Gossip Girl, Season 1, Episode 9: Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Binging, Purging, and Other Fun Words That Refer To Relationships And Digestion

Highlights: Capt mixes up and falls down; Rufus, Lily, and Alison get into a threeway they can’t get out of; Eric reappears; Blair eats an entire pie in one sitting because NastyMom tells her to choose a dessert and stare at it but not eat it because Blair is a fatty

Things to be thankful for this year: Gossip Girl.  Thank heavens for quality programming.  This week, we celebrate Thanksgiving with the Upper East Siders.  Contrary to tradition of the lowly people, the Upper East Siders thank themselves and each other for being rich and wonderful and judgy.


Serena is wasted and falling out of a bar with Blair reprimanding her for being drunk on a holiday.  These handy dandy super comic book graphics fly by on the screen in big yellow font telling us that this is Thanksgiving Last Year.  Hence the cloudy scene.  Blair complains that their moms are freaking out and Serena wants to do shots.  Serena can’t find her purse.  Blair goes inside to find Serena’s phone and Lowly Dan Humphrey throws pies across the street and jumps in front of a cab that’s about to hit Serena.  She sees the pie on the ground and laments the loss.  Dan introduces himself and tells her they met last year and tells her to be careful.  Blair comes out and yells at Dan for trying to take advantage.  Serena says, Bye Dave!  Hahahahahahaaaaaa.


Current day: Serena calls Lowly Boyfriend Dan from her cab on her way to Blair’s, whose dad is coming home for the holidays.  Dan says his mom is celebrating with them.  In the kitchen, the Humphreys scrape together a meal that has nothing to do with waffles for once.  Dan says he will take the cranberry sauce out of the can.


Serena gets to Blair’s and Blair is all giddy because her dad’s coming home.  Serena asks if she got back with Nate and then asks what ChuckSlime is doing.  Serena reminds Blair that she can’t judge anyone and Blair says it’s for good reason.  Serena admits to seeing Blair mackin it with Chuck.  Blair didn’t know what she was thinking and Serena scolds her for sleeping with him.  Blair says she’s not a slut and doesn’t like Chuck’s natural musk.  Blair says that nothing hurts more than sleeping with a best friend and asks if Serena’s jealous that she didn’t get him first.  NastyMom scolds Blair for not helping and Serena storms out, uninvited.


Eric’s back from the deep!  He, Judgy Lily, and Serena patrol Chinatown to find something to eat since Serena got them uninvited from NastyMom’s dinner.  Judgy Lily says there’s nothing wrong with having Chinese food because the Jews do it on Christmas and then she finds a pumpkin.  Dan calls from the Lowly House and is proud that he opened the cranberry sauce.


Sidenote:  Cranberry sauce?  It’s unnatural.  How can we call it sauce when it’s more like Jell-o?  And it morphs to the can so it has ridges in it.  Yuck.


LowlyDan asks how Blair’s is and Serena says that Blair kicked them out but Lily is slicing up a pumpkin and they’re eating duck.  Dan says that he’s the guardian of Vanessa and he has a big table.  Serena says that Dan invited them over so they have to go.  Eric says it’s awesome and Lily says, Ha ha hmmm.  That sounds like a Nate response.


Thanksgiving Last Year, Serena tried to make Blair eat potatoes from a very large spoon and Blair tells her dad that Serena’s eating with them.  NastyMom comes in with canapés and Blair says she’s not hungry because she ate some before.  NastyMom disapproves of Blair eating anything ever.  A male model is coming to dinner as well and NastyMom says that the model is off limits.  Nate comes in and Blair’s dad calls him Nate The Great, showing how much Blair’s dad knows nothing about Boring Nate.  They tell Nate to take Serena upstairs to put her in the bathtub.


Current day: Blair complains to NastyMom that Daddy isn’t there yet.  NastyMom tells her that he decided to stay in Paris.  Blair doesn’t understand why he didn’t call Blair to tell her himself.  NastyMom tells Blair to change into a prettier dress. 


JudgyLily says she doesn’t feel well or have an appetite so she’s going to stay and the hotel/home.  Room service arrives and she’s caught in a lie.  She doesn’t want to be an imposition and Dan arrives with Vanessa’s van but not Vanessa and Dan mocks her sweatsuit and her Nicholas Sparks book.  The kids make Lily change and they judge her for once.  She goes to change and calls Rufus to warn him that Dan is adult-napping her and to remind him that she wants to keep their friendliness a secret.


Meanwhile, Blair is changing and complaining to the maid that her dad didn’t call.  The  maid tells her to call papa to get the real story.  Blair’s hair is fabulous!  Man, I want my hair to look like that.


The Boring Family has a boring dinner and Boring Mom complains that she’s being shunned by society.  Boring Nate is angry.  Capt tells him not to fight the Capt’s fight.  Because now Capt is taking responsibility for once.  Nate leaves.


Dan arrives with the van der Woodsen’s in tow and introduces Judgy Lily to Alison and Rufus looks on uncomfortably as Lily says Happy Thanksgiving!  They all pretend to meet for the first time.


Thanksgiving Last Year, Alison scolds Dan for throwing pies on the floor.  Jenny makes fun of him for stalking the blonde at school, meaning Serena.  Then Alison says that Rufus liked them dangerous too and Dan says he didn’t know that Alison was dangerous.  She says she’s not; that another girl was.  Meaning Lily.


Present Day: Alison shoots daggers from her eyes into Lily who wants to put the coats in Dan’s room.  Alison takes them anyway and Rufus starts giving out orders to the children.  Judgy Lily apologizes because she didn’t know that Alison was back and she says she called.  Rufus didn’t hear the phone.  Alison says it’s fine because the holiday is about sharing.  Lily says she doesn’t want to share their past with the children because, although Lily judges, she knows what is and what is not appropriate to share with the kids.  Rufus says to grab the mashed and both women go for it.  Two women after one man’s potatoes.  Now that’s the rocker lifestyle.


Blair’s house is full of lots of people not related to her, including the curly haired woman from the photo shoot.  NastyMom asks what’s wrong with her and Blair asks if she called Daddy to tell him that Blair didn’t want him around.  Blair says that NastyMom had no right to do that and says that Daddy left NastyMom, not Blair.  NastyMom wants to discuss it later.  She tells Blair to eat or leave.  Blair says she’s not hungry.  NastyMom says that she sent Daddy’s pumpkin pie to the doorman and tells Blair to choose an amazing dessert.  She picks up a huge pie and brings it into the kitchen.  She paces until the wait staff leaves.  And then?  Blair goes to town on the pie.  She shoves overloaded forkfuls into her mouth until it’s gone. Then she stares at her reflection in the oven.


Over at the Humphrey Poor House, Alison finds subtle ways to cut Judgy Lily down.  Serena gets a phone call she has to take and then she has to leave.  Judgy Lily calls her a good friend and says that Serena has to leave.  Alison asks if Lily would like to go with her and Serena says she should stay.  Jenny keeps asking about Lily’s ranch and she says she had a horse named Rosewood.  No way—Rufus has a song called Rosewood.  Rufus says, not that rosewood.  Awwwkkkkwwwaaaarrrrrdddd.  Jenny says it’s about her mom because Alison used to wear perfume with rose and wood in the name of it.  Then they fall into a silent awkward pause and Dan says, Raise your hand if you’re over thirty and acting weird.  Okay, that was funny.


Lily apologizes to Alison and says she never told Rufus about the horse.  Dan and Eric ask if they know each other.  Rockin Rufus says they knew each other a long time ago.  Jenny’s all, know each other how?  Dan is all, Omigod, and Alison needs air and wants no one to follow her.  Dan tells Rufus he has a lot of explaining to do and follows his mom anyway.  Jenny asks to be excused and Eric just ups and leaves.  Leaving Lily and Rufus alone at the table.  Bow chicka bow wow.


Thanksgiving Last Year: Nate takes Serena into the bathroom and tells her she smells like the floor of a brewery. He takes off her shoes and Serena sprays him with water and calls him and ass tray.  He tells Serena to stop and wants to know what’s wrong with her.  But then he sprays her.  Blair runs in and asks what they’re doing.  They spray her with the water and they all laugh and it’s a very, very good time for all because water is fun.


Current day: Boring Nate sits on a park bench and looks at Blair’s name on his phone.  Then he looks at Serena’s name.  Then he doesn’t call anyone.  And that’s the whole scene.  Yeah, I know.


Serena arrives at Blair’s bathroom, where Blair is crying on the floor.  Blair didn’t mean to eat the pie.   Serena didn’t see her dad and Blair says it’s NastyMom’s fault.  Serena wants Blair to leave with her to a saner place.  Blair says any place would qualify. 


Lowly Dan walks with Alison in the park and calls her a bad ass because she threatened Lily in their younger days.  Alison became an artist instead of beating her up.  Dan asks what was so bad about Judgy Lily aside from her judgment.  Alison says that Lily was Rufus’ first love and Lily liked to remind her of that.


Lily is still at Rufus’ house and she blames him for letting her come over and asks if this is how he thinks she deserved to find out about Alison being back.  Rufus says that they haven’t defined what they are to each other.  He says these past few weeks have been.  He doesn’t finish the sentence because he shouldn’t because he’s not a rocker any more. Rufus says they should be friends and Lily says that she didn’t feel like his friend when he kissed her at the party.  In walks Alison, overhearing everything.  Perfect timing.


The Boring House gets a little less boring when Nate returns to find Capt sprawled out unconscious on the floor.  He yells for Boring Mom to call 911.


Thanksgiving Last Year: Nate and Blair walk Serena down to dinner and Blair’s dad hits on Serena and Nate and asks Blair to help with the potatoes.  Capt is on the phone with the Dutch company and leaves to do business despite Boring Nate and Boring Mom telling him that it’s Thanksgiving.  He loses his appetite and leaves anyway to do business.


Current day: Nate gives his mom some coffee and says that his father has headaches and forgot he took a Vicoden and drank whiskey.  Nate tells her that Capt took pills to cure thirty headaches and she refuses to be blamed.  She says that her father gave them everything and Capt never earned a dime and couldn’t manage to put on a suit and not be arrested.  Nate doesn’t know the answer but doesn’t want to go on like this.  The nurse tells them that Capt is awake and Boring Mom wants to see how he is but Nate doesn’t let her.  He goes instead while she drinks her coffee.


Meanwhile, Rufus and Alison are bickering about how he did or did not make out with Lily at the party.  Blair and Serena walk in and notice a slight change in the vibe.  Eric, Jenny, and Dan are hiding in Jenny’s/Dan’s room and they tell Serena that Rufus and Lily dated but none of them are related except for maybe Eric who has dark roots.  Blair points out that it’s really weird that there’s a garage door in the middle of the room.  Thank you, Blair!  Finally someone says it out loud.  Then she spots Cedric, Dan’s Cabbage Patch doll.  Dan says that their parents have had sex.  Lily was a groupie and Rufus was almost famous.  Serena wants to leave and go somewhere to eat.


Alison tells Rufus that emotional affairs are bad and Lily says they’re good and Alison says Lily has been divorced a lot.  She wants Rufus to never talk to Lily again.  She tells him to make a choice—rich or poor? 


The kids go to a restaurant to eat and dish about Lily and Rufus and their sex lives and appetites.  They all agree that it’s a gross topic.  Judgy Lily arrives to eat French fries.  Lowly Dan and Jenny decide to leave as does Blair.  Lily wipes the seat before she sits down and Serena tells her that she was in a dirty place as a groupie.  Lily says she was on the turnpike with Jane’s Addiction once.


Dan and Jenny take a cab home and practically break the bank doing so.  Jenny and Dan think it’s weird that their parents have had lives before them.  Rufus and Alison come outside and want to play football.  Jenny makes fun of Dan’s girly throw.  Dan tells Rufus not telling him about Serena’s mom was uncool and Rufus caused him a major setback.  Rufus says not to expect Lily over for dinner again any time soon. 


NastyMom was worried that Blair had disappeared and she knows she shouldn’t have lied about Daddy.  She shows Blair the divorce papers she got from Daddy and Blair points out that he’s living in Europe with a man and she shouldn’t be surprised he wants a divorce.  NastyMom says that the holidays used to be the happiest time and doesn’t want Blair to choose between them because NastyMom would lose.  Blair hugs NastyMom to make it all better. 


Boring Nate stays by Capt until he wakes up.  Capt asks how Boring Mom is.  Nate says they’re all gonna be okay.  Capt says he forgot he took the Vicoden when he downed the whiskey but Nate says he’s lying and he thought Capt was dead.  Capt apologizes for not being dead and Nate tells him that they need him. 


Thanksgiving Last Year: Daddy gives Nate leftovers and Blair and Nate mack it before he leaves Blair’s house.  Judgy Lily arrives to pick up Serena who’s passed out.


Present Day: Lily eats some fries and Eric and Serena laugh and chat with their mom.


Last year, Eric’s hair was black.  This year, he’s got blonde highlights.


Last year, Blair and her mom and dad were all so happy.  This year, they split some more cookies because Blair hasn’t had enough sugar.


Last year, Jenny asked Dan to pass the potatoes and Rufus tells him he’s slow because he thinks too much about his dream girl.  This year, the Humphreys play football and roll around on the ground together in a huddle of molestation.  Incest is always something to be thankful for.


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