Sorry Serena and Food Fight Fun
Highlights: Lily judges everyone; Nate is boring; Rufus gets more pathetic; Jenny gets a dress; Dan gets the shaft
The sun rises over the Upper East Side as Gossip Girl explains she never went to bed because waking life is so much better. Nothing is better than chefs on speed, chopping, mixing, and frying up brunch. ChuckSlime’s dad, Bart Bass, is hosting a brunch for rich people. Which means the Poor Humphrey clan isn’t invited.
LowlyBoyDan checks up on Jen, who wasn’t raped but lifting the garage door that separates their rooms in the loft. Jen turns the conversation to him and his awkward Serena moment. Flashback to the cab ride the night before and Serena saying goodnight and waiting for maybe a response and Dan saying, mehmehbleh and Serena slamming the door on his head. Let me repeat that: Serena slams the door into Dan Humphrey’s head. Awesome.
Jen wonders aloud if he has brain damage. Serena peeks into the cab. Dan dies a thousand deaths of shame. Sounds about right.
Eric reappears after disappearing after shopping. He’s giving Serena sound guy advice in his prepubescent voice. He says that no guy could ever hate her. Meanwhile, Poor Dan is telling Poor Jen that he thinks Serena thinks he hates her now. Bingo. He complains that he’s waited for her for his entire teen life and he blew it by waving. Jen says he has no dignity left. Since he has no dignity, LowlyDan decides to talk to Serena. Jen suggests he showers first. Dan actually looks pretty good dirty.
Serena tells Eric that it’s probably for the best that Dan hates her. Eric thinks she likes Dan. Serena says that Blaire was so mean to her the night before and can’t imagine why so she decides to go to Blaire’s house. She’s apparently forgotten that she screwed her best friend’s boyfriend and quite a number of people know about it, including said boyfriend, so maybe Blaire found out about it. But since Serena is Serena, she doesn’t think about that.
Blaire is with her Chickadees, talking crap about Serena. She calls her boyfriend, Boring Nate, who is passed out on his couch. He lies that Blaire didn’t wake him up. She tells him to take a shower. Wow, do boys really need to be reminded of this? ChuckSlime is across the room, telling “Nathaniel” to hush up. He’s got a girl on each side of him as well as a black eye. Nate reminds him of his dad’s brunch and no one wants to get up because they’re hung over. ChuckSlime offers Nate a roll in the hay with one of the girls. He declines because if he’s not sleeping with Serena or a guy, he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone. He asks the girls to bring them coffee instead. Oh, because the girls work at the hotel. That’s convenient. Maybe I should invest in a houseboy.
ChuckSlime makes a power shake in the blender and I’m pretty sure he’s adding beer. Nate throws around ChuckSlime’s scarf and Chuck calls it his signature and should not be mocked. Also, it’s a good way to tell where he is when he’s raping someone. They talk about Poor Dan’s sucker punch and then Chuck blends his drink all smugly.
Over on the poor side of town, Dan has showered and changed and tells Jen that if she wants to talk to someone other than her brother about being almost raped, he can help her. She doesn’t need that but she does want to talk to someone about something. They head out as Rockin Rufus comes in bearing groceries (in a reusable mesh bag because CW is going green so points for them and I’m not being sarcastic). Rufus wants to make waffles and hear about their day and their party and he calls after them that they missed a good show and he makes good waffles. They leave because Rufus is uncomfortably pathetic.
Boring Nate makes a boring phone call to find out what room Serena is staying in because he wants to stalk her too. Serena calls Blaire and leaves a message that they need to talk. Blaire sees the missed call and rolls her eyes. Then we get a flash forward of about forty images of pretty rich kids and the poor Humphreys.
Serena tears through a bunch of boxes in the hotel suite to find shoes and JudgyLily asks her about her date. She tells Serena she must go to brunch and must not hide because people will think she’s hiding if she hides. Serena calls her out on keeping Eric in an institution and JudgyLily says that that’s different because Eric isn’t as pretty as Serena is and his voice has yet to change.
PoorLowlyDan arrives at the hotel as Serena catches a cab. He reintroduces himself to the security guard to judged him yesterday and the guard tells him he can wait in the dark corner behind the flowers. Nate arrives as Mrs. Lily Judgment Day is leaving. She says that Serena loves him and he and Blaire are the perfect couple. Nate is going to wait so the security guard tells him to get in line behind the poor guy. JudgyLily says hello to Dan and she leaves them both. Nate says hey. Dan says hey. They sit uncomfortably and say nothing. Nate has now made Dan boring.
Serena arrives at Blaire’s and Blaire is all snotty to her even though she brought over coffee and crescents as a tradition. Blaire says she has new traditions and Serena says they can’t have new traditions because that’s not what tradition means. Blaire reads a newspaper. Serena thought everything was good between them. Blaire says, It was until I found out you slept with my boyfriend. Oh, no she didn’t! Oh YES she DID! Friggin great. They sit in awkward silence. Serena asks how she found out and Blaire praises Nate for telling the truth. Serena blurts out words and Blaire stops her with: I always knew you were a whore, but I never took you for a liar too. AWESOME. Serena wants to fix it but Blaire tells her to stay away from everyone.
Dressed in a too short dress, Jenny arrives at Blaire’s house to give her back her calligraphy pen. Blaire thinks Jen wants to know what ChuckSlime is saying about her. Jen smiles because she liked being almost raped by Chuck. Blaire invites her upstairs and Jen likes her flowers.
Lily van der Woodsen gets all judgy as she arrives in Brooklyn to meet up with Rockin Rufus. She informs him that Dan is at her hotel waiting for Serena and Rufus says he won’t tell his kid who he can and can’t date. That would be inappropriate. Instead he talks to his kids about his marital problems. He asks if she’s seeing anyone and she says not really so he guesses that she’s dating someone married. She’s worried about Serena and Rufus says that Dan is what Serena needs which sounds creepy.
Now Nate and Dan are waiting outside the hotel and they want to know why the other one is there to see Serena. Nate asks if they’re like, and he wobbles his head back and forth. Dan apparently knows what that means and answers with uh ah uh. This is officially the stupidest conversation ever in the world ever. ChuckSlime emerges from the hotel and sees Poverty Stricken Dan standing there and tells him to leave. Poor Dan is all like, What is this your hotel or something? Chuck and Nate are all like, actually yes it is because we’re rich and you don’t own diddly. Nate continues to stand between then Maybe he’ll get punched and get some character. ChuckSlime walks away and says its not over as Dan continues to taunt him about the black eye.
Jenny is praising Blaire’s beauty and her dress. Blaire hates the dress and Jen isn’t just poor but is stupid. She finds Blaire’s Cabbage Patch Kid and says that her brother used to have one named Cedric. Blaire discovers that the guy who went out with Serena is Jen’s brother and asks if Jen is Serena’s friend. Jen doesn’t have any kind of answer so Blaire gives Jen the dress to buy her friendship. Jen thanks her and Blaire says she should be thankful that Chuck tried to rape her.
Dan is now walking in circles outside of Serena’s hotel when Serena finally arrives back home. He tells her that his wave in the taxi was not his finest hour and he’s been wondering if she’s hungry. She says she is and has had the worst morning. They plan to get food but Lily Judgment Day Woodsen arrives to stop all of it from happening. Serena wants to bring Dan to brunch but he’s not invited to the rich people brunch so they’re going to go to their own brunch. Instead, Mrs. van der Woodsen makes them both go to the rich people’s brunch, which is incredibly awkward.
Blaire and ChuckSlime can’t believe that the dynamic duo has arrived. And then they have the gall to walk in like they are entitled to brunch or something.
Over in Brooklyn, Rufus is working on a song as Jenny arrives home with the dress. Rufus says it looks expensive and that Jen’s dress that she made for herself is prettier. Jen says that he used to be cool.
Dan and Serena pile the food onto their plates and Nate leers at Serena and silently signals for her to come hither. She leaves Poor Dan by himself to stockpile food, kinda like he’s at a soup kitchen.
ChuckSlime’s father asks him if he’s okay because he has a black eye. Father Slime says that the party is for Chuck to become a part of something and make a change. Chuck says it’s an excuse to hire human statues and have an open bar. Father Slime tells him to lose the scotch. So far, I like Chuck’s father the most out of all the parents.
Nate and Serena bicker and he tries to touch her and she doesn’t want him to touch her.
Meanwhile, CaptainAndTenille is asking Blaire awkward questions about her mother. NastyMom is in France. Then he finds Nate and tells him to make sure he keeps things good with Blaire.
Blaire and Chuck can’t believe Serena is there and Chuck gives Blaire the key to his suite so that she can set up another Room o’ Seduction to sleep with Nate. This is bad news for Serena since Nate just gave her the key to his room so they could talk. Blaire accosts Nate again and pulls him into the elevator. They kiss and tumble right into the room where Serena is waiting. Because that’s what always happens.
Blaire wants to know why Serena is there and Blaire yells that Nate said he would never speak to Serena again and Serena can’t believe that he said that. Nate wanted to explain why he wasn’t talking to Serena and Serena decides to leave so that they can have a quickie. Blaire says that sex means something and Serena says that Chuck’s bed is really romantic. Blaire runs out to tell Dan that Serena’s a slut. Serena and Nate run after Blaire, bickering about why he told the truth.
Dan goes outside and spies Judgy Lily and Father Slime flirting together. She accuses Dan of eavesdropping. He says he was looking for Serena. She says Serena doesn’t know about her and Father Slime. Dan goes back inside to mind his own business.
Blaire finds Dan and introduces herself as Serena’s friend. Blaire and Nate run up as Blaire tells him that Serena was waiting for Nate in the hotel room. He asks if it was the same reason Nate was waiting for Serena at the hotel. Blaire is pissed that Nate was there that morning.
Chuck comes over and Dan is like, Great that’s all we need. Blaire is like, who wants to tell Dan, and Serena starts out that it was all long ago (because a year is a really long time). Chuck finally says to Serena, You slept with your best friend’s boyfriend. Dan asks if it’s true. Blaire says that then she ran away and lied about it and Blaire thought that he should know about it before getting into anything with Serena and his Cabbage Patch kid.
He finds out that Blaire talked to Jenny about his doll fetish and Chuck says he has some unfinished business with Jen, aka finishing raping her. Dan gets right in Chuck’s face and tells him to stay away. He calls Jen a slut and Dan pushes him because Dan is poor and can’t control emotions. He says that everything is fine and tells everyone to stop looking. He runs away and Serena wants to go with him but he says not to. Blaire storms away angry for no reason. Nate wanders away in confusion.
Serena runs after Dan to apologize about Blaire and Chuck and Dan says it’s not them. She says this world is crazy. He says yeah and she’s a part of it. He thought she was different. She apologizes for not being who he thought she was and all she can do is change. She says he’s not who she thought he was. That’s original, Serena. Dan leaves.
Over the bridge, Rockin Rufus and Not-Raped-Jen arrive home with Blaire’s favorite flowers and Dan bemoans the fact that he’s poor. He gets mad at Jen for telling Blaire about his dolls and tells her not to tell them anything.
Nate tells Blaire that they should move on and grabs her shoulder. That’s the best sex they’ll have this episode.
LowlyBoyDan goes out on his fire escape and broods. Jen dances around her room in Blaire’s leftover dress. Chuck reads on Gossip Girl’s blog that Serena left the brunch all alone. Or did he send in that info? Or he’s black eyed Gossip Girl. Serena walks down the street all alone, staring at the pictures of her and all the people who now hate her on her phone.
And because she’s rich, instead of deleting the pictures, she tosses the phone into the garbage and walks on.