sleep.  (So what did they do last night for the other three hours and 55 minutes?  Ba-dum-dum.  Too easy.)  She wants to take him out in public no matter what anyone else thinks.  They start mackin it and SuicidalEric catches them this time and tells them to get a room.  I guess they’re over the heartache of the dead love child.


Chuck is trying to order underage girls for CreepyUncle to sleep with so he can get in trouble.  He tells CU he’s doing a bad job in the company.  CU is going to the opera later and thinks C should go with him to prove that there’s no love lost between them.  I think it would prove that there’s no love between them considering how C scowls at him. 


SS’s teacher looks younger than SS.  SS and DD hold the door open for her as she babbles about Teach For America and how she’s never been to New York before.  So there’s a new teacher in the middle of the year.  What the?  When DD says he’s from Brooklyn and she should check it out, she replies, The place across the bridge?  and I automatically love her. 


Outside of school, B is making the Chickadees check Yale’s acceptance over and over.  She tells NelliYuki that Yale won’t accept someone with SAT scores of 2360. 


DD and BN are together again.  Ah, young love.  They stroll the halls together under the guise of having to discuss what BN can give LLV.  BN doesn’t get DD’s reference to A Clockwork Orange.  Then, and I shit you not, DD gets a text, opens his mouth wide, and grabs BN’s shoulder.  Meanwhile, BN’s eyes dart all over the place.  Young love can be awkward. 


C arrives at JL’s as she picks out a dress.  He wants her to help him with “something.”


The Chickadees in the courtyard keep refreshing their browsers.  Finally, it comes up that SS got into Yale and B got waitlisted.  B can’t read the screen because it’s too small.  DD runs in to rejoice at getting in to Yale (of course he did—tool!).  SS says she didn’t get in, which is a lie, and says she’s been waitlisted like B.  Because she doesn’t let her light shine.  DD says that she’ll get in.  B wants to see Head Mistress Quigley right away.


Over at JL’s, C says that CU is ruining everything.  She wants C to move back in with the family and she doesn’t like shenanigans.  She tells him he needs the board on his side and her part of the company should mean something.  He’s not so sure it does.


B yells at HMQ that DD got in to Yale while she didn’t because he’s a cafeteria lady and she’s not.  HMQ assures B that waitlisted students usually get in and she needs to rise to the occasion.


SS’s ChildTeacher congratulates SS on getting in to Yale.  SS doesn’t want people to know.  CT asks if SS wants to go to Yale and SS says she’s unsure.  CT tells her not to accept for the wrong reasons.  B meets them and is on the hunt for the girl who got into Yale.  SS doesn’t say it’s her.  CT asks B where she was when she missed class and hands back her paper.  B thinks Yale has class for passing up on SS, which it didn’t.  Then she brings up DD’s  need for financial aid for no real reason other than to point out to SS that she’s dating a poor man.


SS gets a call from Yale and she needs to call back later.


JL meets with another board member named Peter who says they have little power.  CU walks in and calls them minority share holders.  She tells him he’s doing a poor job in the company.  He says that the board would never put her in charge because of her bad reputation.


B finds ChildTeacher and complains that she got a “B” on her paper.  She says that everyone gets A’s so they get into Yale.  CT refuses to inflate grades.  B storms off to find SS and cry about losing Yale because of the grade CT gave her.  SS goes to return the phone call.


JL meets C to get dirty.  C tried to buy anthrax and get CU on a sex offender’s list.  JL wants to bring him down legally.  She thought she lost C and she’s happy he’s there.  C ignores this attempt at being a family and wants to crash CU in the Bass plane.  JL gets a call from RR about the opera.  C can’t believe she’s taking her “half price hustler” out in public only weeks after her husband’s death.  He says if she wants to be family, she should show some tact.  I completely COMPLETELY agree. 


OMG, can’t DD go away for like five minutes?  He’s friggin everywhere.  He wants SS to go to Yale with him over the weekend.  B and the Chickadees overhear and decide that if DD goes to Yale, they have to teach CT how to inflate grades so B can go.  SS says that B got into Yale because SS just declined her acceptance.  B doesn’t understand why SS would turn it down.  SS simply doesn’t want to go.  DD storms away, upset that SS won’t be following The Great Tool Downer Dan to Yale because he makes everything about him.  B decides to leave CT alone for now since she doesn’t need the grade.


LLV and BN stroll by Central Park.  She surprises him with tickets to the opera.  This is the most boring stroll by Central Park ever.


At the Poor House, SE tries to teach RR about the opera.  KJ calls it ridiculous and points out that JL loves him because he doesn’t know prissy crap like this.  Meaning he’s poor and she likes slumming it.


B and the Chickadees play angel versus devil to decide if they will rage against ChildTeacher anyway.  B calls CT’s cell to invite her to the opera with her family later on as an apology.  CT doesn’t understand how B got her cell number, but B presses on until CT agrees.


RR, JL, SS and DD stand in the opera auditorium, discussing visiting colleges.  DD excuses himself again because he’s Mr. Sour Pants.  He finds LLV and BN, yet again creating an awkward love triangle. 


CU bumps into RR and JL with his assistant/date. JL tells his date that she has bad taste.  They say the same to JL.  RR is upset that they’re not seeing The Magic Flute because it’s the one he studied even though it’s a kids’ opera.  They bump into some guy who wants to know what to do with the documents.  JL runs to find C to tell him the perfect solution.


BN is upset that the seats LLV got suck.  And old lady with candy sits next to LLV.  Someone coughs.  BN and LLV laugh.


DD and SS are pouting on a couch.  She wants to go to Brown.  He wants her to go to Yale because he’s clinging on as long as possible because this is the closest he’ll ever get to being rich.  Then they have a conversation that goes like this:  Things don’t go in boxes.  They go in the ocean.  It’s a train ride.  It won’t last.  Some of that has to do with JL and RR and some of it has to do with I have no idea what.


RR admits to JL that he studied the wrong opera.  He can’t exist in her world.  JL says it doesn’t matter as long as they exist together in their own world.  They mack it as DD and SS appear.  DD says something about a box.  JL tells them all to go sit while she handles “something.”


B gets a call from HMQ to say that CT called her to say that B would still get an A in the class even though she got a “B” on the paper.  B excuses herself from GayDaddy to go fix “something.”


JL and the document guy find C with their documents.  It’s adoption papers.  She and FatherSlime were adopting each other’s kids and she’d totally forgotten.  C then signs some papers because children always have to sign their own adoption papers.  This means that JL is his guardian, not CU, and CU now has no control in Bass Industries.  CU arrives in time to see all the document signing going down.  C sends him back to where he belongs—Australia.


B finds CT on the street.  CT is pissed because B sent her to a closed restaurant and gave her the wrong time for the opera.  B is trying to make things right because she’s trying not to act out against people any more.  CT still won’t go to the opera.  She calls HMQ.


LLV and BN are in his private box, away from the ladies.  Now they can make out during the boring parts.  Man, if I had a guy over, we’d be making out during the LLV and BN parts of this show.


JL goes to the bathroom.  CU follows her.  She’s not scared of him.  He’s high.  He grabs her. 


RR brags to DD that he talked about The Magic Flute to someone.  He says the trick is to pretend you know what you’re saying.  That’s pretty much how he parents as well.


C catches on that CU has followed JL into the bathroom.  He busts in right about the time CU is trying to rape her.  Aww, it must run in the family. C throws CU off of JL and punches CU.  RR then rushes in as JL thanks C. 


The next day, RR is upset about how his hair looks in the paper because he hasn’t had good hair since ’91.  She says his caring about how he looks in the paper makes him fit into her world just fine.  She’s okay from what happened last night. 


C comes in when RR leaves.  She heard CU is going back to Australia.  She has faith that C will do wonders with the company when he turns 18.  He knows that his dad died by accident.  He wants a new beginning. 


B is getting ready for breakfast with HMQ.  SS reads the catalog from Brown while they’re on the phone.  Then SS hangs up to ogle a picture of her and DD kissing while he dips her.  Who has a picture like that of themselves?  No one!


DD won’t answer the call he gets from SS.  CT comes in to the Poor Gallery Cafe because she’s checking out Brooklyn as DD told her to.  He makes her a cappuccino. 


HMQ gives B detention for what she did to CT.  If B successfully completes detention and the rest of the semester, she’ll get into Yale.  If not, she can kiss Yale goodbye.


SL waits outside for B with her dog.  B storms out and SL detects war.  B is going off the radar and plans to win.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 15: Gone With The Will

You Know That Uncle That Gets Drunk And Lecherous? Don’t Be That Uncle


Highlights: Evil Uncle Jack becomes creepy; Chuck finds out the consequences of trusting family; Blair’s no one’s wife; the search for the star crossed love child continues


Why is it that SluttySerena can go to Buenos Aires on a fifteen hour flight, break up with UberPretentiousAaron three hours in, dance around shanty towns with old men who don’t speak English but wear fine white hats, and return thinner with a tan while I go to Mexico for a jaunt and come back whiter and chubbier while simultaneously struggling with intestinal rebellion?  Oh, that’s right, because she’s rich. 


Chuck continues to perfect the art of frowning without moving a facial muscle while EvilUncle perfects his creepiness enough for me to start calling him CreepyUncle.  Blair scolds CreepyUncle for being creepy.  C comes out of The Palace to meet B and Creepy Uncle when BoringNate suddenly appears to support him in his time of need during the reading of the will.  Then, and this is what it looks like to me, go back into The Palace.


Over in very poor Brooklyn, KleptoJenny insists that her dad must be boffing JudgyLily on their excursion—you know, the trip RockinRufus and JL left for while informing only half of their offspring.  DownerDan insists otherwise.  KJ suggest that DD doesn’t want RR to be with JL because he’s back with SluttySerena.  Then he gets a restricted call and stares at the phone.


JL is missing the reading of the will.  The will reader asks C if he’s okay with CU being his legal guardian.  Casks CU if he can have girls sleep over, CU says sure thing (as long as he can get in on it no doubt), so C is fine with it.  All assets are in a trust for C to start blowing on his 18th birthday.  29 % of Bass Industries remains with the board and 20% is for JL.  Then he hands a letter to C who doesn’t want to read it because it’s about his inheritance. 


B and BN want C to read the letter but he doesn’t want to because he thinks his father wrote to him about how he sucks.  B reads it aloud.  It says that he was hard on C and knows how hard being a man is so the majority share of Bass Industries will go to him.  CU and C are upset by this.  C doesn’t want it because his dad never thought he was worthy while alive.  He tells CU he can have it.


SuicidalEric complains to SS while walking down the street in the cold.  Don’t they have a car service? Why are they always walking everywhere? He says that KJ keeps showing up whenever he’s out with Jonathan, and SS says she has no other friends.  Then they come upon KJ planning a film festival with Jonathan and she loves their matching backpacks.


SS finds DD to tell him that their parents aren’t getting back together so now they can mack it and he doesn’t have to avoid her.  DD lies that that was what he was worried about and says that they’re good. 


In some orphanage far, far away, RR gets a frantic phone call from DD about how he’s lying to SS and she has a right to know.  RandomGirl and the chickadees overhear and want to tell SS.  Then they start talking about B behind her back for no apparent reason.


B chases after C to tell him that his father trusts him with the Bass legacy and she knows he can do it; all he needs to do is read the rest of the letter.  He walks away, reading.  CU creepily stares on through the glass in the door.


In the school courtyard, everyone stares at DD as he walks through.  He shakes his head and keeps walking, knowing the feeling of everyone hating him.  Again.  Or still.


C goes to CU’s office to say he owes him a lot but will be taking over Bass Industries.  CU says he will have to turn 18 to do so because it’s not an after school job and he has no experience.  C says that he’ll find a place for CU in the company if he wants to stay.  CU leaves. C flairs his nostrils, and then takes a seat at his new desk, obviously drunk with power.


CU calls B.  Oh, God, he keeps getting creepier!  What adult male thinks it’s okay, for any reason, to call up the cell phone of a sixteen year old girl he’s not even related to? He apologizes and wants to make things right because C is his only family.  He wants to throw a party for C taking over and B suggests that partying while FatherSlime is dead is tasteless.  He really wants to do something nice so he invites himself to dinner with her, C, and their friends, so that he has his pick of the litter, or rather the chickadees in this case.


RR and JL are pissed because the adoption agency is following their rules.  RR wants to find his own lawyer and JL tells RR to stop thinking about himself.  The agent says he’ll try to get in touch with the family.


B tells SS that GossipGirl is looking for evidence of DD cheating on SS.  B says no one would want DD.  The chickadees smile, thinking they’re helping.  B leaves to get ready for dinner.  No one has attended class today.


DD and LongLostVanessa arrive at Dylan’s Candy Store where NelliYuki suddenly appears.  DD tells her about RR and JL’s secret.  So now LLV knows before KJ, SE, and SS.  LLV drops all her candy while NelliYuki steals DD’s phone out of his pocket without either of them realizing it.  Seriously.  These people need self-defense classes.  BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS!  Then the mini-chickadees show up and once again confront DD for cheating on SS.  They tell LLV that she’s failing upwards by dating BN after DD.  He leaves, LLV stays, and NelliYuki remains crouched behind a candy counter with stolen goods in her possession.


CU greets C at home and wants him to reschedule B for dinner.  He tells him that Chuck Bass can’t work all day and go home to the wife.  Then he opens Door Number 2 to reveal a bunch of whores, ready to go.  This is so wrong on so many levels.  So.  Gross.


LLV finds SS at the Poor Art Gallery to ask if DD has said anything to her about them, admittedly a pathetic inquiry.  LLV lies and says she knows nothing.  SS knows that DD can keep secrets form her.  LLV smiles a smile that says, I’m not telling you anything so go away.  Then she texts DD when SS leaves about RR and JL.


At some club, the chickadees praise NelliYuki for stealing DD’s phone.  They get the text from LLV and figure out that RR and JL have a love child.  They tell NelliYuki that her probation is now a little bit shorter.


Jeez.  Now B’s sporting boobs like SS.  She gets a text from C that says he’s working late.  It simply leaves out the part about the kind of work he’s doing.  In a limo.  With alcohol.  With vaginas.  With his uncle.  So. Gross.


Over in the world’s most taking-forever-storyline RR gets a call from the adoption agency.  He tells JL that the adoptive family doesn’t want to talk to them ever.  He brushes JL off and leaves.


SS and B attend a casual setting party in a library where C is supposed to be meeting the members of the board.  She gets a text from CU that says they’ve arrived.  KJ and DD come in.  KJ wants to find SE.  DD is using RR’s old cell.  He finds SS because he loves brunch and it’s perfect and he thinks it’s crazy he’s here. 


CU walks in as B and the attendees sing For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow.  No C, though.  CU says that C is in the office after a rather rough night.  Then the chickadees interrupt to tell B about the Gossip Girl hit for DD’s cheating ways.   She gives them the okay to release what they have on him without knowing what it is.  Then CU introduces B to the Bass Industries people and she shows them to C’s office.


KJ sits with SE and he tells her that he needs to hang out with Jonathan alone.  She’s mad that SE is conceited and wants to hang out with his boyfriend alone.  He tells KJ she’s annoying.  Thank you, Suicidal Eric!  She storms away.


Then everyone gets the Gossip Girl blast, including JK and SE.  Then SS flips open her cell.  She pouts at it.  Then DD reads over her shoulder and pouts, too.  No one says anything, though.  The chickadees stare and offer fake sympathetic glares.  SS leaves.


B opens C’s office door with the big wigs in tow to find C enveloped in whores with pills and cigars strewn across the desk.  He’s all slurring and pale.  The board members storm out.


Down at brunch, SS blames DD for their parents having a love child.  KJ and SE look at each other dismayed.


B returns to the brunch to drink champagne.  The board members storms after her.  Then C arrives to pull up his pants.  He tells the board members that he didn’t know they were going to be there.  They don’t understand what his father was thinking and they all leaves.  He tells B to stop trying to play wife.


DD follows SS out to say that RR told him that JL wanted to tell SS herself.  He tells SS to call JL right away.  He says that’s why they’re in Boston.  Then SE emerges to ask if it’s true and SS says it is because she found out at the same time he did so she has some authority of course.  Then KJ says this is why they fight like siblings.  What the?  Sharing a sibling doesn’t make them all related.  DD wants to get all the facts.  SS wants to process this alone. 


JL packs in Boston but RR isn’t ready to leave.  He wants to write a harassing letter to the family.  He says that it works out well since she doesn’t want to meet her son.  She says that she’s thought about him every day and she doesn’t want to make more mistakes.  He doesn’t want to fail and wants one more day.  She says that one more day is excruciating because she’s still in love with RR and she doesn’t want him to hate her forever.  He then starts mackin it with her because that’s fairly appropriate right about now.


RR and JL lie in bed together, reminiscing about the old times.  His phone rings. He frantically writes down a bunch of information.  The adoptive father wants to meet with them without his wife knowing.  They’re good at lying and sneaking, so this will work out.


C finds CU eating after the brunch.  He wonders how his only family could ruin him.  CU says that FatherSlime placed him on the other side of the world and has repaid him by giving the company to his pecker son.  CU says that there’s a morality clause that allows the board to replace C with CU so now he’s in charge.


JL and RR meet the adoptive dad in a restaurant.  He has something he has to tell them. 


SE finds SS in her room to see if she’s okay because him, being the one who most recently attempted suicide between the two of them, is the more level headed. 


DD goes to the Poor Art Gallery to find LLV and finds BN there, celebrating his anniversary with LLV.  He tells DD he saw the blast and knows what he’s going through.  Instead of allowing the sympathy, DD gets all tooly and is like, Really??  You found out your girlfriend shares a sibling you never knew you had?  Because DD’s problems are the world’s only problems and no one could possibly relate to his woes.  BN found out who his real friends were through his own problems and says that LLV has been talking about DD and then apologizes for kissing KJ.  He wants BN to tell LLV he stopped by.  Actually, he calls her “V”.  Yes, they’ve started calling her V.  Ugh.


The adoptive dad starts telling RR and JL a story about sailing.  Any story that starts with a boat and is about someone you’ve never met ends in death.  Andrew, the love child, was caught in a rip tide.  RR and JL are so sorry; if they had known, they wouldn’t have bothered.  Had known?  They didn’t even think about the possibility.  I’m surprised RR isn’t blaming them for killing his son.  The dad says that his wife has had a lot of trouble with it and hands them a newspaper clipping.  JL asks if he was happy and the dad says that he always smiled.  Nice to rub in the pain, JL.  How much you wanna bet this dude is lying? 


C arrives at B’s with her favorite flowers and an apology.  She says that it’s too late and she won’t let him self-destruct.  She says he has to blame himself because she and his father believed in him.  She’s done.  He steps back on the elevator and the doors shut but not before she throws the flowers at his feet for the long trip back down alone. 


Over in the Poor House, KJ and DD talk about what they aren’t going to talk about.  Then SS and SE arrive.  DD babbles quickly about the secret and wanting to tell her.  He wants to know if it’s incest to date the sibling of a half-sibling and hopes someone in Russian literature has an answer.  SS says that Cher from Clueless dated her step-brother.  I’d never thought I’d say this but Thank You, Serena! for putting ToolDownerDan and his too-smart-references to shame.


KJ serves SE a plate of something (waffles?!?!!) and he apologizes first.  They talk about getting on each other’s nerves.  SS and DD come into the kitchen and want sandwiches.  Dangit, not waffles.  I guess only RR can make waffles.


Now it’s a musical montage but with funky music!  C strips off his tie.  The distraught wife finds her husband in the restaurant and asks if it’s over; he says that they’ve lost one son and they can’t lose another.  See?  I so friggin called that!  (You see, the clipping was about their other son and not the RR/JL love child).  Plus, for even MORE comedy, the dad says he and his wife have to lie because they have money.  Obviously, he does not know that RR is poverty stricken.  JL suggests to RR that they’re not meant to be a family as they open the door to the Poor House to see all their offspring there.  They immediately join hands and my heart skips a beat because this has got even more chaos written all over it.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 14: In The Realm Of The Basses

The Darkest Realm Of All


Highlights: JudgyLily, RockinRufus, and Evil Uncle Jack compete for World’s Worst Parent or Guardian; Blair masters the art of fooling herself; SluttySerena and DownerDan reunite the toolbox; KleptoJenny returns to the life of a fifteen year old and as SuicidalEric’s best fag hag


Is your heart beating quickly with anticipation?  Boys and girls, it’s time to exhale.  Gossip Girl has returned from our New Year’s festivities.  SluttySerena tangoed with old men in Buenos Aires.  DownerDan celebrated (read: brooded) alone.  KleptoJenny is going back to high school.  Blair has found a new social ladder to climb with the Colony Club, a group of middle-aged women.  Uncle Jack Bass is out looking for Chuck.  Chuck is smoking the hooka pipe in a sweat hut somewhere in a jungle with a hot Asian chick.  LongLostVanessa is still visiting her grandma (which means we don’t have to see her this episode!).  No mention of BoringNate.  He’s probably checking the cake (inside joke—for those of you who watch The Soup). 


RockinRufus returns home from his Boston trip not having found the sculptor or painter he told DD he was on the hunt for.  Wait a minute.  After he got angry with JL, didn’t he tell DD and KJ he wasn’t going anywhere?  So then he skipped out on the holidays with the children he knows to go to Boston in search of an artist, which is obviously a total fabrication.  This?  Is stupid.  He wants to go to school with DD.  Because he’s still regressing to when he was a teenager. 


B is honored to be in the running for the Colony Club.  She tells Servant Lady that she wants a perfect future, Chuckless.  Then she gets a text from Chuck’s uncle, saying that he found C and they’re headed home. 


KJ tells SE that she can handle high school after all the adult stuff she’s been through.  Then she admits she’s a little nervous.  Nelli Yuki is happy KJ is back.  The chickadees immediately reprimand Nelli Yuki for talking to KJ.  SE points out that Nelli Yuki is the new old KJ.  He warns KJ to not get involved.


Evil Uncle Jack is H. O. T.  He finds B and SL on a sidewalk and pulls C out of a limo, all disheveled and pale.  B orders SL to go home.


Upon arriving at school, RR wants to make a plan with DD for later because they missed the holidays together and RR has no friends and needs to hang out with his son to feel wanted and liked.  DD goes to class and RR gets a call from an adoption agency in Boston.  The lady says that they have no record of the adoption he described and suggests he talk to the birth mother.  He says he was going to do that because he’s been looking in Boston all week and found nothing.  Let me reiterate: he skipped the holiday celebration with his own children to look for a child he does not know.


DD and SS meet up.  She’s tan and newly single, having dumped Uber Pretentious Aaron three hours into the fifteen hour flight.  There goes the Mile High Club points.  Unless they had break up sex.  She got an email from her mom that said JL and RR would never be together, so she waited in Buenos Aires to decide if she should be with Downer Dan again.  DD feels the same way she does and so now they’re back together.  Jeez.  They mack it—the two original tools become one again.  At least UPA won’t be around anymore, touting his unfortunate facial hair and manipulation skills.


B and SS embrace in the hallway at school.  B says C was so messed up and admits she told him she loved him.  SS thinks that’s great but B insists it’s not.  Then DD shows up and B goes to vomit.  Me, too.


JudgyLily finds RR in the Poor Art Gallery.  He wants to know where the child is and then bemoans the Boston adoption agencies.  She says it was a boy and she gave up her rights to look for him. RR says it’s not fair because he’s a father, not a rock star, and deserves to know his other son. 


At a coffee and yogurt shop, the Chickadees torture Nelli Yuki while KJ and SE watch on as if it’s a scene from The Hills.  RandomGirlPenelope makes her clean her shoe and KJ intervenes.  She tells RG to be nice.  RG says sure, and then drops yogurt on her own shoe again to make Yuki clean it again.  KJ pulls Yuki away.  RG orders DroopyHazel to clean it.


B finds C smoking the reefer in the school courtyard.  She wants to know if he has something to say to her.  He stares blankly and silently.  Then Head Mistress Quigley scolds him for smoking a giant joint.


RR walks in on DD and SS mackin it in the Poor House.  He wants SS to go home and never be there if he’s not there because he feels left out.  Before SS is even out of the room, he tells DD that it’s a big mistake to get back with her.  Because obviously, she’s gonna get pregnant and give up the baby for adoption and not tell DD and make him find out seventeen years later through a dossier of her life.


B goes with C to HMQ’s office to defend him.  EvilUncle comes in and C greets him because C doesn’t remember how his uncle brought him home in the rickshaw.  B wants to stand up for C anyway.  MHQ says that C was smoking pot and C corrects that it was hash. B says that legally C would be found temporarily insane, so if a court couldn’t convict him, they can’t either.  So then C pulls out another joint for the walk home and EU asks what kind of suspension will be involved.


RR plays 90s depression rock during the Poor Humphrey Breakfast.  Where are the waffles?  KJ loves SS and is happy she and DD are back together.  In fact, I think KJ wants to date SS herself.  DD knows that RR hates SS because of JL and doesn’t understand why RR can have input on DD’s relationship but DD can’t comment on RR’s.  Actually, DD, that’s right—you DON’T get to comment because that’s your father, an adult, and as your father, he has every right to approve or disapprove of your relationships and you don’t get to have a say about his.  However, in DD’s defense, rarely do the parents play the parent role so I’ll let the snotty tool comment (You’re not gonna walk me to school today?  I’m heartbroken!) slide.  Plus, it’s Hil. Air. Eee. Us.


BTW—What’s up with RR’s too tight turtleneck collection?


At school, KJ brings her defense case for Yuki to B, saying that it’s not cool that the Chickadees broke Yuki’s glasses. RG says that if Yuki leaves the group without hassle, the Chickadees will be finished.  B says that she’s hosting the Colony Club and she doesn’t care about the Yuki nonsense.  RG goes a little nutso, suggesting Yuki leave the group in a body bag, and even DroopyHazel calls her out on it.


SS and DD bemoan their star-crossed forbidden cursed love.  B approaches so DD leaves.  B tells her about C’s hash smoking.  SS says C always disappears but then comes back.  B says this time, C is different.  SS suggests they wait until nighttime and then if he’s still missing, they’ll look for him. Because looking for a missing person is always better in the dark.  Then SS has to run to class.  Since when is SS so concerned with getting to class on time?


SE, KJ, and Yuki are sitting at the Chickadee’s table at the coffee yogurt place.  Since when do they have a table there?  Where IS this place?  Then a shitload of people come in and KJ tells them all to sit wherever they like.  RG swears to get KJ.  She calls her dad and says that she’s being bullied and that he should report it to HMQ.


B finds C at the burlesque club that he bought back the night before.  She tells him to go home and he says he has no home and he’s hosting a party.  He wants her to let go of her fantasies and asks if she’s going to profess her love again.  She storms out.


DD arrives at the Poor House with SS to rummage through RR’s stuff.  She finds a ring and thinks RR proposed to JL who denied him and that’s why RR is angry.  DD says that it’s his mom’s ring but the theory was a good one.  Then SS gets a text from B and leaves.  DD finds RR’s Map of Boston Adoption Agencies.  DD calls the number and hears adoption and then thinks RR is giving him up for adoption.  Okay, not really.


B arrives home and cries in her mirror without tears.  She then grabs her own neck and stiffens up.  She’s okay again.


KJ is in trouble at school because the Chickadees claimed she was bullying them.  Then Yuki babbles about the secrets she knows about the Chickadees.  Information that could have been helpful yesterday, Nelli Yuki.


DD confronts RR about Boston.  RR asks if Chuck Bass said anything to DD.  Man, this is just pathetic.  DD is appalled that C knows something about the Humphrey family that DD does not know.  RR says that now isn’t the right time for DD to know and refuses to give up any information.


SS meets B but B has pulled herself together.  SS says B is all C has.  B insists upon hosting the Colony Club.  SS says they need to help C if he’s in trouble.  Umm, wasn’t SS the one who said that B shouldn’t worry and they should wait on it?  B says that she’s saving her own life instead of worrying about C.  GOOD FOR YOU, BLAIR!!!!!  SS could learn something here.  Instead, SS gives B a condescending shake of the head before getting on the elevator to leave.


DD goes to C’s club to ask about RR and JL.  DD babbles about artists and orphans.  C says he was going to keep JL’s secret but since they’re even, he tells DD that JL and RR had a love child and RR just found out.  The last person to tell would be SS and even C wouldn’t share a sibling with a lover.  Yes, even C has boundaries.


B sucks up to the Colony Club in her living room.  They ask B about the company she keeps.  They don’t approve of SS’s cleavage on Page Six.  They’re happy Father Slime died.  They think C is an abomination.  B tells them that the Van der Woodsens are kind and that she needs to go help C.  She says that the Colony Club is just like high school.


C meanders around the club in a haze.  SE shows up to tell him to come home.  C says it was nice to having SE as a little brother.  Awwwwwwww!  I KNEW C loved SE like a brother.  C says he’s going to check out things from higher up.  SE goes outside when he gets a text from KJ.


The Chickadees are threatening to ruin KJ and KJ spills all the rumors about them that she’s going to send to Gossip Girl if they don’t back down.  RG thinks KJ wants back into the group to go to the Collegiate Party and KJ says she doesn’t care and is doing a good deed.  The Chickadees are bored and walk away.  Yuki is upset because she thought KJ was going to take over the Chickadees in a new regime, and then Yuki runs after RG because she did all this because she wants to go to the party.  KJ goes to get hot chocolate with SE.  Hey, umm, where’s Jonathan and what did he have to say to SE last episode?


RR arrives at JL’s to say that DD knows.  JL wants to know what her kids will think of her.  She says she was heart broken and scared and not ready and has had a hole in her ever since she gave up their kid.  RR doesn’t hate her and neither will her kids, but he needs time.  Six months to six years, perhaps? (awesome memory if you get that!).


DD finds SS at C’s club.  DD wants to tell SS what he found out. 


EvilUncle finds B at the party.  He’s drinking and boasting that his family really can throw a party.  She says EU isn’t a great influence.  SE, being half hugged by EU, tells them that C is taking in the view from above.  EU thinks C’s upstairs.  B says he knows nothing about C and that C has a penchant for rooftops.


C is singing to himself as he skips along the edge of the roof.  He drops his glass and it smashes in slow motion on the sidewalk.  He says, oops.  He could be next.  Is this karma?  He tried to rape KJ on a rooftop so now he bites it on a rooftop?


EvilUncle calls out, CHUCK! when he and B get on the roof.  C teeters on the edge.  B calls EU an idiot and says that you can’t surprise someone standing on a ledge.  B needs to write an advice book.  EU tells C to come down because his father wouldn’t want this.  C says he knows what his father didn’t want—him.  He yells out, I’m Chuck Bass!  Then he whispers, Who cares?


B runs over and says she cares.  She can’t take it if he leaves.  She tells him he can’t do anything to himself because he’d be doing it to her.  She reaches out her hand.  He looks at it.  Then C gives her his hand.  He squeezes.  Then he climbes down and buries his head in her neck.  He apologizes.  She soothes him, saying it’s okay.  I melt.


DD starts to tell SS outside of the club the big news but then gets a call from RR.  RR says that he and JL are going in search of their child.  WHAT THE????  When the hell did that happen?  How can they simply up and leave like that?  RR instructs DD to keep the secret from SS because that’s something between Mother and Daughter.  Which is great when Mother is going away and can’t tell Daughter until she gets back, possibly with the secret in tow.  Also, in this case, it’s something among Mother, Daughter, Step-Son, deceased Husband, ex-Lover, and Son.  And never mind telling SE and KJ.  Can we say “bad parenting?”


B tells EU to take C back to the Van der Woodsen place.  EU says C will be better with him.  B doesn’t trust EU and says that C cannot find out about New Year’s.  EU smirks and goes away in the limo with C while B gives them the death stare.


DD tells SS that RR is going away.  She rubs DD’s face.


JL and RR load up into her car, beginning the long-overdue search for their lovechild, leaving two of their children completely in the dark about where they’re going and with no supervision at home.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Musings

Waaaaaaaaaa–No New Episodes Until Next Year

Highlights: What do we think may happen?

How sure are we that FatherSlime, aka Bart Bass, is dead?  We do not know what kind of accident he had.  We did not see a body.  We know he had a shitload of money and young female blood on his hands (figuratively–Chuck usually has the literal kind from all the deflowering he does, forceful and otherwise).  The private investigator who was with him before the accident, as I pointed out last week, was unscathed, and that’s left unexplained. 

Here’s a cool plot twist.  FatherSlime is alive and in hiding for whatever stupid reason he came up with–something like he was finally developing a genuine rapport with his only son so he had to stop that quickly and remain the crappy stoic father he’s been all these years.  So he fakes his own death.  JudgyLily immediately marries RockinRufus who forgives her for the super secret Granny told him (we’ll get to that ridiculousness in a second).  Then FatherSlime shows up alive and well, rendering JudgyLily a polygamist, a huge no-no in most socially elite circles.

Maybe Chuck is in on the faked death, and has left to live with his father in hiding, which is why he pushed SuicidalEric away and left Blair with only a note.  Then again, a date-rapey seventeen year old with a penchant for fine whiskey may not be capable of pulling off that kind of torturous, heart-breaking charade of single-teardom.

JudgyLily’s super secret sounds super dumb.  Super uber dumb.  They couldn’t come up with anything better than “was it a boy or a girl?”  Maybe the “it” isn’t a person.  Maybe RockinRufus is asking about a puppy she drowned, and he was using personification because he’s deep and musical.  The “it” may be a person, but perhaps a person she killed or maimed or kept as a sex slave.  Alas, I have a feeling “it” is indeed a love child.  A commenter on NYMag’s blog suggested that Jonathan, SuicidalEric’s ex-boyfriend, is the love child.  That?  Would be awesome.  I don’t think it will happen, unless the writers aren’t sure who it is and read that blog and decide it’s a really good idea. 

SluttySerena nor Suicidal Eric can be the love child.  The timing wouldn’t make sense.  DownerDan nor KleptoJenny can be the love child since they came out of Alison, not JudgyLily.  LongLostVanessa cannot be the love child because she’s a little too funky, so while RockinRufus could be in her DNA, JudgyLily, no matter how hip she claims she was, cannot.  UberPretentiousAaron’s ex-uberpretentious-girlfriend could be the love child, but I don’t think she’s coming back on the show since DownerDan didn’t sleep with her so that’s out of the question. 

Maybe a foreign exchange student will appear at school and that will just so happen to be the love child.  Hey, this is interesting.  DownerDan and SluttySerena will get together when UberPretentiousAaron gets bored of pretending to be in love with SluttySerena and dumps her.  Then they will both find out that their parents have a love child, and they will find out that RockinRufus has forgiven JudgyLily and they are getting married after all.  Which means that DownerDan and SluttySerena will be step-siblings dating one another, and will each share the same half-sibling.  Now if they have babies, then their babies will somehow be related already but not quite. 

Then KleptoJenny will have more temper tantrums because there’s another child involved that takes attention away from her.  SuicidalEric may succeed in committing suicide after realizing what a ridiculous family he’s part of, especially after his own mother left him for the holidays.  LongLostVanessa will also commit suicide, seeing as how she cannot get RockinRufus to love her no matter how much time she spends hanging around the Poor Art Gallery And Cafe in her Forever 21 gear.

Where has Chuck gone?   Spending his time boinking flight attendants from plane to plane?  Living out of his limo?  To a dark, dark place?

Boring Nate.  Boring.  But so pretty.  He will be relieved when LongLostVanessa commits suicide because he will realize how slumming isn’t really the way he wants to live after all.

Blair will never get over Chuck, and she will pine away until he returns from said dark place.  However, she will never feel horrible about herself again because PapaCy is there to put NastyMom in her place.  I still think PapaCy and NastyMom may run into the Humphrey-van der Woodsen love child on their honeymoon.  She will take all her anger and sadness out on the chickadees.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 13: Oh Brother Where Bart Thou?

Bye  Bye Father Slime


Highlights:  The paler ChuckSlime gets, the darker his soul, and the sexier he becomes.  So.  Very.  Sexy.  And nothing else matters.  Aside from SluttySerena becoming as toolish if not more than DownerDan and UberPretentiousAaron when she screams at Chuck during his own father’s funeral.  Yeah, that happens.


FatherSlime, AKA Bart Bass, is dead.  Everyone at the van der Woodsen / Bass residence is wearing black except for SuicidalEric who’s in hospital attire.  Granny is drunk.  SluttySerena is in a sexy slip.  They think JudgyLily is mourning by making lists and possibly moving into The Palace with ChuckSlime.  She wants comfort food, not a tuna tower, so she goes for a walk to get away from the hot kitchen.


Blair and PapaCy are eating breakfast in awkward silence.  NastyMom likes the picture of FatherSlime in the paper.  Blair laments that CS won’t answer his phone.  PC encourages B to eat more, more, more.  Ah, what a refreshing change from NM urging her to puke even on an empty stomach.  B’s appalled that NM is talking about her honeymoon, but PC explains that in death there’s life, or something to that affect.


DownerDan arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  She thanks him for being a rock since FS passed away.  Does anyone really say that?  “Thanks for being a rock”?  They both think it feels natural that he’s around to be a rock.  Again, rock?  Tool, yes.  Rock?  Sounds stupid. 


UPA arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  Do you see a pattern developing?  She tells them that she’s going to the funeral with her family. She will meet them both there.  What is this, prom?  Like they’re silently fighting over who gets to take her to the graveyard?


RockinRufus is apparently JL’s idea of comfort food.  She meets him in the park for a walk.  She feels guilty about FS’s dying.  He tells her not to blame herself and that it’s okay.  She has a voicemail from FS but hasn’t listened to it yet.  RR says he’ll listen.  Sure, and then he’ll erase it before JL gets to hear it a la LongLostVanessa’s slick move with BoringNate’s letter to KleptoJenny.  Then RR vows to wait for JL anywhere from six months to six years.  As they chat it out, Granny, who has followed JL, watches.


ChuckSlime looks strung out and evil.   Oh, man, I’m feeling that in my tinglies.  You know, I’m tired of calling him ChuckSlime.  He’s taken his angst and highjinx to a new level this season.  Chuck is now Chuck.  Simply Chuck.  Chuck meets the private dick and bargains for the info that FatherSlime had wanted when they got into the accident.  Wait a second.  Was the detective in the car with FS when he was in the fatal accident?  Because the detective doesn’t have a scratch on him.  Anyway, Chuck says that his father is dead because of JudgyLily.  He goes to bury his father.  Is it wrong that grief is sexy?


JL listens to the voicemail: FS didn’t even care that she was going behind his back to talk to RR; FS knew why JL was in the hospital in France.  Dun dun DUN!!!


DD and UPA wait on the church steps for SS.  Both get texts from SS and they bicker about why UPA got his second.  The van der Woodsen limo arrives and SS hugs DD first.  SE finds KJ who appeared out of nowhere and asks if she’s seen Jonathan because even though they’re not together, he was hoping he’d be there.


Granny asks JL if RR will be making an appearance since his kids are there.  Then she says she saw JL with RR in the park.  Because she’s a stalker mom.


Chuck is drunk on alcohol, madness, and bloodlust.  B and BoringNate are holding him up and B is instructing him to lift his knees and move foward.  BN thinks C showing up is a bad idea, but B insists that he needs to show up at his father’s funeral.  She offers to make C throw up.


JL thanks DD for being at the funeral.  Then from over the hilly graveyard comes Chuck, flipping out.  He bellows, What are you doing here?  DD immediately gets high and mighty, catching an attitude with the boy whose father has passed.  B explains that Chuck is loaded.  SS jumps in to defend DD, saying that DD has been more helpful these past few days than Chuck has.  What the?  See?  T. O. O. L. Granny says that Chuck doesn’t have to make sense today.  Not often do I agree with Granny; here, she’s right.  JL tells C he needs to be with his family.  C says, I have no family.  Mmmmm, he’s so pale and disheveled.  Mmmmmm.


In the poor part of town, RR strums his guitar, beginning the long six month to six year wait for JL.  DD comes home, reporting that he was kicked out of the funeral.  Chuck said that DD’s father killed C’s father.  DD wonders if RR thought of going to the funeral.  RR says that wouldn’t be okay.  Then DD says he and SS are friends only even thought they’ve been hanging out a lot lately.  RR says good and DD over-analyzes and questions why his being just friends with SS is so good for RR.  Of course, RR is looking at the big picture of six months to six years, and does not want step-siblings hooking up because that would be step-incest and JL might judge that and dump him again.


B and BN try to make C eat at the funeral. Actually, B is the one trying to help while BN stands by all pretty and quiet.  C leaves and BN says B is maternal.  She says she’s been hanging out with PapaCy too much and is turning Jewish.  Heh heh. 


PapaCy tells NM that funerals make him think of death too much.  He wants to get married tomorrow instead of waiting.  B buts in and says no way because she was all for their marriage only if she’s away at college and not involved.  NM thinks it’s romantic.  KJ comes out of nowhere again and offers to make NM a wedding dress by 7 AM because she owes her an all-nighter and wants to make amends.  Really?  As much as KJ was wrong in turning her back on everyone, she really doesn’t owe NM anything considering NM took credit for KJ’s designs. 


UPA wants SS to go to Buenos Aires with him for the holidays.  She needs to take care of her family.  UPA thinks she wants to stay for DD.  He says that trip is his gift to her and her coming can be her gift to him.  She says, But I bought you a book.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  That?  Was awesome.  I bought you a plane ticket so you bought me a book.  Classic.  She’s left to think about it.


Granny pulls JL aside to ask what Chuck knows about JL and RR.  JL says that Chuck has already told what he knows.  Granny insists that JL go find Chuck.  Then Granny gets a call, gets mean, and goes downstairs to meet someone.


Jonathan shows up to talk to SE.  Aww, young love.


Chuck is tearing through files, looking more and more like a neurotic vampire.  He tells JL she should be worried.  He refuses to look at her because she disgusts him because she disrespected the family by hanging out with RR the poor man.  She blames Chuck for making his father get in the car and for meddling.  He says the blood is on her hands so she smacks him across the face to show that her hands have no blood at all.  She immediately apologizes.  He says when he gets his money, he’ll disappear.


Chuck goes to leave downstairs, and SE tries to stop him.  SE says that he’s buried his step-father and doesn’t want to lose his brother.  Chuck says, We’re not brothers.  Oh.  Knife to my heart.  That’s so sad because Chuck was the only one who treated SE like a person when SE was still suicidal and just came out.  They really were brothers and their relationship has been so endearing.  So sad!


Chuck heads out and B follows even though BN tells her not to.  The writers have really made BoringNate out to be a really bad friend in times of need.  Sure, he’s there, but he’s not doing anything. 


Granny tells JL that she found out that the super secret about JL is in enemy hands and they should sell the info to the highest bidder.  JL thinks it’s the worst time to let the super secret come out.  Granny says it’s the best time to reveal the super secret.


B finds C on the street and wants to go with him.  She wants to be there for him.  He tells her she’s not his girlfriend.  She says that he’s him and she’s her.  Then she says—and she must be reading my recaps to say this—they are ChuckAndBlair, BlairAndChuck.  She will stand by him through anything.  He asks why and she says, Because I love you.  Oh. My. God.  SHE SAID IT!  She said I LOVE YOU.  He says, That’s too bad, and leaves in the limo.  Nooooooo!


SS tells DD that UPA invited her to Buenos Aires.  I have no idea where they are or why they’re walking in the rain.  He says she should pack a bikini.  She goes back to the conversation they never finished at the Snowflake Ball and how neither of them wound up sleeping with the UberTools.  She wants him to tell her not to go with UPA, but DD refuses to tell her what she should do. Then he mumbles really quickly and leaves.


At home, PapaCy tells B that they are family.  She says that C is as soulless as ever even after she admitted she loves him.  Then she cries.  PC says that C needs time.  They hug.  Then B asks for more hugging.  Finally, B has a parent who treats her lovingly.


Granny haunts JL some more, asking what JL’s going to do about loving RR.  JL has tried to fight it, but she can’t stop loving him.  SS overhears, realizes why C was so upset.  Then for no apparent reason, she points out that FatherSlime is dead.  JL reminds her that she stopped being with RR so SS could be with DD.  SS says that UPA asked her to go to Buenos Aires and she’s going to go…if that’s okay with JL.  Nice way of sort of asking permission.  JL is happy to let her go off to a foreign land with someone she barely knows.  SS tells JL to be with RR.


DD finds KJ in her room at the Poor House.  She’s steaming NM’s outfit.  She tells DD that if he plays the game, he’ll get the girl.  She orders him to carry the garment bag so that he can come along to NM’s wedding and see SS there.


JL calls RR to ask him to go away for the holidays since the kids are all away somewhere.  Wait a minute.  Where’s SuicidalEric going to be?  The Humphrey kids are going to their mom’s and SS is going abroad, but what about SE?  Nice one, JL.  And nice not to care about C, even though he hates you.  Such a bad parent.  RR can’t wait six months to six years, so he agrees to go with JL.


The private dick brings C the super secret information because C is the only bidder.  Granny told the detective that she was going public with the info, but he doesn’t believe it.  C doesn’t know if he should buy the info if it’s going to be public anyway.  Private Dick tells him to make a wise decision since he’s going to be the richest kid in New York.


At the Waldorf house before the wedding, SS tells UPA she’s going away with him.  KJ and DD arrive.  DD says he carried the garment bag—an OBVIOUS reference to Dirty Dancing’s Baby saying she carried a watermelon.  UPA checks on PC.  DD tells SS he doesn’t want her to go with UPA.  She says that JL and RR are in love and she can’t ask JL to stop loving RR a second time when things between SS and DD never work out.  Then B interrupts to get SS’s fashion advice.  SS hugs DD and says she’ll be in touch post-holiday.


Chuck meets with JL, saying he can’t believe she’s going to go public with her super secret.  She says it’s Granny’s decision.  He says Granny lied.  She begs him not to turn his back on the people FatherSlime didn’t trust.


NM and PC get married.  UPA and SS hold hands at the ceremony.  B tears up.  Servant Lady smiles and gets teary eyed.


MUSICAL MONTAGE!  The wedding ends with laughter and clapping. DD walks the streets depressed and brooding.  Chuck burns the super secret info.  JL removes her ring.  RR wears a too-tight turtleneck as he packs his guitar .  B laughs as champagne is poured.  PC toasts to the Waldorf-Rosens.  B finds C in her room and snaps at him for a second but he’s completely broken so she cradles him and he falls into her and he’s so lost.  Swooooon.


RR busily scribbles a note at home.  No doubt, this is how he’s informing his children about his going away for the holidays and have a good Christmas and all without making sure they get to their mom’s or anything.


ETA: I was right about the note.  Upon pausing my DVR, I could see what it said.  It’s written in that dad-like all-caps handwriting except for when he’s writing the closing.


Dear Dan and Jenny,

I’m going out of town for a few days.  Don’t worry–it’s all good and when I return hopefully we’ll have lots to talk about.  Your mom is expecting you tomorrow and is going to pick you up at the train.

Have a great holiday.

Love you gu


This?  Is bad parenting.  Don’t worry it’s all good?  What middle-aged man says that?  Certainly not one who wears too-tight turtlenecks (although I have to admit he is a hottie).  Have a great holiday?  Like he has to be politically correct towards his children.  Dude, it’s okay to say Merry Christmas when you know your offspring don’t bask in the glow of Kwanzaa candles.


Granny arrives in Poor Brooklyn.  She wants JL to be happy.  He doesn’t want Granny to come between him and JL.  Granny says the problem is that JL’s in love with RR and they can never be together if JL holds onto her super secret.


UPA decides that the first time he and SS sleep together will be on the airplane.  They cuddle in the limo with a neck pillow.


RR broods in the dark Poor House when DD arrives home from his brooding walk.  DD sarcastically thanks RR for not telling him that RR and JL are in love again.  RR says that SS doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that the note and the packing mean nothing because RR isn’t going anywhere.


DD calls SS.  She doesn’t want to answer the phone in front of UPA.  He says she can because he knows she still has some feelings for DD and he wants her to work them out because UPA is falling in love with her.  She ignores the call and macks it with UPA.  Omigod, she fell for that.  The only reason he said that was so she wouldn’t answer the phone.


ANOTHER MUSICAL MONTAGE!  UPA and SS mack it.  B and C spoon on her bed.  JL waits in Grand Central with her bags for RR.


RR arrives in Grand Central with an angry frown.  He storms up to JL and says: Tell me one thing—was it a boy or a girl?  That’s it?  She was pregnant and got an abortion, no doubt forced to by Granny? That’s the super secret?  I was hoping she was a hermaphrodite or something.


Back to B’s house.  She’s now alone with only a note:


I’m sorry for everything.


You deserve much better.


Don’t come looking for me.




Nooooooooooooo.  Not my ChuckAndBlair!!!!!!!!!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 11: The Magnificent Archibalds

Thank Goodness For Poverty

Highlights: The Captain goes felonious; Suicidal Eric learns the truth about judgment; LongLostVanessa and KleptoJenny make up, and so do BoringNate and ChuckSlime


Thanksgiving again!  We don’t have any flashbacks like last Thanksgiving.   Instead, GG is equating the destruction of an entire native culture with Blair’s need to move because of PapaCyrus.  B wants to have a perfect Thanksgiving this year even though GayDaddy isn’t coming.  SluttySerena tells her she can come but only for a while because UberPretentiousAaron, her non-boyfriend, is meeting the van-der-Woodsen-Bass clan.  B thinks that SS doesn’t like him since she’s showing him off.  SS doesn’t want to date anyone else, which is typical of girls who are dating boys who don’t want to be exclusive.


DownerDan shows up at school looking for KleptoJenny.  RockinRufus can’t find her anywhere.  SS says KJ has been spending time with SuicidalEric.  He tells SS to have a happy Thanksgiving.


Then BoringNate accidentally (wink wink) bumps into DD in the hallway.  Oh, to touch the ex-boyfriend but only for a second more.  ChuckSlime runs into BN but BN wants to brush him off, still distraught over losing all the loves of his life in one fell swoop.  The lesson here is clear: Don’t get yourself involved in a love rhombus.  BN chooses slumming over CS.


KJ and SE are finding out about how to divorce your parents.  KJ is surprised to hear that her parents will be notified.  The woman in charge explains it: They need to know you no longer want to be their child.  Heh heh.  Only one polysyllabic word in that explanation.


LongLostVanessa tells DD that she’s going to watch a German film and eat frozen turkey on Thanksgiving.  DD invites her to stay at the Poor House for the holiday but she doesn’t want to see KJ.  He says that KJ will be a no show.  LLV thinks KJ is having Thanksgiving with BN, but DD explains that BN doesn’t talk to KJ anymore.  RR comes in babbling about Tokyo, SketchyAgnes, and KJ.  He wants to call the cops.  DD says that KJ is with SE.  RR immediately calls JudgyLily and asks to speak to KJ.  JL says that KJ isn’t there.  RR says she’s been staying with SE.  Then JL finds KJ’s sewing machine which really isn’t all that hidden.


BoringMom is dragging BN through a hotel, telling him they’ve run out of options.  Then they drop in to Captain Ahab, who’s been in hiding.  His disguise: weird, old man facial peach fuzz and a fluffy sweater in lieu of a suit.  BN is angry that he’s been squatting while Captain Crunch has been livin’ it up in the Caribbean.  Captain wants them all to move to Domenica and they leave the decision up to BN.  Because once again, children should make adult decisions.  Then again, in reviewing the track record here, BN probably is the best qualified.


Speaking of bad parenting, RR and JL are taking a stroll along the water and the cold doesn’t seem to be affecting them even though it’s November in NYC (then again, RR walked from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side in a sweater while it was snowing, so it’s fitting). JL didn’t know that KJ was living at her place until today.  JL insists that she mediate between RR and KJ and that KJ stay with the van-der-Woodsen-Bass Clan for Thanksgiving because they are a family.  RR tells her to give KJ marshmallows. 


SS calls B and tells her that UPA is probably out with a girl.  B is baking. SS wants to make new traditions.


SE finds FatherSlime home early.  SE texts KJ not to come up and tells FS that things may not work out with Jonathan.  FS thinks Jonathan is schtupping the swim team captain.  SE finds CS to ask why FS would say that.  CS explains that FS has a dossier on everyone in the world.


SS is impressed with UPA’s romantic dinner.  He says she’s all he thinks of, especially when he’s hittin’ up other girls.  He’s now a one-woman man, most likely out of convenience.  She’s overjoyed and wants champagne.  He explains that he’s sober.  She says she used to party, but now she’s stone cold.  Because she changes who she is to be with the boy she likes.


FS and JL catch SE on his way out.  She calls him out on the whole KJ living there in hiding situation.


B finds PapaCy in the kitchen, eating her pie, and critiquing it.  She asks NastyMom why she’s letting PC ruin everything.  Heh heh. I love hyperbole.  NM says that PC made reservations at B’s favorite restaurant and B needs to get with the program.  B complains to Servant Lady.  SL shows B a ring that PC proposed to NM with and says that they’re going to tell everyone at Thanksgiving dinner.


JL tells KJ that she saw RR and they need to work things out because RR loves her.  KJ thanks her and goes to bed.  I don’t know how KJ suddenly goes deaf or beams herself out of earshot so quickly, but JL calls after her and she doesn’t hear.  So JL does what any normal person would do; she goes through KJ’s bag.  She finds the emancipation papers.


RR and DD are food shopping for Thanksgiving, which apparently not a busy holiday from the looks of the store.  DD tells RR he should actually tell KJ that he misses her.  They bump into UPA who lives around the corner, whom they’ve never bumped into before, and he says he’s picking up food for [dramatic pause].  DD says that he can hear her name. 


Now it’s a Convergence of All Things Tool as DD wants UPA to say hi to SS for him and then babbles on about FS and RR and JL and how it’s so complicated even though it was a full year ago and SS doesn’t like cheese and suggests wine.  UPA says that SS no longer drinks so DD sees that as a reason to bring up SS’s alcoholic binge when Georgina/Sara was in town.  Man, now I don’t know who’s douchier.


B complains to NM about not wanting to hear “the news” but NM refuses to admit to any “news” on the horizon.  B decides not to go to dinner.


BN bumps into LLV at the Poor Gallery and Café where she plans to get some paperwork done.  He’s dropping off The Pixies Boxset (really?  really) and he wrote a thank you note to RR, no doubt in girly handwriting.  He can’t take it to the Poor House because of the awkward aftermath of the love rhombus fallout.  He says that he’s alienated everyone he knows and tells LLV to take care.


SS barges into CS’s room fro a word and he tells her to hike up her dress.  No, it’s not a date rape moment, yet.  She wants him to promise not to tell UPA anything about her because she wants it to come out naturally.  CS could care less and goes to FS’s study.  UPA arrives miserable about the Georgina news and SS stumbles over her words to cover until she simply calls DD a liar and jealous.  Now she’s the tool.  The three of them deserve each other.


JL calls RR to order him to walk from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side again.  RR tells DD to tell LLV not to come because Thanksgiving is canceled.


LLV gets stopped on the street near the Poor Gallery.  Some guy wants to talk to her about BN.


CS and SE are opening FS’s safe.  Gold bars and files are inside.  LLV calls CS to tell him that BN’s in trouble with the FBI.  CS decides reluctantly to help and leaves SE to the files. 


B walks along with SL, scolding her that there’s nothing to be thankful for.  SL wants to feed the ducks.


JL tries to force SS to drink and SS reminds her that she’s only 17.  Good parenting.  Then UPA talks to JL about all the paintings in the house. 


SE is freaking out to KJ about the FS’s dossier on him.  KJ asks about SS’s and JL’s files.  Then she calls him “E.”  Since when is that his nickname? She can’t find her emancipation papers anywhere.  DD shows up and UPA asks why he lied about SS.


JL shows RR the emancipation papers. KJ catches them looking at her papers and is not too happy about it.


DD and UPA show up in SS’s room to confront her about who lied to whom.  DD lies and says that he lied to UPA and UPA says, That’s not cool man.  Omigod, I hate them all. Then UPA leaves and DD reminds her that the truth always comes out. In walks SE with everyone’s files of truth.


BN arrives at the Poor Gallery again to meet up with LLV, CS, and the FBI guy. They tell him that Oh Captain My Captain has been planning a kidnapping to get ransom money to live on and that he and his mom are the kidnappees.  BN is on the verge of tears.  CS says that the only way to end it is to turn the Captain and Tenille in.


KJ babbles about burned dresses.  RR says he misses KJ and is willing to let her go to get her back because he won’t stop loving her.  Um, NO NO NO NO NO.  Be a parent, dammit! She probably won’t be granted emancipation anyway since there’s really no neglect.  At least not until recently when RR gave up and turned to his guitar for solace.  She thinks he’s giving her a guilt trip and leaves.


JL confronts FS about the dossiers.  He wants to protect them all.  JL thinks it shows a lack of trust.  She drags her kids away because he’s not for family.


BN arrives at the Captain’s place to say that he knows about the kidnapping plan and loves him but can’t respect him.  He gives the Captain the option to get some sack and turn himself in or run away.  BN refuses to live in a mess. 


JL brings SE to a restaurant.  SS has gone off with her own file.  SE says he read JL’s file.  He can’t believe she didn’t tell him she was in an institution when she was 19 and that her telling him would have helped him when he was in the institution.  Let me say that again: JUDGY LILY WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED WHEN SHE WAS 19.  SE becomes the parent as usual and tells her she can talk about it when she’s comfortable with it. 


SS arrives at B’s dinner while B isn’t there.  She gives the file to UPA and says that DD didn’t lie and UPA can read all about SS’s indiscretions.  Then he can decide if he wants to be with her.  Then she tells NM where B is after texting her.


KJ bumps into B and SL on the street.  They both complain about their parents.  B says that RR will go anywhere for KJ and NM won’t do the same.  Then NM shows up, gives KJ a scarf, and tells B to come home to show her something.  They bring KJ home too.


Captain Kirk kisses BMom and hugs BN.  He turns himself in.  BMom cries.  BN whimpers.  Then they magically transport themselves to their condemned abandoned house where LLV and CS somehow know they’ll be.  They’re still squatting but now that Captain is no longer on the lam, they have their assets back.    BN tells LLV he hasn’t heard from KJ so now he’s available for her again.  Didn’t it not work out the first time because she lived in Brooklyn and it had nothing to do with KJ?  Nothing’s changed so why would it work now?  CS tells BN they’re going to go get drunk.


B comes home and finds GayDaddy there.  That’s the big surprise.  B thought NM and PC were getting engaged.  NM explains that she wanted GayD’s approval first because PC would be the step-dad for his daughter. 


RR and DD arrive at the Poor House and find KJ already there.  She loves RR too and wants to be part of the Poor Humphreys.  They all hug each other at once. Suddenly, it’s The Waltons.


UPA arrives at SS’s bedroom and doesn’t want to read the dossier.  He wants to hear it all from her in time.


JL comes over to the Poor House with SE to have dinner because that’s where real families go because only the poverty-stricken know what it’s like to really have to be thankful.  LLV arrives too.  She and KJ have an awkward moment, but now that LLV secretly has BN back, everyone can be friends again.  Hooray!  DD gives KJ her mail but RR pulls her away to eat marshmallows first.  On top of the stack of mail is BN’s letter, waiting to be read.


GG is thankful for a lot this year:


Rekindling old friendships, like CS and BN drinking in the limo.  Aww, it’s good to see the boyfriends together again.


New relationships of the tool variety like SS and UPA.


How close we get by being ourselves, like Gay Daddy finally being gay.


How you can always go home again, no matter how poor your home is.


Now FS wants to find out why JL was institutionalized and he makes a phone call to find out. 


LLV goes to call her parents.  She finds BN’s letter.  She reads it.  BN declares his caring for KJ.  LLV does what any good friend and confident would do to someone who is part of a family that has taken her in for the holidays—she gets rid of the letter immediately, thinking, Boring Nate is mine, bitch, mine mine mine!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 7: Chuck In Real Life

Love Is Poor, Love Is Gay (and Lust Is All Over)


Highlights: BoringNate and DownerDan secure their love with a date; SluttySerena complains complains complains; LongLostVanessa teams up with ChuckSlime; Blair denies being a horndog; SuicidalEric’s boyfriend comes out to play


SluttySerena comes into family breakfast to find that FatherSlime has returned and he and JudgyLily have some new rules for the family.  No staying out late on weeknights and she must wear a Parisian suit that FatherSlime bought for her.  They will be having a house warming party so they can debut as a family and SuicidalEric and his darker hair gets to bring a friend.  Finally we get to see his boyfriend!  Serena can’t believe her mom is making rules and stuff. 


In the Poor House, Long Lost Vanessa and KleptoJenny are cutting up fliers to save a speakeasy in Brooklyn.  DowerDan doesn’t think anyone at his school would feel guilty about being rich so no one will help.  Then they notice that he has a soccer ball in his bag. His new boyfriend, BoringNate, asked him to try out for the team, so of course DD is going to.  Can’t upset the new boy toy.


Remember when SluttySerena wore a silk dress on the beach in the Hamptons?  Remember when the girls suddenly had semi-school uniforms?  Today, as Serena and SuicidalEric walk to school, she’s sportin a matching silky silver cardigan and has the belt wrapped around her neck as a tie.  Yeah.  Anyway, she’s complaining about the rules and Eric is trying to get her to see the bright side—at least she doesn’t have to deal with being suicidal and gay. Serena still doesn’t like the rules because JudgyLily chooses to do whatever her new men want to do like ski, have colonics, and convert to Islam.  Serena doesn’t think her mom should decide what the children are allowed to do. 


Awww!  Yeay!!! New boyfriends DownerDan and BoringNate are strolling the school halls together; they both have their shirts untucked and their ties askew.  BN compliments DD on his soccer skills.  ChuckSlime arrives in his scarf (it’s about time that thing is back!) and now not even BN wants anything to do with him.  You see, since BoringNate is now poor, he needs to stick to his own kind, even if no one else knows that he’s lost all his money.


Blair walks by in time to see ChuckSlime get the brush off and delights in his having no friends and not being able to sleep with her again.  Even though her body wants him, her brains know better.  She goes off to a disciplinary hearing….


For one of the girls at the steps.  RandomGirl and Chickadee are scolding some girl for wearing the wrong outfit.  The girl says, I didn’t realize–.  Then Blair yells, That tights are not pants?!?!?!  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!!!


LongLostVanessa arrives to ask Blair to help her save the speakeasy.  Blair tells her that charity is for diseases, not NYC real estate.   LLV blackmails Blair with the picture of WifeyDuchess and The Brit making out and threatens to show it to everyone to show why Blair and he broke up.  Blair takes a clipboard to have people sign a petition to help LLV.


ChuckSlime finds SluttySerena lounging in her room, reading a book, obeying the new rules since SuicidalEric convinced her.  Chuck explains that the new rules don’t apply to him so he’s on his way out.  He says that his dad is trying to impress some new clients by showing his family shares their values.  Serena is not going to have values.  Instead, she frolics out of her room in a short-short, red, plunging-neckline dress and tells FatherSlime she’s not wearing underwear and is ready to find some tabloids so she can get a crotchshot on Page 6. 


ChuckSlime meanwhile arrives at Blair’s house.  She wants him to seduce and humiliate LongLostVanessa because LLV is now annoying Blair way too much.  She thinks that since DownerDan stole Chuck’s best friend, Chuck should steal DD’s.  Plus, Chuck will be able to do the impossible—the only person LLV hates more than Blair is Chuck Bass.  Then she says Chuck has erectile dysfunction.  He kisses Blair on the cheek and saunters out.


SluttySerena and Blair are having lunch the next day in what looks like Tavern On The Green but probably isn’t because no Upper East Sider would actually eat there.  Serena thinks Blair still has a thing for Chuckslime.  SuicidalEric comes in and introduces Jonathan, his boyfriend.  The girls’ mouths drop open and they get all giggly and giddy.  FINALLY!  Eric’s boyfriend is HOT.  Maybe he’ll stay away from the suicide game for a while.  And maybe the hot boyfriend will do something about Eric’s ever-darkening hair.  He looks sickly.  SuicidalEric has invited Jonathan to the housewarming.  Jonathan has already met Chuck.  Seriously, I really love the brotherly relationship Chuck and Eric have, and it’s so right that Chuck has met Jonathan first.  SluttySerena wants to hear all about how the two of them met.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with them fiddling with their ties on a busy street in broad daylight. 


Over in the poor part of town, DownerDan is bragging about his stupid soccer skills to KleptoJenny, who is mighty tan for someone who’s been slaving away in a sweatshop for the past few weeks.  She’s happy that DD finally has guy friends.  He insists that he has other guy friends.  Right now, I’m realizing that Dan has absolutely no friends, guys or girls.  Not even LLV, really, since RockinRufus has stolen her away.  Plus, RockinRufus claims to be DD’s friend but dad’s can’t count and neither can freaky dolls like Cedric, DD’s boy doll.  To prove that he has friends, DD calls up BoringNate and I guess it’s a real call even though it seems fake and I’m surprised they didn’t tell him so.  DD first has to explain that he’s Dan, Dan Humphrey, and then sets up a place to meet up later and says “Love you” and hangs up.  Okay, okay, he says “love it” because it’s too early in their relationship for those three little words.  They’re going to “Play soccer” later.  Here, “play soccer” is obviously code for “dry hump like crazy.”  KJ and RR wonder if Cedric is invited and mock DD relentlessly.  Ah, family love.


LLV is hanging with older and older men every episode.  Her new friend is the guy who wants to save the speakeasy, and I’m pretty sure he’s in his 60s.  ChuckSlime arrives and wants to buy the building but keep it the same.  LLV doesn’t trust him and wants landmark status.  Then someone throws a tomato at Chuck to make him leave.  Chuck storms away in his limo.


SluttySerena arrives home and JudgyLily tells her not to be childish and Serena says she’s being treated like a child.  Umm, isn’t that the way a family works?  Serena wants to defy FatherSlime and Lily explains that he’s her husband so all the rules are from both of them.  Serena says that FatherSlime is not her father and last year they were almost a real family.  Lily says Serena could benefit from structure and she should have insisted on it three years ago. Serena suggests that was three husbands ago and decides not to go to the party later.


DownerDan arrives at BoringNate’s house and finds the seized notice.  He then trespasses and finds the place deserted except for a pillow and a sleeping bag in the middle of the living room.  Then he gets a call from BN who’s waiting for him in the park to “play soccer.” 


ChuckSlime arrives at Blair’s to tell her that the deal is off.  Blair still wants LongLostVanessa destroyed but Chuck says there’s not enough in it for him.  She ups the ante and offers to prostitute herself if Chuck reconsiders.  He unties her robe and says they have a deal.  He can’t wait to date rape her.


LongLostVanessa arrives at ChuckSlime’s house because she saw his proposal for buying the building and keeping it a landmark and she thinks that she still shouldn’t trust him.  He says she can go on a website to insult him.  Heehee.  He changes out of his smoking jacket for her.


Blair is putting on a dress that ChuckSlime bought for her as SluttySerena complains that JudgyLily dated two guys named Klauss.  She says that FatherSlime is the worst because he’s a hypocrite.


In the park, BoringNate and DownerDan are on their date, talking about their dads.  DD wants to learn how to do that cool bounce the ball on your knee trick from BN.  BN instead asks him if he’s going to the house warming and DD says he didn’t plan on it since he wasn’t invited.  BN seems surprised because he thought DD would at least still be kind of speaking to SluttySerena.  BN wants to stay home and watch a movie but he can’t invite DD since the housekeeper hasn’t been around.  And now he’s poor but he won’t admit it.  To prove he’s not poor, he buys DD a drink.  Ah, how gentlemanly.  I guess BN is the man in the relationship, which I find quite surprising.


ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy with LLV and the old man knows Joe Kennedy, who Chuck admires for being a womanizer.  The guy reminisces about the gangsters who had style and thinks Chuck would fit in.  Chuck thinks that’s the nicest compliment.


DownerDan calls KleptoJenny to tattle to her about his boyfriend BoringNate’s living situation.  They don’t understand why he’s not living with Chuck, as if Dan wouldn’t get all jealous.  They concoct a plan to invite BN over for dinner because RockinRufus is making chili and everyone who hears about it is required to go, which makes no sense, and while he’s at the Humphrey Home, they will convince him to stay, preferably in DD’s bed naked.  When BN gives DD his water, DD tells BN he has to come to dinner and that Scattergories will be involved.


SluttySerena runs into SuicidalEric’s boyfriend Jonathan at her house and finds out that FatherSlime said that the house warming was family only.  Which it isn’t.


At the speakeasy, LLV likes that ChuckSlime is going to save the place and she apologizes for being wrong about him.  He gets a text from Blair and he tells LLV that she should come to the housewarming.  He’ll send a car because she’s poor and has no transportation.


Oh. My. God.  My new favorite music video?  The Chuck Bass montage to Britney’s Womanizer.  AWESOME!!!!


The Bass-van-der-Woodsen house warming is more of an upscale gala event where JugdyLily is wearing a prom dress and SluttySerena is wearing the Paris suit.  Serena asks FatherSlime why SuicidalEric couldn’t bring his boyfriend.  He suggests she speak to Eric. 


Blair finds ChuckSlime and she still wants him to crush LongLostVanessa even though he’s really buying the building.  LLV shows up, happy to not have brought a poor casserole.  FatherSlime pulls Chuck away from them both.


Meanwhile at the poor house, BoringNate is impressed with KleptoJenny for leaving school to work at the sweatshop.  RockinRufus asks BN how things are with his dad being locked up.  DD changes the subject to brag about his boyfriend’s soccer skills.  BN likes living alone right now where the memories are.


At the housewarming, FatherSlime is angry that ChuckSlime is buying the speakeasy.  Chuck tries to show why it’s a good idea, but FatherSlime hates his son no matter what and Chuck isn’t worth anything.


BoringNate tries to leave and DownerDan desperately tries to tempt him to stay with Scattergories.  DD admits that he saw the squalor at BN’s place and BN gets all mad that DD broke in.  DD says that KleptoJenny wants him to stay, too, if BN wants to act straight for a while.  BN is appalled that they think he’s the Humphrey Family Charity Case.  He says, “We hung out at Yale and played soccer once.  So what?”  Harsh!  BN is so nasty when he breaks up with people.  He storms out.


LongLostVanessa tells ChuckSlime that he deserves to be treated much better than how his dad treats him.  Chuck says that his father knows him better than LLV does and makes some good points.  He wants LLV to stay and she starts falling for his act.  Or is he going all BoringNate on us and really falling for her too?  Blair looks on all jealous.


Meanwhile, SluttySerena is complaining about FatherSlime to SuicidalEric because that’s all she does.  She insists that FatherSlime didn’t want Jonathan there because it would ruin their family image even though Eric is telling her point blank that it was his own decision because he didn’t want to come out of the closet in a national magazine unless that magazine was The Advocate or something.  A reporter comes over to ask them questions about their family being close-knit.  Serena takes that as a personal insult and tells the reporter about how JudgyLily constantly left her and Eric to run off with random men, some of whom were coke-heads.  Lily’s hair looks like a helmet.  Serena realizes that it’s not FatherSlime she hates; instead, she hates her mother.


Blair finds ChuckSlime to call off the bet on the grounds of boredom.  He thinks Blair is worried with having to go through with sleeping with him because he’s making headway.


JudgyLily is complaining to SuicidalEric that SluttySerena went off in front of the reporters.  Eric explains to Lily, his mother, that she wasn’t ever there.  She says there was a lot going on in her life and she’s doing the best she can.  He says she can’t expect them to become a family by simply saying it.  Why is Eric the smartest person ever and he’s only 14 and has to parent his own mom?


Oh.  My.   God.   I can’t even.  Right now, I’m recovering from a fit of raging giggles that landed me on the floor.  DownerDan and RockinRufus are licking and sucking the most phallic-looking popsicles ever.  I can’t I can’t I can’t.  I have no idea what’s going on.  Where did these popsicles come from?  What happened to Scattergories?  What’s happening?   RR gives DD the advice that a good friend is one who stalks someone who refuses help the first time around.  Being a friend is giving someone something he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it.  The popsicles are totally a symbol here.  Totally.  In other words, RR approves of BoringNate as a possible son-in-law because he’s so darn pretty, so DD needs to give it to him.  Hard.


LongLostVanessa is trying to leave the house warming but Blair has taken her bag.  She erased the picture of The Brit and The Duchess so now LLV has nothing on Blair.  She then tells LLV all about the bet between her and ChuckSlime and LLV doesn’t believe her.  Blair tells her that the real estate was foreplay and the real goal was to humiliate LLV.  Chuck appears and doesn’t agree or disagree but LLV takes his silence as agreement.  Blair is happy that LLV was humiliated and admits to losing so will wait for him in her room.  How did she lose, exactly?  I really don’t understand the bet.


SluttySerena and DownerDan run into each other on the steps of BoringNate’s seized house.  Now they’re, like, boring by association because this scene is pointless.


ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy—man, these people get to Brooklyn fast—and the old guy has heard about the deal not going through from LongLostVanessa.  Chuck won’t give up.  The guy tells Chuck to save himself.  LLV is wearing way too much makeup.


SluttySerena asks DownerDan why he’s there.  DD explains that BoringNate is his “friend” or at least hopes he still is.  Serena needed to get some air and talk to someone, but the one person she wants to talk to she can’t anymore.  DD suggests she pretend that he’s Nate since Nate pretended to be him.  Dude, let it go.  Serena tells him about the house warming and how she hates her mom.  DD suggests her mom is ashamed of not being perfect and that’s why she acts so perfectly.  Serena says, I thought you were pretending to be Nate, meaning that answer is way too smart to come from Nate.  Then Serena apologizes for everything that happened between them.  FatherSlime arrives in a limo to take Serena home and she’s happy that DD is Nate’s friend.  She leaves with FatherSlime. 


When SluttySerena and FatherSlime arrive home, everyone has since left the party.  JudgyLily apologizes for not being around for seventeen years.  Serena says that the brief period between Klausses was good.  Serena apologizes for embarrassing them.  Lily says that’s who they are and she doesn’t care who knows.  But doesn’t FatherSlime, since he has that whole dossier on Lily? 


DownerDan arrives back in the poor house with BoringNate right behind him.  KleptoJenny gets ice cream and RockinRufus gets his 80s songbook because Nate seems like a Wham! guy.  What the?   I mean, I agree Nate would be into Wham but what’s with the guitar and the ice cream?


ChuckSlime finally comes to Blair’s room, where she has lit candles.  She asks what took him so long and he says if she thought the wait was long, she has no idea what she’s in for.  Is that a penis reference?  They mack it.  He tells her to say those three words she wanted him to say to her in the Hamptons.  She won’t say those words.  He counts the letters and the syllables.  She won’t say them but she’s prepared to settle.  He’s not.  He won’t give himself to her if she won’t say those words.  She thinks this is because of LLV but he says he wants to raise the stakes.  He chased her for long enough so now it’s time she chases him.  He leaves her on her bed, all hot and bothered, and all alone.