Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 4: The Ex-Files

Every Old Queen Is New Again

Highlights: DownerDan is a tool; RockinRufus is a tool; Judgy Lily is alive and so is Suicidal Eric; Long Lost Vanessa screws over Boring Nate and Blair big time; Slutty Serena, well, you’ll see

When we last left the kiddies, they were weeping outside elevators and sweating in, well, sweatshops.  Now the summer is finally over and it’s the first day of school. 

 

JudgyLily has finally returned.  From some place that has a beach because that’s where she made FatherSlime wear flip flops and Slutty Serena is enjoying that.  Suicidal Eric isn’t as amused.  He wonders if more people are coming to breakfast because there’s so much food.  Then ChuckSlime appears and Serena threatens to kill him if he calls JudgyLily “mom.”  Lily explains that FatherSlime is in Beijing. 

 

Serena wants more details about her mom’s trip and the flip flops and wants to stay home from school.  Chuck explains that Serena broke up with DownerDan.  He says that she’s queen and needs to rule, but Serena says that’s Blair’s old job.  Then she calls Chuck a eunuch.  Nice one.  Lily didn’t even know Serena was back with Dan.  Were they ever really together?  They were just doing it.

 

Meanwhile in the poor part of town, RockinRufus is having the same conversation with DownerDan.  Rufus tells him to be honest and stop with the sarcasm.  Dan says he heard Rufus’s “friend” sneak out earlier in the morning.  Sweet.  Shackin up! 

 

Then KleptoJenny comes into the kitchen wearing something like a tuxedo but not the maternity tuxedo Blair wore last season when she could have been pregnant.  KJ doesn’t want to go to school because Blair and the chickadees categorize all the other girls into victims who need help and total losers.  Neither Rufus or Dan understand because they’re not girls.  Girl-y, but not girls.

 

At school, Blair and the chickadees are interviewing girls.  And criticizing them and making them feel bad about themselves.  All the girls are wearing that tuxedo thingie.  Apparently that’s the school uniform for the girls.  Did they have that last year?  Did I totally miss the entire tuxedo theme last season?  I knew the boys wear yellow shirts and red ties with blue blazers, but the girls?  They have tie thingies over white shirts? 

 

Suicidal Eric is following around ChuckSlime at school.  Chuck is using a similar system that Blair uses to weed out girls but for dating purposes.  Eric thinks it’s impersonal.  Chuck thanks him.

 

SluttySerena walks the halls pouting.  She sees DownerDan doodling in the courtyard and walks away.  She wonders what’s wrong with her.

Blair and the chickadees bemoan the weak set of girls they’re meeting.  ChuckSlime approaches with a dossier of his own.  Blair says that she and The Brit are better than ever because of what happened last week and leaves.

 

At the poor community arts center in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Oh. My. God.  BoringNate is so gay.   The following description of what he’s doing really does this scene no justice but I’m going to try.  He hops up onto the curb, his arms out, his jacket blowing open, his shirt untucked.  He calls out—Vanessa!  Hey! Wait up!  Long Lost Vanessa is mortified by him and tries to make him go away.  She’s dressed in some fushia-red pants and a purple top because she’s the youngest member of the Red Hat Ladies.  He complains that she hasn’t returned his calls and he doesn’t understand why she told him to stay with Catherine.  He wants to know if they’re not friends now and she says they never were.  Cold, LLV.

 

At the rich school, DownerDan hits on KleptoJenny in the girls’ hallway.  He’s waiting for SluttySerena without really waiting for her.  Then the chickadees walk by and totally ignore KleptoJenny.  Dan says, Welcome to my world, and goes off on a tangent about automatic doors not opening for him.  KJ thinks ‘tis better to be ignored than tortured.

 

DownerDan attempts to return to his side of the building but winds up bumping into not one but two people. The second one is a girl.  She introduces herself as Amanda.  He says, I’m Dan and I just assaulted you.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.

 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena is telling Blair about hiding before when she saw DownerDan in the courtyard.  Serena is totally not wearing the tuxedo thing.  She’s got on a white t-shirt, a white shrug, and a long black untied ribbon around her neck, but it’s not what Jenny was wearing.  Blair’s in white too with a shawl and a black ribbon with a huge black ball (flower?) in the middle.  What is going on?  Blair tells Serena that breakups are easy and she rubs The Brit in Chuck’s face.  Serena calls that twisted foreplay.

 

DownerDan tells Amanda that he interned for that author guy over the summer.  He does not mention that he got fired, went to the Hamptons, and did it with his now ex-girlfriend the whole rest of the summer.

 

Blair tells Serena that whoever dates first after a breakup wins, and since Serena dated PovertyStrickenLowlyDownerDan Humphrey, Serena wins by default.  And the girls round a corner to see that very same Dan Humphrey talking to Amanda.  He’s daring to date before Serena does according to Gossip Girl, but really, is bumping into someone in a school hallway really a date?  Probably on this show, yes.

 

Blair goes through Amanda’s file to find that she’s won awards and is a pretty good student.  SluttySerena doesn’t really want to hear it but Blair calls Amanda “Dan with boobs.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Serena says that it doesn’t mean anything that Dan was talking to Amanda.  She so doesn’t believe it and neither do we.

 

WifeyDutchessCatherine arrives at the gallery, which I thought was converted into a coffee shop but is now a full out gallery again.  She’s there to tell Long Lost Vanessa that she knows BoringNate was there and appreciates LLV’s making him go away.  LLV wants Wifey to leave.  Wifey hands LLV an envelope before leaving.  LLV finds a check for five grand (that’s $5000) inside and wants to give it back but Catherine has already left.  Since she left seconds ago, it would be impossible to run after her.  It’s also impossible to rip up the check.  So LLV now must keep the 5 g’s.  That Nate will definitely not find out about, no way, no how.  Not right now, anyway.

 

Back at school where all the non-home-schooled kids have to go instead of getting to hang out in hip coffee shop galleries in the poor part of town, DownerDan and SluttySerena finally say hi to each other.  Dan says, I waved, for no reason.  They have an awkward conversation.  They are both nervous.  Then ChuckSlime watches on as Dan suggests the two of them be friends.  Serena wants to have lunch together.  Amanda arrives and Dan explains that since Amanda’s new, he suggested they have lunch.  So Serena says, Welcome!  Then slinks away ashamed.  ChuckSlime catches Serena on her way out and asks, Who would have thought Humphrey would be the one to move on first?  Heeeeheeeeee.  He’s so evil.  Then in typical “if I think no one sees me, I’m invisible” fashion, Chuck holds up his phone about three feet away from Dan and Amanda, and takes their picture.  These people are seriously going to be attacked in a mall parking lot someday.  Most likely Dan because no one else would go to a mall.

 

Blair and the chickadees all get the picture on their phones immediately.  Blair calls for her class schedule now.  I don’t know what that means.

 

JudgyLily makes it over to RockinRufus’s gallery.  He’s all excited to see her.  Then he tries to act all suave, telling her he’s busy.  RepoMan is playing at the Sunshine and he’s on his way out.  She wants to go.  He says that 20 years ago, they went to see RepoMan and she stole his soda and walked out.  Lily offers to buy him another because now she’s rich and he’s poor.  So very poor.  That one soda sent him on a downward spiral.

 

Blair and the chickadees accost Amanda and invite her to lunch.  They tell her that going to lunch with Dan Humphrey is hazardous to her health.  They drop a tennis racket on Amanda’s foot.  Or it’s a stick.  Whatever.  SluttySerena wants Blair to stop but Blair won’t because if Amanda goes to lunch with DownerDan, not only will Amanda magically become poor, but she’ll also become Dan’s girlfriend.  They all walk away, leaving Serena alone.

 

LLV is at Wifey’s house now, trying to return the check.  She barges into the study where she catches Wifey making out with, um, er, is that her stepson, the guy Blair is dating?  It looks like him but I’ve been very wrong before.  So as of right now, I’m holding off on my incredibly disgusted ew until I know for sure.  LLV snaps a picture of them.  Okay, so maybe Nate won’t find the check Wifey left for LLV.  This is even better.

 

ChuckSlime finds DownerDan to tell him that Amanda’s not going to lunch because she was threatened with hockey sticks.  He explains that they’re taking Amanda into their clique so that she has to follow the code of not being allowed to date exes.  Chuck leaves and Long Lost Vanessa calls Dan. 

 

During lunch, Blair and the chickadees explain to Amanda that she can’t date Downer Dan because he’s SluttySerena’s ex.  That was quick.  Serena sends Amanda to get gelato and tells Blair that this is wrong.  She goes off to find Dan to tell him they were all wrong.  What about the gelato?

 

Then Dan meets up with Vanessa.  Where the hell are they and how did he get there so fast?  She shows him the picture she took of WifeyDutchess.  Dan tries to hand back the phone and asks, “Why can’t I look away?”  Heeheeeee!  LLV can’t confront Catherine because the butler will remember her and then Wifey will “drop the dime on the Captain” according to DownerDan and he’s so happy he gets to talk like that.  Me, too.  Captain talk is fun.  LLV isn’t sure how to use the picture to help Nate.  Dan tells her to get Blair to help because Blair is the revenge expert.  Then Dan needs to go because something about Serena.

 

Now Dan’s back at school and SluttySerena apologizes and tells Blair to stop.  He keeps interrupting her.  She’s trying to apologize and he keeps stopping her and making her feel worse.  Because Dan’s a tool.  So Serena says that if this were a competition, she wouldn’t need Blair and her posse to win.

 

Amanda finds Dan and asks him what they’re doing tonight.  Because now they’re a couple.

 

Long Lost Vanessa arrives at Blair’s and explains all about the Captain and Wifey and The Brit.  Okay, so I think it really is The Brit who was making out with his stepmom.  EW. EW. EWWWWW.  Blair’s in tears and doesn’t want anyone else to know.  LLV says she simply wants Boring Nate out of WifeyDutchess’s clutches.

 

Amanda has taken DownerDan to this hotspot where everyone goes.  It’s a declaration of war, apparently, on Dan’s part.  The chickadees take a picture from across the room which is more believable. 

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  KleptoJenny wakes DownerDan up by hitting him with a pillow.  Awesome.  She asks about him and Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl.  She tells him that he’s committing social suicide and it’s mean.  Dan says SluttySerena started with the girl mafia.  KJ tells him to apologize before it’s too late.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  ChuckSlime wakes SluttySerena up by tickling her ear with a flower.  She reminds him of boundaries but he doesn’t move.  Hey, remember when he tried to rape her in the kitchen of his dad’s hotel after feeding her grilled cheese made with truffle oil?  Ah, memories.  She says that she and JudgyLily had a girls’ movie night.  ChuckSlime shows her the morning headlines—Gossip Girl’s headlines of  Dan and Amanda. 

 

KleptoJenny finds Long Lost Vanessa near school and LLV explains she’s looking for Blair. KJ gets some sac and asks the chickadees where Blair is.  They remind her that her day will come when they will obliterate her. 

 

SluttySerena runs into DownerDan and she accuses him of using another girl to embarrass her in front of her friends.  He says he’s sorry and he was wrong. She agrees.  Now Serena wants him, her, and Amanda to go out all together.  He agrees to it begrudgingly.  Amanda apparently doesn’t get a say in it.

 

LLV arrives at the restaurant where Blair is meeting up with the Brit.  He can’t wait for her to go away with the family.  She asks if it would get too cramped, with him sleeping with his stepmom and all.  He says it’s happened only a few times.  Then Wifey arrives and Blair instructs, Take a seat.  WifeyDutchess responds, Beg your pardon?  Blair answers, Not yet but you will, as she texts her the picture of Wifey and Brit mackin it. I. Love. Blair.

 

LLV arrives at Wifey’s house.  She wants to speak to the Duke.  She’s totally going to ruin everything.  This is what happens when you’re homeschooled in Brooklyn.

 

Now Downer Dan, Amanda, and SluttySerena are on their date together.  They’re talking about books.  Actually, DownerDan and Amanda are and SluttySerena is being dumb.  She goes to the bar to get some hard alcohol.  The chickadees arrive and bring over boys.  They offer to buy her a drink.  She offers to get next round and then flings her hair around seductively while downing her martini.  Dan isn’t even paying attention to her.  Yet.  Last time she drank, didn’t she wind up killing someone or something?

 

One of the guys comes back to the table with Slutty Serena and tells them all sports stories.  Serena explains that DownerDan likes poets and letters to poets.  Amanda goes to the bathroom and Serena goes for a drink.  The guy says to Dan, Smokin hot, and Dan leaves to talk to Serena.  He asks if this is her peace plan and she says it wasn’t planned.  Then she starts crying, saying that just because they broke up doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him.  He goes to touch her arm but can’t.  He wants to stay away from her and for her to do the same.  She says that he and Amanda should go.  He asks if she’s ordering her to leave.  She says it’s a suggestion because everyone there is her friend and it’s not his kind of place.  And the real Serena comes out.  Awesome.  She walks away before he can respond.

 

ChuckSlime sidles up to Dan.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  Let me say that again.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  That’s not a metaphor.  He’s wearing a purple suit.  He wants to know what Dan is cashing out and leaving soon.  The real Serena is about to come out.  Dan says he’s seen enough but Chuck doesn’t think so.

 

Blair gets BoringNate to come over.  She tells him that WifeyDutchess is a lying whore who’s sleeping with her stepson.  She’s convinced them both to leave town.  Wifey will pay the Captain’s restitution as long as Blair will keep her mouth shut.  Then Wifey calls Blair and finds out that Long Lost Vanessa talked to the Duke.  Way to go, LLV.  You just ruined everything.  EVERYTHING.

 

ChuckSlime, still in his purple suit, tells the chickadees that SluttySerena is making all this about DownerDan instead of blaming Amanda.  He reminds them of the Danish exchange student in 9th grade and squirts some blue gel into a martini glass. I have no idea what’s going on.

 

JudgyLily arrives at The Poor House with a video of Pretty In Pink because Serena canceled on movie night.  Rufus asks why she’s really there and she says that her life is in an empty house or crowded restaurant and she needs a friend.  He apologizes and says he can’t be her friend.  He says that he can’t be her safety net because she made her choice to be Mrs. Bass.  Then Claire shows up and kisses Rufus right smack dab on the mouth.  He introduces the two women.  That was cold, Rufus.  Now we know where Dan gets if from.  Lily gives him a bottle of wine that used to be his favorite and walks out.

 

LLV is back at the gallery (wow they get around fast) and is trying to get Boring Nate to call her back.  Blair storms in yelling.  LLV thought Blair was doing nothing and says that the Duke promises that the Captain will be safe.  Blair says that Nate was about to have his old life back and explains the plan that LLV messed up.  Blair says that it’s all over for Nate thanks to LLV.

 

RandomGirl chickadee pours the weird martini concoction  on Amanda’s hair and her hair starts to fall out.  She makes weird sounds.  DownerDan wants to help but Amanda runs out.  Serena asks if she’s okay and says she didn’t plan it.  Dan yells at Serena, saying that nothing is ever her fault.  He says that she can’t see herself and this is who she is.  He says at least the chickadees own up to it.  Maybe Dan should also own up to being a tool and then everyone will be themselves for once.  Serena tells the chickadees that from now on, everything goes through her.  Queen Serena back again.

 

LLV finds BoringNate walking down the street.  She apologizes.  He doesn’t care about the money and he’s upset that she lied to him and confided in Dan and Blair.  He needs to get to school.  She asks if they can’t even be friends and he reminds her that they never were because she’s poor and homeschooled. 

 

The chickadees are meanwhile going through KleptoJenny’s stuff and KJ says that they lack imagination.  The chickadees say they’re still effective.  KJ cleans out her locker.

 

DownerDan calls Amanda to apologize about the night before and says it wasn’t Serena even though he blamed her. 

 

Meanwhile, ChuckSlime is sitting with Amanda.  He planned for her to get Dan interested so that Serena would be jealous and become queen.  This has something to do with Blair in some way.  He heard that Amanda’s going to boarding school in Vermont.  And then he leaves.

 

KJ arrives at the sweatshop to intern. The nasty woman believes that KJ has off from school so makes her clean tables.

 

Blair arrives to find the chickadees gushing over Serena.  So much changes when you’re home sick from school.  ChuckSlime tell Blair that Serena’s back on top.  He knows exactly how that happened.  Blair storms away.   

DownerDan finds everyone in the courtyard staring at him.  He asks around for Serena but no one will talk to him.  At all.  Mass exodus in the courtyard.  Poverty has that effect.  So does being a tool.  Then Slutty Serena comes waltzing through, gives him a look, and walks away.  This is the real Serena, queen of the sluts.

 

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 1: Summer, Kind Of Wonderful

Whoring In The Hamptons

Highlights: BoringNate gets it on with an old lady; SluttySerena can’t find anyone worthwhile to be slutty with; Blair falls for an accent; ChuckSlime falls for himself; KleptoJenny and Suicidal Eric are friends once again because they’re both bitchy; RockinRufus is on the road; JudgyLily and Father Slime must be on their honeymoon because they’re nowhere to be found; Long Lost Vanessa is lost again

Because I don’t have a DVR and because my VCR doesn’t grasp the concept of Leap Year, this week’s long awaited recap will have to be delayed even further until the CW starts streaming the premier online.  For now, here’s what we’re looking forward to, all gathered from memory, and most likely out of order:

BoringNate has found something semi-interesting to do in the Hamptons over the summer.  That semi-interesting something is a long-limbed blonde.  We’re supposed to think it’s SluttySerena at first because when we last left the kids, they were smiling at each other on the sidewalk, speaking of how they could buddy up in the Hamptons.  Immediately, it’s apparent that this is not SluttySerena.  It’s some woman who is probably married.  We all know that BoringNate is secretly imagining it’s a boy, most likely ChuckSlime, but that doesn’t stop the non-witty banter of how they want to get it on in the worst way and she’s going to take him back to her guest house so her husband doesn’t find them.  I wonder if they’ll get caught.  Hmmm, from the recent commercials showing BoringNate running around the burbs in his underwear, all signs point to You Bet Your Ass They Get Caught.

 

Speaking of…ChuckSlime is busy on the beach objectifying women.  SluttySerena walks by in a lovely satin frock.  Who wears that to the beach?  That material is the opposite of breathable.  She passes by with a huff and ChuckSlime ogles the three girls some more.  Gossip Girl wonders why Serena is always spotted alone and why Nate is totally off the radar.  Umm, I know the answer to one of those—Nate’s boring.  Perhaps that’s the answer to both.

 

Meanwhile, back in the city, PovertyStrickenLowlyBoyDan is interning as an assistant for an author who I’m pretty sure is Jay McInerny in real life but is a fake author in Gossip Girl Land.  PoorDan takes interning very seriously—he uses this opportunity to make out with girls behind bookshelves.  He gets one girl’s number and then gets admonished by the author because Dan wasn’t paying attention to the author when the author read Dan’s favorite chapter.  Dan has it memorized.  I don’t doubt that.  He probably recites it to himself as a self-soothing technique so he can fall asleep in his lonely poor loft in Brooklyn while visions of Serena dance in his head even though she’s a slut who kills people and keeps secrets.

 

Then there’s another girl who also is mackin on LowlyBoyDan.  Gossip Girl wants to start calling him Playboy.  Um, no.  Uh-uh. I will not be referring to Dan as Playboy.  Fred suggested we call him Po’Boy instead.  Heeheeee!  I think we’ll stick with Poverty Stricken, Poor, Lowly, Lowly Boy, or any combination of those.  He can’t be a Playboy for that long.  Because he’s Dan and Dan’s deep and sad and cares too much about people to sleep with every girl he meets.  Plus, he has to write a short story as part of his internship so who has time for girls.

 

Awww, as punishment for stealing, KleptoJenny is working in a third world country sweat shop, which is really not a far stretch for her since she lives in poor Brooklyn.  Oh, oops, not really.  She’s interning at a bitchy designer’s shop and the bitchy designer isn’t interested in KleptoJenny’s dress because it’s made from stolen goods and as punishment for making an ugly dress, KayJay has to match up buttons for homework.

 

Both LowlyDan and KleptoJenny are left to their own devices back in poor Brooklyn because their mom, who I guarantee we’ll never see again, went out and RockinRufus is on the road with the band.  Dan wants spicy food and Jenny is too hot for that.  Then Dan stares at Jenny in the way Brandon Walsh used to stare at his twin sister and it gets kinda creepy for a few seconds.  So creepy that KayJay leaves the room with her buttons and PoorDan slams closed his laptop having not written a thing and goes off to find food.

 

ChuckSlime gets all snazzed up and buys some flowers since he heard that Blair is coming into town.  SluttySerena tells him he’s not going to be able to buy back Blair.  He doesn’t listen and goes to the bus stop to win her back.  I can’t even describe the insane outfit he’s got on.  It’s very bright.  Like, you know that movie with Robin Williams?  He dresses up in a shiny rainbow outfit and dances around for children?  Well, that’s what ChuckSlime has on.  The bus pulls up and Blair disembarks and then, well, well, Blair has a boy toy with her and they mack it.  Chuck gets pissed. 

 

SluttySerena and Blair are lounging together.  Serena tells her that a lifeguard asked her out.  Blair says lifeguards should be used once and tossed aside.  Serena then goes on a date with the lifeguard and tells Blair to tell anyone who asks that she’s with Boring Nate.  Blair doesn’t understand but says she’ll do it.

 

BoringNate inevitably gets tossed off the guest house balcony in his undies when the lady’s husband arrives home.  She gave him the choice of under the bed or out the window.  To spice up his boring life a bit, he tucked and rolled out of the driveway.  Then he runs across the street only to almost be hit by a car.  Driven by a lifeguard.  With SluttySerena in the passenger seat.  She’s shocked.  He’s shocked.  They lock eyes and then BoringNate runs off. 

 

Ah, now I’ve caught on.  Serena has been Nate’s beard.  They’ve made a rumor that they’re dating to cover up the fact that Nate is gay.  Oh, wait, that’s not right.  Not yet, anyway.  They’re covering up his affair with the married lady.

 

Later on…Damn that Mother Chucker!  Heeheeheeee.  My sentiments exactly, Blair.  Blair and Serena are walking around the Hamptons, bemoaning the likes of ChuckSlime.  Then ChuckSlime and BoringNate show up.  Blair takes to bickering with ChuckSlime.  Serena takes to scolding Nate for dating a married woman because when he said older, she thought he meant college and not old married lady.

 

And now for the most awkward afternoon luncheon ever.  Here are the attendees: JudgyGranny, SuicidalGayEric, Blair, Blair’s new boy toy, and ChuckSlime who is wearing a creamy green suit and looks like Easter.  And Eric’s the gay one?  ChuckSlime quizzes new boy toy about Blair’s likes and dislikes and Blair despises Charade.  Eric points out that it’s boring for the rest of them who already know Blair to talk about what she likes.  New boy toy says he likes learning about Blair. Then ChuckSlime sees the heart pin on new boy toy’s sweater sleeve.  Chuck gets all bent out of shape and leaves.  Blair runs after him and asks him to tell her that he loves her.  ChuckSlime can’t.  She runs back to the table.  Then she plucks the pin off new boy toy’s sweater anyway, saying it must have gotten caught.  New boy toy hadn’t noticed and doesn’t care and keeps eating.

 

Suicidal Eric, ChuckSlime, and BoringNate all play croquet.  Fred pointed out that they’re not playing the correct way because when Eric got his ball through the wicket, he was supposed to go again but Chuck took his turn instead.  Damn that Mother Chucker.  Chuck wonders why Blair’s new boy toy told him that he went to Princeton while Blair insists that the boy toy goes to Georgetown.  ChuckSlime calls up his own private investigator as SluttySerena storms into the backyard. 

 

At some point in the episode, and I’m not sure where because it was completely random, KleptoJenny calls up Suicidal Eric and he’s really bitchy to her because she’s taken three months to call and apologize.  She asks him for a favor and he says he’ll be her friend because he doesn’t have many. 

 

Now it’s time for the product placement white party.  Vitamin Water is hosting it so we all must now go out and buy Vitamin Water.  The invitation has a picture of Vitamin Water on it.  I know this because we see the invitation when LowlyDan arrives in the Hamptons and goes to JudgyGranny’s house to find SluttySerena and she invites him to be her date to the party.  I shit you not.  JudgyGranny says that after going through her tragedies, she realizes that poor people are people too and if Serena wants to slum it, so be it.  She gives Dan her husband’s white suit and off they go to the party.

 

Also at the party—KleptoJenny wearing the lace frock she made specifically for the party.  The designer she interns for finds her there and asks how she got in because her name isn’t on the list.  Jenny says she has friends there and then Suicidal Eric comes up with Tinsley Rich Girl and introduces them and Tinsley loves Jenny’s dress.  Later on, the designer kisses Jenny’s ass because Jenny knows rich people.  KayJay says she’ll still intern for the bitchy designer.

 

SluttySerena goes with BoringNate to the party to make his married girlfriend jealous because she’s there with her old and crotchety husband.  This is obviously not P. Diddy’s white party because people are wearing off-white, Serena has silver in her hair, Nate’s cardigan looks yellowish, and ChuckSlime has black stripes along his seams.  In any case, SluttySerena macks it with BoringNate to make married lady jealous.  PoorDan arrives at that exact time and gets all bent out of shape.  Serena chases him and Dan’s upset, not because she kissed the boring guy, but because she can’t have a simple answer and has a convoluted explanation and can’t tell him exactly why because it’s a secret.  Dude, it’s not like she killed anyone.  Oh, wait a minute, yes she did.  Moving on.

 

Then the two girls from the bookstore in the city arrive and confront Dan because they found out that he’s a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn and they have colorful drinks.  At a white party.  I wonder what’s going to happen now.  Uh-oh.  They each pour a drink on Dan—one red and one blue.  Then he turns to Serena and asks if he has a simple explanation.  Ha!  She’s got you there, buddy.  She takes him inside and tries to get the stains out of her grandfather’s suit by rubbing at them.  That makes total sense because as a rich girl, she wouldn’t know to pat rather than rub.  She and Poor Dan decide to leave together but first she needs to say goodbye to people.  JudgyGranny walks by and nods her approval.

 

Boring Nate and married lady make out in the corner of a room because she’s jealous that he was kissing Slutty Serena.

Then ChuckSlime wants Blair to be his and Blair will have none of it.  She asks him why she should be with him and warns him that “because you’re Chuck Bass isn’t an answer.”  That’s the best line ever.  Chuck has nothing convincing to say so Blair returns to new boy toy.  Oh!  I forgot.  At some point, new boy toy told Blair that he knew she was using him to make ChuckSlime jealous and he thought she didn’t even like him.  To which Blair replied that new boy toy is indeed boring.  Fast forward to them making up at the white party.  He admits that he’s been lying.  He liked that she called him boring because she was being real.  He doesn’t go to Princeton or Georgetown. Then he starts talking with a British accent, tells her he’s a Lord, and then wants her to date him because he figured out she’s the real deal.  She calls him “m’Lord” and then wants to date him now even though he’s still boring and now has lied to her.  That right there is true love.

Also true love?  PoorDan tells Serena he’ll wait for her on the beach.  Which beach?  Where?  The Hamptons is huge and located on an island.  It’s all beach.  Still, SluttySerena uses her PovertyDetector to find Dan who is waiting for her fireside.  We began the episode with her wearing something insane on the beach–satin–and now we end it in the same way–party dress and silver strappy headwrap.

 

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 18: Much ‘I Do’ About Nothing

Wedding Bells And A Huge Set Of Balls

Highlights: Captain and Coke is back; ChuckSlime ponders feelings (nothing more than feelings); JudgyLily breaks tradition and Nate breaks the Captain’s face; LowlyDan is drunk with power; Serena piles on the makeup; Blair takes it to Chuck’s shins

Slutty Non-Murderous Serena takes herself for a walk, stalk-calling Lowly Dan.  She decides to take it one step further.  She hails a cab and heads for the poor house.

 

Bow chick bow wow!  I love it when rich people go slummin. JudgyLily wakes up in Rockin’ Rufus’s arms.  He gets a phone call—THE call—for Lincoln Hawk to go on the road.  JudgyLily reminds him that it’s her wedding day and congratulates him.  She thanks him for last night and he says it was amazing.  Then her phone rings and it’s Bart and she says into the phone that she’s not supposed to see him the day of.  I’m pretty sure she’s also not supposed to sleep with anyone else the night before, but I guess we pick and choose the traditions we keep.

 

On the richer side of town, Blair awakens to find herself resting next to one ChuckSlime.  Is it wrong that I’m still diggin everything about him and I’m now insanely jealous of her?  Still, I think they make a good couple and would love to see them together, destroying the lives of all around them.  She tells him he’s not athletic and makes fun of his scarf.  She reminds him that they came up with a good idea about taking down Georgina.  He says he has to go write his best man speech.  She pushes him towards the door and he says, They say when you love something, set it free.  She says, when you don’t, you slam the door in its face.  He loves it when she talks dirty.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  I love them!

 

Captain Kangaroo is out of rehab and back to running with Boring Nate.  They’re happy that things work out and will celebrate at the wedding.  Boring Mom won’t make it though because she’s out in the Hamptons and has to deal with shrubbery.  Boring Nate was hoping they could both meet Long Lost Vanessa.  Capt.’s cell rings and he has to take the call in private.  He has a non-cryptic conversation about slipping out of the wedding unnoticed.

 

Slutty Serena arrives at Lowly Dan’s place to find GeorginaSarah coming out of Dan’s bedroom.  Serena stares at Dan.  Dan stares at Serena.  Georgina stares at both of them.  It’s a literal love triangle.  Georgina apologizes because she thought it was over.  Dan tells Serena it’s not Sarah’s fault and Serena says it’s Georgina’s fault. Perhaps Dan should remember the name of the girl that emerges from his room.  Georgina says she didn’t mean to get between them, which is exactly the opposite of what she meant to do. 

 

But really, how can Serena be mad right now?  She’s been acting weird and lying to Dan for weeks and she didn’t tell Dan who Georgina really was which is so incredibly stupid and unbelievable.  Stupid dumb idiotic.  She has no right to be yelling.  Dan says that it’s okay and wants Georgina to stay.  Serena tries to attack Georgina, calling her a manipulative psycho bitch.  Wow, while that may be true, Serena’s turning out to be the wackadoodle in this situation.  She tells Dan that Georgina’s lying. 

 

Georgina leaves and Serena says she’s telling Dan everything.  She tells him everything with her boobs hanging out of her dress.  He says it’s a lot to handle and wishes she told him sooner.  She knows it’s her fault and he understands that murder and blackmail are difficult subjects.  Serena wants to fix this and suggests to Dan that all he did with Georgina was fall asleep.  As she leaves, she says that when she told her mom not to go away with Rufus it was because she and Dan were forever.  Dan calls Blair when Serena leaves.

 

JudgyLily arrives in an empty apartment to find FatherSlime.  Why is it that whenever Bart Bass talks, he sounds like he’s doing a very serious voiceover for Feed The Children?  He explains that this is the first building he bought and he likes to come here to think about how rich he is.  She finds comfort in revisiting things that she loved when she was young (aka RockinRufus).  He asks her what he should do.  She wants him to let it go (aka she needs to let Rufus go).  He asks her to do the same for him.  Because he soooo knows that she totally slept with Rockin Rufus last night.

 

Lowly Dan is at Blair’s calling Georgina.  He leaves a voicemail that says he wants to see her because he and Slutty Serena got into a fight.  Blair tells Dan she’ll talk him through the dirty work.  Georgina calls right back and says she’ll meet him at their spot in the park by the pond.  Blair applauds Dan’s knack for lying.

 

In the park, Georgina says that last night was fun.  Dan says that when he does things like that, it means a lot.  She’s sure Slutty Serena told Poor Dan lots of things but she feels a lot for him and he doesn’t know how to explain last night.  She asks if he can go back to Serena and leave her all alone.  Blair pops out of nowhere and says that she’s not alone at all.  She present to them Georgina’s parents!  And either a second father or a body guard.  Blair explains that her parents said Georgina was supposed to be on the equestrian circuit but sold her pony for cocaine and then she went to rehab, broke out, and went to Ibiza.  Blair gives her a brochure for a boot camp for troubled teens.  Georgina’s parents are thankful that Blair did the research.  Blair claims to be the only crazy bitch on the UES.  You bet you are, Blair!

 

Over in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Rockin Rufus and Lowly Dan discuss Rufus’s call to fame and fortune as well as how he didn’t come home the night before. Dan rubs salt in Rufus’s wounded heart by reminding him that he’s going to the wedding.  Rufus thanks Dan for going to the wedding instead of lodging protest.

 

Long Lost Vanessa emerges from KleptoJenny’s room wearing a bright orange frock.  Awww, Pretty In Pink goes tangerine dream!  I suppose this means Vanessa is going to the wedding with Boring Nate.

 

At the wedding, Blair approaches ChuckSlime to tell him that her work with Georgina is done, and she got Dan to get his clean hands dirty.  Wouldn’t Dan’s hands be dirty already from all the poverty?  She informs ChuckSlime that since Georgina was their only connection, she and he are no longer on speaking terms. ChuckSlime refers to Georgina and Whore-gina and I pee my pants.  These two would make the supreme power couple.  Blair kicks him in the shins with a bright pink pump.  Go Blair.  It’s your birthday!  Get busy!

 

O Captain My Captain arrives with Boring Nate and Capt. says hi to ChuckSlime and then Nate and Chuck have another awkward grunt of a greeting.  Apparently, coming together to save Slutty Murderous Serena didn’t bring their friendship back around.  Capt. comments that he missed a lot when he was learning to not snort coke in the poor rehab in Brooklyn and reminds them that no girl is worth destroying a friendship they’ve had for so many years.  ChuckSlime couldn’t agree more and Nate says that’s the problem.  Ooooh, no he didn’t!

 

Blair finds Serena and asks how things are going in the forgiveness department.  Slutty Serena says she’s working on it.  Blair says that Dan’s the one who has to forgive Serena, and not the other way around.  Hahaha.  This is why I love Blair.  Serena’s makeup is insane.  Stop it with the eyeliner and blackest mascara.  And let me ask it here: what’s up with the high neck flower halters?  Blair’s dress would be much prettier if it were a simply pink flowery pattern without a big poof of a flower on her chest.  Serena’s dress would be much prettier if it was a simple green and yellow dress without a noose adorned with green flowers. 

 

Outside, Captain Ahab finds the guy he was talking to on the phone.  He forks over some cash to the stranger and receives and envelope.  ChuckSlime looks on and asks some servant dude to keep an eye on the Captain.

 

RockinRufus comes in quietly to JudgyLily’s dressing room to ask JudgyLily if she wants him to call off the wedding.  She says that it’s been too long and they haven’t found a way to make it work with each other.  He just got divorced and doesn’t want to be married right away but she does.  Then she says, It’s not about FatherSlime’s money, which means it’s ALL about the money, especially since she follows it up with, you can never have too much money.  She likes the way he treats her and she loves him, kinda.  Rufus begrudgingly does not protest much more.

 

Suicidal Gay Eric wonders aloud where his mom is as he waits with ChuckSlime and FatherSlime at the altar.  Hooray, Eric has a line this episode.

 

Lowly Dan and Long Lost Tangerine Vanessa arrive at the wedding.  Why didn’t Nate pick her up?  Serena arrives and Vanessa goes to find her seat.  Dan tells Serena that he didn’t sleep with Georgina but he may as well have.  She has to go.

 

Back in the dressing room, Rufus says he loves Lily.  She loves him too.  He tells her not to trip.  Is he going to walk her down the aisle and give her away?  That would be awesome.

 

Finally, Serena walks down the aisle to start the ceremony.  Lily walks down the aisle alone (booooo—it would have been much better with Rufus).  ChuckSlime, in a very real moment, grabs his dad’s arm and squeezes.  Eric looks like he’s going to keel over or puke or both.  Gossip Girl says that we are gathered here today to witness this man and this woman totally F things up, and she’s talking about Dan and Serena, I think.

 

Reception time already!  LowlyDan and Slutty Serena awkwardly make conversation and she leaves for air. 

 

Some guy comes over to whisper sweet nothings into ChuckSlime’s ear.  He thanks the guy and walks over to Boring Nate.  Boring Nate doesn’t want to talk to Chuck so Chuck lightly places his hand on Nate’s manly shoulder.  Firm but sweet.  Awww.  I feel the love. Do you?  Nate abruptly stands up and Chuck tells him about Capt. doing a deal before the ceremony. Nate doesn’t want to believe it.  Chuck apologizes for being in love with Blair and insists that Nate go outside to see Capt.

 

Boring Nate goes outside and finds his boring dad driving away in a limo.  He asks what’s going on and Capt. says he left him a note saying he’s sorry.  Nate explains that if he relapsed, they can get him help and it’s okay.  That’s actually very genuine too because, so often, kids who have parents who are addicts become the parent in the situation.  However, that’s not the case. Captain has decided to skip town and country so he doesn’t spend the next 25 years in jail because he doesn’t have lawyers good enough to get him house arrest or a simple fine like other rich people have.  He didn’t tell Nate because he didn’t want his son to be an accessory.  Nate asks what about his mom, and Capt. says that his mom got him a private jet.  Capt. asks Nate to be the man of the family.  Nate says it’s been that way for a while.  So Nate finally pays the Capt. back.  He rears back and punches him right in the nose.  And the Capt. goes down! 

 

Nate and Chuck share a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes.

 

Blair sits down next to Vanessa to annoy her.  Vanessa points out that she’s with Nate and Blair’s at the singles’ table.  Blair feels sorry for Vanessa because it’s the second time she’s falling for someone in love with Serena. 

 

Outside, Nate thanks Chuck.  Chuck says it’s bigger than the other stuff.  They apologize to each other for everything and shake hands.  Shake hands?  Really?  Then again, they’re smarter than Suicidal Eric and the Dog Walker. They’ll save the fiddling with each other’s ties for later when they have some private time.  Nate asks, So you said you loved her?  ChuckSlime smirks.  Nate is clearly jealous and won’t go back in.  Vanessa pops up and makes Chuck go inside so she can hear from Nate his long story of how he and Chuck broke up.

 

Poor Dan finds Slutty Serena sitting by herself in the ivy covered chairs where the ceremony was.  She says she can forgive him for hooking up with Georgina.  He says he can’t forgive her and wants to break up with her.  She lied too much and it was too easy.  She cries that it wasn’t easy at all.  He says that she let him be with a girl who had a fake name.  She says she couldn’t say anything.  He says, because you were hoping I wouldn’t find out you killed someone.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Who SAYS that?  He reminds her that she slept with two guys and she corrects him that she didn’t sleep with them.  That was part of the spool of lies she made because she thought sleeping with two guys at once was more forgivable than giving some guy a line of coke that he died from.  She wants to know if they’ll go away for the summer and then see each other the first day of school in September.  He says, I guess, yeah.  Heeheeeee.  That’s awful and brilliant!

 

Now it’s time for the best man speech.  ChuckSlime reads from some index cards about going after what one wants even when what one wants doesn’t want one back.  Then Chuck catches Blair’s eye.  He throws down his cards and talks about not giving up the chase when you’re chasing true love.  He discusses forgiveness and becoming someone worthy of a second chance.  HE hopes he’s lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for him.  Meaning Blair. 

 

JudgyLily and Father Bart Slime dance.  Blair tells Chuck he gave a good speech and he says he was inspired by the moment and knows he did some horrible things.  She says, Like telling Gossip Girl about our sex life?  He tells her that she doesn’t belong with Nate and never has.  Then they kiss!  Power Couple of Evil united at last!  Blair tells Chuck, Chuck Bass is a romantic, who knew?  He says, you do and that’s all that matters.  Meaning he doesn’t want word to get out.  Lowly Dan asks Serena if she’s seen Vanessa who’s lost again and some guy pushes the two of them onto the dance floor.  Slutty Serena says he can let go when the pushy guy leaves but Dan doesn’t want to let go.  He likes to send mixed messages now that he’s got hand in their relationship.  Finally.

 

One week later, Rockin Rufus is on his tour bus.  KleptoJenny calls him with an update about her mom and Dan.  She got an internship through Parson’s with Waldorf Designs.  Hahaha.  That’s Blair’s mom.  Jenny ain’t so excited any more.

 

Blair is home packing because ChuckSlime invited her to go abroad in his dad’s plane.  Serena can’t believe that the two of them are going away.  Blair has to sit in the jump seat to Teeterboro and will meet Chuck there.  Serena’s looking forward to staying out of trouble and it’s best that she hasn’t spoken to Dan since the wedding.

 

ChuckSlime waits around for his dad to come home before skipping town with Blair.  He passes the time by chatting it up with Nate who is very gay right now.  Nate says taking Blair to Europe is a big step.  Nate’s dressed like a sailor.  Chuck asks if Nate will sweat out the summer in Brooklyn.  Nate says no and Chuck wonders what happened between him and Punky Brewster. HAHAHHAHAAAAA.

 

Over in Brooklyn, Dan asks Punky the same question—what happened between her and Man Bangs.  OMIGOD. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!! Man bangs.  HAHAHHAHAAAAA.  Vanessa admits that Nate is prettier than her but things didn’t work out because Nate is boring and gay.  Dan doesn’t want her to ask about Serena.  He promises Vanessa a summer of Dan Humphrey.  God help us all.

 

When Nate hangs up with Chuck, he runs into Serena.  She asks him when he’s ever been happy because it’s almost summer and she’s frisky.  She’s going to the Hamptons to reflect alone.  Nate is going to take a break too.  She says that if he wants to reflect alone together, she’ll be around.  Umm, didn’t she say she’d be in the Hamptons.  He asks what she’s doing right now.

 

Blair arrives at the heliport and asks some guy in a suit if that’s the Bass Helicopter.  The guy in the pink tie asks if ChuckSlime is terrifying.  He likes the jump seat because he feels in control by watching the pilot.  Blair gets that.

 

ChuckSlime gets a text from Blair that says she can’t wait to see him.  FatherSlime says that he’s proud of Chuck and that having a girlfriend will change Chuck’s life.  Chuck says the great thing about Blair is that she knows he’ll never change.  FatherSlime goes on about how Chuck will learn responsibility, sacrifice, faithfulness, and taking into consideration other people’s feelings.  Chuck mumbles, Feelings??? FatherSlime effectively makes Chuck do the opposite of what his dad is praising him for. 

 

JudgyLily comes in and introduces the interior designer Amelia to them.  As they all go off, ChuckSlime smashes the vase of roses he’d bought for Blair, grabs a single rose from the garbage, and tells Amelia to hang on.  He wants to discuss plans for his room with her.  She asks who he is.  He answers: I’m Chuck Bass. 

 

Oh, hell the fuck yeah you are!  Mmm, mmm, mmm.  First off, I’d like to admit that I am completely lecherous.  Secondly, I was going to go on a rant about how anyone could want to be with Chuck after he tried to rape Klepto Jenny AND Slutty Serena.  How. Ev. Er.  I know exactly how.  He’s Chuck Bass. That’s all there is to it.  Even with his stupid houndstooth and plaid and argyle and knitted vests and orange jumpsuit pants and his dumb scarf, he’s Chuck Bass.  Now if Father Slime hadn’t given him that speech and he went away with Blair unaware that he would become a new man, would he still be Chuck Bass upon his return to the UES?  I mean, if he no longer sleeps around and plays mind games, will he have to call himself Charles or Charlie?  No matter—he’s still Chuck Slime Bass. 

 

Blair gets a text from ChuckSlime saying that he won’t make the flight but will book something commercial. The guy wants to flip Blair for the jump seat.  Blair says ten hours makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Rufus sits on his bus writing.  Jenny continues to make ugly dresses.  Vanessa and Dan annoy people on the sidewalks of Brooklyn while Nate and Serena are so so pretty on the streets of the Hamptons.  The helicopter takes off and XOXO, it’s summer time.  See you in the Fall back on the Upper East Side.

 

I’m totally going to be suffering from withdrawal over the summer. That’s when the best gossip takes place!

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 16: All About My Brother

A Gay Epidemic On The Upper East Side

Highlights: Eric’s gay–that happens halfway through the episode but really, who didn’t know that already?  He’s as gay as Nate.  Anyway, back to the highlights: Georgina’s still Sarah, KleptoJenny breaks up with her dad and clings on to her gay boyfriend, Dan gets jealous when he thinks someone else took Jenny’s virginity before he had the chance, Lily judges her son

Everyone loves a cliffhanger.  The rich kids left us with lots of unanswered questions:  Who’s coming out of the closet?  (Obviously, Eric, as if he needs to come out).  What exactly did SluttySerena do that SluttyGeorgina knows about that’s gonna be all over the internet?  It can’t be that bad—we already know she slept with her best friend’s boyfriend and she was caught buying a pregnancy test which wasn’t for herself.  Why is ChuckSlime being so, you know, human?  Will Rufus eat the free hot dogs of KleptoJenny’s new beau? (again, obviously yes because he’s poor).  Why does SluttyGeorgina call herself Sarah and will LowlyDan figure out she’s really Georgina and where the heck did that dog come from?  Let’s find out!

 

Wow, all the bright spring colors are back in the form of coats and tights and shoes.  Blair and KleptoJenny still have their claws out in a power struggle.  Blair doesn’t get invited to a party that KleptoJenny does. Jenny says the party planner is calling her. 

 

Rockin Rufus is on the other end instead, asking KleptoJenny if she can have a dinner date with him because he’s lonely.  She totally blows him off and tells the girls that the lacrosse team is coming to the party.  Then the Rich Dog Walker shows up and they cuddle.

 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena and Suicidal Eric talk about the rumors on Gossip Girl that Eric reads on his phone.  Eric reads Gossip Girl, just like all the other gay boys and boys who hit on their sisters (ahem, Dan.)

 

Now Sarah/Georgina is makin friends with Long Lost Vanessa.  Apparently, she and Dan have taken Sarah/Georgina in because she’s new to the city and the subway.  SarahG tells Dan that Jenny’s obsession with the Dog Walker is perfectly natural and casually asks him about his girlfriend, what was her name again, oh that’s right Serena.  He says they’re okay and she says she wants to meet her.  LowlyDan gives one of his rambling moronic answers before saying that they can all meet up tonight.

 

Back at school, Suicidal Eric asks KleptoJenny where she’s been because she doesn’t return his calls.  She says that her new boyfriend keeps her busy along with her newfound glory as career criminal.  He asks her how long she’s known the Dog Walker and she thinks it’s sweet that he’s being protective.  First, Eric says he’s not being protective, but then he says he is.  Okay, so this is where the situation must be headed: Eric is gay and Dog Walker is/was/wants to be Eric’s gay lover because they bonded at the Ostroff Center when they both failed to commit suicide because they both felt so alone in the world being the only two gay guys on the planet, or in the UES, as if it makes a difference.  Jenny asks Eric if he has a crush on her and she says she’s flattered but her heart wants the Dog Walker.  Oh, little J, you have no clue.

 

Lowly Dan runs after Slutty Serena who complains about studying for the S. A. T.’s.  She refuses to use the score ChuckSlime bought for her.  He asks Serena if she can have dinner with SarahG tonight but Serena already agreed to have family dinner.  LowlyDan complains about KleptoJenny’s new boyfriend because Dan wants to have his sister all to himself and Serena tells Dan to give the Dog Walker a chance.   SarahG gets a text that plans for dinner have fallen through.

 

Then LowlyDan emerges from the building and then stops short and backs up.  Gay kissing on the street!  Gay kissing on the street!  This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s in the middle of the day and two guys from the prep school are fondling each other’s ties and then one looks around to see if anyone is looking IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and then hunches over and kisses whoever the other guy is.  Then he looks around again ON THE BUSY STREET, feels as if he’s in the clear, and walks away all stealthily.  Dan comes back out and the other guy has vanished.  However, I think Dan saw who it was and we’re just being strung along to think of who it could be (Eric/Dog Walker/NATE). 

 

JudgyLily is busy planning a wedding and tells the planner seat Eliot Spitzer as far from Serena’s table as possible.  I wonder if that’s to keep the leacherous Spitzer away from Serena or to keep Slutty Serena away from Spitzer.  Hey, maybe THAT’S what’s on the video Georgina has of Serena.  Rockin Rufus shows up looking slightly disheveled.  Lily asks, What are you doing here?  Really, she does.  As in, What are you doing here?  How did you afford to get to this side of town?  Do they let people like you into the UES?  Really?  Rufus says he was looking for her, and she tries to blow him off because she’s busy planning her wedding.  He stops her, asking for a mother’s advice since Allison is a big bitch ho-bag away on an artist retreat.

 

Meanwhile, LowlyDan finds DogWalker to say, hey man you’re gay.  Dog Walker denies it and asks, Are you calling me queer?  Dan answers, Yes.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!!  Dog Walker says that he’s so queer that he’s gonna pop Dan’s sister’s cherry tonight. Nice goin, Dan.  You saved your sister from rapy ChuckSlime at the beginning of the season only to cause her to be raped by some rich Dog Walker anyway.  They scuffle and Klepto runs out to break it up.  Dan wants to talk to Jenny alone (meaning make out with her) and she says he can say anything in front of her boyfriend.  So Dan’s like, Oh really well then…but Dog Walker jumps in and invites Jenny to his country house.  Jenny wants Dan to want her to be happy.  Dan wants to get in his sister’s pants.  Jenny calls her boyfriend a legacy and even Dan should know that jealousy clashes with L. L. Bean pants.

 

Blair wants to have girls night out with Serena but she has dinner with the family.  Dan arrives on the steps to tell them he’s worried about Jenny because of who she’s with AND she dissed his pants.  Blair agrees with Jenny on the pants and says girls like her care only about the four G’s: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl.  What about giggling?  Goggles?  Gum drops?  Georgina—ooh, that’s a tricky one because it starts with a G but sounds like a J.  Anyway, they tell him not to worry.  He says nothing of the gay kissing to change their minds.  With all the rambling he does, he stops at a weird time.

 

RockinRufus is bemoaning the trials of his little girl growing up to JudgyLily.  He read Jenny’s email.  JudgyLily said that she needed Botox because of Serena’s indiscretions which were X-Rated.  She tells Rufus that Jenny will come back to him.  Rufus puts a bracelet on Lily.  It’s the closest he’ll get to real jewels ever.

 

Over at the rich school, the girls read up on Jenny’s homosexual boyfriend.  They’re all happy that Gossip Girl got her balls back.  Jenny accuses Blair of the false story and Blair says she wishes it were her but she didn’t do it.


SluttySerena gets a call from the concierge desk about a package for her from Georgina.  Serena gets that look on her face that says she just shit her pants.  She totally blows Dan off in time for Blair to call him dirty.  She asks him how he came up with telling Gossip Girl that Jenny’s boyfriend is gay.  She says that if he can prove that Dog Walker is gay, then Blair can prove that Gossip Girl is reliable, and then Jenny will break up with him and everyone will be happy.  He doesn’t want to hurt his sister. Um, then why did he contact GG in the first place?  Telling the whole world that her boyfriend is gay isn’t hurting her?  And how gay is it that Dan told GG?  Seriously.  He tells Blair he wants no part of it even if Dog Walker is using Jenny as a cover.

 

Now Rufus is helping Lily buy her wedding dress.  That’s not exactly right.  She takes his breath away.  They both ache so much.  Ah, the world is so cruel! A love like theirs could never work!  Alas alas alas.  Moving on.

 

Back at school, the chickadees are still roaming the halls because no one ever goes to class.  I hope their S. A. T.’s last week were about how to text your friends because they don’t learn anything.  SluttySerena runs into KleptoJenny and says she’s in a rush.  Penelope says that Serena is totally rushing to get into Dan’s pants.  Jenny can’t believe she said that about her brother and the chickadees ask Jenny how far she’s gone with the Gay Dog Walker.  Then she says something no 14/15-year-old should ever say.  The girls suggest he’s gay and she asks, Is that why we went to third?  They ask, You went to third?  She says, No, he did.  Then they say, way to go—make him work for it.  Ewwww.  That’s a discussion I didn’t have until I was, like 25. 

 

The less popular chickadees Isabel and the new chick Nelly Yuki are over at Blair’s place, planning to take Gay Dog Walker down.  They forward a mass email to people to destroy his rep. 

 

Jenny arrives at Dog Walker’s place and he’s surprised to see her.  She immediately starts to make out with him hard core and he stops her saying that that’s not what they do.  He asks if she’s unhappy.  He calls her “Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn” and that means she’s poor and he’s her boyfriend to give her access to all the things she can’t get.  She asks what she does for him and he doesn’t want to talk about it because he really is gay and she’s the only person in the world who doesn’t think it’s true.  He asks if she really thinks someone like him would date someone like her if he didn’t need to seem straight.  He says that their relationship works because she’s throwing a big party with him on the UES and no one can take that away from them.  Then he wants to put the rumors to rest even though they’re true. 

 

Serena gets home and finds a video file from Georgina.  She loads it onto her computer and sees Georgina telling some guy named Shepherd that Serena will go down on anyone.  Then Serena on the video says she’s too hot and proceeds to go down on the guy.  At least that’s what the audio says.  She tries to run out but Lily stops her, saying that Serena needs to stay for dinner if Serena invited an old friend.  Up pops Georgina.  Okay, now this is getting so good. I can’t wait for Eric to come out of the closet at dinner.  Then this episode will be perfect.

 

In the poor part of town, Jenny holds up various stolen dresses in front of her in the mirror when LowlyDan storms in holding up his phone that shows Gossip Girl’s latest—KleptoJenny swiped her V-card at Dog Walker’s register.  Dan wants to know if it’s true—did Jenny use a Visa Card?  Oh, wait, ohhhhhh!  I get it.  Virginity.  Gotcha. She tells Dan it’s private and asks since when Dan started reading Gossip Girl.  Since he’s been gay, obviously.  He asks if she wants her friends thinking she slept with Dog Walker even if it’s not true as she says it’s not.  He asks if he believes everything on Gossip Girl and he says that he didn’t read it; he saw it and tried to tell her.  She says she knew the whole time and let him use her.  She tells Dan not to judge people because the minute he sent tips to GG, he became one of them.  Oh, my God, how much do I love Jenny, kleptomania and all.

 

Serena tries to get in touch with Blair but Blair’s too busy.  Ha ha.  That’s what happens when you don’t make time for your friends, Serena; they don’t make time for you either.  Why doesn’t she just get Superman ChuckSlime to bail her out once again. 

 

At the dinner table, Georgina tries to get Eric to out himself but Lily interupts, asking Georgina why she’s back in NYC.  Georgina tells Lily that she has a nice ring and thinks there’s love in the New York air: Lily’s engaged, Serena found a great guy, Eric found himself a new boyfriend.  OMG!  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! She really DOES out  him.  Eric’s all, Excuse me?  Lily thinks she heard it wrong.  Georgina says that she thought everyone knew since Eric was blatantly mackin it with the Dog Walker that morning.  Ohh, that guy who was looking around and walking away all stealthily WAS the Dog Walker.  Proves how much I pay attention to what these people actually look like.  So as I said before, Suicidal Eric and The Dog Walker—both GAY.  Georgina apologizes because she thought Eric was dating a boy.  Lily says it doesn’t make sense because if Eric dates a boy, then Eric is gay, and he’s just not.    Then she asks, Are you?  He throws down his fork and runs away, no doubt plotting his next suicide attempt.  Serena offers a lame, Eric!, and then admonishes Lily for driving him to his second suicide attempt in the past year. 

 

In Brooklyn, KleptoJenny tries to leave for the big party and tells Rufus she’s going to choir practice.  Rufus, being the keen Mr. Mom  he is, says that unless her choir is entertaining for the Dog Walker’s party, she has lots of explaining to do.  She asks how he knew and he opens his shirt.  What the?  Oh.  He pulls open HER bag with the dress in it and says that he should have asked his permission.  She insists that she’s throwing the party.  He threatens that if she walks out that door….but he can’t do anything really.  She says she’s not a little girl and he can’t make her do anything.  But THEN he says, You’ve already lost my trust; do you want to lose my respect too?  And now I love love LOVE Rufus.  What a way to guilt your child!  First poverty and now ruin her social life.  Nice.

 

Serena finds Eric in his room. Eric is texting ChuckSlime.  She wants Eric to talk to her instead.  He says that he wanted to tell her but was waiting for the right time.  She apologizes that Serena abandoned him.  He says he’s fine and no longer suicidal.  He explains that he met this guy at Ostroff and now the guy is Jenny’s boyfriend.  How good am I that I totally called that?  Serena hugs him and says she loves him no matter who his boyfriend is or what method he uses to fail at suicide.  Eric wants to go to Dog Walker’s party.

 

The party is hoppin at Dog Walker’s gay pad.  Everyone who’s anyone is there.  Blair arrives in partial slo-mo and the chickadees can’t believe she’s crashing.  She says the most important parties to attend are the ones you’re not invited to.  Then she wants to give something to the host.  Now would the host be Dog Walker or Jenny because I’m still confused on that point. 

 

Serena finds Dan and Dan introduces her to SarahG.  SarahG says it’s nice to meet her.  Serena wants to talk to Dan in private.  Long Lost Vanessa comes over to show them a short film and Georgina wants to show them a movie of her own.  Why doesn’t Serena just point out that Sarah is really Georgina and Dan shouldn’t talk to her?  This is really stupid.  Dan leaves for a minute and Serena tells Georgina not to show them the film of Serena Goes Down.  By the time Dan and Vanessa get back, Serena decides to go along with calling Georgina Sarah and Sarah agrees not to show the movie.

 

Back at the party, KleptoJenny says DogWalker made her feel safe when they slept together and then freaks out when she hears that Blair is there.  Blair goes up to Dog Walker and says that she has all the hard evidence she needs to prove he’s gay but she’s giving him a chance first because his lover is her good friend.  Then Eric shows up, having failed yet again to off  himself.  Then Eric gets his gay drama on.  He tells everyone that Dog Walker was kissing him this morning but Dog Walker says that he was with Jenny all morning.  Jenny says that Eric’s lying and Eric asks why he would tell everyone he’s gay.  Dog Walker wants them to get the faggot out when Eric outs the both of them.  Eric leaves and Blair texts something to someone but won’t say what or who.

 

JudgyLily calls up Rufus and asks what kind of mother she is to have not known that Eric is gay.  Rufus is waiting for Jenny to come home so he can ground her.  Lily calls the two of them a good team.  He says she’s going to be a beautiful bride.

 

The chickadees are leaving the party because the gay bomb dropped.  They ask Jenny if she slept with Dog Walker and she says she exaggerated. They say that lying about sleeping with a gay guy is an offense no one can make up for.  They all turn to Blair who is going home now but tells them to meet her the next day for dinner. They all leave Jenny at the gay party.

 

When Suicidal Eric comes home, Lily tells him that she made tea and her reaction wasn’t okay.  She wasn’t ready to hear it. Eric says he wasn’t ready to tell her.  She thanks him for his honesty and she says she’s scared that life is tough and she wants the best for him but money and gayness don’t go together.  He says he’s happy if he’s honest.  Then he makes fun of her because she can’t hold a marriage together and they hug.

 

All of Blair’s info shows up on Gossip Girl.  Jenny goes to Blair’s.  Jenny tells Blair that Blair won and Jenny’s done with all the chickadees.  She lied and stole and it wasn’t worth any of it, especially because she lost her daddy’s respect.  Blair says that she tried to warn Jenny there would be a price to pay that Poverty Stricken Jenny could not afford.  She commends Jenny for putting up a good fight but not to expect a hug.  Jenny expects nothing because she can’t even afford hope. 

 

This is so strange.  Dan really, really wants Serena to like Sarah.  Why is Dan befriending girls anyway when he has a girlfriend?  That may happen when you’re an adult, but if it happens in high school, the girlfriend goes ballistic and gives an ultimatum.  This is so dumb.  Anyway, Serena says she likes Sarah.  Why Serena’s going along with this whole thing, I don’t know.  LowlyDan knew she was a slut when he started going out with her.  What’s the big deal?  Dan doesn’t understand why Serena’s jealous.  Serena says she loves him but he can’t trust Sarah.  He says that she’s been lying and now she’s giving advice about trust.  He suggests that Serena catch a cab but she wants to talk.

 

Insetad, Dan and Vanessa walk away and Georgina tells Serena that she wants to go back to being good friends with Serena.  Serena asks why she would want to be friends with someone who outs her brother at the dinner table.  Georgina says it was an honest mistake. Serena doesn’t believe her but I kinda do.  I mean, Eric is clearly gay.  Georgina says maybe she did it on purpose because she can, because she knows things about Serena before Serena does.  She tells Serena to get home safe and runs to catch up with Vanessa and Dan who must be really slow walkers. 

 

In poor Brooklyn, Lowly Dan and Rockin Rufus play Scrabble when KleptoJenny comes home.  Rufus and Jenny can barely look at each other.  She asks if she can play and he says there’s always room for her here.  Oh, man. That’s so cheesy.  No noo noooo.  She’s crying and apologizing and he holds her and now neither of them is interesting anymore.

 

Serena arrives at Blair’s in tears but won’t tell Blair what’s wrong.  Blair says she’s not anyone, she’s me.  Serena says if she tells her, then Blair will be a part of it and Blair can’t be part of it.  Blair says that they’re family and she loves Serena and she can tell her anything.  Blair says, what is it?    Serena says,

 

I killed someone.

 

WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?!??!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?

 

Seriously, my heart stopped a second.  I was NOT expecting THAT.  Kudos, Gossip Girl!  Slutty Murderous Serena.  That has a nice ring to it. 

 

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 14: The Blair Bitch Project

OMFG! What A Difference Spring Break Makes


Highlights: Poverty Stricken Jenny goes klepto,Suicidal Eric goes homo, LowlyDan gets incenstuous, ChuckSlime gets aconscience but Serena screws him over

It’s been sooooooo long. Scroll down to see where we last left the rich kids, the poor kids, and the who’s who of UES’s most private schools.

It’s a rainy day. Blair walks down a dark alley, calling out after a kitty.  Moon River plays.  BoringNate appears in a matching trench coat and calls, You don’t have a cat, Jenny; you don’t have anyone. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Ah, how I’ve missed you Gossip Girl.  You know it’s gonna be a good episode when BoringNate makes me laugh.  Blair can’t understand why he’s calling her Jenny and then?

Blair wakes up.  Her maid is telling her to get out of bed. She’s fallen asleep next to a box of Godiva.  Surprisingly, the box isn’t empty.  I guess she didn’t have a breakdown as bad as the pie-eating binge of last Thanksgiving during her Spring Break.  She tells the maid to cover her mirrors because she’s in mourning for her former life. 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena is adjusting to living in an actual home instead of in a hotel.  The home is the Bass Residence.  Which is also a hotel.  This is kind of like the Brady Bunch with less kids and more expensive stuff. Still, ChuckSlime can’t seem to get out of Serena’s way.  He’s smoking weed and she’s pissed that her bathroom smells of pot.  She says she doesn’t want him in there and he says if she doesn’t want his DNA near her,she’d better steer clear of the hand towels. Hahahhahaaa.  Funny.  Gross, but still, Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Not even ten minutes in and we’re two for two in the laughs department.

Poverty Stricken Jenny has fallen into the in-crowd which means she gets to have brunch before school with the chickadees and Random Girlwho now has a name but I haven’t quite picked up on it yet.  Who has that kind of time in the morning before school starts?  PovertyStricken Jenny owes Random Girl 120 bucks for the meal.  She also returns a bracelet to one of thec hickadees who says that she wouldn’t have even remembered to ask for it back.  Jenny makes a mental note.  They’re excited about Jenny’s birthday the next night at Socialista.  She doesn’t know what she’s going to wear because she’s poor.

Father Slime, Judgy Lily and Suicidal Eric sit down to eat breakfast together because, again, everybody has that kind of free time on a weekday morning.  ChuckSlime hits on his futurestep-mother.  Judgy Lily notes that Serena hasn’t showered and is all stinky dirty.  Serena has to skip breakfast in addition to skipping her shower to meet up with Blair to go to school with her and protect her from all thosenasty rumors that are true.  When Serena leaves, Father Slime asks ChuckSlime to be his best man and the Bass-Van DerWoodsen covenant toasts to themselves, proving that Serena will never truly bepart of the family.  Eric, however, has become ChuckSlime’s new project and has new hair and everything.  Pretty soon, I’m sure Eric will develop a man-crush of the gay kind on ChuckSlime. First Nate, now Eric. ChuckSlime, can you leave no heterosexual male unturned?  They make fun of Serena for being all dirty.  Then Chuck woos Eric by taking him to school in their limo.

In the poor part of the city, LowlyBoyDan and Rockin Rufus have some breakfast together.  Rufus says something about letting Jenny go to Aspen on a pre-paid trip with her new friends and brunch and blah blah blah. All it translates into is: Rufus let Jenny go to Aspen to somehow spite Allison, not because he loves his daughter and wants her to have a good time.  Then he tells Dan to go to school. Dan runs out because he can’t be late because he’s poor.

Blair begrudgingly heads to school in sunglasses and a headwrap, highly noticeable and definitely not incognito.  Serena swears that no one will remember those nasty rumors that are true about Blair.  After all,they’ve all been on Spring Break.  Three weeks makes a huge difference.  The Asian chickadee has moved away.  Eric dyed his hair.  Mention of Brody Jenner.  No one cares who boned Blair.  The new talk of the town is how Serena and Chuck now live under one roof. Serena’s always stealing the spotlight. She gets Blair to remove the scarf and sunglasses. However, Blair hangs onto the odd weight-lifting gloves she’s got on.

When they arrive at school, there are some whispers.  However, Jenny’s in-crowd is eating frozen yogurt up above.  Blair and Serena walkup the school steps.  Blair gets nailed in the hair with yogurt.  Everyone laughs and points and laughs some more. Blair clamps down on her head as if she’s bleeding out and Serena rushes her inside.  The girls up top cackle.

Boring Nate pulls Jenny aside to warn her about her new friends.  He says that they treat Blair that way and they used to be really tight. Jenny says she can take care of herself.  Nate tells her to be careful but also says she has good aim.  I fall into a coma because this is the most boring conversation ever.

ChuckSlime and Eric get to school and Blair calls Eric a mini-Chuck.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Is anyone going to go to class today?  Serena tells Blair that Serena was invited to Jenny’s birthday bash but said no because she’s friends with Blair.  Serena then tells Blair that if she’s nice, she’ll rise again in the social ranks. Blair tells Serena that her hair is dirty. Heheheeee.

Jenny is sitting on the steps with the chickadees and they all talk about how Hazel and/or Penelope and/or Random Girl has a crush on BoringNate.  They wonder if Jenny can make something happen.  The chickadees decide to go to Butter for dinner. Jenny has visions of zeros dance in her head.  She tells the girls to hang on and goes over to Blair to invite her to dinner.  Serena says that Blair would love to go.  Actually, Serena claps and says, “Yes, Butter!”

ChuckSlime interrupts LowlyDan and Slutty Serena’s make out session and Serena tells him to leave. That was a quick school day. Chuck’s there to inform them that the tasting for the wedding is happening.  And he’s wearing a bowtie.  Dan gets up to leave but Chuck said that he had the servants set a place for him.  So ChuckSlime is being less slimy.  Odd.  Awkward.  Dan doesn’t have the urge to deck ChuckSlime again for attempting to rape Jenny because a place setting pretty much evens out any rapy tendencies directed towards Dan’s younger sibling.

During the tasting, Serena tells Dan how to pronounce all the gourmet foods that Dan would never be able to afford because his taste buds are also poverty stricken.  Then a package arrives for Serena.  Judgy Lily tells her not to put her dirty package on the table and ChuckSlime says, “If Ihad a dime for every time I heard that.” OMG.  Too friggin funny!  She opens it—porn!  Lots of porn!  She yells at ChuckSlime for sending her porn and then runs out.  Dan is left with the box o’ porn and says he’ll take care of it.  Then he backpedals and says, no he doesn’t like porn.  Then he decides to throw it out and go after Serena who has been traumatized by the porn.

Later on, Blair appears at Butter.  No one else in her party has shown up. The host asks if she’ll be leaving.  Cut to shady Jenny at one ofthe rich chickadee’s houses.  RandomGirl says the only thing better than dining at Butter is NOT dining at Butter.  They eat and talk more about the dresses for Jenny’s birthday.  Jenny gets a call from Rockin Rufus who is upset because he hasn’t seen her in like forever and needs her to come home soon so he can blame all their family problems on her again for her birthday. Jenny says she’s going to celebrate with her friends and hangs up on him when she stumbles upon the rich girl’s mom’s closet.  Enter KleptoJenny and the Pawn Shop Project.

Instead of leaving Butter, Blair orders only one entree and no pie, and asks that someone separate the tables since she’ll be diningalone.  She calls information and asks for Brooklyn which she thinks is in New York. Hahahhahahahhaaaaaa!  Big ups to Brooklyn, Blair style.

KleptoJenny arrives at a pawn shop.  The lady asks if she wants her sewing  machine back.  KleptoJenny says she wants a dress that’s 1200 bucks and hands over the stolen red dress.

The next day, Eric, ChuckSlime, and FatherSlime are talking about the impending bachelor party. FatherSlime tells Eric to leave while he talks to ChuckSlime.  Father tells Chuck he needs to behave better and not to ruin things between him and Judgy Lily. Basically, he bribes him by saying he’ll invest more in ChuckSlime’s club if Chuck is civil until the wedding.  He’d thought that asking him to be the best man would be bribe enough, but now he’s upping the ante with cold hard investment.

Blair calls Serena to tell her she’s not going to school.  She says she didn’t go to Butter the night before and asks if Dan is going to school.  Serena says he’s going to be there soon. Blair is full of wrath and revenge, but still has not filled up on pie.  She takes a trip to the Poor Art Gallery and reintroduces herself to Rockin Rufus who doesn’t think twice about a young girl his son’s age not being in school on a school day.  He must realize that she’s rich and privileged and needs not follow the rules meant for the poor.

Out of nowhere, a deliver guy “luckily” finds Serena standing on the steps of her HIGH SCHOOL and hands over three cases of champagne.  I know that it’s his job to deliver, but alcohol to a high school student?  I think there might be laws against that. Serena blames ChuckSlime for sending the booze to her in public because now everyone is going to think she’s a drunkard in addition to being the world’s biggest slut.  He says it wasn’t him. It’s definitely not Chuck’s style.

Later on during break because no one actually goes to class when they go to school, KleptoJenny wants to show the girls the dress she just bought but does not say she got it at the pawn shop. One of the chickadees is telling the others about how her parents had to fire their maid for stealing.  What did she steal?  A one-of-a-kind custom-made designer gown.  Because a maid has lots of cocktail parties for which she needs a dress like that.  KleptoJenny is racked with guilt but says nothing.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair is telling Rufus that Jenny is overwhelmed with her new friends.  Blair wants to help make Jenny’s birthday fabulous.

KleptoJenny continues with the Pawn Shop Project to get the dress back and somehow get the maid’s job back without being caught.  She can’t get the dress, however, because the pawn shop had the dress re-evaluated by a dress expert and the dress is worth way more than Jenny’s worth. Klepto gets all frantic.  She does what any girl would do in this situation. She calls up the cutest most nicest boy she knows so she can borrow money.  She asks BoringNate for 8 grand.  Eight.  8,000. KleptoJenny decides it’s a good idea to steal back the dress since she can’t afford to buy it back. So while it seems like it’s the second time she’s stealing the dress,really it doesn’t count this time because it wasn’t hers to pawn in the first place. This is simply a continuance ofthe first theft.

Meanwhile at the hotel house, Serena bemoans her future sibling-relationship with ChuckSlime. She tells JudgyLily about the champagne delivery and how mortifying it was.  Judgy Lily blames Serena and doubts ChuckSlime is diabolical. FatherSlime overhears all this, knowing his son is indeed diabolical and maybe a little bit rapy, and is not a happy camper because this is exactly the kind of behavior he was telling Chuck not to conduct as part of the bribe.

KleptoJenny arrives home to the hoots and hollers of the rich chickadees, Blair, Rufus, and her own face on a cake.  Now I’m not a poverty stricken girl trying to fit into a rich man’s world, but even I find that painfully embarrassing.  KleptoJenny hugs her trench coat tightly around her and runs inside to change. Trench coat must be a theme this episode.  Anyway, she looks like a flasher because she holds it closed tightly at the top so no one sees what Pawn Shop Project clothing she has on today.  The chickadees wonder why Blair is there to begin with and concur that this indeed is the lamest birthday party ever.  The balloons and streamers are kinda pathetic.  KleptoJenny is obviously ashamed of her poor house. One of the chickadees thinks Rufus is hot.  Bow chicka bow wow!

Serena and Dan are on a date outside in the cold.  They’re always sitting in the cold.  Dan is talking about his grandma and a sponge bath.  Boring Nate shows up and talks like a robot.  He tells Dan about how Jenny wanted to borrow lots of money and now they’re both concerned.

KleptoJenny gets caught in the dress in two ways.  First, Rufus comes into the room after Jenny said she was going to go change so he’s obviously being pervy.  She can’t get the zipper undone.  So she’s caught in it. Then the girls come in and see her in the dress. Again, she’s been caught in it.  Get it? She tells them that this is the dress that she bought at a discount shop.  They point out that it’s themom’s one-of-a-kind dress.  KleptoJenny suggests that chickadee’s mom probably gave it away and forgot about it.  Rockin Rufus asks if they’re calling his daughter a thief. Blair tells them all that it’s a private matter so she’s going to Butter where she made reservations for an after-party.

All the girls leave and Rockin Rufus explains that Blair told him the original party fell through and that Blair wanted to help Jennyout.  KleptoJenny tells him he washad.  He asks how she got the dress and says that he knows she didn’t make it because her sewing machine is gone.  She whines about how she had to sell all her stuff and she asks if he thinks she’s ashamed of where she comes from.  He says he’s not apologizing for not buying her a private jet.  She says that she has no choice but to eat her lunch in the bathroom out of a brown paper bag.

Serena tells Boring Nate that he’s a very forgiving guy.  I have no idea why he’s still hanging out on the date with Serena. Eric arrives and says that he was at therapy and then was playing basketball.  Serena is upset that he’s hanging out with ChuckSlime and Eric explains that he’s always wanted a brother and ChuckSlime is the only person who doesn’t treat him like he’s going to kill himself.  Eric gives Serena a letter laced with drugs. She says that ChuckSlime is using Eric as a drug mule.

LowlyDan arrives home and asks Rufus who turned 12.  Hahhahahhaaaaaa.  He asks Rockin Rufus what happened and then decides to have a heart-to-heart with his sister.  He tells her that she’s so much better than those chickadees.  He grabs her shoulder and squeezes.  What the? That’s uncomfortable.  Then he tells her that she has so much to offer. Second shoulder squeeze.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Incest is best for the poverty stricken.  Hey, speaking ofpoverty—where the heck is Vanessa? She’s the poorest of the poor.  Anyway,Dan continues to hit on his sister. He invites her out for ice cream (which he will undoubtedly lace with Love Potion#9) to celebrate her birthday.

SluttySerena goes to yell at Chuck.  ChuckSlime tells Serena she’s gotten her wish.  He’s all packed up.  He needs to move back to his suite because his dad thinks he hasn’t been making nice with the Van Der Woodsens before the wedding.  He’s pissed off because he’s actually been being good which goes against everything he stands for.  ChuckSlime can never catch a break.  Poor rapist Chuck.

At Butter, the same host from the other day asks Blair if her party is going to show.  She insiststhat they’re coming.  Then who should  appear?  All the chickadees sans KleptoJenny.  Once again, all is right with the world.

Rockin Rufus tells LowlyDan that he doesn’t want KleptoJenny leaving the house ever again.  He says that Spring Break is over for everyone forever.  He suggests they celebrate Jenny’s birthday with the cake with her face on it.  LowlyDan goes to get Jenny and she’s snuck out of her room. Good call, Klepto.  After all,your brother was hitting on you.

KleptoJenny arrives at Boring Nate’s place and rejects a call from her dad on her cell. She doesn’t want to be alone on her birthday and apologizes to Nate about asking him for money.

Serena arrives for dinner and Eric won’t talk to her.  She recieves a letter.  Judgy Lily asks her what’s wrong and she says nothing but leaves.

At Butter, Blair can’t get the server’s attention so she goes to the bar to get a drink. KleptoJenny and Boring Nate show up at the table.  They sit. The chickadees decide that Jenny was right—the chickadee’s mom probably did give away that dress. Ah, the power of a pretty boy at a table of gaga girls.

Serena shows up at ChuckSlime’s door.  She apologizes for accusing him of all the pranks.  She hands him the letter she got and he reads a confession about all the stuff that Serena got. It’s from G.  He brings Serena inside to make her a drink.  And maybe to rape her.

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 13: A Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate

Hi Mom! I Love You, Okay

Highlights: Nate dumps Chuck!  Jenny dumps Blair!  Dan loves Serena!  Eric is alive!  Rufus wears a granny cardigan!

Sadly, we’ve come to the end of the not-so-long, quite predictable road that is Gossip Girl Season 1.  Happily, we’re going out with not only a bang, but with a few bings and lots of nah nee nah nee nah nahs.  Nice!

 

Gossip Girl explains the difference between gossip and scandal—the right person needs to be in the wrong place.  Slutty Serena grabs a bunch of home pregnancy tests in a pharmacy as some girl blatantly takes pictures of her with a camera phone.  Seriously, how did Serena not see this chick taking the pictures?  The girl is standing right there!

 

Poverty Stricken Jenny screams while looking at her laptop and Poverty Stricken Dan and Poverty Stricken Rockin Rufus run in to see what’s wrong.  She says she was practicing her scream and closes her laptop.  The Humphrey men insist on looking at what she saw and carry her chair and her away from the computer.  She’s so trying not to laugh when they do so.  When Rufus opens the laptop, they all see the picture on Gossip Girl of Serena holding a home pregnancy test.  RockinRufus tells Jenny to go away, kicking her out of her own room, because it’s her fault that Serena’s pregnant so she doesn’t deserve her own room anymore.  Oh, and Rufus is wearing some sort of womanly cardigan.  It’s not even like a retro Mr. Rogers cardigan.  It’s a full on granny sweater.

 

Suicidal Eric and Slutty Serena are walking down the street in Manhattan and he asks if there’s something she wants to say.  She’s like, yes!  Your hair is ugly.  His hair is all shades of brown and blonde.  He shows her his cell that has the picture of her with the home pregnancy test.  Serena is wearing a red jacket.  Usually, I don’t mention clothes unless they’re wearing a maternity tuxedo (hello, Blair) or a granny cardigan (see Rufus above), but just keep her jacket in mind.

 

Back in the poor part of town, Rufus broods silently and then tells Dan that he and Hudson Alison don’t want their son to be a teenage dad because he’s smart and special.  He now doesn’t have a bright future.  Dan says it’s not a part of the plan but he loves Serena whether or not she’s pregnant.  Rockin Rufus tells him to talk to her because it might not be true.  Dan says, Did you hear what I said?  Rufus is like, You heard what I said.  I heard them both.  They heard each other.  Goodie.

 

Serena the slut paces anxiously outside of the school and some dude walks by and says, Hey, Mom!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  HIL. AIR.  EEE. US!!!!!!!!!!  Serena answers, Yes, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.  Good comeback but not as funny as Hey Mom!  Dan arrives and proclaims he loves her and she says she’s not pregnant so he doesn’t have to say the love thing.  She says thank you.  He says no baby is good news and Rufus is going to throw a party.  Serena has to go meet Blair on the steps.  Awesome.  Two episodes in a row where someone proclaims his love and is met with a rather mundane that’s nice.  Heeheeeee.  Already, the finale is making up for all those stupid scenes with Alison and Vanessa throughout the season.

 

Jenny arrives on the steps to meet Blair and the Chickadees and she’s late because she had to go to the library.  Blair makes her move down a few steps and Jenny says that the hazing is old.  She leaves and doesn’t say hi to Serena who shows up late also.  She tells the girls she’s not pregnant.  She pulls Blair aside and tells her that she needs to stop being in denial.  Apparently, Blair’s period is late and Serena shoves a home pregnancy test at her.  Dude, I SO CALLED THAT!  THAT’S what the maternity tuxedo was all about!!!  But why does Serena know so much about Blair’s uterus?  Serena tells Blair she needs to know if she and Chuck are going to have a baby.  BabySlime?  Shudder at the thought.

 

ChuckSlime arrives at the courtyard just in time to see Boring Nate mackin it with Blair.  Nate asks Blair to go with him to see Captain Morgan and she loves that he’s leaning on her, emotionally.  Then Blair sees ChuckSlime but continues mackin it with Nate.


Poor Dan and Poor Jenny arrive home to tell Rufus he’s not a granddaddy.  He says it’s cool and then chants Yes Yes Yes!  Even though he’s not a granddad, he’s still wearing the granny cardigan.  Then Dan says he told Serena he loved her and she thinks he only said it because he thought she was pregnant.  Rufus says it’s good he got shot down because he’s only 17 and should enjoy it.  After Rufus leaves, Jenny tells Dan not to listen to him because he’s old and has a broken marriage (of course she doesn’t mention how she played the major role in the destruction of her dad’s heart).  She tells Dan to tell Serena again when there aren’t any distractions like possible pregnancy.  He says it’s a good idea.

 

On the UES, Serena comes to harass Blair as Blair tries to study. Serena is wearing a grayish coat now.  That’s two coats.  Keep track. Blair gushes that Nate was leaning on her and then says she hasn’t been on the pill since she was fifteen.  Like Serena has.  Because Serena’s a slut.  Then Serena leaves because she can’t handle the truth.

 

Serena eats spaghetti with Dan.  Jenny comes into the kitchen for juice and Dan tells her to go to Vanessa’s to have even poorer juice.  Jenny plans to put on her headphones in her bedroom so her brother can mack it.  Instead, Dan decides to ask Serena what’s on her mind.  Serena tells him that the pregnancy test was for Blair because Blair slept with ChuckSlime before she got back with Boring Nate.  Jenny overhears it all before she puts on her headphones.  Serena says Chuck doesn’t know. Dan doesn’t believe he doesn’t know.  Serena wants to talk to Chuck so he’ll talk Blair into taking the test.  Dan hugs Serena and what’s with everyone’s wardrobe tonight?  Why is Dan wearing a shiny shirt?

 

Over at the Poor Art Gallery, Rockin Rufus in his granny cardigan gushes about a painting that some woman is buying.  She wants to get a drink with him and he doesn’t realize he’s being asked out.  She leaves her card with him when another woman walks in.  It’s the art dealer who works for JudgyLily who offered her card in case the trains stopped running to Hudson.  She wants to see some new stuff for other clients, meaning she wants to get into his pants and under his granny cardigan.  She asks about Alison in Hudson and he says he’s trying to move on.  She asks him out for tomorrow night and he’s happy about it.   In his granny cardigan.

 

Serena goes over to ChuckSlime’s.  She says, Hi Chuck.  He says, Please call me brother.  HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  She wants to trust him and hopes he’s really decent.  Has she met Chuck?  He makes himself a cocktail and she says that the test was for Blair.  He says they used a condom and she says it obviously broke.  Wait a minute—Blair might not even be pregnant so it’s not obvious that the condom broke.  And when exactly did they use a condom?  Really, in the back of that limo, I didn’t see any condoms come out.  Plus, you’re not pregnant every time your period is late.  I should know—I’m the queen of the It Think I’m Pregnant Because My Period Is Late dilemma and I have yet to actually be pregnant.  Oh, great, now I’ve jinxed myself and I’m gonna be with child. 

 

Chuck says that the only thing that’s obvious is that Blair has kept Serena in the dark.  He tells her that Nate and Blair slept together as soon as he and Blair got it on.  Nice!

 

The next morning in Brooklyn, Rufus asks Dan how he and Jenny would feel if Rufus went out for a drink with a woman.  Dan says he shouldn’t wear that shirt unless he doesn’t want a second date.  Rufus is wearing a plaid shirt with lots of snap closures.  But hang on a second.  Dan had no problem with the granny cardigan, yet he gets all Fashion Gestapo about the farmer Ted shirt.  Seriously.  Jenny comes in and asks Rufus if he plans to wear the farmer Ted shirt in public.  Jenny says that drinks are okay but the shirt is awful.  It’s all Jenny’s fault.

 

Serena arrives at Blair’s house during breakfast and says the sky is a clear blue easy.  She’s wearing a brown coat.  Jacket number 3.  She scolds Blair for not telling her about Nate putting his penis into her, but why would Serena have to know that?  Serena’s already had Nate inside her.  She knows what it’s like.  Serena’s upset because she took a public bullet for Blair and Blair still won’t take the pregnancy test.  NastyMom comes in to see what’s going on and asks Blair what’s wrong when Serena leaves.  NastyMom asks if Blair’s condition has returned and says she heard Blair puking the other day.  They were fighting about Blair’s condition but not the pie-eating problem, NastyMom; it’s a condition concerning a sperm, an egg, and a growing uterus.  NastyMom suggests Blair goes to Lyon to see Daddy so she can puke in France instead and Blair wants to go in the summer.  NastyMom tells her to finish breakfast.

 

Blair goes upstairs.  She tells herself not to be pregnant.  Then she takes the test.  She calls Serena who slowly walks the streets of Manhattan.  Blair apologizes and Serena accepts and Blair says she took the test and she’s not pregnant and they both scream like little girls.  It’s a clean slate between them now.

 

Blair arrives at school where ChuckSlime is waiting.  And wearing his scarf again!  Blair tells him that he can’t hold anything over her anymore because if he wanted to tell Nate about him sleeping with Blair, he would’ve done it in Monaco. The fact is that Chuck doesn’t want to destroy his friendship with Nate.  Chuck says it’s not over until he says it is.  Blair tells him to play with himself. 

 

So Chuck does what any rational teen boy would do: He emails Gossip Girl to say that Serena isn’t pregnant; the test was for Blair who slept with two people and wouldn’t know who the father is.

 

Poor Dan takes Serena on a date outside in the winter so he covers her with a blanket and gives her ginger ale which won’t warm her up.  He tells her that she’s become important to him in the short time he’s known her.  Her lit paper flies away with the wind and some guy helps her pick it up and she gushes, I Love You! to the complete stranger.  She asks Dan what he was saying and he offers to proofread her paper.  She wants to eat first.

 

At school, the Chickadees show Jenny Gossip Girl’s new headline and then inside Nate sees it too.  Blair isn’t only not a virgin,  but she also isn’t not not pregnant maybe and has paternity woes.  Gossip Girl asks, who’s you’re Daddy, B, baby daddy that is.  Then the rumors fly across the courtyard: slut slut pot kettle black bitch slut.  She looks for Nate and then flees.

 

Poor Jenny tells Nate that she saw the website when the meet in the hallway.  Jenny and Nate are friends only when they randomly bump into each other.  He asks Jenny if she knows anything, despite her being friends with Blair.  Jenny says Blair isn’t a friend and tells Nate that there’s something he should know.


And now we come to the most awesome fight in Gossip Girl history, even more awesome than Serena and Blair wackin each other on the hockey field.  BoringNate storms up to ChuckSlime on the sidewalk, grabs him by the scarf and lapels, and lays him out on the hood of a car.  Bow chicka bow wow!  He puts his hands around Chuck’s neck and almost kisses him but doesn’t.  Instead, he asks, Did you sleep with her?  Chuck says he can answer when Nate’s hands aren’t around his neck.  Nate asks if he took Blair the way he takes all the other girls.  Oh, so Nate know about Chuck’s raping habit.  The rape is fine when it happens to other girls but when it happens to your girlfriend, then it becomes a problem.  Such a double standard.

 

Then Nate caresses Chuck’s chest and gets off of him.  Chuck stands up and yells, Yes, Nathaniel (I love it when he calls him Nathaniel), I TOOK what Blair kept throwing at YOU and what you kept throwing BACK.  Nate asks if his screwing Blair for sport is his fault and Chuck says it wasn’t for sport.  Blair needed someone and Chuck was there.  Nate’s all like, So then you CARED about her?  Chuck goes, You guys were broken up.  Notice he didn’t say he cared.  Nate asks for how long—a week, an hour?  He’s simply wants a time line.  Nate starts to storm away.

 

Chuck yells after him, I’m sorry!  I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay?!  He grabs Nate’s arm and spins him around.  Bow chicka bow wow!  Now Chuck is finally workin Nate instead of Nate pining after Chuck. Nate says it’s not okay and that Chuck should stay away from him.  Nate storms away and then twirls around to repeat himself.  Chuck yells at the onlookers that the show is over and falls into his limo.  And that’s the story of how Nate and Chuck broke up.

 

When Nate arrives home, he finds Blair in his room.  He asks her what she’s doing there and she says Boring Mom let her in.  He goes, I didn’t ask how you got in; I want to know why you’re here.  She wants to talk about them being together and he says they’re not together anymore.  She says Chuck would say anything and Nate says that Jenny wouldn’t. She’s all, Jenny?  And he’s like, Don’t blame Jenny because I would’ve found out anyway.  Yes, but not as quickly.  He tells her to leave but then doesn’t give her a chance to even move before he yells, I’ll leave and you can stay as long as you want, and he storms out.  As my Gossip Girl Confidant Fred says, Nate basically becomes a girl.  A slightly boring girl.

 

Rockin Rufus is at the Poor Art Gallery when some woman walks in and he’s all, Brynn!  She says she’s there on a dare from her friends to ask him out.  He’s back in the granny cardigan.  She says he has to say yes.  He says that he has plans tonight but maybe some other night.  The art dealer woman walks in to see if she’s interupting and he makes introductions: Brynn, Becks, Becks, Brynn  but he points to the wrong one when he says the name and Becks says she’s Becks and the other one is Brynn and Rufus says he gets his B’s mixed up.  Pretty soon, he’ll be the one impregnating Blair.  Then again, probably not—Blair wouldn’t sleep with a guy who wears a granny cardigan.  Becks wants to reschedule and storms out and Brynn says that Rufus is available so now he must go out with her.

 

Serena arrives at Blair’s wearing a solid gray coat.  Jacket number 4.  She asks what happened and Blair can’t believe that Serena told Jenny about Blair and Chuck.  Serena uses the very solid defense of “No I Didn’t.”  Blair comes back with more or less a “Yes You Did.”  Again, very solid.  Blair asks Serena if she told Dan and Serena doesn’t really answer so Blair knows that she did.  Blair calls Dan and Jenny low rent and Serena can’t believe Blair is attacking the poor people of the world.  Blair says that it’s different for Serena because she’s already a known-skank-whore and Blair is known as a Waldorf.  Serena says that her low rent taste will let Blair and her rep weather the storm alone.  Then Serena has to wait for the elevator to arrive before she can storm out.  AWK-WARD!

 

Jenny arrives on the steps with Blair.  No it’s Jenny’s turn for a fashion faux pas.  Her pink beret is very Pretty In Pink—I’m pretty sure she sewed random buttons and other fun crap to the side of it .  Some girl who we’ve never seen until this episode tells Blair that she needs to go away because she acted all pure and innocent while she was sleeping with two guys.  The Chickadees should at least be the ones taking over, not these random girls who we’ve never seen.  They tell her that the whole school saw Nate and Chuck throwing down over her cheap ass and that the Queen B is now dethroned.  Jenny goes to follow the random girls and Blair threatens to ruin her.  Jenny asks, How? and Blair has no answer so she leaves.

 

Back at the gallery, Rufus calls Becks to leave an apology.  Apparently, he’s calling “again” which means he’s going psychotic and leaving lots of messages.  He says he’s new at this and didn’t mean to do whatever it was he did wrong.  Like wearing that granny cardigan.

 

In the courtyard, Serena asks Dan if he told Jenny about Blair and Chuck.  He says no.  She asks how she can know that.  He says because he gave her his word and he loves her and not because he thought she was pregnant or has nice hair.  She says Okay.  Friggin fantastic!  That’s the THIRD time that’s happened.  Dan is like, Okay is not an appropriate response and leaves.  These people do a lot of storming away.

 

Oooh, and now it’s a slow motion time!  Blair walks through a park. AND it’s time for flashbacks!  Flashback to her sleeping with Nate and Chuck.  It’s over too quickly.  They totally could have cheesed that up much, much more.

 

Suicidal Eric is minding his own business, listening to his Juke on the couch, when Serena accosts him with everything that has happened to her in the last 48 hours.  He’s all, I don’t know what you’re talking about but why would Dan lie?  And this is the first time I’ve noticed (and Fred noticed too) that Eric’s voice is about three octaves higher than anyone else’s on the show, including Jenny and her choir.  He asks Serena if she knows how many times he listened in to her conversations.  Then he says that her fear of love comes with JudgyLily marrying everyone who said I love you.  Serena ends the conversation because Eric seems too smart.

 

Blair meets up with Chuck at FatherSlime’s hotel.  What.  Is Chuck.  Wearing.  Okay, I understand that real men wear pink.  Fine.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I DO have a problem with a pink sweater that has a black and white checked vest sewn onto the front that’s worn over a white button-down tuxedo shirt.  Blair congratulates Chuck for his success in ruining all of Blair’s relationships and she has no one to turn to but Chuck.  He says she doesn’t have him.  She was fascinating when she was untouched but now she’s like an Arabian his father owned—rode hard and put away wet.  Ewww.  That’s so slimy.  He says she doesn’t want her anymore and can’t see why anyone else would.  And that’s why he’s ChuckSlime.  Guess what Blair does.  She leaves.  Because that’s what they do.

 

Blair comes home and asks NastyMom if she can spend a semester in France starting ASAP.  Daddy is thrilled about a visit and Blair gets all teary-eyed and NastyMom is very concerned.  Blair tells her to book a flight then.  NastyMom says Blair will be out tomorrow and Blair falls into NastyMom’s lap.

 

At school,  Random Girl wants to go for a Barney’s driveby and Jenny can’t go because she has to return library books.  When does Jenny ever read?  Random Girl tells some other smaller random girl to return the books for Jenny.  The smaller girl says she will.  Jenny says she can do it herself and Random Girl says that Jenny shouldn’t have to.  Jenny lets the smaller girl return them for her and Random Girl says that Blair trained Jenny well. 

 

Becks arrives at the Poor Art Gallery and Rufus again apologizes for what happened.  He says that he was married for almost 20 years and before that had a succession of groupies who chose him and he has no dating experience.  She says that she’s still charmed by him so instructs him to call her in two days to thank her for forgiving him and he will ask her to dinner.  He takes out his phone as she walks away and calls her and says he isn’t good at following rules.  Okay, props to Rufus. Too bad I really don’t like this Becks woman.  I don’t like Brynn either.  In fact, the only kinda likeable woman for Rufus is JudgyLily, and she’s only likeable kinda when she’s with him because he makes fun of her for being judgy. 

 

Meanwhile, Serena shows up at the Humphrey House wearing a blue disco coat.  Jacket number 5.  She wants to know why Dan loves her so she can say Okay again.  He says he loves her because she laughs like a four year old and he aspires to be a pedophile and she doesn’t apologize for being sexy and she’s completely unaware of her affect on him.  He loves her because she can be with someone like him (POOR) and still be friends with someone like Blair (NOT PREGNANT).  She tells Dan that he’s amazing for being able to say all those things. They mack it.  She says she loves him and she has to go.  He doesn’t ask her to list the reasons because he doesn’t want to risk her not having any and changing her mind.


Serena goes to the helipad where Blair’s helicopter is getting ready to fly one bourrough over to JFK.  Nice security.  Serena tells her not to run away and she can rebuild her life and Blair Waldorf tells people who she is and Serena will fight with her.  Blair is embarrassed.  Serena tells her to start over like she did.  All Blair needs is a poverty stricken boyfriend.  They hug it out.  Blair tells the helicrew that she’s going home and they can stop tinkering with the aircraft. 

 

Gossip Girl says one good scandal deserves another and if B has anything to do with it, everybody will be the target of the next one.  But if everyone’s the target, who will be left to shock with it since everyone will be involved? 

 

Forget Gossip Girl.  You know you love my recaps.  XOXO and some Korbel and Coke.

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 12: School Lies

Suspension, Blackmail, and Other Rich Kid Hobbies

Highlights: Long Lost Vanessa sticks a camera in everyone’s face; the rich kids try to murder someone less rich; Lowly Boy Dan sinks a notch lower; Slime and Judgment unite while Rufus tries to find a new tune; Blair wears a maternity tuxedo

Man, it’s been way too long since we followed the antics on the UES.  Last we saw them, Poor Lowly Boy Dan Humphrey boinked Serena the slut and Long Lost Vanessa was sporting an afro and NastyMom revealed Vicky’s Secret to some stranger in the park and Daddy and Daddy’s Boyfriend licked candy canes while Blair pouted but didn’t eat an entire Christmas cake and Eric was still alive but kinda missing and Jenny was responsible for her mother leaving and ChuckSlime and Boring Nate were basking in one another’s arms on an exotic deserted island and Captain and Boring Mom but not Tenille were figuring out more ways to lie about him snorting coke and Not So Rockin Rufus was waiting outside Judgy Lily’s hotel home after having walked there from Brooklyn with no coat in the snow to tell her that he loves her again while Father Slime was proposing to JudgyLily upstairs. Got all that?  Good.

 

Pool party!  All the cool rich kids are splashing around in a pool at night which is what all cool rich kids do.  They’re drinking cocktails and getting laid.  Too rich for beer, they have martinis.  They’re smoking pot which is so inaccurate.  They’re rich.  They should be snorting Captain’s coke.  The pool is at the school—I know this because my detective skills are keen and there’s a huge school crest on the wall.  Someone has the key.  I know this because my detective skills are keen and Gossip Girl says that all it takes is a key and there’s a key being thrown on the floor.  It’s a pretty fancy schmancy key.  Like an uber rich skeleton key that unlocks the door to riches. 

 

Blair and Nate pop up from underwater and Nate asks why she’s been avoiding him.  He molests her while he complains and then he kisses her ear and she asks what he’s doing and he says This and they mack it for a full twenty seconds.  She swims away frazzled.  I have to admit, although he’s boring, he’s pretty hot when he’s soaking wet.

 

Blair swims over to ChuckSlime who’s on the life guard chair.  Is he wearing a onesy?  A one piece male bathing suit?  I think so.  It’s red and white horizontal stripes.  Where’s his scarf anyway?  Blair tells him she’s had enough of the blackmail and she can’t keep avoiding Nate.  ChuckSlime threatens to tell Nate about his devirginization of Blair and says he chooses Blair to torture. And walks away in his onesy.

 

Oh, boooo!  It’s NOT a onesy.  It just looks like one. His bottoms are matching red board shorts with a flower patter.  It also matches Blair’s red bikini. Serena is wearing a one piece though and it’s the only one piece bathing suit I’ve ever seen that I’ve liked.  ChuckSlime wonders aloud to her about what will happen if their parents come back from South Africa engaged.  South Africa? I thought they got engaged under Judgy Lily’s Christmas tree.  ChuckSlime wants to get it on with family.  Serena wonders if incest is the only taboo he has yet to break.  He goes in for the kiss and Serena knocks his martini out of his hand.

 

Meanwhile in the poor part of town, Dan does homework while Long Lost Vanessa films him with her camcorder and no afro.  In the background, Rufus rocks out sadly, playing the same three notes. 

 

Serena calls and they say they miss each other and I puke into my hand.  She wants him to come to the pool.  He says it’s at school.  She tells him to bring his bathing suit.  He and Vanessa head over to swim.

 

There’s some retro 80s song playing and this now becomes a scene from one of those St. Elmo’s Fire John Hughes Less Than Zero flicks with the drinking and drugging and heavy petting and ChuckSlime blowing his whistle in his onesy (okay I know it’s not a onesy but a girl can dream, can’t she?).  Dan shows up feeling like an outsider.  He’s wearing a button down and slacks and is being followed by a pauper with a video camera.  Why would he feel separate from the group?  Serena sees him and hugs him and kisses Vanessa hello. 

 

Then two guys push each other by the edge of the pool and one turns and walks into a pillar and hits his head and falls into the pool.  This is the lamest poolside accident ever in the history of all almost-drownings.  Boring Nate juts his chin in the direction of the guy who fell and lightly caresses ChuckSlime’s arm to draw his attention to it.  Of course, ChuckSlime is not at the life guard station when this happens nor does he have his whistle.  Oh, and Boring Nate has his shirt off and is still wet.  Is he at least 18?  I’m hoping so or else I’m gonna be arrested. 

 

Dan and Serena also see what’s happening and she kind of points and heads over that way.  Vanessa isn’t filming.  She so should not be a filmmaker if she doesn’t know when to keep the camera rolling.  Nate finally jumps into the pool after feeling up Chuck’s arm and drags the guy to the edge.  Serena calls 911 and Nate pushes way too quickly on the guy’s chest.  We don’t actually see Nate giving mouth to mouth but I’m sure he’s practically tongue-kissing the guy because unconscious is the way he likes em.

 

Someone leaves a cell phone on the bench as they all scatter when the sirens blare and Chuck fondles the key and then takes it.

 

The school officials have taken all the pictures off the cell phone and now have all the students in the room to tell them that they’re all in trouble.  Everyone is there who was at the party except for Vanessa who is even poorer than Dan is so there’s no way she could even look at their school, let alone go to it.  The drowning kid didn’t die.  The guy official introduces the new head mistress who really is new probably because the actress who was the head mistress decided to go on to other dramatic endeavors.

 

Head Mistress Queller admonishes them and says that they have to write personal essays about how they are assholes.  Basically.  She plans to interview them one by one to find out who initiated the party, and they all face expulsion.  They all brood gloomily. 

 

Outside, they all decide that no one talks and no one can get into trouble.  They all agree except for Dan.  They tell him to hush up because silence works every time.  Then they all walk away dramatically, leaving Serena and Dan on the steps alone.  Serena says she’ll get him out of it and then she bounces away too.  They all may as well just blame Jenny Humphrey since she gets blamed for everything else anyway.  Or they can blame Vanessa because she has a habit of breaking into places through windows and secret passageways.  Still, it’s so obvious that Serena’s the one who got in even though they want us to think it was Chuck or someone else.  Fine, I’ll go along with the mystery madness for now.

 

Blair’s first in HMQ’s office and she says she doesn’t know who broke in or why she was there and then she says she did stupid things, meaning she had sex with ChuckSlime and Boring Nate, but that has nothing to do with the almost drowning at the pool. 

 

Outside, Boring Nate is writing furiously—he tells ChuckSlime it’s a heartfelt letter to Blair.  ChuckSlime says that Blair is uninterested in him.  Nate says that she kissed him in the pool.  Chuck can’t believe she did that.  Nate says that the torture is worth it.  ChuckSlime stares away, raging with jealousy because Blair still gives him butterflies.

 

Rockin Rufus calls Dan and tells him that if he knows something that can keep him out of trouble he needs to cooperate because the rich kids are going to blame him.

 

JudgyLily arrives at Rufus’s poor art gallery and says that she just found out their kids are in trouble.  She’s not there to talk about that though.  She’s there to rub it in his face that she landed at the airport moments ago after a whirlwind vacation with FatherSlime.  So she went directly to Brooklyn after flying in from South Africa.  Believable.  She then tries to break him even more by telling him that Father Slime proposed and she’s going to say yes and she didn’t want him to hear it from their children.  She says she didn’t get Rufus’ message on Christmas day until she was on the plane and says that his missing her is great.  He didn’t plan anything with Allison.  She says he doesn’t plan anything.  He says her plan probably involves jets.

 

Vanessa and Dan are in the elevator to Blair’s penthouse looking at the footage of ChuckSlime at the pool holding the key to the pool.  They come in to find all the people who were at the party now partying at Blair’s.  Blair explains that someone made out with someone who will write all their papers.  Then she tells Vanessa that she can’t film her.  Heeheeeee!  Way to go, Blair.  Then Blair tells Serena, “Michael Moore over there is using this to get closer to Dan.”  Heheheheheeeee.  HIL. AIR.  EEE.  US!  Serena insists that Vanessa’s filming him because she really needs a scholarship. Either that or she’s hoping to get Dan drunk and make an “art film” with him. 

 

Blair sees Chuck dangling the pool key in front of him.  She snatches it from him and takes it upstairs.  Dan comes over and tells Chuck he needs to fess up.  Chuck tells him that regardless of who he puts his penis into, they come from two different worlds.  Chuck comes from a world that no matter what he does, he can build a library and all will be forgiven.  Dan comes from a world where he needs to not get caught because when he gets caught, he loses what little money he has and will have less of a chance of putting his penis into another rich girl.  Chuck suggests all the Humphrey’s have are used MetroCards and has-been music hits. 

 

Boring Nate follows Blair up to her room. She asks what he’s doing and he says he wanted to talk to her and then gives her the love letter he wrote for her.  This is all getting really too pathetic.  Stop groveling, Nate.  Now not only is Nate boring, but he’s just too sad.  Really, he’s a hot guy; he could move on and sleep with one of the chickadees.  What happened to his obsession with Serena?  Go for her.  Dude, seriously, stop.  Blair leaves without taking the letter.  Nate puts it on her desk and then opens the drawer to find the key that Blair just hid.  Now he thinks that she’s the one who started the party.

 

Dan goes to leave the party because Chuck is right.  He tells Serena that none of this matters to them because they’re all rich.  Then he puts up his hand and says, “Vanessa, please, some space.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  Finally, Vanessa gets the verbal bitch slap from Dan.  Again, she’s not a very good filmmaker. She doesn’t hide behind a bush to get the footage. She listens to Dan and walks away.  Because maybe when he comes back to her, they’ll do it.  Dan explains that he and Serena are not in the same boat because he’s on partial scholarship and he’s going to tattle.  He asks her if she knows who it is and Serena says that he doesn’t understand.  Man, it’s so her. 

 

Blair finds Chuck who tells her to stop her Archibald habit.  She says she’s tired of blackmail and he should tell Nate and she’ll tell Nate that he’s lying.  He says he has proof.  Vanessa has been recording and she says she now has a new angle.  Chuck grabs her because he wants the tape and Dan comes to the rescue.  He tells Chuck that he owes him a black eye so unless Chuck is trying to claim it, he should let go of Vanessa.  Why does Dan owe him a black eye. He already gave him one for almost-raping Jenny.  Where the heck is Jenny this episode?  Maybe she’s being raped by Carter Basin.  Or maybe she’s visiting Alison in Hudson.  Maybe she’s destroying yet another family.  Plus, I don’t get how Dan can still be in the same room with Chuck without going apeshit all the time.  I mean, the guy tried to rape his sister.  That’s not something you get over.

 

The next day Rufus arrives at JudgyLily’s door, this time with his coat on.  He thinks she wants him to give her a reason not to spend the rest of her life with Bart Bass so he proclaims his love.  She reminds him that they’re not on the road and 20 and he says thank God because now her mother can’t make her decision.  They’re at the same crossroads and she should claim her life the way she wants to.  He quickly kisses her and then leaves. 

 

Nate is now in HMQ’s office and admits his guilt and apologizes.  She tells him he always toes the line of mediocrity.  That’s awesome!  Mediocre Nate.  He shows her the key and she asks how he got it and what the key chain looked like.  He can’t answer such hard questions.  She hands him a picture of the key with its chain and asks who he’s protecting.

 

Blair find Vanessa outside with her camera.  Vanessa tells Blair that there’s no way she’s getting the tape.  Vanessa says that Blair has nothing on her and doesn’t want to distribute it and wants to only pay her rent.  ChuckSlime finds Vanessa when Blair storms off and holds up a wad of 10grand because money matters to everyone.  He says that this money can make a real difference in her life.  She takes the money, calls him sick, and hands him the tape out of her camera.  How much you wanna bet that that’s not the tape he wants?

 

Meanwhile, JudgyLily and FatherSlime are having lunch at some fancy restaurant and they’re way too dressy for midday.  I guess that’s why I can’t live on the UES.  She stares at the people around her who are all old and wearing ugly makeup. And FatherSlime gets a phone call and walks around the restaurant to take the call.  She calls RockinRufus and tells him they should try to see who they can be.  He says they should go away and she says sure—they should meet at 6 PM on 90th and 5th and she’s terrified.  How can they just pack up and leave when they have kids?  Is it really that easy?  I mean, Eric was suicidal last week and now not only is he gone, but Jenny’s missing now too.  No worries, though.  Rufus and Lily can run away and live on love to reclaim their rockin lifestyle.

 

At school, HMQ tells the partiers that someone confessed yesterday but it was a lie.  She appreciates self-sacrifice but punishes dishonesty and announces that Nate has been suspended and it will go on his transcript.  Gossip Girl voices over that he’s a dead man walking and it’s an eye for a lie.  That makes no sense.  HMQ says she’ll keep going until each of them have walked out the door.  I thought she was going to expel everyone.  What kind of time frame do they have on the fess up essay writing?  Outside, Dan tells Serena that he can’t get suspended or be expelled and asks her if she knows who it was or why she won’t say anything about it.  She says, Because it was me.  He’s shocked.  I’m not.

 

Serena says she didn’t tell him because she didn’t want to have him in the position he’s in now and didn’t want him to judge her because her mom already judges her.  She says that she dated the swim team captain at the end of freshman year and he gave her a key so they could do it in the pool.  Blair knew she had the key and she thought it would be just the girls but then people called people and someone almost drowned.  She says that Dan didn’t know her before she went away and if she got expelled no other school in town would take her and she can’t go back to boarding school and be away from him.  Here’s a thought—go to, dare I say it, public school.  Now THAT would be an awesome turn of events.  Then an announcement over the PA says that HMQ wants to see Dan after class.

 

Blair finds Nate in the yard and he says that his suspension was worth it because he knows how hard she’s worked to get into Yale.  She says that the key wasn’t hers and realizes that he confessed because he thought she did it.  She says that it’s so romantic. Yeah, romance is getting suspended for the girl you mack it with.  He says he loves her.  She says that she doesn’t want to be with him.  Omigod, that’s so awesome. Now THAT’S romance.  I love you; I don’t want to be with you.  This can’t get any better.

 

At Hotel/Home du Judgment, JudgyLily is packing and asks Serena if she got expelled yet.  Serena says she’s not sure.  JudgyLily says that she can’t help Serena as she tries to pack perfect outfits.  Serena asks why she’s packing and Lily says she’s taking a spa weekend.  Serena doesn’t understand why she needs to relax after taking a vacation.   Then the Phone of Judgment rings and Serena sees that it’s Rufus and Lily won’t answer so Serena catches on that Lily is going away with Rufus.  She tells her that she can’t.  Lily says she won’t listen to Serena’s preferences.  Serena says that Dan is the most important thing in her life and she’s rather be Chuck’s stepsister than Dan’s.  Oh, how the vicious circle of incest comes around.  Because if Lily and Rufus get married, then Serena would have to wander into the unspoken taboo. Not really, though.  It’s not incest if you’re teenagers who’ve been dating and then have your parents marry afterwards.  Then Serena goes back to school.

 

Vanessa shows up at Blair’s house.  Vanessa’s jacket is uber shiny but let’s forget about that and talk about Blair’s outfit.  She’s wearing this baggy, potato sack tuxedo thing.  It’s a dress I think.  It’s got a bow tie and a white bib thingie.  What the?  The high-waist pants I can forgive.  But this?  Come on!  Vanessa gives her the tape because it’s the decent thing to do and says that the tape she gave Chuck was blank.  I called that.  Then Vanessa tells Blair that having observed her, she thinks Blair and Nate make a good couple and Nate is one of the good guys even if he is boring and mediocre.

 

HMQ is berating Dan about his dreams being in his grasp but he’s now dating Serena van der Woodsen.  He asks, Is that in my file?  And HMQ flaps it shut.  HIL. AIR.  EEE. US.  I love Dan.  She asks who had the key to the school.  He says he doesn’t know.  She reminds him that he’s poor and he needs this school.  Serena comes in and says she has something to say.  Nice timing.  Then, in front of Dan, HMQ berates Serena about her record of insubordination.  Serena explains that she’s been different since she came back and her grades are higher and she’s barely been absent.  Now she’s someone who stays out of trouble except for almost drowning someone in a pool.  She says that she’s accepting responsibility and wants whatever HMQ thinks is fair.

 

Meanwhile, Blair shows up to the café where Vanessa works.  She’s still wearing the maternity tuxedo.  Blair says she just paid Vanessa’s rent for a year because she doesn’t want to owe anyone anything and now they’re even and Blair can go back to hating Vanessa. Vanessa says that she took Chuck’s money and started a foundation in his name to help teens who have genital herpes.  Funny but unlikely.

 

Serena and Dan finally leave the office, glowing about how all Serena has to do is 25 hours of community service which she would have done anyway because she’s on the committee.  Dan’s yeah-ing her a lot so she thinks he thinks that there’s a double standard.  Well, he’s poor and was going to be expelled.  She’s rich and gets a punishment of “do this thing that you were going to do anyway.”  She says that her mom didn’t make any deals and she doesn’t get special treatment.  Then her driver shows up to take her home.  She tells the driver that she’ll walk.  Dan asks him if he’s going to Brooklyn.  Nice!

 

Later on, either in the hotel/home or in one of the many places own by Bass Slime, Father Slime gives a toast to the merging of families while ChuckSlime, JudgyLily, Serena and Eric who now has dark hair again stand by. 

 

Cut to moments ago when Lily showed up at 90th and 5th empty-handed and Rufus asks if she’s packing light.   She asks him to understand.  He think he does but he’s sorry.  So’s she.

 

Then the Slime family and Judgy family drink their rich champagne as Rufus walks back to Brooklyn.  Here’s a question. Why does Lily have to choose either one of them?  Why does she have to marry Chuck’s dad?  Why can’t she date someone totally new?  Or why can’t she be on her own?  Be single?  Focus on her children maybe.  This is so dumb.  It’s as if she has no other choice between Rufus and Father Slime.  Dumb dumb dumb.

 

After the toast, ChuckSlime half hugs Serena and calls her sis.  She tells him never to call her that again. Chuck wants to bathe with her. 

 

Blair invites Nate over while she’s wearing her maternity tuxedo and tells him that she forgives him.  He says that if she truly forgives him, nothing can tear them apart.  She says that she loves him too.  They mack it. 

 

Father Slime tells Serena that her new step-brother told him about her little problem at school which he didn’t find surprising given her reputation as a rowdy slut whore.  He explains that he made a call and it was harder than usual but at least he got her a minimal punishment and tells her not to tell Lily.  ChuckSlime says that he was looking out for his family and that the van der Woodsen Bass Library should be open by the time Eric graduates.

 

Serena jumps up and leaves to get some air.  The air she needs is in Brooklyn.  Poor air.  She finds Rockin Rufus packing up old pictures.  He says that he’s going to find something new to write about.  Then she squeezes his arm inappropriately.  She finds Dan in his room doing homework.  Dan’s a lefty.  He tells her she’s overdressed for their study date.  She doesn’t want to talk about it.  Because then he’d know that he was totally right about the double standard.  Instead, they read Chaucer together and she spits a pen cap at him. Ah, romance.