Wedding Bells And A Huge Set Of Balls

Highlights: Captain and Coke is back; ChuckSlime ponders feelings (nothing more than feelings); JudgyLily breaks tradition and Nate breaks the Captain’s face; LowlyDan is drunk with power; Serena piles on the makeup; Blair takes it to Chuck’s shins

Slutty Non-Murderous Serena takes herself for a walk, stalk-calling Lowly Dan.  She decides to take it one step further.  She hails a cab and heads for the poor house.

Bow chick bow wow!  I love it when rich people go slummin. JudgyLily wakes up in Rockin’ Rufus’s arms.  He gets a phone call—THE call—for Lincoln Hawk to go on the road.  JudgyLily reminds him that it’s her wedding day and congratulates him.  She thanks him for last night and he says it was amazing.  Then her phone rings and it’s Bart and she says into the phone that she’s not supposed to see him the day of.  I’m pretty sure she’s also not supposed to sleep with anyone else the night before, but I guess we pick and choose the traditions we keep.

On the richer side of town, Blair awakens to find herself resting next to one ChuckSlime.  Is it wrong that I’m still diggin everything about him and I’m now insanely jealous of her?  Still, I think they make a good couple and would love to see them together, destroying the lives of all around them.  She tells him he’s not athletic and makes fun of his scarf.  She reminds him that they came up with a good idea about taking down Georgina.  He says he has to go write his best man speech.  She pushes him towards the door and he says, They say when you love something, set it free.  She says, when you don’t, you slam the door in its face.  He loves it when she talks dirty.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US.  I love them!

Captain Kangaroo is out of rehab and back to running with Boring Nate.  They’re happy that things work out and will celebrate at the wedding.  Boring Mom won’t make it though because she’s out in the Hamptons and has to deal with shrubbery.  Boring Nate was hoping they could both meet Long Lost Vanessa.  Capt.’s cell rings and he has to take the call in private.  He has a non-cryptic conversation about slipping out of the wedding unnoticed.

Slutty Serena arrives at Lowly Dan’s place to find GeorginaSarah coming out of Dan’s bedroom.  Serena stares at Dan.  Dan stares at Serena.  Georgina stares at both of them.  It’s a literal love triangle.  Georgina apologizes because she thought it was over.  Dan tells Serena it’s not Sarah’s fault and Serena says it’s Georgina’s fault. Perhaps Dan should remember the name of the girl that emerges from his room.  Georgina says she didn’t mean to get between them, which is exactly the opposite of what she meant to do. 

But really, how can Serena be mad right now?  She’s been acting weird and lying to Dan for weeks and she didn’t tell Dan who Georgina really was which is so incredibly stupid and unbelievable.  Stupid dumb idiotic.  She has no right to be yelling.  Dan says that it’s okay and wants Georgina to stay.  Serena tries to attack Georgina, calling her a manipulative psycho bitch.  Wow, while that may be true, Serena’s turning out to be the wackadoodle in this situation.  She tells Dan that Georgina’s lying. 

Georgina leaves and Serena says she’s telling Dan everything.  She tells him everything with her boobs hanging out of her dress.  He says it’s a lot to handle and wishes she told him sooner.  She knows it’s her fault and he understands that murder and blackmail are difficult subjects.  Serena wants to fix this and suggests to Dan that all he did with Georgina was fall asleep.  As she leaves, she says that when she told her mom not to go away with Rufus it was because she and Dan were forever.  Dan calls Blair when Serena leaves.

JudgyLily arrives in an empty apartment to find FatherSlime.  Why is it that whenever Bart Bass talks, he sounds like he’s doing a very serious voiceover for Feed The Children?  He explains that this is the first building he bought and he likes to come here to think about how rich he is.  She finds comfort in revisiting things that she loved when she was young (aka RockinRufus).  He asks her what he should do.  She wants him to let it go (aka she needs to let Rufus go).  He asks her to do the same for him.  Because he soooo knows that she totally slept with Rockin Rufus last night.

Lowly Dan is at Blair’s calling Georgina.  He leaves a voicemail that says he wants to see her because he and Slutty Serena got into a fight.  Blair tells Dan she’ll talk him through the dirty work.  Georgina calls right back and says she’ll meet him at their spot in the park by the pond.  Blair applauds Dan’s knack for lying.

In the park, Georgina says that last night was fun.  Dan says that when he does things like that, it means a lot.  She’s sure Slutty Serena told Poor Dan lots of things but she feels a lot for him and he doesn’t know how to explain last night.  She asks if he can go back to Serena and leave her all alone.  Blair pops out of nowhere and says that she’s not alone at all.  She present to them Georgina’s parents!  And either a second father or a body guard.  Blair explains that her parents said Georgina was supposed to be on the equestrian circuit but sold her pony for cocaine and then she went to rehab, broke out, and went to Ibiza.  Blair gives her a brochure for a boot camp for troubled teens.  Georgina’s parents are thankful that Blair did the research.  Blair claims to be the only crazy bitch on the UES.  You bet you are, Blair!

Over in poverty stricken Brooklyn, Rockin Rufus and Lowly Dan discuss Rufus’s call to fame and fortune as well as how he didn’t come home the night before. Dan rubs salt in Rufus’s wounded heart by reminding him that he’s going to the wedding.  Rufus thanks Dan for going to the wedding instead of lodging protest.

Long Lost Vanessa emerges from KleptoJenny’s room wearing a bright orange frock.  Awww, Pretty In Pink goes tangerine dream!  I suppose this means Vanessa is going to the wedding with Boring Nate.

At the wedding, Blair approaches ChuckSlime to tell him that her work with Georgina is done, and she got Dan to get his clean hands dirty.  Wouldn’t Dan’s hands be dirty already from all the poverty?  She informs ChuckSlime that since Georgina was their only connection, she and he are no longer on speaking terms. ChuckSlime refers to Georgina and Whore-gina and I pee my pants.  These two would make the supreme power couple.  Blair kicks him in the shins with a bright pink pump.  Go Blair.  It’s your birthday!  Get busy!

O Captain My Captain arrives with Boring Nate and Capt. says hi to ChuckSlime and then Nate and Chuck have another awkward grunt of a greeting.  Apparently, coming together to save Slutty Murderous Serena didn’t bring their friendship back around.  Capt. comments that he missed a lot when he was learning to not snort coke in the poor rehab in Brooklyn and reminds them that no girl is worth destroying a friendship they’ve had for so many years.  ChuckSlime couldn’t agree more and Nate says that’s the problem.  Ooooh, no he didn’t!

Blair finds Serena and asks how things are going in the forgiveness department.  Slutty Serena says she’s working on it.  Blair says that Dan’s the one who has to forgive Serena, and not the other way around.  Hahaha.  This is why I love Blair.  Serena’s makeup is insane.  Stop it with the eyeliner and blackest mascara.  And let me ask it here: what’s up with the high neck flower halters?  Blair’s dress would be much prettier if it were a simply pink flowery pattern without a big poof of a flower on her chest.  Serena’s dress would be much prettier if it was a simple green and yellow dress without a noose adorned with green flowers. 

Outside, Captain Ahab finds the guy he was talking to on the phone.  He forks over some cash to the stranger and receives and envelope.  ChuckSlime looks on and asks some servant dude to keep an eye on the Captain.

RockinRufus comes in quietly to JudgyLily’s dressing room to ask JudgyLily if she wants him to call off the wedding.  She says that it’s been too long and they haven’t found a way to make it work with each other.  He just got divorced and doesn’t want to be married right away but she does.  Then she says, It’s not about FatherSlime’s money, which means it’s ALL about the money, especially since she follows it up with, you can never have too much money.  She likes the way he treats her and she loves him, kinda.  Rufus begrudgingly does not protest much more.

Suicidal Gay Eric wonders aloud where his mom is as he waits with ChuckSlime and FatherSlime at the altar.  Hooray, Eric has a line this episode.

Lowly Dan and Long Lost Tangerine Vanessa arrive at the wedding.  Why didn’t Nate pick her up?  Serena arrives and Vanessa goes to find her seat.  Dan tells Serena that he didn’t sleep with Georgina but he may as well have.  She has to go.

Back in the dressing room, Rufus says he loves Lily.  She loves him too.  He tells her not to trip.  Is he going to walk her down the aisle and give her away?  That would be awesome.

Finally, Serena walks down the aisle to start the ceremony.  Lily walks down the aisle alone (booooo—it would have been much better with Rufus).  ChuckSlime, in a very real moment, grabs his dad’s arm and squeezes.  Eric looks like he’s going to keel over or puke or both.  Gossip Girl says that we are gathered here today to witness this man and this woman totally F things up, and she’s talking about Dan and Serena, I think.

Reception time already!  LowlyDan and Slutty Serena awkwardly make conversation and she leaves for air. 

Some guy comes over to whisper sweet nothings into ChuckSlime’s ear.  He thanks the guy and walks over to Boring Nate.  Boring Nate doesn’t want to talk to Chuck so Chuck lightly places his hand on Nate’s manly shoulder.  Firm but sweet.  Awww.  I feel the love. Do you?  Nate abruptly stands up and Chuck tells him about Capt. doing a deal before the ceremony. Nate doesn’t want to believe it.  Chuck apologizes for being in love with Blair and insists that Nate go outside to see Capt.

Boring Nate goes outside and finds his boring dad driving away in a limo.  He asks what’s going on and Capt. says he left him a note saying he’s sorry.  Nate explains that if he relapsed, they can get him help and it’s okay.  That’s actually very genuine too because, so often, kids who have parents who are addicts become the parent in the situation.  However, that’s not the case. Captain has decided to skip town and country so he doesn’t spend the next 25 years in jail because he doesn’t have lawyers good enough to get him house arrest or a simple fine like other rich people have.  He didn’t tell Nate because he didn’t want his son to be an accessory.  Nate asks what about his mom, and Capt. says that his mom got him a private jet.  Capt. asks Nate to be the man of the family.  Nate says it’s been that way for a while.  So Nate finally pays the Capt. back.  He rears back and punches him right in the nose.  And the Capt. goes down! 

Nate and Chuck share a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes.

Blair sits down next to Vanessa to annoy her.  Vanessa points out that she’s with Nate and Blair’s at the singles’ table.  Blair feels sorry for Vanessa because it’s the second time she’s falling for someone in love with Serena. 

Outside, Nate thanks Chuck.  Chuck says it’s bigger than the other stuff.  They apologize to each other for everything and shake hands.  Shake hands?  Really?  Then again, they’re smarter than Suicidal Eric and the Dog Walker. They’ll save the fiddling with each other’s ties for later when they have some private time.  Nate asks, So you said you loved her?  ChuckSlime smirks.  Nate is clearly jealous and won’t go back in.  Vanessa pops up and makes Chuck go inside so she can hear from Nate his long story of how he and Chuck broke up.

Poor Dan finds Slutty Serena sitting by herself in the ivy covered chairs where the ceremony was.  She says she can forgive him for hooking up with Georgina.  He says he can’t forgive her and wants to break up with her.  She lied too much and it was too easy.  She cries that it wasn’t easy at all.  He says that she let him be with a girl who had a fake name.  She says she couldn’t say anything.  He says, because you were hoping I wouldn’t find out you killed someone.  HIL. AIR. EEE. US!  Who SAYS that?  He reminds her that she slept with two guys and she corrects him that she didn’t sleep with them.  That was part of the spool of lies she made because she thought sleeping with two guys at once was more forgivable than giving some guy a line of coke that he died from.  She wants to know if they’ll go away for the summer and then see each other the first day of school in September.  He says, I guess, yeah.  Heeheeeee.  That’s awful and brilliant!

Now it’s time for the best man speech.  ChuckSlime reads from some index cards about going after what one wants even when what one wants doesn’t want one back.  Then Chuck catches Blair’s eye.  He throws down his cards and talks about not giving up the chase when you’re chasing true love.  He discusses forgiveness and becoming someone worthy of a second chance.  HE hopes he’s lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for him.  Meaning Blair. 

JudgyLily and Father Bart Slime dance.  Blair tells Chuck he gave a good speech and he says he was inspired by the moment and knows he did some horrible things.  She says, Like telling Gossip Girl about our sex life?  He tells her that she doesn’t belong with Nate and never has.  Then they kiss!  Power Couple of Evil united at last!  Blair tells Chuck, Chuck Bass is a romantic, who knew?  He says, you do and that’s all that matters.  Meaning he doesn’t want word to get out.  Lowly Dan asks Serena if she’s seen Vanessa who’s lost again and some guy pushes the two of them onto the dance floor.  Slutty Serena says he can let go when the pushy guy leaves but Dan doesn’t want to let go.  He likes to send mixed messages now that he’s got hand in their relationship.  Finally.

One week later, Rockin Rufus is on his tour bus.  KleptoJenny calls him with an update about her mom and Dan.  She got an internship through Parson’s with Waldorf Designs.  Hahaha.  That’s Blair’s mom.  Jenny ain’t so excited any more.

Blair is home packing because ChuckSlime invited her to go abroad in his dad’s plane.  Serena can’t believe that the two of them are going away.  Blair has to sit in the jump seat to Teeterboro and will meet Chuck there.  Serena’s looking forward to staying out of trouble and it’s best that she hasn’t spoken to Dan since the wedding.

ChuckSlime waits around for his dad to come home before skipping town with Blair.  He passes the time by chatting it up with Nate who is very gay right now.  Nate says taking Blair to Europe is a big step.  Nate’s dressed like a sailor.  Chuck asks if Nate will sweat out the summer in Brooklyn.  Nate says no and Chuck wonders what happened between him and Punky Brewster. HAHAHHAHAAAAA.

Over in Brooklyn, Dan asks Punky the same question—what happened between her and Man Bangs.  OMIGOD. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!! Man bangs.  HAHAHHAHAAAAA.  Vanessa admits that Nate is prettier than her but things didn’t work out because Nate is boring and gay.  Dan doesn’t want her to ask about Serena.  He promises Vanessa a summer of Dan Humphrey.  God help us all.

When Nate hangs up with Chuck, he runs into Serena.  She asks him when he’s ever been happy because it’s almost summer and she’s frisky.  She’s going to the Hamptons to reflect alone.  Nate is going to take a break too.  She says that if he wants to reflect alone together, she’ll be around.  Umm, didn’t she say she’d be in the Hamptons.  He asks what she’s doing right now.

Blair arrives at the heliport and asks some guy in a suit if that’s the Bass Helicopter.  The guy in the pink tie asks if ChuckSlime is terrifying.  He likes the jump seat because he feels in control by watching the pilot.  Blair gets that.

ChuckSlime gets a text from Blair that says she can’t wait to see him.  FatherSlime says that he’s proud of Chuck and that having a girlfriend will change Chuck’s life.  Chuck says the great thing about Blair is that she knows he’ll never change.  FatherSlime goes on about how Chuck will learn responsibility, sacrifice, faithfulness, and taking into consideration other people’s feelings.  Chuck mumbles, Feelings??? FatherSlime effectively makes Chuck do the opposite of what his dad is praising him for. 

JudgyLily comes in and introduces the interior designer Amelia to them.  As they all go off, ChuckSlime smashes the vase of roses he’d bought for Blair, grabs a single rose from the garbage, and tells Amelia to hang on.  He wants to discuss plans for his room with her.  She asks who he is.  He answers: I’m Chuck Bass. 

Oh, hell the fuck yeah you are!  Mmm, mmm, mmm.  First off, I’d like to admit that I am completely lecherous.  Secondly, I was going to go on a rant about how anyone could want to be with Chuck after he tried to rape Klepto Jenny AND Slutty Serena.  How. Ev. Er.  I know exactly how.  He’s Chuck Bass. That’s all there is to it.  Even with his stupid houndstooth and plaid and argyle and knitted vests and orange jumpsuit pants and his dumb scarf, he’s Chuck Bass.  Now if Father Slime hadn’t given him that speech and he went away with Blair unaware that he would become a new man, would he still be Chuck Bass upon his return to the UES?  I mean, if he no longer sleeps around and plays mind games, will he have to call himself Charles or Charlie?  No matter—he’s still Chuck Slime Bass. 

Blair gets a text from ChuckSlime saying that he won’t make the flight but will book something commercial. The guy wants to flip Blair for the jump seat.  Blair says ten hours makes the heart grow fonder.

Rufus sits on his bus writing.  Jenny continues to make ugly dresses.  Vanessa and Dan annoy people on the sidewalks of Brooklyn while Nate and Serena are so so pretty on the streets of the Hamptons.  The helicopter takes off and XOXO, it’s summer time.  See you in the Fall back on the Upper East Side.

I’m totally going to be suffering from withdrawal over the summer. That’s when the best gossip takes place!