Hi Mom! I Love You, Okay

Highlights: Nate dumps Chuck!  Jenny dumps Blair!  Dan loves Serena!  Eric is alive!  Rufus wears a granny cardigan!

Sadly, we’ve come to the end of the not-so-long, quite predictable road that is Gossip Girl Season 1.  Happily, we’re going out with not only a bang, but with a few bings and lots of nah nee nah nee nah nahs.  Nice!

Gossip Girl explains the difference between gossip and scandal—the right person needs to be in the wrong place.  Slutty Serena grabs a bunch of home pregnancy tests in a pharmacy as some girl blatantly takes pictures of her with a camera phone.  Seriously, how did Serena not see this chick taking the pictures?  The girl is standing right there!

Poverty Stricken Jenny screams while looking at her laptop and Poverty Stricken Dan and Poverty Stricken Rockin Rufus run in to see what’s wrong.  She says she was practicing her scream and closes her laptop.  The Humphrey men insist on looking at what she saw and carry her chair and her away from the computer.  She’s so trying not to laugh when they do so.  When Rufus opens the laptop, they all see the picture on Gossip Girl of Serena holding a home pregnancy test.  RockinRufus tells Jenny to go away, kicking her out of her own room, because it’s her fault that Serena’s pregnant so she doesn’t deserve her own room anymore.  Oh, and Rufus is wearing some sort of womanly cardigan.  It’s not even like a retro Mr. Rogers cardigan.  It’s a full on granny sweater.

Suicidal Eric and Slutty Serena are walking down the street in Manhattan and he asks if there’s something she wants to say.  She’s like, yes!  Your hair is ugly.  His hair is all shades of brown and blonde.  He shows her his cell that has the picture of her with the home pregnancy test.  Serena is wearing a red jacket.  Usually, I don’t mention clothes unless they’re wearing a maternity tuxedo (hello, Blair) or a granny cardigan (see Rufus above), but just keep her jacket in mind.

Back in the poor part of town, Rufus broods silently and then tells Dan that he and Hudson Alison don’t want their son to be a teenage dad because he’s smart and special.  He now doesn’t have a bright future.  Dan says it’s not a part of the plan but he loves Serena whether or not she’s pregnant.  Rockin Rufus tells him to talk to her because it might not be true.  Dan says, Did you hear what I said?  Rufus is like, You heard what I said.  I heard them both.  They heard each other.  Goodie.

Serena the slut paces anxiously outside of the school and some dude walks by and says, Hey, Mom!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  HIL. AIR.  EEE. US!!!!!!!!!!  Serena answers, Yes, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.  Good comeback but not as funny as Hey Mom!  Dan arrives and proclaims he loves her and she says she’s not pregnant so he doesn’t have to say the love thing.  She says thank you.  He says no baby is good news and Rufus is going to throw a party.  Serena has to go meet Blair on the steps.  Awesome.  Two episodes in a row where someone proclaims his love and is met with a rather mundane that’s nice.  Heeheeeee.  Already, the finale is making up for all those stupid scenes with Alison and Vanessa throughout the season.

Jenny arrives on the steps to meet Blair and the Chickadees and she’s late because she had to go to the library.  Blair makes her move down a few steps and Jenny says that the hazing is old.  She leaves and doesn’t say hi to Serena who shows up late also.  She tells the girls she’s not pregnant.  She pulls Blair aside and tells her that she needs to stop being in denial.  Apparently, Blair’s period is late and Serena shoves a home pregnancy test at her.  Dude, I SO CALLED THAT!  THAT’S what the maternity tuxedo was all about!!!  But why does Serena know so much about Blair’s uterus?  Serena tells Blair she needs to know if she and Chuck are going to have a baby.  BabySlime?  Shudder at the thought.

ChuckSlime arrives at the courtyard just in time to see Boring Nate mackin it with Blair.  Nate asks Blair to go with him to see Captain Morgan and she loves that he’s leaning on her, emotionally.  Then Blair sees ChuckSlime but continues mackin it with Nate.

Poor Dan and Poor Jenny arrive home to tell Rufus he’s not a granddaddy.  He says it’s cool and then chants Yes Yes Yes!  Even though he’s not a granddad, he’s still wearing the granny cardigan.  Then Dan says he told Serena he loved her and she thinks he only said it because he thought she was pregnant.  Rufus says it’s good he got shot down because he’s only 17 and should enjoy it.  After Rufus leaves, Jenny tells Dan not to listen to him because he’s old and has a broken marriage (of course she doesn’t mention how she played the major role in the destruction of her dad’s heart).  She tells Dan to tell Serena again when there aren’t any distractions like possible pregnancy.  He says it’s a good idea.

On the UES, Serena comes to harass Blair as Blair tries to study. Serena is wearing a grayish coat now.  That’s two coats.  Keep track. Blair gushes that Nate was leaning on her and then says she hasn’t been on the pill since she was fifteen.  Like Serena has.  Because Serena’s a slut.  Then Serena leaves because she can’t handle the truth.

Serena eats spaghetti with Dan.  Jenny comes into the kitchen for juice and Dan tells her to go to Vanessa’s to have even poorer juice.  Jenny plans to put on her headphones in her bedroom so her brother can mack it.  Instead, Dan decides to ask Serena what’s on her mind.  Serena tells him that the pregnancy test was for Blair because Blair slept with ChuckSlime before she got back with Boring Nate.  Jenny overhears it all before she puts on her headphones.  Serena says Chuck doesn’t know. Dan doesn’t believe he doesn’t know.  Serena wants to talk to Chuck so he’ll talk Blair into taking the test.  Dan hugs Serena and what’s with everyone’s wardrobe tonight?  Why is Dan wearing a shiny shirt?

Over at the Poor Art Gallery, Rockin Rufus in his granny cardigan gushes about a painting that some woman is buying.  She wants to get a drink with him and he doesn’t realize he’s being asked out.  She leaves her card with him when another woman walks in.  It’s the art dealer who works for JudgyLily who offered her card in case the trains stopped running to Hudson.  She wants to see some new stuff for other clients, meaning she wants to get into his pants and under his granny cardigan.  She asks about Alison in Hudson and he says he’s trying to move on.  She asks him out for tomorrow night and he’s happy about it.   In his granny cardigan.

Serena goes over to ChuckSlime’s.  She says, Hi Chuck.  He says, Please call me brother.  HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  She wants to trust him and hopes he’s really decent.  Has she met Chuck?  He makes himself a cocktail and she says that the test was for Blair.  He says they used a condom and she says it obviously broke.  Wait a minute—Blair might not even be pregnant so it’s not obvious that the condom broke.  And when exactly did they use a condom?  Really, in the back of that limo, I didn’t see any condoms come out.  Plus, you’re not pregnant every time your period is late.  I should know—I’m the queen of the It Think I’m Pregnant Because My Period Is Late dilemma and I have yet to actually be pregnant.  Oh, great, now I’ve jinxed myself and I’m gonna be with child. 

Chuck says that the only thing that’s obvious is that Blair has kept Serena in the dark.  He tells her that Nate and Blair slept together as soon as he and Blair got it on.  Nice!

The next morning in Brooklyn, Rufus asks Dan how he and Jenny would feel if Rufus went out for a drink with a woman.  Dan says he shouldn’t wear that shirt unless he doesn’t want a second date.  Rufus is wearing a plaid shirt with lots of snap closures.  But hang on a second.  Dan had no problem with the granny cardigan, yet he gets all Fashion Gestapo about the farmer Ted shirt.  Seriously.  Jenny comes in and asks Rufus if he plans to wear the farmer Ted shirt in public.  Jenny says that drinks are okay but the shirt is awful.  It’s all Jenny’s fault.

Serena arrives at Blair’s house during breakfast and says the sky is a clear blue easy.  She’s wearing a brown coat.  Jacket number 3.  She scolds Blair for not telling her about Nate putting his penis into her, but why would Serena have to know that?  Serena’s already had Nate inside her.  She knows what it’s like.  Serena’s upset because she took a public bullet for Blair and Blair still won’t take the pregnancy test.  NastyMom comes in to see what’s going on and asks Blair what’s wrong when Serena leaves.  NastyMom asks if Blair’s condition has returned and says she heard Blair puking the other day.  They were fighting about Blair’s condition but not the pie-eating problem, NastyMom; it’s a condition concerning a sperm, an egg, and a growing uterus.  NastyMom suggests Blair goes to Lyon to see Daddy so she can puke in France instead and Blair wants to go in the summer.  NastyMom tells her to finish breakfast.

Blair goes upstairs.  She tells herself not to be pregnant.  Then she takes the test.  She calls Serena who slowly walks the streets of Manhattan.  Blair apologizes and Serena accepts and Blair says she took the test and she’s not pregnant and they both scream like little girls.  It’s a clean slate between them now.

Blair arrives at school where ChuckSlime is waiting.  And wearing his scarf again!  Blair tells him that he can’t hold anything over her anymore because if he wanted to tell Nate about him sleeping with Blair, he would’ve done it in Monaco. The fact is that Chuck doesn’t want to destroy his friendship with Nate.  Chuck says it’s not over until he says it is.  Blair tells him to play with himself. 

So Chuck does what any rational teen boy would do: He emails Gossip Girl to say that Serena isn’t pregnant; the test was for Blair who slept with two people and wouldn’t know who the father is.

Poor Dan takes Serena on a date outside in the winter so he covers her with a blanket and gives her ginger ale which won’t warm her up.  He tells her that she’s become important to him in the short time he’s known her.  Her lit paper flies away with the wind and some guy helps her pick it up and she gushes, I Love You! to the complete stranger.  She asks Dan what he was saying and he offers to proofread her paper.  She wants to eat first.

At school, the Chickadees show Jenny Gossip Girl’s new headline and then inside Nate sees it too.  Blair isn’t only not a virgin,  but she also isn’t not not pregnant maybe and has paternity woes.  Gossip Girl asks, who’s you’re Daddy, B, baby daddy that is.  Then the rumors fly across the courtyard: slut slut pot kettle black bitch slut.  She looks for Nate and then flees.

Poor Jenny tells Nate that she saw the website when the meet in the hallway.  Jenny and Nate are friends only when they randomly bump into each other.  He asks Jenny if she knows anything, despite her being friends with Blair.  Jenny says Blair isn’t a friend and tells Nate that there’s something he should know.

And now we come to the most awesome fight in Gossip Girl history, even more awesome than Serena and Blair wackin each other on the hockey field.  BoringNate storms up to ChuckSlime on the sidewalk, grabs him by the scarf and lapels, and lays him out on the hood of a car.  Bow chicka bow wow!  He puts his hands around Chuck’s neck and almost kisses him but doesn’t.  Instead, he asks, Did you sleep with her?  Chuck says he can answer when Nate’s hands aren’t around his neck.  Nate asks if he took Blair the way he takes all the other girls.  Oh, so Nate know about Chuck’s raping habit.  The rape is fine when it happens to other girls but when it happens to your girlfriend, then it becomes a problem.  Such a double standard.

Then Nate caresses Chuck’s chest and gets off of him.  Chuck stands up and yells, Yes, Nathaniel (I love it when he calls him Nathaniel), I TOOK what Blair kept throwing at YOU and what you kept throwing BACK.  Nate asks if his screwing Blair for sport is his fault and Chuck says it wasn’t for sport.  Blair needed someone and Chuck was there.  Nate’s all like, So then you CARED about her?  Chuck goes, You guys were broken up.  Notice he didn’t say he cared.  Nate asks for how long—a week, an hour?  He’s simply wants a time line.  Nate starts to storm away.

Chuck yells after him, I’m sorry!  I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay?!  He grabs Nate’s arm and spins him around.  Bow chicka bow wow!  Now Chuck is finally workin Nate instead of Nate pining after Chuck. Nate says it’s not okay and that Chuck should stay away from him.  Nate storms away and then twirls around to repeat himself.  Chuck yells at the onlookers that the show is over and falls into his limo.  And that’s the story of how Nate and Chuck broke up.

When Nate arrives home, he finds Blair in his room.  He asks her what she’s doing there and she says Boring Mom let her in.  He goes, I didn’t ask how you got in; I want to know why you’re here.  She wants to talk about them being together and he says they’re not together anymore.  She says Chuck would say anything and Nate says that Jenny wouldn’t. She’s all, Jenny?  And he’s like, Don’t blame Jenny because I would’ve found out anyway.  Yes, but not as quickly.  He tells her to leave but then doesn’t give her a chance to even move before he yells, I’ll leave and you can stay as long as you want, and he storms out.  As my Gossip Girl Confidant Fred says, Nate basically becomes a girl.  A slightly boring girl.

Rockin Rufus is at the Poor Art Gallery when some woman walks in and he’s all, Brynn!  She says she’s there on a dare from her friends to ask him out.  He’s back in the granny cardigan.  She says he has to say yes.  He says that he has plans tonight but maybe some other night.  The art dealer woman walks in to see if she’s interupting and he makes introductions: Brynn, Becks, Becks, Brynn  but he points to the wrong one when he says the name and Becks says she’s Becks and the other one is Brynn and Rufus says he gets his B’s mixed up.  Pretty soon, he’ll be the one impregnating Blair.  Then again, probably not—Blair wouldn’t sleep with a guy who wears a granny cardigan.  Becks wants to reschedule and storms out and Brynn says that Rufus is available so now he must go out with her.

Serena arrives at Blair’s wearing a solid gray coat.  Jacket number 4.  She asks what happened and Blair can’t believe that Serena told Jenny about Blair and Chuck.  Serena uses the very solid defense of “No I Didn’t.”  Blair comes back with more or less a “Yes You Did.”  Again, very solid.  Blair asks Serena if she told Dan and Serena doesn’t really answer so Blair knows that she did.  Blair calls Dan and Jenny low rent and Serena can’t believe Blair is attacking the poor people of the world.  Blair says that it’s different for Serena because she’s already a known-skank-whore and Blair is known as a Waldorf.  Serena says that her low rent taste will let Blair and her rep weather the storm alone.  Then Serena has to wait for the elevator to arrive before she can storm out.  AWK-WARD!

Jenny arrives on the steps with Blair.  No it’s Jenny’s turn for a fashion faux pas.  Her pink beret is very Pretty In Pink—I’m pretty sure she sewed random buttons and other fun crap to the side of it .  Some girl who we’ve never seen until this episode tells Blair that she needs to go away because she acted all pure and innocent while she was sleeping with two guys.  The Chickadees should at least be the ones taking over, not these random girls who we’ve never seen.  They tell her that the whole school saw Nate and Chuck throwing down over her cheap ass and that the Queen B is now dethroned.  Jenny goes to follow the random girls and Blair threatens to ruin her.  Jenny asks, How? and Blair has no answer so she leaves.

Back at the gallery, Rufus calls Becks to leave an apology.  Apparently, he’s calling “again” which means he’s going psychotic and leaving lots of messages.  He says he’s new at this and didn’t mean to do whatever it was he did wrong.  Like wearing that granny cardigan.

In the courtyard, Serena asks Dan if he told Jenny about Blair and Chuck.  He says no.  She asks how she can know that.  He says because he gave her his word and he loves her and not because he thought she was pregnant or has nice hair.  She says Okay.  Friggin fantastic!  That’s the THIRD time that’s happened.  Dan is like, Okay is not an appropriate response and leaves.  These people do a lot of storming away.

Oooh, and now it’s a slow motion time!  Blair walks through a park. AND it’s time for flashbacks!  Flashback to her sleeping with Nate and Chuck.  It’s over too quickly.  They totally could have cheesed that up much, much more.

Suicidal Eric is minding his own business, listening to his Juke on the couch, when Serena accosts him with everything that has happened to her in the last 48 hours.  He’s all, I don’t know what you’re talking about but why would Dan lie?  And this is the first time I’ve noticed (and Fred noticed too) that Eric’s voice is about three octaves higher than anyone else’s on the show, including Jenny and her choir.  He asks Serena if she knows how many times he listened in to her conversations.  Then he says that her fear of love comes with JudgyLily marrying everyone who said I love you.  Serena ends the conversation because Eric seems too smart.

Blair meets up with Chuck at FatherSlime’s hotel.  What.  Is Chuck.  Wearing.  Okay, I understand that real men wear pink.  Fine.  I don’t have a problem with that.  I DO have a problem with a pink sweater that has a black and white checked vest sewn onto the front that’s worn over a white button-down tuxedo shirt.  Blair congratulates Chuck for his success in ruining all of Blair’s relationships and she has no one to turn to but Chuck.  He says she doesn’t have him.  She was fascinating when she was untouched but now she’s like an Arabian his father owned—rode hard and put away wet.  Ewww.  That’s so slimy.  He says she doesn’t want her anymore and can’t see why anyone else would.  And that’s why he’s ChuckSlime.  Guess what Blair does.  She leaves.  Because that’s what they do.

Blair comes home and asks NastyMom if she can spend a semester in France starting ASAP.  Daddy is thrilled about a visit and Blair gets all teary-eyed and NastyMom is very concerned.  Blair tells her to book a flight then.  NastyMom says Blair will be out tomorrow and Blair falls into NastyMom’s lap.

At school,  Random Girl wants to go for a Barney’s driveby and Jenny can’t go because she has to return library books.  When does Jenny ever read?  Random Girl tells some other smaller random girl to return the books for Jenny.  The smaller girl says she will.  Jenny says she can do it herself and Random Girl says that Jenny shouldn’t have to.  Jenny lets the smaller girl return them for her and Random Girl says that Blair trained Jenny well. 

Becks arrives at the Poor Art Gallery and Rufus again apologizes for what happened.  He says that he was married for almost 20 years and before that had a succession of groupies who chose him and he has no dating experience.  She says that she’s still charmed by him so instructs him to call her in two days to thank her for forgiving him and he will ask her to dinner.  He takes out his phone as she walks away and calls her and says he isn’t good at following rules.  Okay, props to Rufus. Too bad I really don’t like this Becks woman.  I don’t like Brynn either.  In fact, the only kinda likeable woman for Rufus is JudgyLily, and she’s only likeable kinda when she’s with him because he makes fun of her for being judgy. 

Meanwhile, Serena shows up at the Humphrey House wearing a blue disco coat.  Jacket number 5.  She wants to know why Dan loves her so she can say Okay again.  He says he loves her because she laughs like a four year old and he aspires to be a pedophile and she doesn’t apologize for being sexy and she’s completely unaware of her affect on him.  He loves her because she can be with someone like him (POOR) and still be friends with someone like Blair (NOT PREGNANT).  She tells Dan that he’s amazing for being able to say all those things. They mack it.  She says she loves him and she has to go.  He doesn’t ask her to list the reasons because he doesn’t want to risk her not having any and changing her mind.

Serena goes to the helipad where Blair’s helicopter is getting ready to fly one bourrough over to JFK.  Nice security.  Serena tells her not to run away and she can rebuild her life and Blair Waldorf tells people who she is and Serena will fight with her.  Blair is embarrassed.  Serena tells her to start over like she did.  All Blair needs is a poverty stricken boyfriend.  They hug it out.  Blair tells the helicrew that she’s going home and they can stop tinkering with the aircraft. 

Gossip Girl says one good scandal deserves another and if B has anything to do with it, everybody will be the target of the next one.  But if everyone’s the target, who will be left to shock with it since everyone will be involved? 

Forget Gossip Girl.  You know you love my recaps.  XOXO and some Korbel and Coke.