Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 14: In The Realm Of The Basses

The Darkest Realm Of All

 

Highlights: JudgyLily, RockinRufus, and Evil Uncle Jack compete for World’s Worst Parent or Guardian; Blair masters the art of fooling herself; SluttySerena and DownerDan reunite the toolbox; KleptoJenny returns to the life of a fifteen year old and as SuicidalEric’s best fag hag

 

Is your heart beating quickly with anticipation?  Boys and girls, it’s time to exhale.  Gossip Girl has returned from our New Year’s festivities.  SluttySerena tangoed with old men in Buenos Aires.  DownerDan celebrated (read: brooded) alone.  KleptoJenny is going back to high school.  Blair has found a new social ladder to climb with the Colony Club, a group of middle-aged women.  Uncle Jack Bass is out looking for Chuck.  Chuck is smoking the hooka pipe in a sweat hut somewhere in a jungle with a hot Asian chick.  LongLostVanessa is still visiting her grandma (which means we don’t have to see her this episode!).  No mention of BoringNate.  He’s probably checking the cake (inside joke—for those of you who watch The Soup). 

 

RockinRufus returns home from his Boston trip not having found the sculptor or painter he told DD he was on the hunt for.  Wait a minute.  After he got angry with JL, didn’t he tell DD and KJ he wasn’t going anywhere?  So then he skipped out on the holidays with the children he knows to go to Boston in search of an artist, which is obviously a total fabrication.  This?  Is stupid.  He wants to go to school with DD.  Because he’s still regressing to when he was a teenager. 

 

B is honored to be in the running for the Colony Club.  She tells Servant Lady that she wants a perfect future, Chuckless.  Then she gets a text from Chuck’s uncle, saying that he found C and they’re headed home. 

 

KJ tells SE that she can handle high school after all the adult stuff she’s been through.  Then she admits she’s a little nervous.  Nelli Yuki is happy KJ is back.  The chickadees immediately reprimand Nelli Yuki for talking to KJ.  SE points out that Nelli Yuki is the new old KJ.  He warns KJ to not get involved.

 

Evil Uncle Jack is H. O. T.  He finds B and SL on a sidewalk and pulls C out of a limo, all disheveled and pale.  B orders SL to go home.

 

Upon arriving at school, RR wants to make a plan with DD for later because they missed the holidays together and RR has no friends and needs to hang out with his son to feel wanted and liked.  DD goes to class and RR gets a call from an adoption agency in Boston.  The lady says that they have no record of the adoption he described and suggests he talk to the birth mother.  He says he was going to do that because he’s been looking in Boston all week and found nothing.  Let me reiterate: he skipped the holiday celebration with his own children to look for a child he does not know.

 

DD and SS meet up.  She’s tan and newly single, having dumped Uber Pretentious Aaron three hours into the fifteen hour flight.  There goes the Mile High Club points.  Unless they had break up sex.  She got an email from her mom that said JL and RR would never be together, so she waited in Buenos Aires to decide if she should be with Downer Dan again.  DD feels the same way she does and so now they’re back together.  Jeez.  They mack it—the two original tools become one again.  At least UPA won’t be around anymore, touting his unfortunate facial hair and manipulation skills.

 

B and SS embrace in the hallway at school.  B says C was so messed up and admits she told him she loved him.  SS thinks that’s great but B insists it’s not.  Then DD shows up and B goes to vomit.  Me, too.

 

JudgyLily finds RR in the Poor Art Gallery.  He wants to know where the child is and then bemoans the Boston adoption agencies.  She says it was a boy and she gave up her rights to look for him. RR says it’s not fair because he’s a father, not a rock star, and deserves to know his other son. 

 

At a coffee and yogurt shop, the Chickadees torture Nelli Yuki while KJ and SE watch on as if it’s a scene from The Hills.  RandomGirlPenelope makes her clean her shoe and KJ intervenes.  She tells RG to be nice.  RG says sure, and then drops yogurt on her own shoe again to make Yuki clean it again.  KJ pulls Yuki away.  RG orders DroopyHazel to clean it.

 

B finds C smoking the reefer in the school courtyard.  She wants to know if he has something to say to her.  He stares blankly and silently.  Then Head Mistress Quigley scolds him for smoking a giant joint.

 

RR walks in on DD and SS mackin it in the Poor House.  He wants SS to go home and never be there if he’s not there because he feels left out.  Before SS is even out of the room, he tells DD that it’s a big mistake to get back with her.  Because obviously, she’s gonna get pregnant and give up the baby for adoption and not tell DD and make him find out seventeen years later through a dossier of her life.

 

B goes with C to HMQ’s office to defend him.  EvilUncle comes in and C greets him because C doesn’t remember how his uncle brought him home in the rickshaw.  B wants to stand up for C anyway.  MHQ says that C was smoking pot and C corrects that it was hash. B says that legally C would be found temporarily insane, so if a court couldn’t convict him, they can’t either.  So then C pulls out another joint for the walk home and EU asks what kind of suspension will be involved.

 

RR plays 90s depression rock during the Poor Humphrey Breakfast.  Where are the waffles?  KJ loves SS and is happy she and DD are back together.  In fact, I think KJ wants to date SS herself.  DD knows that RR hates SS because of JL and doesn’t understand why RR can have input on DD’s relationship but DD can’t comment on RR’s.  Actually, DD, that’s right—you DON’T get to comment because that’s your father, an adult, and as your father, he has every right to approve or disapprove of your relationships and you don’t get to have a say about his.  However, in DD’s defense, rarely do the parents play the parent role so I’ll let the snotty tool comment (You’re not gonna walk me to school today?  I’m heartbroken!) slide.  Plus, it’s Hil. Air. Eee. Us.

 

BTW—What’s up with RR’s too tight turtleneck collection?

 

At school, KJ brings her defense case for Yuki to B, saying that it’s not cool that the Chickadees broke Yuki’s glasses. RG says that if Yuki leaves the group without hassle, the Chickadees will be finished.  B says that she’s hosting the Colony Club and she doesn’t care about the Yuki nonsense.  RG goes a little nutso, suggesting Yuki leave the group in a body bag, and even DroopyHazel calls her out on it.

 

SS and DD bemoan their star-crossed forbidden cursed love.  B approaches so DD leaves.  B tells her about C’s hash smoking.  SS says C always disappears but then comes back.  B says this time, C is different.  SS suggests they wait until nighttime and then if he’s still missing, they’ll look for him. Because looking for a missing person is always better in the dark.  Then SS has to run to class.  Since when is SS so concerned with getting to class on time?

 

SE, KJ, and Yuki are sitting at the Chickadee’s table at the coffee yogurt place.  Since when do they have a table there?  Where IS this place?  Then a shitload of people come in and KJ tells them all to sit wherever they like.  RG swears to get KJ.  She calls her dad and says that she’s being bullied and that he should report it to HMQ.

 

B finds C at the burlesque club that he bought back the night before.  She tells him to go home and he says he has no home and he’s hosting a party.  He wants her to let go of her fantasies and asks if she’s going to profess her love again.  She storms out.

 

DD arrives at the Poor House with SS to rummage through RR’s stuff.  She finds a ring and thinks RR proposed to JL who denied him and that’s why RR is angry.  DD says that it’s his mom’s ring but the theory was a good one.  Then SS gets a text from B and leaves.  DD finds RR’s Map of Boston Adoption Agencies.  DD calls the number and hears adoption and then thinks RR is giving him up for adoption.  Okay, not really.

 

B arrives home and cries in her mirror without tears.  She then grabs her own neck and stiffens up.  She’s okay again.

 

KJ is in trouble at school because the Chickadees claimed she was bullying them.  Then Yuki babbles about the secrets she knows about the Chickadees.  Information that could have been helpful yesterday, Nelli Yuki.

 

DD confronts RR about Boston.  RR asks if Chuck Bass said anything to DD.  Man, this is just pathetic.  DD is appalled that C knows something about the Humphrey family that DD does not know.  RR says that now isn’t the right time for DD to know and refuses to give up any information.

 

SS meets B but B has pulled herself together.  SS says B is all C has.  B insists upon hosting the Colony Club.  SS says they need to help C if he’s in trouble.  Umm, wasn’t SS the one who said that B shouldn’t worry and they should wait on it?  B says that she’s saving her own life instead of worrying about C.  GOOD FOR YOU, BLAIR!!!!!  SS could learn something here.  Instead, SS gives B a condescending shake of the head before getting on the elevator to leave.

 

DD goes to C’s club to ask about RR and JL.  DD babbles about artists and orphans.  C says he was going to keep JL’s secret but since they’re even, he tells DD that JL and RR had a love child and RR just found out.  The last person to tell would be SS and even C wouldn’t share a sibling with a lover.  Yes, even C has boundaries.

 

B sucks up to the Colony Club in her living room.  They ask B about the company she keeps.  They don’t approve of SS’s cleavage on Page Six.  They’re happy Father Slime died.  They think C is an abomination.  B tells them that the Van der Woodsens are kind and that she needs to go help C.  She says that the Colony Club is just like high school.

 

C meanders around the club in a haze.  SE shows up to tell him to come home.  C says it was nice to having SE as a little brother.  Awwwwwwww!  I KNEW C loved SE like a brother.  C says he’s going to check out things from higher up.  SE goes outside when he gets a text from KJ.

 

The Chickadees are threatening to ruin KJ and KJ spills all the rumors about them that she’s going to send to Gossip Girl if they don’t back down.  RG thinks KJ wants back into the group to go to the Collegiate Party and KJ says she doesn’t care and is doing a good deed.  The Chickadees are bored and walk away.  Yuki is upset because she thought KJ was going to take over the Chickadees in a new regime, and then Yuki runs after RG because she did all this because she wants to go to the party.  KJ goes to get hot chocolate with SE.  Hey, umm, where’s Jonathan and what did he have to say to SE last episode?

 

RR arrives at JL’s to say that DD knows.  JL wants to know what her kids will think of her.  She says she was heart broken and scared and not ready and has had a hole in her ever since she gave up their kid.  RR doesn’t hate her and neither will her kids, but he needs time.  Six months to six years, perhaps? (awesome memory if you get that!).

 

DD finds SS at C’s club.  DD wants to tell SS what he found out. 

 

EvilUncle finds B at the party.  He’s drinking and boasting that his family really can throw a party.  She says EU isn’t a great influence.  SE, being half hugged by EU, tells them that C is taking in the view from above.  EU thinks C’s upstairs.  B says he knows nothing about C and that C has a penchant for rooftops.

 

C is singing to himself as he skips along the edge of the roof.  He drops his glass and it smashes in slow motion on the sidewalk.  He says, oops.  He could be next.  Is this karma?  He tried to rape KJ on a rooftop so now he bites it on a rooftop?

 

EvilUncle calls out, CHUCK! when he and B get on the roof.  C teeters on the edge.  B calls EU an idiot and says that you can’t surprise someone standing on a ledge.  B needs to write an advice book.  EU tells C to come down because his father wouldn’t want this.  C says he knows what his father didn’t want—him.  He yells out, I’m Chuck Bass!  Then he whispers, Who cares?

 

B runs over and says she cares.  She can’t take it if he leaves.  She tells him he can’t do anything to himself because he’d be doing it to her.  She reaches out her hand.  He looks at it.  Then C gives her his hand.  He squeezes.  Then he climbes down and buries his head in her neck.  He apologizes.  She soothes him, saying it’s okay.  I melt.

 

DD starts to tell SS outside of the club the big news but then gets a call from RR.  RR says that he and JL are going in search of their child.  WHAT THE????  When the hell did that happen?  How can they simply up and leave like that?  RR instructs DD to keep the secret from SS because that’s something between Mother and Daughter.  Which is great when Mother is going away and can’t tell Daughter until she gets back, possibly with the secret in tow.  Also, in this case, it’s something among Mother, Daughter, Step-Son, deceased Husband, ex-Lover, and Son.  And never mind telling SE and KJ.  Can we say “bad parenting?”

 

B tells EU to take C back to the Van der Woodsen place.  EU says C will be better with him.  B doesn’t trust EU and says that C cannot find out about New Year’s.  EU smirks and goes away in the limo with C while B gives them the death stare.

 

DD tells SS that RR is going away.  She rubs DD’s face.

 

JL and RR load up into her car, beginning the long-overdue search for their lovechild, leaving two of their children completely in the dark about where they’re going and with no supervision at home.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Musings

Waaaaaaaaaa–No New Episodes Until Next Year

Highlights: What do we think may happen?

How sure are we that FatherSlime, aka Bart Bass, is dead?  We do not know what kind of accident he had.  We did not see a body.  We know he had a shitload of money and young female blood on his hands (figuratively–Chuck usually has the literal kind from all the deflowering he does, forceful and otherwise).  The private investigator who was with him before the accident, as I pointed out last week, was unscathed, and that’s left unexplained. 

Here’s a cool plot twist.  FatherSlime is alive and in hiding for whatever stupid reason he came up with–something like he was finally developing a genuine rapport with his only son so he had to stop that quickly and remain the crappy stoic father he’s been all these years.  So he fakes his own death.  JudgyLily immediately marries RockinRufus who forgives her for the super secret Granny told him (we’ll get to that ridiculousness in a second).  Then FatherSlime shows up alive and well, rendering JudgyLily a polygamist, a huge no-no in most socially elite circles.

Maybe Chuck is in on the faked death, and has left to live with his father in hiding, which is why he pushed SuicidalEric away and left Blair with only a note.  Then again, a date-rapey seventeen year old with a penchant for fine whiskey may not be capable of pulling off that kind of torturous, heart-breaking charade of single-teardom.

JudgyLily’s super secret sounds super dumb.  Super uber dumb.  They couldn’t come up with anything better than “was it a boy or a girl?”  Maybe the “it” isn’t a person.  Maybe RockinRufus is asking about a puppy she drowned, and he was using personification because he’s deep and musical.  The “it” may be a person, but perhaps a person she killed or maimed or kept as a sex slave.  Alas, I have a feeling “it” is indeed a love child.  A commenter on NYMag’s blog suggested that Jonathan, SuicidalEric’s ex-boyfriend, is the love child.  That?  Would be awesome.  I don’t think it will happen, unless the writers aren’t sure who it is and read that blog and decide it’s a really good idea. 

SluttySerena nor Suicidal Eric can be the love child.  The timing wouldn’t make sense.  DownerDan nor KleptoJenny can be the love child since they came out of Alison, not JudgyLily.  LongLostVanessa cannot be the love child because she’s a little too funky, so while RockinRufus could be in her DNA, JudgyLily, no matter how hip she claims she was, cannot.  UberPretentiousAaron’s ex-uberpretentious-girlfriend could be the love child, but I don’t think she’s coming back on the show since DownerDan didn’t sleep with her so that’s out of the question. 

Maybe a foreign exchange student will appear at school and that will just so happen to be the love child.  Hey, this is interesting.  DownerDan and SluttySerena will get together when UberPretentiousAaron gets bored of pretending to be in love with SluttySerena and dumps her.  Then they will both find out that their parents have a love child, and they will find out that RockinRufus has forgiven JudgyLily and they are getting married after all.  Which means that DownerDan and SluttySerena will be step-siblings dating one another, and will each share the same half-sibling.  Now if they have babies, then their babies will somehow be related already but not quite. 

Then KleptoJenny will have more temper tantrums because there’s another child involved that takes attention away from her.  SuicidalEric may succeed in committing suicide after realizing what a ridiculous family he’s part of, especially after his own mother left him for the holidays.  LongLostVanessa will also commit suicide, seeing as how she cannot get RockinRufus to love her no matter how much time she spends hanging around the Poor Art Gallery And Cafe in her Forever 21 gear.

Where has Chuck gone?   Spending his time boinking flight attendants from plane to plane?  Living out of his limo?  To a dark, dark place?

Boring Nate.  Boring.  But so pretty.  He will be relieved when LongLostVanessa commits suicide because he will realize how slumming isn’t really the way he wants to live after all.

Blair will never get over Chuck, and she will pine away until he returns from said dark place.  However, she will never feel horrible about herself again because PapaCy is there to put NastyMom in her place.  I still think PapaCy and NastyMom may run into the Humphrey-van der Woodsen love child on their honeymoon.  She will take all her anger and sadness out on the chickadees.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 13: Oh Brother Where Bart Thou?

Bye  Bye Father Slime

 

Highlights:  The paler ChuckSlime gets, the darker his soul, and the sexier he becomes.  So.  Very.  Sexy.  And nothing else matters.  Aside from SluttySerena becoming as toolish if not more than DownerDan and UberPretentiousAaron when she screams at Chuck during his own father’s funeral.  Yeah, that happens.

 

FatherSlime, AKA Bart Bass, is dead.  Everyone at the van der Woodsen / Bass residence is wearing black except for SuicidalEric who’s in hospital attire.  Granny is drunk.  SluttySerena is in a sexy slip.  They think JudgyLily is mourning by making lists and possibly moving into The Palace with ChuckSlime.  She wants comfort food, not a tuna tower, so she goes for a walk to get away from the hot kitchen.

 

Blair and PapaCy are eating breakfast in awkward silence.  NastyMom likes the picture of FatherSlime in the paper.  Blair laments that CS won’t answer his phone.  PC encourages B to eat more, more, more.  Ah, what a refreshing change from NM urging her to puke even on an empty stomach.  B’s appalled that NM is talking about her honeymoon, but PC explains that in death there’s life, or something to that affect.

 

DownerDan arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  She thanks him for being a rock since FS passed away.  Does anyone really say that?  “Thanks for being a rock”?  They both think it feels natural that he’s around to be a rock.  Again, rock?  Tool, yes.  Rock?  Sounds stupid. 

 

UPA arrives at SS’s to check on her while she wears excessive jewelry around her neck.  Do you see a pattern developing?  She tells them that she’s going to the funeral with her family. She will meet them both there.  What is this, prom?  Like they’re silently fighting over who gets to take her to the graveyard?

 

RockinRufus is apparently JL’s idea of comfort food.  She meets him in the park for a walk.  She feels guilty about FS’s dying.  He tells her not to blame herself and that it’s okay.  She has a voicemail from FS but hasn’t listened to it yet.  RR says he’ll listen.  Sure, and then he’ll erase it before JL gets to hear it a la LongLostVanessa’s slick move with BoringNate’s letter to KleptoJenny.  Then RR vows to wait for JL anywhere from six months to six years.  As they chat it out, Granny, who has followed JL, watches.

 

ChuckSlime looks strung out and evil.   Oh, man, I’m feeling that in my tinglies.  You know, I’m tired of calling him ChuckSlime.  He’s taken his angst and highjinx to a new level this season.  Chuck is now Chuck.  Simply Chuck.  Chuck meets the private dick and bargains for the info that FatherSlime had wanted when they got into the accident.  Wait a second.  Was the detective in the car with FS when he was in the fatal accident?  Because the detective doesn’t have a scratch on him.  Anyway, Chuck says that his father is dead because of JudgyLily.  He goes to bury his father.  Is it wrong that grief is sexy?

 

JL listens to the voicemail: FS didn’t even care that she was going behind his back to talk to RR; FS knew why JL was in the hospital in France.  Dun dun DUN!!!

 

DD and UPA wait on the church steps for SS.  Both get texts from SS and they bicker about why UPA got his second.  The van der Woodsen limo arrives and SS hugs DD first.  SE finds KJ who appeared out of nowhere and asks if she’s seen Jonathan because even though they’re not together, he was hoping he’d be there.

 

Granny asks JL if RR will be making an appearance since his kids are there.  Then she says she saw JL with RR in the park.  Because she’s a stalker mom.

 

Chuck is drunk on alcohol, madness, and bloodlust.  B and BoringNate are holding him up and B is instructing him to lift his knees and move foward.  BN thinks C showing up is a bad idea, but B insists that he needs to show up at his father’s funeral.  She offers to make C throw up.

 

JL thanks DD for being at the funeral.  Then from over the hilly graveyard comes Chuck, flipping out.  He bellows, What are you doing here?  DD immediately gets high and mighty, catching an attitude with the boy whose father has passed.  B explains that Chuck is loaded.  SS jumps in to defend DD, saying that DD has been more helpful these past few days than Chuck has.  What the?  See?  T. O. O. L. Granny says that Chuck doesn’t have to make sense today.  Not often do I agree with Granny; here, she’s right.  JL tells C he needs to be with his family.  C says, I have no family.  Mmmmm, he’s so pale and disheveled.  Mmmmmm.

 

In the poor part of town, RR strums his guitar, beginning the long six month to six year wait for JL.  DD comes home, reporting that he was kicked out of the funeral.  Chuck said that DD’s father killed C’s father.  DD wonders if RR thought of going to the funeral.  RR says that wouldn’t be okay.  Then DD says he and SS are friends only even thought they’ve been hanging out a lot lately.  RR says good and DD over-analyzes and questions why his being just friends with SS is so good for RR.  Of course, RR is looking at the big picture of six months to six years, and does not want step-siblings hooking up because that would be step-incest and JL might judge that and dump him again.

 

B and BN try to make C eat at the funeral. Actually, B is the one trying to help while BN stands by all pretty and quiet.  C leaves and BN says B is maternal.  She says she’s been hanging out with PapaCy too much and is turning Jewish.  Heh heh. 

 

PapaCy tells NM that funerals make him think of death too much.  He wants to get married tomorrow instead of waiting.  B buts in and says no way because she was all for their marriage only if she’s away at college and not involved.  NM thinks it’s romantic.  KJ comes out of nowhere again and offers to make NM a wedding dress by 7 AM because she owes her an all-nighter and wants to make amends.  Really?  As much as KJ was wrong in turning her back on everyone, she really doesn’t owe NM anything considering NM took credit for KJ’s designs. 

 

UPA wants SS to go to Buenos Aires with him for the holidays.  She needs to take care of her family.  UPA thinks she wants to stay for DD.  He says that trip is his gift to her and her coming can be her gift to him.  She says, But I bought you a book.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  That?  Was awesome.  I bought you a plane ticket so you bought me a book.  Classic.  She’s left to think about it.

 

Granny pulls JL aside to ask what Chuck knows about JL and RR.  JL says that Chuck has already told what he knows.  Granny insists that JL go find Chuck.  Then Granny gets a call, gets mean, and goes downstairs to meet someone.

 

Jonathan shows up to talk to SE.  Aww, young love.

 

Chuck is tearing through files, looking more and more like a neurotic vampire.  He tells JL she should be worried.  He refuses to look at her because she disgusts him because she disrespected the family by hanging out with RR the poor man.  She blames Chuck for making his father get in the car and for meddling.  He says the blood is on her hands so she smacks him across the face to show that her hands have no blood at all.  She immediately apologizes.  He says when he gets his money, he’ll disappear.

 

Chuck goes to leave downstairs, and SE tries to stop him.  SE says that he’s buried his step-father and doesn’t want to lose his brother.  Chuck says, We’re not brothers.  Oh.  Knife to my heart.  That’s so sad because Chuck was the only one who treated SE like a person when SE was still suicidal and just came out.  They really were brothers and their relationship has been so endearing.  So sad!

 

Chuck heads out and B follows even though BN tells her not to.  The writers have really made BoringNate out to be a really bad friend in times of need.  Sure, he’s there, but he’s not doing anything. 

 

Granny tells JL that she found out that the super secret about JL is in enemy hands and they should sell the info to the highest bidder.  JL thinks it’s the worst time to let the super secret come out.  Granny says it’s the best time to reveal the super secret.

 

B finds C on the street and wants to go with him.  She wants to be there for him.  He tells her she’s not his girlfriend.  She says that he’s him and she’s her.  Then she says—and she must be reading my recaps to say this—they are ChuckAndBlair, BlairAndChuck.  She will stand by him through anything.  He asks why and she says, Because I love you.  Oh. My. God.  SHE SAID IT!  She said I LOVE YOU.  He says, That’s too bad, and leaves in the limo.  Nooooooo!

 

SS tells DD that UPA invited her to Buenos Aires.  I have no idea where they are or why they’re walking in the rain.  He says she should pack a bikini.  She goes back to the conversation they never finished at the Snowflake Ball and how neither of them wound up sleeping with the UberTools.  She wants him to tell her not to go with UPA, but DD refuses to tell her what she should do. Then he mumbles really quickly and leaves.

 

At home, PapaCy tells B that they are family.  She says that C is as soulless as ever even after she admitted she loves him.  Then she cries.  PC says that C needs time.  They hug.  Then B asks for more hugging.  Finally, B has a parent who treats her lovingly.

 

Granny haunts JL some more, asking what JL’s going to do about loving RR.  JL has tried to fight it, but she can’t stop loving him.  SS overhears, realizes why C was so upset.  Then for no apparent reason, she points out that FatherSlime is dead.  JL reminds her that she stopped being with RR so SS could be with DD.  SS says that UPA asked her to go to Buenos Aires and she’s going to go…if that’s okay with JL.  Nice way of sort of asking permission.  JL is happy to let her go off to a foreign land with someone she barely knows.  SS tells JL to be with RR.

 

DD finds KJ in her room at the Poor House.  She’s steaming NM’s outfit.  She tells DD that if he plays the game, he’ll get the girl.  She orders him to carry the garment bag so that he can come along to NM’s wedding and see SS there.

 

JL calls RR to ask him to go away for the holidays since the kids are all away somewhere.  Wait a minute.  Where’s SuicidalEric going to be?  The Humphrey kids are going to their mom’s and SS is going abroad, but what about SE?  Nice one, JL.  And nice not to care about C, even though he hates you.  Such a bad parent.  RR can’t wait six months to six years, so he agrees to go with JL.

 

The private dick brings C the super secret information because C is the only bidder.  Granny told the detective that she was going public with the info, but he doesn’t believe it.  C doesn’t know if he should buy the info if it’s going to be public anyway.  Private Dick tells him to make a wise decision since he’s going to be the richest kid in New York.

 

At the Waldorf house before the wedding, SS tells UPA she’s going away with him.  KJ and DD arrive.  DD says he carried the garment bag—an OBVIOUS reference to Dirty Dancing’s Baby saying she carried a watermelon.  UPA checks on PC.  DD tells SS he doesn’t want her to go with UPA.  She says that JL and RR are in love and she can’t ask JL to stop loving RR a second time when things between SS and DD never work out.  Then B interrupts to get SS’s fashion advice.  SS hugs DD and says she’ll be in touch post-holiday.

 

Chuck meets with JL, saying he can’t believe she’s going to go public with her super secret.  She says it’s Granny’s decision.  He says Granny lied.  She begs him not to turn his back on the people FatherSlime didn’t trust.

 

NM and PC get married.  UPA and SS hold hands at the ceremony.  B tears up.  Servant Lady smiles and gets teary eyed.

 

MUSICAL MONTAGE!  The wedding ends with laughter and clapping. DD walks the streets depressed and brooding.  Chuck burns the super secret info.  JL removes her ring.  RR wears a too-tight turtleneck as he packs his guitar .  B laughs as champagne is poured.  PC toasts to the Waldorf-Rosens.  B finds C in her room and snaps at him for a second but he’s completely broken so she cradles him and he falls into her and he’s so lost.  Swooooon.

 

RR busily scribbles a note at home.  No doubt, this is how he’s informing his children about his going away for the holidays and have a good Christmas and all without making sure they get to their mom’s or anything.

 

ETA: I was right about the note.  Upon pausing my DVR, I could see what it said.  It’s written in that dad-like all-caps handwriting except for when he’s writing the closing.

 

Dear Dan and Jenny,

I’m going out of town for a few days.  Don’t worry–it’s all good and when I return hopefully we’ll have lots to talk about.  Your mom is expecting you tomorrow and is going to pick you up at the train.

Have a great holiday.

Love you gu

 

This?  Is bad parenting.  Don’t worry it’s all good?  What middle-aged man says that?  Certainly not one who wears too-tight turtlenecks (although I have to admit he is a hottie).  Have a great holiday?  Like he has to be politically correct towards his children.  Dude, it’s okay to say Merry Christmas when you know your offspring don’t bask in the glow of Kwanzaa candles.

 

Granny arrives in Poor Brooklyn.  She wants JL to be happy.  He doesn’t want Granny to come between him and JL.  Granny says the problem is that JL’s in love with RR and they can never be together if JL holds onto her super secret.

 

UPA decides that the first time he and SS sleep together will be on the airplane.  They cuddle in the limo with a neck pillow.

 

RR broods in the dark Poor House when DD arrives home from his brooding walk.  DD sarcastically thanks RR for not telling him that RR and JL are in love again.  RR says that SS doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that the note and the packing mean nothing because RR isn’t going anywhere.

 

DD calls SS.  She doesn’t want to answer the phone in front of UPA.  He says she can because he knows she still has some feelings for DD and he wants her to work them out because UPA is falling in love with her.  She ignores the call and macks it with UPA.  Omigod, she fell for that.  The only reason he said that was so she wouldn’t answer the phone.

 

ANOTHER MUSICAL MONTAGE!  UPA and SS mack it.  B and C spoon on her bed.  JL waits in Grand Central with her bags for RR.

 

RR arrives in Grand Central with an angry frown.  He storms up to JL and says: Tell me one thing—was it a boy or a girl?  That’s it?  She was pregnant and got an abortion, no doubt forced to by Granny? That’s the super secret?  I was hoping she was a hermaphrodite or something.

 

Back to B’s house.  She’s now alone with only a note:

 

I’m sorry for everything.

 

You deserve much better.

 

Don’t come looking for me.

 

Chuck

 

Nooooooooooooo.  Not my ChuckAndBlair!!!!!!!!!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 12: It’s A Wonderful Lie

Dopplegangers!

 

Highlights: JudgyLily decides to chuck Father Slime; ChuckSlime and Blair get together only as clones; Another tool joins the box; the love rhombus with KleptoJenny, LongLostVanessa, and BoringNate reshapes and reshapes and reshapes

 

Gossip Girl’s Guide To Surviving A New York City Winter: Cashmere sweater for ice skating, gourmet hot chocolate for window shopping, and a perfect date to the Senior Snowflake Ball.  One of these things is not like the others, but sure sounds like fun.

 

Blair can’t wait to see the creme de la creme of the ball attendants.  Slutty Serena has no time to think about it.  ChuckSlime disapproves of all the guys who want to bring Blair because he’s in love with her. Aw.  True love is hating every guy who wants to bone the girl who has your heart.

 

SluttySerena literally runs into DownerDan and shows him all the profound books she’s bought at one of those poor people used book shops.  She’s not reading them herself.  She’s giving them to UberPretentiousAaron for Hanukah.  Ouch; nice to use the knowledge from one relationship to benefit another and never use it yourself.  UPA can’t go to the Snowflake Ball, but SS is still going to go because she likes Anna Karenina.  DD wants to go, too, and they’ll both be going solo.  They will hang out together at the ball, and UPA will have no problem with it because he’s friends with his own ex.  Meaning he’s totally doing it with her.

 

LongLostVanessa arrives at The Poor House to find KleptoJenny rearranging RockinRufus’s vinyl by genre because she has nothing better to do because she has no future anymore.  The one thing she can’t stop thinking about is BoringNate.  LLV suggests KJ move on.  Then LLV’s phone rings.  It’s BN of course.  LLV goes to leave for the gallery so she can quickly return his call.  She bumps into RandomGirl on her way out.  Here’s the priceless exchange:  “Oh hello weird documentary girl” “Goodbye sad wannabe Blair.”  How much do I love this show?

 

RandomGirl wants to commission a dress from KJ for the Snowflake Ball.  The chickadees keep biting off her.  KJ hates her but gets to overcharge for her designs so she agrees.

 

RR finds JudgyLily on the street outside The Ball.  She hasn’t spoken to FatherSlime since Thanksgiving and doesn’t plan to until the New Year.  RR may go to the dance but isn’t sure he wants to.  Then he runs away when  FS shows up wanting to talk.

 

At the Poor Gallery, UPA’s uber pretentious ex is mocking all the art.  SS and DD show up and can we feel the tension, people?  I love it when exes meet exes. 

 

Meanwhile, BN is slumming it hardcore yet again by mackin it with LLV.  He wants her to go to the Snowflake Ball.  That’s the gayest date request I’ve ever heard.  She hesitates and he realizes that LLV hasn’t told KJ about them.  I guess that means that they’re an item.  BN doesn’t want to come between friends, but he insists that KJ blew him off and doesn’t care.  He says he’s happy with being with LLV.  By default.  She tells him to reign in his horses before they make the front page of Gossip Girl.

 

RandomGirl asks KJ what the story is between her and BN because she wants to ask him to The Ball.  Then she reminds KJ that the Upper East Side is way better and richer than Brooklyn so there was no way things would work out with KJ and BN.  Then they both get a text blast from GG—a picture of BN mackin it with LLV.  It’s a real close up, too.  Seriously, these people need to be a little more aware of their surroundings.

 

JL doesn’t like that FS has shown up at a school function to talk to her.  He’s fired his private investigator and promises to try to not control her or the kids because he realizes that he’s a sucky husband.  He vows to change in time for The Ball.  She leaves without answering him.

 

SS complains to UPA that his ex is too protective of him.  Meanwhile, his ex is being uber pretentious towards DD at the Poor Cafe Bar in the Poor Gallery.  She wants gourmet stuff and DD practically hands over some DunkinDonuts.  Wow, another tool in the mix.   DD agrees to give UPEx a tour of Brooklyn.  UPA agrees to go to the Snowflake Ball.  They all agree to be tools. 

 

At the Poor House, LLV arrives all happy until KJ points out the text blast from Gossip Girl.  LLV says that KJ kissed BN behind her back first.  KJ says she felt guilty about it and backed off and calls LLV desperate.  LLV says she’s going to go to the Snowflake Ball with BN, dangit!

 

Now for my favorite part of the show—any scene with Blair and ChuckSlime, filled with sexual tension and true love without ever speaking of either.  ChuckSlime informs Blair that he must choose her date to the Snowflake Ball to prove he knows her better than anyone else.  She says she has to pick his date then.  Of course, this all turns into a bet.  Blair gets CS’s limo for a month if he likes his date.  He wants ServantLady if Blair likes hers.  Leave it to these two to put a person up as ante for a bet.

 

Oh, jeez.  Buzzkill.  The Tool Quartet is trolling around the city, discussing, well, who cares?  Something pretentious that SS has no clue about most likely.  UPEx wheedles a date out of DD so now all four are going to the Snowflake Ball together.  I didn’t think this would happen but I love it when opposite exes get together—that makes everything all that much more awkward.  In this case, however, it’s too much toolage.  Hang on—did UPA say that UPEx is bisexual?  Let’s leave it at a maybe for now because I’m too annoyed by the four of them to actually go back and find out for sure.

 

FS is leaving for a meeting in Miami, but first berates CS for opening the file safe.  Nice progress in their relationship.

 

KJ arrives at RG’s to discuss fashion.  The chickadees tell KJ that LLV sucks.  One of the chickadees tries on a dress to find out that it’s see-through.  Then KJ tells them that LLV is going to the ball with BN.  They plan to somehow make LLV wear the unlined dress, I think, but I have no idea how they’ll do that.

 

Blair chooses shoes from her closet while bragging to SS that she will so find the right date for CS.  SS says that seeing exes with others is awkward and that she found out UPEx “extends” herself to guys on a first date.  Oh, so she’s slutty like Serena, and not bisexual.  She wants to give DD the heads up.  Blair points out that guys don’t exactly care and DD doesn’t think about SS having sex with UPA.  SS hasn’t slept with UPA, though.

 

KJ comes to the Poor Cafe and Gallery to deliver the see-through dress to LLV.  She calls it a peace offering.  LLV agrees to try it on.

 

Blair is crucifying ServantLady because they can’t find the perfect date for CS.  SL joined Facebook to find the girls, but it’s not working.  Blair describes herself to describe his perfect date, but it can’t be her.  SL doesn’t want to shine CS’s shoes for a month and Blair says, “His shoes if you’re lucky.”  OMG, total handjob reference.

 

DD calls SS as he walks down the street, complaining about the price of renting clothes.  He asks if she’s okay with him going to the ball with UPEx and she says sure, which is a lie.  They hang up and SS thanks UPA for going with her to the ball.  Then she wants to thank him properly.  Meaning sleeping with him. 

 

LLV has the dress on and they agree it’s great.  LLV says that she’s always been jealous of KJ because growing up, KJ and DD had it all.  Then she tries to continue but BN calls and interrupts.  KJ leaves and LLV wants to talk to him in person.

 

JL calls home to tell FS that she’s waiting for him to go to the Snowflake Ball.  FS is in a meeting with the investigator FS said he’d fired.  She calls back to tell FS that her plans have changed—she’s not going to wait and he shouldn’t show up.

 

Snowflake Ball Time!!!!!  Ooh, really bad dancing!  The chickadees plan to play a particular song when LLV walks in and get DroopyHazel’s “new boyfriend” to shine his spotlight on LLV, exposing her underwear, ooh or lack thereof!, through the dress. RandomGirl asks BN to save her a dance.

 

Remember Natasha Liukin from the Summer Olympics (whose name I’m probably spelling incorrectly)?  Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure that’s her, hitting on Chuck Bass.  Blair cockblocks and asks where her date is.  She introduces him to Justine, a practical look-alike.  He brings out a practical-Chuck look-alike as Blair’s date.  Heh heh.

 

DD awkwardly dances with UPEx, who tells him that SS and UPA haven’t had sex because that’s typical first date conversation.  He says he doesn’t care.  He so does.

 

Blair and CS are not happy with the people they’ve been set up with.  Neither wants to concede.

 

JL shows up to the dance.  RR shows up to the dance.  I suppose they’re chaperones, but I think they feel as if it’s really their own dance because they both act like children.  They dance together when JL says she’s leaving FS for herself and wants nothing from him. 

 

DD and SS both stand in awkward solo poses in the middle of the room until they notice one another.  They talk about how they each seem to be having a good time.  He says he knows the plan for SS to sleep with UPA later.  She says there’s nothing to talk about, and she knows that UPEx plans on seducing DD.  He gets all Dan about it, overanalyzing and being a major tool.  Then they do weird innappropriate touching.  She thought sex meant something to DD.  He says he hasn’t had it in a while.  She gets frustrated with his tooldom and leaves.

 

LLV finds KJ at the dance and wonders why she’s there.  She sees BN behind her, wiping off his suit, but I don’t know if they had been talking.  LLV says she’s going to end things with BN.  She didn’t want to hurt KJ.  The chickadees are wondering when the big sheer reveal will happen.  LLV approaches BN who says she looks gorgeous.  She wants him to be quiet and look pretty as she breaks things off with him.  She’s never felt this way about anyone else and then shows him the letter she took away from KJ’s house and admits she stole it before KJ saw it.  Then she cries and tries to leave. 

 

That’s when the chickadees hit the spotlight and LLV’s all, well, actually, you can’t see a thing.  BN stands mesmerized.  Then he has a blank look on his face. Everyone cackles in slow motion echo except for KJ who offers her jacket and BN who looks on in indifference-bordering-some-sort-of-emotion.

 

BN pulls KJ aside to ask, Did you do that to Vanessa?, as if he’s a first grade teacher.  He says that LLV didn’t deserve public humiliation simply because LLV went behind KJ’s back and lied and ruined everything between her and BN.  He then shows the letter to KJ and says that he wrote it to tell her his true feelings and that LLV stole it and felt so bad that she confessed.  KJ knows that BN thinks she’s horrible.  BN is happy she didn’t get the letter because she’s not who he thought she was.

 

OMIGOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW.  CS and Blair are all ornery and they find the look-alikes making out.  Blair claps her hands at them and shouts, “Hey! Explain this!”  The CS wannabe has a higher-whisper voice, like CS’s, and explains that when CS and B walked off, he and Justine the B wannabe liked each other.  B gave Justine the headband.  Ha!  Dopplegangers can work it out, but the real thing won’t work.  Oh!  The agony!!!

 

JL feels horrible about having to leave FS and she never thought her life would turn out this way.  RR says something about her smiling and faking it.  She wants him to tell her something he shouldn’t.  He let her go on her wedding day because he wasn’t sure what he needed and wasn’t sure he could give her what she needed.  He’s full of regret for that decision.  CS sees them talking.  The ball is so not the appropriate place for this conversation. 

 

FS is in a limo with the detective who insists on finishing the job even though he’s been fired.  CS calls FS to tell him that JL is at the Snowflake Ball with RR and she’s figured something out.  FS asks the detective what he knows.

 

CS finds JL and admonishes her behavior now because she’s been good for the Bass family.  He says that FS is on his way. 

 

LLV is outside getting into a cab.  Wow, that took a long time to leave the ball.  BN runs after her and asks if she did anything more than steal his letter to KJ.  She says that was all.  He admits that when she walked away, he realized that she was the one he wants to be with.  Then they mack it. Again.  I really don’t like this—mostly because I don’t like BN with anyone because I want him to be with me because I’m a sucker for pretty boys, man bangs, and 23 year olds.

 

The chickadees accost KJ and scold her for trying to save LLV.  KJ can’t imagine why she wanted to be one of them and says LLV is ten times the person they will ever be. 

 

Everyone at the ball at this point is making out.  Except for B and CS.  He wants B to dance with her.  She says there’s no point because they’ll never be like that.  He says he would never change them if it meant losing what they have.  She wants to know what they have.  He says, “Tonight.”  Then they dance together and I go completely gaga all over again.  I heart ChuckAndBlair!!!

 

Then JL gets a restricted call on her cell. 

 

UPEx wants to leave with DD alone.  He doesn’t want to be rude and leave without the other tool duo.  SS wants to talk to DD alone so the other exes go to get separate cabs.  She apologizes for the way she acted earlier.  She doesn’t want him to do what he wants to do without her clearing the air.  He says it’s clear and doesn’t need an apology.  He’s happy they can both go with clean air.  Awwwkkkkkwwwwwaaaarrrrdddd silence.  Then he says that sleeping with her was the greatest night of his night.  She says it was hers, too.

 

JL runs up to SS looking for CS.  She says FS has been in an accident.  Which means we need to batten down the hatches for the most evil version of Chuck we’ve ever witnessed.  Which means my tinglies are in for quite a ride.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 11: The Magnificent Archibalds

Thank Goodness For Poverty

Highlights: The Captain goes felonious; Suicidal Eric learns the truth about judgment; LongLostVanessa and KleptoJenny make up, and so do BoringNate and ChuckSlime

 

Thanksgiving again!  We don’t have any flashbacks like last Thanksgiving.   Instead, GG is equating the destruction of an entire native culture with Blair’s need to move because of PapaCyrus.  B wants to have a perfect Thanksgiving this year even though GayDaddy isn’t coming.  SluttySerena tells her she can come but only for a while because UberPretentiousAaron, her non-boyfriend, is meeting the van-der-Woodsen-Bass clan.  B thinks that SS doesn’t like him since she’s showing him off.  SS doesn’t want to date anyone else, which is typical of girls who are dating boys who don’t want to be exclusive.

 

DownerDan shows up at school looking for KleptoJenny.  RockinRufus can’t find her anywhere.  SS says KJ has been spending time with SuicidalEric.  He tells SS to have a happy Thanksgiving.

 

Then BoringNate accidentally (wink wink) bumps into DD in the hallway.  Oh, to touch the ex-boyfriend but only for a second more.  ChuckSlime runs into BN but BN wants to brush him off, still distraught over losing all the loves of his life in one fell swoop.  The lesson here is clear: Don’t get yourself involved in a love rhombus.  BN chooses slumming over CS.

 

KJ and SE are finding out about how to divorce your parents.  KJ is surprised to hear that her parents will be notified.  The woman in charge explains it: They need to know you no longer want to be their child.  Heh heh.  Only one polysyllabic word in that explanation.

 

LongLostVanessa tells DD that she’s going to watch a German film and eat frozen turkey on Thanksgiving.  DD invites her to stay at the Poor House for the holiday but she doesn’t want to see KJ.  He says that KJ will be a no show.  LLV thinks KJ is having Thanksgiving with BN, but DD explains that BN doesn’t talk to KJ anymore.  RR comes in babbling about Tokyo, SketchyAgnes, and KJ.  He wants to call the cops.  DD says that KJ is with SE.  RR immediately calls JudgyLily and asks to speak to KJ.  JL says that KJ isn’t there.  RR says she’s been staying with SE.  Then JL finds KJ’s sewing machine which really isn’t all that hidden.

 

BoringMom is dragging BN through a hotel, telling him they’ve run out of options.  Then they drop in to Captain Ahab, who’s been in hiding.  His disguise: weird, old man facial peach fuzz and a fluffy sweater in lieu of a suit.  BN is angry that he’s been squatting while Captain Crunch has been livin’ it up in the Caribbean.  Captain wants them all to move to Domenica and they leave the decision up to BN.  Because once again, children should make adult decisions.  Then again, in reviewing the track record here, BN probably is the best qualified.

 

Speaking of bad parenting, RR and JL are taking a stroll along the water and the cold doesn’t seem to be affecting them even though it’s November in NYC (then again, RR walked from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side in a sweater while it was snowing, so it’s fitting). JL didn’t know that KJ was living at her place until today.  JL insists that she mediate between RR and KJ and that KJ stay with the van-der-Woodsen-Bass Clan for Thanksgiving because they are a family.  RR tells her to give KJ marshmallows. 

 

SS calls B and tells her that UPA is probably out with a girl.  B is baking. SS wants to make new traditions.

 

SE finds FatherSlime home early.  SE texts KJ not to come up and tells FS that things may not work out with Jonathan.  FS thinks Jonathan is schtupping the swim team captain.  SE finds CS to ask why FS would say that.  CS explains that FS has a dossier on everyone in the world.

 

SS is impressed with UPA’s romantic dinner.  He says she’s all he thinks of, especially when he’s hittin’ up other girls.  He’s now a one-woman man, most likely out of convenience.  She’s overjoyed and wants champagne.  He explains that he’s sober.  She says she used to party, but now she’s stone cold.  Because she changes who she is to be with the boy she likes.

 

FS and JL catch SE on his way out.  She calls him out on the whole KJ living there in hiding situation.

 

B finds PapaCy in the kitchen, eating her pie, and critiquing it.  She asks NastyMom why she’s letting PC ruin everything.  Heh heh. I love hyperbole.  NM says that PC made reservations at B’s favorite restaurant and B needs to get with the program.  B complains to Servant Lady.  SL shows B a ring that PC proposed to NM with and says that they’re going to tell everyone at Thanksgiving dinner.

 

JL tells KJ that she saw RR and they need to work things out because RR loves her.  KJ thanks her and goes to bed.  I don’t know how KJ suddenly goes deaf or beams herself out of earshot so quickly, but JL calls after her and she doesn’t hear.  So JL does what any normal person would do; she goes through KJ’s bag.  She finds the emancipation papers.

 

RR and DD are food shopping for Thanksgiving, which apparently not a busy holiday from the looks of the store.  DD tells RR he should actually tell KJ that he misses her.  They bump into UPA who lives around the corner, whom they’ve never bumped into before, and he says he’s picking up food for [dramatic pause].  DD says that he can hear her name. 

 

Now it’s a Convergence of All Things Tool as DD wants UPA to say hi to SS for him and then babbles on about FS and RR and JL and how it’s so complicated even though it was a full year ago and SS doesn’t like cheese and suggests wine.  UPA says that SS no longer drinks so DD sees that as a reason to bring up SS’s alcoholic binge when Georgina/Sara was in town.  Man, now I don’t know who’s douchier.

 

B complains to NM about not wanting to hear “the news” but NM refuses to admit to any “news” on the horizon.  B decides not to go to dinner.

 

BN bumps into LLV at the Poor Gallery and Café where she plans to get some paperwork done.  He’s dropping off The Pixies Boxset (really?  really) and he wrote a thank you note to RR, no doubt in girly handwriting.  He can’t take it to the Poor House because of the awkward aftermath of the love rhombus fallout.  He says that he’s alienated everyone he knows and tells LLV to take care.

 

SS barges into CS’s room fro a word and he tells her to hike up her dress.  No, it’s not a date rape moment, yet.  She wants him to promise not to tell UPA anything about her because she wants it to come out naturally.  CS could care less and goes to FS’s study.  UPA arrives miserable about the Georgina news and SS stumbles over her words to cover until she simply calls DD a liar and jealous.  Now she’s the tool.  The three of them deserve each other.

 

JL calls RR to order him to walk from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side again.  RR tells DD to tell LLV not to come because Thanksgiving is canceled.

 

LLV gets stopped on the street near the Poor Gallery.  Some guy wants to talk to her about BN.

 

CS and SE are opening FS’s safe.  Gold bars and files are inside.  LLV calls CS to tell him that BN’s in trouble with the FBI.  CS decides reluctantly to help and leaves SE to the files. 

 

B walks along with SL, scolding her that there’s nothing to be thankful for.  SL wants to feed the ducks.

 

JL tries to force SS to drink and SS reminds her that she’s only 17.  Good parenting.  Then UPA talks to JL about all the paintings in the house. 

 

SE is freaking out to KJ about the FS’s dossier on him.  KJ asks about SS’s and JL’s files.  Then she calls him “E.”  Since when is that his nickname? She can’t find her emancipation papers anywhere.  DD shows up and UPA asks why he lied about SS.

 

JL shows RR the emancipation papers. KJ catches them looking at her papers and is not too happy about it.

 

DD and UPA show up in SS’s room to confront her about who lied to whom.  DD lies and says that he lied to UPA and UPA says, That’s not cool man.  Omigod, I hate them all. Then UPA leaves and DD reminds her that the truth always comes out. In walks SE with everyone’s files of truth.

 

BN arrives at the Poor Gallery again to meet up with LLV, CS, and the FBI guy. They tell him that Oh Captain My Captain has been planning a kidnapping to get ransom money to live on and that he and his mom are the kidnappees.  BN is on the verge of tears.  CS says that the only way to end it is to turn the Captain and Tenille in.

 

KJ babbles about burned dresses.  RR says he misses KJ and is willing to let her go to get her back because he won’t stop loving her.  Um, NO NO NO NO NO.  Be a parent, dammit! She probably won’t be granted emancipation anyway since there’s really no neglect.  At least not until recently when RR gave up and turned to his guitar for solace.  She thinks he’s giving her a guilt trip and leaves.

 

JL confronts FS about the dossiers.  He wants to protect them all.  JL thinks it shows a lack of trust.  She drags her kids away because he’s not for family.

 

BN arrives at the Captain’s place to say that he knows about the kidnapping plan and loves him but can’t respect him.  He gives the Captain the option to get some sack and turn himself in or run away.  BN refuses to live in a mess. 

 

JL brings SE to a restaurant.  SS has gone off with her own file.  SE says he read JL’s file.  He can’t believe she didn’t tell him she was in an institution when she was 19 and that her telling him would have helped him when he was in the institution.  Let me say that again: JUDGY LILY WAS INSTITUTIONALIZED WHEN SHE WAS 19.  SE becomes the parent as usual and tells her she can talk about it when she’s comfortable with it. 

 

SS arrives at B’s dinner while B isn’t there.  She gives the file to UPA and says that DD didn’t lie and UPA can read all about SS’s indiscretions.  Then he can decide if he wants to be with her.  Then she tells NM where B is after texting her.

 

KJ bumps into B and SL on the street.  They both complain about their parents.  B says that RR will go anywhere for KJ and NM won’t do the same.  Then NM shows up, gives KJ a scarf, and tells B to come home to show her something.  They bring KJ home too.

 

Captain Kirk kisses BMom and hugs BN.  He turns himself in.  BMom cries.  BN whimpers.  Then they magically transport themselves to their condemned abandoned house where LLV and CS somehow know they’ll be.  They’re still squatting but now that Captain is no longer on the lam, they have their assets back.    BN tells LLV he hasn’t heard from KJ so now he’s available for her again.  Didn’t it not work out the first time because she lived in Brooklyn and it had nothing to do with KJ?  Nothing’s changed so why would it work now?  CS tells BN they’re going to go get drunk.

 

B comes home and finds GayDaddy there.  That’s the big surprise.  B thought NM and PC were getting engaged.  NM explains that she wanted GayD’s approval first because PC would be the step-dad for his daughter. 

 

RR and DD arrive at the Poor House and find KJ already there.  She loves RR too and wants to be part of the Poor Humphreys.  They all hug each other at once. Suddenly, it’s The Waltons.

 

UPA arrives at SS’s bedroom and doesn’t want to read the dossier.  He wants to hear it all from her in time.

 

JL comes over to the Poor House with SE to have dinner because that’s where real families go because only the poverty-stricken know what it’s like to really have to be thankful.  LLV arrives too.  She and KJ have an awkward moment, but now that LLV secretly has BN back, everyone can be friends again.  Hooray!  DD gives KJ her mail but RR pulls her away to eat marshmallows first.  On top of the stack of mail is BN’s letter, waiting to be read.

 

GG is thankful for a lot this year:

 

Rekindling old friendships, like CS and BN drinking in the limo.  Aww, it’s good to see the boyfriends together again.

 

New relationships of the tool variety like SS and UPA.

 

How close we get by being ourselves, like Gay Daddy finally being gay.

 

How you can always go home again, no matter how poor your home is.

 

Now FS wants to find out why JL was institutionalized and he makes a phone call to find out. 

 

LLV goes to call her parents.  She finds BN’s letter.  She reads it.  BN declares his caring for KJ.  LLV does what any good friend and confident would do to someone who is part of a family that has taken her in for the holidays—she gets rid of the letter immediately, thinking, Boring Nate is mine, bitch, mine mine mine!

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 9: There May Be Blood

Gorillas In Dresses and Some Tough Love

 

Highlights:  The Boring Nate-Downer Dan-KleptoJenny love triangle becomes a love rhombus when Long Lost Vanessa gets involved; ChuckSlime still hearts Blair and vice versa; RockinRufus knows what success is and doesn’t want it for his children

 

KleptoJenny and Agnes are busy making KJ’s new line.  Interesting how Agnes is still hanging around KJ seeing as how last time they hung out, Boring Nate swept KJ away.  Apparently, BN is now ignoring KJ after their passionate smooch on the sidewalk.  The two of them are trying to make clothes in time for something, but I’m not quite sure what.

 

Meanwhile, DownerDan is teaching BoringNate all about the poor part of town.  I suppose BN felt so guilty after kissing DD’s little sister that BN is now working even harder to keep his love affair with DD strong.  DD doesn’t understand why KJ is acting so secretive and BN says he has no clue why but of course he knows about the clothing line.  Then DD’s text goes off and it’s the girl that BN hooked up with at Yale when he was  pretending to be Dan.  DD is all jealous and wants to be BN.  DD is all down on himself, thinking that he won’t get a recommendation and BN tells him to cheer up buckaroo!  DD wants to be alone to brood silently so he suggested BN go talk to KJ.

 

Blair and SluttySerena are having tea with some woman from Yale who is ignoring Blair and wants to hear all about SS’s life in the limelight.  The woman leaves and SS keeps trying to hide her own light because that’s what she does for Blair but it’s not working.  SS tells B to stop cracking her knuckles.  The woman is going to order room service for her daughter and SS offers for B to take the daughter to a movie. 

 

Hold on.  The woman just said that her daughter would be fine with some ice cream and Harry Potter.  Then the daughter comes out and she’s, like, the same age as SS and B.  I was expecting a little girl in pig tails.

 

SS struts down the street and runs into Aaron.  They start talking about the caterpillar at camp and then Aaron says the girl on the motorcycle was a friend and that he recognized SS as soon as she stepped into the gallery.  SS starts to invite him to a gala where her mom is being honored and her brother is out of town (hopefully frolicking in a field with his boyfriend).  But before she finishes, some girl runs up and mack it with Aaron.  SS walks away.

 

DD and BN arrive at the Poor House in time for DD to judge KJ.  This time he has reason to judge.  She’s wearing one of those hats that you would put on a teddy bear.  It’s the size of a thimble.  It’s atrocious.  Agnes is trying to wheel out KJ’s line and DD catches them in the act.  The act of trying to design a clothing line?  Busted.

 

Blair is sitting for the Yale woman’s daughter and the daughter wants to go out and be devirginized with Bacardi and a boy.  B tells the girl to stop moving her mouth. HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  Has anyone else noticed how these people are the fastest talkers in the world?

 

DD can’t believe that KJ quit NastyMom’s and BN grumbles to defend KJ but DD tells him it’s none of his business.  Come on, DD, he’s her brother-in-law, practically.  KJ announces that they’re putting on a gorilla fashion show so they have to get to the zoo to fit the gorillas in time.  Tonight’s her one chance and BN stares on, moving his Adam’s apple dramatically.  DD goes off to think.

 

SS sits in her bed to moon over pictures of Aaron from camp.  B busts in to rat out the Yale lady’s daughter who wants to be deflowered or else she’ll ruin B’s reputation to the Yale people.  SS is all about herself and caring about the pictures.  She tells B to take the girl to the charity ball.

 

The daughter wants to go wherever Gossip Girl talks about on her blog.  B wonders where the glory is in doing a hipster.  She suggests she make Muffy the Rich Girl jealous by trying on outfits from SS’s closet and going out to a party.

 

DD arrives at the Poor Cafe to complain to Long Lost Vanessa about KJ.  She’s defending KJ, too, and doesn’t want to be lumped with BN because BN is DD’s friend, not hers.  Ooh, those are the words of a woman scorned.  I wonder how DD lives with himself knowing he’s got sloppy seconds.  LLV says that DD did the right thing in taking BN in even if BN hates her.  DD says that if LLV likes BN, she should tell him because BN is a likeable guy.  LLV finds it odd that DD will defend BN to the end while he’ll jump to condemn his own sister.  Love is blind.  Love is strange.  DD doesn’t want KJ to get into trouble and ruin her life.  Rockin Rufus shows up in time to hear the word mistake.

 

ChuckSlime bumps into Emma the Yale daughter and she’s all giddy and calls him the devil.  He reveals that the gala is all old people.  She wants him to take her for a ride.  He sends a box to SS and agrees to take her out.

 

B and SS get ready and the servant gives the box to SS.  It’s a licorice ring.  Aaron had left it for her with the consierge.

 

Back in Brooklyn, KJ berates BN for trying to offer advice and for not talking to her since they macked it on the sidewalk.  BN says it’s complicated.  She says that if he cares about her, he should go with her.  He says maybe he should drive.  So they get into the van and go.  RR, LLV, and DD see the van drive off and try to make it stop because they think even poorer people are kidnapping BN.

 

Meanwhile, CS is in the date rape limo with Emma the Yale daughter.  She’s all over him.  This is gonna be the easiest date rape ever.

 

Hours later, SS and B are texting CS and SS put out an APB on Gossip Girl.  CS commes in complaining that the girl tried to rape him.  B scolds him for trying to deflower another virgin in the back of his limo—she’s more upset because that was her own scenario, not because she won’t get into Yale because of it.  He says that the back of the limo is one of the few things sacred to him, which obviously makes B feel better about having popped her cherry there, and that right there shows the love between the two of them.  He says Emma ran away.  SS gets a text that Emma was at a bar.  SS doesn’t want to help B because she has to go to the charity thing but B makes SS come out anyway.

 

BN and KJ arrive at the charity gala and BN wonders if KJ might be showing her fashions to the wrong crowd because everyone there is friends with his mom.  She explains that all the wealthy people will be there to fund her line.  She gives him a suit to wear so he can fit in with the crowd.  He stares at the suit as she walks away.

 

B, SS, and CS arrive at the bar where Emma should be.  B doesn’t want to hear SS complain about an albatross.  They find Emma in a booth with some guy.  B calls Emma tacky.  Some guy pulls SS aside to set up her table and Emma bolts again because she’s the fastest girl alive.

 

KJ goes into the ball and sees a sign with JudgyLily and FatherSlime’s picture.  She realizes who the ball is for and is dismayed.  When the door guy asks for her name, she becomes uber slick and says Erica Van Der Woodsen but sometimes they leave off the A.  Smart smart smart.  She says her parents are the guests of honor.  Really, when did she get to be so clever?  JL finds KJ and KJ awkwardly congratulates her.  JL asks who she’s there with and BN arrives in time, saying he invited KJ.  KJ tells BN that she’s about to ruin the night of the only rich people who have been nice to her but she has to go through with it.  BN starts kissing her mid sentence, and some tweeny bopper takes a picture of them.  She says, You kissed me.  He says, I know.  Wow, romance.  He doesn’t regret anything and then she walks away as he lets out another one of those sighs.

 

B and SS are still in the bar and B blames SS for ruining B’s chances at Yale again.  CS interrupts the argument to point out Emma in a corner booth.  Oh, wait, not Emma, but Emma’s mom.  In the booth with a man who isn’t Emma’s father.  As the lady macks it with the stranger, B takes a picture with her phone.

 

At the ball, Agnes and KJ find the tech guy at the function who’s quitting to go into gaming so he doesn’t mind helping them out.

 

Over in Brooklyn, RR wonders where KJ is and what she could be doing.  Neither KJ nor BN are picking up their phones.  RR can’t believe he trusted any of them.  DD is online and sees the pic of KJ and BN mackin it at the ball on Gossip Girl.  DD obviously is shocked at such a betrayal.  He won’t show RR but says they’re at the palace.  RR and DD run off quickly while LLV leans against a wall, also upset about being ignored by BN.

 

RR, LLV, and DD are in a cab uptown.  They all obviously pooled their funds to afford this ride.  RR thinks BN would have said something if he’d known in advance about it.  LLV defends BN and DD says that BN’s morals are questionable.  He wonders aloud who would have thought BN would date LLV and an old married lady at the same time.  That’s obviously his wounded heart speaking.  They bicker about BN being a good guy and BN doesn’t like him.  RR can’t believe the cab driver is letting the Mr. Softee truck pass them and tries to bribe the driver with everything he’s got—a single dollar bill.  Man, I love this show.

 

At the Palace ball, the doorman won’t let RR, LLV, and DD in because they’re poor.  DD looks for BN.  LLV looks for KJ.  JudgyLily sees RR and says she saw KJ and then FatherSlime greets RR and RR runs off and FS is upset so JL gets him a drink.

 

SS doesn’t want B to blackmail the Yale lady.  SS says the family needs help.  B says they’re more screwed up than SS’s family.  SS needs to go to the gala.  She asks B to save Emma first before using blackmail. 

 

DD finds BN at the gala.  DD grabs him and throws him against a wall.  This is sooooo reminiscent of the fight between BN and CS when they broke up.  History repeats itself, only this time, BN is the breakee while DD (whoda thunk it) is the breaker.  He shows BN the Gossip Girl picture on his phone and asks if that’s him with his 15 year old sister.  DD is angry because they took him in.  BN says that he’s not a creepy older guy and it just happened.  DD calls him the guy who traded sex for money.  What?  But they’re all poor.  Oh, he means LLV and the Duchess.  BN says DD has no right to judge him.  DD wants BN out of the house and he goes off to find KJ.

 

B and CS arrive at the apartment to stop Emma from losing her virginity.  They tell her to check Gossip Girl on her phone.  It says Muffy has lost her virginity and Gossip Girl cherry in one night.  Then B walks in and feels violated.  CS tells the guy to lose the tulip.  We don’t get to see anything.  I think that’s best.  Emma storms out, upset that Muffy the Rich Girl beats her at everything.

 

SS is in a cab, listening to Aaron’s outgoing message, saying that the girl who kissed him isn’t his girlfriend.   She wanted to thank him for the ring.  Then some girl picks up while she leaves a message.  The girl says that Aaron’s in the bathroom and SS hangs up flustered.

 

BN tries to leave the ball and KJ wants him to stop.  BN says that RR and DD are there and DD saw them kissing on Gossip Girl.  She begs BN to stay because she needs him.  He stands there and takes a deep breath.  He’s got this breathing thing down.

 

Time for the awards.  Some guy congratulates JudgyLily and FatherSlime for their philanthropy in Sri Lanka.  Then the lights go aout and music comes on.  All the screens show pictures of KJ and models in her clothes and announce her clothing line.  RR’s reaction?  “Oh, no.”  Heehee. 

 

The models plow through in some punkish fashions.  They throw post cards around.  JudgyLily smiles and giggles while FatherSlime is aghast and may pass out.  BN catches KJ’s eye and smiles.  JL dances.  Then Agnes comes through in a tutu dress.

 

LLV laughs.  Agnes dances on a table and breaks classes.  BN gives KJ a sideways glance.  They hug and mack it.  LLV sees and her smile fades into disgust.  She walks out right past them.  KJ tries to run after her.  BN tries to stop her but KJ says she shouldn’t have done that and leaves anyway.

 

Then the show is over and RR and DD moan about how they can’t believe KJ did that.

 

In the back of CS’s limo, B tells Emma that this was not the way she should want to lose her virginity.  CS wonders what would be a better way.  Emma gets out of the car.  B thanks CS for getting Gossip Girl to post the stuff about Muffy.  He says he’d do it for her any time.  I LOVE THEM!!!   B has to bolt out of the car before Emma runs away again.

 

Emma tells B that B, Muffy, and her mom all won.  B says that she should sleep with someone she loves.  Emma asks if B was in love her first time.  B says yes and that she wrote the book on self-centered mothers.  Emma thinks B is perfect.  B says, True!  Heeheeheeeeeeeeee.   Emma is upset that her mom doesn’t want to hang out when they go to the city.  B tells her to avoid gross guys.

 

The TA from Yale calls DD and tells him that she couldn’t get him a recommendation letter.  SS finds DD and says that KJ won’t get into too much trouble.  He says that KJ does whatever necessary to get what she wants; she alienated everyone in her life but she’ll be in the New York Times tomorrow, while he has no courage.  SS cares about DD and he says that he’s not getting into Yale or any other school with a decent writing program.  He goes off to find his dad.

 

Emma and B walk in to find Yale lady all bent out of shape because they’re home late.  B tries to warn Yale lady not to say anything, but Yale lady scolds B and says she’s not Yale material.  B asks if she had fun with the strange man and shows her the picture from the bar.  Emma comes back in to defend B. The woman says it’s no wonder why she doesn’t want to spend time with Emma.  B decides not to show the picture and says that the woman should pay more attention to her daughter before it’s too late.

 

KJ runs out of the ball trying to find LLV.  RR instead comes out and pulls her aside.  KJ tells him to let go of her.  He says she doesn’t care who she hurts.  She says that people adore her and she has too many missed calls already.  He says that he’s disappointed because he’s her dad.  He wants KJ to apologize to JudgyLily who’s just appeared and tells them that the whole thing was inspired.  He says that KJ won’t get away with it and then rats her out to a policeman for being the person responsible for the criminal fashion show.  The officer says he has to take her to the station and they’ll call her parents from there.  She says that RR IS her father.  This?  Is AMAZING!!!!!! 

 

JL says that they won’t be pressing charges because they own the hotel.  Crap.  JL ruins EVERYTHING.  RR tells her to stay out of it.  JL is trying to save RR from a mistake.  KJ tells them to figure it out and decides to walk home.  To Brooklyn.  At night alone.  In her dress and heels.  And stupid stupid hat.

 

CS finds BN at BN’s barren house.  CS can’t believe how bad it is.  BN says that Brooklyn is over and he’s going to stay with his mom.  CS wants him to come to his place but BN won’t hear of it.

 

SS tries to get B out of bed with the idea of going to Princeton.  B calls Princeton a trade school.  Man, I love Blair.  The Yale dean calls B’s cell and then SS gets called away because she has a visitor.  It’s Aaron who wants to get pastries.  She says that the ring was sweet but she doesn’t want to date his posse.  He explains that one girl was a friend and the other one was something he can’t explain but he can’t stop thinking about SS.  He wants to think fate brought them back together.  SS falls for this stupid crap and he tells her not to eat the ring because it’s 9 years old, the original from camp.  B comes bounding in saying that the dean wants her at Yale.

 

In Brooklyn, RR tells DD that KJ stomped out at 6 AM.   DD was up all night finishing the story about Chuck Bass because now that his sister has staged a fashion show, he needs to try to one up her.  RR explains that success is not the same thing as other people’s praise.  That one line makes me fall in love with Rufus all over again.  DD refuses to listen.  RR goes into KJ’s room and finds that only plastic hangers are left.  KJ’s moved out.


MUSICAL MONTAGE!!  B and SS giggle on SS’s bed, looking at the Yale catalog.  BN walks around the city with a suitcase and mails a letter to KJ.  Then walks off looking pretty.  DD mails his story to the guy from the Paris Review.  RR walks in circles around KJ’s room.  KJ walks the streets of Brooklyn with a suitcase and her sewing machine, wearing way too much eyeliner.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 7: Chuck In Real Life

Love Is Poor, Love Is Gay (and Lust Is All Over)

 

Highlights: BoringNate and DownerDan secure their love with a date; SluttySerena complains complains complains; LongLostVanessa teams up with ChuckSlime; Blair denies being a horndog; SuicidalEric’s boyfriend comes out to play

 

SluttySerena comes into family breakfast to find that FatherSlime has returned and he and JudgyLily have some new rules for the family.  No staying out late on weeknights and she must wear a Parisian suit that FatherSlime bought for her.  They will be having a house warming party so they can debut as a family and SuicidalEric and his darker hair gets to bring a friend.  Finally we get to see his boyfriend!  Serena can’t believe her mom is making rules and stuff. 

 

In the Poor House, Long Lost Vanessa and KleptoJenny are cutting up fliers to save a speakeasy in Brooklyn.  DowerDan doesn’t think anyone at his school would feel guilty about being rich so no one will help.  Then they notice that he has a soccer ball in his bag. His new boyfriend, BoringNate, asked him to try out for the team, so of course DD is going to.  Can’t upset the new boy toy.

 

Remember when SluttySerena wore a silk dress on the beach in the Hamptons?  Remember when the girls suddenly had semi-school uniforms?  Today, as Serena and SuicidalEric walk to school, she’s sportin a matching silky silver cardigan and has the belt wrapped around her neck as a tie.  Yeah.  Anyway, she’s complaining about the rules and Eric is trying to get her to see the bright side—at least she doesn’t have to deal with being suicidal and gay. Serena still doesn’t like the rules because JudgyLily chooses to do whatever her new men want to do like ski, have colonics, and convert to Islam.  Serena doesn’t think her mom should decide what the children are allowed to do. 

 

Awww!  Yeay!!! New boyfriends DownerDan and BoringNate are strolling the school halls together; they both have their shirts untucked and their ties askew.  BN compliments DD on his soccer skills.  ChuckSlime arrives in his scarf (it’s about time that thing is back!) and now not even BN wants anything to do with him.  You see, since BoringNate is now poor, he needs to stick to his own kind, even if no one else knows that he’s lost all his money.

 

Blair walks by in time to see ChuckSlime get the brush off and delights in his having no friends and not being able to sleep with her again.  Even though her body wants him, her brains know better.  She goes off to a disciplinary hearing….

 

For one of the girls at the steps.  RandomGirl and Chickadee are scolding some girl for wearing the wrong outfit.  The girl says, I didn’t realize–.  Then Blair yells, That tights are not pants?!?!?!  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!!!

 

LongLostVanessa arrives to ask Blair to help her save the speakeasy.  Blair tells her that charity is for diseases, not NYC real estate.   LLV blackmails Blair with the picture of WifeyDuchess and The Brit making out and threatens to show it to everyone to show why Blair and he broke up.  Blair takes a clipboard to have people sign a petition to help LLV.

 

ChuckSlime finds SluttySerena lounging in her room, reading a book, obeying the new rules since SuicidalEric convinced her.  Chuck explains that the new rules don’t apply to him so he’s on his way out.  He says that his dad is trying to impress some new clients by showing his family shares their values.  Serena is not going to have values.  Instead, she frolics out of her room in a short-short, red, plunging-neckline dress and tells FatherSlime she’s not wearing underwear and is ready to find some tabloids so she can get a crotchshot on Page 6. 

 

ChuckSlime meanwhile arrives at Blair’s house.  She wants him to seduce and humiliate LongLostVanessa because LLV is now annoying Blair way too much.  She thinks that since DownerDan stole Chuck’s best friend, Chuck should steal DD’s.  Plus, Chuck will be able to do the impossible—the only person LLV hates more than Blair is Chuck Bass.  Then she says Chuck has erectile dysfunction.  He kisses Blair on the cheek and saunters out.

 

SluttySerena and Blair are having lunch the next day in what looks like Tavern On The Green but probably isn’t because no Upper East Sider would actually eat there.  Serena thinks Blair still has a thing for Chuckslime.  SuicidalEric comes in and introduces Jonathan, his boyfriend.  The girls’ mouths drop open and they get all giggly and giddy.  FINALLY!  Eric’s boyfriend is HOT.  Maybe he’ll stay away from the suicide game for a while.  And maybe the hot boyfriend will do something about Eric’s ever-darkening hair.  He looks sickly.  SuicidalEric has invited Jonathan to the housewarming.  Jonathan has already met Chuck.  Seriously, I really love the brotherly relationship Chuck and Eric have, and it’s so right that Chuck has met Jonathan first.  SluttySerena wants to hear all about how the two of them met.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with them fiddling with their ties on a busy street in broad daylight. 

 

Over in the poor part of town, DownerDan is bragging about his stupid soccer skills to KleptoJenny, who is mighty tan for someone who’s been slaving away in a sweatshop for the past few weeks.  She’s happy that DD finally has guy friends.  He insists that he has other guy friends.  Right now, I’m realizing that Dan has absolutely no friends, guys or girls.  Not even LLV, really, since RockinRufus has stolen her away.  Plus, RockinRufus claims to be DD’s friend but dad’s can’t count and neither can freaky dolls like Cedric, DD’s boy doll.  To prove that he has friends, DD calls up BoringNate and I guess it’s a real call even though it seems fake and I’m surprised they didn’t tell him so.  DD first has to explain that he’s Dan, Dan Humphrey, and then sets up a place to meet up later and says “Love you” and hangs up.  Okay, okay, he says “love it” because it’s too early in their relationship for those three little words.  They’re going to “Play soccer” later.  Here, “play soccer” is obviously code for “dry hump like crazy.”  KJ and RR wonder if Cedric is invited and mock DD relentlessly.  Ah, family love.

 

LLV is hanging with older and older men every episode.  Her new friend is the guy who wants to save the speakeasy, and I’m pretty sure he’s in his 60s.  ChuckSlime arrives and wants to buy the building but keep it the same.  LLV doesn’t trust him and wants landmark status.  Then someone throws a tomato at Chuck to make him leave.  Chuck storms away in his limo.

 

SluttySerena arrives home and JudgyLily tells her not to be childish and Serena says she’s being treated like a child.  Umm, isn’t that the way a family works?  Serena wants to defy FatherSlime and Lily explains that he’s her husband so all the rules are from both of them.  Serena says that FatherSlime is not her father and last year they were almost a real family.  Lily says Serena could benefit from structure and she should have insisted on it three years ago. Serena suggests that was three husbands ago and decides not to go to the party later.

 

DownerDan arrives at BoringNate’s house and finds the seized notice.  He then trespasses and finds the place deserted except for a pillow and a sleeping bag in the middle of the living room.  Then he gets a call from BN who’s waiting for him in the park to “play soccer.” 

 

ChuckSlime arrives at Blair’s to tell her that the deal is off.  Blair still wants LongLostVanessa destroyed but Chuck says there’s not enough in it for him.  She ups the ante and offers to prostitute herself if Chuck reconsiders.  He unties her robe and says they have a deal.  He can’t wait to date rape her.

 

LongLostVanessa arrives at ChuckSlime’s house because she saw his proposal for buying the building and keeping it a landmark and she thinks that she still shouldn’t trust him.  He says she can go on a website to insult him.  Heehee.  He changes out of his smoking jacket for her.

 

Blair is putting on a dress that ChuckSlime bought for her as SluttySerena complains that JudgyLily dated two guys named Klauss.  She says that FatherSlime is the worst because he’s a hypocrite.

 

In the park, BoringNate and DownerDan are on their date, talking about their dads.  DD wants to learn how to do that cool bounce the ball on your knee trick from BN.  BN instead asks him if he’s going to the house warming and DD says he didn’t plan on it since he wasn’t invited.  BN seems surprised because he thought DD would at least still be kind of speaking to SluttySerena.  BN wants to stay home and watch a movie but he can’t invite DD since the housekeeper hasn’t been around.  And now he’s poor but he won’t admit it.  To prove he’s not poor, he buys DD a drink.  Ah, how gentlemanly.  I guess BN is the man in the relationship, which I find quite surprising.

 

ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy with LLV and the old man knows Joe Kennedy, who Chuck admires for being a womanizer.  The guy reminisces about the gangsters who had style and thinks Chuck would fit in.  Chuck thinks that’s the nicest compliment.

 

DownerDan calls KleptoJenny to tattle to her about his boyfriend BoringNate’s living situation.  They don’t understand why he’s not living with Chuck, as if Dan wouldn’t get all jealous.  They concoct a plan to invite BN over for dinner because RockinRufus is making chili and everyone who hears about it is required to go, which makes no sense, and while he’s at the Humphrey Home, they will convince him to stay, preferably in DD’s bed naked.  When BN gives DD his water, DD tells BN he has to come to dinner and that Scattergories will be involved.

 

SluttySerena runs into SuicidalEric’s boyfriend Jonathan at her house and finds out that FatherSlime said that the house warming was family only.  Which it isn’t.

 

At the speakeasy, LLV likes that ChuckSlime is going to save the place and she apologizes for being wrong about him.  He gets a text from Blair and he tells LLV that she should come to the housewarming.  He’ll send a car because she’s poor and has no transportation.

 

Oh. My. God.  My new favorite music video?  The Chuck Bass montage to Britney’s Womanizer.  AWESOME!!!!

 

The Bass-van-der-Woodsen house warming is more of an upscale gala event where JugdyLily is wearing a prom dress and SluttySerena is wearing the Paris suit.  Serena asks FatherSlime why SuicidalEric couldn’t bring his boyfriend.  He suggests she speak to Eric. 

 

Blair finds ChuckSlime and she still wants him to crush LongLostVanessa even though he’s really buying the building.  LLV shows up, happy to not have brought a poor casserole.  FatherSlime pulls Chuck away from them both.

 

Meanwhile at the poor house, BoringNate is impressed with KleptoJenny for leaving school to work at the sweatshop.  RockinRufus asks BN how things are with his dad being locked up.  DD changes the subject to brag about his boyfriend’s soccer skills.  BN likes living alone right now where the memories are.

 

At the housewarming, FatherSlime is angry that ChuckSlime is buying the speakeasy.  Chuck tries to show why it’s a good idea, but FatherSlime hates his son no matter what and Chuck isn’t worth anything.

 

BoringNate tries to leave and DownerDan desperately tries to tempt him to stay with Scattergories.  DD admits that he saw the squalor at BN’s place and BN gets all mad that DD broke in.  DD says that KleptoJenny wants him to stay, too, if BN wants to act straight for a while.  BN is appalled that they think he’s the Humphrey Family Charity Case.  He says, “We hung out at Yale and played soccer once.  So what?”  Harsh!  BN is so nasty when he breaks up with people.  He storms out.

 

LongLostVanessa tells ChuckSlime that he deserves to be treated much better than how his dad treats him.  Chuck says that his father knows him better than LLV does and makes some good points.  He wants LLV to stay and she starts falling for his act.  Or is he going all BoringNate on us and really falling for her too?  Blair looks on all jealous.

 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena is complaining about FatherSlime to SuicidalEric because that’s all she does.  She insists that FatherSlime didn’t want Jonathan there because it would ruin their family image even though Eric is telling her point blank that it was his own decision because he didn’t want to come out of the closet in a national magazine unless that magazine was The Advocate or something.  A reporter comes over to ask them questions about their family being close-knit.  Serena takes that as a personal insult and tells the reporter about how JudgyLily constantly left her and Eric to run off with random men, some of whom were coke-heads.  Lily’s hair looks like a helmet.  Serena realizes that it’s not FatherSlime she hates; instead, she hates her mother.

 

Blair finds ChuckSlime to call off the bet on the grounds of boredom.  He thinks Blair is worried with having to go through with sleeping with him because he’s making headway.

 

JudgyLily is complaining to SuicidalEric that SluttySerena went off in front of the reporters.  Eric explains to Lily, his mother, that she wasn’t ever there.  She says there was a lot going on in her life and she’s doing the best she can.  He says she can’t expect them to become a family by simply saying it.  Why is Eric the smartest person ever and he’s only 14 and has to parent his own mom?

 

Oh.  My.   God.   I can’t even.  Right now, I’m recovering from a fit of raging giggles that landed me on the floor.  DownerDan and RockinRufus are licking and sucking the most phallic-looking popsicles ever.  I can’t I can’t I can’t.  I have no idea what’s going on.  Where did these popsicles come from?  What happened to Scattergories?  What’s happening?   RR gives DD the advice that a good friend is one who stalks someone who refuses help the first time around.  Being a friend is giving someone something he needs even if he doesn’t ask for it.  The popsicles are totally a symbol here.  Totally.  In other words, RR approves of BoringNate as a possible son-in-law because he’s so darn pretty, so DD needs to give it to him.  Hard.

 

LongLostVanessa is trying to leave the house warming but Blair has taken her bag.  She erased the picture of The Brit and The Duchess so now LLV has nothing on Blair.  She then tells LLV all about the bet between her and ChuckSlime and LLV doesn’t believe her.  Blair tells her that the real estate was foreplay and the real goal was to humiliate LLV.  Chuck appears and doesn’t agree or disagree but LLV takes his silence as agreement.  Blair is happy that LLV was humiliated and admits to losing so will wait for him in her room.  How did she lose, exactly?  I really don’t understand the bet.

 

SluttySerena and DownerDan run into each other on the steps of BoringNate’s seized house.  Now they’re, like, boring by association because this scene is pointless.

 

ChuckSlime arrives at the speakeasy—man, these people get to Brooklyn fast—and the old guy has heard about the deal not going through from LongLostVanessa.  Chuck won’t give up.  The guy tells Chuck to save himself.  LLV is wearing way too much makeup.

 

SluttySerena asks DownerDan why he’s there.  DD explains that BoringNate is his “friend” or at least hopes he still is.  Serena needed to get some air and talk to someone, but the one person she wants to talk to she can’t anymore.  DD suggests she pretend that he’s Nate since Nate pretended to be him.  Dude, let it go.  Serena tells him about the house warming and how she hates her mom.  DD suggests her mom is ashamed of not being perfect and that’s why she acts so perfectly.  Serena says, I thought you were pretending to be Nate, meaning that answer is way too smart to come from Nate.  Then Serena apologizes for everything that happened between them.  FatherSlime arrives in a limo to take Serena home and she’s happy that DD is Nate’s friend.  She leaves with FatherSlime. 

 

When SluttySerena and FatherSlime arrive home, everyone has since left the party.  JudgyLily apologizes for not being around for seventeen years.  Serena says that the brief period between Klausses was good.  Serena apologizes for embarrassing them.  Lily says that’s who they are and she doesn’t care who knows.  But doesn’t FatherSlime, since he has that whole dossier on Lily? 

 

DownerDan arrives back in the poor house with BoringNate right behind him.  KleptoJenny gets ice cream and RockinRufus gets his 80s songbook because Nate seems like a Wham! guy.  What the?   I mean, I agree Nate would be into Wham but what’s with the guitar and the ice cream?

 

ChuckSlime finally comes to Blair’s room, where she has lit candles.  She asks what took him so long and he says if she thought the wait was long, she has no idea what she’s in for.  Is that a penis reference?  They mack it.  He tells her to say those three words she wanted him to say to her in the Hamptons.  She won’t say those words.  He counts the letters and the syllables.  She won’t say them but she’s prepared to settle.  He’s not.  He won’t give himself to her if she won’t say those words.  She thinks this is because of LLV but he says he wants to raise the stakes.  He chased her for long enough so now it’s time she chases him.  He leaves her on her bed, all hot and bothered, and all alone.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 6: New Haven Can Wait

Ivy League Lovin’

Highlights: Blair hits SluttySerena in the head with a handbag.  Really, that’s the only highlight worth highlighting.  All the others pale in comparison.  I heart Blair in that non-sexual girl-crush way.  Still, other highlights include: KleptoJenny turns RockinRufus onto slave labor; BoringNate falls in love again; DowerDan is King Tool

 

 

Since I’ve had two weeks to ponder the last episode, I have a bit more to say.  That whole SluttySerena always dimming her lights as to not outshine Blair…  Hmmm, exactly who was the one person who truly helped Serena with that whole murder thing?  Blair!  Yeah, that’s right, Serena.  Plus we all know that you have only dim bulbs anyway.

 

What’s better than following every action minute-by-minute of our Upper East Sider High School Elite?  Following them to COLLEGE!  No, they haven’t graduated yet, but they are visiting their colleges of choice.  Or college, singular, since they’re all visiting Yale.  Beware of the ivy, kids.  It’s not poisonous, but your classmates lurking behind those ivied walls are.

 

Oh. My. God.  I’m starting to sound like Gossip Girl.  Moving on.

 

Blair is that chick from My Fair Lady.  She can’t get rid of her cockney accent.  Yet SluttySerena has the best accent because she has light now.  This is all Blair’s dream,  of course.  She wakes to see her servant lady bringing in breakfast as directed by NastyMom, which means that Blair should barf it up afterwards because Blair’s a fatty.  Blair can’t wait to attend the Yale Dean’s reception because she can make Larry King cry.  She can’t wait to be around people like herself, who are, by definition, people not like SluttySerena, when Blair walks through the gates of Yale.  Speaking of, who’s gracing the front page of some silly newspaper? 

 

SluttySerena wants to go to Brown.  JudgyLily tells her to visit Yale because Serena got a hand-written invitation to go.  Serena knows Blair will be there and doesn’t want to be where Blair is because they’re not speaking to each other.  Then Lily tells Serena not to hide the paper because she’s already seen it and the reporters refer to Lily as Serena’s unidentified friend. 

 

Blair bemoans the existence of Serena.  Servant lady tells Blair that Marc Jacobs named a purse after Serena.  I bet it’s called a slutbag!

 

Serena and Lily fawn over two dresses that they’ve received from Blair’s mom from the new collection.

 

DownerDan is stressing over the color of paper.  RockinRufus tells Dan that he has perfect grades and something is wrong with Yale if they don’t choose Dan because grades are all he needs.  Rufus is forgetting that they’re poor and they also need money to go to Yale.

 

ChuckSlime can’t wait to rape co-eds in bunk beds.  BoringNate doesn’t want to go to Yale; he wants to go to USC.  Chuck wants them to make their own freshman fifteen.  I’m guessing that again he means raping 15 girls.  Then he tells Nate that Yale has a great secret society and that’s the real reason he wants to go.

 

All the kiddies arrive at school before heading out to Yale, Harvard, and Brown.  The guy in charge tells them that they are ambassadors.  DownerDan hopes that Yale at least likes his stories.  ChuckSlime retorts by making fun of Dan for riding the bus.  See?  Even when it’s apropos of nothing, making fun of Dan is fun!

 

Blair tells SluttySerena she can’t wait for Serena to come home from Brown as a crunchy vegan with dreadlocks.  Serena says that not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.  Blair says not everyone can be.  How much do I love Blair?  Serena insists that Brown is Ivy League and Blair says that Serena isn’t smart enough for Yale.  So Serena calls her mom to say she’s going to Yale instead of Brown.

 

Oh, jeez.  Long Lost Vanessa arrives at the Poor House in Brooklyn.  RockinRufus tells KleptoJenny that she cannot be  homeschooled like LLV is.  KJ wants him to go intern with her for just a day to see what it’s like.  He agrees because he’s a child and has no authority.

 

DownerDan tells the Yale admissions guy that he has something to say.  The admissions guy says, then say it!  Heehee.  Even strangers beat up on Dan.  Dan uses words like flourish and thrive.  The admissions guy likes his synonyms but points out that DD has only one rec letter and needs more.  Karma!  All those writers DD thought he was above because of his toolness!  Hahaha!  No rec from the last writer who DD thought was exploiting him and not even an acknowledgment of knowing him from the guy over the summer who DD ditched for The Hamptons.  The admissions guy tells DD to go to the English Dept, have someone read his stuff, and get a rec letter from there.

 

BoringNate and ChuckSlime lounge on the grass on campus.  Chuck is waiting for the secret society to find him.  A bunch of girls walk by and, surprisingly, Nate leaves Chuck to his own devices and chases after the girls.  Then, ChuckSlime goes from Big Man On High School Campus to Low Man Fucked Sideways On The College Totem Pole in 3.2 seconds.   “We’ve been waiting for you” is never something you want to hear, at least not when you’re Chuck Bass.  The guys in the secret society of rich people throw a bag over his head and take him away as he kicks and struggles and shouts.

 

Blair waits outside the Dean’s office all prim and proper.  She hears him laughing and the secretary says that the Dean hasn’t laughed like that ever.  SluttySerena walks out of the Dean’s office with a huge smile on her face.  Behind that smile is the satisfaction of pissing off Blair coupled with the satisfaction of having offered up her best blow job yet.  I’m speculating, of course; I can’t guarantee her satisfaction.

 

BoringNate and the girl he ran after are on a bench, talking about electives.  She likes sex and art and he can’t believe that’s a class.  The guy eavesdropping next to them asks if he knows Nate Archibald because Nate goes to the school he mentioned and the guy was talking about Captain Archibald in econ class.  BoringNate wants to see the rest of campus and the girl asks him his name.  He says, Daaaan, Humphrey.  I suppose Chuck Bass is too notorious.  No one would second guess his being a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn.

 

Now ChuckSlime is in a dark room with the boys in black.  Bow chicka bow wow!  No, it’s not a gay cult, but I’m sure Nate would be incredibly jealous if he knew about this.  They tell Chuck that he’s a prime candidate for their group because he’s slept with Maxim girls.  They mention John Mayer.  Chuck wants to throw a party.  If this is what being in a secret society is about, it’s pretty stupid.

 

The Dean likes Blair’s application but wants to know something about her that’s not in her packet.  He says that the young lady before her was in a fashion show for the fun of it.  Heh heh.  Blair calls herself traditional and the Dean thinks tradition is stuffy.  Blair admits she lacks some grace with strangers, she’s not full of surprises, and her hair doesn’t sparkle, so the Dean should rely on her folder.  He tells her to find something to do on campus and runs back into his office after sending her away.

 

Outside, Blair accosts SluttySerena, Serena gets a call that invites her to the Dean’s gathering and she tells Blair that she’s the last invite.  Why would the secretary tell her that?  Dumb.  Blair bemoans, of all the things Serena has taken—Nate, the Chickadees, NastyMom—Serena is being cruelest by taking Yale.  Blair promises to take her down.  SluttySerena would like to see her try.  This encounter takes place with Serena standing on a step so that she towers over Blair by three feet instead of her normal foot and a half ginormity. 

 

Because the Humphreys need to make even more money to send DownerDan to Yale, now both KleptoJenny AND RockinRufus are in the sweatshop.  KJ is very busy.  NastyMom barely gives Rufus a glance but he insists on having her help him.  He wants her to fire KleptoJenny so he can gain back some of the leverage he’s lost as a parental figure.  NastyMom refuses to fire her.  She asks if he had dreams and how he would have made them wait if he had the opportunity to fulfill them at 15.   She’s got ya there, RR!

ChuckSlime runs into SluttySerena on campus and reminds her that Brown is in Rhode Island.  She says she’s been invited to the Dean’s special party.  He reveals that the Dean will ask who she wants to have dinner with dead or alive and tells her that Blair’s answer is George Sand becaus that’s the Dean’s favorite writer.  Serena doesn’t want to use Blair’s answer and wants to give up her slot to Blair but she continues to listen and take copious notes about what Chuck is telling her.  Chuck is suprised Serena’s alive and in tact considering Blair didn’t get an invite.

 

BoringNate is still pretending to be DownerDan.  He didn’t simply use Dan’s name; he’s completely stealing Dan’s identity, calling himself a writer.  Mid-make-out, the girl asks his thoughts on Marquez.  NateDan is too pretty to have a real opinion.

 

The real DownerDan arrives at the girl’s door because the English Dept. sent him over.  She works in the dept (a T. A.?  I wasn’t really paying attention) and can give him a rec letter if she reads and likes his stories.  Nate keeps motioning for Dan to say nothing but Dan says, Nate?  The girl is like, No, that’s Dan Humphrey.  So Dan gets all uppity and proclaims that the guy in her bed is Nate Archibald and that he himself is Dan Humphrey of the Poor Humphreys of Brooklyn. 

 

The two boys file out with BoringNate upset with DownerDan for interupting his heterosexual rendevous with a real live girl who isn’t a married couger duchess.  DD says that he won’t help out when his own educational future is at stake.  Nate tells him to knock the chip off his shoulder.  Thank you, Nate!  You may be boring, but at least you’re not a condescending tool.  DD says it’s not okay to pretend to be him.  Nate says it’s no wonder why Serena dumped him.  Ooooh, ice.

 

Blair finds the Dean’s secretary and demands an invitation.  The secretary says no.  Blair tells the secretary that she has salt and pepper shaker cats on hold for her at Christie’s auction house (okay, I’m not sure what they are but that’s what they look like).  The secretary takes the bribe and gives Blair the invitation.

 

RockinRufus is impressed with KleptoJenny’s work and professionalism.  He still wants her in school, though.  School’s too important.  BTW—this whole time, Fashionista KJ has been sportin’ a Christmas tablecloth.  He’s surprised she isn’t yelling.  She says he did what he said he would—he watched her awkwardly in the sweatshop for a day and asked her boss to get rid of her so she can’t complain.  She has a final errand of the day and asks him to take her and he agrees.

 

Blair arrives at the Dean’s party.  SluttySerena can’t believe she’s there.  Blair can’t believe Serena stole her answer to the Dean’s quiz.  Serena says that she’ll get to answer first because the Dean goes in alphabetical order.  Blair eyes the bowl of their answers.

 

ChuckSlime has set up a party with girls who don’t speak English who work in threes.  The guys in black want to test his loyalty to them.  They want him to bring them Nate Archibald because the Capt. Archibald screwed up all their dads’ trust funds. 

 

BoringNate calls ChuckSlime, saying he’s done with Yale.  Everyone hates him because of what his father did.  Okay, that does suck because he’s being blamed for the sins of his father.  He also complains that everything is DownerDan’s fault.  Also true.  He wants Chuck to meet him off campus at Mike’s Bar.  ChuckSlime hangs up and tells the guys that it’s done.  No, I don’t believe that Chuck is going to turn on Nate.  He’s got something cookin.

 

Blair loves Sir Thomas Moore.  Serena likes popes as well as her tutors.  This is a dumb party.  Blair has a backup answer for the Dean’s quiz.  The dean announces something in Latin which means that the quiz will now begin.

 

Meanwhile, on a semi-dark part of campus, the secret society attacks DownerDan, stripping off his clothes.  He screams like a little girl. 

 

The Dean gets to SluttySerena’s answer.  He reads that Pete Fairman is the person living or dead that she’d like to have dinner with.  He says he’s unfamiliar with that person and wants to know who it is.  As Serena sputters, Blair answers for her matter-of-factly—He’s the man she killed.  OH. MY. GOD.  BRILLIANT!!!!!!  Blair changed the answer and revealed Serena’s murderous side.  Ah, I love friendship.

 

SluttySerena says Pete was a man she knew.  Blair interjects, man slash dealer.  Serena says he died but she’s not responsible.  Blair asks if she’s responsible for the sex tape, which isn’t all that sexy. Serena drags Blair away as Blair calls out her perfect quiz answer.

 

Serena yells at Blair for using a dead guy for leverage.  Blair says it’s not a game because Yale is her dream.  She says Serena crossed the line with Yale and Serena says Blair crossed the line with Pete.  Since when is she so into defending the guy she killed?  Serena thinks that Blair should take her problems with Serena’s being there to the school and storms away.  Blair does what any normal girl would do—she throws her clutch at Serena’s head, and hits her dead on, I might add.  Serena can’t believe Blair did that.

 

They get into a pushing match and tell each other to shut up.  Then it’s a Dynasty moment.  Hair is everywhere.  Legs and shoes scuffle.  Serena hates Blaire’s stupid headband and uses her ginormity to pound Blair on the head with her own purse.

 

Back in New York, JudgyLily is trying on the black Waldorf dress.  KleptoJenny arrives to drop off something she left out of the garment bag.  She tells RockingRufus that Lily isn’t home, but then Lily appears in the dress.  KJ offers to get Lily a pair of matching shoes from the closet.  Lily says everyone is out of the house, including SuicidalGayEric and his new friend, meaning boyfriend hopefully.  That kid needs someone to lean on.  Rufus says he likes her house and her dress.  Lily tells him that his daughter made the dress and he’s lucky to have a daughter with such talent so young, kind of like what he had with music.  KJ comes back with some gold strappy sandals.  RockinRufus tells JudgyLily that no matter what she wears, she looks fantastic.

 

BoringNate phone stalks ChuckSlime from the bar.  The boys in black walk in, bragging that they got Nate Archibald.  BoringNate gets pretty angry—and by that, I mean he gets angry and remains oh so pretty— and starts a brawl with them saying that he’s Nate Archibald and they don’t have to wait until next year to want to kick his ass.  And then in the dumbest move I’ve ever scene in bar-fight history, Nate throws a three-foot-high stool on the floor as he runs away and the guys running after him actually see this stool as an obstacle and fall down all around it as if it weren’t a stool but a PrettyBoyForceField. 

 

DownerDan finds himself tied around a statue in his boxers.  He calls out to people passing by for help and is not happy with his choice in underwear.  BoringNate arrives to untie him and says that the guys thought Dan was Nate and Dan, in all his toolness, says, Well I wasn’t the one pretending to be you. Nate should leave him there.  Then the girl from before arrives to find them and says she can get the knot out since her mom was in the Navy.

 

At the Dean’s house, Blair picks up the contents of her purse.  SluttySerena doesn’t want to do this anymore because betrayal is exhausting.  Blair is sick of being Darth Vader to her Sunshine Barbie; she says life is too short and Serena makes it feel so long.  Omigod, that’s like the worst thing to say to someone.  Serena thinks they shouldn’t be friends and Blair agrees.  Now they’re no longer friends and no longer frenemies.

 

In the poor part of town, Long Lost Vanessa and RockinRufus are staring at each other across the breakfast bar.  Rufus breaks away long enough to tell KleptoJenny that his dreams of being a young musician were killed by his parents and he wants to be a much cooler parent than they were.  LLV hands over the papers for homeschooling.  KJ shrieks with joy.

 

SluttySerena runs into Blair near the Yale Dean’s office.  She’d told the Dean that Blair deserves to go there.  Blair was about to do the same thing for Serena.  They reminisce about how Blair used to beat up little girls and decide that they should be friends after all. 

 

BoringNate, DownerDan, and the English Dept. girl are walking through campus.  Nate hopes that she can help Dan get a recommendation letter.  She’s going to try.  Dan is delighted since all his has are his dreams—dreams are free.  BoringNate apologizes for his tool impersonation and she tells him to swing by if he’s on campus again.  She kisses him and leaves.  Then Downer Dan says that Nate does a better Dan Humphrey than Dan himself does.  So DD is taking all the credit for the girl taking interest in Nate.  Sure, Dan. Whatever.

 

ChuckSlime is packing up and the secret society is upset that they got the wrong guy.  Chuck says it was the right guy for him and reveals incriminating photos taken by the girls the night before.  He says the future leaders of America are now under the control of Chuck Bass: “I own you.”  That’s sooooo Chuck. 

 

BoringNate is waiting for ChuckSlime at the limo.  Chuck says he missed Nate last night.  Awww, he must be nostalgic for the times before the huge break up in the middle of the street.   Nate thinks that was Chuck’s plan all along to keep Nate out of the way and points to DownerDan across the lawn who is walking around clueless.  Awwww, Nate has a new crush.  He thinks DownerDan is pretty cool and decides to take the train back to New York with his new boyfriend. 

 

Blair and Serena walk around campus, bemoaning the fact that they’ll both have to go to Hunter.  Serena gets a call from the Dean who asks her to enroll during early admission.  Serena asks about Blair and he says Blair has to wait until Spring and wants to put out a press release that Serena visited Yale.  Serena tells Blair that she won’t accept the spot and Blair says she has to.  Serena wants to do it all together.

 

Gossip Girl talks about dreams forgotten, outgrown, and coming true.  JudgyLily changes her dress.  KleptoJenny toils in the sweatshop.  New boyfriends BoringNate and DownerDan buddy it up in the quad as ChuckSlime looks on from the limo.  Gossip Girl comments that some of us just have nightmares.  That includes me—The Toolship of the Cockring with BoringNate and DownerDan may be too much to handle.

 

Blair then heads for her own car to go home, turning around for one last forlorn look at what could be her last glimpse of Yale.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 5: The Serena Also Rises

Shhhhhh, It’s a Secret!

 

Highlights: RockinRufus gets put in his place by his lying truant daughter KleptoJenny; DownerDan is a big tool who can’t write for shit; ChuckSlime is Chuck Bass; Father Slime is even slimier; NastyMom takes the credit; SluttySerena takes Blair’s light; BoringNate appears only in a commercial

 

It’s gettin’ good.  Real good.  So good that we’ve gotta jump right in.

 

It’s Fashion Week in New York!  White tents in Bryant Park!  Runways and high haut coutour.  Which means lots of work in the sweat shop.  Blaire is helping NastyMom with the seating arrangements of the media and VIPS who need to be seated based on who they are and aren’t dating.  Blair sat the girls from school in the second row.

 

The Poor Humphreys have no one but each other so they stroll the street together, talking about Lowly Dan’s plans because Dan is incredibly self-important and he barely sees KleptoJenny.  They talk about his writing and Yale and blah blah blah.  Dan’s a tool.  Who cares?  Then he leaves saying Ciao because he’s suddenly Italian.  KJ calls NastyWoman  to say she’s on the way to the sweat shop.

 

JudgyLily is checking out her art collection on her walls that she set up for Father Slime.  She notes that SluttySerena got in late last night and Serena says she was at the MoMa.  Then Lily goes back to her art and Serena knows all about Mapplethorpe because it’s kinda slutty.  Lily says she modeled for him and Serena thinks that’s cool because sluts run in the family.  (Honestly, I love Mapplethorpe and think he’s an artistic genius.  I don’t think he’s slutty, but I still think the Van der Woodsen’s are).

 

ChuckSlime catches up with Blair on the street and tries to stir the pot.  Blair says that Serena has been keeping her seat warm.  Now that it’s Fashion Week, Blair is totally on top.  The chickadees are thrilled about their seats at Fashion Week.  They’re even more thrilled with Serena being in a magazine with Poppy Rich Girl.  Blair storms away.  Chuck pops up and mocks her.  His scarf is back, by the way.  Blair says there’s a reason he’s always alone.  She points out that even Dan Humphrey has a friend in his own loser dad.  I love how she takes this opportunity to make a jab at Dan even when he has nothing to do with anything. 

 

Speaking of…DownerDan is all down and out.  He’s writing about being down and out.  His advisor complains that Dan is writing crap and Dan needs to do something new by learning something.  Dan knows nothing about danger.  His advisor advises that he have someone shoot something off his head.

 

NastyMom is complaining in the sweatshop.  NastyWoman is complaining that no good celebs are going to be seated at the show and they won’t have any press.  KleptoJenny suggests that they get Serena’s help because Serena has new friends in the magazine.

 

DownerDan arrives at ChuckSlime’s to talk to, well, Chuck.  Really?  Really.  He goes to the boy who tried to date rape his little sister.  Bygones!  Dan knows that Chuck thinks of him as a boring, sheltered nobody and Chuck corrects, “I don’t think of you.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Dan needs to experience new things and Chuck asks him, “Are you gay?”  Even more HIL.AIR.EEE.US!!!!!!  Especially since last season, Chuck had the whole break up with BoringNate, he would know.  Dan wants Chuck to get him out of his comfort zone.  He wants to experience the world of Chuck Bass.  Chuck agrees because he loves himself. 

 

Blair runs home and complains to her servant lady that SluttySerena is taking over her spot because Serena was in a magazine.  The chickadees don’t realize that that Blair gets them into fashion week.  Then she goes ballistic because KleptoJenny changed the seating chart and put Serena in the front row with Poppy Rich Girl. 

 

NastyMom thinks the changes are marvelous and praises KleptoJenny.  Blair says that Slutty Serena will be backstage with her and that Poppy Rich Girl and all her friends will be at the Marc Jacobs show which is at the same time.  Blair then rats KleptoJenny out because KJ has been saying that she has an independent study when really she’s skipping class.  Blair accosts KJ in the hallway and KJ says she didn’t know Blair made the chart.  Poor Jenny.  Literally and figuratively.

 

Meanwhile, Downer Dan is getting on ChuckSlime’s nerves as they drink.  Chuck does his sexy whispery thing, telling Dan he’s gotta go all or nothing, go down the rabbit hole or walk out the door.  Downer Dan takes the pill Chuck hands him and downs it with a shot.  Ah, I love references to Alice In Wonderland.  Fun Fact: C. S. Lewis was a huge pervy perv! 

 

Over at the Van der Woodsen’s, Poppy Rich Girl is sitting pretty with Slutty Serena and Judgy Lily.  Serena thinks Blair will be mad if she goes with Poppy instead of Blair.  Poppy and Lily don’t agree with Serena, and Lily likes Poppy because Poppy has money and status, more than Blair does, and it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known Blair because this isn’t about loyalty.  Lily gets a phone call about some art work that she can’t buy but desperately wants.  This has got Rockin Rufus’s Poor Gallery-Cafe-Gallery written all over it. 

 

Blair arrives at the Poor House, telling RockinRufus that she’s got chicken soup for KleptoJenny because KJ’s been sick and out of school.  Rockin Rufus says that Blair knows KJ’s been working for her mom.  Blair says that the fact is that KJ hasn’t been to school in two weeks.

 

DownerDan is falling in love with ChuckSlime.  He’s in the back of Chuck’s limo, gushing about what a good time he’s had.  Chuck Slime tells him to take off his shoes and get out.  Tonight was nothing, Chuck’s amusement.  He leaves Downer Dan “shoeless and clueless.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.

 

RockinRufus arrives at the sweat shop to scold KleptoJenny for not going to school.  He says that her fashion days are over because he pays tens of thousands of dollars for her to go to the school that she’s not going to.  He makes her leaves even though NastyMom is counting on her.  Gossip Girl says that one minute you’re in, and the next you’re out.  Because that’s what Heidi Klum says on Project Runway!

 

Umm, if you go to CW11.com, you can see Rockin Rufus (Matthew Settle) talk about his butt.  I don’t know what that’s all about, but that’s what the commercial says.  Moving on.  AND Boring Nate (Chase Crawford) is in some horror thriller movie.  He may make it boring or he may surprise us all.  AND the girl who plays Naomi from the new 90210 is in it too.

 

The waffles are back!  The waffles are back!  RockinRufus makes waffles and KleptoJenny says that she’s keeping up with the assignments and homework.  Rufus calls her a liar and a truant.  She apologizes and says she wanted to help NastyMom and she’s good at it.  Rufus had to convince the head mistress that she shouldn’t be expelled.  He makes her get dressed and go to school on Saturday because poor people need to do things like that.

 

SluttySerena arrives at Blair’s because Blair won’t answer her calls.  Blair is angry that Serena is abondoning tradition.  Serena says that NastyMom asked her to do a favor to sit in the front row, and that she won’t go.  She was going to invite Blair to hang out and Blair doesn’t want to be included.  Serena then changes her mind.  She will sit front row!  She will enjoy it!

 

Heeheee.  DownerDan’s story still sucks.  The advisor likes the character based on ChuckSlime.  Dan won’t write a story from Chuck’s point of view. Charlie Trout is the character.  The advisor says that he needs to draw out the secrets of Chuck to write a good story.  Because Dan sucks. 

 

Meanwhile, KleptoJenny is at school in her Saturday best, which includes a neon pink Hawaiian lei.  NastyMom needs her but she can’t go.

 

JudgyLily finds out that FatherSlime must have bought the Mapplethorpe that she’s been trying to buy.  She’s surprised that he, her husband, knows her so well.

 

SluttySerena is at Fashion Week and she’s enjoying it!  She and Poppy Rich Girl arrive.  They find that their seats have been moved to the back.  KleptoJenny arrives in her pink lei and says that they should sit in the front.  NastyMom scolds Blair for moving the seats and tells her to go backstage.  She praises KJ because she obviously hates her own daughter.

 

ChuckSlime calls his dad because he wants to have a drink when FatherSlime comes home tonight.  FatherSlime gets another call and is jetlagged.  Basically, it’s a no. DownerDan of course overhears all this and stands there with his mouth hanging open, catchin’ flies.  He mocks Chuck because, say it with me, Dan’s a tool.

 

KleptoJenny puts her afterparty dress in the back.  Blair asks what KleptoJenny is in charge of.  Calling models out onto the runway?  Blair’s gonna take care of that instead.  So either she’s going to do a great job to impress her mother or a horrible job and blame it on KJ.  Really, either way, Blair screws over KJ, which is her ultimate goal.

 

Dan The Tool presses ChuckSlime to find out about his childhood and his father.  Chuck says that Father Slime is like him only older and meaner.  Chuck is bored and goes to hit on some blonde.  He wants to give her cash up front and she’s not a hooker.  Oops.  Some other dude comes over and is pissed off that Chuck thought his girlfriend is a hooker. Chuck says she dresses like a call girl.  Dan steps in and punches the guy out.  So Dan protects the guy who tried to date rape his sister.

 

Meanwhile in the poor house, RockinRufus gets a message from the head mistress.  She spoke to Jennifer and the situation is out of control.  Rufus silently broods.

 

At the fashion show, KleptoJenny accosts Blair, wanting to know where the models are.  Blair sent them home because they were overbooked.  Not really.  Blair’s doing.  NastyMom is going to pass out but KJ has an idea.

 

ChuckSlime and DownerDan are now in jail.  Dan thinks RockinRufus will kill him.  Chuck’s dad will be only slightly annoyed to make a phone call to his lawyer.  Dan says that Chuck’s dad can’t be a baby hater.  Chuck says that his mom died giving birth to him, so Father Slime hates him.  Then the cops release Chuck and he says that he’ll see if his lawyer can get Dan out too.  Because now they’re best friends who share secrets!

 

FatherSlime arrives home and has missed JudgyLily.  She’s going to lock him up.  He gives her an emerald necklace.  She’s surprised because she was expecting the Mapplethorpe.  He says he did buy it but not for her.  He’s a powerful man.  He’s a target.  He needs to protect his family.  She figures out that he’s had a private detective make up a dossier of who she is and she wants to see it. 

 

NastyMom is flipping out at the show.  Instead of models, they’re using the socialites.  They all walk the runway like models.  Slutty Serena’s hair is in a non-frizzy afro, and she doesn’t want to walk out.  Poppy Rich Girl says that Serena is always trying to make Blair better by not shining and that Serena should be more sparkly.  Serena shouldn’t hide her light. Who talks like this?  She says that Blair will support her if Blair’s a true friend.  Serena wants to go out now so Blair hands her a dress. 

 

SluttySerena walks the runway in a green dress that has a tutu skirt thingie on it.  Serena’s dress isn’t an Eleanor Waldorf.  It’s KleptoJenny’s dress.  Because once again, even though Serena’s a foot taller than Jenny is, they fit into the same size and are interchangeable.

 

KleptoJenny asks Blair why she can’t just claim her throne and leave KJ alone.  Blair just can’t!  KJ deduces that it’s all about SluttySerena.  She says that Serena glides through and she and Blair need to work at things.  KJ wants Blair to be her friend for a reason.  They both have to work.

 

At the police station, ChuckSlime accidentally gets DownerDan’s possession.  He finds the story of Charlie Trout.

 

JudgyLily finds that FatherSlime has all her old love letters.  She wants her children to know their mother and she’s not ashamed that she slept with a professor.  He asks if “this” is something she wants them to know and hands over a piece of paper that makes her tear up.  She wants to know where he got it.

 

ChuckSlime goes back to the cell to say he’s going to make a Humphrey Sandwich.  He says that his mother died in a plane crash in the Andes when he was six.  So there!  Write about that, tool!

 

NastyMom is scolding KleptoJenny about the dress.  The critics loved it.  KJ says she used scraps of fabric and NastyMom’s old designs.  She doesn’t want to take credit for a dress made by a child.  Blair tells her mom to take her bow because KJ saved the show.  So NastyMom takes the credit.  All of it.  All of KJ’s hard work.  Then one of the workers won’t let RockinRufus in and KJ refuses to put him on the list because she’s now richer than he is.

 

Downer Dan gets his advisor to bail him out because RockinRufus is too poor.  The advisor is nostalgic for his criminal past and is proud that Dan mixed it up.  Downer Dan decides not to exploit ChuckSlime’s story and wants to be safe rather than use people.  The advisor tells Dan that he’ll always be second rate.  Dan wants to write a story about how an advisor tries to live vicariously through his student.  Good one, Dan, you’re a tool.

 

At the after party, NastyMom toasts to KleptoJenny, who made the entire show a success.  In the background, RockinRufus overhears and glows proudly at his liar, truant daughter.

 

Blair finds SluttySerena.  Serena is mad about the dress.  Blair apologizes because she was hurt that Serena blew off their tradition.  Serena says to get over it and she’s tired to hold herself back so she won’t outshine Blair. Serena says she’s going to be who she is and Blair needs to support it or not.

 

RockinRufus makes KJ walk out because he doesn’t want his children repeating his mistakes.  KJ thinks she’s more talented than he is because he career didn’t take off when he was young.  This family is so loving.  He hopes she’s successful but only after she finishes school.  KJ doesn’t want to finish school and she told the head mistress she’s not going back.

 

Montage!  About secrets!  ChuckSlime stares at the Charlie Trout story, a reflection of himself.  DownerDan types away at his computer, guaranteed to write a horrible story.  KleptoJenny curls up with her garments.  FatherSlime drapes the emerald necklace around JudgyLily’s neck.  They’ve all got secrets or are exploiting secrets or are burying the secrets of others.  Blair gives Serena the death stare as Serena pouts and poses for the paparazzi; Blair’s waiting for Serena’s star to fall. 

I smell cat fight.  Do you?

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 4: The Ex-Files

Every Old Queen Is New Again

Highlights: DownerDan is a tool; RockinRufus is a tool; Judgy Lily is alive and so is Suicidal Eric; Long Lost Vanessa screws over Boring Nate and Blair big time; Slutty Serena, well, you’ll see

When we last left the kiddies, they were weeping outside elevators and sweating in, well, sweatshops.  Now the summer is finally over and it’s the first day of school. 

 

JudgyLily has finally returned.  From some place that has a beach because that’s where she made FatherSlime wear flip flops and Slutty Serena is enjoying that.  Suicidal Eric isn’t as amused.  He wonders if more people are coming to breakfast because there’s so much food.  Then ChuckSlime appears and Serena threatens to kill him if he calls JudgyLily “mom.”  Lily explains that FatherSlime is in Beijing. 

 

Serena wants more details about her mom’s trip and the flip flops and wants to stay home from school.  Chuck explains that Serena broke up with DownerDan.  He says that she’s queen and needs to rule, but Serena says that’s Blair’s old job.  Then she calls Chuck a eunuch.  Nice one.  Lily didn’t even know Serena was back with Dan.  Were they ever really together?  They were just doing it.

 

Meanwhile in the poor part of town, RockinRufus is having the same conversation with DownerDan.  Rufus tells him to be honest and stop with the sarcasm.  Dan says he heard Rufus’s “friend” sneak out earlier in the morning.  Sweet.  Shackin up! 

 

Then KleptoJenny comes into the kitchen wearing something like a tuxedo but not the maternity tuxedo Blair wore last season when she could have been pregnant.  KJ doesn’t want to go to school because Blair and the chickadees categorize all the other girls into victims who need help and total losers.  Neither Rufus or Dan understand because they’re not girls.  Girl-y, but not girls.

 

At school, Blair and the chickadees are interviewing girls.  And criticizing them and making them feel bad about themselves.  All the girls are wearing that tuxedo thingie.  Apparently that’s the school uniform for the girls.  Did they have that last year?  Did I totally miss the entire tuxedo theme last season?  I knew the boys wear yellow shirts and red ties with blue blazers, but the girls?  They have tie thingies over white shirts? 

 

Suicidal Eric is following around ChuckSlime at school.  Chuck is using a similar system that Blair uses to weed out girls but for dating purposes.  Eric thinks it’s impersonal.  Chuck thanks him.

 

SluttySerena walks the halls pouting.  She sees DownerDan doodling in the courtyard and walks away.  She wonders what’s wrong with her.

Blair and the chickadees bemoan the weak set of girls they’re meeting.  ChuckSlime approaches with a dossier of his own.  Blair says that she and The Brit are better than ever because of what happened last week and leaves.

 

At the poor community arts center in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Oh. My. God.  BoringNate is so gay.   The following description of what he’s doing really does this scene no justice but I’m going to try.  He hops up onto the curb, his arms out, his jacket blowing open, his shirt untucked.  He calls out—Vanessa!  Hey! Wait up!  Long Lost Vanessa is mortified by him and tries to make him go away.  She’s dressed in some fushia-red pants and a purple top because she’s the youngest member of the Red Hat Ladies.  He complains that she hasn’t returned his calls and he doesn’t understand why she told him to stay with Catherine.  He wants to know if they’re not friends now and she says they never were.  Cold, LLV.

 

At the rich school, DownerDan hits on KleptoJenny in the girls’ hallway.  He’s waiting for SluttySerena without really waiting for her.  Then the chickadees walk by and totally ignore KleptoJenny.  Dan says, Welcome to my world, and goes off on a tangent about automatic doors not opening for him.  KJ thinks ‘tis better to be ignored than tortured.

 

DownerDan attempts to return to his side of the building but winds up bumping into not one but two people. The second one is a girl.  She introduces herself as Amanda.  He says, I’m Dan and I just assaulted you.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.

 

Meanwhile, SluttySerena is telling Blair about hiding before when she saw DownerDan in the courtyard.  Serena is totally not wearing the tuxedo thing.  She’s got on a white t-shirt, a white shrug, and a long black untied ribbon around her neck, but it’s not what Jenny was wearing.  Blair’s in white too with a shawl and a black ribbon with a huge black ball (flower?) in the middle.  What is going on?  Blair tells Serena that breakups are easy and she rubs The Brit in Chuck’s face.  Serena calls that twisted foreplay.

 

DownerDan tells Amanda that he interned for that author guy over the summer.  He does not mention that he got fired, went to the Hamptons, and did it with his now ex-girlfriend the whole rest of the summer.

 

Blair tells Serena that whoever dates first after a breakup wins, and since Serena dated PovertyStrickenLowlyDownerDan Humphrey, Serena wins by default.  And the girls round a corner to see that very same Dan Humphrey talking to Amanda.  He’s daring to date before Serena does according to Gossip Girl, but really, is bumping into someone in a school hallway really a date?  Probably on this show, yes.

 

Blair goes through Amanda’s file to find that she’s won awards and is a pretty good student.  SluttySerena doesn’t really want to hear it but Blair calls Amanda “Dan with boobs.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Serena says that it doesn’t mean anything that Dan was talking to Amanda.  She so doesn’t believe it and neither do we.

 

WifeyDutchessCatherine arrives at the gallery, which I thought was converted into a coffee shop but is now a full out gallery again.  She’s there to tell Long Lost Vanessa that she knows BoringNate was there and appreciates LLV’s making him go away.  LLV wants Wifey to leave.  Wifey hands LLV an envelope before leaving.  LLV finds a check for five grand (that’s $5000) inside and wants to give it back but Catherine has already left.  Since she left seconds ago, it would be impossible to run after her.  It’s also impossible to rip up the check.  So LLV now must keep the 5 g’s.  That Nate will definitely not find out about, no way, no how.  Not right now, anyway.

 

Back at school where all the non-home-schooled kids have to go instead of getting to hang out in hip coffee shop galleries in the poor part of town, DownerDan and SluttySerena finally say hi to each other.  Dan says, I waved, for no reason.  They have an awkward conversation.  They are both nervous.  Then ChuckSlime watches on as Dan suggests the two of them be friends.  Serena wants to have lunch together.  Amanda arrives and Dan explains that since Amanda’s new, he suggested they have lunch.  So Serena says, Welcome!  Then slinks away ashamed.  ChuckSlime catches Serena on her way out and asks, Who would have thought Humphrey would be the one to move on first?  Heeeeheeeeee.  He’s so evil.  Then in typical “if I think no one sees me, I’m invisible” fashion, Chuck holds up his phone about three feet away from Dan and Amanda, and takes their picture.  These people are seriously going to be attacked in a mall parking lot someday.  Most likely Dan because no one else would go to a mall.

 

Blair and the chickadees all get the picture on their phones immediately.  Blair calls for her class schedule now.  I don’t know what that means.

 

JudgyLily makes it over to RockinRufus’s gallery.  He’s all excited to see her.  Then he tries to act all suave, telling her he’s busy.  RepoMan is playing at the Sunshine and he’s on his way out.  She wants to go.  He says that 20 years ago, they went to see RepoMan and she stole his soda and walked out.  Lily offers to buy him another because now she’s rich and he’s poor.  So very poor.  That one soda sent him on a downward spiral.

 

Blair and the chickadees accost Amanda and invite her to lunch.  They tell her that going to lunch with Dan Humphrey is hazardous to her health.  They drop a tennis racket on Amanda’s foot.  Or it’s a stick.  Whatever.  SluttySerena wants Blair to stop but Blair won’t because if Amanda goes to lunch with DownerDan, not only will Amanda magically become poor, but she’ll also become Dan’s girlfriend.  They all walk away, leaving Serena alone.

 

LLV is at Wifey’s house now, trying to return the check.  She barges into the study where she catches Wifey making out with, um, er, is that her stepson, the guy Blair is dating?  It looks like him but I’ve been very wrong before.  So as of right now, I’m holding off on my incredibly disgusted ew until I know for sure.  LLV snaps a picture of them.  Okay, so maybe Nate won’t find the check Wifey left for LLV.  This is even better.

 

ChuckSlime finds DownerDan to tell him that Amanda’s not going to lunch because she was threatened with hockey sticks.  He explains that they’re taking Amanda into their clique so that she has to follow the code of not being allowed to date exes.  Chuck leaves and Long Lost Vanessa calls Dan. 

 

During lunch, Blair and the chickadees explain to Amanda that she can’t date Downer Dan because he’s SluttySerena’s ex.  That was quick.  Serena sends Amanda to get gelato and tells Blair that this is wrong.  She goes off to find Dan to tell him they were all wrong.  What about the gelato?

 

Then Dan meets up with Vanessa.  Where the hell are they and how did he get there so fast?  She shows him the picture she took of WifeyDutchess.  Dan tries to hand back the phone and asks, “Why can’t I look away?”  Heeheeeee!  LLV can’t confront Catherine because the butler will remember her and then Wifey will “drop the dime on the Captain” according to DownerDan and he’s so happy he gets to talk like that.  Me, too.  Captain talk is fun.  LLV isn’t sure how to use the picture to help Nate.  Dan tells her to get Blair to help because Blair is the revenge expert.  Then Dan needs to go because something about Serena.

 

Now Dan’s back at school and SluttySerena apologizes and tells Blair to stop.  He keeps interrupting her.  She’s trying to apologize and he keeps stopping her and making her feel worse.  Because Dan’s a tool.  So Serena says that if this were a competition, she wouldn’t need Blair and her posse to win.

 

Amanda finds Dan and asks him what they’re doing tonight.  Because now they’re a couple.

 

Long Lost Vanessa arrives at Blair’s and explains all about the Captain and Wifey and The Brit.  Okay, so I think it really is The Brit who was making out with his stepmom.  EW. EW. EWWWWW.  Blair’s in tears and doesn’t want anyone else to know.  LLV says she simply wants Boring Nate out of WifeyDutchess’s clutches.

 

Amanda has taken DownerDan to this hotspot where everyone goes.  It’s a declaration of war, apparently, on Dan’s part.  The chickadees take a picture from across the room which is more believable. 

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  KleptoJenny wakes DownerDan up by hitting him with a pillow.  Awesome.  She asks about him and Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl.  She tells him that he’s committing social suicide and it’s mean.  Dan says SluttySerena started with the girl mafia.  KJ tells him to apologize before it’s too late.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  ChuckSlime wakes SluttySerena up by tickling her ear with a flower.  She reminds him of boundaries but he doesn’t move.  Hey, remember when he tried to rape her in the kitchen of his dad’s hotel after feeding her grilled cheese made with truffle oil?  Ah, memories.  She says that she and JudgyLily had a girls’ movie night.  ChuckSlime shows her the morning headlines—Gossip Girl’s headlines of  Dan and Amanda. 

 

KleptoJenny finds Long Lost Vanessa near school and LLV explains she’s looking for Blair. KJ gets some sac and asks the chickadees where Blair is.  They remind her that her day will come when they will obliterate her. 

 

SluttySerena runs into DownerDan and she accuses him of using another girl to embarrass her in front of her friends.  He says he’s sorry and he was wrong. She agrees.  Now Serena wants him, her, and Amanda to go out all together.  He agrees to it begrudgingly.  Amanda apparently doesn’t get a say in it.

 

LLV arrives at the restaurant where Blair is meeting up with the Brit.  He can’t wait for her to go away with the family.  She asks if it would get too cramped, with him sleeping with his stepmom and all.  He says it’s happened only a few times.  Then Wifey arrives and Blair instructs, Take a seat.  WifeyDutchess responds, Beg your pardon?  Blair answers, Not yet but you will, as she texts her the picture of Wifey and Brit mackin it. I. Love. Blair.

 

LLV arrives at Wifey’s house.  She wants to speak to the Duke.  She’s totally going to ruin everything.  This is what happens when you’re homeschooled in Brooklyn.

 

Now Downer Dan, Amanda, and SluttySerena are on their date together.  They’re talking about books.  Actually, DownerDan and Amanda are and SluttySerena is being dumb.  She goes to the bar to get some hard alcohol.  The chickadees arrive and bring over boys.  They offer to buy her a drink.  She offers to get next round and then flings her hair around seductively while downing her martini.  Dan isn’t even paying attention to her.  Yet.  Last time she drank, didn’t she wind up killing someone or something?

 

One of the guys comes back to the table with Slutty Serena and tells them all sports stories.  Serena explains that DownerDan likes poets and letters to poets.  Amanda goes to the bathroom and Serena goes for a drink.  The guy says to Dan, Smokin hot, and Dan leaves to talk to Serena.  He asks if this is her peace plan and she says it wasn’t planned.  Then she starts crying, saying that just because they broke up doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him.  He goes to touch her arm but can’t.  He wants to stay away from her and for her to do the same.  She says that he and Amanda should go.  He asks if she’s ordering her to leave.  She says it’s a suggestion because everyone there is her friend and it’s not his kind of place.  And the real Serena comes out.  Awesome.  She walks away before he can respond.

 

ChuckSlime sidles up to Dan.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  Let me say that again.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  That’s not a metaphor.  He’s wearing a purple suit.  He wants to know what Dan is cashing out and leaving soon.  The real Serena is about to come out.  Dan says he’s seen enough but Chuck doesn’t think so.

 

Blair gets BoringNate to come over.  She tells him that WifeyDutchess is a lying whore who’s sleeping with her stepson.  She’s convinced them both to leave town.  Wifey will pay the Captain’s restitution as long as Blair will keep her mouth shut.  Then Wifey calls Blair and finds out that Long Lost Vanessa talked to the Duke.  Way to go, LLV.  You just ruined everything.  EVERYTHING.

 

ChuckSlime, still in his purple suit, tells the chickadees that SluttySerena is making all this about DownerDan instead of blaming Amanda.  He reminds them of the Danish exchange student in 9th grade and squirts some blue gel into a martini glass. I have no idea what’s going on.

 

JudgyLily arrives at The Poor House with a video of Pretty In Pink because Serena canceled on movie night.  Rufus asks why she’s really there and she says that her life is in an empty house or crowded restaurant and she needs a friend.  He apologizes and says he can’t be her friend.  He says that he can’t be her safety net because she made her choice to be Mrs. Bass.  Then Claire shows up and kisses Rufus right smack dab on the mouth.  He introduces the two women.  That was cold, Rufus.  Now we know where Dan gets if from.  Lily gives him a bottle of wine that used to be his favorite and walks out.

 

LLV is back at the gallery (wow they get around fast) and is trying to get Boring Nate to call her back.  Blair storms in yelling.  LLV thought Blair was doing nothing and says that the Duke promises that the Captain will be safe.  Blair says that Nate was about to have his old life back and explains the plan that LLV messed up.  Blair says that it’s all over for Nate thanks to LLV.

 

RandomGirl chickadee pours the weird martini concoction  on Amanda’s hair and her hair starts to fall out.  She makes weird sounds.  DownerDan wants to help but Amanda runs out.  Serena asks if she’s okay and says she didn’t plan it.  Dan yells at Serena, saying that nothing is ever her fault.  He says that she can’t see herself and this is who she is.  He says at least the chickadees own up to it.  Maybe Dan should also own up to being a tool and then everyone will be themselves for once.  Serena tells the chickadees that from now on, everything goes through her.  Queen Serena back again.

 

LLV finds BoringNate walking down the street.  She apologizes.  He doesn’t care about the money and he’s upset that she lied to him and confided in Dan and Blair.  He needs to get to school.  She asks if they can’t even be friends and he reminds her that they never were because she’s poor and homeschooled. 

 

The chickadees are meanwhile going through KleptoJenny’s stuff and KJ says that they lack imagination.  The chickadees say they’re still effective.  KJ cleans out her locker.

 

DownerDan calls Amanda to apologize about the night before and says it wasn’t Serena even though he blamed her. 

 

Meanwhile, ChuckSlime is sitting with Amanda.  He planned for her to get Dan interested so that Serena would be jealous and become queen.  This has something to do with Blair in some way.  He heard that Amanda’s going to boarding school in Vermont.  And then he leaves.

 

KJ arrives at the sweatshop to intern. The nasty woman believes that KJ has off from school so makes her clean tables.

 

Blair arrives to find the chickadees gushing over Serena.  So much changes when you’re home sick from school.  ChuckSlime tell Blair that Serena’s back on top.  He knows exactly how that happened.  Blair storms away.   

DownerDan finds everyone in the courtyard staring at him.  He asks around for Serena but no one will talk to him.  At all.  Mass exodus in the courtyard.  Poverty has that effect.  So does being a tool.  Then Slutty Serena comes waltzing through, gives him a look, and walks away.  This is the real Serena, queen of the sluts.