I’m Bored And Now You’ve Ruined My Pants

Highlights: KleptoJenny quits slave labor to star in kiddie porn; SluttySerena makes DownerDan give advice in the name of friendship; ChuckSlime and Blair play until someone gets hurt; BoringNate creates a love triangle for the ages

Blair is masturbating.  How’s that for an opening scene?  I know I commented that her Hamptons tan was fabulous, but now it’s irking me.  We’re close to Halloween; that tan needs to fade and the highlights need to fade to black.  Servant Lady warns her that God is watching her, even when she masturbates.  B says she needs to finish something, that something being masturbating.

KleptoJenny is rushing around the Poor House on her cell phone, acting all important.  Her hair is now shaggy short except for the long bangs that act as a blindfold.  She’s got on uber-dark eyeliner and she’s become a psuedo-punk girl.  Or is she emo?  No, I think she’d need a different kind of hat.  RockinRufus and DownerDan make fun of her for being so busy.  RR asks DD to help out with LongLostVanessa at the gallery for an art opening.  DD has no soccer practice so sure he can help.  His presence might also ward off a little longer the impending bow chicka bow wow moment between LLV and RR that’s inevitable.

KJ rushes to find her homework (for whom?  for what?  isn’t RR her teacher since she’s home-schooled?  or maybe LLV is.)  KJ’s so busy that she’s almost forgotten to pee!  She runs for the bathroom and DownerDan can barely contain himself as he yells, Nate My Boyfriend!  Okay, he doesn’t yell the boyfriend part, but it’s certainly implied.

KJ runs into BoringNate at the bathroom door.  He’s shirtless. As in he’s not wearing a shirt.  As in he has no shirt on. I should really move on from this, but I can’t.  He has a hair dickey.  Okay, I’ll stop.  He asks if she’s changed her hair.  She decides to pee at work.  That’s what happens when a girl lives in a house of males; she hasn’t learned that holding in her pee can cause a massive UTI.  Tsk tsk, Rockin Rufus.  Get that girl some maternal nurturing.

Blair’s walking to school (doesn’t she have a limo?) and ChuckSlime pulls up in his limo to offer her a ride.  He insists that she get in and she finally gives in.  He locks the doors and wants her to say those three words.  She says, I hate you, and he drives away.

NastyMom is having problems with the buyers at the sweatshop.  The model KJ is dressing, Agnes, recognizes the top of her head and compliments her on her designs (KJ dyed her hair—how can this girl recognize her by that?).  KJ recognizes the model’s feet.  NM doesn’t let KJ sit in on the buyer meeting even though she said she could before.  KJ sighs as only an emo-pseudo-punk teen girl can.  BN arrives so he can give her a book she forgot at home and he leaves and Agnes the Model says that BN is totally into KJ.  KJ thinks BN thinks of her as a little sister, and Agnes finally points out what always happens on shows like these—incest. 

SluttySerena and DD are now friends again since they met on BN’s doorstep and had their heart-to-heart where DD was so wise, so they meet up in the courtyard and yet again decide they want to try to be friends.  Since when are the courtyard scenes shot inside?  Blair shows up and DD says he’ll leave, which Blair wants because she thinks any friendship with him is doomed anyway.  SS insists he stays to help figure out ChuckSlime from a guy’s perspective. 

Blair says she can’t get CS to sleep with her.  DD asks, You want him to sleep with you? in the way only Dan can.  Blair picks up the judgment in his voice and SS insists he’s working on it.  He apologizes and suggests that she lies, saying she loves CS to get him to sleep with her.  She says if she says it, he’ll win. Then DD points out that even though he’s devious, he’s still a boy, and CS won’t be able to resist her if she’s always around. 

NastyMom apologizes to KleptoJenny for not letting her in the meeting.  She explains that she has nothing to show to the buyers for next season.  The buyer from Bloomingdale’s loved the dress KJ is wearing and NastyMom wants to show the buyers from Barney’s and Bendel’s what KJ is wearing.  KJ think she’ll be allowed in on the meetings if she remakes the dress and says it’s NastyMom’s design. 

Blair appears on CS’s carhood with her skirt jacked up around her crotch, showing off a strappy garter.  She wants to go for a drink, and he decides to take her garters to the bar.  I realize, I’m smiling way too much this episode already.  Man, I’m so fourteen.  Blair says she wants to change her signature scent and gets CS to smell her neck.  He says it smells like desperation.  She sips her drink and toasts to friendship.  Then she pours her drink on his crotch, pretending it’s an accident, and wipes his crotch feverishly.  He responds by saying he’s bored with her efforts and now his pants are ruined.

SluttySerena arrives at the Poor Gallery and asks the artist where DownerDan is.  He’s off in the Poor Cafe with Long Lost Vanessa.  The artist, Aaron, asks her to look at his stenciled blurb on the wall and she jokes that things are spelled incorrectly (because she loves tutors—no, no, really, I realize that when she said that at the dean’s house to Blair, she meant The Tudors, the show, and not her tutor because she doesn’t have one—moving on).  She introduces herself and he takes off his glasses.  Man, SS is gonna go slumming again with one of those broody moody types. 

LLV tells DD that RR is stressing and has an eye twitch.  DD’s cell rings and LLV sees that it’s Blair calling.  B tells DD that she was humiliated by ChuckSlime because he didn’t even get it up when she was rubbing his crotch.  She laments she didn’t show him the nape of her neck because that’s CS’s weak spot.  DD insists she remain stalkerish and go to SS’s house to intercept CS on the way to his bedroom.

DD hears SS’s laugh from the other room because it’s bugged with microphones.  Aaron asks her to come to the show.  DD comes in to take her to dinner.  Aaron tells them to have fun on their date.  Ooh, no way!  I know that line.  I INVENTED that line.  Smooth move.  He finds out that it’s not a date.  DD explains that they used to date and now they’re friends.  Heehee—that’s what Jerry did on that one episode of Seinfeld when a bunch of different guys didn’t believe that he and Elaine ever dated.  Only here, Dan’s more loserish and judgmental. 

Across town at a bar, KJ, who’s like 15, is hanging with Agnes.  They switch clothes so because Agnes has been coveting KJ’s dress.  Ooh, now it’s official.  KJ’s wearing Agnes’s hat, and that hat is an official emo hat.  Max, Anges’s friend shows up and he’s all suave and hipster chic.

SS and DD are walking around with coffee.  B keeps texting SS to ask about candles and to say that seducing CS will be easy.  DD sighs haughtily but says that the texts from B aren’t annoying at all.   At least SS is finally acting like a teenager and texting every two seconds.

ChuckSlime comes home and before going into his room, has a creepy reason to go into SS’s room.  That doesn’t make any sense.  There was nothing about that room that would make him go in unless he was trying to find SS.  Anyway, he asks B what she’s doing and she says that SS knew she was upset and invited her to stay over.  And light candles apparently.  B puts her hair up and keeps her back turned so CS can see her nape.  That’s it.  He’s done for.  He undoes her dress, He doesn’t care if she doesn’t say she loves him.  They start mackin’ it and her text alert goes off.  At first they ignore it but then they both dive for it.  CS gets it and reads SS’s “U R so bad” as a response to B’s “this is gonna be EZ” and he tells B she almost had him and walks out.  Oooh, even I’ve got blue balls from that.

Over in the hipster bar, CreepyMax is taking creepy Fiona Apple Music Video pictures.  KJ needs to go home and do slave labor but CM and Agnes want her to sleep when she’s dead and meet the stylists they know.  KJ turns to get her bag and Agnes and CM have left already.  KJ needs the dress for the pattern so she runs after the taxi and calls Agnes’s phone that goes straight to voicemail even though it was just on for her to get the call from the stylist friends.

Agnes shows up at the sweatshop the next day to persuade KJ with the almost-kiddie-porn pictures from the night before to start her own clothing line.

SS and Blair show up at the Poor Gallery and Poor Cafe.  SS finds Aaron to help and he asks if she can weld.  She says she saw Flashdance, which would so totally explain the single off-the-shoulder shirt she’s wearing!

DD meanwhile figures out that B loves ChuckSlime.  He says that he felt exposed when he told SS he loved her but it was the greatest moment when she said it back.  B thinks that CS wins if she says it and she’ll be simply another girl.  DD suggests she take a risk to have everything.

KJ hands in the dress to NastyMom and NM tells her she looks like hell and should go home.  KJ wants to meet the buyers and NM says the dress is a mess.  She saw the pictures from the night before and knows that KJ wasn’t slaving all night as she should have been.  NM tells her to accept real responsibility and should’ve known better than to rely on a child.  KJ insists that NM is scared that the buyers want to go into business with KJ.  KJ wants to take her dress.  NM hands her the one she made the night before.  KJ means the green tutu dress from the fashion show.  NM warns that if she takes the green dress, she can’t do slave labor in the sweatshop.  KJ does what she does best and steals the dress back.

B finds herself alone on her bed.  She text ChuckSlime that he wins and he should show up to date rape her.

RockinRufus is happy about the opening at the gallery because it’s so successful.  DD points out that SS has shown up with B.  RR says it’s the second time “that girl” has shown up and wonders if DD is dating her now.  DD says he’s only tolerating B and it’s for the sake of remaining friends with SS.   DD asks why B isn’t with CS and she says she needs a drink because she’s freaking out.

LLV is pissed at DD because he invited B to her opening.  HER opening?  What the?  DD says that SS invited B, not him.  LLV is pissed because she was recently the pawn in the latest Chuck Bass and Blair Evil Variety Hour and CS came out looking more innocent and rueful than B did.  DD had no knowledge of this because, well, because LLV never actually told him because she was humiliated but since he’s DD he should pick up on these types of humiliating vibes.  LLV is getting gloomier with every episode.  Can’t they give her the hair highlights instead of B and make her happy?  Even SuicidalEric has a happy day. 

SS is busy touching the art.  Aaron finds her and wants to share his success by taking her out to dinner.  She takes a peek over at DD and tells Aaron she’s not dating right now.  He says he’s used that line before.  Man, he must have a book of lines.  He gives her a second chance—if she can tell him the fate of Cecil the Caterpillar, he will go out with her.  She says she can’t date boys who make up riddles.

B shows up when Aaron leaves to tell SS that CS is going to meet her on the roof. If he rejects her, she can jump off the roof.  SS warns against that plan, citing that her obituary shouldn’t read that she died in the poorest of all borroghs, Brooklyn.

When B makes her way to the roof, DD warns her to be careful.  He says that his advice before was bad and now she should make sure CS is done playing games.  Ooh, DD’s gotten into her head now.

Agnes shows up at the Poor Gallery opening because CreepyMax knows Aaron.  She asks KJ about her stunt with NastyMom and says that someone she knows wants to do a story on KJ as being a designer to watch.  In a rare moment of clarity, KJ points out that she’s an unemployed, home-schooled 15 year old.  Agnes tells her that KJ should do her own line.  Again, KJ speaks the truth and says she’s poor.  Agnes says it’s still totally possible.  She drags KJ out to a party. 

BoringNate runs after KJ, asking if she’s leaving already.  She says she has to go to a party.  He was hoping they could hang out.  She says they can hang out tomorrow at the loft.  Love triangle.  Awkward love triangle.  A brother, a sister, and one pretty pretty boy.  Sigh.  He laments that she’s never home and has to make out with DownerDan instead.  KJ reveals that she’s quit the sweatshop and BN wants to know what her dad thinks about her starting her own line.  KJ wanted him to say “wow” and instead he asks if she really thinks it’s possible to start her own line.  DownerDan has really rubbed off on him.  Then BN asks how old CreepyMax is and KJ says he’s an amazing photographer.  She leaves with her friends.  Who she’s known for five minutes.

Up on the roof, B can’t find the nerve to say “I love you.”  She wants CS to say it with her.  CS says that they made the deal that she would say it first.  She wants to know why she has to go first since she waited on the helipad, went to Tuscany, and asked him to say it first.  And when he didn’t say it, she wanted to die.  He thinks this is one of her games and she says he’s the one who started it.  He says she’s the one who finished it.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  This can’t be!!!!!!!  Now I want to die!!!!!!!!!  I’m so fourteeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnn!!!!!!!!!!  I’m not smiling anymore.  This is a roller coaster of emotions!  Damn you, Gossip Girl!!!!!!  Quit playing around with my heart.  Fortunately, B does not jump from the rooftop.

BN introduces himself to Aaron at the gallery.  He gets the rundown on CreepyMax.  “Great guy as long as he’s not dating your sister.”  Sister.  Potential lover.  Both.  Whatever.

B shows up in tears in the gallery and SS asks DD what happened.  DD says that the Chuck Bass and Blair Duo was headed for doom anyway, so he helped it along by offering crappy advice on purpose.  SS is angry that DD didn’t tell her that he didn’t like hanging out with Blair and he should’ve said that instead of screwing over two people who love each other.  Even if one of those two people tried to date rape his little sister.

Over at the party, KJ is watching Agnes and CreepyMax make out while CM takes pictures.  Then Agnes starts dancing to this song she loves (which is a pretty crappy song from what I hear and not a dance tune).  The party is the three of them.

DD finds CS running down the stairs and CS says he’s ignoring him.  DD explains that B loves Chuck and she was going to tell him until Dan stopped her.  You know, this is so stupid.  Sure Dan screwed up the I Love Yous between B and CS, but he did it because he was angry with Blair for screwing over himself and LLV, and NOT because ChuckSlime tried to date rape his little sister. No, that’s something I would not get over.  Jeez.  So I’m all for Dan not helping out, but Dan the Tool is screwing them over for the wrong reasons.  He’s doing it because he feels like the Superior Introspective Dan Humphrey Who Needs To Protect His Hip Brooklyn Friends Who Are Poor rather than being Dan the protective and loving brother who still wants to murder the guy who tried to rape his sister.  I hate him!

Speaking of date rape and sisters, KJ is dancing with Agnes at the apartment.  Agnes takes off her shirt.  KJ is shocked.  CreepyMax keeps taking pictures.  Then KJ takes off her shirt because she’s all Fiona Apple Criminal, too.  Then the doorbell rings.  It’s BoringNate, “her knight in shining Armani.”  Heeheheeheeee.  Good one, GG.  KJ insists she’s not going to leave and CreepyMax takes his picture.  BN sits on the couch to wait for her so KJ grabs her clothes and leaves the apartment without putting her shirt on first. 

SS has stormed out of the Poor Gallery and DD follows her to apologize.  He was worried if he fought with SS because he wants to be friends.  SS says that she wants to go out with Aaron but said no because she didn’t know how DD would feel.  He says he likes Aaron so she has her blessing if that’s what she wants.  She feels like she’s known Aaron forever and then exclaims, Cecil the caterpillar!  She realizes she knows Aaron from camp in Europe where they got married with licorice rings.  It lasted until she ate her ring.  DD needs to find LLV and SS needs to find Aaron.  She sees him get on a motorcycle with a girl climbing on behind him.  For some reason, I’m totally not upset at all for Serena.

B sits at her vanity and CS shows up.  She says he won and he says he didn’t.  He says that they can’t say those three words to each other because they both know the moment they do, it will be the end of all that’s between them, not the beginning of something.  Chuck Bass and Blair on a ferris wheel eating cotton candy is not the Chuck Bass and Blair Evil Empire that we all know and love.  She says it wouldn’t have to be like that but he insists it would be.  The thing that makes them work is the game.  He says maybe in the future something could happen.  She says waiting would bring some excrutiating pleasure.  They kiss and then she sheds a single tear and he leaves, but not without grabbing her hand and not wanting to let go.  Omigod.  That’s it.  I’m in love with Chuck and Blair.  Not with Chuck.  Not with Blair. But with ChuckAndBlair.  This IS so excrutiatingly pleasureable.  Especially with this music.  Haunting!  I can’t take it!

KJ comes out of the building with her clothes finally on.  She exclaims that they were dancing around in their underwear, not making a porno.  Again, in a rare moment of clarity, Nate this time responds, Not yet anyway!  She says she would never put herself in that kind of situation.  Hey Emo-Psuedo-Punk Girl, you just did.  KJ asks BN why he cares so much since it’s not like he’s related to her (he’s practically her brother-in-law but I guess she’s in denial).  He gives her a throaty “because.”  She kisses him quickly.  He lets out a huge sigh, a sigh filled with “omigod what am I going to tell your brother who’s also my boyfriend?” and “I’ve been waiting for this since I kissed you when I thought you were Serena at the masquerade ball!”  KJ gets embarrassed and tries to run away.  Instead, BN pulls her back and then they start mackin’ it all quickly and with lots of head movement like two anxious teenagers are supposed to kiss all awkwardly when they think it’s passionately.

BTW—In real life, Chase Crawford is 23 and Taylor Momsen is about 16 so who’s the pedophile now, Nate?  I’m aware that’s not a logical argument.  That stems from my own love for Chase Crawford since all the guys I’ve been dating lately have been 23 so he’d fit right into my wheelhouse.  I know I swoon for Chuck Bass all the time [all right, okay, I swoon for Blair], but he’s fictional and I wouldn’t really want to date someone so devious, and Chase Crawford looks real good without a shirt so all he’d have to do is stand shirtless near me and I’d be in heaven.  Moving on.

But, wait a second, oh no!  Poor Dan!  Literally and figuratively!  DownerDan Humphrey loses again.  That’s what happens when you’re a tool.