Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 6: New Haven Can Wait

Ivy League Lovin’

Highlights: Blair hits SluttySerena in the head with a handbag.  Really, that’s the only highlight worth highlighting.  All the others pale in comparison.  I heart Blair in that non-sexual girl-crush way.  Still, other highlights include: KleptoJenny turns RockinRufus onto slave labor; BoringNate falls in love again; DowerDan is King Tool



Since I’ve had two weeks to ponder the last episode, I have a bit more to say.  That whole SluttySerena always dimming her lights as to not outshine Blair…  Hmmm, exactly who was the one person who truly helped Serena with that whole murder thing?  Blair!  Yeah, that’s right, Serena.  Plus we all know that you have only dim bulbs anyway.


What’s better than following every action minute-by-minute of our Upper East Sider High School Elite?  Following them to COLLEGE!  No, they haven’t graduated yet, but they are visiting their colleges of choice.  Or college, singular, since they’re all visiting Yale.  Beware of the ivy, kids.  It’s not poisonous, but your classmates lurking behind those ivied walls are.


Oh. My. God.  I’m starting to sound like Gossip Girl.  Moving on.


Blair is that chick from My Fair Lady.  She can’t get rid of her cockney accent.  Yet SluttySerena has the best accent because she has light now.  This is all Blair’s dream,  of course.  She wakes to see her servant lady bringing in breakfast as directed by NastyMom, which means that Blair should barf it up afterwards because Blair’s a fatty.  Blair can’t wait to attend the Yale Dean’s reception because she can make Larry King cry.  She can’t wait to be around people like herself, who are, by definition, people not like SluttySerena, when Blair walks through the gates of Yale.  Speaking of, who’s gracing the front page of some silly newspaper? 


SluttySerena wants to go to Brown.  JudgyLily tells her to visit Yale because Serena got a hand-written invitation to go.  Serena knows Blair will be there and doesn’t want to be where Blair is because they’re not speaking to each other.  Then Lily tells Serena not to hide the paper because she’s already seen it and the reporters refer to Lily as Serena’s unidentified friend. 


Blair bemoans the existence of Serena.  Servant lady tells Blair that Marc Jacobs named a purse after Serena.  I bet it’s called a slutbag!


Serena and Lily fawn over two dresses that they’ve received from Blair’s mom from the new collection.


DownerDan is stressing over the color of paper.  RockinRufus tells Dan that he has perfect grades and something is wrong with Yale if they don’t choose Dan because grades are all he needs.  Rufus is forgetting that they’re poor and they also need money to go to Yale.


ChuckSlime can’t wait to rape co-eds in bunk beds.  BoringNate doesn’t want to go to Yale; he wants to go to USC.  Chuck wants them to make their own freshman fifteen.  I’m guessing that again he means raping 15 girls.  Then he tells Nate that Yale has a great secret society and that’s the real reason he wants to go.


All the kiddies arrive at school before heading out to Yale, Harvard, and Brown.  The guy in charge tells them that they are ambassadors.  DownerDan hopes that Yale at least likes his stories.  ChuckSlime retorts by making fun of Dan for riding the bus.  See?  Even when it’s apropos of nothing, making fun of Dan is fun!


Blair tells SluttySerena she can’t wait for Serena to come home from Brown as a crunchy vegan with dreadlocks.  Serena says that not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.  Blair says not everyone can be.  How much do I love Blair?  Serena insists that Brown is Ivy League and Blair says that Serena isn’t smart enough for Yale.  So Serena calls her mom to say she’s going to Yale instead of Brown.


Oh, jeez.  Long Lost Vanessa arrives at the Poor House in Brooklyn.  RockinRufus tells KleptoJenny that she cannot be  homeschooled like LLV is.  KJ wants him to go intern with her for just a day to see what it’s like.  He agrees because he’s a child and has no authority.


DownerDan tells the Yale admissions guy that he has something to say.  The admissions guy says, then say it!  Heehee.  Even strangers beat up on Dan.  Dan uses words like flourish and thrive.  The admissions guy likes his synonyms but points out that DD has only one rec letter and needs more.  Karma!  All those writers DD thought he was above because of his toolness!  Hahaha!  No rec from the last writer who DD thought was exploiting him and not even an acknowledgment of knowing him from the guy over the summer who DD ditched for The Hamptons.  The admissions guy tells DD to go to the English Dept, have someone read his stuff, and get a rec letter from there.


BoringNate and ChuckSlime lounge on the grass on campus.  Chuck is waiting for the secret society to find him.  A bunch of girls walk by and, surprisingly, Nate leaves Chuck to his own devices and chases after the girls.  Then, ChuckSlime goes from Big Man On High School Campus to Low Man Fucked Sideways On The College Totem Pole in 3.2 seconds.   “We’ve been waiting for you” is never something you want to hear, at least not when you’re Chuck Bass.  The guys in the secret society of rich people throw a bag over his head and take him away as he kicks and struggles and shouts.


Blair waits outside the Dean’s office all prim and proper.  She hears him laughing and the secretary says that the Dean hasn’t laughed like that ever.  SluttySerena walks out of the Dean’s office with a huge smile on her face.  Behind that smile is the satisfaction of pissing off Blair coupled with the satisfaction of having offered up her best blow job yet.  I’m speculating, of course; I can’t guarantee her satisfaction.


BoringNate and the girl he ran after are on a bench, talking about electives.  She likes sex and art and he can’t believe that’s a class.  The guy eavesdropping next to them asks if he knows Nate Archibald because Nate goes to the school he mentioned and the guy was talking about Captain Archibald in econ class.  BoringNate wants to see the rest of campus and the girl asks him his name.  He says, Daaaan, Humphrey.  I suppose Chuck Bass is too notorious.  No one would second guess his being a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn.


Now ChuckSlime is in a dark room with the boys in black.  Bow chicka bow wow!  No, it’s not a gay cult, but I’m sure Nate would be incredibly jealous if he knew about this.  They tell Chuck that he’s a prime candidate for their group because he’s slept with Maxim girls.  They mention John Mayer.  Chuck wants to throw a party.  If this is what being in a secret society is about, it’s pretty stupid.


The Dean likes Blair’s application but wants to know something about her that’s not in her packet.  He says that the young lady before her was in a fashion show for the fun of it.  Heh heh.  Blair calls herself traditional and the Dean thinks tradition is stuffy.  Blair admits she lacks some grace with strangers, she’s not full of surprises, and her hair doesn’t sparkle, so the Dean should rely on her folder.  He tells her to find something to do on campus and runs back into his office after sending her away.


Outside, Blair accosts SluttySerena, Serena gets a call that invites her to the Dean’s gathering and she tells Blair that she’s the last invite.  Why would the secretary tell her that?  Dumb.  Blair bemoans, of all the things Serena has taken—Nate, the Chickadees, NastyMom—Serena is being cruelest by taking Yale.  Blair promises to take her down.  SluttySerena would like to see her try.  This encounter takes place with Serena standing on a step so that she towers over Blair by three feet instead of her normal foot and a half ginormity. 


Because the Humphreys need to make even more money to send DownerDan to Yale, now both KleptoJenny AND RockinRufus are in the sweatshop.  KJ is very busy.  NastyMom barely gives Rufus a glance but he insists on having her help him.  He wants her to fire KleptoJenny so he can gain back some of the leverage he’s lost as a parental figure.  NastyMom refuses to fire her.  She asks if he had dreams and how he would have made them wait if he had the opportunity to fulfill them at 15.   She’s got ya there, RR!

ChuckSlime runs into SluttySerena on campus and reminds her that Brown is in Rhode Island.  She says she’s been invited to the Dean’s special party.  He reveals that the Dean will ask who she wants to have dinner with dead or alive and tells her that Blair’s answer is George Sand becaus that’s the Dean’s favorite writer.  Serena doesn’t want to use Blair’s answer and wants to give up her slot to Blair but she continues to listen and take copious notes about what Chuck is telling her.  Chuck is suprised Serena’s alive and in tact considering Blair didn’t get an invite.


BoringNate is still pretending to be DownerDan.  He didn’t simply use Dan’s name; he’s completely stealing Dan’s identity, calling himself a writer.  Mid-make-out, the girl asks his thoughts on Marquez.  NateDan is too pretty to have a real opinion.


The real DownerDan arrives at the girl’s door because the English Dept. sent him over.  She works in the dept (a T. A.?  I wasn’t really paying attention) and can give him a rec letter if she reads and likes his stories.  Nate keeps motioning for Dan to say nothing but Dan says, Nate?  The girl is like, No, that’s Dan Humphrey.  So Dan gets all uppity and proclaims that the guy in her bed is Nate Archibald and that he himself is Dan Humphrey of the Poor Humphreys of Brooklyn. 


The two boys file out with BoringNate upset with DownerDan for interupting his heterosexual rendevous with a real live girl who isn’t a married couger duchess.  DD says that he won’t help out when his own educational future is at stake.  Nate tells him to knock the chip off his shoulder.  Thank you, Nate!  You may be boring, but at least you’re not a condescending tool.  DD says it’s not okay to pretend to be him.  Nate says it’s no wonder why Serena dumped him.  Ooooh, ice.


Blair finds the Dean’s secretary and demands an invitation.  The secretary says no.  Blair tells the secretary that she has salt and pepper shaker cats on hold for her at Christie’s auction house (okay, I’m not sure what they are but that’s what they look like).  The secretary takes the bribe and gives Blair the invitation.


RockinRufus is impressed with KleptoJenny’s work and professionalism.  He still wants her in school, though.  School’s too important.  BTW—this whole time, Fashionista KJ has been sportin’ a Christmas tablecloth.  He’s surprised she isn’t yelling.  She says he did what he said he would—he watched her awkwardly in the sweatshop for a day and asked her boss to get rid of her so she can’t complain.  She has a final errand of the day and asks him to take her and he agrees.


Blair arrives at the Dean’s party.  SluttySerena can’t believe she’s there.  Blair can’t believe Serena stole her answer to the Dean’s quiz.  Serena says that she’ll get to answer first because the Dean goes in alphabetical order.  Blair eyes the bowl of their answers.


ChuckSlime has set up a party with girls who don’t speak English who work in threes.  The guys in black want to test his loyalty to them.  They want him to bring them Nate Archibald because the Capt. Archibald screwed up all their dads’ trust funds. 


BoringNate calls ChuckSlime, saying he’s done with Yale.  Everyone hates him because of what his father did.  Okay, that does suck because he’s being blamed for the sins of his father.  He also complains that everything is DownerDan’s fault.  Also true.  He wants Chuck to meet him off campus at Mike’s Bar.  ChuckSlime hangs up and tells the guys that it’s done.  No, I don’t believe that Chuck is going to turn on Nate.  He’s got something cookin.


Blair loves Sir Thomas Moore.  Serena likes popes as well as her tutors.  This is a dumb party.  Blair has a backup answer for the Dean’s quiz.  The dean announces something in Latin which means that the quiz will now begin.


Meanwhile, on a semi-dark part of campus, the secret society attacks DownerDan, stripping off his clothes.  He screams like a little girl. 


The Dean gets to SluttySerena’s answer.  He reads that Pete Fairman is the person living or dead that she’d like to have dinner with.  He says he’s unfamiliar with that person and wants to know who it is.  As Serena sputters, Blair answers for her matter-of-factly—He’s the man she killed.  OH. MY. GOD.  BRILLIANT!!!!!!  Blair changed the answer and revealed Serena’s murderous side.  Ah, I love friendship.


SluttySerena says Pete was a man she knew.  Blair interjects, man slash dealer.  Serena says he died but she’s not responsible.  Blair asks if she’s responsible for the sex tape, which isn’t all that sexy. Serena drags Blair away as Blair calls out her perfect quiz answer.


Serena yells at Blair for using a dead guy for leverage.  Blair says it’s not a game because Yale is her dream.  She says Serena crossed the line with Yale and Serena says Blair crossed the line with Pete.  Since when is she so into defending the guy she killed?  Serena thinks that Blair should take her problems with Serena’s being there to the school and storms away.  Blair does what any normal girl would do—she throws her clutch at Serena’s head, and hits her dead on, I might add.  Serena can’t believe Blair did that.


They get into a pushing match and tell each other to shut up.  Then it’s a Dynasty moment.  Hair is everywhere.  Legs and shoes scuffle.  Serena hates Blaire’s stupid headband and uses her ginormity to pound Blair on the head with her own purse.


Back in New York, JudgyLily is trying on the black Waldorf dress.  KleptoJenny arrives to drop off something she left out of the garment bag.  She tells RockingRufus that Lily isn’t home, but then Lily appears in the dress.  KJ offers to get Lily a pair of matching shoes from the closet.  Lily says everyone is out of the house, including SuicidalGayEric and his new friend, meaning boyfriend hopefully.  That kid needs someone to lean on.  Rufus says he likes her house and her dress.  Lily tells him that his daughter made the dress and he’s lucky to have a daughter with such talent so young, kind of like what he had with music.  KJ comes back with some gold strappy sandals.  RockinRufus tells JudgyLily that no matter what she wears, she looks fantastic.


BoringNate phone stalks ChuckSlime from the bar.  The boys in black walk in, bragging that they got Nate Archibald.  BoringNate gets pretty angry—and by that, I mean he gets angry and remains oh so pretty— and starts a brawl with them saying that he’s Nate Archibald and they don’t have to wait until next year to want to kick his ass.  And then in the dumbest move I’ve ever scene in bar-fight history, Nate throws a three-foot-high stool on the floor as he runs away and the guys running after him actually see this stool as an obstacle and fall down all around it as if it weren’t a stool but a PrettyBoyForceField. 


DownerDan finds himself tied around a statue in his boxers.  He calls out to people passing by for help and is not happy with his choice in underwear.  BoringNate arrives to untie him and says that the guys thought Dan was Nate and Dan, in all his toolness, says, Well I wasn’t the one pretending to be you. Nate should leave him there.  Then the girl from before arrives to find them and says she can get the knot out since her mom was in the Navy.


At the Dean’s house, Blair picks up the contents of her purse.  SluttySerena doesn’t want to do this anymore because betrayal is exhausting.  Blair is sick of being Darth Vader to her Sunshine Barbie; she says life is too short and Serena makes it feel so long.  Omigod, that’s like the worst thing to say to someone.  Serena thinks they shouldn’t be friends and Blair agrees.  Now they’re no longer friends and no longer frenemies.


In the poor part of town, Long Lost Vanessa and RockinRufus are staring at each other across the breakfast bar.  Rufus breaks away long enough to tell KleptoJenny that his dreams of being a young musician were killed by his parents and he wants to be a much cooler parent than they were.  LLV hands over the papers for homeschooling.  KJ shrieks with joy.


SluttySerena runs into Blair near the Yale Dean’s office.  She’d told the Dean that Blair deserves to go there.  Blair was about to do the same thing for Serena.  They reminisce about how Blair used to beat up little girls and decide that they should be friends after all. 


BoringNate, DownerDan, and the English Dept. girl are walking through campus.  Nate hopes that she can help Dan get a recommendation letter.  She’s going to try.  Dan is delighted since all his has are his dreams—dreams are free.  BoringNate apologizes for his tool impersonation and she tells him to swing by if he’s on campus again.  She kisses him and leaves.  Then Downer Dan says that Nate does a better Dan Humphrey than Dan himself does.  So DD is taking all the credit for the girl taking interest in Nate.  Sure, Dan. Whatever.


ChuckSlime is packing up and the secret society is upset that they got the wrong guy.  Chuck says it was the right guy for him and reveals incriminating photos taken by the girls the night before.  He says the future leaders of America are now under the control of Chuck Bass: “I own you.”  That’s sooooo Chuck. 


BoringNate is waiting for ChuckSlime at the limo.  Chuck says he missed Nate last night.  Awww, he must be nostalgic for the times before the huge break up in the middle of the street.   Nate thinks that was Chuck’s plan all along to keep Nate out of the way and points to DownerDan across the lawn who is walking around clueless.  Awwww, Nate has a new crush.  He thinks DownerDan is pretty cool and decides to take the train back to New York with his new boyfriend. 


Blair and Serena walk around campus, bemoaning the fact that they’ll both have to go to Hunter.  Serena gets a call from the Dean who asks her to enroll during early admission.  Serena asks about Blair and he says Blair has to wait until Spring and wants to put out a press release that Serena visited Yale.  Serena tells Blair that she won’t accept the spot and Blair says she has to.  Serena wants to do it all together.


Gossip Girl talks about dreams forgotten, outgrown, and coming true.  JudgyLily changes her dress.  KleptoJenny toils in the sweatshop.  New boyfriends BoringNate and DownerDan buddy it up in the quad as ChuckSlime looks on from the limo.  Gossip Girl comments that some of us just have nightmares.  That includes me—The Toolship of the Cockring with BoringNate and DownerDan may be too much to handle.


Blair then heads for her own car to go home, turning around for one last forlorn look at what could be her last glimpse of Yale.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 5: The Serena Also Rises

Shhhhhh, It’s a Secret!


Highlights: RockinRufus gets put in his place by his lying truant daughter KleptoJenny; DownerDan is a big tool who can’t write for shit; ChuckSlime is Chuck Bass; Father Slime is even slimier; NastyMom takes the credit; SluttySerena takes Blair’s light; BoringNate appears only in a commercial


It’s gettin’ good.  Real good.  So good that we’ve gotta jump right in.


It’s Fashion Week in New York!  White tents in Bryant Park!  Runways and high haut coutour.  Which means lots of work in the sweat shop.  Blaire is helping NastyMom with the seating arrangements of the media and VIPS who need to be seated based on who they are and aren’t dating.  Blair sat the girls from school in the second row.


The Poor Humphreys have no one but each other so they stroll the street together, talking about Lowly Dan’s plans because Dan is incredibly self-important and he barely sees KleptoJenny.  They talk about his writing and Yale and blah blah blah.  Dan’s a tool.  Who cares?  Then he leaves saying Ciao because he’s suddenly Italian.  KJ calls NastyWoman  to say she’s on the way to the sweat shop.


JudgyLily is checking out her art collection on her walls that she set up for Father Slime.  She notes that SluttySerena got in late last night and Serena says she was at the MoMa.  Then Lily goes back to her art and Serena knows all about Mapplethorpe because it’s kinda slutty.  Lily says she modeled for him and Serena thinks that’s cool because sluts run in the family.  (Honestly, I love Mapplethorpe and think he’s an artistic genius.  I don’t think he’s slutty, but I still think the Van der Woodsen’s are).


ChuckSlime catches up with Blair on the street and tries to stir the pot.  Blair says that Serena has been keeping her seat warm.  Now that it’s Fashion Week, Blair is totally on top.  The chickadees are thrilled about their seats at Fashion Week.  They’re even more thrilled with Serena being in a magazine with Poppy Rich Girl.  Blair storms away.  Chuck pops up and mocks her.  His scarf is back, by the way.  Blair says there’s a reason he’s always alone.  She points out that even Dan Humphrey has a friend in his own loser dad.  I love how she takes this opportunity to make a jab at Dan even when he has nothing to do with anything. 


Speaking of…DownerDan is all down and out.  He’s writing about being down and out.  His advisor complains that Dan is writing crap and Dan needs to do something new by learning something.  Dan knows nothing about danger.  His advisor advises that he have someone shoot something off his head.


NastyMom is complaining in the sweatshop.  NastyWoman is complaining that no good celebs are going to be seated at the show and they won’t have any press.  KleptoJenny suggests that they get Serena’s help because Serena has new friends in the magazine.


DownerDan arrives at ChuckSlime’s to talk to, well, Chuck.  Really?  Really.  He goes to the boy who tried to date rape his little sister.  Bygones!  Dan knows that Chuck thinks of him as a boring, sheltered nobody and Chuck corrects, “I don’t think of you.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Dan needs to experience new things and Chuck asks him, “Are you gay?”  Even more HIL.AIR.EEE.US!!!!!!  Especially since last season, Chuck had the whole break up with BoringNate, he would know.  Dan wants Chuck to get him out of his comfort zone.  He wants to experience the world of Chuck Bass.  Chuck agrees because he loves himself. 


Blair runs home and complains to her servant lady that SluttySerena is taking over her spot because Serena was in a magazine.  The chickadees don’t realize that that Blair gets them into fashion week.  Then she goes ballistic because KleptoJenny changed the seating chart and put Serena in the front row with Poppy Rich Girl. 


NastyMom thinks the changes are marvelous and praises KleptoJenny.  Blair says that Slutty Serena will be backstage with her and that Poppy Rich Girl and all her friends will be at the Marc Jacobs show which is at the same time.  Blair then rats KleptoJenny out because KJ has been saying that she has an independent study when really she’s skipping class.  Blair accosts KJ in the hallway and KJ says she didn’t know Blair made the chart.  Poor Jenny.  Literally and figuratively.


Meanwhile, Downer Dan is getting on ChuckSlime’s nerves as they drink.  Chuck does his sexy whispery thing, telling Dan he’s gotta go all or nothing, go down the rabbit hole or walk out the door.  Downer Dan takes the pill Chuck hands him and downs it with a shot.  Ah, I love references to Alice In Wonderland.  Fun Fact: C. S. Lewis was a huge pervy perv! 


Over at the Van der Woodsen’s, Poppy Rich Girl is sitting pretty with Slutty Serena and Judgy Lily.  Serena thinks Blair will be mad if she goes with Poppy instead of Blair.  Poppy and Lily don’t agree with Serena, and Lily likes Poppy because Poppy has money and status, more than Blair does, and it doesn’t matter how long they’ve known Blair because this isn’t about loyalty.  Lily gets a phone call about some art work that she can’t buy but desperately wants.  This has got Rockin Rufus’s Poor Gallery-Cafe-Gallery written all over it. 


Blair arrives at the Poor House, telling RockinRufus that she’s got chicken soup for KleptoJenny because KJ’s been sick and out of school.  Rockin Rufus says that Blair knows KJ’s been working for her mom.  Blair says that the fact is that KJ hasn’t been to school in two weeks.


DownerDan is falling in love with ChuckSlime.  He’s in the back of Chuck’s limo, gushing about what a good time he’s had.  Chuck Slime tells him to take off his shoes and get out.  Tonight was nothing, Chuck’s amusement.  He leaves Downer Dan “shoeless and clueless.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.


RockinRufus arrives at the sweat shop to scold KleptoJenny for not going to school.  He says that her fashion days are over because he pays tens of thousands of dollars for her to go to the school that she’s not going to.  He makes her leaves even though NastyMom is counting on her.  Gossip Girl says that one minute you’re in, and the next you’re out.  Because that’s what Heidi Klum says on Project Runway!


Umm, if you go to CW11.com, you can see Rockin Rufus (Matthew Settle) talk about his butt.  I don’t know what that’s all about, but that’s what the commercial says.  Moving on.  AND Boring Nate (Chase Crawford) is in some horror thriller movie.  He may make it boring or he may surprise us all.  AND the girl who plays Naomi from the new 90210 is in it too.


The waffles are back!  The waffles are back!  RockinRufus makes waffles and KleptoJenny says that she’s keeping up with the assignments and homework.  Rufus calls her a liar and a truant.  She apologizes and says she wanted to help NastyMom and she’s good at it.  Rufus had to convince the head mistress that she shouldn’t be expelled.  He makes her get dressed and go to school on Saturday because poor people need to do things like that.


SluttySerena arrives at Blair’s because Blair won’t answer her calls.  Blair is angry that Serena is abondoning tradition.  Serena says that NastyMom asked her to do a favor to sit in the front row, and that she won’t go.  She was going to invite Blair to hang out and Blair doesn’t want to be included.  Serena then changes her mind.  She will sit front row!  She will enjoy it!


Heeheee.  DownerDan’s story still sucks.  The advisor likes the character based on ChuckSlime.  Dan won’t write a story from Chuck’s point of view. Charlie Trout is the character.  The advisor says that he needs to draw out the secrets of Chuck to write a good story.  Because Dan sucks. 


Meanwhile, KleptoJenny is at school in her Saturday best, which includes a neon pink Hawaiian lei.  NastyMom needs her but she can’t go.


JudgyLily finds out that FatherSlime must have bought the Mapplethorpe that she’s been trying to buy.  She’s surprised that he, her husband, knows her so well.


SluttySerena is at Fashion Week and she’s enjoying it!  She and Poppy Rich Girl arrive.  They find that their seats have been moved to the back.  KleptoJenny arrives in her pink lei and says that they should sit in the front.  NastyMom scolds Blair for moving the seats and tells her to go backstage.  She praises KJ because she obviously hates her own daughter.


ChuckSlime calls his dad because he wants to have a drink when FatherSlime comes home tonight.  FatherSlime gets another call and is jetlagged.  Basically, it’s a no. DownerDan of course overhears all this and stands there with his mouth hanging open, catchin’ flies.  He mocks Chuck because, say it with me, Dan’s a tool.


KleptoJenny puts her afterparty dress in the back.  Blair asks what KleptoJenny is in charge of.  Calling models out onto the runway?  Blair’s gonna take care of that instead.  So either she’s going to do a great job to impress her mother or a horrible job and blame it on KJ.  Really, either way, Blair screws over KJ, which is her ultimate goal.


Dan The Tool presses ChuckSlime to find out about his childhood and his father.  Chuck says that Father Slime is like him only older and meaner.  Chuck is bored and goes to hit on some blonde.  He wants to give her cash up front and she’s not a hooker.  Oops.  Some other dude comes over and is pissed off that Chuck thought his girlfriend is a hooker. Chuck says she dresses like a call girl.  Dan steps in and punches the guy out.  So Dan protects the guy who tried to date rape his sister.


Meanwhile in the poor house, RockinRufus gets a message from the head mistress.  She spoke to Jennifer and the situation is out of control.  Rufus silently broods.


At the fashion show, KleptoJenny accosts Blair, wanting to know where the models are.  Blair sent them home because they were overbooked.  Not really.  Blair’s doing.  NastyMom is going to pass out but KJ has an idea.


ChuckSlime and DownerDan are now in jail.  Dan thinks RockinRufus will kill him.  Chuck’s dad will be only slightly annoyed to make a phone call to his lawyer.  Dan says that Chuck’s dad can’t be a baby hater.  Chuck says that his mom died giving birth to him, so Father Slime hates him.  Then the cops release Chuck and he says that he’ll see if his lawyer can get Dan out too.  Because now they’re best friends who share secrets!


FatherSlime arrives home and has missed JudgyLily.  She’s going to lock him up.  He gives her an emerald necklace.  She’s surprised because she was expecting the Mapplethorpe.  He says he did buy it but not for her.  He’s a powerful man.  He’s a target.  He needs to protect his family.  She figures out that he’s had a private detective make up a dossier of who she is and she wants to see it. 


NastyMom is flipping out at the show.  Instead of models, they’re using the socialites.  They all walk the runway like models.  Slutty Serena’s hair is in a non-frizzy afro, and she doesn’t want to walk out.  Poppy Rich Girl says that Serena is always trying to make Blair better by not shining and that Serena should be more sparkly.  Serena shouldn’t hide her light. Who talks like this?  She says that Blair will support her if Blair’s a true friend.  Serena wants to go out now so Blair hands her a dress. 


SluttySerena walks the runway in a green dress that has a tutu skirt thingie on it.  Serena’s dress isn’t an Eleanor Waldorf.  It’s KleptoJenny’s dress.  Because once again, even though Serena’s a foot taller than Jenny is, they fit into the same size and are interchangeable.


KleptoJenny asks Blair why she can’t just claim her throne and leave KJ alone.  Blair just can’t!  KJ deduces that it’s all about SluttySerena.  She says that Serena glides through and she and Blair need to work at things.  KJ wants Blair to be her friend for a reason.  They both have to work.


At the police station, ChuckSlime accidentally gets DownerDan’s possession.  He finds the story of Charlie Trout.


JudgyLily finds that FatherSlime has all her old love letters.  She wants her children to know their mother and she’s not ashamed that she slept with a professor.  He asks if “this” is something she wants them to know and hands over a piece of paper that makes her tear up.  She wants to know where he got it.


ChuckSlime goes back to the cell to say he’s going to make a Humphrey Sandwich.  He says that his mother died in a plane crash in the Andes when he was six.  So there!  Write about that, tool!


NastyMom is scolding KleptoJenny about the dress.  The critics loved it.  KJ says she used scraps of fabric and NastyMom’s old designs.  She doesn’t want to take credit for a dress made by a child.  Blair tells her mom to take her bow because KJ saved the show.  So NastyMom takes the credit.  All of it.  All of KJ’s hard work.  Then one of the workers won’t let RockinRufus in and KJ refuses to put him on the list because she’s now richer than he is.


Downer Dan gets his advisor to bail him out because RockinRufus is too poor.  The advisor is nostalgic for his criminal past and is proud that Dan mixed it up.  Downer Dan decides not to exploit ChuckSlime’s story and wants to be safe rather than use people.  The advisor tells Dan that he’ll always be second rate.  Dan wants to write a story about how an advisor tries to live vicariously through his student.  Good one, Dan, you’re a tool.


At the after party, NastyMom toasts to KleptoJenny, who made the entire show a success.  In the background, RockinRufus overhears and glows proudly at his liar, truant daughter.


Blair finds SluttySerena.  Serena is mad about the dress.  Blair apologizes because she was hurt that Serena blew off their tradition.  Serena says to get over it and she’s tired to hold herself back so she won’t outshine Blair. Serena says she’s going to be who she is and Blair needs to support it or not.


RockinRufus makes KJ walk out because he doesn’t want his children repeating his mistakes.  KJ thinks she’s more talented than he is because he career didn’t take off when he was young.  This family is so loving.  He hopes she’s successful but only after she finishes school.  KJ doesn’t want to finish school and she told the head mistress she’s not going back.


Montage!  About secrets!  ChuckSlime stares at the Charlie Trout story, a reflection of himself.  DownerDan types away at his computer, guaranteed to write a horrible story.  KleptoJenny curls up with her garments.  FatherSlime drapes the emerald necklace around JudgyLily’s neck.  They’ve all got secrets or are exploiting secrets or are burying the secrets of others.  Blair gives Serena the death stare as Serena pouts and poses for the paparazzi; Blair’s waiting for Serena’s star to fall. 

I smell cat fight.  Do you?

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 4: The Ex-Files

Every Old Queen Is New Again

Highlights: DownerDan is a tool; RockinRufus is a tool; Judgy Lily is alive and so is Suicidal Eric; Long Lost Vanessa screws over Boring Nate and Blair big time; Slutty Serena, well, you’ll see

When we last left the kiddies, they were weeping outside elevators and sweating in, well, sweatshops.  Now the summer is finally over and it’s the first day of school. 


JudgyLily has finally returned.  From some place that has a beach because that’s where she made FatherSlime wear flip flops and Slutty Serena is enjoying that.  Suicidal Eric isn’t as amused.  He wonders if more people are coming to breakfast because there’s so much food.  Then ChuckSlime appears and Serena threatens to kill him if he calls JudgyLily “mom.”  Lily explains that FatherSlime is in Beijing. 


Serena wants more details about her mom’s trip and the flip flops and wants to stay home from school.  Chuck explains that Serena broke up with DownerDan.  He says that she’s queen and needs to rule, but Serena says that’s Blair’s old job.  Then she calls Chuck a eunuch.  Nice one.  Lily didn’t even know Serena was back with Dan.  Were they ever really together?  They were just doing it.


Meanwhile in the poor part of town, RockinRufus is having the same conversation with DownerDan.  Rufus tells him to be honest and stop with the sarcasm.  Dan says he heard Rufus’s “friend” sneak out earlier in the morning.  Sweet.  Shackin up! 


Then KleptoJenny comes into the kitchen wearing something like a tuxedo but not the maternity tuxedo Blair wore last season when she could have been pregnant.  KJ doesn’t want to go to school because Blair and the chickadees categorize all the other girls into victims who need help and total losers.  Neither Rufus or Dan understand because they’re not girls.  Girl-y, but not girls.


At school, Blair and the chickadees are interviewing girls.  And criticizing them and making them feel bad about themselves.  All the girls are wearing that tuxedo thingie.  Apparently that’s the school uniform for the girls.  Did they have that last year?  Did I totally miss the entire tuxedo theme last season?  I knew the boys wear yellow shirts and red ties with blue blazers, but the girls?  They have tie thingies over white shirts? 


Suicidal Eric is following around ChuckSlime at school.  Chuck is using a similar system that Blair uses to weed out girls but for dating purposes.  Eric thinks it’s impersonal.  Chuck thanks him.


SluttySerena walks the halls pouting.  She sees DownerDan doodling in the courtyard and walks away.  She wonders what’s wrong with her.

Blair and the chickadees bemoan the weak set of girls they’re meeting.  ChuckSlime approaches with a dossier of his own.  Blair says that she and The Brit are better than ever because of what happened last week and leaves.


At the poor community arts center in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Oh. My. God.  BoringNate is so gay.   The following description of what he’s doing really does this scene no justice but I’m going to try.  He hops up onto the curb, his arms out, his jacket blowing open, his shirt untucked.  He calls out—Vanessa!  Hey! Wait up!  Long Lost Vanessa is mortified by him and tries to make him go away.  She’s dressed in some fushia-red pants and a purple top because she’s the youngest member of the Red Hat Ladies.  He complains that she hasn’t returned his calls and he doesn’t understand why she told him to stay with Catherine.  He wants to know if they’re not friends now and she says they never were.  Cold, LLV.


At the rich school, DownerDan hits on KleptoJenny in the girls’ hallway.  He’s waiting for SluttySerena without really waiting for her.  Then the chickadees walk by and totally ignore KleptoJenny.  Dan says, Welcome to my world, and goes off on a tangent about automatic doors not opening for him.  KJ thinks ‘tis better to be ignored than tortured.


DownerDan attempts to return to his side of the building but winds up bumping into not one but two people. The second one is a girl.  She introduces herself as Amanda.  He says, I’m Dan and I just assaulted you.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.


Meanwhile, SluttySerena is telling Blair about hiding before when she saw DownerDan in the courtyard.  Serena is totally not wearing the tuxedo thing.  She’s got on a white t-shirt, a white shrug, and a long black untied ribbon around her neck, but it’s not what Jenny was wearing.  Blair’s in white too with a shawl and a black ribbon with a huge black ball (flower?) in the middle.  What is going on?  Blair tells Serena that breakups are easy and she rubs The Brit in Chuck’s face.  Serena calls that twisted foreplay.


DownerDan tells Amanda that he interned for that author guy over the summer.  He does not mention that he got fired, went to the Hamptons, and did it with his now ex-girlfriend the whole rest of the summer.


Blair tells Serena that whoever dates first after a breakup wins, and since Serena dated PovertyStrickenLowlyDownerDan Humphrey, Serena wins by default.  And the girls round a corner to see that very same Dan Humphrey talking to Amanda.  He’s daring to date before Serena does according to Gossip Girl, but really, is bumping into someone in a school hallway really a date?  Probably on this show, yes.


Blair goes through Amanda’s file to find that she’s won awards and is a pretty good student.  SluttySerena doesn’t really want to hear it but Blair calls Amanda “Dan with boobs.”  Hil. Air. Eee. Us.  Serena says that it doesn’t mean anything that Dan was talking to Amanda.  She so doesn’t believe it and neither do we.


WifeyDutchessCatherine arrives at the gallery, which I thought was converted into a coffee shop but is now a full out gallery again.  She’s there to tell Long Lost Vanessa that she knows BoringNate was there and appreciates LLV’s making him go away.  LLV wants Wifey to leave.  Wifey hands LLV an envelope before leaving.  LLV finds a check for five grand (that’s $5000) inside and wants to give it back but Catherine has already left.  Since she left seconds ago, it would be impossible to run after her.  It’s also impossible to rip up the check.  So LLV now must keep the 5 g’s.  That Nate will definitely not find out about, no way, no how.  Not right now, anyway.


Back at school where all the non-home-schooled kids have to go instead of getting to hang out in hip coffee shop galleries in the poor part of town, DownerDan and SluttySerena finally say hi to each other.  Dan says, I waved, for no reason.  They have an awkward conversation.  They are both nervous.  Then ChuckSlime watches on as Dan suggests the two of them be friends.  Serena wants to have lunch together.  Amanda arrives and Dan explains that since Amanda’s new, he suggested they have lunch.  So Serena says, Welcome!  Then slinks away ashamed.  ChuckSlime catches Serena on her way out and asks, Who would have thought Humphrey would be the one to move on first?  Heeeeheeeeee.  He’s so evil.  Then in typical “if I think no one sees me, I’m invisible” fashion, Chuck holds up his phone about three feet away from Dan and Amanda, and takes their picture.  These people are seriously going to be attacked in a mall parking lot someday.  Most likely Dan because no one else would go to a mall.


Blair and the chickadees all get the picture on their phones immediately.  Blair calls for her class schedule now.  I don’t know what that means.


JudgyLily makes it over to RockinRufus’s gallery.  He’s all excited to see her.  Then he tries to act all suave, telling her he’s busy.  RepoMan is playing at the Sunshine and he’s on his way out.  She wants to go.  He says that 20 years ago, they went to see RepoMan and she stole his soda and walked out.  Lily offers to buy him another because now she’s rich and he’s poor.  So very poor.  That one soda sent him on a downward spiral.


Blair and the chickadees accost Amanda and invite her to lunch.  They tell her that going to lunch with Dan Humphrey is hazardous to her health.  They drop a tennis racket on Amanda’s foot.  Or it’s a stick.  Whatever.  SluttySerena wants Blair to stop but Blair won’t because if Amanda goes to lunch with DownerDan, not only will Amanda magically become poor, but she’ll also become Dan’s girlfriend.  They all walk away, leaving Serena alone.


LLV is at Wifey’s house now, trying to return the check.  She barges into the study where she catches Wifey making out with, um, er, is that her stepson, the guy Blair is dating?  It looks like him but I’ve been very wrong before.  So as of right now, I’m holding off on my incredibly disgusted ew until I know for sure.  LLV snaps a picture of them.  Okay, so maybe Nate won’t find the check Wifey left for LLV.  This is even better.


ChuckSlime finds DownerDan to tell him that Amanda’s not going to lunch because she was threatened with hockey sticks.  He explains that they’re taking Amanda into their clique so that she has to follow the code of not being allowed to date exes.  Chuck leaves and Long Lost Vanessa calls Dan. 


During lunch, Blair and the chickadees explain to Amanda that she can’t date Downer Dan because he’s SluttySerena’s ex.  That was quick.  Serena sends Amanda to get gelato and tells Blair that this is wrong.  She goes off to find Dan to tell him they were all wrong.  What about the gelato?


Then Dan meets up with Vanessa.  Where the hell are they and how did he get there so fast?  She shows him the picture she took of WifeyDutchess.  Dan tries to hand back the phone and asks, “Why can’t I look away?”  Heeheeeee!  LLV can’t confront Catherine because the butler will remember her and then Wifey will “drop the dime on the Captain” according to DownerDan and he’s so happy he gets to talk like that.  Me, too.  Captain talk is fun.  LLV isn’t sure how to use the picture to help Nate.  Dan tells her to get Blair to help because Blair is the revenge expert.  Then Dan needs to go because something about Serena.


Now Dan’s back at school and SluttySerena apologizes and tells Blair to stop.  He keeps interrupting her.  She’s trying to apologize and he keeps stopping her and making her feel worse.  Because Dan’s a tool.  So Serena says that if this were a competition, she wouldn’t need Blair and her posse to win.


Amanda finds Dan and asks him what they’re doing tonight.  Because now they’re a couple.


Long Lost Vanessa arrives at Blair’s and explains all about the Captain and Wifey and The Brit.  Okay, so I think it really is The Brit who was making out with his stepmom.  EW. EW. EWWWWW.  Blair’s in tears and doesn’t want anyone else to know.  LLV says she simply wants Boring Nate out of WifeyDutchess’s clutches.


Amanda has taken DownerDan to this hotspot where everyone goes.  It’s a declaration of war, apparently, on Dan’s part.  The chickadees take a picture from across the room which is more believable. 


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  KleptoJenny wakes DownerDan up by hitting him with a pillow.  Awesome.  She asks about him and Hannah Montana on Gossip Girl.  She tells him that he’s committing social suicide and it’s mean.  Dan says SluttySerena started with the girl mafia.  KJ tells him to apologize before it’s too late.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  ChuckSlime wakes SluttySerena up by tickling her ear with a flower.  She reminds him of boundaries but he doesn’t move.  Hey, remember when he tried to rape her in the kitchen of his dad’s hotel after feeding her grilled cheese made with truffle oil?  Ah, memories.  She says that she and JudgyLily had a girls’ movie night.  ChuckSlime shows her the morning headlines—Gossip Girl’s headlines of  Dan and Amanda. 


KleptoJenny finds Long Lost Vanessa near school and LLV explains she’s looking for Blair. KJ gets some sac and asks the chickadees where Blair is.  They remind her that her day will come when they will obliterate her. 


SluttySerena runs into DownerDan and she accuses him of using another girl to embarrass her in front of her friends.  He says he’s sorry and he was wrong. She agrees.  Now Serena wants him, her, and Amanda to go out all together.  He agrees to it begrudgingly.  Amanda apparently doesn’t get a say in it.


LLV arrives at the restaurant where Blair is meeting up with the Brit.  He can’t wait for her to go away with the family.  She asks if it would get too cramped, with him sleeping with his stepmom and all.  He says it’s happened only a few times.  Then Wifey arrives and Blair instructs, Take a seat.  WifeyDutchess responds, Beg your pardon?  Blair answers, Not yet but you will, as she texts her the picture of Wifey and Brit mackin it. I. Love. Blair.


LLV arrives at Wifey’s house.  She wants to speak to the Duke.  She’s totally going to ruin everything.  This is what happens when you’re homeschooled in Brooklyn.


Now Downer Dan, Amanda, and SluttySerena are on their date together.  They’re talking about books.  Actually, DownerDan and Amanda are and SluttySerena is being dumb.  She goes to the bar to get some hard alcohol.  The chickadees arrive and bring over boys.  They offer to buy her a drink.  She offers to get next round and then flings her hair around seductively while downing her martini.  Dan isn’t even paying attention to her.  Yet.  Last time she drank, didn’t she wind up killing someone or something?


One of the guys comes back to the table with Slutty Serena and tells them all sports stories.  Serena explains that DownerDan likes poets and letters to poets.  Amanda goes to the bathroom and Serena goes for a drink.  The guy says to Dan, Smokin hot, and Dan leaves to talk to Serena.  He asks if this is her peace plan and she says it wasn’t planned.  Then she starts crying, saying that just because they broke up doesn’t mean she doesn’t still love him.  He goes to touch her arm but can’t.  He wants to stay away from her and for her to do the same.  She says that he and Amanda should go.  He asks if she’s ordering her to leave.  She says it’s a suggestion because everyone there is her friend and it’s not his kind of place.  And the real Serena comes out.  Awesome.  She walks away before he can respond.


ChuckSlime sidles up to Dan.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  Let me say that again.  Chuck is wearing a purple suit.  That’s not a metaphor.  He’s wearing a purple suit.  He wants to know what Dan is cashing out and leaving soon.  The real Serena is about to come out.  Dan says he’s seen enough but Chuck doesn’t think so.


Blair gets BoringNate to come over.  She tells him that WifeyDutchess is a lying whore who’s sleeping with her stepson.  She’s convinced them both to leave town.  Wifey will pay the Captain’s restitution as long as Blair will keep her mouth shut.  Then Wifey calls Blair and finds out that Long Lost Vanessa talked to the Duke.  Way to go, LLV.  You just ruined everything.  EVERYTHING.


ChuckSlime, still in his purple suit, tells the chickadees that SluttySerena is making all this about DownerDan instead of blaming Amanda.  He reminds them of the Danish exchange student in 9th grade and squirts some blue gel into a martini glass. I have no idea what’s going on.


JudgyLily arrives at The Poor House with a video of Pretty In Pink because Serena canceled on movie night.  Rufus asks why she’s really there and she says that her life is in an empty house or crowded restaurant and she needs a friend.  He apologizes and says he can’t be her friend.  He says that he can’t be her safety net because she made her choice to be Mrs. Bass.  Then Claire shows up and kisses Rufus right smack dab on the mouth.  He introduces the two women.  That was cold, Rufus.  Now we know where Dan gets if from.  Lily gives him a bottle of wine that used to be his favorite and walks out.


LLV is back at the gallery (wow they get around fast) and is trying to get Boring Nate to call her back.  Blair storms in yelling.  LLV thought Blair was doing nothing and says that the Duke promises that the Captain will be safe.  Blair says that Nate was about to have his old life back and explains the plan that LLV messed up.  Blair says that it’s all over for Nate thanks to LLV.


RandomGirl chickadee pours the weird martini concoction  on Amanda’s hair and her hair starts to fall out.  She makes weird sounds.  DownerDan wants to help but Amanda runs out.  Serena asks if she’s okay and says she didn’t plan it.  Dan yells at Serena, saying that nothing is ever her fault.  He says that she can’t see herself and this is who she is.  He says at least the chickadees own up to it.  Maybe Dan should also own up to being a tool and then everyone will be themselves for once.  Serena tells the chickadees that from now on, everything goes through her.  Queen Serena back again.


LLV finds BoringNate walking down the street.  She apologizes.  He doesn’t care about the money and he’s upset that she lied to him and confided in Dan and Blair.  He needs to get to school.  She asks if they can’t even be friends and he reminds her that they never were because she’s poor and homeschooled. 


The chickadees are meanwhile going through KleptoJenny’s stuff and KJ says that they lack imagination.  The chickadees say they’re still effective.  KJ cleans out her locker.


DownerDan calls Amanda to apologize about the night before and says it wasn’t Serena even though he blamed her. 


Meanwhile, ChuckSlime is sitting with Amanda.  He planned for her to get Dan interested so that Serena would be jealous and become queen.  This has something to do with Blair in some way.  He heard that Amanda’s going to boarding school in Vermont.  And then he leaves.


KJ arrives at the sweatshop to intern. The nasty woman believes that KJ has off from school so makes her clean tables.


Blair arrives to find the chickadees gushing over Serena.  So much changes when you’re home sick from school.  ChuckSlime tell Blair that Serena’s back on top.  He knows exactly how that happened.  Blair storms away.   

DownerDan finds everyone in the courtyard staring at him.  He asks around for Serena but no one will talk to him.  At all.  Mass exodus in the courtyard.  Poverty has that effect.  So does being a tool.  Then Slutty Serena comes waltzing through, gives him a look, and walks away.  This is the real Serena, queen of the sluts.


Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 3: The Dark Night

Black Eye Blackout and The Truth About Elevators

Highlights: ChuckSlime gets kicked while he’s down; BoringNate makes being a gigolo boring; Blair gets frustrated; SluttySerena and DownerDan talk about talking; KleptoJenny gets fired; RockinRufus thinks he’s 14; Long Lost Vanessa keeps popping up; The Return Of NastyMom, but JudgyLily and FatherSlime are nowhere to be seen but can be heard through a cell phone via Shanghai

Things I’ve pondered since last week.  Yes, I ponder Gossip Girl between episodes.  1. Rufus turned his gallery into a cafe.  What the?  That’s a completely different type of business that requires all kinds of licensing.  2. Blair’s tan is amazing.


Nice opening shot of the fake metal waterfalls from this past summer’s artistic endeavors in Manhattan. 


Gossip Girl starts to give advice about the dog days of summer.  Much like last week’s advice about Hamptoning.  Only these are ridiculous tidbits about the city. 


#1: Drink lots.  Meaning watch ChuckSlime down some whiskey.  Or is it Scotch?


#2: Stay out of the sun.  Meaning watch KleptoJenny fumble around in the sun on a crowded city sidewalk with lots of hot goods. 


#3: Limit physical activity.  Meaning watch DownerDan and SluttySerena mack it in a doorway.   Gossip Girl adds “within reason.”  Meaning Blair can make out with The Brit, too. 


Suddenly, The Brit looks 30.  He wants to get away so she can go host a party and calls her a delicate flower and calls her special.  He doesn’t want to sleep with her.


KleptoJenny is still fumbling on the sidewalk, now on the phone with Long Lost Vanessa, giving LLV advice about if she should call BoringNate.  Making this phone call boring.  KJ says she should call him.


Meanwhile, BoringNate is letting WifeyDutchess fit him with a suit.  She’s happy this affair hasn’t ended and he says, “me too” but it’s incredibly unbelievable.  His cell rings.  AGAIN.  It’s Long Lost Vanessa and he immediately asks her out for later.  He tells Wifey that it was his mom who called about the party tomorrow.


Cut to Slutty Serena and Downer Dan mackin it on the street and talking about how they’re back together and everyone knows.  He thinks things are good and if they tell people, it will all be bad.  She thinks everything will be fine.  They mack it more, and, I shit you not, some girl is one foot away from them, taking a picture of them with her phone, and neither one of them notices.  Much like the girl from the drug store last season who snapped a pic of Serena buying the pregnancy tests.  Really, they need to be more aware.  Not so much Dan, because he’s poor, but Serena needs to not get mugged.


Over to ChuckSlime who’s tightening the belt on his Hefner robe with big-boobed-pretty-girl in tow.  He gets an e-blast—a picture of SluttySerena and DownerDan kissing.  Then Blair gets it.


In the poor house, KleptoJenny screams and runs towards DownerDan, apparently in love with him.  Even RockinRufus now knows DownerDan and Slutty Serena are together again.


Now BoringNate and Long Lost Vanessa are having a boring conversation on the street.  Her phone call made him feel like he could breathe and he wants to make them right.  She wants to go out with him the next night and he says he can’t.  So much for making things right.  He says he’ll reschedule family stuff and they hold hands all smitten-like.  Guess who’s across the street, stalking BoringNate.  You’d be right if you said WifeyDutchess.  If you didn’t say WifeyDutchess, you shouldn’t be watching this show.  It’s the easiest thing to follow and predict and there’s seriously something wrong with you if you couldn’t guess that.


SluttySerena is in a pretty light green frock at Blair’s house; Blair’s wearing a bowtie.  Serena wants to know if Blair’s excited that Eleanor, NastyMom, is coming home and can meet The Brit.  Blair’s pissed off that The Brit hasn’t date raped her yet.  SluttySerena expressed an interest in Blair’s relationship and she’s upset that Blair hasn’t asked about her and DownerDan.  She wants support.  Blair wants to know if they talked about the very real reasons they broke up.  Blair thinks they’re fooling themselves because they haven’t.  The Dutchess calls Blair and Serena leaves in a huff.  Blair tells the Dutchess that the girl she saw Boring Nate with lives in….pause of distain….Brooklyn.  OMFG, how much do I love Blair?


Speaking of BoringNate, he arrives at ChuckSlime’s place.  ChuckSlime calls him Nathaniel.  I love it when Chuck calls him Nathaniel.  Chuck’s still in his robe.  BoringNate says he overreacted about the money and would love to take him up on the offer as a loan.  ChuckSlime thought that he was getting the money elsewhere and Nate admits that the offerer wanted too much in return.  Meaning his penis.  ChuckSlime laments that the money is now tied up in bonds.  BoringNate says he’ll find the money somewhere else. 


Chuck asks him if he’s seen Blair and “Lord Fauntleroy” lately.  OMFG, how much do I love Chuck?  He’s been feeling off his game lately.  Some servant guy comes in to say that the flight from Tokyo has landed and in walks some Japanese girl dressed all in red.  So this is where Chuck’s money really went.  Mail order bride.


KleptoJenny is at her internship and the nasty woman in charge says that some bulimic left them a present in the bathroom.  KJ fits an outfit and goes through a laundry list of horrible tasks she had to do this summer just to get NastyMom to look at her designs.  KJ then tells the nasty woman that something is wrong with the dress.  Nasty Woman says that KJ is like the little birds from Cinderella, covered in feathers and opinionless.  BTW, KJ’s chest is slathered with stuff to make her look sweaty.  Eew.


Now SluttySerena and DownerDan are strolling through the park.  She’s complaining about Blair’s lack of support and says that she and Dan will talk about things when they talk about them.  I really can’t follow much of this because I’m distracted by Dan’s wearing a suit vest with a v-neck purple t-shirt.  If that collar were an inch lower, he’d be Memphis from Big Brother 10.  JudgyLily calls in from Shanghai, where I’m pretty sure it’s 3 in the morning, so she takes the call. 


Meanwhile, DownerDan gets accosted by three tweens all decked out in Chickadee-like handmedowns.  They tell him that SluttySerena is only going to lie to him again and he shouldn’t be dating her again.  He actually tries to defend Serena and logically talk it out with them before calling them creepy and telling them to go.  Serena comes back and they ask how she can forgive him for sleeping with Georgina/Sarah.  She tells them to shoo.  That?  Was Gossip Girl.  Serena says they should talk about some things.  That’s what they’ve been saying since before the White Party, no?  Then Serena goes to do some stuff.  So they still aren’t going to talk. 


Over in Poverty Stricken Brooklyn, Long Lost Vanessa and Boring Nate are on a date.  BoringNate is answering his text messages.  AGAIN.  It’s Wifey, asking where he is.  He tells LLV he’s sorry and LLV suggests he needs to be properly distracted.  Then his cell blips again.  In galavants Blair, who calls the place “half-gallery, half-faux-ho coffee shop.”  Have I mentioned how much I love Blair?  She says she was planning to invite LLV to the party to surprise BoringNate and neither of them believe her.  LLV needs to get a delivery, leaving Blair and BoringNate to bicker about him sleeping with her boyfriend’s mom.  LLV returns and BN agrees to go to the party.


Blair calls WifeyDutchess to report that BN is bringing LLV.  She warns Wifey that her bedroom floor is off-limits.  That’s it.  I want to be Blair.


TokyoRed is still lurking around the Bass-Van Der Woodsen Residence.  Serena envies Chuck.  He says nothing happened.  Serena says he’s had different girls every day.  She can’t believe it.  ChuckSlime can’t get it up and SluttySerena suggests it’s because he’s still in love with Blair.  He admits there’s a blockage and wants to go at Blair once more.  Serena says he can’t use Blair as “sexual Drain-O.”  He congratulates her on getting back with DowerDan.


KleptoJenny is still in the sweatshop, now rehemming the dress she’s not supposed to have an opinion about.  She calls it very 90s, just in time for NastyMom to enter and overhear.  KJ awkwardly introduces herself.  NastyMom is irritated that interns have opinions.  She tells the model to go home because it’s hot.  Then she tells KJ she can’t trust her and orders her to clean out her station and that she won’t get a letter of recommendation.  So ends the sweat shop job.


BoringNate is running boringly through the park.  He looks good sweaty.  He should take off his shirt.  He runs into The Brit who tells him that Dutchess is coming to the party because she and Blair are friends.  Then The Brit leaves and BoringNate gets on his phone AGAIN and calls LLV to tell her that she’s uninvited to the party because she’s poor.


Over in Brooklyn, Rockin Rufus comes home to find Long Lost Vanessa there, all upset that BoringNate left her a message about family drama and how she can’t go with him to the party.  Downer Dan is now ready.  RockinRufus wants to know what everyone else thinks of Dan dating Serena and then asks if he should tag along to the party.  What the?  Rockin Rufus seems to be forgetting that, despite his most recent childish escapades on a band tour bus, he’s NOT a TEENAGER anymore.  DownerDan says that having him there could be awkward but Rufus says he can bring a date.  Oh, no.  If he says LLV is his date, ugh.  Dan doesn’t think a date is completely outside the realm of possibility and leaves.  Then RockinRufus tells LLV to call him or, better yet, stalk him, saying that she never got the message not to come.  Mature, Rufus, real mature.


At the party, Blair, in her yellow one shouldered dress and hair in cascades, gushes to everyone about The Brit.  ChuckSlime slithers in to hit on Blair.  She says that she and The Brit have a great sex life.  Chuck wants to know what names he calls her when they make love and where he touches her.  Then he starts to molest her and talk dirty to her.  Then he says, “have sex with me.”    She responds, “You are disgusting and I hate you.”  Then he retorts, “Then why are you still holding my hand?”  THIS is why they can’t be together.  They’re so great not.


DownerDan is picking up SluttySerena who looks like she may have gotten a boob job.  The lights flicker on and off for no reason.  They wait for the elevator and have an awkward conversation about what they did this afternoon.  We all know they didn’t talk about things they need to talk about.  Maybe they’ll mack it in the elevator. 


BoringNate shows up to the party and Blair wants to know where LLV is.  BTW—that Asian girl and the Random Girl who took Blair’s place for 30 seconds last season are now flocking as the new Chickadees.  BN says that he wasn’t going to fall into Blair’s trap and then scolds WifeyDutchess for using his friends in a power play to get to him.  She apologizes and squeezes his hand to make it all better.  Then Long Lost Vanessa shows up to see them holding hands and says, Oh my God. 


Then the power goes out.


DownerDan and SluttySerena are stuck in the elevator.


Blair calls out that it will all be okay.  BoringNate calls out for Vanessa.


With the lights out, Blair hands out candles, explaining it’s a city-wide black out.  Vanessa wants to leave but they don’t want to let her.  Because no one can go outside in a city-wide blackout.  I’m not quite sure why.  No one explains that.  Then BN pulls her aside to say that him and Wifey are complicated.  She asks if they’re sleeping together and he says yes and that’s the reason he keeps canceling.  She calls her a Mrs. Robinson and says that she didn’t “sign up for some creepy love triangle” with him and someone’s mother.  To somehow make it better, BoringNate explains, “She’s giving me money.”  Because male prostitution makes it all better.  I mean, he is pretty enough, but still.  He goes on to say that there was no other option because he couldn’t be poor.  She wants to know everything.


Blair is telling everyone to get a drink and a candle.  Wifey is looking for Nate. Actually, she asks Blair, “Have you seen Nate?” and Blair responds, “Uh, no, it’s a blackout.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!! Blair tells Wifey to deal with it if Nate went off with Vanessa.  Wifey wonders if The Brit is everything Blair wants and Nate makes her feel alive. 


DownerDan is on the phone in the elevator to tell someone it’s stuck.  They have to wait.  SluttySerena wants to do it.  No, actually, she tells Dan that he should have said her name on the phone because she lives in the building.  He thinks it won’t make a difference but calls back.  Now they’re sending someone.  See what being rich gets you, Dan?


Meanwhile, KleptoJenny is stuck in the sweatshop and NastyMom asks her to hold a flashlight and give her opinions since she can’t be fired twice.  KJ gives good advice.  Then steals the flashlight, no doubt.


BoringNate finishes his tale of woe and tells Long Lost Vanessa he wants to be with her, not Wifey.  She says that he’s better than being a male prostitute.  Then she rubs his face and says she’ll wait for him.


The Brit is on the phone with the building manager.  Blair is trying to make out with him and seduce him.  He wants to get the power back on for the guests.  She wants him to make her feel alive in the bedroom.  ChuckSlime follows her instead.


Wifey shows up in the dark room LLV is in.  They’re both looking for BoringNate.  LLV thinks Wifey is disgusting.  Wifey thinks LLV really cares for Nate because she’s waiting for him.  She says that she’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep him.


ChuckSlime arrives in Blair’s room and she blows out all the candles, making the room pitch black when she hears a British accent.  Then they go at it, her thinking he’s The Brit.  Can’t she smell that it’s Chuck?  Or realize from touching him?  Probably her hormones are getting in the way.


At the sweatshop, KleptoJenny apologizes for criticizing NastyMom.  She says that the first dress she bought was a NastyMom design.  NastyMom tells her to hold the light straight. 


DownerDan tries to get out of the elevator by climbing up into the shaft.  SluttySerena asks Dan why he’s always right as he falls back into the elevator.  Thank you, Serena.  FYI—elevators don’t open like that because of safety reasons because they don’t want people climbing into the shaft if the elevator gets stuck.   She forgives him for Georgina.  He forgives her for mumble mumble mumble.  She can’t change who she is and neither can he.  They keep having the same fight.  He wants to know what happens now.  She doesn’t feel like talking.  He doesn’t either.  And when the elevator repair people get there, he’ll take only Serena to safety.


BoringNate comes back into the other room to find Vanessa.  Instead, he gets Wifey who says LLV had to leave.  The lights come on.


Then in Blair’s bedroom, Blair and ChuckSlime go at it as the lights come on.  And as The Brit comes into the room.  He asks, “Blair?”  She doesn’t seem surprised that it’s Chuck who she’s been kissing.  She seems only minorly upset that The Brit caught her.  She then goes a little hysterical and tells The Brit she thought it was him because ChuckSlime had an accent.


The Brit punches Chuck and runs out.  Blair follows.  He asks if she knew it was Chuck and she says she knew.  She says she wants The Brit, but The Brit says that she wants his title and he wanted her which makes him a fool.  She tells him to show her that she’s not a flower.  So he macks it with her on the stairs.  Now he knows what Chuck tastes like.


At the elevators, BoringNate finds Vanessa.  She asks if he ended things with WifeyDutchess and he says not yet.  She tells him that Wifey loves Nate and he should be with her.  LLV is out for good and leaves.  See what happens when you’re almost poor, Nate?  Even poor people don’t want you.  Then Wifey gives him her hotel key for lunch.  Meaning floor sex.


In the sweatshop, NastyMom wants KleptoJenny to continue to hold up the flashlight even though the lights are back on.  RockinRufus arrives at the sweatshop because he’s worried about KJ.  He’s all sweaty because he walked from Chelsea to the Upper East Side.  In probably five seconds flat according to Gossip Girl geography.  Her phone died.  He was on a date and introduces the woman he’s been dating, Claire.  Claire didn’t want to meet Jenny when she was sweaty.  NastyMom remembers that she has a daughter and should call her.  NastyMom wants Jenny to stop being dramatic and get to work as Rufus and Date get them coffee and sandwiches because anyone who enters the sweatshop is a slave.


The elevator opens for SluttySerena and DownerDan.  Now they’re both scared instead of being scared before when they were stuck.  It was over between them before it started.  He says he still.  She says she knows, her too.  I shit you not, that’s what they say.  Then she says I love you to the closed elevator doors.


ChuckSlime has go his erection back but he won’t stick it in anyone, not even the girl mauling him in the backseat of a car.  His wiener is for Blair only.

Then DownerDan finds Long Lost Vanessa who tells him BoringNate is a prostitute.  LLV says she like Nate, and that’s why she told him to continue his prostitute ways.  Wifey told LLV that if Nate left her, she would tell the FBI where Captain Crunch is hiding.  DownerDan makes a serious frown face and they both stare out at the skyline.


Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 2: Never Been Marcused

Bus Sex and Other Naughty Nasty Things Rich People Normally Don’t Do


Highlights: LowlyDan and SluttySerena agree to be hypocrites together; Blair tries to impress The Lord; BoringNate is so boring; ChuckSlime schemes for the good; RockinRufus comes home; LongLostVanessa is home schooled–since when, we don’t know


The summer is over for our Upper East Siders. 


Gossip Girl’s Summer Tip #1: Don’t fall asleep because morning breath is gross. 


SluttySerena and LowlyDan awake on the beach and kiss good morning and neither is shivering and there’s no wind at all.  The Hamptons at the end of the summer is not exactly scorching in the morning but fine.  She’s confused.  He’s amazed.  She’s still confused, so then he gets confused.  She calls him romantic, but thinks they have to think.  He thinks they’re back together.  They keep kissing and she says they broke up for many reasons but kissing wasn’t one of them.  Then she leaves him to think some more.


Summer Tip #2: There’s no “we;” only you and me.  Find out where you stand before your stand alone.


The Brit Marcus, Blair’s new boy toy, and Blair ride bikes a la Kermit and Piggy in The Muppet Movie.  She wants to know what he plans on doing since he doesn’t go to college.  He says that he’ll go where she’ll go.  Basically, he’s going to be a stalker.  They arrive at a restaurant and she explains that she needs to go back to the city because senior year is coming.  He says something about his parents and she says she’d love to meet them.  He says, “we’ll see.”


Blair goes off and calls SluttySerena.  She calls herself Gregory Peck and proclaims her love for The Brit.  Serena thinks Blair is simply getting revenge on ChuckSlime but Blair insists it’s love.


Speaking of.  ChuckSlime arrives and asks The Brit if he can have breakfast with them.  The Brit says no.  Chuck says the British are supposed to be civil so then The Brit agrees.


Blair tells Serena she feels like a secret summer shame.  Then she asks where Serena had gone off to the night before.  SluttySerena hangs up quickly because she’s so ashamed of Dan.


SluttySerena finds LowlyDan waiting for the Jitney.  She rides the Jitney?  She says they are not going to make out.  She sits and he stands, ensuring that they won’t make out.


Inside the restaurant, Blair finds ChuckSlime sitting in her seat.  She calls him Charles and says she’ll squash him when she finds out that he set up a squash match with The Brit.  Chuck insists that he likes The Brit, too.  He leaves and she asks The Brit for a ride back to the city.


Meanwhile, BoringNate finds BoringMom in her boring garden.  He says he’s going back to the city early.  She tells him that the government sees Captain Crunch’s leaving the country as an admission of guilt so they’ve frozen all their assets and the Archibald family is going down.  She then says she asked grandpa for help and he refused.  Nate can’t believe he’s going to be poor. 


That leads us to Gossip Girl’s Tip #3: Smell flowers.


Nate’s new lover WifeyCatherine leaves a message for BoringNate calling him stupid and saying he should be more clever.  Her phone rings as soon as she hangs up.  It’s The Brit.  He calls her Dutchess.  Oooh, no WAYYYYYY.


So if you haven’t caught on… the married woman that BoringNate has been boringly boning is The Brit’s MOM, the Dutchess. 


DutchessWifeyCatherine says she’ll meet The Brit later in the city.  Then Blair climbs into his limo with The Brit.


Buy Season 1 on DVD.  You can hear Christina Ricci read from the book version.


On the Jitney, SluttySerena hands PovertyStrickenDan a magazine because he can’t afford his own entertainment and their hands touch.  They’re not supposed to be touching.  Then she eats chocolate covered strawberries, licking her fingers, and offers him one but he’s already creamed his pants, which is apropos with strawberries.  She gets up and falls on him.  He gets another boner.  They then go into the bus bathroom together. 


Okay, fine, I accepted that Serena was on the bus in the first place and since she’s so slutty, I’m sure she’d do it in a bathroom.  But have you ever been in a bus bathroom?  No, no, no.  Serena van der Woodsen would NOT have sex in a bus bathroom.  Dan?  Maybe because he’s poor. but bus bathrooms are nasty and gross and too too small.


In the limo, Blair says she’d love to have dinner with The Brit’s mom.  He hasn’t really invited her.  Then Blair says she’s having her big annual Welcome Back To The City party and he can’t come if he goes to dinner.  He says he’ll ditch dinner for the party. 


In a different limo, BoringNate finds ChuckSlime and tells him that he can’t match up to The Brit in squash.  ChuckSlime plans to get The Brit out of the way soon enough so he can have Blair.  He complains that BoringNate is unsupportive in his endeavors.  Then Nate’s phone rings.  Chuck stares out the window, formulating his plan.


Back in the city, LongLostVanessa shows RockinRufus how she’s redecorated the coffee house space.  Honestly, I have no idea where they are.  Are they at the coffee shop she works in?  Are they in his gallery that was converted into a coffee shop?  Does anyone care really?  No.  He says that the road was great and he can’t wait to see his kids.  He gets a coffee to go because he needs to go downtown.  Ew.  The vibe is all about tension here.  If they mack it?  Ew.  So wrong.  There’s more chemistry here than between SluttySerena and PoorDan in the bathroom on the bus.


Nate arrives home to find a federal prosecutor in his house.  They moved in to go through all the possessions to lock up Captain Ahab for good.  BoringNate says he doesn’t know where his father is.  The fed thinks BoringMom won’t be able to hack it in jail.  BoringNate calls DutchessWifeyCatherine because he needs someone to talk to and he talks to her voicemail.


ChuckSlime and The Brit are in the middle of a sweaty racquetball match.  Or it could be squash.  I really don’t know.    The Brit stops and talks but I can’t understand a word he’s saying.  Then they play more angrily and start panting.  The Brit leaves for Blair’s party.  ChuckSlime asks The Brit for his home number.  Basically, this is all foreplay.


At home, Blair tells her maid that she needs to add more people to the guest list for the party that’s not an annual party and she made that up to tell The Brit.  She wants to invite strangers if necessary.  SluttySerena arrives and tells Blair that Blair is completely the Dutchess’s type because Blair is like a dictator.  Blaire wants PoorDan to come to the party because he knows all about soccer, which The Brit calls football.  While she approves of Dan’s knowledge, she’s still happy that Serena is free from DownerDan.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  I’m so calling him that from now on.


BoringNate arrives at ChuckSlime’s place.  ChuckSlime doesn’t want to let him in and Nate wonders if he has a girl in there.  Chuck says he’s in the middle of a business deal and Nate realizes that Chuck is selling the club.  Chuck says it’s to one-up The Brit and asks Nate to leave again.  Nate’s phone rings.  Again.


DownerDan calls SluttySerena to tell her that the bus bathroom wasn’t in the plan and they have no willpower. He realized that they need time apart.  She agrees but doesn’t mean it.  Then she tells him that Blair wants him to come to the party and he says sure, completely negating what he just said. 


BoringNate goes to the poor part of town to find LongLostVanessa because he’s desperate to talk to someone and she’s his last resort.  First she wants him to rat out his dad.  Then she promises to give his mom tips on how to be poor like where to eat tacos and when to shop at the Salvation Army Store.  His phone rings AGAIN.  Really, this is what’s exciting for him.  His phone rings.  That’s the depth of his character.  His mom is calling to say that she fixed the problem by getting money from a friend not exactly on the inner circle and by not asking but having him offer it to her and she didn’t turn it down. 


That roundabout mumbo jumbo can mean only one thing.  She got the money from Chuck Bass.  Am I right or am I right?


BoringNate hangs up in a huff and leaves LLV to go find ChuckSlime.  Before he leaves, he turns and says, “I’m so glad I called you.”  That?  Is so gay.


ChuckSlime broods in his maroon suit.  DutchessWifeyCatherine arrives to meet him. She says she usually doesn’t meet with children and wants to know what he wants quickly.  Apparently, having sex with children is different from meeting with them. 


Now onto Blair’s party.  I love her dress.  It’s strapless and off-white with a dark green viney pattern.  The orchestra finishes and she says she loves Mozart even though they weren’t playing Mozart.  SluttySerena asks her who everyone is at the party and Blair has no clue.  DownerDan arrives and Blair says, “Come meet the Lord.”  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  She drags him to The Brit, she and Serena mumble something about football, and then The Brit offers to get her a drink.  Awwwwwwwkwwwwwaaarrdddd.


DownerDan and SluttySerena pull away and then Serena spots ChuckSlime who Blair didn’t invite.  Blair storms over to Chuck who is about to introduce her to his new friend.  She asks if she’s going to tell her about Botox.  Then ChuckSlime informs her that the woman is The Dutchess.  Serena overhears and comes over but doesn’t help much.


RockinRufus arrives back at the coffee shop and tells LongLostVanessa that the college tour promoter called him about another tour.  She says that her home schooling isn’t all that much work and she can stick around the shop if he needs it.  He thought that the tour would get his need to be on the road out of his system but he’s not sure if he’s finished.  She says again that she can stay if he goes back out on tour.


At the party, Serena wants Blair to apologize to The Dutchess.  Blair tells The Dutchess that her facework is flawless and then lists lots of things ChuckSlime may have mentioned that are all negative reflections of her.  The Dutchess says that Chuck said nothing negative but it wouldn’t matter because she wouldn’t let her son be with a lowly Waldorf.


BoringNate arrives at the party and SluttySerena sees him first.  Then The Dutchess recognizes him and Serena says that The Dutchess and Nate know each other from a summer book club.  As if either of them read.  So Blair is dating the son of the woman Nate has been boning.  Ahh, a love rhombus.


Blair laments to SluttySerena that her party and life are a bust.  She claims she had good intentions in scheming to win The Brit.  Serena tells her to be herself around The Dutchess and the Dutchess will come around.  Then Serena uses the word “denegrate” and goes off to find DownerDan.


BoringNate finds ChuckSlime and tells him he can’t believe that he gave BoringMom money.  ChuckSlime says he didn’t tell Nate because Nate would’ve told him not to.  BoringMom called Chuck to see if Nate was okay but Chuck didn’t know what was going on so when he found out, he offered the money.  Nate is mad at Chuck for lying. 


SluttySerena wants to go with DownerDan to pick up Jenny from the train.  She doesn’t want to think anymore and starts making out with him.  DownerDan discusses the universe.  Then Nate comes over and asks if they’re back together.  They say that they’re just kissing.  The elevator opens and then go in and wait for Nate to go in but he doesn’t because his phone goes off.  It’s WifeyCatherine saying she’s in the library so he decides to go there and not get on the elevator.  Which is totally weird because it makes it seem as if he came up to them and asked them about their kissing because he was interested and a bit pervy instead of happening upon them before he got in the elevator to leave.


BoringNate finds WifeyCatherine and says that it can’t work between them because he doesn’t want to be Blair’s step-dad.  What the?  I don’t think The Dutchess plans to marry you, Nate.  She wants to know about his family problems.


RockinRufus finally arrives at The Poor House.  He listens to a message from Jenny and goes in her room to look at her dresses and patterns.  Then he thumbs through Dan’s story-filled notebook.  I thought he lost his internship for not being able to write a short story.  Rufus then stares at a collage of his kids.  He quickly calls up the tour promoter.   Possibly to get out of there fast, but more likely to say he has to stay home.


Back in the library, WifeyCatherine explains to Nate that his mom wouldn’t simply lost money, but she would gain humiliation.  She wants to help him.  He asks what he needs to do in return.


Blair goes to find Dutchess Catherine in the library.  She finds it empty.  Until she hears…something.  She moves in farther and BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!  Half naked Nate mauling The Dutchess!  Blair’s response: Oh my effin’ God!  Awesome.  Blair doesn’t want an explanation but does want a word with The Dutchess.  She tells the Dutchess she’s sorry for judging her, thinking she was a washed up swimsuit model, and that she now realizes Catherine has a sensitive side, having crept so low as to make out with Blair’s pubescent ex-boyfriend.  Awesome awesome awesome.  We love Blair.


The Brit finds Blair and his mom (really, it’s his step-mom) in the library and asks if The Dutchess has scared Blair off.  She says that she finds Blair to be a treat.


DownerDan and KleptoJenny come home and hug RockinRufus.  He’s made gnocchi and pesto for dinner.  What happened to the Humphrey pancakes?  He wants to hear about The Hamptons.  DownerDan says he’s writing a novel and calls his dad old. 


At SluttySerena’s house, Blair tells Serena that The Dutchess loves her.  ChuckSlime appears.  Serena takes away his orange juice and leaves.  Blair tells Chuck that Catherine is sicker than he is and so she’s finally won her over.  She recognizes someone in Catherine—heh heh, meaning Nate—and says that they’ll get along from now on.  So Chuck has lost out again.  Chuck says tomorrow is another day.  Oh my effin God, there’s so much sexual tension between the two of them, it’s unreal.  More than between RockinRufus and LongLostVanessa and much much more than between DownerDan and SluttySerena. 


BoringNate calls up LongLostVanessa and apologizes, saying he can’t make it back to the poor part of town tonight because he’s fulfilled his poor quota already.  She says it’s fine.  She’s all dressed up and has candles burning and bought Chinese food for them to share.  Chinese food!  A romantic dinner gone to shit.  She blows out the candle.


WifeyCatherine climbs into BoringNate’s limo and hands him a thick envelope.  Then she grabs his hand and he stares out the window with a blank gaze.


When it comes to scandal, we’ll ALL take Manhattan.  It’s good to be back in the city.


Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 1: Summer, Kind Of Wonderful

Whoring In The Hamptons

Highlights: BoringNate gets it on with an old lady; SluttySerena can’t find anyone worthwhile to be slutty with; Blair falls for an accent; ChuckSlime falls for himself; KleptoJenny and Suicidal Eric are friends once again because they’re both bitchy; RockinRufus is on the road; JudgyLily and Father Slime must be on their honeymoon because they’re nowhere to be found; Long Lost Vanessa is lost again

Because I don’t have a DVR and because my VCR doesn’t grasp the concept of Leap Year, this week’s long awaited recap will have to be delayed even further until the CW starts streaming the premier online.  For now, here’s what we’re looking forward to, all gathered from memory, and most likely out of order:

BoringNate has found something semi-interesting to do in the Hamptons over the summer.  That semi-interesting something is a long-limbed blonde.  We’re supposed to think it’s SluttySerena at first because when we last left the kids, they were smiling at each other on the sidewalk, speaking of how they could buddy up in the Hamptons.  Immediately, it’s apparent that this is not SluttySerena.  It’s some woman who is probably married.  We all know that BoringNate is secretly imagining it’s a boy, most likely ChuckSlime, but that doesn’t stop the non-witty banter of how they want to get it on in the worst way and she’s going to take him back to her guest house so her husband doesn’t find them.  I wonder if they’ll get caught.  Hmmm, from the recent commercials showing BoringNate running around the burbs in his underwear, all signs point to You Bet Your Ass They Get Caught.


Speaking of…ChuckSlime is busy on the beach objectifying women.  SluttySerena walks by in a lovely satin frock.  Who wears that to the beach?  That material is the opposite of breathable.  She passes by with a huff and ChuckSlime ogles the three girls some more.  Gossip Girl wonders why Serena is always spotted alone and why Nate is totally off the radar.  Umm, I know the answer to one of those—Nate’s boring.  Perhaps that’s the answer to both.


Meanwhile, back in the city, PovertyStrickenLowlyBoyDan is interning as an assistant for an author who I’m pretty sure is Jay McInerny in real life but is a fake author in Gossip Girl Land.  PoorDan takes interning very seriously—he uses this opportunity to make out with girls behind bookshelves.  He gets one girl’s number and then gets admonished by the author because Dan wasn’t paying attention to the author when the author read Dan’s favorite chapter.  Dan has it memorized.  I don’t doubt that.  He probably recites it to himself as a self-soothing technique so he can fall asleep in his lonely poor loft in Brooklyn while visions of Serena dance in his head even though she’s a slut who kills people and keeps secrets.


Then there’s another girl who also is mackin on LowlyBoyDan.  Gossip Girl wants to start calling him Playboy.  Um, no.  Uh-uh. I will not be referring to Dan as Playboy.  Fred suggested we call him Po’Boy instead.  Heeheeee!  I think we’ll stick with Poverty Stricken, Poor, Lowly, Lowly Boy, or any combination of those.  He can’t be a Playboy for that long.  Because he’s Dan and Dan’s deep and sad and cares too much about people to sleep with every girl he meets.  Plus, he has to write a short story as part of his internship so who has time for girls.


Awww, as punishment for stealing, KleptoJenny is working in a third world country sweat shop, which is really not a far stretch for her since she lives in poor Brooklyn.  Oh, oops, not really.  She’s interning at a bitchy designer’s shop and the bitchy designer isn’t interested in KleptoJenny’s dress because it’s made from stolen goods and as punishment for making an ugly dress, KayJay has to match up buttons for homework.


Both LowlyDan and KleptoJenny are left to their own devices back in poor Brooklyn because their mom, who I guarantee we’ll never see again, went out and RockinRufus is on the road with the band.  Dan wants spicy food and Jenny is too hot for that.  Then Dan stares at Jenny in the way Brandon Walsh used to stare at his twin sister and it gets kinda creepy for a few seconds.  So creepy that KayJay leaves the room with her buttons and PoorDan slams closed his laptop having not written a thing and goes off to find food.


ChuckSlime gets all snazzed up and buys some flowers since he heard that Blair is coming into town.  SluttySerena tells him he’s not going to be able to buy back Blair.  He doesn’t listen and goes to the bus stop to win her back.  I can’t even describe the insane outfit he’s got on.  It’s very bright.  Like, you know that movie with Robin Williams?  He dresses up in a shiny rainbow outfit and dances around for children?  Well, that’s what ChuckSlime has on.  The bus pulls up and Blair disembarks and then, well, well, Blair has a boy toy with her and they mack it.  Chuck gets pissed. 


SluttySerena and Blair are lounging together.  Serena tells her that a lifeguard asked her out.  Blair says lifeguards should be used once and tossed aside.  Serena then goes on a date with the lifeguard and tells Blair to tell anyone who asks that she’s with Boring Nate.  Blair doesn’t understand but says she’ll do it.


BoringNate inevitably gets tossed off the guest house balcony in his undies when the lady’s husband arrives home.  She gave him the choice of under the bed or out the window.  To spice up his boring life a bit, he tucked and rolled out of the driveway.  Then he runs across the street only to almost be hit by a car.  Driven by a lifeguard.  With SluttySerena in the passenger seat.  She’s shocked.  He’s shocked.  They lock eyes and then BoringNate runs off. 


Ah, now I’ve caught on.  Serena has been Nate’s beard.  They’ve made a rumor that they’re dating to cover up the fact that Nate is gay.  Oh, wait, that’s not right.  Not yet, anyway.  They’re covering up his affair with the married lady.


Later on…Damn that Mother Chucker!  Heeheeheeee.  My sentiments exactly, Blair.  Blair and Serena are walking around the Hamptons, bemoaning the likes of ChuckSlime.  Then ChuckSlime and BoringNate show up.  Blair takes to bickering with ChuckSlime.  Serena takes to scolding Nate for dating a married woman because when he said older, she thought he meant college and not old married lady.


And now for the most awkward afternoon luncheon ever.  Here are the attendees: JudgyGranny, SuicidalGayEric, Blair, Blair’s new boy toy, and ChuckSlime who is wearing a creamy green suit and looks like Easter.  And Eric’s the gay one?  ChuckSlime quizzes new boy toy about Blair’s likes and dislikes and Blair despises Charade.  Eric points out that it’s boring for the rest of them who already know Blair to talk about what she likes.  New boy toy says he likes learning about Blair. Then ChuckSlime sees the heart pin on new boy toy’s sweater sleeve.  Chuck gets all bent out of shape and leaves.  Blair runs after him and asks him to tell her that he loves her.  ChuckSlime can’t.  She runs back to the table.  Then she plucks the pin off new boy toy’s sweater anyway, saying it must have gotten caught.  New boy toy hadn’t noticed and doesn’t care and keeps eating.


Suicidal Eric, ChuckSlime, and BoringNate all play croquet.  Fred pointed out that they’re not playing the correct way because when Eric got his ball through the wicket, he was supposed to go again but Chuck took his turn instead.  Damn that Mother Chucker.  Chuck wonders why Blair’s new boy toy told him that he went to Princeton while Blair insists that the boy toy goes to Georgetown.  ChuckSlime calls up his own private investigator as SluttySerena storms into the backyard. 


At some point in the episode, and I’m not sure where because it was completely random, KleptoJenny calls up Suicidal Eric and he’s really bitchy to her because she’s taken three months to call and apologize.  She asks him for a favor and he says he’ll be her friend because he doesn’t have many. 


Now it’s time for the product placement white party.  Vitamin Water is hosting it so we all must now go out and buy Vitamin Water.  The invitation has a picture of Vitamin Water on it.  I know this because we see the invitation when LowlyDan arrives in the Hamptons and goes to JudgyGranny’s house to find SluttySerena and she invites him to be her date to the party.  I shit you not.  JudgyGranny says that after going through her tragedies, she realizes that poor people are people too and if Serena wants to slum it, so be it.  She gives Dan her husband’s white suit and off they go to the party.


Also at the party—KleptoJenny wearing the lace frock she made specifically for the party.  The designer she interns for finds her there and asks how she got in because her name isn’t on the list.  Jenny says she has friends there and then Suicidal Eric comes up with Tinsley Rich Girl and introduces them and Tinsley loves Jenny’s dress.  Later on, the designer kisses Jenny’s ass because Jenny knows rich people.  KayJay says she’ll still intern for the bitchy designer.


SluttySerena goes with BoringNate to the party to make his married girlfriend jealous because she’s there with her old and crotchety husband.  This is obviously not P. Diddy’s white party because people are wearing off-white, Serena has silver in her hair, Nate’s cardigan looks yellowish, and ChuckSlime has black stripes along his seams.  In any case, SluttySerena macks it with BoringNate to make married lady jealous.  PoorDan arrives at that exact time and gets all bent out of shape.  Serena chases him and Dan’s upset, not because she kissed the boring guy, but because she can’t have a simple answer and has a convoluted explanation and can’t tell him exactly why because it’s a secret.  Dude, it’s not like she killed anyone.  Oh, wait a minute, yes she did.  Moving on.


Then the two girls from the bookstore in the city arrive and confront Dan because they found out that he’s a poverty stricken boy from Brooklyn and they have colorful drinks.  At a white party.  I wonder what’s going to happen now.  Uh-oh.  They each pour a drink on Dan—one red and one blue.  Then he turns to Serena and asks if he has a simple explanation.  Ha!  She’s got you there, buddy.  She takes him inside and tries to get the stains out of her grandfather’s suit by rubbing at them.  That makes total sense because as a rich girl, she wouldn’t know to pat rather than rub.  She and Poor Dan decide to leave together but first she needs to say goodbye to people.  JudgyGranny walks by and nods her approval.


Boring Nate and married lady make out in the corner of a room because she’s jealous that he was kissing Slutty Serena.

Then ChuckSlime wants Blair to be his and Blair will have none of it.  She asks him why she should be with him and warns him that “because you’re Chuck Bass isn’t an answer.”  That’s the best line ever.  Chuck has nothing convincing to say so Blair returns to new boy toy.  Oh!  I forgot.  At some point, new boy toy told Blair that he knew she was using him to make ChuckSlime jealous and he thought she didn’t even like him.  To which Blair replied that new boy toy is indeed boring.  Fast forward to them making up at the white party.  He admits that he’s been lying.  He liked that she called him boring because she was being real.  He doesn’t go to Princeton or Georgetown. Then he starts talking with a British accent, tells her he’s a Lord, and then wants her to date him because he figured out she’s the real deal.  She calls him “m’Lord” and then wants to date him now even though he’s still boring and now has lied to her.  That right there is true love.

Also true love?  PoorDan tells Serena he’ll wait for her on the beach.  Which beach?  Where?  The Hamptons is huge and located on an island.  It’s all beach.  Still, SluttySerena uses her PovertyDetector to find Dan who is waiting for her fireside.  We began the episode with her wearing something insane on the beach–satin–and now we end it in the same way–party dress and silver strappy headwrap.


Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 18: Much ‘I Do’ About Nothing

Wedding Bells And A Huge Set Of Balls

Highlights: Captain and Coke is back; ChuckSlime ponders feelings (nothing more than feelings); JudgyLily breaks tradition and Nate breaks the Captain’s face; LowlyDan is drunk with power; Serena piles on the makeup; Blair takes it to Chuck’s shins

Slutty Non-Murderous Serena takes herself for a walk, stalk-calling Lowly Dan.  She decides to take it one step further.  She hails a cab and heads for the poor house.


Bow chick bow wow!  I love it when rich people go slummin. JudgyLily wakes up in Rockin’ Rufus’s arms.  He gets a phone call—THE call—for Lincoln Hawk to go on the road.  JudgyLily reminds him that it’s her wedding day and congratulates him.  She thanks him for last night and he says it was amazing.  Then her phone rings and it’s Bart and she says into the phone that she’s not supposed to see him the day of.  I’m pretty sure she’s also not supposed to sleep with anyone else the night before, but I guess we pick and choose the traditions we keep.


On the richer side of town, Blair awakens to find herself resting next to one ChuckSlime.  Is it wrong that I’m still diggin everything about him and I’m now insanely jealous of her?  Still, I think they make a good couple and would love to see them together, destroying the lives of all around them.  She tells him he’s not athletic and makes fun of his scarf.  She reminds him that they came up with a good idea about taking down Georgina.  He says he has to go write his best man speech.  She pushes him towards the door and he says, They say when you love something, set it free.  She says, when you don’t, you slam the door in its face.  He loves it when she talks dirty.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  I love them!


Captain Kangaroo is out of rehab and back to running with Boring Nate.  They’re happy that things work out and will celebrate at the wedding.  Boring Mom won’t make it though because she’s out in the Hamptons and has to deal with shrubbery.  Boring Nate was hoping they could both meet Long Lost Vanessa.  Capt.’s cell rings and he has to take the call in private.  He has a non-cryptic conversation about slipping out of the wedding unnoticed.


Slutty Serena arrives at Lowly Dan’s place to find GeorginaSarah coming out of Dan’s bedroom.  Serena stares at Dan.  Dan stares at Serena.  Georgina stares at both of them.  It’s a literal love triangle.  Georgina apologizes because she thought it was over.  Dan tells Serena it’s not Sarah’s fault and Serena says it’s Georgina’s fault. Perhaps Dan should remember the name of the girl that emerges from his room.  Georgina says she didn’t mean to get between them, which is exactly the opposite of what she meant to do. 


But really, how can Serena be mad right now?  She’s been acting weird and lying to Dan for weeks and she didn’t tell Dan who Georgina really was which is so incredibly stupid and unbelievable.  Stupid dumb idiotic.  She has no right to be yelling.  Dan says that it’s okay and wants Georgina to stay.  Serena tries to attack Georgina, calling her a manipulative psycho bitch.  Wow, while that may be true, Serena’s turning out to be the wackadoodle in this situation.  She tells Dan that Georgina’s lying. 


Georgina leaves and Serena says she’s telling Dan everything.  She tells him everything with her boobs hanging out of her dress.  He says it’s a lot to handle and wishes she told him sooner.  She knows it’s her fault and he understands that murder and blackmail are difficult subjects.  Serena wants to fix this and suggests to Dan that all he did with Georgina was fall asleep.  As she leaves, she says that when she told her mom not to go away with Rufus it was because she and Dan were forever.  Dan calls Blair when Serena leaves.


JudgyLily arrives in an empty apartment to find FatherSlime.  Why is it that whenever Bart Bass talks, he sounds like he’s doing a very serious voiceover for Feed The Children?  He explains that this is the first building he bought and he likes to come here to think about how rich he is.  She finds comfort in revisiting things that she loved when she was young (aka RockinRufus).  He asks her what he should do.  She wants him to let it go (aka she needs to let Rufus go).  He asks her to do the same for him.  Because he soooo knows that she totally slept with Rockin Rufus last night.


Lowly Dan is at Blair’s calling Georgina.  He leaves a voicemail that says he wants to see her because he and Slutty Serena got into a fight.  Blair tells Dan she’ll talk him through the dirty work.  Georgina calls right back and says she’ll meet him at their spot in the park by the pond.  Blair applauds Dan’s knack for lying.


In the park, Georgina says that last night was fun.  Dan says that when he does things like that, it means a lot.  She’s sure Slutty Serena told Poor Dan lots of things but she feels a lot for him and he doesn’t know how to explain last night.  She asks if he can go back to Serena and leave her all alone.  Blair pops out of nowhere and says that she’s not alone at all.  She present to them Georgina’s parents!  And either a second father or a body guard.  Blair explains that her parents said Georgina was supposed to be on the equestrian circuit but sold her pony for cocaine and then she went to rehab, broke out, and went to Ibiza.  Blair gives her a brochure for a boot camp for troubled teens.  Georgina’s parents are thankful that Blair did the research.  Blair claims to be the only crazy bitch on the UES.  You bet you are, Blair!


Over in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Rockin Rufus and Lowly Dan discuss Rufus’s call to fame and fortune as well as how he didn’t come home the night before. Dan rubs salt in Rufus’s wounded heart by reminding him that he’s going to the wedding.  Rufus thanks Dan for going to the wedding instead of lodging protest.


Long Lost Vanessa emerges from KleptoJenny’s room wearing a bright orange frock.  Awww, Pretty In Pink goes tangerine dream!  I suppose this means Vanessa is going to the wedding with Boring Nate.


At the wedding, Blair approaches ChuckSlime to tell him that her work with Georgina is done, and she got Dan to get his clean hands dirty.  Wouldn’t Dan’s hands be dirty already from all the poverty?  She informs ChuckSlime that since Georgina was their only connection, she and he are no longer on speaking terms. ChuckSlime refers to Georgina and Whore-gina and I pee my pants.  These two would make the supreme power couple.  Blair kicks him in the shins with a bright pink pump.  Go Blair.  It’s your birthday!  Get busy!


O Captain My Captain arrives with Boring Nate and Capt. says hi to ChuckSlime and then Nate and Chuck have another awkward grunt of a greeting.  Apparently, coming together to save Slutty Murderous Serena didn’t bring their friendship back around.  Capt. comments that he missed a lot when he was learning to not snort coke in the poor rehab in Brooklyn and reminds them that no girl is worth destroying a friendship they’ve had for so many years.  ChuckSlime couldn’t agree more and Nate says that’s the problem.  Ooooh, no he didn’t!


Blair finds Serena and asks how things are going in the forgiveness department.  Slutty Serena says she’s working on it.  Blair says that Dan’s the one who has to forgive Serena, and not the other way around.  Hahaha.  This is why I love Blair.  Serena’s makeup is insane.  Stop it with the eyeliner and blackest mascara.  And let me ask it here: what’s up with the high neck flower halters?  Blair’s dress would be much prettier if it were a simply pink flowery pattern without a big poof of a flower on her chest.  Serena’s dress would be much prettier if it was a simple green and yellow dress without a noose adorned with green flowers. 


Outside, Captain Ahab finds the guy he was talking to on the phone.  He forks over some cash to the stranger and receives and envelope.  ChuckSlime looks on and asks some servant dude to keep an eye on the Captain.


RockinRufus comes in quietly to JudgyLily’s dressing room to ask JudgyLily if she wants him to call off the wedding.  She says that it’s been too long and they haven’t found a way to make it work with each other.  He just got divorced and doesn’t want to be married right away but she does.  Then she says, It’s not about FatherSlime’s money, which means it’s ALL about the money, especially since she follows it up with, you can never have too much money.  She likes the way he treats her and she loves him, kinda.  Rufus begrudgingly does not protest much more.


Suicidal Gay Eric wonders aloud where his mom is as he waits with ChuckSlime and FatherSlime at the altar.  Hooray, Eric has a line this episode.


Lowly Dan and Long Lost Tangerine Vanessa arrive at the wedding.  Why didn’t Nate pick her up?  Serena arrives and Vanessa goes to find her seat.  Dan tells Serena that he didn’t sleep with Georgina but he may as well have.  She has to go.


Back in the dressing room, Rufus says he loves Lily.  She loves him too.  He tells her not to trip.  Is he going to walk her down the aisle and give her away?  That would be awesome.


Finally, Serena walks down the aisle to start the ceremony.  Lily walks down the aisle alone (booooo—it would have been much better with Rufus).  ChuckSlime, in a very real moment, grabs his dad’s arm and squeezes.  Eric looks like he’s going to keel over or puke or both.  Gossip Girl says that we are gathered here today to witness this man and this woman totally F things up, and she’s talking about Dan and Serena, I think.


Reception time already!  LowlyDan and Slutty Serena awkwardly make conversation and she leaves for air. 


Some guy comes over to whisper sweet nothings into ChuckSlime’s ear.  He thanks the guy and walks over to Boring Nate.  Boring Nate doesn’t want to talk to Chuck so Chuck lightly places his hand on Nate’s manly shoulder.  Firm but sweet.  Awww.  I feel the love. Do you?  Nate abruptly stands up and Chuck tells him about Capt. doing a deal before the ceremony. Nate doesn’t want to believe it.  Chuck apologizes for being in love with Blair and insists that Nate go outside to see Capt.


Boring Nate goes outside and finds his boring dad driving away in a limo.  He asks what’s going on and Capt. says he left him a note saying he’s sorry.  Nate explains that if he relapsed, they can get him help and it’s okay.  That’s actually very genuine too because, so often, kids who have parents who are addicts become the parent in the situation.  However, that’s not the case. Captain has decided to skip town and country so he doesn’t spend the next 25 years in jail because he doesn’t have lawyers good enough to get him house arrest or a simple fine like other rich people have.  He didn’t tell Nate because he didn’t want his son to be an accessory.  Nate asks what about his mom, and Capt. says that his mom got him a private jet.  Capt. asks Nate to be the man of the family.  Nate says it’s been that way for a while.  So Nate finally pays the Capt. back.  He rears back and punches him right in the nose.  And the Capt. goes down! 


Nate and Chuck share a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes.


Blair sits down next to Vanessa to annoy her.  Vanessa points out that she’s with Nate and Blair’s at the singles’ table.  Blair feels sorry for Vanessa because it’s the second time she’s falling for someone in love with Serena. 


Outside, Nate thanks Chuck.  Chuck says it’s bigger than the other stuff.  They apologize to each other for everything and shake hands.  Shake hands?  Really?  Then again, they’re smarter than Suicidal Eric and the Dog Walker. They’ll save the fiddling with each other’s ties for later when they have some private time.  Nate asks, So you said you loved her?  ChuckSlime smirks.  Nate is clearly jealous and won’t go back in.  Vanessa pops up and makes Chuck go inside so she can hear from Nate his long story of how he and Chuck broke up.


Poor Dan finds Slutty Serena sitting by herself in the ivy covered chairs where the ceremony was.  She says she can forgive him for hooking up with Georgina.  He says he can’t forgive her and wants to break up with her.  She lied too much and it was too easy.  She cries that it wasn’t easy at all.  He says that she let him be with a girl who had a fake name.  She says she couldn’t say anything.  He says, because you were hoping I wouldn’t find out you killed someone.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Who SAYS that?  He reminds her that she slept with two guys and she corrects him that she didn’t sleep with them.  That was part of the spool of lies she made because she thought sleeping with two guys at once was more forgivable than giving some guy a line of coke that he died from.  She wants to know if they’ll go away for the summer and then see each other the first day of school in September.  He says, I guess, yeah.  Heeheeeee.  That’s awful and brilliant!


Now it’s time for the best man speech.  ChuckSlime reads from some index cards about going after what one wants even when what one wants doesn’t want one back.  Then Chuck catches Blair’s eye.  He throws down his cards and talks about not giving up the chase when you’re chasing true love.  He discusses forgiveness and becoming someone worthy of a second chance.  HE hopes he’s lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for him.  Meaning Blair. 


JudgyLily and Father Bart Slime dance.  Blair tells Chuck he gave a good speech and he says he was inspired by the moment and knows he did some horrible things.  She says, Like telling Gossip Girl about our sex life?  He tells her that she doesn’t belong with Nate and never has.  Then they kiss!  Power Couple of Evil united at last!  Blair tells Chuck, Chuck Bass is a romantic, who knew?  He says, you do and that’s all that matters.  Meaning he doesn’t want word to get out.  Lowly Dan asks Serena if she’s seen Vanessa who’s lost again and some guy pushes the two of them onto the dance floor.  Slutty Serena says he can let go when the pushy guy leaves but Dan doesn’t want to let go.  He likes to send mixed messages now that he’s got hand in their relationship.  Finally.


One week later, Rockin Rufus is on his tour bus.  KleptoJenny calls him with an update about her mom and Dan.  She got an internship through Parson’s with Waldorf Designs.  Hahaha.  That’s Blair’s mom.  Jenny ain’t so excited any more.


Blair is home packing because ChuckSlime invited her to go abroad in his dad’s plane.  Serena can’t believe that the two of them are going away.  Blair has to sit in the jump seat to Teeterboro and will meet Chuck there.  Serena’s looking forward to staying out of trouble and it’s best that she hasn’t spoken to Dan since the wedding.


ChuckSlime waits around for his dad to come home before skipping town with Blair.  He passes the time by chatting it up with Nate who is very gay right now.  Nate says taking Blair to Europe is a big step.  Nate’s dressed like a sailor.  Chuck asks if Nate will sweat out the summer in Brooklyn.  Nate says no and Chuck wonders what happened between him and Punky Brewster. HAHAHHAHAAAAA.


Over in Brooklyn, Dan asks Punky the same question—what happened between her and Man Bangs.  OMIGOD. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!! Man bangs.  HAHAHHAHAAAAA.  Vanessa admits that Nate is prettier than her but things didn’t work out because Nate is boring and gay.  Dan doesn’t want her to ask about Serena.  He promises Vanessa a summer of Dan Humphrey.  God help us all.


When Nate hangs up with Chuck, he runs into Serena.  She asks him when he’s ever been happy because it’s almost summer and she’s frisky.  She’s going to the Hamptons to reflect alone.  Nate is going to take a break too.  She says that if he wants to reflect alone together, she’ll be around.  Umm, didn’t she say she’d be in the Hamptons.  He asks what she’s doing right now.


Blair arrives at the heliport and asks some guy in a suit if that’s the Bass Helicopter.  The guy in the pink tie asks if ChuckSlime is terrifying.  He likes the jump seat because he feels in control by watching the pilot.  Blair gets that.


ChuckSlime gets a text from Blair that says she can’t wait to see him.  FatherSlime says that he’s proud of Chuck and that having a girlfriend will change Chuck’s life.  Chuck says the great thing about Blair is that she knows he’ll never change.  FatherSlime goes on about how Chuck will learn responsibility, sacrifice, faithfulness, and taking into consideration other people’s feelings.  Chuck mumbles, Feelings??? FatherSlime effectively makes Chuck do the opposite of what his dad is praising him for. 


JudgyLily comes in and introduces the interior designer Amelia to them.  As they all go off, ChuckSlime smashes the vase of roses he’d bought for Blair, grabs a single rose from the garbage, and tells Amelia to hang on.  He wants to discuss plans for his room with her.  She asks who he is.  He answers: I’m Chuck Bass. 


Oh, hell the fuck yeah you are!  Mmm, mmm, mmm.  First off, I’d like to admit that I am completely lecherous.  Secondly, I was going to go on a rant about how anyone could want to be with Chuck after he tried to rape Klepto Jenny AND Slutty Serena.  How. Ev. Er.  I know exactly how.  He’s Chuck Bass. That’s all there is to it.  Even with his stupid houndstooth and plaid and argyle and knitted vests and orange jumpsuit pants and his dumb scarf, he’s Chuck Bass.  Now if Father Slime hadn’t given him that speech and he went away with Blair unaware that he would become a new man, would he still be Chuck Bass upon his return to the UES?  I mean, if he no longer sleeps around and plays mind games, will he have to call himself Charles or Charlie?  No matter—he’s still Chuck Slime Bass. 


Blair gets a text from ChuckSlime saying that he won’t make the flight but will book something commercial. The guy wants to flip Blair for the jump seat.  Blair says ten hours makes the heart grow fonder.


Rufus sits on his bus writing.  Jenny continues to make ugly dresses.  Vanessa and Dan annoy people on the sidewalks of Brooklyn while Nate and Serena are so so pretty on the streets of the Hamptons.  The helicopter takes off and XOXO, it’s summer time.  See you in the Fall back on the Upper East Side.


I’m totally going to be suffering from withdrawal over the summer. That’s when the best gossip takes place!

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 17: Woman On The Verge

Ain’t Nothing Like A Murder To Bring Former Friends Together Again

Highlights: Boring Nate makes a date; Long Lost Vanessa and Rockin Rufus have an odd friendship, no?; Blair and Chuck form a dynamic vengeful duo; Serena is a slut and a murderer and a drug user and a drunk; Lily judges people; Eric must have committed suicide because he’s nowhere to be found; Dan finds solace in Sarah even though her name is Georgina and she made a snuff film

Georgina is working on her friendship with Serena by stalk-calling her non-stop.  Gossip Girl suggests Slutty Murderous Serena doesn’t want to be found. 


In the poor house, Lowly Dan and Rockin Rufus banter on about Rufus’s set list.  Rufus brags about how he used to have a popular band and Dan replies by pointing out that VH1 Classics is for old washed up rockers.  Dan tells him about how Slutty Murderous Serena has been lying to him.  Rockin Rufus calls him judgmental.  I love Rufus in these episodes.  He has a great knack for pointing out the flaws of his children.


Boring Nate shows up at Long Lost Vanessa’s work.  I suppose their love affair is back on after last episode and no mention of it.  He has to run but wants to make a date.  They’re going to go to a concert.  Could it be the concert of The Washed Up Rockin Rufus Band?


Judgy Lily and Father Slime are planning their wedding.  The wedding planner goes all JT/Madonna on them and admonishes: tic toc tic toc tic toc.  Lowly Dan arrives in search of Serena who is surely either murdering someone, giving some head, or piling on more makeup until we can no longer distinguish one facial feature from another.  ChuckSlime insults the housekeeping and receives a call, telling the person that Serena never came home. 


ChuckSlime and Boring Nate wind up in the same elevator together.  Boring Nate clenches his jaw to hold back tears of anger and sadness.  ChuckSlime lowers his head and offers a very weak, Hey.  Awwww, it’s the first time they’ve actually been alone together after their very public breakup; of course, it’s painfully awkward.  They don’t speak but that’s less because they’re in an elevator and more because there’s nothing left to salvage, and they both disembark at Blair’s place.  ChuckSlime asks if it’s a perverse double date.  The maid comes out and says that Blair is on her way.


Georgina is still stalk-calling Serena, threatening to buy her coffee.  SarahG runs into Dan on the street and of course he comes running right over.  He tells her that Serena hasn’t been herself lately.  SarahG suggests that he call again because she’ll definitely pick up if he calls.  Then whadya know—Dan’s phone rings.  However, it’s not Serena.  It’s the bartender who works at the bar where she left her phone last night.  The bartender says she left with three guys and didn’t pay.  I hope he doesn’t expect Dan to pay because Dan is very very poor.


Blair arrives in the elevator and before the two unhappy boys can really say anything,  Blair tells them she meant what she said: she needs their help.  She leads them to the elevator where Slutty Murderous Serena is crouched in the corner, semi-hyperventilating with her shoes off.  Nate and Chuck grab her and walk her upstairs while Blair calls for the maid to make some coffee.  Because coffee cures murder.  Oh, and Serena has two black narrow smudges where her eyes used to be.  Still, her hair looks fabulous!


Nate and Blair drag Serena towards the shower as ChuckSlime tells them to give her bagels.  As Blair undresses Serena, ChuckSlime tries to sneak a peek.  Nate closes the door and asks Chuck if he’s enjoying it.  Chuck slime says it brings up good memories.  Serena pukes and Blair comes out, wanting bagels.  They ask Blair what happened and Blair says that Serena was scared so she tried to give Serena some Valium but Serena disappeared. 


Meanwhile, Rockin Rufus loads up the van and tries to ignore the fact that JudgyLily is on the front page of the Post and getting married.  Long Lost Vanessa starts to give Rufus advice about Dan.  Then she tells Rufus that she loves the picture of him in his concert poster.  Oooh, I can see it now—Vanessa and Rufus are so gonna get it on.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow.  But some day.  Oh, Gossip Girl, please make it happen.


Cut to Judgy Lily looking at the same photograph, telling some guy where she was when that picture was taken.  The guy asks if she was in volved with Rufus Humphrey when she took the picture and why she gave up photography.  Dan comes to the door to interupt and JudgyLily is actually happy to see him.  He’s still looking for Serena.  JudgyLily suggests that since Charles said he was going to Blair’s, that’s probably where she is.  Charles as in ChuckSlime.  Dan goes away and the random guy is still asking Lily about photography.  She says she wasn’t in love with Rufus a whole lot.  That satisfies random guy enough for him to leave.


Lowly Dan arrives at Blair’s and gets all kind of confused.  He asks, Don’t you all hate each other?  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Then Blair answers, Yes.  Even MORE HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!  ChuckSlime says that Serena isn’t there.  Blair agrees.  Then she tells Dan that Serena doesn’t want to see him.  So he does exactly what any normal boyfriend would do—he yells her name out.  Serena comes out of hiding with her hair tied back and no makeup on.  She has eyes!   Dan asks what’s going on and she insists it’s hard to explain.  He’s sick of being out of the loop.  He asks her if she slept with someone.  She says yes.  Oh, man, I love this show.  We get a quick peek at ChuckSlime and Blair who are standing by all uncomfortable having to witness this.  Chuck’s looking off in the distance (actually, he may be gazing at Nate), and Blair’s got her eyes glued to the floor.  Heeheheeeee.  Dan whispers, “I’m done.  I’m done.”  He leaves in the elevator with a look of shock on his face.  SarahG calls at that very moment, asking if he found Serena.  He wishes he hadn’t.  He decides to meet SarahG in the park because she’s a good listener.  Aww, now Dan’s not even rich by association.


JudgyLily and Father Slime are still discussing the wedding.  She wants this wedding to be more perfect than her three previously perfect ones.  She gets a call from Serena but it’s not Serena—it’s Blair’s maid.  Lily treats her as such, trying to not talk to her at all because the wedding is more important.  The maid charges on, though, and suggests that Lily have worry about her daughter because her daughter is like the way she was before she went away to boarding school—slutty, drunk, and murderous.  Lily tears herslef away from Father Slime.  She then goes through a bunch of drawers until she finds the little disk drive thingie that Georgina gave to Serena with the murder on it.


Back over at Blair’s, Serena can’t believe she just did that but she’d rather Dan think she cheated even when she didn’t than know the truth because he put her on a pedestal.  ChuckSlime says, “Now you’re scaring ME—what did you do?”  Heeheeheee.  Nate prods her to tell them.  Blair tells Serena that none of them are saints and she can trust all of them.  Chuck and Blair had sex in a limo several times.  Nate had sex with Serena while he was Blair’s date.  Chuck admits to being Chuck Bass.  See?  All immoral so what’s a little killing among friends? 


SluttyMurderousSerena reminds them of Georgina Sparks.  Chuck can’t forget her—he lost his virginity to her in sixth grade.  She says that something happened the night of the Shepard wedding aside from her sleeping with Boring Nate and now Georgina is blackmailing her.  She recounts the sleeping with Nate and then says she left right away because she felt guilty and headed towards Georgina’s, with whom she had plans. 


Ooooh!  Meanwhile, JudgyLily is WATCHING the sex tape that Georgina secretly made on that night.  This is so good!  Complete with the line about Serena going down with anything.  Serena admitted what she did to Georgina and then the guy on the tape breaks out the coke.  Fast forward and the guy is trying to do it with Serena even though she’s too hot.  They both take off her shirt and she’s practically passing out as he macks it with her.  Then she starts mackin it back.


Serena continues telling the story.  She pushed the guy away and suggested doing a few lines.  He did some and then started seizing.  The video camera got knocked over, but we still see Serena’s flashback.  She fought with Georgina, wanting to call 911. Serena calls 911 with the guy’s phone.  Serena tells Blair, Nate, and Chuck that she waited near the hotel to make sure the paramedics would help the guy whose name is Pete but then she saw him in a body bag.  She took a train north and convinced her mom that boarding school was a good idea.  Blair says that her disappearance makes sense now.  Serena explains that Georgina came back and didn’t like the new Serena and so she made up a new identity as Sarah and befriended Dan.


Blair asks why she doesn’t simply tell Dan about it.  Thank you!  Thank you, Blair!  That’s what I’ve wanted to know for a week.  Serena tells them about the video that’s practically a snuff film.  Chuck looks at Nate.  Nate looks at Blair.  Blair looks at Chuck.  Heeheeheeeeee!  So good.


Wedding Day!  Wedding Day!  JudgyLily is getting married!  She’s wearing black.  In fact, everyone is wearing black.  Serena arrives with Blair and Lily grabs Serena and judges her and asks her about being on drugs and says she saw the snuff film but stopped when she saw tongue.  She tells Serena that she’s out of control and will send Serena to reformatory school.  Blair runs up to Serena and Serena cries a lot.


Dan arrives at the show with SarahG.  Long Lost Vanessa tunes Rufus’s guitar (man, I wish that were a euphemism).  Oh, and Lisa Loeb is there.  What the?  Okay, then.  Dan tells Rufus that Jenny called from Allison’s house to tell him to break a leg.  Then some girl calls out, Hey Georgina!  It’s one of five girls in the audience, the audience being only those five girls.  SarahG drags Dan away before he catches on.


Back at the wedding, Blair tells JudgyLily that Serena is in pain and the pain won’t go away if Serena goes away.  She says that Serena has a secret that’s catching up to her.  Blair tells Lily that Serena needs her mom.


BoringNate calls Long Lost Vanessa to tell her he’s going to be late because he’s taking the subway and may get mugged or lost along the way.  Vanessa says she’ll be waiting for him with Dan and Sarah.  Nate tells Vanessa that Sarah’s real name is Georgina and not to trust anything she says. 


ChuckSlime hands Lily a piece of paper at the wedding.  Then Nate calls Blair to tell her that he’s going to Brooklyn and Georgina will be there.  Blair decides to pick up Nate to go with him. 


Oh, this isn’t the wedding.  It’s a rehearsal dinner.  Lily decides she needs to put her daughter first for once and tells Father Slime she needs to leave.  He wants an explanation but she refuses one.


Blair tells Chuck that she knows where Georgina is.  Chuck says, “Let’s get the bitch.”  Yes, it’s official: I am totally in love with Chuck.  Really, for however much they all hate each other here and there, they are so very awesome to come together in times of drug-induced murder.


Lily takes Serena to someone’s house where Serena doesn’t want to go.  Lily gives her a pep talk about moving forward.


Lisa Loeb is back on stage, hosting the concert.  Vanessa confronts SarahG, calling her Georgina.  Georgina doesn’t know what Long Lost Vanessa is talking about.  Vanessa says that she and Dan don’t like liars.  Georgina walks away and Vanessa tells Dan that Sarah is Georgina.  Then she needs to go give Rufus his set list. 


Lily and Serena come out of the house.  Serena’s not okay.  She feels terrible.  Peter’s parents told them that Peter was an addict for ten years and Serena isn’t responsible because she was sixteen at the time.  Lily tells Serena that she’s a good person.  So Lily basically backpedals on everything she told Serena a few hours ago.  Serena wants to go see Dan.


Lisa Loeb is singing “Stay.”  Dan confronts Georgina about her fake name.  Georgina says that her ex boyfriend got out of control when she broke up with him.  She says that her ex broke into her car and house and she changed her number and he still found her.  So she changed her name and moved.  Dan understands.  He doesn’t think less of her simply because she’s been falling for him.  Dan suggests they leave the concert and not watch his dad play so they can talk in private. 


Finally, Lincoln Hawk plays.  Rockin Rufus is a high soprano!  Who knew?!  ChuckSlime and Blair arrive asking for Georgina.  Nate and Vanessa say that she left.  Serena arrives looking for Dan.  They tell her that Dan left with Georgina.  She asks Blair to help her find him.


JudgyLily hears the band playing and can’t help herself.  She goes into the concert and stares at Rufus on stage.  He sees her in the corner even though it’s really dark.  They make eye contact.  He plays even harder and sings even higher. Go, soprano, go!  Lisa Loeb asks for an encore but Rufus runs off stage to find Lily who left.  He blocks her path on the street.  She keeps saying, Get out of my way, and he keeps saying, NO. So then they mack it.  On the night of her wedding rehearsal dinner.

Serena gets a phone call from Dan’s phone.  But it’s Georgina.  She says that all bets are off and she plans to either kill Dan or make him have sex with her, I’m not sure which.  Dan brings Georgina some coffee so Georgina hangs up on Serena.  Then they mack it, too. Apparently, even soulful, emotional Dan sometimes listens to his hormones instead of analyzing every second.

Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 16: All About My Brother

A Gay Epidemic On The Upper East Side

Highlights: Eric’s gay–that happens halfway through the episode but really, who didn’t know that already?  He’s as gay as Nate.  Anyway, back to the highlights: Georgina’s still Sarah, KleptoJenny breaks up with her dad and clings on to her gay boyfriend, Dan gets jealous when he thinks someone else took Jenny’s virginity before he had the chance, Lily judges her son

Everyone loves a cliffhanger.  The rich kids left us with lots of unanswered questions:  Who’s coming out of the closet?  (Obviously, Eric, as if he needs to come out).  What exactly did SluttySerena do that SluttyGeorgina knows about that’s gonna be all over the internet?  It can’t be that bad—we already know she slept with her best friend’s boyfriend and she was caught buying a pregnancy test which wasn’t for herself.  Why is ChuckSlime being so, you know, human?  Will Rufus eat the free hot dogs of KleptoJenny’s new beau? (again, obviously yes because he’s poor).  Why does SluttyGeorgina call herself Sarah and will LowlyDan figure out she’s really Georgina and where the heck did that dog come from?  Let’s find out!


Wow, all the bright spring colors are back in the form of coats and tights and shoes.  Blair and KleptoJenny still have their claws out in a power struggle.  Blair doesn’t get invited to a party that KleptoJenny does. Jenny says the party planner is calling her. 


Rockin Rufus is on the other end instead, asking KleptoJenny if she can have a dinner date with him because he’s lonely.  She totally blows him off and tells the girls that the lacrosse team is coming to the party.  Then the Rich Dog Walker shows up and they cuddle.


Meanwhile, SluttySerena and Suicidal Eric talk about the rumors on Gossip Girl that Eric reads on his phone.  Eric reads Gossip Girl, just like all the other gay boys and boys who hit on their sisters (ahem, Dan.)


Now Sarah/Georgina is makin friends with Long Lost Vanessa.  Apparently, she and Dan have taken Sarah/Georgina in because she’s new to the city and the subway.  SarahG tells Dan that Jenny’s obsession with the Dog Walker is perfectly natural and casually asks him about his girlfriend, what was her name again, oh that’s right Serena.  He says they’re okay and she says she wants to meet her.  LowlyDan gives one of his rambling moronic answers before saying that they can all meet up tonight.


Back at school, Suicidal Eric asks KleptoJenny where she’s been because she doesn’t return his calls.  She says that her new boyfriend keeps her busy along with her newfound glory as career criminal.  He asks her how long she’s known the Dog Walker and she thinks it’s sweet that he’s being protective.  First, Eric says he’s not being protective, but then he says he is.  Okay, so this is where the situation must be headed: Eric is gay and Dog Walker is/was/wants to be Eric’s gay lover because they bonded at the Ostroff Center when they both failed to commit suicide because they both felt so alone in the world being the only two gay guys on the planet, or in the UES, as if it makes a difference.  Jenny asks Eric if he has a crush on her and she says she’s flattered but her heart wants the Dog Walker.  Oh, little J, you have no clue.


Lowly Dan runs after Slutty Serena who complains about studying for the S. A. T.’s.  She refuses to use the score ChuckSlime bought for her.  He asks Serena if she can have dinner with SarahG tonight but Serena already agreed to have family dinner.  LowlyDan complains about KleptoJenny’s new boyfriend because Dan wants to have his sister all to himself and Serena tells Dan to give the Dog Walker a chance.   SarahG gets a text that plans for dinner have fallen through.


Then LowlyDan emerges from the building and then stops short and backs up.  Gay kissing on the street!  Gay kissing on the street!  This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen.  It’s in the middle of the day and two guys from the prep school are fondling each other’s ties and then one looks around to see if anyone is looking IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and then hunches over and kisses whoever the other guy is.  Then he looks around again ON THE BUSY STREET, feels as if he’s in the clear, and walks away all stealthily.  Dan comes back out and the other guy has vanished.  However, I think Dan saw who it was and we’re just being strung along to think of who it could be (Eric/Dog Walker/NATE). 


JudgyLily is busy planning a wedding and tells the planner seat Eliot Spitzer as far from Serena’s table as possible.  I wonder if that’s to keep the leacherous Spitzer away from Serena or to keep Slutty Serena away from Spitzer.  Hey, maybe THAT’S what’s on the video Georgina has of Serena.  Rockin Rufus shows up looking slightly disheveled.  Lily asks, What are you doing here?  Really, she does.  As in, What are you doing here?  How did you afford to get to this side of town?  Do they let people like you into the UES?  Really?  Rufus says he was looking for her, and she tries to blow him off because she’s busy planning her wedding.  He stops her, asking for a mother’s advice since Allison is a big bitch ho-bag away on an artist retreat.


Meanwhile, LowlyDan finds DogWalker to say, hey man you’re gay.  Dog Walker denies it and asks, Are you calling me queer?  Dan answers, Yes.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!!  Dog Walker says that he’s so queer that he’s gonna pop Dan’s sister’s cherry tonight. Nice goin, Dan.  You saved your sister from rapy ChuckSlime at the beginning of the season only to cause her to be raped by some rich Dog Walker anyway.  They scuffle and Klepto runs out to break it up.  Dan wants to talk to Jenny alone (meaning make out with her) and she says he can say anything in front of her boyfriend.  So Dan’s like, Oh really well then…but Dog Walker jumps in and invites Jenny to his country house.  Jenny wants Dan to want her to be happy.  Dan wants to get in his sister’s pants.  Jenny calls her boyfriend a legacy and even Dan should know that jealousy clashes with L. L. Bean pants.


Blair wants to have girls night out with Serena but she has dinner with the family.  Dan arrives on the steps to tell them he’s worried about Jenny because of who she’s with AND she dissed his pants.  Blair agrees with Jenny on the pants and says girls like her care only about the four G’s: guys, girlfriends, and Gossip Girl.  What about giggling?  Goggles?  Gum drops?  Georgina—ooh, that’s a tricky one because it starts with a G but sounds like a J.  Anyway, they tell him not to worry.  He says nothing of the gay kissing to change their minds.  With all the rambling he does, he stops at a weird time.


RockinRufus is bemoaning the trials of his little girl growing up to JudgyLily.  He read Jenny’s email.  JudgyLily said that she needed Botox because of Serena’s indiscretions which were X-Rated.  She tells Rufus that Jenny will come back to him.  Rufus puts a bracelet on Lily.  It’s the closest he’ll get to real jewels ever.


Over at the rich school, the girls read up on Jenny’s homosexual boyfriend.  They’re all happy that Gossip Girl got her balls back.  Jenny accuses Blair of the false story and Blair says she wishes it were her but she didn’t do it.

SluttySerena gets a call from the concierge desk about a package for her from Georgina.  Serena gets that look on her face that says she just shit her pants.  She totally blows Dan off in time for Blair to call him dirty.  She asks him how he came up with telling Gossip Girl that Jenny’s boyfriend is gay.  She says that if he can prove that Dog Walker is gay, then Blair can prove that Gossip Girl is reliable, and then Jenny will break up with him and everyone will be happy.  He doesn’t want to hurt his sister. Um, then why did he contact GG in the first place?  Telling the whole world that her boyfriend is gay isn’t hurting her?  And how gay is it that Dan told GG?  Seriously.  He tells Blair he wants no part of it even if Dog Walker is using Jenny as a cover.


Now Rufus is helping Lily buy her wedding dress.  That’s not exactly right.  She takes his breath away.  They both ache so much.  Ah, the world is so cruel! A love like theirs could never work!  Alas alas alas.  Moving on.


Back at school, the chickadees are still roaming the halls because no one ever goes to class.  I hope their S. A. T.’s last week were about how to text your friends because they don’t learn anything.  SluttySerena runs into KleptoJenny and says she’s in a rush.  Penelope says that Serena is totally rushing to get into Dan’s pants.  Jenny can’t believe she said that about her brother and the chickadees ask Jenny how far she’s gone with the Gay Dog Walker.  Then she says something no 14/15-year-old should ever say.  The girls suggest he’s gay and she asks, Is that why we went to third?  They ask, You went to third?  She says, No, he did.  Then they say, way to go—make him work for it.  Ewwww.  That’s a discussion I didn’t have until I was, like 25. 


The less popular chickadees Isabel and the new chick Nelly Yuki are over at Blair’s place, planning to take Gay Dog Walker down.  They forward a mass email to people to destroy his rep. 


Jenny arrives at Dog Walker’s place and he’s surprised to see her.  She immediately starts to make out with him hard core and he stops her saying that that’s not what they do.  He asks if she’s unhappy.  He calls her “Jenny Humphrey from Brooklyn” and that means she’s poor and he’s her boyfriend to give her access to all the things she can’t get.  She asks what she does for him and he doesn’t want to talk about it because he really is gay and she’s the only person in the world who doesn’t think it’s true.  He asks if she really thinks someone like him would date someone like her if he didn’t need to seem straight.  He says that their relationship works because she’s throwing a big party with him on the UES and no one can take that away from them.  Then he wants to put the rumors to rest even though they’re true. 


Serena gets home and finds a video file from Georgina.  She loads it onto her computer and sees Georgina telling some guy named Shepherd that Serena will go down on anyone.  Then Serena on the video says she’s too hot and proceeds to go down on the guy.  At least that’s what the audio says.  She tries to run out but Lily stops her, saying that Serena needs to stay for dinner if Serena invited an old friend.  Up pops Georgina.  Okay, now this is getting so good. I can’t wait for Eric to come out of the closet at dinner.  Then this episode will be perfect.


In the poor part of town, Jenny holds up various stolen dresses in front of her in the mirror when LowlyDan storms in holding up his phone that shows Gossip Girl’s latest—KleptoJenny swiped her V-card at Dog Walker’s register.  Dan wants to know if it’s true—did Jenny use a Visa Card?  Oh, wait, ohhhhhh!  I get it.  Virginity.  Gotcha. She tells Dan it’s private and asks since when Dan started reading Gossip Girl.  Since he’s been gay, obviously.  He asks if she wants her friends thinking she slept with Dog Walker even if it’s not true as she says it’s not.  He asks if he believes everything on Gossip Girl and he says that he didn’t read it; he saw it and tried to tell her.  She says she knew the whole time and let him use her.  She tells Dan not to judge people because the minute he sent tips to GG, he became one of them.  Oh, my God, how much do I love Jenny, kleptomania and all.


Serena tries to get in touch with Blair but Blair’s too busy.  Ha ha.  That’s what happens when you don’t make time for your friends, Serena; they don’t make time for you either.  Why doesn’t she just get Superman ChuckSlime to bail her out once again. 


At the dinner table, Georgina tries to get Eric to out himself but Lily interupts, asking Georgina why she’s back in NYC.  Georgina tells Lily that she has a nice ring and thinks there’s love in the New York air: Lily’s engaged, Serena found a great guy, Eric found himself a new boyfriend.  OMG!  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! She really DOES out  him.  Eric’s all, Excuse me?  Lily thinks she heard it wrong.  Georgina says that she thought everyone knew since Eric was blatantly mackin it with the Dog Walker that morning.  Ohh, that guy who was looking around and walking away all stealthily WAS the Dog Walker.  Proves how much I pay attention to what these people actually look like.  So as I said before, Suicidal Eric and The Dog Walker—both GAY.  Georgina apologizes because she thought Eric was dating a boy.  Lily says it doesn’t make sense because if Eric dates a boy, then Eric is gay, and he’s just not.    Then she asks, Are you?  He throws down his fork and runs away, no doubt plotting his next suicide attempt.  Serena offers a lame, Eric!, and then admonishes Lily for driving him to his second suicide attempt in the past year. 


In Brooklyn, KleptoJenny tries to leave for the big party and tells Rufus she’s going to choir practice.  Rufus, being the keen Mr. Mom  he is, says that unless her choir is entertaining for the Dog Walker’s party, she has lots of explaining to do.  She asks how he knew and he opens his shirt.  What the?  Oh.  He pulls open HER bag with the dress in it and says that he should have asked his permission.  She insists that she’s throwing the party.  He threatens that if she walks out that door….but he can’t do anything really.  She says she’s not a little girl and he can’t make her do anything.  But THEN he says, You’ve already lost my trust; do you want to lose my respect too?  And now I love love LOVE Rufus.  What a way to guilt your child!  First poverty and now ruin her social life.  Nice.


Serena finds Eric in his room. Eric is texting ChuckSlime.  She wants Eric to talk to her instead.  He says that he wanted to tell her but was waiting for the right time.  She apologizes that Serena abandoned him.  He says he’s fine and no longer suicidal.  He explains that he met this guy at Ostroff and now the guy is Jenny’s boyfriend.  How good am I that I totally called that?  Serena hugs him and says she loves him no matter who his boyfriend is or what method he uses to fail at suicide.  Eric wants to go to Dog Walker’s party.


The party is hoppin at Dog Walker’s gay pad.  Everyone who’s anyone is there.  Blair arrives in partial slo-mo and the chickadees can’t believe she’s crashing.  She says the most important parties to attend are the ones you’re not invited to.  Then she wants to give something to the host.  Now would the host be Dog Walker or Jenny because I’m still confused on that point. 


Serena finds Dan and Dan introduces her to SarahG.  SarahG says it’s nice to meet her.  Serena wants to talk to Dan in private.  Long Lost Vanessa comes over to show them a short film and Georgina wants to show them a movie of her own.  Why doesn’t Serena just point out that Sarah is really Georgina and Dan shouldn’t talk to her?  This is really stupid.  Dan leaves for a minute and Serena tells Georgina not to show them the film of Serena Goes Down.  By the time Dan and Vanessa get back, Serena decides to go along with calling Georgina Sarah and Sarah agrees not to show the movie.


Back at the party, KleptoJenny says DogWalker made her feel safe when they slept together and then freaks out when she hears that Blair is there.  Blair goes up to Dog Walker and says that she has all the hard evidence she needs to prove he’s gay but she’s giving him a chance first because his lover is her good friend.  Then Eric shows up, having failed yet again to off  himself.  Then Eric gets his gay drama on.  He tells everyone that Dog Walker was kissing him this morning but Dog Walker says that he was with Jenny all morning.  Jenny says that Eric’s lying and Eric asks why he would tell everyone he’s gay.  Dog Walker wants them to get the faggot out when Eric outs the both of them.  Eric leaves and Blair texts something to someone but won’t say what or who.


JudgyLily calls up Rufus and asks what kind of mother she is to have not known that Eric is gay.  Rufus is waiting for Jenny to come home so he can ground her.  Lily calls the two of them a good team.  He says she’s going to be a beautiful bride.


The chickadees are leaving the party because the gay bomb dropped.  They ask Jenny if she slept with Dog Walker and she says she exaggerated. They say that lying about sleeping with a gay guy is an offense no one can make up for.  They all turn to Blair who is going home now but tells them to meet her the next day for dinner. They all leave Jenny at the gay party.


When Suicidal Eric comes home, Lily tells him that she made tea and her reaction wasn’t okay.  She wasn’t ready to hear it. Eric says he wasn’t ready to tell her.  She thanks him for his honesty and she says she’s scared that life is tough and she wants the best for him but money and gayness don’t go together.  He says he’s happy if he’s honest.  Then he makes fun of her because she can’t hold a marriage together and they hug.


All of Blair’s info shows up on Gossip Girl.  Jenny goes to Blair’s.  Jenny tells Blair that Blair won and Jenny’s done with all the chickadees.  She lied and stole and it wasn’t worth any of it, especially because she lost her daddy’s respect.  Blair says that she tried to warn Jenny there would be a price to pay that Poverty Stricken Jenny could not afford.  She commends Jenny for putting up a good fight but not to expect a hug.  Jenny expects nothing because she can’t even afford hope. 


This is so strange.  Dan really, really wants Serena to like Sarah.  Why is Dan befriending girls anyway when he has a girlfriend?  That may happen when you’re an adult, but if it happens in high school, the girlfriend goes ballistic and gives an ultimatum.  This is so dumb.  Anyway, Serena says she likes Sarah.  Why Serena’s going along with this whole thing, I don’t know.  LowlyDan knew she was a slut when he started going out with her.  What’s the big deal?  Dan doesn’t understand why Serena’s jealous.  Serena says she loves him but he can’t trust Sarah.  He says that she’s been lying and now she’s giving advice about trust.  He suggests that Serena catch a cab but she wants to talk.


Insetad, Dan and Vanessa walk away and Georgina tells Serena that she wants to go back to being good friends with Serena.  Serena asks why she would want to be friends with someone who outs her brother at the dinner table.  Georgina says it was an honest mistake. Serena doesn’t believe her but I kinda do.  I mean, Eric is clearly gay.  Georgina says maybe she did it on purpose because she can, because she knows things about Serena before Serena does.  She tells Serena to get home safe and runs to catch up with Vanessa and Dan who must be really slow walkers. 


In poor Brooklyn, Lowly Dan and Rockin Rufus play Scrabble when KleptoJenny comes home.  Rufus and Jenny can barely look at each other.  She asks if she can play and he says there’s always room for her here.  Oh, man. That’s so cheesy.  No noo noooo.  She’s crying and apologizing and he holds her and now neither of them is interesting anymore.


Serena arrives at Blair’s in tears but won’t tell Blair what’s wrong.  Blair says she’s not anyone, she’s me.  Serena says if she tells her, then Blair will be a part of it and Blair can’t be part of it.  Blair says that they’re family and she loves Serena and she can tell her anything.  Blair says, what is it?    Serena says,


I killed someone.




Seriously, my heart stopped a second.  I was NOT expecting THAT.  Kudos, Gossip Girl!  Slutty Murderous Serena.  That has a nice ring to it. 


Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 15: Desperately Seeking Serena

Even Rich Kids Take The SAT’s (Kinda)


Highlights: Vanessa and Nate vie for the affections of Dan, Dan worries too much, Georgina is the new old slut in town, Serena breaks down, Jenny finds a dog


Who’s G?  Georgina.  She’s coming back to town after sending all that stuff to Slutty Serena.  Yeah, I was confused about that, too.  But Gossip Girl doesn’t care about that right now.  Right now, we’re all studying for the S. A. T.’s.  Serena self-medicates with tea.  The chickadees lick things.  ChuckSlime hires some black dude to become Chuck Bass to take the test for him.  Lowly Dan rips out his hair until Rockin Rufus busts in on him to stop him from exeeding the time limit.  A boring conversation about baseball ensues.  Thankfully, KleptoJenny needs to be escorted to school by Rufus because she’s a major fuckup.  He says it’s not punishment and wants to spend time with her either on a walk or over lasagna. 


Blair and Serena are taking electronic S. A. T.’s and Blair wants to go to Yale by kicking Nelly Yuki’s ass.  ChuckSlime arrives when Blair leaves and Serena says they need to work out their issues.  He’s found out that Georgina Sparks is dating some prince in Switzerland and Serena is relieved.  ChuckSlime wants to sleep with Serena still.  She wants to study instead.


The chickadees tell KleptoJenny that she’s lucky she’s a freshman because she doesn’t have to take the dumb test.  She suggests they go over to her house for her dad’s lasagna.  Blair interupts to invite them to her place for private tutors and massages.  The girls say yes to Blair and Blair tells Jenny it’s for big girls only.  They leave Jenny all alone.


Boring Nate and Dan have an odd conversation until Serena pounces on Dan and kiss rapes him.  They mack it more and giggle and kiss and they are so lovey dovey.  When Dan leaves, Georgina appears.  Apparently, she’s not in Switzerland.  She wants to catch up.  Serena isn’t happy about the packages Georgina sent and Georgina threatens her to either have drinks with her or get her reputation smeared even more.


Later on, KleptoJenny buys a hot dog on the street to meet a girl who might be a chickadee but I have no idea who she is.  Jenny wants to have a boyfriend so she can one-up Blair.  They check out guys on the street and a dog walker runs into Jenny with his dogs.  They dogs eat Jenny’s hot dog and the guy gives her his last dollar.  She doesn’t want his crappy dollar bill so he gives her his number.  The girl says that the boy is gorgeous and Jenny says that he’s a dog walker, not a king.  Because KleptoJenny is a rich girl now that she knows how to get a five finger discount from the pawn shop.


Oooh!  Poverty stricken Vanessa is back!  Boring Nate finds her in the coffee shop where she’s editing her cinematic masterpiece that has a snippet of the boy toy himself.  Dan comes over and asks why Nate is there.  BoringNate gives Dan his books about the S. A. T.s because Nate already took the test and doesn’t need them.  Vanessa is upset because she wants to have sex with Dan just as much as Nate does so now she’s vying for affection by tutoring him.  She gets even more upsets and resorts to making fun of Nate’s blank look on his face when Dan accepts the books because Dan can’t turn down free stuff being that he’s a charity case.  He tells Nate to ignore Vanessa because he likes it when people fight over him.  Boring Nate leaves and Vanessa silently smolders until she finds some loose leaf papers in one of the books.


Later on, Georgina and Serna are at a bar where two guys have bought them drinks.  Georgina insists that the gifts were funny and Serena says she’s changed and isn’t the old Serena.  Georgina promises not to get out of control and they can’t hang out like old times.  Serena says only one drink.  That means she’s getting trashed.


Random Girl (Penelope?), Hazel, and black girl arrive at Blair’s and none of the tutors are there.  Blair shows them Nelly Yuki on her web page, listing all of Nelly’s academic assets.  She wants to find Nelly’s weakness and annihilate her so Nelly can’t impede them from getting into their colleges of choice.  Then she calls Hazel dumb.


Meanwhile, Serena and Georgina are drunkenly reminiscing.  The guys who bought drinks for them come over to buy them more drinks.  Georgina pretends to be Greek and Serena is Southern.  Serena answers Georgina’s phone and hears a dealer at the other end.  Serena is upset about the druglord and calls ChuckSlime for solace and advice.  Let me say that again.  She calls ChuckSlime—the boy who tried to rape her in a kitchen after making her a grilled cheese sandwich with truffle oil—for solace and advice.  She was supposed to meet Dan to study and said she would be late but not this late. She doesn’t want Dan to know Georgina exists because no one, not even Chuck, likes her.  He makes Serena say his name and say that she needs him before he’ll help.  But the bottom line is, he’s going to help her.  Where is this good ChuckSlime coming from? 


Dan’s phone rings and he thinks it’s Serena but it’s ChuckSlime.  He says that Serena has food poisoning.  Dan doesn’t believe him.  ChuckSlime says she’s not coming and not to call because she’s barfing in the bathroom where there’s no reception. 


LowlyDan arrives at school the next day and huffs on up to ChuckSlime.  What’s with ChuckSlime’s coat?  It’s very very VERY bright red-orange.  What?  His signature scarf wasn’t enough?  Dan tells him that he’s ruining his relationship with Serena.  She shows up and says her migraine is gone.  Dan thought it was food poisoning.  She said it came after.  She said that ChuckSlime helped her out.  Dan asks her more questions about her food poisoning and he goes to class when the bell rings because he’s poor and has to.  She laments to Chuck that this is why she didn’t want Georgina coming back .  ChuckSlime suggests she tell Dan about Georgina.  She just can’t.  In all of this, Chuck makes the most sense.  Is it odd that I’m slowly finding myself completely attracted to the Slime?


Penelope and Hazel find Nelly to try to befriend her.  Nelly doesn’t like them at all and doesn’t want them to talk to her.  She’s also upset because her boyfriend broke up with her at a FloRider concert while they were waving their hands in the air.


KleptoJenny and the nameless girl walk along in the rain with big bright umbrellas.  How many people reside in NYC that they just so happen to run into the dog walker again?  Only this time, it’s at a far, and the girl points out that he’s probably the owner of the dogs and not the hired walker.  They wave and Jenny goes up to him because she’s a gold digger yo.


Blair pops on FloRider on her cell and walks by Nelly.  Nelly breaks down and tells Blair that the song reminds her of her ex.  Blair asks what his name was—Brad? Bill?  Nelly says Todd.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  Blair invites Nelly over to cry.  Nelly, for all the book smarts she has, is a dope and trusts Blair.


Boring Nate arrives at a Greek restaurant to meet up with Vanessa.  He knows the waitress and Vanessa is all like, Yeah right you slum it to Brooklyn for food.  He explains, well Vanessa my father is in rehab here.  Really?  Really.  Captain Fantastic is in rehab in Brooklyn?  Not at the Ostroff Center where Eric was when he tried to off himself?  That seems more likely a place for the Captain to go than to Brooklyn.  Okay, though, we have to accept it so that Nate and Vanessa can bond over something other than wanting to bed Dan.


Vanessa apologizes and he says that it’s not a secret.  It was in the newspapers.  Nate goes to the Greek place to think about his parents after visiting his dad in rehab.  Vanessa confesses that she read one of his practice essays he accidentally left in one of the books he gave Dan.  It don’t think it was an accident; he obviously left it there for Dan to find so Dan would console him and sleep with him.  Vanessa called Nate to apologize for being mean to him when she judged the cover (pretty blank stare).  They giggle. 


Serena gets a call from Georgina who does not want to go back to Switzerland before making things up to Serena.  Georgina finds Serena’s changing from slutty to not-so-slutty inspiring.  Serena says it’s possible to change.  Georgina thinks there’s hope for her. Serena wants to study for the S. A. T.’s the next day but Georgina wants to take her out for dinner where all they’ll drink is water.  Serena decides she’ll give her an hour.  Serena is a big idiot.


Over in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Lowly Dan has a hard time studying because he had a fight with Serena.  Rockin Rufus arrives home and KleptoJenny shows him all the progress she’s made in her school work.  He considers that plus the returning of the dress and her volunteer work all steps in the right direction.  So Klepto gets points for returning something she stole.  And when did she volunteer?  I think Jenny has extra time that no one else has.  She does volunteer work and reads library books that she always has to return right before they’re due.  Rufus gives her a sewing machine but does not say she’s no longer grounded.  Dan is happy that Jenny can sew his zippers because they’re all poor and zippers are expensive AND if she sews his zippers, maybe she’ll think about his crotch and what’s in his pants since he enjoys hitting on his sister.


KleptoJenny tells Rufus that she met a boy in the park.  They’re supposed to have lunch.  Rufus says that even if she weren’t grounded, she couldn’t go.  She’s not old enough to date.  The boy goes to Unity.  Rufus thinks Jenny wanted to get away from that crowd.  Jenny storms out.


Blair has all the girls over for drinks and massages.  Nelly is getting a massage but wants to go home to study.  Before that happens, Todd her ex arrives.  He apologizes to Nelly and wants to talk about how things between them ended.  Nelly thanks Blair and they go into the other room.  Blair points out that mental acuity and common sense do not come in the same package.  So true.


Later on, Boring Nate and Vanessa are talking about lesbians.  Vanessa wants to study because college is optional and she wants to have Dan’s baby.  Nate wants her parents to adopt him because they don’t believe in college.  They arrive at some doorway where Vanessa doesn’t live but her laptop does.  She invites him in anyway and he macks it with her.  Oooh, Nate’s slummin it big time!  So really, their attraction for Dan has morphed into an attraction to each other.


Serena and Georgina are drinking diet Coke over dinner.  Georgina wants to know all about the poor boy Serena’s dating because he has an odd zip code.  Serena likes the way Dan makes her feel because she feels better about herself seeing how poor he is.  Georgina thinks it’s incredible and tells Serena it would take a lot for her old self to come back.  Serena goes to call him to wish him luck.  While she does so, Georgina rufees Serena’s drink.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Georgina toasts to the new Serena.  Serena?  Still a big idiot.


The next day, Serena awakes all disoriented when she’s supposed to be at Hunter College where they’re not going to let her in if she’s late. Georgina wants to make her eggs and tells her she was drinking Patron.  She pretends that she saved Serena last night and that Serena was going to go home with a guy who has an ironic mustache.  Serena calls ChuckSlime SuperMan, directing him to keep the doors open at Hunter for her to take the test.


Again, how many people reside in all five boroughs of NYC?  Boring Nate and Vanessa bump into each other.  He wants her to jump into his car and it’s a one time offer.  She hesitates but who can resist that boring look?


Rufus and Jenny eat breakfast in silence in the poor Brooklyn loft.  She wants to be excused and Rufus demands that she speak to him.  Klepto tells him that she learned her lesson and the boy she met likes animals so she should be able to go to lunch.  Rufus can’t believe she didn’t cancel the date so he makes her stay home to prove that he will not be swayed.


BoringNate has taken Vanessa to the S. A. T.’s!  What a great date!  He thinks that she’s studied enough to tutor Dan so she knows enough to do really well,  He doesn’t want her to be poor the rest of her life.


Nelly arrives all distraught and the Chickadees feign distress and sympathy.  She’s all crying and Blair wishes her good luck on the test.  For insurance, Blair took the batteries out of Nelly’s calculator.  Also, Blair tells Isabel (the black girl) that she now has to sleep with Nelly’s ex.  Isabel declines.


Blair finds Dan and asks where Serena is.  They plan to save a seat for her.  Dan keeps calling Serena.  While that happens, some red head shows up and says she’s Serena Van Der Woodsen.  Dan is floored.  He thought Serena had blonde hair.


After the test, Dan tells Blair that he finished but was distracted.  Blair calls Serena and leaves a message that she’s worried.  Dan sees Boring Nate congratualting Vanessa and Blair is distraught because he used to be boring for her and only her.


Lowly Dan arrives at Serena’s and she won’t tell him what’s going on.  ChuckSlime says that Serena was with him and Serena says was sick.  Dan can’t believe that she paid someone to take the test and Serena asks Chuck what he did.  Chuck says he was trying to help by thinking on his feet.  Dan says he’s not mad but he’s worried and he wants to understand what’s going on.  Serena wants to talk tomorrow because she needs to think of how to explain things in poor-man’s terms.  She says she’s sorry and he says he’s sorry and then Chuck closes the door.

Serena tells ChuckSlime he went too far.  He says she did too and he can’t even fathom what Georgina has on her because it must be pretty bad that she can’t tell anyone.


Georgina is packing up for Switzerland.  Serena arrives and tells her never to contact her again.  Serena says it wasn’t fun missing her test or lying to LowlyDan.  Serena claims to make bad decisions when she’s near Georgina.  Georgina tells Serena that last year, Serena was not an innocent bystander.  Serena is talking about last night, not last year.  Serena forbids her from ever talking about what happened last year.  Georgina says she doesn’t want anyone in her life who doesn’t want to be there so Serena plans to never talk to her again.


Over in the poor boroughs, Asher, the guy with the dogs, shows up.  He introduces himself to Rufus and has brought hot dogs to KleptoJenny since she couldn’t meet him in the park and steal some from the vendor.  Asher wishes that more of his friends’ parents grounded them when they messed up because kids these days grow up without consequences dammit.  Rufus allows Asher to stay because he cannot turn down free food.


Meanwhile, Dan is at the park and Georgie the dog disturbs Dan.  The dog belongs to Georgina.  He rambles on about a cat and his grandmother.  She introduces herself as Sarah.  He’s Dan and it’s nice to meet her. 


And so the fairy tale love affair of the star crossed lovers is quickly coming to a close.  Next week?  Eric goes gay.  At least I think it’s Eric.  I mean, he’s the only one still in the closet.  Nate and Chuck have already had their openly gay relationship go sour and then there’s Dan who’ll be anyone’s boy toy for a dollar.  So it’s gotta be Eric.  Unless it’s one of the girls?  Nah, too not-UES.