Ain’t Nothing Like A Murder To Bring Former Friends Together Again
Highlights: Boring Nate makes a date; Long Lost Vanessa and Rockin Rufus have an odd friendship, no?; Blair and Chuck form a dynamic vengeful duo; Serena is a slut and a murderer and a drug user and a drunk; Lily judges people; Eric must have committed suicide because he’s nowhere to be found; Dan finds solace in Sarah even though her name is Georgina and she made a snuff film
Georgina is working on her friendship with Serena by stalk-calling her non-stop. Gossip Girl suggests Slutty Murderous Serena doesn’t want to be found.
In the poor house, Lowly Dan and Rockin Rufus banter on about Rufus’s set list. Rufus brags about how he used to have a popular band and Dan replies by pointing out that VH1 Classics is for old washed up rockers. Dan tells him about how Slutty Murderous Serena has been lying to him. Rockin Rufus calls him judgmental. I love Rufus in these episodes. He has a great knack for pointing out the flaws of his children.
Boring Nate shows up at Long Lost Vanessa’s work. I suppose their love affair is back on after last episode and no mention of it. He has to run but wants to make a date. They’re going to go to a concert. Could it be the concert of The Washed Up Rockin Rufus Band?
Judgy Lily and Father Slime are planning their wedding. The wedding planner goes all JT/Madonna on them and admonishes: tic toc tic toc tic toc. Lowly Dan arrives in search of Serena who is surely either murdering someone, giving some head, or piling on more makeup until we can no longer distinguish one facial feature from another. ChuckSlime insults the housekeeping and receives a call, telling the person that Serena never came home.
ChuckSlime and Boring Nate wind up in the same elevator together. Boring Nate clenches his jaw to hold back tears of anger and sadness. ChuckSlime lowers his head and offers a very weak, Hey. Awwww, it’s the first time they’ve actually been alone together after their very public breakup; of course, it’s painfully awkward. They don’t speak but that’s less because they’re in an elevator and more because there’s nothing left to salvage, and they both disembark at Blair’s place. ChuckSlime asks if it’s a perverse double date. The maid comes out and says that Blair is on her way.
Georgina is still stalk-calling Serena, threatening to buy her coffee. SarahG runs into Dan on the street and of course he comes running right over. He tells her that Serena hasn’t been herself lately. SarahG suggests that he call again because she’ll definitely pick up if he calls. Then whadya know—Dan’s phone rings. However, it’s not Serena. It’s the bartender who works at the bar where she left her phone last night. The bartender says she left with three guys and didn’t pay. I hope he doesn’t expect Dan to pay because Dan is very very poor.
Blair arrives in the elevator and before the two unhappy boys can really say anything, Blair tells them she meant what she said: she needs their help. She leads them to the elevator where Slutty Murderous Serena is crouched in the corner, semi-hyperventilating with her shoes off. Nate and Chuck grab her and walk her upstairs while Blair calls for the maid to make some coffee. Because coffee cures murder. Oh, and Serena has two black narrow smudges where her eyes used to be. Still, her hair looks fabulous!
Nate and Blair drag Serena towards the shower as ChuckSlime tells them to give her bagels. As Blair undresses Serena, ChuckSlime tries to sneak a peek. Nate closes the door and asks Chuck if he’s enjoying it. Chuck slime says it brings up good memories. Serena pukes and Blair comes out, wanting bagels. They ask Blair what happened and Blair says that Serena was scared so she tried to give Serena some Valium but Serena disappeared.
Meanwhile, Rockin Rufus loads up the van and tries to ignore the fact that JudgyLily is on the front page of the Post and getting married. Long Lost Vanessa starts to give Rufus advice about Dan. Then she tells Rufus that she loves the picture of him in his concert poster. Oooh, I can see it now—Vanessa and Rufus are so gonna get it on. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But some day. Oh, Gossip Girl, please make it happen.
Cut to Judgy Lily looking at the same photograph, telling some guy where she was when that picture was taken. The guy asks if she was in volved with Rufus Humphrey when she took the picture and why she gave up photography. Dan comes to the door to interupt and JudgyLily is actually happy to see him. He’s still looking for Serena. JudgyLily suggests that since Charles said he was going to Blair’s, that’s probably where she is. Charles as in ChuckSlime. Dan goes away and the random guy is still asking Lily about photography. She says she wasn’t in love with Rufus a whole lot. That satisfies random guy enough for him to leave.
Lowly Dan arrives at Blair’s and gets all kind of confused. He asks, Don’t you all hate each other? HIL. AIR. EEE. US! Then Blair answers, Yes. Even MORE HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!! ChuckSlime says that Serena isn’t there. Blair agrees. Then she tells Dan that Serena doesn’t want to see him. So he does exactly what any normal boyfriend would do—he yells her name out. Serena comes out of hiding with her hair tied back and no makeup on. She has eyes! Dan asks what’s going on and she insists it’s hard to explain. He’s sick of being out of the loop. He asks her if she slept with someone. She says yes. Oh, man, I love this show. We get a quick peek at ChuckSlime and Blair who are standing by all uncomfortable having to witness this. Chuck’s looking off in the distance (actually, he may be gazing at Nate), and Blair’s got her eyes glued to the floor. Heeheheeeee. Dan whispers, “I’m done. I’m done.” He leaves in the elevator with a look of shock on his face. SarahG calls at that very moment, asking if he found Serena. He wishes he hadn’t. He decides to meet SarahG in the park because she’s a good listener. Aww, now Dan’s not even rich by association.
JudgyLily and Father Slime are still discussing the wedding. She wants this wedding to be more perfect than her three previously perfect ones. She gets a call from Serena but it’s not Serena—it’s Blair’s maid. Lily treats her as such, trying to not talk to her at all because the wedding is more important. The maid charges on, though, and suggests that Lily have worry about her daughter because her daughter is like the way she was before she went away to boarding school—slutty, drunk, and murderous. Lily tears herslef away from Father Slime. She then goes through a bunch of drawers until she finds the little disk drive thingie that Georgina gave to Serena with the murder on it.
Back over at Blair’s, Serena can’t believe she just did that but she’d rather Dan think she cheated even when she didn’t than know the truth because he put her on a pedestal. ChuckSlime says, “Now you’re scaring ME—what did you do?” Heeheeheee. Nate prods her to tell them. Blair tells Serena that none of them are saints and she can trust all of them. Chuck and Blair had sex in a limo several times. Nate had sex with Serena while he was Blair’s date. Chuck admits to being Chuck Bass. See? All immoral so what’s a little killing among friends?
SluttyMurderousSerena reminds them of Georgina Sparks. Chuck can’t forget her—he lost his virginity to her in sixth grade. She says that something happened the night of the Shepard wedding aside from her sleeping with Boring Nate and now Georgina is blackmailing her. She recounts the sleeping with Nate and then says she left right away because she felt guilty and headed towards Georgina’s, with whom she had plans.
Ooooh! Meanwhile, JudgyLily is WATCHING the sex tape that Georgina secretly made on that night. This is so good! Complete with the line about Serena going down with anything. Serena admitted what she did to Georgina and then the guy on the tape breaks out the coke. Fast forward and the guy is trying to do it with Serena even though she’s too hot. They both take off her shirt and she’s practically passing out as he macks it with her. Then she starts mackin it back.
Serena continues telling the story. She pushed the guy away and suggested doing a few lines. He did some and then started seizing. The video camera got knocked over, but we still see Serena’s flashback. She fought with Georgina, wanting to call 911. Serena calls 911 with the guy’s phone. Serena tells Blair, Nate, and Chuck that she waited near the hotel to make sure the paramedics would help the guy whose name is Pete but then she saw him in a body bag. She took a train north and convinced her mom that boarding school was a good idea. Blair says that her disappearance makes sense now. Serena explains that Georgina came back and didn’t like the new Serena and so she made up a new identity as Sarah and befriended Dan.
Blair asks why she doesn’t simply tell Dan about it. Thank you! Thank you, Blair! That’s what I’ve wanted to know for a week. Serena tells them about the video that’s practically a snuff film. Chuck looks at Nate. Nate looks at Blair. Blair looks at Chuck. Heeheeheeeeee! So good.
Wedding Day! Wedding Day! JudgyLily is getting married! She’s wearing black. In fact, everyone is wearing black. Serena arrives with Blair and Lily grabs Serena and judges her and asks her about being on drugs and says she saw the snuff film but stopped when she saw tongue. She tells Serena that she’s out of control and will send Serena to reformatory school. Blair runs up to Serena and Serena cries a lot.
Dan arrives at the show with SarahG. Long Lost Vanessa tunes Rufus’s guitar (man, I wish that were a euphemism). Oh, and Lisa Loeb is there. What the? Okay, then. Dan tells Rufus that Jenny called from Allison’s house to tell him to break a leg. Then some girl calls out, Hey Georgina! It’s one of five girls in the audience, the audience being only those five girls. SarahG drags Dan away before he catches on.
Back at the wedding, Blair tells JudgyLily that Serena is in pain and the pain won’t go away if Serena goes away. She says that Serena has a secret that’s catching up to her. Blair tells Lily that Serena needs her mom.
BoringNate calls Long Lost Vanessa to tell her he’s going to be late because he’s taking the subway and may get mugged or lost along the way. Vanessa says she’ll be waiting for him with Dan and Sarah. Nate tells Vanessa that Sarah’s real name is Georgina and not to trust anything she says.
ChuckSlime hands Lily a piece of paper at the wedding. Then Nate calls Blair to tell her that he’s going to Brooklyn and Georgina will be there. Blair decides to pick up Nate to go with him.
Oh, this isn’t the wedding. It’s a rehearsal dinner. Lily decides she needs to put her daughter first for once and tells Father Slime she needs to leave. He wants an explanation but she refuses one.
Blair tells Chuck that she knows where Georgina is. Chuck says, “Let’s get the bitch.” Yes, it’s official: I am totally in love with Chuck. Really, for however much they all hate each other here and there, they are so very awesome to come together in times of drug-induced murder.
Lily takes Serena to someone’s house where Serena doesn’t want to go. Lily gives her a pep talk about moving forward.
Lisa Loeb is back on stage, hosting the concert. Vanessa confronts SarahG, calling her Georgina. Georgina doesn’t know what Long Lost Vanessa is talking about. Vanessa says that she and Dan don’t like liars. Georgina walks away and Vanessa tells Dan that Sarah is Georgina. Then she needs to go give Rufus his set list.
Lily and Serena come out of the house. Serena’s not okay. She feels terrible. Peter’s parents told them that Peter was an addict for ten years and Serena isn’t responsible because she was sixteen at the time. Lily tells Serena that she’s a good person. So Lily basically backpedals on everything she told Serena a few hours ago. Serena wants to go see Dan.
Lisa Loeb is singing “Stay.” Dan confronts Georgina about her fake name. Georgina says that her ex boyfriend got out of control when she broke up with him. She says that her ex broke into her car and house and she changed her number and he still found her. So she changed her name and moved. Dan understands. He doesn’t think less of her simply because she’s been falling for him. Dan suggests they leave the concert and not watch his dad play so they can talk in private.
Finally, Lincoln Hawk plays. Rockin Rufus is a high soprano! Who knew?! ChuckSlime and Blair arrive asking for Georgina. Nate and Vanessa say that she left. Serena arrives looking for Dan. They tell her that Dan left with Georgina. She asks Blair to help her find him.
JudgyLily hears the band playing and can’t help herself. She goes into the concert and stares at Rufus on stage. He sees her in the corner even though it’s really dark. They make eye contact. He plays even harder and sings even higher. Go, soprano, go! Lisa Loeb asks for an encore but Rufus runs off stage to find Lily who left. He blocks her path on the street. She keeps saying, Get out of my way, and he keeps saying, NO. So then they mack it. On the night of her wedding rehearsal dinner.
Serena gets a phone call from Dan’s phone. But it’s Georgina. She says that all bets are off and she plans to either kill Dan or make him have sex with her, I’m not sure which. Dan brings Georgina some coffee so Georgina hangs up on Serena. Then they mack it, too. Apparently, even soulful, emotional Dan sometimes listens to his hormones instead of analyzing every second.