Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 24: Valley Girl

May 14, 2009Leave a comment

Non-Sequitur

Highlights: Flashback galore!

The screen says it’s 1983 in Malibu, CA. For some reason, the scene looks like a mixture of the 50s, 60s, and 70s. YoungJudgyLily has been expelled from school.

Well, this is a terrific way to completely kill the momentum and suspense that occured last week, culminating in a message to the Lord about how convert Georgina has reverted back to bitchdom.

Present day, JL arrives at the jail to the piercing eyes of BoringNate, Blair, and Chuck.

At the Poor House, LongLostVanessa, DownerDan, and KleptoJenny eat cheap take-out and decide what’s a cooler thing to do than Prom. RockinRufus thinks they really are interested in all the gossip going on because they are in the Gossip Girl generation. DD pronounces the name of whatever he’s eating with a perfect Chinese accent. I so want to punch the pretentiousness right out of him. RR then tells them about JL locking up SluttySerena.

Flashback—JL was once arrested with a leather-clad boy.

Present day, JL tries to make SS understand why she did what she did. SS would rather give her kids up than raise them the way JL parents—but oh wait, JL did do that, too. SS has called Judgy Granny to bail her out.

Flashback—Andrew McCarthy is playing YJL’s dad! YJL’s mom, CC, told her tad that she got expelled from school. Neither of them wants YJL to live with them and they pull strings to get her back in school. Basically, she’s tragically in love with her father, and it’s kind of uncomfortable. YJL points out that her sister, Carol, ran away to be an actress. Older Andrew McCarthy? Hot!

Present day—Granny returns to JL’s house even though JL does not welcome her there.

SS decides to stay in jail. She talks to B on a pay phone as B gets ready for prom.

ServantLady tells B that her dress was ruined at the dry cleaner. However, a new dress arrived for her—it’s the dress from her Dream Prom Scrapbook. B thinks the dress is from GayDaddy.

BN strolls through the streets with C, listing all the things that have gone wrong in getting ready for the prom from the limo being messed up to the flowers being messed up. BN asks if C is sabotaging his prom. C says, No Nathaniel.

Back at the House of Judgment, JL calls Granny toxic. She thinks Sister Carol was right to cut her out.

Flashback—YJL tries to find SC in a diner and might have to become a prostitute who won’t give blow jobs. The busboy invites her to a gig later where her sister might be and then gives her an outfit to wear. She looks like Madonna from the Borderline video.

Present day, DD calls JL to find out why SS won’t return his calls. JL tells him that SS went back to jail on her own accord.

Flashback—JL finds SC in the club. The two of them go with the busboy and a guy from the band into her Impala out back.

Present day, B and BN get to prom where the Chickadees want them to vote for Prom King and Queen. B reminds them that their school doesn’t do such things but they insist that they have a vote this year. They plan to stuff the ballot box to make NellyYuki win out over B.

DD has gotten SS out of jail. He brings her a prom dress. She changes in the back of a taxi. Talk about slumming it.

Flashback—YJL judges SC’s less-than-glamorous lifestyle. SC doesn’t want anyone to know that they come from money.

Present day, JL goes to the Poor House to talk to RR about her mother. She knows RR was going to propose to her and her unpredictability made him stop. He wants JL to forgive Granny and says JL can still change. He’s not sure, however, where they stand right now, even though it’s been 20 years.

Flashback—House party! Cocaine! Music videos! SC and the guys want to take back their music video from the video maker’s house.

Present day, DD and SS go to prom. OH MY GOD!!!!! Tell me they’re joking. SS is swinging around her dress as if she’s in a Cindy Lauper video. DD is running in place. They call this dancing?

Flashback—YJL gets drunk with leather guy. SC yells at the video maker named Van Der Woodsen (hmm, sounds familiar!) about stealing her video. A brawl breaks out with YJL jumping on top of Van Der Woodsen to save leather guy from a pummeling.

Present day, B flips out at C because she caught him holding a bunch of ballots that are for NelliYuki. She thinks he sabotaged the entire prom for her and BN. However, the Chickadees announce the Queen and it’s Blair. She affirms, “I own Prom.” I. Love. Her. BN wins King. Turns out, C voted for B 150 times and took out the stuffed ballots for NelliYuki. He did destroy B’s original dress and corsage because he too had seen her Dream Prom Scrapbook and wanted her to be happy. He gives SS a key to the penthouse to give to B and BN afterwards.

Flashback—YJL calls home from jail. CC wants her to stop rebelling. SC says YJL will stay with her and not go home.

Present day, JL catches Granny on her way out and makes her hug. They love each other. They hug awkwardly.

OMG, BN needs to stop beginning his dialogue with “hey.” He feels that B is sad. She is! She feels like everything is ending and that the present moment is already the past. They dance and hug tightly. BN stares at the air weirdly, perhaps realizing that the end is near for them.

SS finds B on the stairs outside. BN and she broke up. That was quick. SS had fun making up with DD. They two of them think that they raised each other. They’ve gone through everything together. Like best friends. Like sisters.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 23: The Wrath Of Con

May 6, 2009Leave a comment

Hey Jesus? The Bitch Is Back

Highlights: JudgyLily judges; RockinRufus reverts; Georgina converts; SluttySerena tries to make things better, but only Chuck and Blair are capable of such things

Chuck takes Georgina back to the city via taxi. She refuses his offer of alcohol because it’s not Jesus-like. SluttySerena calls to apologize to C for not believing him about Gabe. She never believes anyone!

SS tries to tell JudgyLily about the scam but JL instead gives her the family’s antique bracelet to represent SS’s becoming a woman.

Blair tries to leave BoringNate’s new place to help SS. BN wants an answer about whether or not she’ll live there with him. She won’t answer and BN tags along to help SS.

RR has turned into a complete moron, albeit a happy moron. He gleefully strolls down the street with the Humphrey offspring and says he’s going to ask SuicidalGayEric for permission to marry JL. DownerDan goes off to bribe SS with a latte so she’ll come to brunch and witness the proposal.

B arrives at SS’s and neither of them want BN there, but he doesn’t catch on. He’s so pretty. B and SS say that feelings for boys make them do silly things.

C brings home G. She wants to apologize to B. C makes her wait in the foyer as he heads up to help SS who is calling Gabe to say she’s pregnant. She tells C she didn’t call the cops because she doesn’t want JL to know about the scam. She thinks her and Gabe’s feelings were real so she can get the money back. C and B want C to handle it instead. DD and his stupid latte overhears about the money and tells SS that RR invested his college fund with Gabe and he wants to tattle. SS begs him not to tell anyone. B says it will take an act of God to get the money back this way.

Enter. Georgina.

Reactions: DD—Someone needs to get this crazy girl out of here.

B—Are you trying to have me killed?

BN: Shhhhhhh (translation: my manbangs are so pretty)

SS—You bring Georgina here?

Gab comes to meet SS at the restaurant. She reveals she’s not pregnant and knows about the money. He says Poppycock took it and he doesn’t have it. C enters to let him know that he can’t leave until he gives back the money or they’re going to the feds.

DD bumps into JL after brunch. He does his usual nervous babbling and spills the beans about the money. JL tells him not to tell RR and that she’ll take care of it.

Gabe explains to C and SS how Poppycock used him to get investors and then how he had to develop a Ponzi scheme to keep the money coming. Poppycock is the one they want.

C goes outside to tell B, BN, and G about Poppycock. SS and Gabe emerge, him all apologies and how his feelings were real. They let Gabe go without confirming his story but with SS’s reassurance that if they need to find him, it won’t be difficult. Umm, why are they trusting SS? She can’t use the pregnancy bit again. They realize Poppycock wants more money so they will trap her using Georgina.

At home, JL develops a financial plan to pay back the investors and save face. She calls SS naive and tells her that Poppycock must get away with it so they don’t ruin SS’s reputation. Then she creates a different payout for RR.

On the street, SE tries to convince RR not to marry JL because JL has a touch of the nutloaf. RR loves the taste of nutloaf so SE grants him his blessing.

At B’s, she convinces G to restyle herself, pointing out that helping in the revenge plot is God’s way of letting G gain forgiveness from B.

Poppycock shows up at SS’s to have tea with JL. Where did the tea come from? They have a tea party in waiting just in case? SS wants to call the police but JL insists on letting P go to Miami.

C, SS, BN, and B sit around and plot to get Poppycock with the newly styled, fake-daughter-of-an-oil-tycoon Georgina. DD calls SS and she yells at him for telling JL. He overhears that they’re going to The Russian Tea Room.

RR sets up a flower adorned meal to prepare to propose. KleptoJenny distracts JL by talking about Twilight as RR sets up.

Our Fave Five arrive at The Russian Tea Room. Before they go in, BN asks C to stop lying to himself about B. He tells him to man up or cut B loose because BN wants her. Then they make out because of all the sexual tension. Okay, fine, they don’t make out but you know that they so want to.

RR finds the ledger about JL’s special payout to him in a drawer at JL’s while she’s on the phone with SS, trying to get SS to stop the sting operation. SS refuses to listen to her mother, as usual.

Georgina convinces Poppycock that she wants to invest. P wants cash so G hands over an envelop-full. It’s the money from Christ Camp to buy Bibles. P leaves.

Meanwhile, C and B, yet again, have a heart-wrenching tragic conversation about how C is always there when she tries to move on and how he wants her to be happy and doesn’t want anyone to ever be as unhappy as he is. She wasnt to know if it’s a game or if it’s real. He whispers, It’s just a game; I hate to lose; You’re free to go. B lets her signature single tear fall. She snaps, Thank you, and rushes off. SS, having overheard, asks C why he did it. He says, I love her but can’t make her happy. THIS IS TORTURE! YES! STILL!

Outside, SS gets arrested. HAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAA. She keeps repeating, Call Chuck! as B claps at the officers once as a signal to stop what they’re doing to her friend and BN looks on helpless (but still pretty). B goes back inside and accuses G of double crossing them, but G declares she lost her money and didn’t do anything wrong.

Turns out JL called in the bracelet as stolen to get SS to be in jail and avoid ruining the Van der Woodsen name. She decides to let SS stay in jail but not press charges, obviously, to let the situation blow over.

C arrives at the station and barges in to see what he can do to get SS out. B tells BN she got an answer from C and she can now answer him. She will not move in with BN. BN replies that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to live together anyway. She still wants him to take her to prom.

G calls B. She’s back to being the old Georgina, and she wants B to let Jesus know. I wonder if she’ll go by the name Sarah again. She plans to fix the Poppycock mess.

RR fights with JL about leaving SS in jail. He says that JL is acting like her mother. He returns to the Poor House and tells his kids to return the ring for him.

C, BN, and B remain at the police station, working all angles to get SS out. Awww! This is so reminiscent of how they pulled together to make SS not be drunk and how they pulled together to make her not a murderer and how they pulled together to make DownerDan go away. Good times. Great memories.

Inside, SS poses for some eerily-lit mugshots. Her hair still looks fabulous. Those will surely show up on Smoking Gun. Or, in this case, Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 22: Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

May 3, 2009Leave a comment

Time To Eat Cake

Highlights: BoringNate makes a desperate attempt to secure his and Blair’s love; Chuck teams up with Blair for one more round of espionage; SluttySerena won’t listen to reason and would rather listen to her libido

BoringNate drags Blair to NYU territory to teach her how to take the subway. She’s mortified. He calls himself fantastic. Aw, he’s so pretty.

RockinRufus takes DownerDan and KleptoJenny trunk shopping. He’s banking on getting a lot of money from selling the gallery. They see him eying a ring, perhaps for JudgyLily.

SluttySerena has B over to tell her how casual her relationship with Gabe is, even though they got fake married. B wants to stalk him.

Chuck and BN shoot hoops. Instead, of wearing the preppy hip hop b-ball outfit he wore in Season 1, C is now wearing a zip-up and a collared shirt and it’s just as ridiculous. BN feels weird talking to him about B but C doesn’t care although he offers his bed to B so she can be closer to BN.

RR and JL have Gabe and SS over to eat snacks. I have no idea what the hell is going on here. Gabe leaves to do work. B texts SS, “Has the bf bailed yet?” Good timing.

B waits on the street in all black and a beret when C pulls up and asks who she’s spying on. She snaps a pic of Gabe and Poppycock hugging when Poppy arrives to pick him up. I love BlairandChuck.

SS tells B over the phone that B should care about BN and not Gabe. Gabe appears in SS’s room to talk.

B tells BN about spying on Gabe. He gets jealous of C because B and C are up to their spying ways again.

Gabe tells SS he’s not sleeping with Poppycock. He doesn’t want to see Poppy again but Poppy has business connections for him. SS calls Poppycock her friend and doesn’t want to be one of two girlfriends.

At the Poor Cafe Gallery, KJ and DD tell LongLostVanessa, about RR looking at the ring. They say it would be weird for him to marry JL but it’s okay since he’s happy.

SS tires on dresses while B scolds her about Gabe who fell in love with SS the first time he saw her. At Butter. B knows BN will always be true to her and is afraid Gabe will not be the same to SS. SS chooses now to remind B that BN slept with SS a year ago. B warns that Gabe is having Poppycock’s cake and eating SS’s too. I. Love. Blair.

LLV wants to savor her time at the gallery since it’s being sold. RR tells her that she’s got time to savor because they have no offers. He’s decided to sell his catalog which is declining in value since he stopped touring.

BN takes C apartment hunting to show that he loves B and wants C to stay away from her. C suggests BN pee on B to mark his territory. B calls C to complain that SS isn’t listening to her and he says he’ll help prove Gabe is false.

B arrives at JL’s party to take Gabe on a tour of SS’s home. C brings Poppycock. Poppycock yells at Gabe and wants to investors to not invest in him. He’s done with Poppycock and chooses SS over money. Then he leaves to clear his head.

LLV is throwing back beers at the Poor House, playing I Never alone until DD arrives. She tells him she slept with C. He says he won’t judge and then says her sleeping with C was a mistake. So much for not judging.

RR invites KJ to JL’s party. She says she knows something’s wrong with him and says it’s okay if he wants to marry JL. She then advises him to take his own advice and take risks.

At the party, Gabe laments to SS about the lost investors. She goes to find JL to invest instead. C asks Gabe how he met SS and Gabe says it was at Butter.

BN surprises B at the party to tell her about the apartment. He asks her to move in. C tells them how Gabe said he met SS at Butter. They all know that’s not possible because Butter wasn’t open that night. C wants them all to confront SS but BN wants C to do it alone so he can take B to see their new place.

Gabe pitches to JL and she’s in. SS is gleeful. B pulls SS away. She and C tell SS that Gabe is lying. SS doesn’t believe them.

Gabe is still working the party for investors. RR wants to invest. Gabe doesn’t want poor money. RR won’t take no for an answer.

BN refuses to help B and C. He thinks it’s one of C’s games. He decides to trust B to go with C.

C and B awake the next morning in the limo, having driven to find Georgina. C decides to go in alone. B realizes that C doesn’t need her there at all, and he simply wanted her to come along so that she wouldn’t check out her new digs with BN.

C finds Georgina who has been saved by Jesus.

SS lies in bed with Gabe and tells him about B and C’s worries. He claims not to remember much of the night he met SS except for Georgina’s red hair, as SS describes it. Except Georgina doesn’t have red hair. Dun dun DUN!!!!

C talks to Georgina about the Jesus freaks. She has reformed her evil ways, Jesus has forgiven her, and she and SS never went to Butter.

With SS gone, Poppycock pops up and jumps all over Gabe. SS calls C to say she was wrong about Gabe. C plans to pick her up but B has taken the limo home.

Gabe and Poppycock add up their investments. He gets a message from SS that says she wants to talk. Poppycock wants to avoid SS. RR arrives to give Gabe a check.

B goes to her new apartment. Going with C was a mistake. She loves Murray Hill. BN was jealous of her hanging out with C and apologizes. He gives her a single Hey instead of his hey hey hey catchphrase and tells her he loves her.

SS calls C but she’s too late. Gabe is gone. Poppycock pops up and says Gabe left without her and with half a million dollars.

At the Poor House, DD tells RR he already knows he won’t be going to Yale because they can’t afford it. KJ and DD give RR the ring they bought for him to give to JL. He calls them an inspiration and offers to pay them back. He then brags about his investment with Gabe.

In Jesus land, C tells Georgina that B took the limo. At the mention of B, Georgina suddenly remembers she has the day free and would love to get back into the city.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 21: Seder Anything

April 21, 20092 Comments

Reminiscing About Attempted Date Rape

Highlights: Everyone apologizes to everyone else except for DownerDan because he’s one big tool

We being this week by revisiting RapeyChuckSlime and his attempt at date raping KleptoJenny at the Kiss On The Lips party as part of the previouslies. Really? Really.

Blair gushes to PapCy about BoringNate as PC makes a seder dinner for her and NastyMom. B has to go to BN’s cousin’s rehearsal dinner instead and plans to schmooze to become a socialite. Plus, she’s not going to be a lesbian at NYU.

SluttySerena is back from Spain, having read and eating a lot. Chuck’s synchronized swimmer leaves and tonight he plans to take home a ballerina. He saw Poppy last week and wonders how that’s possible if SS claims Poppy was in Spain.

B and BN make out in front of a church. He got into Columbia without any family help. (Yeay! That means another season of Gossip Girl in NYC). B does not get chosen as a bridesmaid for the wedding. B does not get chosen to be in the socialite group.

At the poor house, KJ does research with a hipster who I guess is her classmate. RockinRufus bemoans how no one wants to buy art but won’t let DownerDan help pay for tuition despite the lack of funds. When RR leaves, KJ tells DD to get a job with the hipster’s mom who does catering.

BoringGrandpa tries to get info from B about BN’s getting into Columbia. He wants B to make BN go to Yale; in return, he’ll get her into the socialite group. B also wants to be a bridesmaid. Ah, how easily she falls back into the realm of seedy business.

SS calls PC because she needs a lawyer. Oh, man, did she go out and not murder someone again? Here comes the clown make up.

Afer show shopping with RR, Jl socolds SS for trashing the apartment, going to Spain, and basically becoming the “Old Serena” that SS really has never changed so much from being. She grounds SS for being herself.

DD gets the job and his fellow server is immediately annoyed by his incessant talking. The event they arrive at is none other than the seder at NastyMom’s house. She insists DD stay when he objects to wanting to serve B, thinking it would be uncomfortable. She throws extra money his way, and because he’s poor as well as pretentious, he stays.

As B and BN get ready for rehearsal dinner, she tries to talk him into going to Yale. He’s having none of this conversation because after tonight, he plans to never speak to his family again and doesn’t want to owe them anything.

SS sort of got married in Spain. Of course, DD overhears SS telling this to PC. When Gabe and Poppycock had a fight in Spain, Poppycock left and SS kept Gabe company. She’s not sure if they got married, but there was definitely eating, dancing, and skinny dipping at a church. Then she said, “si.” DD accuses her of being a wife. He’s insulted because it’s all about him of course.

JL and RR arrive at NM’s after JL invited herself. So DD will be serving them while RR isn’t supposed to know he got a job? Heheheheheeeee. Oh, crap. SS ruins everything. She says that B invited her and she invited DD even though B isn’t even coming. NM tells DD to go get wine and RR thinks she’s being rude but DD says he’ll roll with it. He has to because he’s getting paid.

C comes home with his ballerina. KJ plays Monopoly in the living room with Hipster and is disgusted by C.

At the dinner, BN announces that his grandfather was the one who had Captain Jack investigated and tore apart BN’s family. He tells Trip to watch his back. No one in the background at the party seems even mildly surprised by this revelation.

SS’s husband Gabe shows up at the seder.

[WFT? The Royal Treatment Sweepstakes reveals that ServantLady is a countess.]

Gabe wants to talk to SS. After DD snags her from the table, she lies and says that DD is her boyfriend. Because that’s what DD wants more than anything in the world, he goes along with it. Gabe has never heard SS mention DD, not even once. HAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA. NM comes into the foyer to ask DD where the lamb bone is and invites Gabe to stay even though she has no idea who he is.

No one pays any attention to PC at seder because they are focused on DD, who has taken Elijah’s seat, and how he and SS are back together. Then some guy asks RR about art.

Meanwhile, C realizes that he’s already done this ballerina and is no longer interested. He goes to the living room to get a drink. KJ tells the Hipster to get in the elevator and she’ll meet him to go for a walk. Then she tells C that he’s lucky she never told RR about the attempted date rape because then RR would make JL choose between C and the Humphrey clan and then C would be left with no human contact since the only other people he had were B and BN who now have each other.

B calls BN wonderful and decides not to try to sway him to go to Yale. Boring Gramps says he turned the Captain in to protect BN and his mom. BN is tired of people lying to him. BGramps plans to tell BN about his plan with B to stop all the lying.

Everyone is still ignoring PC at seder. DD reveals that he’s a waiter. He cares about SS but he’s not her boyfriend.

BN confronts B about the stupid bridesmaid/Yale deal. She says she made the deal but decided not to do it because she’s scared about next year. BN can’t trust her and sends her home.

JL scolds SS about being the “old Serena” again after being so good these past two years (aside from macking it with tools, drinking, murdering). SS got into Brown—JL opened SS’s mail while SS was in Spain. Which is a federal offense.

Gabe has left seder and SS runs to tell him she’s not ready to be married. He says they aren’t married. They almost mack it but then B arrives home in shambles.

BN arrives at C’s but both are too depressed to sleep together. Instead, C tells BN that B is changing—she had her chance to have him and chose BN. All she needs is someone to believe in her. Dammit! That’s why he and B should be together! BN goes to refill C’s drink

JL tells DD he’s a good friend to SS. The guy at dinner has convinced RR to sell his gallery, which means RR will lose the little income he does have during a time when he’s already scraping together hay-pennies to send DD to school.

BN has not gotten C a refill. C finds his glass in the living room, a sign that BN has instead gone off to believe in B. KJ arrives home from her walk. C apologizes for trying to date rape her. He says he’ll move out if KJ officially moves in. As to avoid the temptation to maybe rape her again.

B apologies to PC and asks for forgiveness and for him to pull some strings so she can be a lesbian at NYU after all. He forgives her and agrees to talk to the NYU people. BN appears and is happy they’ll both be in NYC together. They’re both sorry and they mack it.

SS calls Gabe. She leaves a message saying that she’s happy he came back for her and will talk to him tomorrow.

Gabe didn’t answer his phone because he’s with Poppycock, and she wants to know everything.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 20: Remains Of The J

March 31, 2009Leave a comment

Not So Sweet 16

Highlights: Boring break ups; boring make ups; boring getting back togethers; Jonathan and Suicidal Eric are still together though!

I continue to think it’s not possible to hate DownerDan any more, yet every time he’s on screen, the loathing builds up and spills out all over. He’s in the Poor House, bragging to KleptoJenny about how some kid sent him a story because he read and liked DD’s story. Then he gives RockinRufus the Yale papers.

RockinRufus notes that while DD got into Yale, KJ may make it to 16 and DD chimes in that it was touch and go for a while. How KJ isn’t a bulimic suicidal cutter is beyond me. RR isn’t making waffles this morning. They’re heading over to JudgyLily’s to eat jam.

LongLostVanessa arrives to get advice from DD as KJ and RR go ahead of him. She complains that BoringNate hasn’t contacted her in a week. DD takes BN’s side and blames LLV for everything because BN is DD’s boyfriend and he has to defend him. LLV gets an email from BN before she leaves.

A tan girl runs into SluttySerena on the street and updates her on her new boyfriend Gabriel and the jet-setting they’re doing. SS’s update is not much of anything and the girl says that everything is basically the same. SS invites the girl to the party she’s planning for KJ and the girl calls it sweet, with obvious disdain.

The Poor Family Trio arrives at JL’s for jam. Suicidal Eric is alive! Chuck is running out to a meeting and DD, who rages with jealousy of never being as cool as Chuck, wonders where C has to be so early.

SS runs in and she and JL announce that they’re throwing a party the next night to celebrate KJ’s Sweet 16. KJ wanted to do something small with the family and the two girls from chem class who didn’t set her on fire. I guess Agnes isn’t invited since she has pyro tendencies. RR will make his famous chili. Why is everything he cooks “famous?” They all exit awkwardly. RR reads through the Yale papers that say DD has been denied for financial aid. Yup, Yale has to draw the line somewhere and can’t offer aid to that kind of poverty.

At school, SE explains to SS that KJ most likely fears no one will show up to the party. The chickadees thank SS for canceling the KJ party so they can all go to Penelope’s party and not pretend to feel bad about missing the one SS was throwing. SS calls Poppy, I guess that’s the girl from the street who called SS boring, and asks for help.

Out on the street, LLV spies BN giving B a hug and sending her on her way from his house. C pulls up, explains that he sent LLV the email before from BN’s account, and says that Blair leaves BN’s place every morning.

Later on, C confronts B at school to say he knows she’s back with BN. She’s BN’s friend and brings him breakfast. C says BN and B never had chemistry. She insists they did. C says that he and B had sparks, not her and BN. B complains that she fought for her and C and now she’s tired. C lets B know that LLV and BN are technically still together.

JL tastes RR’s chili. He tells her that DD was denied financial aid. She offers to help and he refuses to take her money. She suggests he sell the loft and move into her place on the UES. He calls it a big step and wonders if it would work. She says there’s only one way to find out.

The questions we are all thinking:

1. Why will RR turn down a loan yet consider selling his only claim to real estate to move into a place that he does not own at all?

2. Why is selling the Brooklyn loft and combining families at rapid pace the only way to find out if living together would work?

BN and B stroll through the snowy park. She wants to embrace their fate and be together. He is going to break up with LLV officially at dinner. She wants him to do it over text. He does the hey hey hey thing again and insists that it will all work out.

SS, Poppy, and KJ shop for a designer dress for the party. Why doesn’t KJ simply steal one? KJ isn’t having a dressy party so she picks a casual dress. Poppy tells SS she needs to be more of a socialista and should plan an elegant party for KJ. They make KJ put on the dressy dress and SS starts replanning.

BN and LLV have dinner and break up. She asks if there’s someone else. He says there isn’t.

Then BN comes to B’s to announce he’s single again. Then he kisses her on the forehead and leaves before SL has time to break out the champagne.

LLV storms into C’s living room. They both think BN and B are making fools of LLV and C. The revenge plotting begins.

In the Poor House, KJ gathers all her board games for the party. DD says LLV will come to the party because she’s bummed about the break up. He answers the house phone and a real estate agent, who thinks DD is RR, tries to make an appointment for a showing of the loft.

KJ and DD arrive at the party with the board games and a vat of chili. She’s excited that things are going good between the Humphrey’s and JL. DD chooses this moment—the one in which KJ is finally content and the one right before her celebratory party—to inform her about the potential selling of her childhood home. Then they both come to the realization that they are Humphrey’s and they don’t belong in the UES.

They get off the elevator to find a swanky party. The chickadees are there. Penelope canceled her party because they heard Poppy would be here.

KJ finds SS for an explanation. SS makes KJ pose for a picture with her and the photographer doesn’t know it’s KJ’s birthday.

SE and Jonathan mock the customized napkins. SE says SS got carried away. KJ emails GossipGirl to invite everyone in NYC to the party.

C stares at LLV’s boobs in the elevator to the party as they discuss making a sex tape. I know this was so last season, but why is C going to KJ’s Sweet 16 after attempting to date rape her? Yeah, as much as I’m in love with him, he’s never even apologized for his rapey behavior. When C and LLV get off the elevator, they see BN and B talking to each other. And so, C and LLV do what any two people would do when they see the people they want to be with standing with each other—C and LLV mack it.

Drunk table dancers arrive and SS is embarrassed. Poppy and her crew leave. SS wants KJ to help get rid of the dancers. KJ says she invited them. SE interrupts to say that strangers are having sex on SS’s bed. She enlists the help of DD to get rid of them.

BN warns LLV about whatever she’s doing with C. He then insists nothing is going on with him and B. B says it’s true but something could happen now that everyone’s single. B pulls BN into a room and tries to have sex with BN. He says that things never worked for them as a couple because they were never friends before; now they are friends and should let that be it right now. She tires to kiss him and he says Hey hey hey. I shit you not. Seriously, is he watching Fat Albert for acting tips? He is not excited by her. Because B’s a girl.

As the unhappy duo reenters the party separately, LLV attempts to gloat. BN instead calls her more Blair-like than ever before.

SS and DD remake her bed as they discuss how the party is not what KJ wanted. SE interrupts again to say there’s a problem. The three of them and KJ head down to the front door to see a mob of teens trying to get into the party. The police show up. Then RR and JL show up.

JL is pissed that her apartment is in shambles. She blames SS. SS takes responsibility for the caterers. DD takes responsibility for the chili. KJ finally admits that the mob was her fault. She says she’s not Park Avenue and can’t stop being a Humphrey.

SS seeks out Poppy for help again. Poppy invites her to Spain with Gabriel the next day.

The next morning, RR and JL apologize to each other for their kids. Then they discuss how living together could be complicated. DD overhears them start to talk about Yale and finds out he didn’t get financial aid. RR tells him to stay positive and to contact his fan.

B and SL walk in the snowy park to feed the ducks. SL reveals that BN called and asked where in the park they’d be. BN appears in front of them. He tells B he does want to be with her. They mack it. I wonder what this means for DD, his boyfriend.

SS drags her luggage to Poppy’s where some guy asks if she’s Savanna. He met her last year when she was pal-ing around with Georgina. The guy turns out to be Gabriel, Poppy’s boyfriend.

DD calls his lone fan. The parents pick up their kid’s cell and answer for him. They are the parents RR and JL met with when they went to find out who their love child was. The love child is DD’s one and only fan. That figures. Only a blood relative would appreciate DD’s stupid story.

Meanwhile, LLV and C totally did it. And they are totally doing it again.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 19: The Grandfather

March 25, 2009Leave a comment

Slap That Tool!

Highlights: DownerDan becomes an intrinsic part of LongLostVanessa and BoringNate’s relationship; Chuck and Blair switch roles; JudgyLily feels the other side of judgement; oh, and SluttySerena slaps the tool and it feels real good for everyone

LongLostVanessa and DownerDan take a stroll through the Spring snow and run into BoringNate and his cousin, Tripp. Really, that’s his name. Tripp. Tripp’s engaged to Maureen and wants BN to come to a family gathering. BN declines. DD judges BN for skipping out on the reunion. BN has loyalty to his mom and doesn’t want to hang out with family who didn’t.

Chuck calls SluttySerena on her phone while simultaneously entering her bedroom. He can’t get in touch with Blair. SS tells him that B got rejected from Yale. “The only thing she wanted more than me,” he answers. Ahhh, that’s the Chuck Bass I love. He wants to lick B’s wounds.

JudgyLily checks out art for her place. RockinRufus interrupts with a phone call but she wants to focus on the art. The art lady thanks JL for being cool about the art lady being RR’s ex. JL obviously didn’t know that but says RR told her.

BN figures out how to use the split screen on his television but LLV and DD have decided that he should go to the family reunion. They know best because she’s BN’s girlfriend and he’s BN’s boyfriend. Work those manbangs, BN!

RR tells JL at home that the art woman wasn’t an important girlfriend. RR doesn’t think about exes but JL insists on making lists. Finally, RR is not wearing a strangling turtleneck.

BN takes DD and LLV to the family reunion where Tripp greets them in time to see Grandpa’s helicopter pulling in. BN finds out that Grandpa didn’t know he was coming. He greet GrandpaBoring who is delighted to see BN. The family claps as they hug it out.

C arrives at B’s. She’s sitting on her couch in lingerie. He hands her a gift. Out of nowhere, Carter Baysin, the guy who hung out in Dubai, emerges. Remember when I used to call Chuck “ChuckSlime”? Yeah, the slime baton has been handed off to Carter. He’s so slimy and not in the sexy Chuck Bass way but more in the creepy stalker peeping Tom kind of way even though he’s neither of those. C tells B that Carter The Guy From Dubai is using her to get to C and spills the info about the Super Secret Call Girl Club. B says DubaiGuy can’t be worse than C was.

LLV, DD, and BN take a tour of the house with Grandpa Boring. BN says that his college apps were derided because of the situation with his dad. Grandpa Boring is proud because BN acted nobly during the debacle. Then Tripp wants to play football in a bright yellow sweater.

B tells SS that she’s exhausted from being an overachiever in conniving for 18 years. She’s happy DubaiGuy is showing her a different world. Then she steals sunglasses. SS calls C for help with B. C is working with a private dick to get dirt on DG.

SS finds JL making her list of lovers. SS doesn’t think it’s a good idea. JL says she was saying yes to lists. Umm, it was JL’s idea! On JL’s list? Bart, Trent Reznor, and Slash.

BN is getting bent out of shape because Grandpa Boring won’t dive out penalties during the game. Maureen meets LLV who feels out of place. M tells her that BN’s charm and LLV’s activist background will make a good political career. On the filed, BN knocks down Tripp and scores some points. Can we say “boring?”

DG arrives at C’s and SS comes in with a ticket to Dubai to make him go away. She threatens to tell B about what happened in San Torini. He says that he has things on SS from that trip, too. DG says his going away won’t fix B. C is dying to know what happened in San Torini.

Meanwhile, B arrives at a strange townhouse. Alone. And enters. Dun dun DUN!

Now it’s tie for Awkward Dinner And A List. RR hands his small square of paper to JL. She hands him one of the many sheets of names, pretending it’s her only page:

Darius Manard
Hollis Meringer
Steve Krieger
Pierre Elliott
Randy Manion
James Borio
Ben Noble
Justin Pittman
Chris Nelson
Lindsey Hall
Jeffrey Rehlaender
Lawrence Orviet
Duncan Bryant
Jeff Christiano
Alan Cohen
Trent Reznor
Slash
Rufus Humphrey
Claus Richter
Bart Bass

Questions I know we’re all thinking:

1. In what kind of order is this list other than completely random?

2. Why did she include Rufus on the list?

3. Is this a list of ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, ex-one-night-stands, ex-lovers, ex-pity-fucks (aka Rufus) or a combination of all?

RR is relieved. He wasn’t sure they’d be in the same ballpark considering all the high society slutting around JL has claimed. Basically, he’s completely on the mark because she’s totally lying.

DD and LLV return to The Poor House. DD makes pretentious, unnecessary literary references and asks KJ, who is and has been sitting in the living room behind her laptop, to get him something for his ankle he hurt during the boring football game because she’s his minion. He grills LLV about her look. She had no idea BN’s family had high expectations but she doesn’t want to cause trouble between BN and his boring grandpa.

ServantLady refuses to tell SS and C where B is. C offers to buy the info. SL speaks in her native tongue and then in English complains about not being able to keep up with the many faces of B and SS.

Meanwhile, BN is working his manbangs hardcore as he explains to LLV that he won’t get roped into doing something he doesn’t want to do. He says, Hey hey hey, which is Hil. Air. Eee. Us. He gets a call from Tripp and turns down an offer to hang out because he’s eating pirogues with LLV. She tells him to go out because they’ll have time to eat pirogues in Budapest over the summer.

C and SS find B as she is begging a Dean for admission to Sarah Lawrence. So the townhouse wasn’t the venue for a Super Secret Sex Slave party, but is the residence of a dean B came to ask for mercy. She storms away from the house because she doesn’t get admission and now C and SS saw her beg.

The next day, SS and C crash BN’s family party to find B. She realizes that she can throw her life in the fire in front of New York Society. She begins by insulting a society woman and then the B I fell in love with comes out when she insults DD once again when he’s not around, apropos of nothing other than it’s a fun fallback hobby. When in doubt, insult DownerDan the Tool.

Can someone tell me why DD is invited to all the events BN takes LLV to? Oh, that’s right—because DD is BN are boyfriends! BN is wearing a blazer with a crest. LLV and DD find dinks.

RR finds the rest of JL’s list when he looks for cash for a tip in her purse. Because, in case you forgot, he’s POOR.

Tripp asks LLV if she’s excited about B’s big summer plans. She’s looking forward to pirogues. He says BN’s interning at the mayor’s office. She wants BN to tell his grandpa that he’s going to slum it with her instead. BN says he has a good opportunity and needs to figure out what to do in five years because his grandpa believes in him.

B continues to alienate people by disparaging her mother who isn’t even there and calling a woman an alcoholic. C pulls her away—btw, he’s wearing a pink bow tie. B suggests she’ll head up to the roof as C has done in the past. He knows she won’t because he knows her best. She pushes him against the wall and reminds him of their night at Victrola. She wants him to take her right then and there to prove that nothing matters. She’s not the B he wants so he says no. She says goodbye because she won’t be that B again.

BN finds B on a balcony and gives her his crested blazer. They reminisce about when they were 12 and 13, dating, and talking abou ttheir perfect future. She doesn’t know who she is or what to do. They feel lost.

SS slaps DD! Let me say that again: SS. Slaps. DD! One more time with feeling: SS SLAPS DD!!!!!!!! Right across the face! He realizes that B told SS about him benging CT in the costume closet. His defense: “She wasn’t my teacher.” OMG. SUCH. A. TOOL. SS can’t stop smiling because hitting him was invigorating. No fair! I want to hit Downer Dan the Tool, too!

JL thanks RR for ordering egg rolls. RR takes out the list he found. He wants to pretend it never happened. JL thinks RR is embarrassed by her list. He storms out.

LLV believes in BN but a different version of him. Perhaps, one with less manbangs. Grandpa Boring announces BN’s internship. BN makes a speech about family and commitment. LLV is upset that he takes the position. Now who’s gonna pay for her pirogues in Budapest?

C brood alone at home. SS asks what happened with B. He’s losing her. He tried and failed. SS reminds him how many times B tried to get through to him. She says that B is scared because she no longer has a plan.

Over in Poverty Stricken Brooklyn, KJ can’t believe LLV and BN broke up. We know that she’s secretly screaming in her head, “Yeah! That’s right bitch! He’s all mine!” LLV isn’t sure they are broken up. We know that KJ is secretly screaming in her head, “I’m sure you are, boyfriend stealer!” DD tells LLV it’s going to be okay. Easy for him to say; he’s still together with BN.

RR returns to JL to show her a new list of things that make her happy, sad and crazy. It’s the only list he needs. He apologizes. FOR WHAT???? It was all her idea and then she lied!!!! She says it’s all her fault. Yeah it is! She doesn’t understand how RR didn’t have more girls while on tour. He says he was pining for a certain blonde the whole time.

C tries to see B again. SL won’t let him. He needs to tell her something. SL goes upstairs. C stares and looks like he’s gonna ralph at any second.

B thanks BN, who’s in the bedroom, for making sure she got home okay. He goes to leave but their hands touch and she tells him to stay.

Downstairs, C pucks up BN’s jacket. Then he glares up the stares, smoldering. Dun dun DUN!

I totally didn’t see that one coming. Well, I suspected something would happen on the balcony before, but from last week to this week, I thought BN would remain boring.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 18: The Age Of Dissonance

March 17, 2009Leave a comment

Trust: The New Four Letter Word

Highlights: DownerDan is a tool for the most part; ChildTeacher needs to be fired pronto; BoringNate is so boring that he doesn’t know what not boring is

When we last saw the East Siders of the Upper Persuasion, Blair was being mean, DownerDan was being a tool, SluttySerena broke up with him, ChildTeacher was statutory raping DD, BoringNate was being boring with LongLostVanessa, SuicidalEric and KleptJenny were MIA, RockingRufus and JudgyLily were being everything parents should not be, and Chuck Bass was Chuck Bass. This week, the seniors are acting in The Age Of Innocence, during which BN and DD get to wear uber-gay outfits, allowing their true homosexuality to shine in public while pretending they are acting. They make a spiffy gay couple in Turn Of The Century garb.

Blair tells SS that SS is suited to play the pretty character while B herself can play the deeper character. SS has a crush on their director. B wonders if she’s sick of brooding artists. The chickadees get all loud with squeals because NelliYuki gets an early acceptance to Yale. B is horrified because Yale offers only one of those and she didn’t get it.

KJ volunteered to do costumes for the play and she doesn’t like it. She complains about it to DD who walks away without saying anything. Then CT walks in and DD looks at her forlornly.

LLV creeps behind the scenes for a new documentary and BN is boring. Oh. My. God. He dares to call Wharton’s The Age Of Innocence boring. There’s adultery, intrigue, conniving, backstabbing, and lying, but the book is boring. No, Nate. YOU’RE boring. LLV discusses the symbolism in the book and, because he has no clue as to what she’s talking about, he macks it with her.

Chuck is networking at a restaurant and spies Carter Baysin. The woman Carter is with the “trollop” from the mystery night Chuck can’t remember much about. She leaves. Then Carter leaves. I have no idea what’s going on.

Backstage, the Poor Humphrey siblings talk about CT because it’s all about DD. He doesn’t like how the other teachers treat CT. KJ wants DD to stay away from her. He wants to know if she’s okay. KJ agrees to go out and give CT a note from DD. CT gives the note back to KJ with a charm in it. Seriously? This woman is psycho. Find someone your own age!!!!! Or at least someone who can buy you a drink without using a fake ID.

B finds Head Mistress Quiggley (yes, I’m aware that’s not her name—mine name for her is better) to complain about NelliYuki getting into Yale early. HMQ was on her way to tell B that Yale has extended B’s acceptance to NelliYuki instead. Someone put in a call to Yale about B’s hazing of a faculty member and even though B made amends, Yale doesn’t care. B won’t be attending Yale. Still, the show must go on, so B takes the stage as Countess Olenska, allowing her to put all her sorrow into her character.

Far from school in the business world, Chuck Bass, who apparently no longer needs an education, finds the trollop sitting in his office. She asks for his help.

At schools, RR sits in on rehearsal next to KJ. He finds the passionate note and the key (not a charm—oops) that CT left for DD.

B goes backstage to accost NelliYuki who is currently in a fat suit. She calls NelliYuki jealous because B has a great life. NelliYuki says that people hate B, they aren’t jealous, and that she didn’t tell Yale about the CT hazing. Then they all get an email blast about B’s ex Lord who was schtupping his own mother, saying that B knew and was desperate. Someone’s obviously out to get B.

SS finds the director to try to get him to sleep with her. He could care less and walks away. Then LLV cockblocks and asks SS about her part in the play for the documentary. SS asks Julien the director if he would join her and LLV so they can interview him for the film. He, for some ungodly reason, agrees.

While Julien gets his coat, B arrives to yell at LLV for sending the CT hazing info to Yale and the Lord info to GossipGirl. LLV has no clue what B is talking about. B wants to know what SS is hanging with LLV because they hate her. SS says she doesn’t hate her. B advises SS to stay away from LLV because LLV destroys things and cannot be trusted.

The trollop girl is at Chuck’s house. She’d been hanging with Carter to get help because he’s rich. She says that she knows a lot of information that could destroy people and she wants to get away. He offers to get her a new identity. She thanks him and then they mack it. He asks how she feels about Brazil. If I know Chuck Bass, then I know he’s not talking about the country.

Now here’s a table I would never want to sit at. Julien the Director is yammering about the play and literature. LLV is lapping it up with giggles and “are you kidding”s. BN is staring on all pouty because he has no clue what’s going on. SS is trying to get attention by being pretty. BN wants to leave but SS needs LLV to stay so that SS understands what the conversation is about. BN leaves and then Julien decides to jet anyway. LLV calls Julien self-centered and suggests SS not be so into him. Julien comes back to the table, saying he paid. SS asks for more coaching and he agrees to help her later on.

Over in the Poor House, DD the ToolBox tells KJ he was looking for her after rehearsal. She says he was great in the play. He doesn’t care about that. He wants to know if CT responded. She says that CT wrote him a note. He wants it but, uh-oh! Dad has it!

Cut to RR walking in on CT setting up candles on her dining room table. He holds up the key to hand it back to her. For all the non-parental things that RockinRufus does that will surely wound his offspring emotionally and mentally for the rest of their lives, this is one thing that is, in a word, AWESOME.

Back at the Poor House, RR tells DD that the thing between DD and CT is over. DD thinks that it’s not. RR tells him that as much as he thinks he’s all grown up, he’s not. Does Rufus have a tan? DD explains that he’s 18 and he can do what he wants. Okay, so it’s not statutory rape after all. Still, it’s completely unethical.

SS runs lines with Julien on her couch. He brings up other Wharton novels to help her work on the character. SS has her phone hidden in her hair on her ear. She’s locked into LLV who’s feeding her ideas to say. BN walks up behind LLV, overhearing her praise for Julien. He walks away without LLV noticing he’s there. For someone so streetwise, she has no awareness of her surroundings. Julien tells SS she’s deep. Then SS gets a text blast that says she’s been accepted to Yale only because it’s good for a press release about it.

Carter Baysin meets Chuck and the trollop on the street to help her get her new identity. Chuck kisses her goodbye as if he’s her boyfriend and guarantees she’s okay. Then Baysin says he’ll take care of her while showing the Stamp of the Secret Society on his arm to Chuck. Carter was the wrong person to trust.

SS goes to B’s to yell at her about sending the info about Yale and the press release to Gossip Girl. B swears she would never do that. SS explains that only B and DD know about it and DD wouldn’t do it. SS storms out, hating that she trusted her best friend, and B tells ServantLady it all must be DD’s fault.

DD grabs CT inappropriately at school because he wants to talk to her. He wants him to stay away and he pulls her into the dressing room. Because that won’t be misconstrued at all. He can’t pretend that he doesn’t have feelings for her. He grabs her hand and kisses it. She scowls at him but then they go at it again. On a chair. In the costume closet. At school. INAPPROPRIATE!!!! And let me say this—if the roles were reversed, if she were a male teacher and he were a female student, no way would this be any kind of acceptable.

The play is going on. LLV is recording parts of it backstage. She stops taping when SS exits stage so she can ask about Julien. B, meanwhile, is giving DD the evil eye.

Chuck meets with a friend of his father to ask about a gentleman’s club. The guy says he doesn’t know Carter Baysin, but Chuck saw this guy leave when Carter did. Chuck says that when he goes to the authorities, he’ll give all the names of his father’s friends. He says that he cares about the trollop. Mr. Campbell, the dad’s friend, says he can’t say anything. He leaves. Then Chuck gets a text that has a hotel name and a time.

Julien gives the cast a pep talk between acts. He makes really bad metaphors about acting and being on a cliff. Then he informs them that Charles Isherwood, a renown theatre critic, is in the audience. The real Charles Isherwood is actually on the show. I don’t know why he would be coming to a high school rendition of a play in which none of the students are serious actors.

Backstage, LLV nags at BN for not coming to get her. Julien interupts their boring fight to tell BN that, well, basically that he’s dumb and doesn’t understand the depth of his character. BN walks away to work on his smoldering tempest of emotion. Julien tells LLV to set up a tripod so she can watch the show along with him.

On stage, B starts to break character to yell at DD under her breath during their scene together. She slams him against the carriage their sitting in for a mock makeout. When the curtain closes, she says that he’s the only one who knew it all so it has to be him. She storms away and DD peeks out from behind the curtain to see CT in the audience.

Backstage, KJ gives BN a scarf. He screws up his lines on stage when he sees LLV sitting next to Julien. Then he breaks character to say he hates the clothes (no he doesn’t), he hates the play (believable), and he hates “pretentious ass-hats who try to steal other people’s girlfriends” (he may hate pretentious ass-hats but he doesn’t care about girlfriends because DD is his one true love). Finally, though, he’s not boring. He threatens to punch the next ass-hat in his face.

B picks up where he left off, bemoaning how people try to destroy you anonymously. Then SS complains about how best friends can be untrustworthy. NellyYuki pipes up that she hates her costume. Then BN comes back onto stage to complain that his family lost all its money so he knows more about humiliation and bankruptcy than the pretentious director. KJ finally pulls the curtain shut. The audience offers a confused clap.

Julien yells at the high school idiots backstage. Charles Isherwood loved the juxtoposition of the radical desconstruction in the second act. Julien takes the credit for all of it. LLV gets it all on her camcorder and then goes to look for BN. SS doesn’t know why she had a crush on Julien. He tells her he’s gay.

LLV finds BN to ask what happened to him. He says he knows she’s into Julien because he’s older and deep and he overheard her at the gallery. She says that she was on the phone with SS. He says that the fact remains—they have nothing in common. She says that he doesn’t even try. He thinks that she should be with someone who likes tomatoes. She calls him insecure and lazy.

The trollop finds Chuck and says that all she had to do was sign a confidentiality agreement. All she needed was money. She doesn’t want to go anywhere with him and he should give his heart to someone who cares. Chuck is left standing alone.

DD pulls CT aside behind a carriage prop and acts as if it’s a sound-proof bubble. He can’t believe she sent all that info out to Yale to hurt B. He says she has no integrity. She says that B deserved it. DD says CT is worse because B’s a high schooler and CT is an adult. Umm, technically CT is an adult, but judging from her recent actions in wardrobe, she’s not an adult in a mental capacity. DD of all people should know that.

Immediately, DD tells B out in the open (yet no one overhears) that CT was the leak. Then he says, “We had sex in the costume closet. Do what you want with that.” He definitely hopes that tidbit gets out. He knows it will only up his worth. Back to being a tool in five seconds flat.

B stalks up to CT and asks if sex with a student is moral. CT is confused and can’t understand what she’s become. She apologizes to B. B says that her punishment is to live with it. It’s not easy; B says she knows.

SS texts LLV that Julien is gay. DD finds SS to tell her that he’s responsible for the blast about SS’s press release because he told CT who leaked it. SS goes to find B.

LLV apologizes to BN at his place. She brought snacks so they could cuddle on the couch and watch ESPN. He’s watching The Age of Innocence on his laptop. He calls it heart-breaking and they kiss. So boring.

DD arrives home as RR eats Haagen-Dazs from the carton. He rambles about how CT isn’t who he thought she was. He says that RR was right but RR has to give him space to make his own mistakes. RR tells him to make mistakes at Yale with girls his own age.

B plays with the olive in her martini when SS arrives to apologize for not believing B. B knows that B lies and betrayal is in her own nature. She doesn’t want a speech from SS telling her she’s a good person. Yale kicking her out is karma. She asks SS to leave. Wow, B broods as well as Chuck Bass.

KJ gives DD a letter she found by the door. It’s from CT. She’s returning to Iowa. She quotes Edith Wharton in it.

Chuck Bass arrives at B’s house. SL tells him B is out. He says, “I’ll wait.” My heart leaps from my chest. I love ChuckAndBlair. Yeay!!!!!!

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Carter Baysin finds B all alone with her martini. He puts his hand on her knee. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 17: Carnal Knowledge

February 3, 20092 Comments

I Heart Vili Fualaau

Highlights: ChildTeacher somehow finds DownerDan’s pretentious toolness endearing while SluttySerena gets jealous; Blair wages a war without much of an arsenal; Chuck tries to remember the greatest night of his life; RockinRufus kinda acts like a parent

War, what is it good for? It’s a good way for Blair to find something to complain about. She strolls through the park on her cell, complaining to SluttySerena who’s shoulder deep in her closet. Blair breaks to scold ServantLady for how she’s picking up leaves and trash incorrectly. SS blames B for her troubles and defends ChildTeacher. B then makes fun of DownerDan for no apparent reason other than that she’s talking to SS.

B tells ServantLady that SS is siding with the enemy and can’t recruit her. GayDaddy shows up and tells her she’s handling her punishment with grace so he has a picnic lunch. She so wanted to handle this on her own. By her own, she means getting SL to do it for her. GD hugs her and leaves with the dog.

ChildTeacher and DD meet in a cafe to talk about his short story that she praises. She asks if any other student takes the subway and he says that only the poor people do. They exchange a quick-fire mockery of all things rich—i. e. all things not them; ergo, all things of which they are jealous and desperate to have but feign an above-all-that attitude to get by. SS walks in to find ChildTeacher and DD. Oh, they call their teacher Rachel, her first name, because that’s really appropriate in high school. DD leaves awkwardly and SS goes to sit while CT raves about DD’s references to King Lear.

Chuck Bass awakes! He’s wearing a button down black shirt. He has a tattoo on the inside of his right wrist. He has flashbacks to the night before. It’s filled with women, most of whom are licking him. He calls BoringNate to ask if they spoke the night before because it was the greatest night of C’s life.

B finds CT on the steps at the school. B pretends to be nice but when CT walks away, she approaches the Chickadees with a plan for a take-down. None of the girls want to help B because HMQ will call Yale and say it’s all good. B takes a stand to say that it’s not about Yale, but about their legacy as Chickadees. None of them are with her.

HMQ comes outside to announce their new school policy: No cell phone usage during school hours. They all have to check their phones at the door. NelliYuki calls it evil. B wonders if they’re with her now, and of course they are.

The Chickadees wonder in the bathroom about Gossip Girl and scandals. ServantLady arrives incognito to smuggle cell phones to B. DroopyHazel pipes up, Thank you, Jesus! B corrects, No, Thank you, Blair. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!! NelliYuki wants to check the dow. B tells the girls to dig deep into CT’s past to run her out of Constance. They all scramble for the phones.

C meets up with BN and, by annoying necessity LLV. He received a business card yesterday that he thought was for a business meeting but was for the ultimate private gentlemen’s club. They go into a mansion-like building that he has a key for and then again as he tells the tale, there are flashback to girls. Basically, yesterday for Chuck Bass was a scene from Eyes Wide Shut, hopefully without the annoying one-note piano. He doesn’t remember a whole lot, but he hopes the building will jog his memory.

The Chickadees are still in the bathroom, complaining that they can’t find any dirt on CT. B tells them to make something up if they can’t find something bad, and then calls them idiots.

DD literally bumps into CT in the hall. Is it just me or does DD literally knock into people more than the average person does? He picks up the books that he made her drop and says that he likes her sweater and then babbles on as only DD can about her wardrobe. B looks on from a doorway. The Chickadees line up behind her and tells them to abandon the first plan because she’s found something better. B emails GG about the Mary Kay Latourneau alert. Omigod, I love B, even when she’s evil.

At school, DD finds himself in the rare position of people in the courtyard smiling at him and patting him on the back instead of completely shunning him. KleptoJenny finds him and asks if he wants to say anything to her. He takes that as an opportunity to tell her that her teen angst phase make-up made her look like one of The Incredibles. God, he’s such a tool! She shows him her hand that NelliYuki wrote on—it says that DD and CT are probably having an affair. SS comes in while KJ leaves and she wants to know that it’s not true. He says that it’s absolutely not and wonders why anyone would do this. SS thinks that maybe B has something to do with it.

Okay, I’m not making this up. BN is sitting at the piano with LLV, giggling and pushing random keys and it seems more like a fag hag and her gay pal rather than boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m just saying. C is descending the stairs. Oh, no, this really IS Eyes Wide Shut. Incidentally, whenever I type Eyes Wide Shut, I keep writing Eyes Wide Shit by accident. Perhaps it’s not an accident. That movie? Sucked moose wang. Moving on. BN says that this place reminds him of his aunt’s house. C remembers velvet curtains and women with masks. BN wants C to get some rest. C holds up a photograph of a woman holding an infant and says that she is the woman from last night.

Still in the school bathroom, B plays with makeup while DD comes in to accuse her of sending out the rumor. B tells him to write a story about it and have CT give him notes while she’s naked. Dude, get out of the ladies’ room.

SS finds CT on the street to give her the assignment. They then discuss how great DD is. Jeez. CT then mentions that a lot of the students have been looking at her awkwardly and SS clues her into the rumor, saying that eventually everyone forgets. CT learns all about Gossip Girl. Then DD approaches her on the front steps in front of everyone. Good game plan to avoid the rumors.

C calls a real estate agent to tour the mansion and get dirt on the owners. The agent doesn’t want to give out the client’s information. C gets all up in her personal space and puts on his husky hushed charm to try to get her to give. She goes to get water and he calls a residence to talk to a nanny he thinks is the woman he met. The man who answers says that the nanny was watching the kids the night before, but C goes ahead and leaves a message for her anyway.

B goes into HMQ’s office, where CT is waiting. HMQ says that the school has turned a blind eye to Gossip Girl since it’s always been about students, but now a teacher is involved. B denies, denies, denies. CT says that someone came forward to accuse B and B guesses it’s DD. CT says it was then confirmed by a witness. And in walks Nelli. Yuki. Let me say that again.

In. Walks. Nelli. Yuki.

Her head is hanging and B’s jaw is clenched so tightly that her teeth may combust into powder. I’ll avoid discussing how I really don’t think they’d pit one student against the other in the office because this is just too good. NelliYuki says she needs to get into Ivy League. HMQ tells B that they can’t tolerate this kind of behavior, and B gets expelled.

GD tells a semi-sleeping B that HMQ won’t change her mind. B calls this her darkest hour. She’s had several of those. GD says that CT has a legitimate case for slander. B says she may have posted something on Gossip Girl because that’s how she and her friends communicate, and she didn’t lie. He says that the real issue is a teacher having an inappropriate relationship with a student. She thanks her daddy.

At the Poor Cafe, LLV questions DD about SS’s reaction to getting B expelled. DD says that the boyfriend clause is not at stake when B involves DD in her schemes. Then RockinRufus questions him about the slander, which he learned from an emergency meeting of the parents’ council. He asks DD if there’s something they need to talk about. RR, no doubt, is secretly hoping that DD really is boning his teacher. A package arrives for LLV; it’s a business card and a lacy bra. She goes to file it and DD walks away, denying the rumors.

SS meets CT in the park. WHY is CT turning to STUDENTS for consolation about the craziness that’s going this week? THIS is the problem. Do NOT meet your students in a park, in a cafe, anywhere off of school grounds, ESPECIALLY when there are rumors flying about you having an inappropriate sexual relationship with one of them. THIS is inappropriate to begin with. You are not their friend, Rachel Child Teacher! SS begs for B to not be expelled. CT feels terrible but B could have destroyed CT’s future. SS calls Gossip Girl a stupid website and CT won’t budge. She still, however, wants to be SS’s friend. NO! IDIOT! SS calls B when CT leaves. B hands her dog to SL because she doesn’t deserve him because she’s not going to Yale. Then SS sees that CT left her planner on the bench. She sees a meeting for later penciled in.

RR and JudgyLily arrive at school for a parent meeting. GD approaches them to say that B is being scapegoated. RR wants to discuss online honor codes. GD wants to advocate for his daughter. RR wants to make sure that his son is no longer slandered. Heeheeee. Funny.

BN calls C to see if any progress has occured. C says he’s meeting his very flexible chiropractor. Some woman lingers behind C, holding a candle.

CT and DD have coffee. She thanks him for supporting her because she has no friends in the city. He says he could always be a character witness. She’s overwhelmed and is on the verge of tears. She says that she would never do something like that and he’s insulted that she uses the word “never.” Oh, come off of it, Tool, you know what she means. She explains that if he were older and not a student at the brother school of where she teaches, then maybe she’d blow him or something. Okay, she didn’t say that much, but you know she’s thinking it. She’s really, really pathetic. Then she cries and does the girly wave her hand in front of her face thing. Then DD reaches over and tucks her hair away from her face because, like, right, THAT’S necessary to do to a person when she’s crying.

SS arrives just in time to see this and she snaps a shot of them touching each other. He goes to hug her and she stops him. He says he’s just trying to help and she says—and I shit you not—It’s just not appropriate. Really? Now you’re figuring it out. You know what else is not appropriate? MEETING YOUR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT—ESPECIALLY ONE WITH WHOM EVERYONE ALREADY THINKS YOU’RE HAVING AN AFFAIR— IN A COFFEE SHOP OFF OF SCHOOL GROUNDS AT NIGHT ON A SATURDAY TO POUR YOUR HEART OUT BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS.

Meanwhile, C finds out from the mystery lady that he inadvertantly received that invitation and wasn’t supposed to be at the party. She wants to know what he remembers so he macks it with her. He says he remembers nothing else. She says she was at the party for another man—his father. She took over a client list and sent out invitations not realizing. When she found out his name, she drugged him to get him out of there in the hopes he wouldn’t remember anything so that he would be safe. Finally, C brings up that this whole situation is way too much like Eyes Wide Shit (I’m not fixing it anymore). She orders him to stop asking questions because it’s too dangerous for him to know anything.

Oh, jeez. LLV comes over to BN’s in her lacy blindfold—which is not a bra as I thought it was—and says that she got the invitation earlier. He grabs her and they mack it back inside his place.

SS arrives at B’s in a tizzy. B is going to apply to Oberlin. SS says that B was right about DD and CT. B wants proof and realizes that SS has it. SS says that she wants to confront DD first to give him another opportunity. Then SS shows her the picture. B says she’s sorry about DD and B drags her to the parent meeting while yelling at SL to get her dog back. SS texts DD to meet her at school pronto.

At the meeting, GD proclaims that Gossip Girl represents freedom of speech. RR says that B posted slander. One of the women says that they can seek an injunction and shut GG down if it’s slander. JL points out that a hundred other sites will pop up in its place. RR insists that slander is wrong. JL doesn’t want B to lose Yale over this, and RR questions DD’s future.

B busts into the meeting even though it’s closed to students. She asks HMQ to check her email. HMQ does so on the big screen so that the picture of DD and CT pops up. The parents gasp.

DD finds SS at school. She yells at him for lying and says she saw them in the coffee shop. He says that CT was upset and when he went to comfort her, she pulled away. SS says that she took a photo and shows it to him. DD says she can’t show it to anyone. SS says she already gave it to B who’s in the meeting right now.

Then the meeting empties out. RR passes right by DD. DD calls out that it’s not true but RR doesn’t want to be seen in public with DD. CT comes out and says that she got fired. Well, now she really can make out with DD. B comes out to say she’s back in. DD calls what she did a lie. B says that what she said was eerily prophetic. GD overhears and goes to walk home, upset over his daughter’s lie.

DD and SS talk more about their stupid relationship. DD wants to know why SS believes the worst even when he’s telling the truth. She says that part of her probably wanted to. Hold up. Weren’t the roles completely switched last season and DD kept dropping her because he didn’t trust her even though she was being as honest as she could? Tool. Tool. Tool. They realize that their relationship is over. Again. They hug it out. I so want to say that the Era of Couple Tool is over, but I’ve been tricked into that before. Let’s say that the Era of Couple Tool is on hiatus. Again.

Omigod! Omigod! DD is wearing RR’s granny cardigan!!!! They sit in the kitchen of the Poor House, discussing DD’s stupid breakup with SS. DD tells him that CT didn’t do anything. RR says that he believes him, but “meeting a student off hours…” DD gets angry that RR actually wanted CT fired. Well, good! She was being inappropriate! Way to be a dad, RR! Now if only you were a dad all the time and not whenever the mood strikes.

SS goes over to CT’s to return the planner. Then she admits to taking the picture at the coffee shop. CT returns SS’s paper, which she says is good. Then she asks SS to leave. Okay, now CT is a tool. She thinks she did nothing wrong. Join a social group. Meet people at work. Do NOT think your students are your friends. A lesson learned the hard way.

B has her dog back. GD is disappointed in B because she lied to him and allowed him to defend her lie. She did it because Yale was on the line because she has to go there like he did. He says what matters most to him is the type of person she is, not where she goes to school. She wants to take him to the airport but he wants to say goodbye at home. They both have a lot to think about.

C rifles through his father’s safe and finds all the invitations from the secret club. Then he gets a call from the guy who C called before to find the nanny. The nanny never made it home.

DD goes to CT’s house to apologize. He says that the hug was wildy stupid and inappropriate. So CT does what any well-balanced teacher would do—she grabs his head and shoves her tongue into his mouth. She says she doesn’t teach at Constance anymore. So they mack it more and go inside.

At school, HMQ meets with RR and JL because they are in charge of the parents’ council. HMQ says that the rumors are not provable. CT can have her job back to avoid her suing them for wrongful termination. I don’t think CT is old enough to understand that concept. So HMQ is going to call CT to inform her.

SS walks down the street under the biggest umbrella ever. She leaves a message for DD to apologize about everything. She wants to forget this whole CT thing ever happened.

Meanwhile, the clothes are flying off in CT’s house. DD has one missed call.

Umm, yeah, just because you’re not his teacher anymore, you’re still an adult and he’s still a minor. Welcome to the world of statutory rape, genius. And if RR finds out, he’s totally going to sue you because he’s poor and, really, he’s probably a little jealous that DD gets to screw the teacher.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 16: You’ve Got Yale

January 20, 2009Leave a comment

Even Poor People Go To The Opera

Highlights: BoringNate and LongLostVanessa have the most boring relationship ever; SluttySerena and DownerDan have the most repetitive relationship ever; getting all rapey is hereditary; Blair needs Yale; RockinRufus will not shut up about his magic skin flute

ServantLady, GayDaddy, and Gay Daddy’s Boyfriend greet Blair in the hall and wear Yale sweaters. They present her with a dog that’s the mascot for Yale. They then sit on either side of her at breakfast and ask if Chuck will be accompanying them to the opera later on. B says C’s dead to her.

DownerDan brings SluttySerena some breakfast at her place even though she can afford it better than he can. He’s being supportive on Yale Day. They’re all finding out if they’ve gotten in. Then they bring up their shared half-brother. DD hopes they can reinvent themselves at Yale, as in tell NO ONE they share a brother.

RockinRufus and JudgyLily come downstairs. Oh, there’s got to be a morning after. JL tries to believe that it’s not at all awkward to have them both come down to see their children there. SS and DD leave, all grossed out. JL brings up opera plans for later and RR thinks they should get more than four hours of sleep. (So what did they do last night for the other three hours and 55 minutes? Ba-dum-dum. Too easy.) She wants to take him out in public no matter what anyone else thinks. They start mackin it and SuicidalEric catches them this time and tells them to get a room. I guess they’re over the heartache of the dead love child.

Chuck is trying to order underage girls for CreepyUncle to sleep with so he can get in trouble. He tells CU he’s doing a bad job in the company. CU is going to the opera later and thinks C should go with him to prove that there’s no love lost between them. I think it would prove that there’s no love between them considering how C scowls at him.

SS’s teacher looks younger than SS. SS and DD hold the door open for her as she babbles about Teach For America and how she’s never been to New York before. So there’s a new teacher in the middle of the year. What the? When DD says he’s from Brooklyn and she should check it out, she replies, The place across the bridge? and I automatically love her.

Outside of school, B is making the Chickadees check Yale’s acceptance over and over. She tells NelliYuki that Yale won’t accept someone with SAT scores of 2360.

DD and BN are together again. Ah, young love. They stroll the halls together under the guise of having to discuss what BN can give LLV. BN doesn’t get DD’s reference to A Clockwork Orange. Then, and I shit you not, DD gets a text, opens his mouth wide, and grabs BN’s shoulder. Meanwhile, BN’s eyes dart all over the place. Young love can be awkward.

C arrives at JL’s as she picks out a dress. He wants her to help him with “something.”

The Chickadees in the courtyard keep refreshing their browsers. Finally, it comes up that SS got into Yale and B got waitlisted. B can’t read the screen because it’s too small. DD runs in to rejoice at getting in to Yale (of course he did—tool!). SS says she didn’t get in, which is a lie, and says she’s been waitlisted like B. Because she doesn’t let her light shine. DD says that she’ll get in. B wants to see Head Mistress Quigley right away.

Over at JL’s, C says that CU is ruining everything. She wants C to move back in with the family and she doesn’t like shenanigans. She tells him he needs the board on his side and her part of the company should mean something. He’s not so sure it does.

B yells at HMQ that DD got in to Yale while she didn’t because he’s a cafeteria lady and she’s not. HMQ assures B that waitlisted students usually get in and she needs to rise to the occasion.

SS’s ChildTeacher congratulates SS on getting in to Yale. SS doesn’t want people to know. CT asks if SS wants to go to Yale and SS says she’s unsure. CT tells her not to accept for the wrong reasons. B meets them and is on the hunt for the girl who got into Yale. SS doesn’t say it’s her. CT asks B where she was when she missed class and hands back her paper. B thinks Yale has class for passing up on SS, which it didn’t. Then she brings up DD’s need for financial aid for no real reason other than to point out to SS that she’s dating a poor man.

SS gets a call from Yale and she needs to call back later.

JL meets with another board member named Peter who says they have little power. CU walks in and calls them minority share holders. She tells him he’s doing a poor job in the company. He says that the board would never put her in charge because of her bad reputation.

B finds ChildTeacher and complains that she got a “B” on her paper. She says that everyone gets A’s so they get into Yale. CT refuses to inflate grades. B storms off to find SS and cry about losing Yale because of the grade CT gave her. SS goes to return the phone call.

JL meets C to get dirty. C tried to buy anthrax and get CU on a sex offender’s list. JL wants to bring him down legally. She thought she lost C and she’s happy he’s there. C ignores this attempt at being a family and wants to crash CU in the Bass plane. JL gets a call from RR about the opera. C can’t believe she’s taking her “half price hustler” out in public only weeks after her husband’s death. He says if she wants to be family, she should show some tact. I completely COMPLETELY agree.

OMG, can’t DD go away for like five minutes? He’s friggin everywhere. He wants SS to go to Yale with him over the weekend. B and the Chickadees overhear and decide that if DD goes to Yale, they have to teach CT how to inflate grades so B can go. SS says that B got into Yale because SS just declined her acceptance. B doesn’t understand why SS would turn it down. SS simply doesn’t want to go. DD storms away, upset that SS won’t be following The Great Tool Downer Dan to Yale because he makes everything about him. B decides to leave CT alone for now since she doesn’t need the grade.

LLV and BN stroll by Central Park. She surprises him with tickets to the opera. This is the most boring stroll by Central Park ever.

At the Poor House, SE tries to teach RR about the opera. KJ calls it ridiculous and points out that JL loves him because he doesn’t know prissy crap like this. Meaning he’s poor and she likes slumming it.

B and the Chickadees play angel versus devil to decide if they will rage against ChildTeacher anyway. B calls CT’s cell to invite her to the opera with her family later on as an apology. CT doesn’t understand how B got her cell number, but B presses on until CT agrees.

RR, JL, SS and DD stand in the opera auditorium, discussing visiting colleges. DD excuses himself again because he’s Mr. Sour Pants. He finds LLV and BN, yet again creating an awkward love triangle.

CU bumps into RR and JL with his assistant/date. JL tells his date that she has bad taste. They say the same to JL. RR is upset that they’re not seeing The Magic Flute because it’s the one he studied even though it’s a kids’ opera. They bump into some guy who wants to know what to do with the documents. JL runs to find C to tell him the perfect solution.

BN is upset that the seats LLV got suck. And old lady with candy sits next to LLV. Someone coughs. BN and LLV laugh.

DD and SS are pouting on a couch. She wants to go to Brown. He wants her to go to Yale because he’s clinging on as long as possible because this is the closest he’ll ever get to being rich. Then they have a conversation that goes like this: Things don’t go in boxes. They go in the ocean. It’s a train ride. It won’t last. Some of that has to do with JL and RR and some of it has to do with I have no idea what.

RR admits to JL that he studied the wrong opera. He can’t exist in her world. JL says it doesn’t matter as long as they exist together in their own world. They mack it as DD and SS appear. DD says something about a box. JL tells them all to go sit while she handles “something.”

B gets a call from HMQ to say that CT called her to say that B would still get an A in the class even though she got a “B” on the paper. B excuses herself from GayDaddy to go fix “something.”

JL and the document guy find C with their documents. It’s adoption papers. She and FatherSlime were adopting each other’s kids and she’d totally forgotten. C then signs some papers because children always have to sign their own adoption papers. This means that JL is his guardian, not CU, and CU now has no control in Bass Industries. CU arrives in time to see all the document signing going down. C sends him back to where he belongs—Australia.

B finds CT on the street. CT is pissed because B sent her to a closed restaurant and gave her the wrong time for the opera. B is trying to make things right because she’s trying not to act out against people any more. CT still won’t go to the opera. She calls HMQ.

LLV and BN are in his private box, away from the ladies. Now they can make out during the boring parts. Man, if I had a guy over, we’d be making out during the LLV and BN parts of this show.

JL goes to the bathroom. CU follows her. She’s not scared of him. He’s high. He grabs her.

RR brags to DD that he talked about The Magic Flute to someone. He says the trick is to pretend you know what you’re saying. That’s pretty much how he parents as well.

C catches on that CU has followed JL into the bathroom. He busts in right about the time CU is trying to rape her. Aww, it must run in the family. C throws CU off of JL and punches CU. RR then rushes in as JL thanks C.

The next day, RR is upset about how his hair looks in the paper because he hasn’t had good hair since ’91. She says his caring about how he looks in the paper makes him fit into her world just fine. She’s okay from what happened last night.

C comes in when RR leaves. She heard CU is going back to Australia. She has faith that C will do wonders with the company when he turns 18. He knows that his dad died by accident. He wants a new beginning.

B is getting ready for breakfast with HMQ. SS reads the catalog from Brown while they’re on the phone. Then SS hangs up to ogle a picture of her and DD kissing while he dips her. Who has a picture like that of themselves? No one!

DD won’t answer the call he gets from SS. CT comes in to the Poor Gallery Cafe because she’s checking out Brooklyn as DD told her to. He makes her a cappuccino.

HMQ gives B detention for what she did to CT. If B successfully completes detention and the rest of the semester, she’ll get into Yale. If not, she can kiss Yale goodbye.

SL waits outside for B with her dog. B storms out and SL detects war. B is going off the radar and plans to win.

Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 15: Gone With The Will

January 17, 2009Leave a comment

You Know That Uncle That Gets Drunk And Lecherous? Don’t Be That Uncle

Highlights: Evil Uncle Jack becomes creepy; Chuck finds out the consequences of trusting family; Blair’s no one’s wife; the search for the star crossed love child continues

Why is it that SluttySerena can go to Buenos Aires on a fifteen hour flight, break up with UberPretentiousAaron three hours in, dance around shanty towns with old men who don’t speak English but wear fine white hats, and return thinner with a tan while I go to Mexico for a jaunt and come back whiter and chubbier while simultaneously struggling with intestinal rebellion? Oh, that’s right, because she’s rich.

Chuck continues to perfect the art of frowning without moving a facial muscle while EvilUncle perfects his creepiness enough for me to start calling him CreepyUncle. Blair scolds CreepyUncle for being creepy. C comes out of The Palace to meet B and Creepy Uncle when BoringNate suddenly appears to support him in his time of need during the reading of the will. Then, and this is what it looks like to me, go back into The Palace.

Over in very poor Brooklyn, KleptoJenny insists that her dad must be boffing JudgyLily on their excursion—you know, the trip RockinRufus and JL left for while informing only half of their offspring. DownerDan insists otherwise. KJ suggest that DD doesn’t want RR to be with JL because he’s back with SluttySerena. Then he gets a restricted call and stares at the phone.

JL is missing the reading of the will. The will reader asks C if he’s okay with CU being his legal guardian. Casks CU if he can have girls sleep over, CU says sure thing (as long as he can get in on it no doubt), so C is fine with it. All assets are in a trust for C to start blowing on his 18^th birthday. 29 % of Bass Industries remains with the board and 20% is for JL. Then he hands a letter to C who doesn’t want to read it because it’s about his inheritance.

B and BN want C to read the letter but he doesn’t want to because he thinks his father wrote to him about how he sucks. B reads it aloud. It says that he was hard on C and knows how hard being a man is so the majority share of Bass Industries will go to him. CU and C are upset by this. C doesn’t want it because his dad never thought he was worthy while alive. He tells CU he can have it.

SuicidalEric complains to SS while walking down the street in the cold. Don’t they have a car service? Why are they always walking everywhere? He says that KJ keeps showing up whenever he’s out with Jonathan, and SS says she has no other friends. Then they come upon KJ planning a film festival with Jonathan and she loves their matching backpacks.

SS finds DD to tell him that their parents aren’t getting back together so now they can mack it and he doesn’t have to avoid her. DD lies that that was what he was worried about and says that they’re good.

In some orphanage far, far away, RR gets a frantic phone call from DD about how he’s lying to SS and she has a right to know. RandomGirl and the chickadees overhear and want to tell SS. Then they start talking about B behind her back for no apparent reason.

B chases after C to tell him that his father trusts him with the Bass legacy and she knows he can do it; all he needs to do is read the rest of the letter. He walks away, reading. CU creepily stares on through the glass in the door.

In the school courtyard, everyone stares at DD as he walks through. He shakes his head and keeps walking, knowing the feeling of everyone hating him. Again. Or still.

C goes to CU’s office to say he owes him a lot but will be taking over Bass Industries. CU says he will have to turn 18 to do so because it’s not an after school job and he has no experience. C says that he’ll find a place for CU in the company if he wants to stay. CU leaves. C flairs his nostrils, and then takes a seat at his new desk, obviously drunk with power.

CU calls B. Oh, God, he keeps getting creepier! What adult male thinks it’s okay, for any reason, to call up the cell phone of a sixteen year old girl he’s not even related to? He apologizes and wants to make things right because C is his only family. He wants to throw a party for C taking over and B suggests that partying while FatherSlime is dead is tasteless. He really wants to do something nice so he invites himself to dinner with her, C, and their friends, so that he has his pick of the litter, or rather the chickadees in this case.

RR and JL are pissed because the adoption agency is following their rules. RR wants to find his own lawyer and JL tells RR to stop thinking about himself. The agent says he’ll try to get in touch with the family.

B tells SS that GossipGirl is looking for evidence of DD cheating on SS. B says no one would want DD. The chickadees smile, thinking they’re helping. B leaves to get ready for dinner. No one has attended class today.

DD and LongLostVanessa arrive at Dylan’s Candy Store where NelliYuki suddenly appears. DD tells her about RR and JL’s secret. So now LLV knows before KJ, SE, and SS. LLV drops all her candy while NelliYuki steals DD’s phone out of his pocket without either of them realizing it. Seriously. These people need self-defense classes. BE AWARE OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS! Then the mini-chickadees show up and once again confront DD for cheating on SS. They tell LLV that she’s failing upwards by dating BN after DD. He leaves, LLV stays, and NelliYuki remains crouched behind a candy counter with stolen goods in her possession.

CU greets C at home and wants him to reschedule B for dinner. He tells him that Chuck Bass can’t work all day and go home to the wife. Then he opens Door Number 2 to reveal a bunch of whores, ready to go. This is so wrong on so many levels. So. Gross.

LLV finds SS at the Poor Art Gallery to ask if DD has said anything to her about them, admittedly a pathetic inquiry. LLV lies and says she knows nothing. SS knows that DD can keep secrets form her. LLV smiles a smile that says, I’m not telling you anything so go away. Then she texts DD when SS leaves about RR and JL.

At some club, the chickadees praise NelliYuki for stealing DD’s phone. They get the text from LLV and figure out that RR and JL have a love child. They tell NelliYuki that her probation is now a little bit shorter.

Jeez. Now B’s sporting boobs like SS. She gets a text from C that says he’s working late. It simply leaves out the part about the kind of work he’s doing. In a limo. With alcohol. With vaginas. With his uncle. So. Gross.

Over in the world’s most taking-forever-storyline RR gets a call from the adoption agency. He tells JL that the adoptive family doesn’t want to talk to them ever. He brushes JL off and leaves.

SS and B attend a casual setting party in a library where C is supposed to be meeting the members of the board. She gets a text from CU that says they’ve arrived. KJ and DD come in. KJ wants to find SE. DD is using RR’s old cell. He finds SS because he loves brunch and it’s perfect and he thinks it’s crazy he’s here.

CU walks in as B and the attendees sing For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow. No C, though. CU says that C is in the office after a rather rough night. Then the chickadees interrupt to tell B about the Gossip Girl hit for DD’s cheating ways. She gives them the okay to release what they have on him without knowing what it is. Then CU introduces B to the Bass Industries people and she shows them to C’s office.

KJ sits with SE and he tells her that he needs to hang out with Jonathan alone. She’s mad that SE is conceited and wants to hang out with his boyfriend alone. He tells KJ she’s annoying. Thank you, Suicidal Eric! She storms away.

Then everyone gets the Gossip Girl blast, including JK and SE. Then SS flips open her cell. She pouts at it. Then DD reads over her shoulder and pouts, too. No one says anything, though. The chickadees stare and offer fake sympathetic glares. SS leaves.

B opens C’s office door with the big wigs in tow to find C enveloped in whores with pills and cigars strewn across the desk. He’s all slurring and pale. The board members storm out.

Down at brunch, SS blames DD for their parents having a love child. KJ and SE look at each other dismayed.

B returns to the brunch to drink champagne. The board members storms after her. Then C arrives to pull up his pants. He tells the board members that he didn’t know they were going to be there. They don’t understand what his father was thinking and they all leaves. He tells B to stop trying to play wife.

DD follows SS out to say that RR told him that JL wanted to tell SS herself. He tells SS to call JL right away. He says that’s why they’re in Boston. Then SE emerges to ask if it’s true and SS says it is because she found out at the same time he did so she has some authority of course. Then KJ says this is why they fight like siblings. What the? Sharing a sibling doesn’t make them all related. DD wants to get all the facts. SS wants to process this alone.

JL packs in Boston but RR isn’t ready to leave. He wants to write a harassing letter to the family. He says that it works out well since she doesn’t want to meet her son. She says that she’s thought about him every day and she doesn’t want to make more mistakes. He doesn’t want to fail and wants one more day. She says that one more day is excruciating because she’s still in love with RR and she doesn’t want him to hate her forever. He then starts mackin it with her because that’s fairly appropriate right about now.

RR and JL lie in bed together, reminiscing about the old times. His phone rings. He frantically writes down a bunch of information. The adoptive father wants to meet with them without his wife knowing. They’re good at lying and sneaking, so this will work out.

C finds CU eating after the brunch. He wonders how his only family could ruin him. CU says that FatherSlime placed him on the other side of the world and has repaid him by giving the company to his pecker son. CU says that there’s a morality clause that allows the board to replace C with CU so now he’s in charge.

JL and RR meet the adoptive dad in a restaurant. He has something he has to tell them.

SE finds SS in her room to see if she’s okay because him, being the one who most recently attempted suicide between the two of them, is the more level headed.

DD goes to the Poor Art Gallery to find LLV and finds BN there, celebrating his anniversary with LLV. He tells DD he saw the blast and knows what he’s going through. Instead of allowing the sympathy, DD gets all tooly and is like, Really?? You found out your girlfriend shares a sibling you never knew you had? Because DD’s problems are the world’s only problems and no one could possibly relate to his woes. BN found out who his real friends were through his own problems and says that LLV has been talking about DD and then apologizes for kissing KJ. He wants BN to tell LLV he stopped by. Actually, he calls her “V”. Yes, they’ve started calling her V. Ugh.

The adoptive dad starts telling RR and JL a story about sailing. Any story that starts with a boat and is about someone you’ve never met ends in death. Andrew, the love child, was caught in a rip tide. RR and JL are so sorry; if they had known, they wouldn’t have bothered. Had known? They didn’t even think about the possibility. I’m surprised RR isn’t blaming them for killing his son. The dad says that his wife has had a lot of trouble with it and hands them a newspaper clipping. JL asks if he was happy and the dad says that he always smiled. Nice to rub in the pain, JL. How much you wanna bet this dude is lying?

C arrives at B’s with her favorite flowers and an apology. She says that it’s too late and she won’t let him self-destruct. She says he has to blame himself because she and his father believed in him. She’s done. He steps back on the elevator and the doors shut but not before she throws the flowers at his feet for the long trip back down alone.

Over in the Poor House, KJ and DD talk about what they aren’t going to talk about. Then SS and SE arrive. DD babbles quickly about the secret and wanting to tell her. He wants to know if it’s incest to date the sibling of a half-sibling and hopes someone in Russian literature has an answer. SS says that Cher from Clueless dated her step-brother. I’d never thought I’d say this but Thank You, Serena! for putting ToolDownerDan and his too-smart-references to shame.

KJ serves SE a plate of something (waffles?!?!!) and he apologizes first. They talk about getting on each other’s nerves. SS and DD come into the kitchen and want sandwiches. Dangit, not waffles. I guess only RR can make waffles.

Now it’s a musical montage but with funky music! C strips off his tie. The distraught wife finds her husband in the restaurant and asks if it’s over; he says that they’ve lost one son and they can’t lose another. See? I so friggin called that! (You see, the clipping was about their other son and not the RR/JL love child). Plus, for even MORE comedy, the dad says he and his wife have to lie because they have money. Obviously, he does not know that RR is poverty stricken. JL suggests to RR that they’re not meant to be a family as they open the door to the Poor House to see all their offspring there. They immediately join hands and my heart skips a beat because this has got even more chaos written all over it.

Christina M. Rau

The Yoga Poet

Tag: Dan