Ugly, Frigid Blair

Highlights: Blair is ugly; Serena is beautiful; Nate is duped by an old flame; Chuck saves the day and is a bit less slimy; Dan is poor and needs to steal from craft services; NastyMom is the nastiest mom in all the land, and is not the same person she was in the pilot and that’s not a metaphor, it’s literal–it’s a completely different woman

After much white flag waving, Moon River is playing and the rain is gone the next day as Blair is dressed as Tiffany and she sees Serena in a window having tea with the Chickadees attending to her.  Confused?  Me, too.  Until we see that it’s a dream.  Blair’s NastyMom is back from Paris and is giving Serena breakfast as Blair comes downstairs.  Bendel’s is going to carry NastyMom’s line of clothes.  FYI: NastyMom is not the same NastyMom from previous episodes.  No one mentions that this is a completely different woman. I suppose we’re not supposed to notice.

NastyMom tells Blair to eat low fat yogurt.  Blair says she lost two pounds.  NastyMom pays attention to Serena and asks her about style.  Serena says that she and Blair have plans but Blair is not aware of them.

Meanwhile, ChuckSlime and Boring Nate are talking about watches and baseballs.  Then they fall into a boring silence.  Suddenly, their place is filled with young men toasting Ivy Week and some girls.  Chuck says that there’s no outside world and he’s in charge of their lives. 

Carter Basin arrives.  He was a senior when they were in the 8^th grade.  Chuck calls him Matthew Maconahay between movies.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  He scorns any guy who trades in a trust fund to go backpacking. Carter says hi to Nate and Nate gives him a big ol hug.  Aw, Nate’s smitten.

Blair and Serena go shopping and old men leer at them.  Serena insists that they’re staring at both of them but Blair says it’s all Serena and that NastyMom likes Serena more.  Serena says that NastyMom has a difficult time showing love.

While Blair goes inside a store, Serena sees LowlyBoy Dan picking up sandwiches across the street.  She loves NY because you always bump into people you know and she wants to get together.  Blair comes out of the store and tells Dan that he smells like pork and cheese.  She leaves to see ponchos and Poor Dan questions why Serena is talking to her after Blair told everyone about her fake drug problem.  Serena says they’re trying to work things out aloooooone.  Why does she say alone like that?  Then the Shake Your Tamborine song starts playing.

ChuckSlime is jealous that Nate is paying attention to Carter.  Carter is interesting and Nate’s not.  Chuck thinks that Carter’s life is dumb now that he exchanged smoking up for making videos on YouTube and putting product in his hair.  Then Chuck finds two girls to be slimy on.  Nate wants to hang out with Carter instead of going with the girls.  Carter invites him to play cards at a weekly game in Queens which isn’t as poor of a borough as Brooklyn where Dan lives.

NastyMom is trying to find a new face to show off her clothes.  Woman with the curly hair tells her to find a new hip person worthy of the clothes.  Serena and Blair are trying stuff on.  So NastyMom decides to use Blair.  Serena says that Blair would love to.  Blair kinda smiles.  Serena is happier.

Blair, Serena, and the Chickadees practice posing for fashion photos.  Serena’s phone rings and it’s Dan. Humphrey.  Blair tries to hang up, telling Serena she’s doing her a favor.  Dan’s all like, I can hear you, and Blair calls him Cabbage Patch.  Hil. Air. Eee. Us!  Serena gets on the phone and apologizes to him for Blair.  He asks her to go to a movie and she says yes.

At the Poor Art Gallery, some woman can’t stop staring at one of the paintings.  Rockin Rufus says that the artist is in Hudson and he reps her.  The woman didn’t expect a great gallery from a former rock star.  She says she always pursues artists and she wants to put the piece on hold.  He says he’ll stay open for her. 

Boring Nate and ChuckSlime (wearing a funky bunch bball outfit) arrive at the basketball courts with the boys to play.  Chuck is pissed that Carter is there.  Carter says he’ll leave.  Nate is pissed that Carter has to go so soon so he throws the ball at Chuck all mad.

Blair is posing for a photo shoot and the photographer can’t get her to loosen up.  The curly hair woman thinks she looks stunning in the clothes.  Serena overhears and gives Blair pointers on how to loosen up.  As she does so, the photographer and the curly hair woman see Serena being goofy and they decide that Serena would be better because she makes Blair act like a tiger.  Blair is a very uncomfortable and stiff tiger.  Then Serena makes her do Britney with the umbrella and Posh Spice in America.  Okay, now that’s funny.  Serena then has to go meet Dan but Blair says she needs her because she can’t let her mother down.  Serena calls Dan and says she needs to stay with Blair because Blair has more money than he does.  He gets to the box office and tells them that he doesn’t need any tickets because he doesn’t want to see the movie alone so he can conserve money.

Rufus has stayed open so that the woman could come back and buy the painting.  He’s excited.  She asks if it’s his first time.  Selling a painting.  He says that the artist will be pleased because she’s been doing other things.  Like leaving him and sleeping with other men.  The woman asks Rufus to celebrate with a drink and he says that the excited artist is his wife.  She says that he said the artist lives in Hudson.  He says that she does and he doesn’t. She gives him her card in case the trains stop running and he needs a ride to Hudson.

Chuck is conducting a Five Borough Pub Crawl.  Nate doesn’t want to go.  Chuck says that Carter sucks and can’t be trusted.  Nate says that money and drugs are numbing them from the real world.  Chuck explains that everyone in the real world wants to be them.  Not after watching this show.  He asks Nate what he wants exactly.  Nate knows it’s not this but doesn’t know what it is.  Because he’s boring and knows nothing and has none of his own interests.

Rockin Rufus goes home and plays the guitar by himself.  Poor Dan comes home and says that he doesn’t think Serena is worth it because she’s best friends with Blair who encompasses everything he hates about the Upper East Side.  Rufus says that usually people like that have something below the surface that makes them act that way.  Dan thinks she’s a bad reflection on Serena.  Rufus says he dated a girl much like Serena and girls like that are complicated and worth it and you have to jump in with both feet.  He swam until he drowned.  Which is highly motivational.

NastyMom tucks in Blair and tells her that they’ll go to the shoot together.  Blair likes the she’s there and NastyMom calls her beautiful.  Blair says, Really?  And NastyMom walks away without answering because she doesn’t want to lie again.

Serena calls Dan to see how the movie was.  She has a make up plan and invites him to a fashion shoot.  He says it’s a girly thing and Serena says she has to be there to support Blair.  Dan says he’s definitely not going then but Serena says that she’ll buy him anything from craft service because he’s starving and destitute.

The curly hair woman and the photographer arrive at NastyMom’s place to show her pictures of Blair who is too rigid and doesn’t model the clothes well.  They then show her the pictures they took of Serena without Serena knowing it.  They want to use Serena.   They tell NastyMom that it’s up to her—use Ugly Blair or Pretty Serena. 

Blair wakes up and NastyMom gives her the bad news that the photographer wants to use a different model.  She explains that she needs to listen to the experts and apologizes.  Blair says she’s happy she doesn’t have to go because they’re boring.  NastyMom promises dinner afterwards.  Blair calls Serena and leaves a message to tell her that her modeling career is already over but thinks they should crash the shoot to see who replaces her.

Judgy Lily arrives at Rufus’ gallery with her panties in a bunch.  The woman who gave him her card was buying the art for Lily without Lily or Rufus knowing it.  Lily says that his wife would not want the painting in Lily’s living room but Rufus says that his wife is a professional and doesn’t do background checks.  Judgy Lily tells him that his wife despises her.  Rufus says that she doesn’t hold onto that stuff.  Judgy Lily tells him to call her and ask.  She gives back the painting and wants a refund.  She says that the artwork was extraordinary despite the circumstances.

ChuckSlime can’t find his ball.  He texts Nate who’s at the card game with Carter.  Carter tells Nate he can’t use his phone.  Nate wants to leave so he can use his phone and talk to Chuck because he misses him but Carter talks him into staying.

Blair arrives at the shoot and Moon River plays as she sees Serena modeling the clothes.  She calls to Blair to come quick but Blair storms away. Serena asks why she’s mad and Blair says Serena couldn’t deal with the spotlight on her.  Blair asks if it was strange when her name wasn’t on the call sheet. Serena says they told her that Blair wanted her there.  Serena asks why she would steal something that she pushed Blair to do.  Blair says because she steals everything—Nate, NastyMom—it’s who she is.  LowlyDan is in the hallway, over hearing everything.  Blair thought it would be different this time and she runs away, passing by Dan in a huff. 

Serena runs up to the shoot and tells NastyMom she quits.  NastyMom says that Blair will understand and that Serena would love the spotlight. Then when Serena runs away, Dan is left by himself.  NastyMom asks who he is and why he’s there.  He has no clue.  Heehee. Way to be, Dan.

Dan finds Serena changing behind a screen and says he overheard her conversation with Blair.  She tells him she doesn’t want him to speak.  He thought she wanted to be on the sidelines and that he would have her full attention.  Serena tells him to say it.  He says he doesn’t have to. Serena complains that neither her best friend nor the guy she likes believes her. She explains that NastyMom tricked her into coming because she wanted Serena and not Blair and didn’t know how to tell her best friend that.

Blair is sitting on a floor in a dark hallway.  Dan finds her and she tells him he has the cooties.  He takes that as an invitation to sit down and tell her that his mom left them a couple months ago although his dad and sister don’t understand that she left for good.  He wants to tell his mom to come home or leave for good but he can’t say anything because not only is he poor, but he’s a pussy.  He wishes he had said something so that she would know how he felt.  Blair stares at  him. How did that help anything?

Carter is trying to get Nate to give him money at the poker game.  He wants Nate to take risks so he’s not boring any more.  Nate has a pair of sixes and loses to a guy with three aces.  Nate explains that it’ll take him a little while to get the money and Carter tells him to snap his fingers.  Nate grabs Carter’s shirt and asks if he’s in with the guys.  Carter totally duped him.  He threatens to tell everyone where Nate lives.  Chuck arrives and threatens to call the cops and be slimy all over everyone.  He drags Nate away. 

Nate thanks him and tries to transfer money to Chuck.  The account is zeroed out even though the month before there was 200grand in it.  He tells his trust guy that there’s an error but the account was drained weeks ago by Captain Hook.

Blair returns to the shoot and NastyMom offers her the job back.  Blair asks if she chose Serena over her.  NastyMom says it was all mishandled and tries to manipulate Blair into forgiving her.  She explains that if she had lost the Bendle account because of Blair, she would have never forgiven either of them.  Because a mother’s love IS conditional.

Dan arrives on the rooftop with a plate of grapes from craft services for Serena because it’s free.  Serena asks him out again and he jokes that it’s never gonna happen.  He suggests Friday at 8 and Blair arrives just in time to insult Dan’s shoes and hair.  He leaves after Serena oddly kisses his cheek.  Serena tells Blair she was right and should have known better and shouldn’t have pushed Blair into it.  Blair’s happy because she saw her mom’s true colors. They hug it out. 

Serena drags Blair into the dressing room to steal the clothes away from NastyMom and ruin the shoot.  They change into the dresses and take pictures in them all over the city.  Serena’s are much prettier than Blair’s of course.  They make tourists take their pictures.  They hold hands and frolic down the streets of Manhattan in the midday sun.