Pedophilia and A Real Good Duck

Highlights: Blair makes good; Lily makes judgments; Jenny renounces her name; Nate is off being boring somewhere else while Chuck is off being all rapy

In case you haven’t noticed, every single episode starts off with a quick flashback to the pilot and everything that’s happened since.  How do they cram it into those quick thirty seconds?  It’s magic!

Blair is getting ready for her annual decadent sleepover that’s filled with trundle beds, truffles, pjs, nail polish, cookies, and grapes.  Lowly servants hustle to and fro as Blair walks around with her clipboard.  I wonder if it’s anything like Danny Tanner’s Clipboard of Fun.

Speaking of lowly servants, Dan arrives at Rockin Rufus’ Art Gallery For The Needy with a bag of pennies from his piggy bank that he plans to use on his date with Serena.  He’s not going to take Serena to a movie. Instead, he’s going to make a perfect date.  Then Dan scolds his dad for not telling his mom about the first sale of her art.  Rufus plans on going to Hudson to tell her in person because he’s got high hopes.  First off, didn’t that sale not go through because the sale was to Judgy Lily and she brought it back?  Secondly, if he goes to Hudson, is he going to get Judgy Lily’s assistant to drive him there if the trains have stopped running?  Anyway, Rufus seeks awkward advice inappropriately from his son who basically tells him to get over it.  Then he says clown and llama which makes me happy.

At school, Serena finds Poor Jen to see if she knows anything about what Dan’s planning for their date.  Serena is very excited to be going to Brooklyn and slumming it for a night.  Jen tells her to wear jeans and a t-shirt because the Humphreys are poor.

Eric calls from the center and tells Serena that he’s happy he’s coming home for the weekend.  They can’t wait to see each other.

Blair overhears that Eric’s coming home and she’s excited that he can bond with Lily while Serena’s at the sleepover.  Serena tells Blair that she can’t go but Blair says that nothing else is more important than a Blair Waldorf soiree and is a destination. Blair blows Serena off by looking at the waiting list.  She tells Jenny that she’s coming to the sleepover and she has to be up for more than sleeping.  I wonder if ChuckSlime is coming over to rape some of them.

Over at the center, Eric yells at  Judgy Lily who needs time to think about Eric coming home for the weekend.  Lily says he’s not ready to come home.  Eric slaps her hand away.  He will not be touched by judgment.

Dan arrives dressed in a suit and tie from the 70s and Serena has to go change out of her t-shirt and jeans to get dressier because she thought she was going to slum it but now she’s not and Jenny gave her bad advice.  She changes while Dan peeks through the door to watch.  Bow chicka bow wow.  Judgy Lily is surprised to see Dan there because he’s so out of his poor element.  He tells Lily that he’s taking Serena to the underground and then talks about his nervous talking tick and his mother.  Dan says he likes Serena. 

Serena finally emerges and Judgy Lily makes her take a black purse because she won’t have her daughter seen in public with a bag that doesn’t match her outfit.  Which is a dress the size of Guam.  She asks where Eric is and Lily says he was too tired to come home and then Lily ends the conversation.  Serena gets over it pretty quickly and skips off on her date.

A Vespa is parked outside and Serena squeals and climbs on.  Then Dan shows her the car he has for them.  The Vespa isn’t theirs.  Serena almost committed grand theft auto.

Jenny arrives at Blair’s party with her sleeping bag that she totally doesn’t need because Blair has beds all set up.  Blair acts like she’s all happy that Jenny’s there and the girls want the games to begin. 

Dan and Serena sit awkwardly at a very expensive restaurant and Dan asks the waiter about everything on the menu.  Serena orders expensive stuff from the expensive menu at the expensive restaurant.  He says he goes there for the crowd and Serena goes to the bathroom.  Then Dan asks the waiter how much Serena’s meal is and the waiter says it’s way too expensive for Dan and Dan decides to starve.

Jenny tries on clothes at the party and Blair insults everything she puts on.  Blair chooses the outfit that Jenny is least comfortable in.  Then the girls all drink martinis.  Peer pressure!  Blair makes fun of Jenny’s metro card and so Jenny gulps down the drink.  Then Blair wants to play Truth Or Dare which means the girls all have to pretend to be lesbians.  Or maybe the Chickadees are already lesbians.

Rockin Rufus calls his wife in Hudson and some guy answers the phone.  Rufus hangs up.  Then he calls right back and says he has the wrong number.  The guy asks he called a second ago and asked who he’s trying to reach.  Rufus asks for Alison Humphrey and the guy says she’s getting out of the shower and he’s her friend.  Rufus says he’s her friend too and hangs up on her because that’s what friends do.

Serena tells Dan that his entrée was too small and she doesn’t want dessert.  Dan asks for the check and Serena has already charged it. Dan says he can pay because he has a big bag of pennies.  Serena complains that he set up a date that she didn’t want.  Dan takes off his tie to become poor again and promises to give Serena a real Humphrey date.

Jen is still swallowing her martinis when she gets a picture message from Eric who says he’s in prison.  Blair sends the Chickadees to a club and then dares Jenny to break Eric out of the center.  The next thing you know, Jenny shows up at the center in Eric’s room.  Great security they’ve got there.  Meanwhile, Blair is helping Jenny, pretending to be a drug addict to distract the nurse.  Eric gets dressed as Blair comes in.  Eric is surprised but Blair says that she owed him. 

Judgy Lily gets a phone call saying that Eric is missing.  He was with a young, blonde, beautiful girl and she thinks he’s with Serena.  She calls Serena’s phone but hears it ringing because the phone is in the living room in the ugly bag she wouldn’t let Serena take on her date.

Serena slums it up with Dan in a pool hall where he’s won 70 bucks.  He gives it to her to pay for the duck at dinner.  She wants to play now.

Rufus gets a call from Judgy Lily and she wants Dan’s cell number so she can date him.  She tells Rufus that Eric is missing and Rufus won’t give it to her.  Lily won’t tell him about Eric being in the center because she doesn’t want to be judged by her son’s attempted suicide so Rufus doesn’t understand why Lily is so upset.  He hangs up without helping her.

Blair arrives at a club with Jenny, Eric, and the Chickadees.  Jen dares Blair to make out with some guy and mean it.  Blair goes up to the guy and makes out with him.  His friends cheer and one of them says he hopes Amanda doesn’t find out.  Amanda is his girlfriend.  Blair steals the guy’s phone and tells Jenny to call Amanda.  She says done and done.  Jenny gets her Blair on and calls the girlfriend to say that she stuck her tongue down the boyfriend’s throat.   They all toast and giggle, except for Eric who sits there awkwardly.

Dan wins the game of pool and Serena wants him to teach her how to play for real.  He does the whole stand behind the girl and not cop a feel but really cop a feel thing.  She misses the shot.  Her song comes on the juke box.  It’s Ozzy’s Mama I’m Coming Home.  Awesome song but before her time, no?  They almost kiss but she notices something vibrating in his pocket.  It’s Rufus.  Cockblock.  Dan tells Serena that they have to change plans but Serena likes this plan with pool sticks and copping a feel.  He tells her to call her brother.

Judgy Lily arrives at Rufus’ poor apartment and none of her people know his people and his son isn’t popular.  Rufus tells her that he called Dan and Eric isn’t with them but Serena found Eric on the phone.  Lily scolds him for not calling her.  He tells her to sit on the poor couch and wait in the poor apartment.  Lily tells him that she wants something to eat because she wants to try something from the food kitchen.

Dan and Serena arrive at the club when some blonde chick walks in and asks Serena if she’s her.  Okay then.  The blonde starts a fight with the guy who Blair kissed and he storms over to Blair to ask where his phone is.  The girl comes over and says she’s going to kill Blair and Blair asks if she’s Amanda because if she is, she shouldn’t marry the guy because the guy is a pig.  There’s a little pushing and shoving and Serena yells back off and Blair tells Serena she doesn’t need her to defend her.  Jen tells Amanda that she called, not Blair, and Dan finally recognizes his sister and is skeeved that she used tongue.  The boyfriend says he made out with Blair, not Jen, and Blair throws up in her mouth a little.  Blair says it was a dare.  Amanda asks if they’re children and Dan says that Jenny’s fourteen.  The boyfriend says he had no idea because look at her.  They look like they’re in high school.  Dan scolds Jenny for wearing a napkin and the guy agrees which makes Dan go into Defensive Dan mode and try to fight with the guy.  Security grabs Dan and hauls him out because he’s poor and the other guy isn’t.  Serena and Dan take Eric and Jen out with them. 

Judgy Lily and Rufus cook sauce in the poor kitchen.  I bet he doesn’t have truffle oil.  She says that life is complicated when you have kids, as if he doesn’t have any.  She talks about walls going up which is kinda rude considering Rufus lives in a loft with no walls but a garage door.  To make up for it, she reveals that Eric is lonely and is staying at the Ostroff center for attempted suicide.  Rufus says sorry and JudgyLily doesn’t know what to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.  The phone rings and Rufus is happy that Dan found Eric.  Lily decides to stay and eat and then go meet up with the kids.

Serena yells at Blair for taking Eric out to a bar.  Eric says that he left on his own free will.  Serena tells him he’s in trouble and he says it’s worth it to be out after dark to talk to someone other than family even if it is Blair.  Nice one, Eric.  Serena apologizes and says she’ll work on mom.  She suggests they walk so that they don’t have to rush.  Blair tells Eric to call her.  Bow chicka bow wow.

Dan tells Jenny that this is not who she is.  She apologizes for things getting out of hand but she knows who she is and wants to hang out with Blair.  Jenny promises she’ll be tucked in bed soon.  Dan lets her go.  Serena tells Dan that they’ll call it a night but he insists on walking with them.

Truth Or Dare is still going on.  Blair dares Jenny to steal a jacket from a mannequin in NastyMom’s store.  Jenny unlocks the door and climbs into the window and takes the jacket.  Blair counts down from five to one and the girls run off as the alarm starts.  Jenny can’t get out of the store even though she has the key.  Because not only is she poor, but she’s dumb.

Lily finds a picture in Rufus’ apartment and starts to reminisce about his band.  He used to sing songs about Lily and his motorcycle, in that order.  Also, about a surf fisherman town where there was a villa where she took pictures.  She decided to social climb instead of taking more pictures and he remembers her wearing a blue dress.  The phone rings and Rufus tells her to pick it up.  Lily says, Hi Alison, It’s Lily!  She hands the phone to Rufus and Alison hangs up the phone.  Lily says that her job is done there and thanks Rufus for being a good friend on the poor side of town.  He says it was almost fun but since Lily is not fun at all, it wasn’t.

The cops are drilling Jenny with questions.  She lies and says that she’s Blair and this is her mother’s store and her mom is in Paris and her mom is going to be angry with her.  Jenny shows them the key that didn’t get her out of the store but she says they can watch her lock up.  They believe her because she’s pretending to be rich.

Lowly Boy and Serena have dropped Eric off and they discuss how Eric and Jenny are good kids.  Dan is upset that Jenny wears make up and high heels and hangs out with drunk Wall Street guys.  Serena says it’s okay for Jenny to be friends with people she goes to school with.  Dan says that he doesn’t want to make friends.  Serena tells him he should kiss her.  He does and it’s sweet and not very poor at all. 

Meanwhile, Rufus listens to his own album and thinks back to the good old days.

Judgy Lily arrives at the center which now has 24 hour visiting hours.  She tells Eric that he needs to come home to sleep in his own bed.  He’s happy he didn’t unpack. 

Jenny arrives at Blair’s house wearing the jacket from the store and throws the keys at Blair.  Blair is shocked and offers Jenny a bed.  Jen says she’s going home and thanks Blair for inviting her.  Blair says no one goes home.  Jen says there’s a first for everything and she’s keeping the jacket and they’ll have lunch on the steps on Monday.  Blair says done and done and Jenny stands all smug in the elevator with her hair perfect.

Serena and Dan are still making out as they walk along the cobbled streets of the city all smitten and in love.